I don't want to

I’ve been married for several years now, and we have a kid together. My biggest struggle right now is that I’m dealing with some pretty heavy insecurity. We’ve had our highs and lows—times where we were totally in sync and times where we drifted apart. Right now, we’re just in this neutral zone, but I’m being hit by this intense wave of anxiety and negativity.
My husband is one of those guarded guys who almost never opens up about his feelings, what he’s thinking, or how he actually feels about our relationship. Honestly, if I don't be the one to push for a deep conversation, we’d just drift aimlessly. He tends to be pretty passive, and when things start piling up—like routine burnout or small frictions—he just lets them sit there. Meanwhile, I process everything intensely. I feel everything so deeply that I sometimes feel like I'm suffocating under the weight of my own emotions. My behavior swings wildly; one minute I’m feeling so crushed by his coldness that it hurts inside, and the next, I just want him to feel exactly what I'm feeling, which turns into anger. He travels a lot for work lately, and that’s been a massive trigger for me. It’s gotten to the point where I feel like I'm losing my mind. I’m obsessed with the idea that he might find someone else attractive while he's away. He’s constantly surrounded by colleagues and people in high-end business circles, and everything seems perfect on paper. It’s not even that I fear infidelity—he’s not that kind of guy—it’s just the thought that someone else might catch his eye. I know this is just a projection of my own deep insecurity and low self-esteem. I know I need to work on myself, find my own thing, and build a life that’s mine. In theory, I have all that, but I can’t tell if my struggles are coming from my own insecurities or if they're a reaction to the fact that he isn't meeting my need for affection and attention. Because, frankly, that's missing. Is it normal that certain harmless comments he makes about another woman looking good actually physically hurt me? Like, when we're out in a group and someone makes a comment and he chimes in, it genuinely wounds me. I know it sounds irrational, and that’s what frustrates me most—I *don't want* to feel this way. I’m not unattractive, I’m not out of shape, and I’m not a failure. But deep down, I just don't feel like I'm enough. What is wrong with me?

Frankly, there is only one thing on my mind. Generally speaking, women seem to want it all—unending love and constant attention. In your younger years, you have the chance to find a guy who actually offers that, but then again, such a man becomes boring. So, you opt for the polar opposite: someone cold, distant, and so on. You spend your entire life with him, foolishly hoping he will eventually transform into the partner you could have had from the very beginning. It is a predictable cycle. And just like what I mentioned before, once the years pass and you realize you wasted your life on the wrong person, things fall apart. My parents were the same; they used to say the "bad boys" were much more interesting when we were younger. Why not simply tell him that you miss the affection or a kind word? It is quite straightforward. What is so logical about pining for something you knew from the start you would never receive? People only change because of illness, and unfortunately, it is rarely for the better.

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Morgan Campbell4 said:Frankly, there is only one thing on my mind. Generally speaking, women seem to want it all—unending love and constant attention. In your younger years, you have the chance to find a guy who actually offers that, but then again, such a man becomes boring. So, you opt for the polar opposite: someone cold, distant, and so on. You spend your entire life with him, foolishly hoping he will eventually transform into the partner you could have had from the very beginning. It is a predictable cycle. And just like what I mentioned before, once the years pass and you realize you wasted your life on the wrong person, things fall apart. My parents were the same; they used to say the "bad boys" were much more interesting when we were younger. Why not simply tell him that you miss the affection or a kind word? It is quite straightforward. What is so logical about pining for something you knew from the start you would never receive? People only change because of illness, and unfortunately, it is rarely for the better.

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The iPhone 8 stereotype is that at first, he was so open; he’d dive into deep conversations about feelings and was totally crazy about me, blah blah...

Over the years, different personalities and constant fighting just pushed us apart. Even when we do manage to get close or actually start making an effort, it’s never like that magical honeymoon phase at the start. He’s basically a closed book, though if we ever hit a really deep conversation, he’ll say what’s on his mind and how he feels. Otherwise, he just doesn't show it.

I’ve told him literally 800 times exactly how I feel, but it feels like I’m just talking to a brick wall. Plus, he doesn't have the same needs I do when it comes to certain things. For me, connection and validation are huge—that feeling that we’re unbreakable. For him? Not so much. He just wants everything to be "normal."

He isn't going to be the one to fix your insecurities or soothe your frustrations. Honestly, that’s just not his job to carry, and it shouldn't be. You have to navigate those feelings on your own.

It really doesn't matter how you two acted when you were both floating around in that honeymoon phase—we all tend to act a little differently when we're caught up in that chemical rush. Real life actually begins once you finally drift out of that cloud. As long as you can accept the other person for who they truly are, regardless of how much your personalities might clash, then everything will be fine. Trying to reshape someone else into what you want them to be... well, it's neither possible nor fair. But I get it, that's exactly what you're aiming for.

northerncobra27 said:He isn't going to be the one to fix your insecurities or soothe your frustrations. Honestly, that’s just not his job to carry, and it shouldn't be. You have to navigate those feelings on your own.

It really doesn't matter how you two acted when you were both floating around in that honeymoon phase—we all tend to act a little differently when we're caught up in that chemical rush. Real life actually begins once you finally drift out of that cloud. As long as you can accept the other person for who they truly are, regardless of how much your personalities might clash, then everything will be fine. Trying to reshape someone else into what you want them to be... well, it's neither possible nor fair. But I get it, that's exactly what you're aiming for.

You totally missed my point. I want to change *myself*. I don't want to feel this way anymore. That's the whole reason I asked the question.

Of course this happened once the relationship settled into a routine. Honestly, how old are you people? It’s clearly just who they are. Even someone I'm genuinely attracted to doesn't feel the need to constantly verbalize their feelings. If you can't accept that, then unfortunately, you're just wasting your time with him. Besides, there's a child involved, for heaven's sake...

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driftingridge6 said:You totally missed my point. I want to change *myself*. I don't want to feel this way anymore. That's the whole reason I asked the question.

Actually, what you are truly seeking is more affection, more validation, and more emotional presence from his side. That is just who you are at your core; those are your fundamental needs within a partnership. You cannot fundamentally "change" your essence, though you can certainly attempt to suppress your feelings or exercise self-control. There will be times when you manage it quite effectively, and other times—perhaps during particularly vulnerable periods of your life—where you might find it much harder to maintain that composure.
It can be incredibly taxing, this imbalance in how two people communicate. To give you some perspective, I once ended a long-term relationship where the primary issue was exactly this: his passivity and his tendency to withdraw whenever things got difficult.
If I were to offer any advice, it would be to gradually build a fulfilling life for yourself—one where his absence wouldn't leave such a massive void—but then one must ask: if you reach that point, what purpose does the relationship serve? You are going to have to find a compromise or a specific modus operandi, because breaking up when you are just dating is a world away from ending a marriage involving children. If you were merely dating, I would tell you to go find happiness elsewhere, with someone who can meet you on that vital emotional level. But since there is more at stake here, you really must weigh the pros and cons very carefully.

I find myself feeling quite melancholy about this situation... It truly strikes me as absurd that perfectly wonderful people—individuals who are warm, empathetic, and deeply feeling—can end up feeling fundamentally inadequate. They start believing the flaw lies within themselves, descending into insecurity and self-deprecation. But why does this happen? It happens because they are tethered to the wrong people, individuals with whom they simply lack any true compatibility.
Author, I believe the exact same thing applies to you. While we haven't met personally, I can certainly recognize the pattern unfolding here. You are a person of high character, yet you find yourself performing this role of an insecure person simply because your partner isn't your match. Your personalities just don't align. Or perhaps the issue is more profound; maybe he has lost that spark of affection for you and is simply too afraid to face the truth.
Whatever the case may be, please understand that you are essentially fine just as you are; it is your marriage that is the problem... I urge you to try to step back and look at everything through a lens of objective analysis.

If you actually put in the work to change your own mindset, it’ll totally transform the vibe between you two.
Even if he’s just sitting there being passive.
Yeah, he's gotten soft—it happens to all of us eventually, whether we're single or coupled up.
Life is only a struggle if you decide to make it one.
A woman who actually believes in herself and feels good in her own skin radiates that energy to everyone around her.
Sort out your own insecurities regardless of what he's doing. You can always upgrade yourself, but trying to "fix" someone else? Not so much.

Jeremy Fowler45 said:If you actually put in the work to change your own mindset, it’ll totally transform the vibe between you two.
Even if he’s just sitting there being passive.
Yeah, he's gotten soft—it happens to all of us eventually, whether we're single or coupled up.
Life is only a struggle if you decide to make it one.
A woman who actually believes in herself and feels good in her own skin radiates that energy to everyone around her.
Sort out your own insecurities regardless of what he's doing. You can always upgrade yourself, but trying to "fix" someone else? Not so much.

Unbelievable... It is always the exact same narrative. It’s always the woman who is supposedly "wrong," the one who needs to evolve, and the one tasked with making everyone else happy.
Honestly, what a collection of tired clichés you just tossed out there, specifically 🙄
In any healthy dynamic, people need to cooperate and put in mutual effort to sustain their connection. Suggesting that everything hinges on just one person—most often the woman—is nothing short of a massive 👎

The best move is probably just to walk away from him. It honestly looks like he’s completely checked out and is only staying because of the marriage and the kid.

You're young; just imagine what the rest of your life is going to look like if you stay with him.
And why bother? There's really no point.

driftingridge6 said:I’ve been married for several years now, and we have a kid together. My biggest struggle right now is that I’m dealing with some pretty heavy insecurity. We’ve had our highs and lows—times where we were totally in sync and times where we drifted apart. Right now, we’re just in this neutral zone, but I’m being hit by this intense wave of anxiety and negativity.
My husband is one of those guarded guys who almost never opens up about his feelings, what he’s thinking, or how he actually feels about our relationship. Honestly, if I don't be the one to push for a deep conversation, we’d just drift aimlessly. He tends to be pretty passive, and when things start piling up—like routine burnout or small frictions—he just lets them sit there. Meanwhile, I process everything intensely. I feel everything so deeply that I sometimes feel like I'm suffocating under the weight of my own emotions. My behavior swings wildly; one minute I’m feeling so crushed by his coldness that it hurts inside, and the next, I just want him to feel exactly what I'm feeling, which turns into anger. He travels a lot for work lately, and that’s been a massive trigger for me. It’s gotten to the point where I feel like I'm losing my mind. I’m obsessed with the idea that he might find someone else attractive while he's away. He’s constantly surrounded by colleagues and people in high-end business circles, and everything seems perfect on paper. It’s not even that I fear infidelity—he’s not that kind of guy—it’s just the thought that someone else might catch his eye. I know this is just a projection of my own deep insecurity and low self-esteem. I know I need to work on myself, find my own thing, and build a life that’s mine. In theory, I have all that, but I can’t tell if my struggles are coming from my own insecurities or if they're a reaction to the fact that he isn't meeting my need for affection and attention. Because, frankly, that's missing. Is it normal that certain harmless comments he makes about another woman looking good actually physically hurt me? Like, when we're out in a group and someone makes a comment and he chimes in, it genuinely wounds me. I know it sounds irrational, and that’s what frustrates me most—I *don't want* to feel this way. I’m not unattractive, I’m not out of shape, and I’m not a failure. But deep down, I just don't feel like I'm enough. What is wrong with me?

The fact that your personalities are so different is feeding into that deep insecurity. You’re terrified of being left behind, and you're scared the relationship will fall apart and leave you alone (like you'd lose something precious). That feeling of being vulnerable is driving your anxiety, frustration, and jealousy. You're getting mad at him because you perceive him as the cause of how you feel, but he isn't—he’s just who he is, and you can't change him.
You really have to find a way to communicate your fears and the issues in the relationship. You need to talk to him and try to explain how much you need that foundation—that sense of security—to hold onto.
You also need to work on accepting your differences; he isn't a carbon copy of you, and he's never going to be exactly what you want him to be. You need to accept him as an individual, but also express yourself as an individual.
That anxiety you're feeling is totally normal for most relationships where an insecure partner feels like they're losing their footing. Instead of dwelling on the negative emotions right now, try to focus on the positive parts of your relationship—and I bet there are plenty. Sometimes just one honest talk and a hug after you've let it all out—not to mention sex—can totally reset things. It helps you realize how much he loves you regardless of the differences you're hyper-focusing on because of your insecurity. It’s the same deal with jealousy; it can get intense or even pathological even when a partner hasn't done anything wrong, but a jealous person is just reacting to that fear of "potential loss."
So, my little piece of advice... just get closer to each other. Talk more, hang out, and actually have those deep conversations that clear up any insecurities and help you embrace your differences—and honestly? Throw some more playful teasing into the mix too... oh, and please, stop living in this fantasy that things will always feel exactly like they did during that honeymoon phase at the start. That's ancient history... just focus on the relationship you're building right now😉

Joshua Patel6 said:Unbelievable... It is always the exact same narrative. It’s always the woman who is supposedly "wrong," the one who needs to evolve, and the one tasked with making everyone else happy.
Honestly, what a collection of tired clichés you just tossed out there, specifically 🙄
In any healthy dynamic, people need to cooperate and put in mutual effort to sustain their connection. Suggesting that everything hinges on just one person—most often the woman—is nothing short of a massive 👎

What kind of environment is she supposed to be "fixing" here? From what I can see, she's the only unhappy person in this entire scenario.

What Jeremy Fowler45 wrote isn't just empty platitudes; it’s actually based on life experience, which seems to be something you haven't quite encountered yet. If the author manages to build up her own self-confidence, she’ll start by helping herself first, and once that happens, the people around her will naturally react differently to her presence.

And as for whether she lacks confidence because of how her husband acts, or if he acts that way because she lacks confidence... well, that's a bit of a chicken-and-egg situation that could go on forever.

Joshua Patel6 said:Unbelievable... It is always the exact same narrative. It’s always the woman who is supposedly "wrong," the one who needs to evolve, and the one tasked with making everyone else happy.
Honestly, what a collection of tired clichés you just tossed out there, specifically 🙄
In any healthy dynamic, people need to cooperate and put in mutual effort to sustain their connection. Suggesting that everything hinges on just one person—most often the woman—is nothing short of a massive 👎

I'm with you. That's exactly how it feels to me. If I want what I need, then I should be the one doing the changing, because honestly, what I'm getting right now isn't it. The person who fell into this cycle of indifference shouldn't be the only one adjusting; I should be.
But let's be real, we both need to change, which is what we agreed on during an honest, open talk where he admitted he loves me. But the moment my more explosive side comes out, he just pulls away and never takes the initiative to actually fix things.
And that constant need to adjust casts a shadow over everything. Maybe I am being immature when it comes to love, but does it really make sense to put in all this effort, constant self-regulation, and endless self-correction just so I can exist in harmony with someone else??
Because I can do all that, but there's this doubt eating at me. I can't just be satisfied with someone trying to maintain a decent and "okay" relationship with me. I want more than that. After X years of living together, I want passion, I want feelings, I want to feel special..

I don't know... I'm just confused...

Joshua Patel6 said:Actually, what you are truly seeking is more affection, more validation, and more emotional presence from his side. That is just who you are at your core; those are your fundamental needs within a partnership. You cannot fundamentally "change" your essence, though you can certainly attempt to suppress your feelings or exercise self-control. There will be times when you manage it quite effectively, and other times—perhaps during particularly vulnerable periods of your life—where you might find it much harder to maintain that composure.
It can be incredibly taxing, this imbalance in how two people communicate. To give you some perspective, I once ended a long-term relationship where the primary issue was exactly this: his passivity and his tendency to withdraw whenever things got difficult.
If I were to offer any advice, it would be to gradually build a fulfilling life for yourself—one where his absence wouldn't leave such a massive void—but then one must ask: if you reach that point, what purpose does the relationship serve? You are going to have to find a compromise or a specific modus operandi, because breaking up when you are just dating is a world away from ending a marriage involving children. If you were merely dating, I would tell you to go find happiness elsewhere, with someone who can meet you on that vital emotional level. But since there is more at stake here, you really must weigh the pros and cons very carefully.

I'm really sorry to hear about the breakup. How are you feeling now that it's over? Have you felt a sense of relief or like you've come back to life? Is it better to be alone and free, or to be with someone and still feel lonely? (Because honestly, that's how I often feel...)

northerncobra27 said:What kind of environment is she supposed to be "fixing" here? From what I can see, she's the only unhappy person in this entire scenario.

What Jeremy Fowler45 wrote isn't just empty platitudes; it’s actually based on life experience, which seems to be something you haven't quite encountered yet. If the author manages to build up her own self-confidence, she’ll start by helping herself first, and once that happens, the people around her will naturally react differently to her presence.

And as for whether she lacks confidence because of how her husband acts, or if he acts that way because she lacks confidence... well, that's a bit of a chicken-and-egg situation that could go on forever.

I kind of see where that's coming from too. Self-confidence matters. People who carry themselves with confidence radiate that energy, which makes them more attractive to everyone else. That includes her own husband, most likely.😉

northerncobra27 said:What kind of environment is she supposed to be "fixing" here? From what I can see, she's the only unhappy person in this entire scenario.

What Jeremy Fowler45 wrote isn't just empty platitudes; it’s actually based on life experience, which seems to be something you haven't quite encountered yet. If the author manages to build up her own self-confidence, she’ll start by helping herself first, and once that happens, the people around her will naturally react differently to her presence.

And as for whether she lacks confidence because of how her husband acts, or if he acts that way because she lacks confidence... well, that's a bit of a chicken-and-egg situation that could go on forever.

The fundamental issue here is that we are expecting a transformation from someone who feels they have very legitimate reasons to be concerned.
She has real doubts about their relationship, which has fundamentally shifted over the years; there is a palpable lack of communication, intimacy, and tenderness.
So, how is it that *she* is suddenly the one tasked with changing and building up her self-esteem?
If those basic emotional needs were being met, she wouldn't be struggling with her confidence in the first place.
When someone is struggling, it might actually stem from objective circumstances rather than an internal flaw within the person themselves.
For instance, if your spouse simply doesn't love you anymore, or you sense something is deeply wrong and you can't tell if you're just imagining it or if it's the cold, hard truth...
What does that have to do with self-confidence? Isn't it perfectly normal to feel somewhat unhappy when you aren't receiving what you fundamentally need from a relationship?

driftingridge6 said:I'm with you. That's exactly how it feels to me. If I want what I need, then I should be the one doing the changing, because honestly, what I'm getting right now isn't it. The person who fell into this cycle of indifference shouldn't be the only one adjusting; I should be.
But let's be real, we both need to change, which is what we agreed on during an honest, open talk where he admitted he loves me. But the moment my more explosive side comes out, he just pulls away and never takes the initiative to actually fix things.
And that constant need to adjust casts a shadow over everything. Maybe I am being immature when it comes to love, but does it really make sense to put in all this effort, constant self-regulation, and endless self-correction just so I can exist in harmony with someone else??
Because I can do all that, but there's this doubt eating at me. I can't just be satisfied with someone trying to maintain a decent and "okay" relationship with me. I want more than that. After X years of living together, I want passion, I want feelings, I want to feel special..

I don't know... I'm just confused...

Look, you really need to pull back a little regarding those expectations. Every relationship and marriage eventually settles into calmer waters.
Friendship and mutual respect are far more valuable in the long run than raw passion. You can't expect that volcanic eruption of feelings you felt at the very beginning forever. Everything settles down over time, and frankly, it’s supposed to be that way. A relationship where intense passion still reigns supreme after XX years is usually a relationship with XX problems.
Maybe it’s time to re-evaluate your priorities. Having a husband who is cold and distant is certainly an issue, but a husband who simply needs his own peace and personal space at certain points in the day is just
a normal person.
Try approaching him when things are calm and just talk. Or, honestly, just give him a hug for no reason at all.

driftingridge6 said:I'm really sorry to hear about the breakup. How are you feeling now that it's over? Have you felt a sense of relief or like you've come back to life? Is it better to be alone and free, or to be with someone and still feel lonely? (Because honestly, that's how I often feel...)

I don't feel any regret at all, 🙂
It happened many years ago, but even back then, I understood that there was no turning back. To my surprise, the heartache was far less intense than I had anticipated.
Everything was manageable, and in many ways, it felt like a fresh gust of wind at my back.
In my estimation, it is always better to stand alone than to remain in a partnership where you aren't receiving the essentials—namely, attention and intimacy. Of course, I mean within reasonable bounds, naturally.
We must never allow ourselves to become an endless void for someone else to pour into.

Joshua Patel6 said:The fundamental issue here is that we are expecting a transformation from someone who feels they have very legitimate reasons to be concerned.
She has real doubts about their relationship, which has fundamentally shifted over the years; there is a palpable lack of communication, intimacy, and tenderness.
So, how is it that *she* is suddenly the one tasked with changing and building up her self-esteem?
If those basic emotional needs were being met, she wouldn't be struggling with her confidence in the first place.
When someone is struggling, it might actually stem from objective circumstances rather than an internal flaw within the person themselves.
For instance, if your spouse simply doesn't love you anymore, or you sense something is deeply wrong and you can't tell if you're just imagining it or if it's the cold, hard truth...
What does that have to do with self-confidence? Isn't it perfectly normal to feel somewhat unhappy when you aren't receiving what you fundamentally need from a relationship?

And how on earth do you know he doesn't love her anymore? Did she actually ask him point-blank, or is she just reading into things?
Look, people in real, committed relationships don't necessarily say "I love you" every single hour, but you can certainly feel the absence of it, and if she isn't feeling it, it's clearly because she’s the more emotional one who requires affection and warmth, which he simply isn't providing.
It’s quite obvious from the very first post that she's struggling with her self-worth and constantly wondering if she's enough. It seems like he has become her entire world, which is never a healthy dynamic.
The problem is likely compounded by the fact that she spends so much time alone with the child, overanalyzing everything; then, when her husband finally walks through the door, she expects this massive outpouring of affection and validation, but he just isn't built that way, creating a total mismatch in emotional needs and her own sensitivity.