Victim of fate

darksurfer4 said:It’s the exact same cycle for me; I wake up feeling utterly hopeless, feel okay by the afternoon, and then by nightfall, the despair crawls back in along with those thoughts of just ending it all. Mind you, I don't deal with schizophrenia, which I know plays a massive role in how this manifests...

That’s interesting. My pattern is almost the opposite—I was in a good mood this morning, felt miserable this afternoon, and now I'm feeling okay again. Tomorrow? Who knows, I’ll probably be hitting rock bottom. ☕

Did Amon happen to study at UC Berkeley for his science degree?

Betty Fowler said:Did Amon happen to study at UC Berkeley for his science degree?

No—I guess Amon only finished elementary school.

Joseph Bailey41 said:That’s interesting. My pattern is almost the opposite—I was in a good mood this morning, felt miserable this afternoon, and now I'm feeling okay again. Tomorrow? Who knows, I’ll probably be hitting rock bottom. ☕

Honestly, I just write whenever the mood strikes; there isn't some strict schedule for when my temperament shifts, and usually, even the tiniest little thing can send me spiraling into a funk or lifting my spirits entirely. Mind you, lately, things haven't been quite so volatile—well, they still happen, but they aren't quite as violent as they used to be.

Do you have some sort of theory on why this happens? Is it just general dissatisfaction with life, or maybe that constant sense of uncertainty?

Joseph Bailey41 said:That’s interesting. My pattern is almost the opposite—I was in a good mood this morning, felt miserable this afternoon, and now I'm feeling okay again. Tomorrow? Who knows, I’ll probably be hitting rock bottom. ☕

Well, look, it doesn't always follow such a predictable pattern, does it? At the end of the day, even the smallest thing can trigger a massive peak or a total crash. Though, I suppose I am keeping a closer eye on these fluctuations lately, so they aren't hitting me quite as hard as they used to.

Do you have any particular theory regarding why these shifts happen?

Joseph Bailey41 said:That’s not a bad way to look at it, though I personally feel like you should sit down and try to negotiate with fate a little bit. 🙂

Exactly. 🙂 Sit down and negotiate. Forgive the debts. Wipe out the interest. Demand a full revaluation.

darksurfer4 said:Honestly, I just write whenever the mood strikes; there isn't some strict schedule for when my temperament shifts, and usually, even the tiniest little thing can send me spiraling into a funk or lifting my spirits entirely. Mind you, lately, things haven't been quite so volatile—well, they still happen, but they aren't quite as violent as they used to be.

Do you have some sort of theory on why this happens? Is it just general dissatisfaction with life, or maybe that constant sense of uncertainty?

It reminds me of that final paragraph in the Khazar Dictionary—you know, the masculine and androgynous edition. In it, the author realizes that a human being is a lot like a tree: the more branches you stretch toward the light, the deeper your roots have to sink into the darkness.

darkjackal7 Asks:
That’s exactly right. 🙂 Sit down and start negotiating. We need to write off those debts, get rid of the interest, and push through a full revaluation.

We’re on the same page. 👍

I recently tried this meditation where you step into what they call a "contract chamber." Once you're in there, you get to look directly at the agreement you made with destiny itself. You take a moment to really see if that deal still works for you—and if it doesn't, you can actually add amendments, tear up the old one, or just sit down and write a brand-new contract from scratch. 😁

Harold Anderson3 said:I actually need to sort out my residency paperwork in Washington, D.C. before I can get to that, but other than that, everything should be smooth sailing.

Honestly, I was feeling so incredibly overwhelmed this morning that right after I started this thread, I actually headed toward the hospital thinking I might need to be admitted. On my way there, though, I decided to pull over for a quick coffee, and after sitting in the cafe for about an hour, my perspective shifted and my mood improved quite a bit. To top it all off, an old friend reached out to me out of the blue, which was such a lovely surprise. I’m feeling much more like myself now.

Sitting in a café is my personal prescription for feeling better, too.
Whenever I feel miserable, angry, frightened, or just completely lost... I'll head to the other side of town, find a little coffee shop I haven’t visited in ages—or one I haven't been to since forever—order a beer, write in my journal, or just stare out the window and listen to the hum of the crowd. It allows me to detach from whatever is suffocating me or weighing me down.
Afterward, I usually take a stroll through the neighborhood, just wandering around... seeing different trees, meeting different people, soaking up a new vibe.
And everything inside me just shifts.
I'm glad you're feeling better, and I suspect getting that job will provide you with some much-needed stability in your routine.
Fingers crossed.

👍

Joseph Bailey41 said:It reminds me of that final paragraph in the Khazar Dictionary—you know, the masculine and androgynous edition. In it, the author realizes that a human being is a lot like a tree: the more branches you stretch toward the light, the deeper your roots have to sink into the darkness.

darkjackal7 Asks:
That’s exactly right. 🙂 Sit down and start negotiating. We need to write off those debts, get rid of the interest, and push through a full revaluation.

We’re on the same page. 👍

I recently tried this meditation where you step into what they call a "contract chamber." Once you're in there, you get to look directly at the agreement you made with destiny itself. You take a moment to really see if that deal still works for you—and if it doesn't, you can actually add amendments, tear up the old one, or just sit down and write a brand-new contract from scratch. 😁

Exactly. You dive deep into the dark, but that kind of root system is what provides stability for the entire trunk. There is no ascent without descent. You can’t grasp the heights without knowing the dark depths. It isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. You won't be able to bend under the wind or get snapped by even the strongest storms. At most, you might lose a few branches. You survive that.

We hear you. 👍

I once practiced a meditation where you enter a "contract chamber." There, you review the contract you signed with destiny itself—you see if it still fits who you are, and if it doesn't, you add amendments or tear it up and draft a new one. 😁

👍

I really like this concept; I’ll have to give it a shot. Even though I’m not typically one for visualizations, I once experimented with some techniques from Divine Spark Geometry that required quite a bit of mental imagery, and I actually had decent success. It led to genuine progress.

From my perspective, the absolute priority is stripping away fear. Fear is a massive anchor, and half the time we don't even realize what it is we're actually afraid of. You have to dismantle it.

I read somewhere a long time ago that laughter is the direct opposite of fear. It’s probably the single best tool we have to fight it. You shouldn't take anything too seriously. Step outside of yourself and observe your life from a distance. Stripping the importance away from things is a powerful weapon.

Joseph Bailey41 said:It reminds me of that final paragraph in the Khazar Dictionary—you know, the masculine and androgynous edition. In it, the author realizes that a human being is a lot like a tree: the more branches you stretch toward the light, the deeper your roots have to sink into the darkness.

darkjackal7 Asks:
That’s exactly right. 🙂 Sit down and start negotiating. We need to write off those debts, get rid of the interest, and push through a full revaluation.

We’re on the same page. 👍

I recently tried this meditation where you step into what they call a "contract chamber." Once you're in there, you get to look directly at the agreement you made with destiny itself. You take a moment to really see if that deal still works for you—and if it doesn't, you can actually add amendments, tear up the old one, or just sit down and write a brand-new contract from scratch. 😁

Look, I’ve never even heard of this Khazar Dictionary, let alone actually sat down to read it. What exactly are you getting at with all this talk about branches and roots? If you're even trying to make a point here...🤔

If we assume the sun represents some sort of enlightenment or a positive path, while the subterranean darkness stands for gloom and despair, does that imply that all our efforts are essentially futile? Are you suggesting that our primal, negative impulses are just too deeply embedded within us to ever truly overcome?

darksurfer4 said:Look, I’ve never even heard of this Khazar Dictionary, let alone actually sat down to read it. What exactly are you getting at with all this talk about branches and roots? If you're even trying to make a point here...🤔

If we assume the sun represents some sort of enlightenment or a positive path, while the subterranean darkness stands for gloom and despair, does that imply that all our efforts are essentially futile? Are you suggesting that our primal, negative impulses are just too deeply embedded within us to ever truly overcome?

Not at all. It’s more like what darkjackal7 was saying—by developing deeper roots, or by becoming more aware of our own negativity, we actually gain strength. That's what allows us to move forward toward a brighter future. 😁

Of course, if the process happens too fast, the trunk might crack. Even in nature, trees that grow too rapidly tend to be more flexible and less sturdy, whereas slow-growing trees are much denser and stronger.

And honestly, depression isn't really an emotion in itself, nor is it quite the same thing as sadness. It’s actually more of the opposite—a way of blocking out different emotions and impulses, which ends up temporarily stalling our personal growth.

Joseph Bailey41 said:Not at all. It’s more like what darkjackal7 was saying—by developing deeper roots, or by becoming more aware of our own negativity, we actually gain strength. That's what allows us to move forward toward a brighter future. 😁

Of course, if the process happens too fast, the trunk might crack. Even in nature, trees that grow too rapidly tend to be more flexible and less sturdy, whereas slow-growing trees are much denser and stronger.

And honestly, depression isn't really an emotion in itself, nor is it quite the same thing as sadness. It’s actually more of the opposite—a way of blocking out different emotions and impulses, which ends up temporarily stalling our personal growth.

Yeah, I think I follow. You have to coordinate the roots and the branches, and of course, the trunk that binds them all together.

I just don't quite grasp this idea about the "too fast" process. What exactly is wrong with those fast-growing, pliable trees? They won't snap even in a massive gale; they just bend with the wind. Isn't being flexible supposed to be the goal in life?

Speaking personally, my own roots feel more established now; I'm reaching toward the light, and I can honestly say that the older I get, the better I feel. Yet, there’s still this lingering regret over so much wasted time in my life, so I have to ask: what's the downside to growing faster?

There is something gnawing at me, something no one can give me a definitive answer to, but I'll put it out there anyway. When I was twenty-four, I was profoundly unhappy—suicidal, even; I was absolutely consumed by fears and all sorts of things. Back then, I sought psychiatric help, though I must admit it felt incredibly uncomfortable because, frankly, the whole thing felt fundamentally wrong. I saw a psychiatrist briefly at a local medical center, but I cut it short pretty quickly—partly due to that discomfort, but also because the entire experience just felt utterly pointless to me.🤔 Now, looking back with more certainty, I can't claim to know everything, but I stopped seeing mental health professionals altogether. Instead, we armed ourselves at home with a computer and an internet connection, and I started digging through the web, researching psychology, my own conditions, medical reports, papers, and so on. That’s how I stumbled upon this forum, and as I've mentioned before, writing here on this "psychological couch" has genuinely helped me.

But what haunts me is the "what if." What if I had actually stuck with professional therapy? Would my roots have grown faster? Would my arms have reached toward the sun sooner, and with more heart?

darksurfer4 said:Yeah, I think I follow. You have to coordinate the roots and the branches, and of course, the trunk that binds them all together.

I just don't quite grasp this idea about the "too fast" process. What exactly is wrong with those fast-growing, pliable trees? They won't snap even in a massive gale; they just bend with the wind. Isn't being flexible supposed to be the goal in life?

Speaking personally, my own roots feel more established now; I'm reaching toward the light, and I can honestly say that the older I get, the better I feel. Yet, there’s still this lingering regret over so much wasted time in my life, so I have to ask: what's the downside to growing faster?

There is something gnawing at me, something no one can give me a definitive answer to, but I'll put it out there anyway. When I was twenty-four, I was profoundly unhappy—suicidal, even; I was absolutely consumed by fears and all sorts of things. Back then, I sought psychiatric help, though I must admit it felt incredibly uncomfortable because, frankly, the whole thing felt fundamentally wrong. I saw a psychiatrist briefly at a local medical center, but I cut it short pretty quickly—partly due to that discomfort, but also because the entire experience just felt utterly pointless to me.🤔 Now, looking back with more certainty, I can't claim to know everything, but I stopped seeing mental health professionals altogether. Instead, we armed ourselves at home with a computer and an internet connection, and I started digging through the web, researching psychology, my own conditions, medical reports, papers, and so on. That’s how I stumbled upon this forum, and as I've mentioned before, writing here on this "psychological couch" has genuinely helped me.

But what haunts me is the "what if." What if I had actually stuck with professional therapy? Would my roots have grown faster? Would my arms have reached toward the sun sooner, and with more heart?

You were banned for a little while there.👍
Look, I think psychiatrists are for people who truly, desperately need them.
If someone is able to pull themselves through on their own, that's arguably much better than relying on professional intervention.
It's the same logic as saying it's better to function without medication than to depend on it.
And so on. Personally, I'm glad medication exists because I truly rely on it, even if I wish I didn't have to take it.
For me, popular psychology books were also a huge help.
There is this concept often discussed called the 'plateau experience.' It isn't enough to simply climb to a certain height; you actually have to be able to stay there. Constantly ascending and then crashing back down isn't exactly a positive way to live either (which is something I struggle with, along with anyone else prone to manic-depressive cycles).

darksurfer4 said:Yeah, I think I follow. You have to coordinate the roots and the branches, and of course, the trunk that binds them all together.

I just don't quite grasp this idea about the "too fast" process. What exactly is wrong with those fast-growing, pliable trees? They won't snap even in a massive gale; they just bend with the wind. Isn't being flexible supposed to be the goal in life?

Speaking personally, my own roots feel more established now; I'm reaching toward the light, and I can honestly say that the older I get, the better I feel. Yet, there’s still this lingering regret over so much wasted time in my life, so I have to ask: what's the downside to growing faster?

There is something gnawing at me, something no one can give me a definitive answer to, but I'll put it out there anyway. When I was twenty-four, I was profoundly unhappy—suicidal, even; I was absolutely consumed by fears and all sorts of things. Back then, I sought psychiatric help, though I must admit it felt incredibly uncomfortable because, frankly, the whole thing felt fundamentally wrong. I saw a psychiatrist briefly at a local medical center, but I cut it short pretty quickly—partly due to that discomfort, but also because the entire experience just felt utterly pointless to me.🤔 Now, looking back with more certainty, I can't claim to know everything, but I stopped seeing mental health professionals altogether. Instead, we armed ourselves at home with a computer and an internet connection, and I started digging through the web, researching psychology, my own conditions, medical reports, papers, and so on. That’s how I stumbled upon this forum, and as I've mentioned before, writing here on this "psychological couch" has genuinely helped me.

But what haunts me is the "what if." What if I had actually stuck with professional therapy? Would my roots have grown faster? Would my arms have reached toward the sun sooner, and with more heart?

Look, if you’re willing to be flexible, you can definitely afford to scale fast. But if you aren't? You have to take it slow, otherwise, you're just going to snap under the pressure. 😁

darksurfer4 said:Yeah, I think I follow. You have to coordinate the roots and the branches, and of course, the trunk that binds them all together.

I just don't quite grasp this idea about the "too fast" process. What exactly is wrong with those fast-growing, pliable trees? They won't snap even in a massive gale; they just bend with the wind. Isn't being flexible supposed to be the goal in life?

Speaking personally, my own roots feel more established now; I'm reaching toward the light, and I can honestly say that the older I get, the better I feel. Yet, there’s still this lingering regret over so much wasted time in my life, so I have to ask: what's the downside to growing faster?

There is something gnawing at me, something no one can give me a definitive answer to, but I'll put it out there anyway. When I was twenty-four, I was profoundly unhappy—suicidal, even; I was absolutely consumed by fears and all sorts of things. Back then, I sought psychiatric help, though I must admit it felt incredibly uncomfortable because, frankly, the whole thing felt fundamentally wrong. I saw a psychiatrist briefly at a local medical center, but I cut it short pretty quickly—partly due to that discomfort, but also because the entire experience just felt utterly pointless to me.🤔 Now, looking back with more certainty, I can't claim to know everything, but I stopped seeing mental health professionals altogether. Instead, we armed ourselves at home with a computer and an internet connection, and I started digging through the web, researching psychology, my own conditions, medical reports, papers, and so on. That’s how I stumbled upon this forum, and as I've mentioned before, writing here on this "psychological couch" has genuinely helped me.

But what haunts me is the "what if." What if I had actually stuck with professional therapy? Would my roots have grown faster? Would my arms have reached toward the sun sooner, and with more heart?

Not necessarily. Therapy isn't always about driving personal growth; sometimes, it’s just about managing the symptoms and making things a little more bearable. But honestly, there’s no point in beating yourself up over the past. It happened, and it happened. If you could have done better, you would have. Let's just move forward.

I watched this video, and I have to say, it really gets you thinking about how much we take for granted in our daily lives. It’s easy to get caught up in the grind, but seeing things from this perspective makes you realize there's a lot more going on beneath the surface than most of us care to admit. It's a bit heavy, sure, but honestly, it feels like a necessary reality check. I'm still processing some of the points made, but I'd love to hear what everyone else thinks about it. Was it just me, or did anyone else find themselves staring at a wall for a few minutes after the credits rolled?

Joseph Bailey41, this is an OT. Got any book recommendations for me? I’m looking for something you’ve read recently that actually stuck with you. If you happen to have a copy sitting on your computer in PDF format, I could just download it right away.

I've been diving into this book lately, and I finally found that specific meditation I was telling you about:

https://www.amazon.com/Change-Your-S.../dp/1844094642

On a lighter note, I stumbled upon this little story the other day that really stuck with me:

http://thepropertyofhate.com/SquareTales/The_Purpose

Joseph Bailey41 said:I've been diving into this book lately, and I finally found that specific meditation I was telling you about:

https://www.amazon.com/Change-Your-S.../dp/1844094642

On a lighter note, I stumbled upon this little story the other day that really stuck with me:

http://thepropertyofhate.com/SquareTales/The_Purpose

Alright, look, that worm story wasn't bad, but I felt a bit let down. Just when things were finally getting intense, it wrapped up way too fast. To be honest, I’m just not feeling like reading stuff like this lately. If it isn't a solid Crime novel, a gripping drama, or maybe some Sci-Fi, I just can't get into it.

Have you ever read Hyperion?

http://www.izvori.com/knjiga.php?id=32

Joseph Bailey41 said:Have you ever read Hyperion?

http://www.izvori.com/knjiga.php?id=32

No, I haven't. But I checked out the synopsis, and man, it looks intense. Thanks for the tip. Honestly, it reminds me of all this stuff people are obsessing over lately—you know, the whole AI and robotics craze. It’s like something straight out of a sci-fi thriller set in Pavuna. Do you happen to have a copy? I noticed there's a $48 charge for it online. That's a bit steep for me right now.

Jose Ward4 said:No, I haven't. But I checked out the synopsis, and man, it looks intense. Thanks for the tip. Honestly, it reminds me of all this stuff people are obsessing over lately—you know, the whole AI and robotics craze. It’s like something straight out of a sci-fi thriller set in Pavuna. Do you happen to have a copy? I noticed there's a $48 charge for it online. That's a bit steep for me right now.

An annual library membership is only $50. 😉