Existential dread: Does any of this actually matter?

Joseph Bailey41 said:Unconventional, special, it’s all the same thing. From what you’ve shared, I get the impression you feel somewhat isolated from everyone else—like you’ve gone through things they haven't, which makes it hard to find any real connection. That’s a very common feeling for people dealing with trauma, and honestly, your family situation sounds pretty toxic.

There are therapists, counselors, shamans, healers... it doesn't really matter which path you take. What matters is finding someone who is truly ready to listen and understand without forcing their own opinions on you. At the end of the day, you're the only one who can discover your own purpose in life; nobody else can do that for you.

It seems to me that, for starters, you could really benefit from opening up to someone—just letting out all that negativity you're carrying around before you eventually hit a breaking point. It’s only logical that when you're in a state of rage, you aren't going to find much empathy. The tools you picked up during counseling are still with you and can help; the professional you worked with got you to a certain point, but they reached their limit. Now, it's time for someone else to step in. This continues until you learn how to manage your own emotions and frustrations, plan for your future, and build deeper connections. In short, until you learn how to actually live.

Perhaps one day when I actually have someone to talk to... But by the time that day arrives, it might already be too late.
One never knows; you're here today and gone tomorrow...
This has been breaking me down for quite some time now. I'm nearing the edge, and once I snap, who knows what happens next?

Morgan Campbell4 said:Perhaps one day when I actually have someone to talk to... But by the time that day arrives, it might already be too late.
One never knows; you're here today and gone tomorrow...
This has been breaking me down for quite some time now. I'm nearing the edge, and once I snap, who knows what happens next?

Hey, let's not get too dramatic. Tomorrow’s Monday—just go ahead and get yourself an appointment with a therapist. ☕

The crisis is hitting hard.
I went through something pretty much identical about two years ago. Honestly, I wouldn’t say I’m doing significantly better today, but at least I stopped losing sleep over questions that won't have an answer until I'm dead and gone.

Meaning in life is just whatever you decide it is.
The same goes for meaninglessness—that’s a personal choice, too.
At the end of the day, you get to pick whether you want to give your existence some purpose or not.

I haven’t found my "purpose," but I’ve stopped looking for it.
The Endgame is just being happy when the day is done. I truly don't care if that happens with a partner, a kid, a cat, or just by myself.
If I ended up living on the streets but was actually happy, I'd take that over being miserable in a mansion any day.

We aren't all Teslas. Not everyone is built for something massive or legendary that people will talk about for decades. Most great artists lived their whole lives with nothing; they were nobodies who only became a BigName long after they passed away.
I bet even for them, existence felt totally pointless sometimes.

I know "you're young" sounds like a cliché, but I don't mean it as a dig.
It just means you have way more years ahead of you than someone who's already eighty.
Saying "you're young" doesn't invalidate the pain you've been through or why you feel this way.
There’s a difference. You still have the time to turn things around. For an eighty-year-old... that's a much harder sell.

You know what you bring to the table, and your ego is probably big for a reason.
I can't reconcile the girl from the forums with the person I know in RLu, even if you turned me upside down.
I don't think this is the real you. This is just the darkest, worst part of you, but you are so much more than this.

Everything is going to be okay.
I told you what steps I would take if I were in your shoes.
You still have time, and you still have the drive.
You fall, you get back up, you keep moving.

As for people... the less you look for them, the more you'll actually find.
Personally, I spent most of my life without many friends, and now I'm surrounded by just a few—but honestly, I don't need anything more. They showed up when anyone else would have walked away, simply because they saw I was more than just what's written on a medical chart.

You mentioned you went out for the first time in ages yesterday. Change that.
Get out, hang out, just mess around.
Let your Endgame be going to bed feeling happy. And do whatever it takes to make that happen.
People are mostly just looking out for themselves anyway, so don't waste energy worrying about what they think or do.
It might sound harsh, but it took me enough setbacks to reach this conclusion, which honestly becomes obvious around high school when people start showing their true colors.

Maybe that sounds shitty, but I'd rather be a happy jerk than a miserable saint. 🙂.

You're going to be fine.
I know you want to be. 😉.

Devaa, would you say that depression is actually one of the diagnostic criteria for bipolar disorder? It feels like something I’ve read somewhere before... I can't quite put my finger on it. Also, do you find yourself frequently feeling like everything is just completely uninteresting and dull?

I think I follow your drift, but I honestly don't have much advice to offer you here.
I’m actually in a very similar headspace myself.
Maybe the best move would be to step away from the internet for a while.
Try a complete 180-degree shift in your daily routine.
It isn't easy, but it's worth a shot.

"The desire to die is a sign of beginning to understand."
Franz Kafka

What really helped me was realizing that nonexistence isn't some higher calling or a more legitimate alternative to being alive. It’s not "superior" in some imaginary hierarchy. If anything, you could argue the same for existence itself, since we were dropped into this life as humans, and everything you mentioned—even just waiting for the pain to pass—is part of that human experience. Creating things is also human; you get to pick what you make, and it doesn't have to be some grand, world-changing masterpiece. Just something that brings you a bit of joy. Obviously, you shouldn't just sit there waiting for the agony of waiting to subside until it becomes unbearable; you need to change something, maybe just by adjusting how much of your time you spend waiting. It also clicked for me that life actually happens in the moments when you're truly living them, which puts you outside the linear flow of time. That timeline only exists because we surrender to these human desires, joys, pains, and tears—everything that's been biologically hardwired into us. Personally, I find peace watching the colors of the sky at dusk or seeing snow fall so thick you can actually hear it settling. Someone might look at that and call it a fleeting, trivial distraction, but the thing is, when you truly immerse yourself in it, you aren't observing it from the outside. You aren't looking at it as an object. In those moments, it's real. It’s the only truth because you aren't overthinking it; you're just living. You're just existing. Once you start looking back at an experience from the outside and trying to assign it value, you've already drifted into a kind of nonexistence, and honestly, nothing would feel any different even if you did end it all.

Regarding counseling, there's a spot in Times Square that offers student rates $33, so you can reach out via email.

I have decided to make a move toward change. I’ve started losing too much lately, and I am quite dissatisfied with the direction
these losses are taking. Today was particularly foolish; I haven't eaten anything all day besides a few crackers and
just drank. There is no appetite, yet I feel nauseous from hunger. I have concluded that I focus far too much
on questions to which, generally speaking, absolutely no one—including myself—can provide an answer.
And perhaps the answers to certain questions only arrive after death, assuming death is even a destination.

There are certain things that motivate me slightly, but today was simply one of those animalistic days,
which, ironically, spurred me toward something I don't actually desire.
Because of that, I even studied today; I sent out a few resumes and will soon be changing my email signature. 🙂
There is a vast amount of things I need to fix—things I messed up because I didn't want to deal with them.

Thank God that one of my many diagnoses isn't bipolar; I hope it never becomes so.
It isn't interesting; in fact, it is quite boring. However, certain things have shifted in my mind, my life, and my job, leading
me to take a step that I will begin implementing tomorrow (I did something small today just to test my motivation).
I plan to see a doctor in two weeks once I settle everything at the office. And there will definitely be significantly less
whining that leads nowhere, since whining won't lead me anywhere beyond this current state anyway.

I have an extensive list of repairs and goals to achieve across almost every segment of my life.
I will attempt to remain persistent in achieving them. Ultimately, I realize that with whatever support I might eventually receive,
no one else can or will help me accomplish this. I haven't written anything in a while because I read the recent comments and wasn't
sure exactly what to say to make it sound like my own voice; I don't even know if what I am writing is any good.

But certain things in my mind have shaken me—even devastated me, I would say. Perhaps the beginning of understanding
comes through the silence that resides within us all; a silence as vast as the universe, and when we experience that silence, we remember who we are.
Voices in the back of the head.

The pain I feel daily, and even now as I write this—this sensation of heaviness in my stomach,
a whirlwind of aches as if something inside me is wrong; it is unpleasant and creates a sense of discomfort and anxiety.
That pressure and pain, every time I eat or abstain from eating, is exhausting.
I no longer want this; I want to feel well and I want to start working toward that goal.

Thank you to everyone who reads and comments on my threads, no matter how often it seems they are all essentially the same.
But these things I am going through—these pains—are not something I would wish upon anyone.
They hinder me in so many ways, and I am simply losing, losing, and losing everything that matters to me.
I am done with this losing, these pains, and these sensations. I need change; perhaps change needs me.
I don't know, but there are fears I must confront.
At least, that is what the "card" says, which I pulled immediately following an overdose; it's almost "funny" to me that out of a backpack full of messages, I pulled that specific one.
As for psychological wellness, I will certainly look into that.

Morgan Campbell4 said:I have decided to make a move toward change. I’ve started losing too much lately, and I am quite dissatisfied with the direction
these losses are taking. Today was particularly foolish; I haven't eaten anything all day besides a few crackers and
just drank. There is no appetite, yet I feel nauseous from hunger. I have concluded that I focus far too much
on questions to which, generally speaking, absolutely no one—including myself—can provide an answer.
And perhaps the answers to certain questions only arrive after death, assuming death is even a destination.

There are certain things that motivate me slightly, but today was simply one of those animalistic days,
which, ironically, spurred me toward something I don't actually desire.
Because of that, I even studied today; I sent out a few resumes and will soon be changing my email signature. 🙂
There is a vast amount of things I need to fix—things I messed up because I didn't want to deal with them.

Thank God that one of my many diagnoses isn't bipolar; I hope it never becomes so.
It isn't interesting; in fact, it is quite boring. However, certain things have shifted in my mind, my life, and my job, leading
me to take a step that I will begin implementing tomorrow (I did something small today just to test my motivation).
I plan to see a doctor in two weeks once I settle everything at the office. And there will definitely be significantly less
whining that leads nowhere, since whining won't lead me anywhere beyond this current state anyway.

I have an extensive list of repairs and goals to achieve across almost every segment of my life.
I will attempt to remain persistent in achieving them. Ultimately, I realize that with whatever support I might eventually receive,
no one else can or will help me accomplish this. I haven't written anything in a while because I read the recent comments and wasn't
sure exactly what to say to make it sound like my own voice; I don't even know if what I am writing is any good.

But certain things in my mind have shaken me—even devastated me, I would say. Perhaps the beginning of understanding
comes through the silence that resides within us all; a silence as vast as the universe, and when we experience that silence, we remember who we are.
Voices in the back of the head.

The pain I feel daily, and even now as I write this—this sensation of heaviness in my stomach,
a whirlwind of aches as if something inside me is wrong; it is unpleasant and creates a sense of discomfort and anxiety.
That pressure and pain, every time I eat or abstain from eating, is exhausting.
I no longer want this; I want to feel well and I want to start working toward that goal.

Thank you to everyone who reads and comments on my threads, no matter how often it seems they are all essentially the same.
But these things I am going through—these pains—are not something I would wish upon anyone.
They hinder me in so many ways, and I am simply losing, losing, and losing everything that matters to me.
I am done with this losing, these pains, and these sensations. I need change; perhaps change needs me.
I don't know, but there are fears I must confront.
At least, that is what the "card" says, which I pulled immediately following an overdose; it's almost "funny" to me that out of a backpack full of messages, I pulled that specific one.
As for psychological wellness, I will certainly look into that.

Wait, what? 🤔