Idealizing someone

graniteseal50 said:Do you ever find yourself idealizing strangers you pass on the street, at work, or even just grabbing coffee? I mean, specifically those people you think you could actually fall for if things were different. Maybe it's just me, I guess.

I guess I do this all the time. I see someone attractive and immediately start building this whole perfect version of them in my head—their looks, their personality, everything. It’s totally irrational since I haven't even talked to them yet. Then, by some weird twist of fate, we actually meet. But the more we talk, the faster that fantasy falls apart. Once the real person shows up, the spark just dies. I end up losing interest so fast I can't even care about the physical stuff that caught my eye in the first place.

I didn't want to dump this on Facebook, so I figured I'd post it here instead... just curious to see what psychology says about it? :P

Well, certainly not to the extreme degree you're describing, but yes—I’ve definitely had moments where I got completely swept up and ignored all those red flags that I KNEW would become massive issues later in a relationship. It's a tricky thing. I used to worry that this would happen with my husband, but as it turns out, it hasn't—his flaws clearly aren't dealbreakers for me.

But there were times when I was just... well, stupid... I don't have a better word for it.
I once fell for a guy who had certain things in his house that triggered a major phobia of mine. Let's just say he had a spiral staircase with no railing 😁 Basically, something I have spent my entire life panicking about and avoiding at all costs.
He was so captivating that I actually managed to rationalize it to myself—convincing myself it wasn't such a big deal and that I could handle being in his apartment. But deep down, I knew I couldn't. I knew that after three or four times—once we actually got intimate and he started showing his more human, vulnerable side—that staircase 😁 would become a massive obstacle, and I wouldn't want to visit him anymore.

Luckily, I snapped out of it pretty quickly and cut all ties before he even realized I was harboring any sort of "feelings."

graniteseal50 said:Do you ever find yourself idealizing strangers you pass on the street, at work, or even just grabbing coffee? I mean, specifically those people you think you could actually fall for if things were different. Maybe it's just me, I guess.

I guess I do this all the time. I see someone attractive and immediately start building this whole perfect version of them in my head—their looks, their personality, everything. It’s totally irrational since I haven't even talked to them yet. Then, by some weird twist of fate, we actually meet. But the more we talk, the faster that fantasy falls apart. Once the real person shows up, the spark just dies. I end up losing interest so fast I can't even care about the physical stuff that caught my eye in the first place.

I didn't want to dump this on Facebook, so I figured I'd post it here instead... just curious to see what psychology says about it? :P

In my experience, this happens all the time. And honestly, the fact that it's irrational doesn't matter much—logic isn't exactly the driving force behind human nature, is it? It's pure emotion. Creating this exaggerated version of a stranger fills us with a sense of hope and optimism, making us feel like we've finally found "the one."

Austin Murphy5 said:Well, certainly not to the extreme degree you're describing, but yes—I’ve definitely had moments where I got completely swept up and ignored all those red flags that I KNEW would become massive issues later in a relationship. It's a tricky thing. I used to worry that this would happen with my husband, but as it turns out, it hasn't—his flaws clearly aren't dealbreakers for me.

But there were times when I was just... well, stupid... I don't have a better word for it.
I once fell for a guy who had certain things in his house that triggered a major phobia of mine. Let's just say he had a spiral staircase with no railing 😁 Basically, something I have spent my entire life panicking about and avoiding at all costs.
He was so captivating that I actually managed to rationalize it to myself—convincing myself it wasn't such a big deal and that I could handle being in his apartment. But deep down, I knew I couldn't. I knew that after three or four times—once we actually got intimate and he started showing his more human, vulnerable side—that staircase 😁 would become a massive obstacle, and I wouldn't want to visit him anymore.

Luckily, I snapped out of it pretty quickly and cut all ties before he even realized I was harboring any sort of "feelings."

I am reading this and I honestly cannot believe my eyes.😲
He was hot, sure, but you dumped him because he might eventually show some personality AND because of a staircase without a handrail??

Brian Gray5 said:I am reading this and I honestly cannot believe my eyes.😲
He was hot, sure, but you dumped him because he might eventually show some personality AND because of a staircase without a handrail??

🤣🤣🤣

The staircase was a metaphor—😁 😁
It wasn't actually about a physical staircase—I won't go into the exact details here 😁 Basically, he had certain tendencies that triggered a genuine phobia of mine, and for me, that’s an absolute dealbreaker. I used the staircase analogy because my fear is similar to acrophobia—you know, that deep-seated dread of heights—which isn't something you just "get over" overnight.

And just to clarify, I didn't exactly "break up" with him—I never really committed to anything in the first place. He was intense physically, sure, but I don't feel like I missed out on much.
I still run into him occasionally—what's done is done, and frankly, I don't feel any lingering emotions or even a flicker of tension when he's around.

I honestly don't see why you're being so hard on yourself... Is it really such a crime to decide not to date someone who—let's say—is a smoker, when you already know deep down that it’s going to be a massive dealbreaker for you in the long run? It’s just that at the very beginning, because the physical attraction is so intense, you convince yourself that you can somehow just overlook it.
From my perspective, this isn't about ignoring "love" or any other sentimental nonsense—it's actually just plain old rational thinking and self-control. Would it really be any better if I jumped into a relationship with someone just because I was caught up in the moment, only to end up resentful later and constantly nagging them to change for my sake? Especially since the thing I want them to change is something I knew from day one.
To me, that approach is just plain foolish—deciding "okay, this isn't the right match for me" right from the start is much more sensible.

Finding a "deal breaker" or something built to last is basically impossible for the picky crowd. In this life, it feels like we’re all just unique snowflakes looking for some kind of symbiotic match—someone who looks exactly like what we see in the mirror. But usually, when you're high or just being an asshole while trying to calculate if someone is actually compatible, you end up chasing someone who is the complete opposite of yourself. It’s tough...

ironrider11 said:Finding a "deal breaker" or something built to last is basically impossible for the picky crowd. In this life, it feels like we’re all just unique snowflakes looking for some kind of symbiotic match—someone who looks exactly like what we see in the mirror. But usually, when you're high or just being an asshole while trying to calculate if someone is actually compatible, you end up chasing someone who is the complete opposite of yourself. It’s tough...

I imagine things must come much more easily to you, being the offspring of Mr. Proust and Ms. Woolf—almost like a feather drifting on a breeze.

Austin Murphy5 said:I imagine things must come much more easily to you, being the offspring of Mr. Proust and Ms. Woolf—almost like a feather drifting on a breeze.

Ugh, what a dream... pure bliss. Just 100% pure love for absolutely everything and everyone, floating on that lovely, irresistible scent of gum disease and spit mixed with chlamydia, mycoplasma, trichomonas, BV, gonorrhea, HPV, and syphilis... just the sweet smell of pus and bloody discharge after some non-stop, animalistic, all-day, all-night sex between two people where you can't even tell who is who... life and death. Any kind of idealization about anyone or anything is just impossible. Such an unbearable ease of existence...

Austin Murphy5 said:🤣🤣🤣

The staircase was a metaphor—😁 😁
It wasn't actually about a physical staircase—I won't go into the exact details here 😁 Basically, he had certain tendencies that triggered a genuine phobia of mine, and for me, that’s an absolute dealbreaker. I used the staircase analogy because my fear is similar to acrophobia—you know, that deep-seated dread of heights—which isn't something you just "get over" overnight.

And just to clarify, I didn't exactly "break up" with him—I never really committed to anything in the first place. He was intense physically, sure, but I don't feel like I missed out on much.
I still run into him occasionally—what's done is done, and frankly, I don't feel any lingering emotions or even a flicker of tension when he's around.

Yeah, I see.
I’ve always been a fan of that old saying: "If you want to know what’s hiding in the canopy, you’ve gotta shake the trunk first." 😉
Some things just need a light tap to move. Others? You’re gonna need an excavator for those. 😬

Austin Murphy5 said:🤣🤣🤣

The staircase was a metaphor—😁 😁
It wasn't actually about a physical staircase—I won't go into the exact details here 😁 Basically, he had certain tendencies that triggered a genuine phobia of mine, and for me, that’s an absolute dealbreaker. I used the staircase analogy because my fear is similar to acrophobia—you know, that deep-seated dread of heights—which isn't something you just "get over" overnight.

And just to clarify, I didn't exactly "break up" with him—I never really committed to anything in the first place. He was intense physically, sure, but I don't feel like I missed out on much.
I still run into him occasionally—what's done is done, and frankly, I don't feel any lingering emotions or even a flicker of tension when he's around.

Austin Murphy5 said:I honestly don't see why you're being so hard on yourself... Is it really such a crime to decide not to date someone who—let's say—is a smoker, when you already know deep down that it’s going to be a massive dealbreaker for you in the long run? It’s just that at the very beginning, because the physical attraction is so intense, you convince yourself that you can somehow just overlook it.
From my perspective, this isn't about ignoring "love" or any other sentimental nonsense—it's actually just plain old rational thinking and self-control. Would it really be any better if I jumped into a relationship with someone just because I was caught up in the moment, only to end up resentful later and constantly nagging them to change for my sake? Especially since the thing I want them to change is something I knew from day one.
To me, that approach is just plain foolish—deciding "okay, this isn't the right match for me" right from the start is much more sensible.

Honestly, I’d say you handled that with an incredibly rare level of rationality. Most people just lose their minds, obsessing over their crushes or some idealized version of someone they're lusting after—usually followed by a massive crying session once reality hits. You actually kept your head on straight.

Ever heard of hybristophilia? Standard psychology just labels it as a paraphilia without really digging into why the brain works that way. But if you look at evolutionary psychology, there’s a different angle: it suggests a specific female drive toward men with antisocial traits. The idea is that women might subconsciously identify these "outlaw" types as alpha males—carriers of those rugged, dominant genes that are supposedly great for offspring, even if they're social disasters.
There are actually studies showing how female prison staff—guards, cooks, cleaners, even psychologists—often form intense emotional bonds with the most notorious inmates. They end up helping them with illegal schemes or even getting caught up in their business. Honestly, the history books are full of cases where serial killers get hit on by obsessed fans, sometimes even marrying them behind bars, only for it to turn out the women fit the victim profile perfectly. It reminds me of that old recording of little Lorena talking about her crush on Daruvarac, before that whole sink explosion mess happened...
At its core, it’s all just extreme idealization.

On a different note, though, I think it’s a bit egocentric to walk away from a relationship just because of trivial stuff like someone smoking or blasting heavy metal. If two people are truly hooked, those things are easy enough to negotiate. I really hope you bailed on your candidate because of something much more serious—like, say, the guy suffocates cats in his apartment, or he has a framed poster of Oprah Winfrey on his wall... 😍

ironrider11 said:Ugh, what a dream... pure bliss. Just 100% pure love for absolutely everything and everyone, floating on that lovely, irresistible scent of gum disease and spit mixed with chlamydia, mycoplasma, trichomonas, BV, gonorrhea, HPV, and syphilis... just the sweet smell of pus and bloody discharge after some non-stop, animalistic, all-day, all-night sex between two people where you can't even tell who is who... life and death. Any kind of idealization about anyone or anything is just impossible. Such an unbearable ease of existence...

“They don't know the terrors that go through your mind as you lie there in the pit waiting for a hint of light to tell you that the night is over.”

Someone is down in the Mariana Trench, or maybe just stuck in some deep, bottomless pothole in the middle of nowhere.

graniteseal50 said:Do you ever find yourself idealizing strangers you pass on the street, at work, or even just grabbing coffee? I mean, specifically those people you think you could actually fall for if things were different. Maybe it's just me, I guess.

I guess I do this all the time. I see someone attractive and immediately start building this whole perfect version of them in my head—their looks, their personality, everything. It’s totally irrational since I haven't even talked to them yet. Then, by some weird twist of fate, we actually meet. But the more we talk, the faster that fantasy falls apart. Once the real person shows up, the spark just dies. I end up losing interest so fast I can't even care about the physical stuff that caught my eye in the first place.

I didn't want to dump this on Facebook, so I figured I'd post it here instead... just curious to see what psychology says about it? :P

Not anymore. 🙂

I can't even idealize someone online anymore, let alone in person. 🙂

It feels like I'll never fall in love again. 🙂

I truly envy those who never lose that ability. 😠 😁

mistybison said:Not anymore. 🙂

I can't even idealize someone online anymore, let alone in person. 🙂

It feels like I'll never fall in love again. 🙂

I truly envy those who never lose that ability. 😠 😁

Oh, bravo. You aren't being immature.

Now just go find yourself an online hookup, like any other perfectly functional, grown woman would. 😁

ironrider11 said:Finding a "deal breaker" or something built to last is basically impossible for the picky crowd. In this life, it feels like we’re all just unique snowflakes looking for some kind of symbiotic match—someone who looks exactly like what we see in the mirror. But usually, when you're high or just being an asshole while trying to calculate if someone is actually compatible, you end up chasing someone who is the complete opposite of yourself. It’s tough...

Solid analytical and literary skills here. I dig it.

Brian Gray5 said:“They don't know the terrors that go through your mind as you lie there in the pit waiting for a hint of light to tell you that the night is over.”

Someone is down in the Mariana Trench, or maybe just stuck in some deep, bottomless pothole in the middle of nowhere.

Facts. But it all comes down to how people record things, process them, or just manipulate the narrative they've swallowed. Some guy might decide to just fry his own brain because he’s pushing his limits of what he can stomach regarding "social norms"... seems too easy. Meanwhile, you've got someone else—someone most people would look at and think, "Yeah, they're clearly struggling"—who can't even wrap their head around the idea of people who are actually "fine." These "fine" people are treated with such careful gloves, wrapped in sympathy and empathy... It's easy when it's just a first impression. But if it keeps happening, over and over, regardless of how much everyone insists there's no need for those labels, where "normal" people just keep adding layers of pretense to their own humanity... it gets exhausting. When you're trying to navigate reality, that kind of person just goes numb, hardens up, loses touch... and then, in a critical moment, instead of helping based on actual experience, a "perfectly fine" person who's just good at playing the victim tells them: "Just kill yourself, go ahead, blow your brains out." And this person, trapped in the depths of the Marianas Trench, even if it felt like a shallow pit to begin with... they listen.

Idealizing stuff, like any other surreal art form—trying to mold an external person inside yourself based on your own twisted perception and then treating that mental image as some absolute truth, or even something essential to your existence while totally ignoring the actual human being who might not look anything like your creation... that's nothing more than art. It's imaginative inspiration or inspirational imagination. Creating something from scratch that doesn't exist. It's possible, or likely, that it's completely detached from actual practice or expressing one's own reality. A masterpiece of a replica. A remake. Better than the original. Getting pissed off at your own imagination, or the attempt to actually live it out, is _____________. Purely imaginative. My 0.1¢—enjoying the frustration. Any kind of enjoyment is just enjoyment. I don't care what anyone thinks about someone's irrational choice or "burden," treating it like a problem when it really doesn't exist outside of being a piece of dramatic art.