How would you handle dating someone with Bipolar II?

Hey everyone. So, my husband and I have been married for nine years, and honestly, I’ve always been so proud of us—our bond, our relationship, everything. But lately? I just feel so let down. About two months ago, I finally saw a psychiatrist, got diagnosed with mixed anxiety and depressive disorder, and started taking Zoloft. My husband knows everything because we’ve always been totally open with each other... but now, I get this feeling like he just doesn't care anymore. We've been through such a brutal stretch. First, my depression and anxiety hit me hard, and just when things were starting to look up, my dad almost killed my mom. That just absolutely broke me all over again. And look, he isn't some jerk—we get along, and he's technically "there" for me. But it feels like he's not really *there*. We have two kids, ages 7 and 3. I’m basically running the whole show for them, doing everything I can to hold it together so they don't feel the weight of what's happening to me. All I need is him. Just a hug, someone to ask how I'm actually doing, or if I need anything... just some encouragement. Or even just a laugh. But nope. He just says "it'll be fine" and plays video games (and yeah, he does spend time with the kids, it's not like he's ignoring them entirely). Work is stressing him out so much that I feel like he's just focused on his career and nothing else. I work too, and I make just as much as he does, yet I'm still the one carrying the entire mental load of the house. It’s exhausting. When I try to tell him, or even write it down, he gets a little defensive, but then nothing changes. It's like he's decided to just tune me out. I get it, I really do—it’s not easy being with me right now either. But damn, we said "in sickness and in health, for better or for worse," didn't we? Yesterday, I finally told him I'm done. I'm throwing in the towel. I told him I accept this is how it is and I'm done begging him to actually notice me. He was completely blindsided. Like, "Wait, why??" Well, for crying out loud, I told him why. Because I just can't do this anymore.

The biggest hurdle for anyone who just got hit with a diagnosis is this:

There’s this widespread assumption that everyone around you should automatically be empathetic toward what you’re going through. I bring this up all the time, and people tend to take it the wrong way, so let me clarify my point:

The reality is, unless someone is walking the exact same path as you, they truly can’t grasp the weight of your situation. For instance, if your husband has never dealt with anything more serious than a bad flu, he might struggle to connect with your reality—which is probably why he’d rather just sit there playing video games. In his mind, he thinks a quick round of medication will just fix everything and move on.
As for how that affects your relationship, honestly, it usually comes down to personality and how people react when life gets messy. Do you actually talk things out? Do you listen? Is there genuine empathy in your communication? These three things are huge indicators of compatibility, and you can usually spot them during those early dating stages long before you ever think about getting married.

At the end of the day, the core issue is that you have to accept your diagnosis as a part of your life. You have to learn to live with it regardless of whether the people around you "get it" or not. Once you truly accept it, the diagnosis loses its power over you—unless, of course, we're talking about something terminal or life-altering. That’s when things get really tough, because that's when you see people start to drift away. Most people can barely manage their own lives, let alone carry the weight of someone else's struggles. Hang in there!

Everyone is wired differently, and the way people act or make choices is usually a messy cocktail of genetics and their environment. In a specific, high-stakes situation like yours, I really don't think there's much point in asking random people how they’d react if they were in your husband's shoes. It doesn't really move the needle. It might be more productive to pivot the conversation toward actually understanding the nuances of what you're going through—and maybe looking for some practical advice on the actual options available to you. At the end of the day, these folks on the forum aren't your husband, and whatever some anonymous stranger says they would do doesn't have any real impact on your actual life.

I mean, have either of you two even considered hitting up a therapist, or maybe sitting down with a marriage counselor?

Laura Castillo6 said:The biggest hurdle for anyone who just got hit with a diagnosis is this:

There’s this widespread assumption that everyone around you should automatically be empathetic toward what you’re going through. I bring this up all the time, and people tend to take it the wrong way, so let me clarify my point:

The reality is, unless someone is walking the exact same path as you, they truly can’t grasp the weight of your situation. For instance, if your husband has never dealt with anything more serious than a bad flu, he might struggle to connect with your reality—which is probably why he’d rather just sit there playing video games. In his mind, he thinks a quick round of medication will just fix everything and move on.
As for how that affects your relationship, honestly, it usually comes down to personality and how people react when life gets messy. Do you actually talk things out? Do you listen? Is there genuine empathy in your communication? These three things are huge indicators of compatibility, and you can usually spot them during those early dating stages long before you ever think about getting married.

At the end of the day, the core issue is that you have to accept your diagnosis as a part of your life. You have to learn to live with it regardless of whether the people around you "get it" or not. Once you truly accept it, the diagnosis loses its power over you—unless, of course, we're talking about something terminal or life-altering. That’s when things get really tough, because that's when you see people start to drift away. Most people can barely manage their own lives, let alone carry the weight of someone else's struggles. Hang in there!

👍. +1.

I couldn't agree more.

Nancy Johnson9 said:Hey everyone. So, my husband and I have been married for nine years, and honestly, I’ve always been so proud of us—our bond, our relationship, everything. But lately? I just feel so let down. About two months ago, I finally saw a psychiatrist, got diagnosed with mixed anxiety and depressive disorder, and started taking Zoloft. My husband knows everything because we’ve always been totally open with each other... but now, I get this feeling like he just doesn't care anymore. We've been through such a brutal stretch. First, my depression and anxiety hit me hard, and just when things were starting to look up, my dad almost killed my mom. That just absolutely broke me all over again. And look, he isn't some jerk—we get along, and he's technically "there" for me. But it feels like he's not really *there*. We have two kids, ages 7 and 3. I’m basically running the whole show for them, doing everything I can to hold it together so they don't feel the weight of what's happening to me. All I need is him. Just a hug, someone to ask how I'm actually doing, or if I need anything... just some encouragement. Or even just a laugh. But nope. He just says "it'll be fine" and plays video games (and yeah, he does spend time with the kids, it's not like he's ignoring them entirely). Work is stressing him out so much that I feel like he's just focused on his career and nothing else. I work too, and I make just as much as he does, yet I'm still the one carrying the entire mental load of the house. It’s exhausting. When I try to tell him, or even write it down, he gets a little defensive, but then nothing changes. It's like he's decided to just tune me out. I get it, I really do—it’s not easy being with me right now either. But damn, we said "in sickness and in health, for better or for worse," didn't we? Yesterday, I finally told him I'm done. I'm throwing in the towel. I told him I accept this is how it is and I'm done begging him to actually notice me. He was completely blindsided. Like, "Wait, why??" Well, for crying out loud, I told him why. Because I just can't do this anymore.

Look, you really have to learn how to hug and comfort yourself first. Your husband isn't your therapist, and he's not always gonna be the shoulder you cry on. Most of the time, we carry our own weight because people usually don't get what we need—let alone how to meet every single specific need we lay out for them... Just focus on your health and getting better. Take some time for yourself and do whatever matters to you. When things get dark, learn how to be your own comfort, even if that means crying for an hour straight or treating yourself to dinner at a nice restaurant...

Sounds like some "F41.2 diagnosis" thing (could be anything, really), but honestly, it probably has zero to do with burnout or whatever. It’s more about how things turn into a mindless routine, and then everyone involved just loses the will to even show up. There comes a point where it hits you... digging yourself into a hole because of something you *used* to want wasn't exactly the smartest long-term move. Maybe it's time for a reset, finding a new obsession—even if it's a "necessary evil"—just to feel some spark again. Like, hooking up with someone else seems to be the basic human math for finding meaning... but kids usually end up being the anchor that keeps two unmotivated, lazy partners stuck together. In a setup like that, it doesn't matter who's passive or active; it's just one side sucking the life out of the other. Not that the other person matters much... it's just a mutually agreed-upon parasitic relationship at that point.

There’s no juice left in a relationship when there's no genuine effort, no actual desire, and no sense that anyone is actually gaining anything from it. If gratification feels like a contractual obligation or debt slavery—just checking boxes for something that might have seemed interesting once (read: stable and useful back in the day)—then it's over. You can try to remember why you committed to this madness all you want, but you won't find any truth in it. Just a fantasy. Though, I guess talking about marriage, kids, and divorces isn't really what these psychology PDFs are for.

So, "How would you treat a partner with F41.2?" Depends on the person, I guess. Depends on what they "need" you to do, and depends on which specific diagnosis we're talking about. What's the partner even like? What's eating them? Do we even know the diagnosis? Or is the person so busy demanding attention and clinging to their own needs that they don't even notice the other person morphing into something else entirely? It’s like they expect you to just... blindly and willingly provide the exact same thing, perfectly and constantly, just because they say so. Those expectations are basically a blueprint for building something specific. But when those expectations fail to meet reality under pressure, the whole thing collapses like a house of cards. Honestly, it'd be better to be smarter than your past self, clear the rubble, and start building something new on those same expectations... if you're feeling brave.

Thanks everyone for all the replies and input. I posted this here instead of on Reddit because the whole situation is kind of specific... given how things are going. I gotta admit, some of your responses caught me off guard, but honestly, that’s why I started this thread—to see what you guys actually think and what you've dealt with. I constantly have this feeling that maybe I’m being too much or just asking for way too much... and I’m really sitting here thinking about it. I guess everyone starts with themselves, right? You do what you wish others would do for you. He probably thinks he’s doing the right thing by just leaving me alone, thinking she doesn't need anything from him. But meanwhile, I’m just sitting here hurting and craving a hug. We’ve always been close, always laughing together, but now it feels like I’m just a burden to him, like he’s actively avoiding me. At least, that’s how it looks from where I’m standing. Life is exhausting, I get it—life, burnout, little kids, jobs, mortgage payments... it wears you down. But we used to talk about all that, how it's just a phase and how things will pass once we catch our breath, get some sleep, and the kids become more independent. Like
wisely said, it’s all about acceptance.

Thanks everyone for the replies and sharing what you think. I didn't post this on Facebook because the whole situation is kind of specific... given the circumstances. I gotta admit, I’m a little surprised by some of the responses, but honestly, that’s why I started this thread—to see what other people think and what they’ve been through. I constantly have this feeling that maybe I’m overreacting or asking for too much... and I’m really sitting here thinking about it. I guess everyone starts with themselves. You do what you’d want someone else to do for you. He probably thinks he doesn't need to do anything, just leave her alone. But meanwhile, I’m sitting here hurting and just craving a hug. We’ve always been close, always making each other laugh, but now it feels like I’m just a burden to him or like he’s trying to avoid me. At least, that’s how it looks from where I’m standing. Life is exhausting, I know—the grind, the kids, the jobs, the mortgage payments... it wears you down. But we used to talk about all of this, how it’s just a phase and how things will get better. Like, once we catch our breath, get some sleep, once the kids are more independent... then we'll be okay. Someone wise said it earlier—it’s all about acceptance.

If you’ve always been close and shared so many laughs, his sudden withdrawal feels incredibly jarring, especially now when you need him most.
Besides, if you’ve explicitly told him what you need—whether it's physical affection or just closeness—and he still pulls away, there’s no point in using that tired excuse of "he's just doing what he thinks he'd want in your shoes."

The way your husband is acting is completely wrong; I know from my own life how vital a partner's support is immediately following a medical diagnosis.

I can't quite remember his exact diagnosis, but it was something very similar. He was on some kind of medication. I tried everything—constantly checking in to see what he needed, talking whenever he felt like it, giving him a hug when things got heavy, or just backing off when he needed space. I tried being more careful about how I brought up problems and worked on being way more patient... all while trying to cheer him up and nudge him to stay active because I didn't want him feeling useless. And yeah, I was juggling all of that with my own life, too. Then yesterday, he looks at me and says he never actually had what he needed to be happy and at peace.

Nancy Johnson9 said:Hey everyone. So, my husband and I have been married for nine years, and honestly, I’ve always been so proud of us—our bond, our relationship, everything. But lately? I just feel so let down. About two months ago, I finally saw a psychiatrist, got diagnosed with mixed anxiety and depressive disorder, and started taking Zoloft. My husband knows everything because we’ve always been totally open with each other... but now, I get this feeling like he just doesn't care anymore. We've been through such a brutal stretch. First, my depression and anxiety hit me hard, and just when things were starting to look up, my dad almost killed my mom. That just absolutely broke me all over again. And look, he isn't some jerk—we get along, and he's technically "there" for me. But it feels like he's not really *there*. We have two kids, ages 7 and 3. I’m basically running the whole show for them, doing everything I can to hold it together so they don't feel the weight of what's happening to me. All I need is him. Just a hug, someone to ask how I'm actually doing, or if I need anything... just some encouragement. Or even just a laugh. But nope. He just says "it'll be fine" and plays video games (and yeah, he does spend time with the kids, it's not like he's ignoring them entirely). Work is stressing him out so much that I feel like he's just focused on his career and nothing else. I work too, and I make just as much as he does, yet I'm still the one carrying the entire mental load of the house. It’s exhausting. When I try to tell him, or even write it down, he gets a little defensive, but then nothing changes. It's like he's decided to just tune me out. I get it, I really do—it’s not easy being with me right now either. But damn, we said "in sickness and in health, for better or for worse," didn't we? Yesterday, I finally told him I'm done. I'm throwing in the towel. I told him I accept this is how it is and I'm done begging him to actually notice me. He was completely blindsided. Like, "Wait, why??" Well, for crying out loud, I told him why. Because I just can't do this anymore.

😲
What would you even say if you had gained like 20, 30, or 40 pounds?
And you certainly know how to pick 'em. 🙄

Nancy Johnson9 said:Hey everyone. So, my husband and I have been married for nine years, and honestly, I’ve always been so proud of us—our bond, our relationship, everything. But lately? I just feel so let down. About two months ago, I finally saw a psychiatrist, got diagnosed with mixed anxiety and depressive disorder, and started taking Zoloft. My husband knows everything because we’ve always been totally open with each other... but now, I get this feeling like he just doesn't care anymore. We've been through such a brutal stretch. First, my depression and anxiety hit me hard, and just when things were starting to look up, my dad almost killed my mom. That just absolutely broke me all over again. And look, he isn't some jerk—we get along, and he's technically "there" for me. But it feels like he's not really *there*. We have two kids, ages 7 and 3. I’m basically running the whole show for them, doing everything I can to hold it together so they don't feel the weight of what's happening to me. All I need is him. Just a hug, someone to ask how I'm actually doing, or if I need anything... just some encouragement. Or even just a laugh. But nope. He just says "it'll be fine" and plays video games (and yeah, he does spend time with the kids, it's not like he's ignoring them entirely). Work is stressing him out so much that I feel like he's just focused on his career and nothing else. I work too, and I make just as much as he does, yet I'm still the one carrying the entire mental load of the house. It’s exhausting. When I try to tell him, or even write it down, he gets a little defensive, but then nothing changes. It's like he's decided to just tune me out. I get it, I really do—it’s not easy being with me right now either. But damn, we said "in sickness and in health, for better or for worse," didn't we? Yesterday, I finally told him I'm done. I'm throwing in the towel. I told him I accept this is how it is and I'm done begging him to actually notice me. He was completely blindsided. Like, "Wait, why??" Well, for crying out loud, I told him why. Because I just can't do this anymore.

What caught my eye was seeing you write out this exact checklist of demands—what he needs to say and how he needs to act. You've put yourself front and center, which makes sense since you're struggling. But you seem to have forgotten he isn't sick. He can't read your mind or meet every single need exactly the way you've scripted it in your head. From what I can tell, he isn't treating you poorly. It feels like you might be suffocating him with these requirements and these blowups because he isn't catering to you constantly. Even here, you criticized him for playing games, only to defend him a second later. In reality, you're letting him slip away from you because he dares to take a moment to unwind instead of focusing entirely on your crisis. Look, I don't have a diagnosis, so I'm looking at this from the perspective of your husband. He’s shown he cares, yet you keep pushing him to the edge just to force a confirmation that he does. Why? Because he missed a beat or didn't say the exact thing you programmed him to say? If you can, stop doing this. You're going to drive him away. It's not easy carrying the weight of two lives on his shoulders while managing his own life, which isn't easy either, all while helping with the kids. Try showing a little empathy for someone else's reality instead of only looking inward at your illness.

He doesn't need to check in on your every move if he's present and stepping up with the kids. Don't you see that's his way of showing love and support? You seem to need verbal validation constantly—needing to hear he loves you, that you're okay, that your illness isn't a burden. I'm sure it isn't a burden to him, as long as you don't turn it into one. Remember, this illness affects both of you. To actually make this work, maybe talk to your doctor about how to build a peaceful home despite the struggle. This condition might be part of you forever, but that doesn't mean you can't have a good life with your husband and kids without the constant insecurity and drama. Take your meds, follow the doctor's lead. You have everything you need for a happy life. You're dealing with a health issue, but you aren't the center of the universe, and you aren't alone just because he isn't giving you 100% of his attention every single second. If you can grasp that, things will get easier.

Jessica Miller51 said:What caught my eye was seeing you write out this exact checklist of demands—what he needs to say and how he needs to act. You've put yourself front and center, which makes sense since you're struggling. But you seem to have forgotten he isn't sick. He can't read your mind or meet every single need exactly the way you've scripted it in your head. From what I can tell, he isn't treating you poorly. It feels like you might be suffocating him with these requirements and these blowups because he isn't catering to you constantly. Even here, you criticized him for playing games, only to defend him a second later. In reality, you're letting him slip away from you because he dares to take a moment to unwind instead of focusing entirely on your crisis. Look, I don't have a diagnosis, so I'm looking at this from the perspective of your husband. He’s shown he cares, yet you keep pushing him to the edge just to force a confirmation that he does. Why? Because he missed a beat or didn't say the exact thing you programmed him to say? If you can, stop doing this. You're going to drive him away. It's not easy carrying the weight of two lives on his shoulders while managing his own life, which isn't easy either, all while helping with the kids. Try showing a little empathy for someone else's reality instead of only looking inward at your illness.

He doesn't need to check in on your every move if he's present and stepping up with the kids. Don't you see that's his way of showing love and support? You seem to need verbal validation constantly—needing to hear he loves you, that you're okay, that your illness isn't a burden. I'm sure it isn't a burden to him, as long as you don't turn it into one. Remember, this illness affects both of you. To actually make this work, maybe talk to your doctor about how to build a peaceful home despite the struggle. This condition might be part of you forever, but that doesn't mean you can't have a good life with your husband and kids without the constant insecurity and drama. Take your meds, follow the doctor's lead. You have everything you need for a happy life. You're dealing with a health issue, but you aren't the center of the universe, and you aren't alone just because he isn't giving you 100% of his attention every single second. If you can grasp that, things will get easier.

Thanks for this calm post, even if it feels a bit unnecessary to me. Sometimes you just have to step back to see things clearly. It's true that I've been leaning on him too hard and ignoring the fact that he isn't feeling the same way I am. It crossed my mind the other day—maybe I should change myself, you know, work on breaking these negative patterns, the judging, and the constant worrying. Focus on what I actually have (and I really do have a lot) and just do my best. Then maybe things will fall into place. I feel terrible when I weigh him down with my demands, and life has taught me that things settle down when you just take a breath and try a different path, because banging your head against a wall doesn't fix anything. For now, I'll just settle for knowing our love has been solid since day one. We both mess up sometimes, him and me. But I guess that's just how it is. It's the path we decided to walk together. Right now, I'm busy getting the nursery ready since we have a little one on the way, and I caught him giving me that look... that happy look. Honestly, I feel happy too. And I thought, if he's happy, and I'm happy (and I'd say I am), then everything's gonna be okay. Thanks again, everyone!

Matthew Torres2 said:I can't quite remember his exact diagnosis, but it was something very similar. He was on some kind of medication. I tried everything—constantly checking in to see what he needed, talking whenever he felt like it, giving him a hug when things got heavy, or just backing off when he needed space. I tried being more careful about how I brought up problems and worked on being way more patient... all while trying to cheer him up and nudge him to stay active because I didn't want him feeling useless. And yeah, I was juggling all of that with my own life, too. Then yesterday, he looks at me and says he never actually had what he needed to be happy and at peace.

Well, at least you can sleep easy knowing you did your part, and hopefully he'll eventually figure his own stuff out.👍

Nancy Johnson9 said:Thanks everyone for the replies and sharing what you think. I didn't post this on Facebook because the whole situation is kind of specific... given the circumstances. I gotta admit, I’m a little surprised by some of the responses, but honestly, that’s why I started this thread—to see what other people think and what they’ve been through. I constantly have this feeling that maybe I’m overreacting or asking for too much... and I’m really sitting here thinking about it. I guess everyone starts with themselves. You do what you’d want someone else to do for you. He probably thinks he doesn't need to do anything, just leave her alone. But meanwhile, I’m sitting here hurting and just craving a hug. We’ve always been close, always making each other laugh, but now it feels like I’m just a burden to him or like he’s trying to avoid me. At least, that’s how it looks from where I’m standing. Life is exhausting, I know—the grind, the kids, the jobs, the mortgage payments... it wears you down. But we used to talk about all of this, how it’s just a phase and how things will get better. Like, once we catch our breath, get some sleep, once the kids are more independent... then we'll be okay. Someone wise said it earlier—it’s all about acceptance.

Exactly. Everything passes, and honestly, that's the best mindset to maintain.
And let's be real, the lesson of acceptance—accepting life as it unfolds, exactly as it is—is one of the most vital tools you can possess.
Once you master that, life becomes incomparably smoother and less chaotic.
On a side note, it isn't wise to treat people like crutches. Not even for a moment, unless it is an absolute emergency.
It is neither productive nor smart to play the role of a permanent crutch for someone else. (looking at you, Sonja Keef)

We have to learn how to tackle our own struggles head-on. If we don't, we risk a pattern where we offer support without actually solving the underlying issue for them.
To put it bluntly: if we find ourselves in trouble, we shouldn't turn ourselves into martyrs.
Similarly, if someone we love is struggling, we shouldn't throw ourselves into a position of excessive self-sacrifice for their sake.