I'm not close with my mom

I’m starting this thread here because, frankly, I have nowhere else to turn.

The issue is my relationship with my mother—or rather, the total lack of one. I’m in my early twenties, still in college, and living at home. My mom takes care of us; she cooks, cleans, manages the house, and so on. Both she and my dad have provided me with everything financially, and for that, I am genuinely grateful.

The problem is that my relationship with her feels more like being roommates. There’s zero intimacy—we don't actually *know* each other. She doesn't know my friends, the struggles I face, or even my love life, simply because we never talk about those things. Our conversations are strictly functional: what’s for dinner, what needs to be picked up at Target, etc. She’s never even attempted to get to know me, build a bond, or ask how my life is going. I can't say if she’s ever even hugged me or told me she loves me.

When I went through puberty, she just handed me a box of pads—no explanation, no guidance. And don't even get me started on dating or sex; I had to learn everything from school textbooks and magazines.

I’ve always been more introverted, and during my teen years, I struggled with deep insecurities and low self-esteem, which made making friends difficult. Looking back, I think that was largely because I never heard a single encouraging word from her—never felt that sense of support.

Whenever I run into trouble, I don't turn to her—not that I even feel the need to, since we aren't built that way. There was a period when I started college and fell into a bit of a depressive slump; she didn't notice. Not even once.

It hits hard when I see my friends talking to their moms—how they can tell them anything, how their mothers are their biggest support systems. It’s painful. I never talk about it with anyone because, honestly, it’s embarrassing. We don't fight—which might be why our relationship isn't "toxic" like some others—but we aren't at war either. We're just... nothing.

We had one blowout argument where I finally laid it all out for her. She burst into tears and seemed completely blindsided by what I said, but even after that, nothing changed. The dynamic remained exactly the same.

I suspect this is just how she was raised—that her own mother was distant, so this "normalcy" makes sense to her. But to me, it’s nonsensical. Who wouldn't want a close bond with their child? How can someone be satisfied with such a hollow connection?

Even now, I find it hard to form deep connections with people, and I’m increasingly convinced it stems from my relationship with her. It weighs on me. At this point, I don't even have the desire to try and bridge the gap anymore; it feels like a lost cause. Instead, I find myself wishing I had been born to a different mother—someone I could actually talk to. I wonder if I would be a different person emotionally if I’d had that closeness.

I realize she’s provided for me financially, and I know there are people dealing with physical or psychological abuse, or constant fighting, so I feel somewhat guilty bringing this up as a "major" problem. I believe she loves me in her own way, but she never shows it. To me, that emotional component matters far more than any material thing a parent can provide.

Does anyone else have this kind of relationship with their mother? Does it bother you? Is there even any point in trying to fix it if she’s fundamentally uninterested?

What is your relationship with your mother like?

It’s almost like I’m looking at a version of myself in my 20s, writing about my relationship with my mother. The parallels are haunting. In my case, nothing ever shifted; the connection stayed distant, cold, indifferent. She performed her role perfectly for the public eye because she needed us to look good to the neighbors. But there was zero intimacy with me. For a long time, I assumed this was just how things were, until I saw how other parents actually treated their kids. It’s identical to your experience—she never asked about my period, my boyfriends, my feelings. Not even when they were resuscitating me in the ER; she didn't ask what happened or how I felt. Not a single word.
Back then, I didn't think it was wrong. I just thought, "that's just who she is." I held onto that delusion until I became a parent myself and started building a bond with my own children—a relationship built on actual conversation, emotional closeness, where my kids trust me, and where I fight for them with everything I have. Only then did I realize my mother had a completely warped view of what parenting meant.
I confronted her repeatedly in my early 20s, and she would just shut down, retreating into her shell like a turtle. Honestly, she wouldn't even argue; she was just terrified of the confrontation. Yet, she’d still turn to me for advice or help with various things. I always felt like I was the mother and she was the confused daughter who needed my constant patience and guidance.
Did anything change? Sure. She passed away young, and at her deathbed, it was just me, once again, the one taking care of her. She was sicker than she'd ever been. We never spoke about the irony of me being the one nursing her through the final stages of cancer, especially since she was never there for me—not when I was a kid crying over my first heartbreak, not when I was in the ICU, not during my pregnancy, or after I gave birth (she was too busy living her own life, a life I didn't fit into).
I know I haven't helped you much. If I had someone to turn to, I would, but I don't.
I could have faced a parent like that five times a day, and they’d just end up crushed. So why bother? It wouldn't make me feel any better, and I know my own strength.
No, I wasn't withdrawn like you; I never lacked confidence. Actually, I broke through every barrier in my life whenever I felt it was necessary—from college to my career to my relationships. I never let myself be at the mercy of others or circumstances, and more often than not, I get what I want. I have no patience for illness or people who are perpetually needy. I don't wait for others to act; I change things myself, right now. I am the complete opposite of what she was...
By the way, she was a stunning woman, the kind people turned heads for. And for me, there is nothing worse than someone telling me I look like her or act like her. Believe me, there have been many times I wanted to walk into traffic just to stop hearing, "You're so much like your mother, it really shows..." I am not her. I never was... even though, as a child, I wanted that more than anything.

Relationships are difficult endeavors; we all carry some sort of
underlying parental complex!
Perhaps it would be wise to address those issues with a licensed psychotherapist.

Look, she might not be hitting you or screaming at you, but just because it’s not violent doesn't mean it's healthy. It’s definitely not normal.

Have you thought about suggesting you both see a therapist together? Like, actually making it a requirement rather than a suggestion. I guess you have every right to ask for that, so there's really no reason to be afraid to bring it up.

ruggedcyclist64 said:I’m starting this thread here because, frankly, I have nowhere else to turn.

The issue is my relationship with my mother—or rather, the total lack of one. I’m in my early twenties, still in college, and living at home. My mom takes care of us; she cooks, cleans, manages the house, and so on. Both she and my dad have provided me with everything financially, and for that, I am genuinely grateful.

The problem is that my relationship with her feels more like being roommates. There’s zero intimacy—we don't actually *know* each other. She doesn't know my friends, the struggles I face, or even my love life, simply because we never talk about those things. Our conversations are strictly functional: what’s for dinner, what needs to be picked up at Target, etc. She’s never even attempted to get to know me, build a bond, or ask how my life is going. I can't say if she’s ever even hugged me or told me she loves me.

When I went through puberty, she just handed me a box of pads—no explanation, no guidance. And don't even get me started on dating or sex; I had to learn everything from school textbooks and magazines.

I’ve always been more introverted, and during my teen years, I struggled with deep insecurities and low self-esteem, which made making friends difficult. Looking back, I think that was largely because I never heard a single encouraging word from her—never felt that sense of support.

Whenever I run into trouble, I don't turn to her—not that I even feel the need to, since we aren't built that way. There was a period when I started college and fell into a bit of a depressive slump; she didn't notice. Not even once.

It hits hard when I see my friends talking to their moms—how they can tell them anything, how their mothers are their biggest support systems. It’s painful. I never talk about it with anyone because, honestly, it’s embarrassing. We don't fight—which might be why our relationship isn't "toxic" like some others—but we aren't at war either. We're just... nothing.

We had one blowout argument where I finally laid it all out for her. She burst into tears and seemed completely blindsided by what I said, but even after that, nothing changed. The dynamic remained exactly the same.

I suspect this is just how she was raised—that her own mother was distant, so this "normalcy" makes sense to her. But to me, it’s nonsensical. Who wouldn't want a close bond with their child? How can someone be satisfied with such a hollow connection?

Even now, I find it hard to form deep connections with people, and I’m increasingly convinced it stems from my relationship with her. It weighs on me. At this point, I don't even have the desire to try and bridge the gap anymore; it feels like a lost cause. Instead, I find myself wishing I had been born to a different mother—someone I could actually talk to. I wonder if I would be a different person emotionally if I’d had that closeness.

I realize she’s provided for me financially, and I know there are people dealing with physical or psychological abuse, or constant fighting, so I feel somewhat guilty bringing this up as a "major" problem. I believe she loves me in her own way, but she never shows it. To me, that emotional component matters far more than any material thing a parent can provide.

Does anyone else have this kind of relationship with their mother? Does it bother you? Is there even any point in trying to fix it if she’s fundamentally uninterested?

What is your relationship with your mother like?

Everything she provides is just her duty as a parent; you don't owe her some special debt of gratitude for that, but she fails to give the most essential things—love, attention, emotional support...

Just making sure you aren't hungry or thirsty doesn't make someone a mother.

The thing is, my relationship with my mom is more like being roommates. We aren't close at all; we barely know each other. She has no idea who my friends are, the struggles I face in life, or even my dating life, simply because we never talk about those things. Our conversations are strictly logistical—what's for dinner, what needs to be picked up at Target, etc. She never even tried to get to know me, to build a real connection, or ask how I was actually doing. I can't even remember the last time she gave me a hug or told me she loved me.

When I got my first period, she just handed me some pads and didn't explain anything, and it was the same with puberty... Not to mention boys, sex, or anything like that. I had to learn everything from school, magazines, and stuff like that.

I've always been the introverted type, and during my teenage years, I dealt with a lot of insecurities and very low self-esteem, which made making friends difficult... I feel like that was partially due to the fact that I never heard a single encouraging word from her or felt any kind of support.

Whenever I run into trouble in my life, I never turn to her for help, nor do I feel the need to, because we just don't have that kind of bond. There was a time when I started college and went through a bit of a depressive patch, and she didn't even notice.

It wasn't just "partially," it was total—and where was your father in all this?

But when I see my friends and their moms—how they can talk about absolutely anything, and how their mothers are their biggest supporters—it honestly hurts. I never tell anyone about this because I feel a bit ashamed. I don't fight with my mother (which might be why other people have bad relationships), and we aren't at war or anything; it's just that we aren't close at all.

She should be the one feeling ashamed, not you.

We actually had a huge blowout once—I laid everything out on the table, which honestly left her in tears. She seemed totally blindsided by what I said, but even after all that, nothing between us really changed.

Poor thing—she just turned herself into the victim; it’s nothing more than emotional manipulation.

I suspect this is just how her mother raised her—maybe she didn't have a close bond with her mom either, so this dynamic feels "normal" to her. But to me, it seems insane; I mean, who wouldn't want a deep connection with their kids? How can anyone be okay with a relationship like that?

It's possible, but it isn't an excuse—she had plenty of opportunities to work on herself before now.

Nowadays, I find it incredibly hard to build close bonds with people, and I’m starting to think it’s all because of my relationship with my mom. It’s tough to deal with. Honestly, I don't even have the desire to get closer to her anymore because it feels like a lost cause—instead, I sometimes wish I’d been born to a different mother, someone I could actually connect with. I wonder if I would be a completely different, happier person today if I’d had a mom I was close to.

It’s because you struggle to trust others—and frankly, how can you when your own mother didn't accept you? You would have been so much different and happier, but then again, where was your father in all of this?

I know she provided everything for me financially, and I realize some people deal with physical or mental abuse or constant fighting, so maybe I shouldn't frame this as such a massive issue. I believe she loves me as her child, but she never, ever actually shows it. And in my opinion, that emotional connection matters way more than any material things someone can provide.

Exactly—all the rest is just noise.

This kind of detachment can actually be much more painful—that lack of reaction, the indifference, being ignored... that's arguably the greatest hurt a parent can inflict.

I'm wondering if anyone else here has a similar relationship with their mother? Does it bother you? Is there even any point in trying if she’s completely indifferent?

What is your relationship with your mother like?

That was exactly my experience with my dad.

Go see a therapist first, because unfortunately, you've already been deeply affected by this.

Where was your father during this? What is your relationship with him like?

Honestly, my relationship with my mom is strictly about duty at this point—nothing more, nothing less. There’s just zero love there, mostly because she wasn't exactly great to me growing up. And hey, it’s not even that weird, right? If someone doesn't give you any love, why on earth would you feel obligated to give it back, even if they happen to be your mother?

BramtyP,

It’s truly unfortunate that your relationship with your mother feels so hollow, almost as if she isn't even there. I imagine there is a quiet, persistent longing deep down for the warmth, acceptance, and tenderness that most people associate with the concept of a mother.

Your conclusion makes sense; the way she treated you and the environment you were raised in—which seems to be the same one you're still navigating—has undoubtedly shaped how you approach intimacy and why connecting with others feels so difficult today.

I want to offer some encouragement: while a cold upbringing leaves its marks and creates certain behavioral patterns, it is entirely possible to work through this and build a stable sense of self and healthy relationships. I see evidence of this happening every single day. If you find that you're struggling to make progress on your own, please consider seeking out psychotherapy. There is no reason to shoulder this burden alone, nor should you risk passing these unconscious patterns onto your own future partners or family.

Wishing you nothing but the best.

I’m dealing with the exact same thing with my dad. He honestly couldn't care less about me. It’s rough, but you can work on healing those emotional wounds.

ruggedcyclist64 said:I’m starting this thread here because, frankly, I have nowhere else to turn.

The issue is my relationship with my mother—or rather, the total lack of one. I’m in my early twenties, still in college, and living at home. My mom takes care of us; she cooks, cleans, manages the house, and so on. Both she and my dad have provided me with everything financially, and for that, I am genuinely grateful.

The problem is that my relationship with her feels more like being roommates. There’s zero intimacy—we don't actually *know* each other. She doesn't know my friends, the struggles I face, or even my love life, simply because we never talk about those things. Our conversations are strictly functional: what’s for dinner, what needs to be picked up at Target, etc. She’s never even attempted to get to know me, build a bond, or ask how my life is going. I can't say if she’s ever even hugged me or told me she loves me.

When I went through puberty, she just handed me a box of pads—no explanation, no guidance. And don't even get me started on dating or sex; I had to learn everything from school textbooks and magazines.

I’ve always been more introverted, and during my teen years, I struggled with deep insecurities and low self-esteem, which made making friends difficult. Looking back, I think that was largely because I never heard a single encouraging word from her—never felt that sense of support.

Whenever I run into trouble, I don't turn to her—not that I even feel the need to, since we aren't built that way. There was a period when I started college and fell into a bit of a depressive slump; she didn't notice. Not even once.

It hits hard when I see my friends talking to their moms—how they can tell them anything, how their mothers are their biggest support systems. It’s painful. I never talk about it with anyone because, honestly, it’s embarrassing. We don't fight—which might be why our relationship isn't "toxic" like some others—but we aren't at war either. We're just... nothing.

We had one blowout argument where I finally laid it all out for her. She burst into tears and seemed completely blindsided by what I said, but even after that, nothing changed. The dynamic remained exactly the same.

I suspect this is just how she was raised—that her own mother was distant, so this "normalcy" makes sense to her. But to me, it’s nonsensical. Who wouldn't want a close bond with their child? How can someone be satisfied with such a hollow connection?

Even now, I find it hard to form deep connections with people, and I’m increasingly convinced it stems from my relationship with her. It weighs on me. At this point, I don't even have the desire to try and bridge the gap anymore; it feels like a lost cause. Instead, I find myself wishing I had been born to a different mother—someone I could actually talk to. I wonder if I would be a different person emotionally if I’d had that closeness.

I realize she’s provided for me financially, and I know there are people dealing with physical or psychological abuse, or constant fighting, so I feel somewhat guilty bringing this up as a "major" problem. I believe she loves me in her own way, but she never shows it. To me, that emotional component matters far more than any material thing a parent can provide.

Does anyone else have this kind of relationship with their mother? Does it bother you? Is there even any point in trying to fix it if she’s fundamentally uninterested?

What is your relationship with your mother like?

This is genuinely heartbreaking, but you can't force someone to be emotionally warm if they are fundamentally cold. What is your relationship with your father like? Do you have any siblings? Sometimes, a bond with another family member—like an aunt, a grandmother, a sister, or a father—can be much warmer than whatever you have with your mother.

ruggedcyclist64 said:I’m starting this thread here because, frankly, I have nowhere else to turn.

The issue is my relationship with my mother—or rather, the total lack of one. I’m in my early twenties, still in college, and living at home. My mom takes care of us; she cooks, cleans, manages the house, and so on. Both she and my dad have provided me with everything financially, and for that, I am genuinely grateful.

The problem is that my relationship with her feels more like being roommates. There’s zero intimacy—we don't actually *know* each other. She doesn't know my friends, the struggles I face, or even my love life, simply because we never talk about those things. Our conversations are strictly functional: what’s for dinner, what needs to be picked up at Target, etc. She’s never even attempted to get to know me, build a bond, or ask how my life is going. I can't say if she’s ever even hugged me or told me she loves me.

When I went through puberty, she just handed me a box of pads—no explanation, no guidance. And don't even get me started on dating or sex; I had to learn everything from school textbooks and magazines.

I’ve always been more introverted, and during my teen years, I struggled with deep insecurities and low self-esteem, which made making friends difficult. Looking back, I think that was largely because I never heard a single encouraging word from her—never felt that sense of support.

Whenever I run into trouble, I don't turn to her—not that I even feel the need to, since we aren't built that way. There was a period when I started college and fell into a bit of a depressive slump; she didn't notice. Not even once.

It hits hard when I see my friends talking to their moms—how they can tell them anything, how their mothers are their biggest support systems. It’s painful. I never talk about it with anyone because, honestly, it’s embarrassing. We don't fight—which might be why our relationship isn't "toxic" like some others—but we aren't at war either. We're just... nothing.

We had one blowout argument where I finally laid it all out for her. She burst into tears and seemed completely blindsided by what I said, but even after that, nothing changed. The dynamic remained exactly the same.

I suspect this is just how she was raised—that her own mother was distant, so this "normalcy" makes sense to her. But to me, it’s nonsensical. Who wouldn't want a close bond with their child? How can someone be satisfied with such a hollow connection?

Even now, I find it hard to form deep connections with people, and I’m increasingly convinced it stems from my relationship with her. It weighs on me. At this point, I don't even have the desire to try and bridge the gap anymore; it feels like a lost cause. Instead, I find myself wishing I had been born to a different mother—someone I could actually talk to. I wonder if I would be a different person emotionally if I’d had that closeness.

I realize she’s provided for me financially, and I know there are people dealing with physical or psychological abuse, or constant fighting, so I feel somewhat guilty bringing this up as a "major" problem. I believe she loves me in her own way, but she never shows it. To me, that emotional component matters far more than any material thing a parent can provide.

Does anyone else have this kind of relationship with their mother? Does it bother you? Is there even any point in trying to fix it if she’s fundamentally uninterested?

What is your relationship with your mother like?

This story hits way too close to home. It’s giving me major Tild vibes... honestly, it feels like something I would’ve written myself back when I was twenty. If I were you, I’d definitely look into talking to someone. You don't have to jump straight to a psychiatrist or anything, but maybe just find a good psychologist to vent to.

Brandon Newman95 said:This story hits way too close to home. It’s giving me major Tild vibes... honestly, it feels like something I would’ve written myself back when I was twenty. If I were you, I’d definitely look into talking to someone. You don't have to jump straight to a psychiatrist or anything, but maybe just find a good psychologist to vent to.

Don't go to just anyone, whether they are a psychiatrist or a psychologist. If you decide to see one, make sure they are specifically trained as psychotherapists.

Chris Taylor4 said:Don't go to just anyone, whether they are a psychiatrist or a psychologist. If you decide to see one, make sure they are specifically trained as psychotherapists.

Yeah, I get that. It could be a clinical psychologist who does psychotherapy, or a psychiatrist who specializes in it. Honestly? If I were in her shoes, I'd go with the psychologist-therapist route.

Brandon Newman95 said:Yeah, I get that. It could be a clinical psychologist who does psychotherapy, or a psychiatrist who specializes in it. Honestly? If I were in her shoes, I'd go with the psychologist-therapist route.

I agree. My main point was simply that not every psychiatrist or psychologist actually has specialized training in psychotherapy. When people don't realize that distinction and end up seeing someone without that specific education, they often walk away with more damage done than help received.