Parental and societal expectations...

Hey everyone, this is my first time actually starting a thread and posting here. I’ve been lurking and following the psych forums for a long time now.

To get to the point, I'm 24, working, and making a pretty decent living. I'm happy enough with my income and can support myself just fine. However, I've never had a girlfriend, let alone any sexual experience—I haven't even kissed anyone yet🙄. I'm not here to vent or complain, though; I've kind of made peace with it and moved on to focusing on other parts of my life.

But here's where things get complicated. I grew up in a pretty conservative household. My parents are deeply religious and have pushed me toward church since I was a kid, trying to make sure I stay a devout believer. Without getting too deep into it, they're really looking forward to having grandkids, and they expect everything that comes with that: a godly wife, a traditional marriage, raising kids with Christian values... that whole thing.

For a year now, I've been lying to them, telling them I have a girlfriend just to avoid the awkwardness, even though the reality is the exact opposite of what I told them. I'm honestly at a loss. As time goes by, the pressure and the questions from them just keep mounting. If I were to tell them the truth about how I feel right now... I think they might actually find it easier to deal with me being an addict than just a regular guy without🤦
.
Does anyone have any advice?

Are you actually living your own life, or just playing out a script written by your parents and everyone else around you?

Do you truly want what *you* want, or are you just chasing what society tells you to go after?

Look, it’s not that easy to just throw those kinds of rhetorical questions at them—seriously. In small towns, that kind of thing is a total disaster; I know exactly what he's going through. My advice? Just feed them exactly what they want to hear. Tell them you’re planning on marriage and all that fluff—just sell them the dream. I mean, if the Church can sell people pure smoke and mirrors, why can't you? Save your cash. Tell them you’ve made a vow to God about waiting until you marry, so they’ll keep funding you while you scrape together enough money, and then—boom—get out of there. That’s honestly the only way to survive. People once told me I needed a wife and a kid living in my 250-square-foot studio apartment, so I just called them a bunch of hicks to their faces. In a small town, you can't actually live your own life because the herd mentality is always stronger than the individual. It’s that authoritarian mindset—if you let them raise your grandkids too, then who’s even the parent anymore? You end up with old souls stuck in young bodies in these rural backwaters. Not having a girlfriend isn't even weird when you consider how some biblical teachings basically claim sex is a sin. I personally struggled with being caught between extreme conservatism and Marxism from my toxic parents, and the only way I found happiness was by purging those ideas from my brain through reading Nietzsche—you know, *Thus Spoke Zarathustra*, *The Antichrist*—and then moving on to Napoleon Hill and getting rich. Plus, educating yourself on every possible sexual preference is key, since authors argue people haven't been wealthy or happy simply because wealth is relative to a lack of sexual knowledge. You belong to that liberal generation—I’m right there with you—and there’s nothing wrong with following modern trends, like choosing not to have kids or exploring everything you can sexually so you're actually experienced when you finally settle down. These small-town types think anyone over 30 is ancient and that 25-year-old women are "old"—I live among them, and it’s crazy. The kind of relationship style I advocate for seems "weird" to them; they look at him and say he wants no commitment, or they call BDSM "strange," and it’s just a straight-up witch hunt.

Carl Rivera43 said:Are you actually living your own life, or just playing out a script written by your parents and everyone else around you?

Do you truly want what *you* want, or are you just chasing what society tells you to go after?

Hold up on the conclusions—it’s way too early to be asking those kinds of questions... the OP needs to clarify if they're still living under their parents' roof or if they've moved out/are independent... there's a massive difference there... if they're still living at home, they probably don't have the leverage to push back because they're scared of losing their freedom...

Dealing with narrow-minded people is rough... I guess when people don't have enough going on in their own lives, they spend all their time obsessing over yours... and since the church keeps popping up, we're talking fairy tales and delusions here—it's pretty obvious... whether they're listening to Bozanic or Ana Bučević, they're stuck in total ignorance... those types need a radical shift in priorities, but it's hard for one 24-year-old to change an entire culture... honestly, the best move is just to tune them out... once they realize they're just barking at the moon, they'll eventually give up... sooner or later... dogs bark, but the caravan moves on...

Honestly, those divisions are just bizarre. They shouldn't be used as some kind of yardstick for life choices, right?

feralscout10 said:Hey everyone, this is my first time actually starting a thread and posting here. I’ve been lurking and following the psych forums for a long time now.

To get to the point, I'm 24, working, and making a pretty decent living. I'm happy enough with my income and can support myself just fine. However, I've never had a girlfriend, let alone any sexual experience—I haven't even kissed anyone yet🙄. I'm not here to vent or complain, though; I've kind of made peace with it and moved on to focusing on other parts of my life.

But here's where things get complicated. I grew up in a pretty conservative household. My parents are deeply religious and have pushed me toward church since I was a kid, trying to make sure I stay a devout believer. Without getting too deep into it, they're really looking forward to having grandkids, and they expect everything that comes with that: a godly wife, a traditional marriage, raising kids with Christian values... that whole thing.

For a year now, I've been lying to them, telling them I have a girlfriend just to avoid the awkwardness, even though the reality is the exact opposite of what I told them. I'm honestly at a loss. As time goes by, the pressure and the questions from them just keep mounting. If I were to tell them the truth about how I feel right now... I think they might actually find it easier to deal with me being an addict than just a regular guy without🤦
.
Does anyone have any advice?

Your parents don't get it—and frankly, they probably never will—that their massive expectations are exactly what's making your life harder and killing any chance of you finding a partner.

You're likely holding yourself back from dating because you know that for them to approve, a girl would have to be a "10" based on their specific checklist: she has to be religious, ready for marriage and kids immediately, no living together before the wedding, etc.

The solution isn't easy or popular, but you basically have to rebel against their expectations regarding your private life. That might mean they won't approve of your choices—they might even try to sabotage things. It won't be smooth sailing. You know this deep down, which is probably why you stay out of the dating scene entirely. You lie to buy yourself a few months of peace, but they don't realize they're actually causing long-term psychological damage.

My advice? Take small steps. Start separating your life from theirs. First off, think about moving out—physical distance changes everything.
And next time they pry, just tell them it's your business. Also, try going out with someone you actually like, even if she's an atheist 😁. Your parents don't need to know. Your relationship should be yours and yours alone.

Andrew Kelly10 said:Hold up on the conclusions—it’s way too early to be asking those kinds of questions... the OP needs to clarify if they're still living under their parents' roof or if they've moved out/are independent... there's a massive difference there... if they're still living at home, they probably don't have the leverage to push back because they're scared of losing their freedom...

Dealing with narrow-minded people is rough... I guess when people don't have enough going on in their own lives, they spend all their time obsessing over yours... and since the church keeps popping up, we're talking fairy tales and delusions here—it's pretty obvious... whether they're listening to Bozanic or Ana Bučević, they're stuck in total ignorance... those types need a radical shift in priorities, but it's hard for one 24-year-old to change an entire culture... honestly, the best move is just to tune them out... once they realize they're just barking at the moon, they'll eventually give up... sooner or later... dogs bark, but the caravan moves on...

Look, they have every right to live how they want, and nobody is obligated to change them—especially not their own kid.

The real challenge is finding a way for the author to actually live their life while somehow managing to coexist with their parents' worldview.

This isn't some rare occurrence either. 😁 You see stories like this on every street corner in America.

quietpilot87 said:Your parents don't get it—and frankly, they probably never will—that their massive expectations are exactly what's making your life harder and killing any chance of you finding a partner.

You're likely holding yourself back from dating because you know that for them to approve, a girl would have to be a "10" based on their specific checklist: she has to be religious, ready for marriage and kids immediately, no living together before the wedding, etc.

The solution isn't easy or popular, but you basically have to rebel against their expectations regarding your private life. That might mean they won't approve of your choices—they might even try to sabotage things. It won't be smooth sailing. You know this deep down, which is probably why you stay out of the dating scene entirely. You lie to buy yourself a few months of peace, but they don't realize they're actually causing long-term psychological damage.

My advice? Take small steps. Start separating your life from theirs. First off, think about moving out—physical distance changes everything.
And next time they pry, just tell them it's your business. Also, try going out with someone you actually like, even if she's an atheist 😁. Your parents don't need to know. Your relationship should be yours and yours alone.

Look, they have every right to live how they want, and nobody is obligated to change them—especially not their own kid.

The real challenge is finding a way for the author to actually live their life while somehow managing to coexist with their parents' worldview.

This isn't some rare occurrence either. 😁 You see stories like this on every street corner in America.

Sure, people can live how they want as long as they aren't stepping on anyone else's toes... but that's not what's happening here. They're leaning on him, putting pressure on him... so yeah, someone needs to step in. You gotta use a little force to keep things peaceful somewhere...

quietpilot87 said:Your parents don't get it—and frankly, they probably never will—that their massive expectations are exactly what's making your life harder and killing any chance of you finding a partner.

You're likely holding yourself back from dating because you know that for them to approve, a girl would have to be a "10" based on their specific checklist: she has to be religious, ready for marriage and kids immediately, no living together before the wedding, etc.

The solution isn't easy or popular, but you basically have to rebel against their expectations regarding your private life. That might mean they won't approve of your choices—they might even try to sabotage things. It won't be smooth sailing. You know this deep down, which is probably why you stay out of the dating scene entirely. You lie to buy yourself a few months of peace, but they don't realize they're actually causing long-term psychological damage.

My advice? Take small steps. Start separating your life from theirs. First off, think about moving out—physical distance changes everything.
And next time they pry, just tell them it's your business. Also, try going out with someone you actually like, even if she's an atheist 😁. Your parents don't need to know. Your relationship should be yours and yours alone.

Look, they have every right to live how they want, and nobody is obligated to change them—especially not their own kid.

The real challenge is finding a way for the author to actually live their life while somehow managing to coexist with their parents' worldview.

This isn't some rare occurrence either. 😁 You see stories like this on every street corner in America.

That’s just not gonna work... you can't have your cake and eat it too. Hiding things and lying isn't the answer... what, hide an atheist girlfriend? For how long? It's ridiculous... you can't just tuck a whole relationship into your pocket and pretend it doesn't exist...

Thanks for all the input, everyone.
I currently live with my parents, so I help out with things like bills and grocery shopping for the house.
Please don't take this the wrong way—I love them and really don't want any tension or arguments over stuff like this. I'm just trying to figure out a way to handle it so everyone stays happy.🍿

feralscout10 said:Thanks for all the input, everyone.
I currently live with my parents, so I help out with things like bills and grocery shopping for the house.
Please don't take this the wrong way—I love them and really don't want any tension or arguments over stuff like this. I'm just trying to figure out a way to handle it so everyone stays happy.🍿

Yeah, that's a tricky one, especially given 🍿

This whole situation is pretty awkward, considering everything you mentioned.
Basically, you're looking at two paths: either you play along, go to church like they raised you to, and eventually find a partner who fits their specific mold (since finding someone else might be an uphill battle), or things go sideways... and according to chaos theory, anything can happen. 😬

And if you actually tell them you aren't seeing anyone seriously and ask for a recommendation, 🙂, they might just have a few ideas up their sleeves.

At the end of the day, they aren't really looking for a wife *for you*—they're looking for a daughter-in-law and grandkids. It’s almost like your own preferences don't even factor into the equation... ☕