I'm not really happy with my headspace right now...

The last few months of this year haven't been entirely terrible. However, I find myself trapped in a constant cycle of doubt and anxiety. Beyond the fear of failure, there is an overwhelming amount of resentment, sadness, and bitterness regarding my own life and the choices I've made. Every day I head into this job, but it provides absolutely no
fulfillment; it brings no joy, just a repetitive loop of sitting in an office wondering why I am even here..

I have gone on several interviews to try and switch careers, but nothing I actually want is working out. Apparently, they won't take me without experience, or at least not until I finish my degree in college.
Everyone demands experience, yet nobody is willing to provide it or teach me. As for college, I am constantly questioning if I even want to finish it, if I can, or if I can't. I doubt my own abilities and potential, despite being quite intelligent—I certainly have enough ego regarding my intellect—but does that matter if I lack ambition? I want to break free from a past that has haunted me for years, following me daily through my work, my coffee breaks, and even my dreams. I want to silence those voices in my head rather than just trying to muffle them; I want to replace them with peace, silence, or better words. I want that manic voice sending me suicidal thoughts to simply vanish, so that I might actually enjoy this second chance at life.

No matter how much I question the education system, I know I don't want to work for a measly $3,000 a year. I plan to move abroad. I want to live without constantly overanalyzing everything or philosophizing about every single question. I want to enjoy people's company instead of running away the moment they speak. I need to shed this hatred and dissatisfaction, just accept this damn education and finally finish this stupid degree... I don't know how to motivate myself or clear my head of these intrusive, suicidal thoughts. My only motivation on the drive home is the sheer dissatisfaction with my job. When I get home, it's just cigarettes and music, living in an illusion of what reality could be. I feed myself a life that only exists in my mind. There is so much I cannot forgive, forget, or leave behind, and by holding onto it, I am letting it drag me down when I could simply let go and be free. I cling to things that are utterly useless. Perfectionism is driving me mad. By obsessing over the future and ruminating on the past, I ignore the present. I am searching for something I feel I may have lost forever, something left in the rearview mirror. But that is tied to one specific person, and I am terrified of failing them again because they mean everything to me..

I want to let go of "everything" I am afraid of losing, yet there is so much I refuse to lose. I need to get my chaotic head in order; I am 25 years old now, and I don't know.
This weekend, I am heading to the coast to try and pull myself together, to reflect, and to attempt to find some sense of purpose, will, or the ambition to live the life I dream of. Next weekend, I am traveling somewhere outside of the US, just to get away from everyone and everything. I want to go somewhere where nobody knows me. I want to return to who I used to be and stop dragging the past behind me like a weight. I need to stop punishing myself for things that can no longer be changed, and stop dwelling on the idea that it would be better if I weren't here—that isn't mature or healthy thinking. I need to step out of this box that exists only in my imagination.

I know I am capable of more, that I deserve more. I want to believe that I wasn't born for small things. But this doubt, fear, and anxiety act like a blindfold, obscuring everything important. This cycle feels like a tunnel with no light at the end. I know I cannot continue living like this; I don't want to. I want to find motivation and shake off everything that keeps me stuck in a fog. It is a paradox: I want to be happy, but then I immediately start thinking about the very things that plunge me back into depression... :S

Morgan Campbell4 said:The last few months of this year haven't been entirely terrible. However, I find myself trapped in a constant cycle of doubt and anxiety. Beyond the fear of failure, there is an overwhelming amount of resentment, sadness, and bitterness regarding my own life and the choices I've made. Every day I head into this job, but it provides absolutely no
fulfillment; it brings no joy, just a repetitive loop of sitting in an office wondering why I am even here..

I have gone on several interviews to try and switch careers, but nothing I actually want is working out. Apparently, they won't take me without experience, or at least not until I finish my degree in college.
Everyone demands experience, yet nobody is willing to provide it or teach me. As for college, I am constantly questioning if I even want to finish it, if I can, or if I can't. I doubt my own abilities and potential, despite being quite intelligent—I certainly have enough ego regarding my intellect—but does that matter if I lack ambition? I want to break free from a past that has haunted me for years, following me daily through my work, my coffee breaks, and even my dreams. I want to silence those voices in my head rather than just trying to muffle them; I want to replace them with peace, silence, or better words. I want that manic voice sending me suicidal thoughts to simply vanish, so that I might actually enjoy this second chance at life.

No matter how much I question the education system, I know I don't want to work for a measly $3,000 a year. I plan to move abroad. I want to live without constantly overanalyzing everything or philosophizing about every single question. I want to enjoy people's company instead of running away the moment they speak. I need to shed this hatred and dissatisfaction, just accept this damn education and finally finish this stupid degree... I don't know how to motivate myself or clear my head of these intrusive, suicidal thoughts. My only motivation on the drive home is the sheer dissatisfaction with my job. When I get home, it's just cigarettes and music, living in an illusion of what reality could be. I feed myself a life that only exists in my mind. There is so much I cannot forgive, forget, or leave behind, and by holding onto it, I am letting it drag me down when I could simply let go and be free. I cling to things that are utterly useless. Perfectionism is driving me mad. By obsessing over the future and ruminating on the past, I ignore the present. I am searching for something I feel I may have lost forever, something left in the rearview mirror. But that is tied to one specific person, and I am terrified of failing them again because they mean everything to me..

I want to let go of "everything" I am afraid of losing, yet there is so much I refuse to lose. I need to get my chaotic head in order; I am 25 years old now, and I don't know.
This weekend, I am heading to the coast to try and pull myself together, to reflect, and to attempt to find some sense of purpose, will, or the ambition to live the life I dream of. Next weekend, I am traveling somewhere outside of the US, just to get away from everyone and everything. I want to go somewhere where nobody knows me. I want to return to who I used to be and stop dragging the past behind me like a weight. I need to stop punishing myself for things that can no longer be changed, and stop dwelling on the idea that it would be better if I weren't here—that isn't mature or healthy thinking. I need to step out of this box that exists only in my imagination.

I know I am capable of more, that I deserve more. I want to believe that I wasn't born for small things. But this doubt, fear, and anxiety act like a blindfold, obscuring everything important. This cycle feels like a tunnel with no light at the end. I know I cannot continue living like this; I don't want to. I want to find motivation and shake off everything that keeps me stuck in a fog. It is a paradox: I want to be happy, but then I immediately start thinking about the very things that plunge me back into depression... :S

Personally, I wouldn't suggest heading to the beach right now; if I were in your shoes, I certainly wouldn't make such a move. It might be a good time to prioritize your mental well-being by seeking out some professional support—perhaps reaching out to a therapist or a psychiatrist to walk them through everything you're currently experiencing.

It sounds like life is feeling incredibly heavy and exhausting for you lately. I can certainly empathize, as I’ll likely be managing medications for my own health issues for the rest of my life; even now, at nearly 25 years old, I'm already taking close to ten different prescriptions. It was an absolute uphill battle just to finish my degree, and now, working as an engineer for a starting salary of around $3,000 a month... well, it isn't exactly the dream job, but finding steady work in this economy is difficult enough, and I have to cover my bills and basic necessities somehow. On top of that, I still have to complete an internship, and then wait another two or three years to pass my professional certification before I'm even fully recognized in my field—all while hoping my health doesn't take another turn for the worse and land me back in the hospital.

The point I'm trying to make is that when things truly become overwhelming, rather than searching for someone or something to blame for your misfortunes, it's better to take proactive steps toward finding a solution. Nothing is ever easy, but we really have to keep moving forward.

I honestly think most people are just held back by their own habits, because let’s face it—breaking old patterns is incredibly tough.

Morgan Campbell4, get moving and clear the path. Stop sitting around waiting for the perfect moment to actually start living your life, because those who wait end up chasing nothing but shadows. The right time to take action is right now, this very second. Now, don't get me wrong—I'm not saying you should fly around like a headless chicken without any plan or purpose, wasting your energy on nonsense. What I mean is that you need to pull yourself together, gather your strength, tap into your own power, and just start making moves. Don't wait for anyone, and certainly don't wait for anything.

Morgan Campbell4 said:The last few months of this year haven't been entirely terrible. However, I find myself trapped in a constant cycle of doubt and anxiety. Beyond the fear of failure, there is an overwhelming amount of resentment, sadness, and bitterness regarding my own life and the choices I've made. Every day I head into this job, but it provides absolutely no
fulfillment; it brings no joy, just a repetitive loop of sitting in an office wondering why I am even here..

I have gone on several interviews to try and switch careers, but nothing I actually want is working out. Apparently, they won't take me without experience, or at least not until I finish my degree in college.
Everyone demands experience, yet nobody is willing to provide it or teach me. As for college, I am constantly questioning if I even want to finish it, if I can, or if I can't. I doubt my own abilities and potential, despite being quite intelligent—I certainly have enough ego regarding my intellect—but does that matter if I lack ambition? I want to break free from a past that has haunted me for years, following me daily through my work, my coffee breaks, and even my dreams. I want to silence those voices in my head rather than just trying to muffle them; I want to replace them with peace, silence, or better words. I want that manic voice sending me suicidal thoughts to simply vanish, so that I might actually enjoy this second chance at life.

No matter how much I question the education system, I know I don't want to work for a measly $3,000 a year. I plan to move abroad. I want to live without constantly overanalyzing everything or philosophizing about every single question. I want to enjoy people's company instead of running away the moment they speak. I need to shed this hatred and dissatisfaction, just accept this damn education and finally finish this stupid degree... I don't know how to motivate myself or clear my head of these intrusive, suicidal thoughts. My only motivation on the drive home is the sheer dissatisfaction with my job. When I get home, it's just cigarettes and music, living in an illusion of what reality could be. I feed myself a life that only exists in my mind. There is so much I cannot forgive, forget, or leave behind, and by holding onto it, I am letting it drag me down when I could simply let go and be free. I cling to things that are utterly useless. Perfectionism is driving me mad. By obsessing over the future and ruminating on the past, I ignore the present. I am searching for something I feel I may have lost forever, something left in the rearview mirror. But that is tied to one specific person, and I am terrified of failing them again because they mean everything to me..

I want to let go of "everything" I am afraid of losing, yet there is so much I refuse to lose. I need to get my chaotic head in order; I am 25 years old now, and I don't know.
This weekend, I am heading to the coast to try and pull myself together, to reflect, and to attempt to find some sense of purpose, will, or the ambition to live the life I dream of. Next weekend, I am traveling somewhere outside of the US, just to get away from everyone and everything. I want to go somewhere where nobody knows me. I want to return to who I used to be and stop dragging the past behind me like a weight. I need to stop punishing myself for things that can no longer be changed, and stop dwelling on the idea that it would be better if I weren't here—that isn't mature or healthy thinking. I need to step out of this box that exists only in my imagination.

I know I am capable of more, that I deserve more. I want to believe that I wasn't born for small things. But this doubt, fear, and anxiety act like a blindfold, obscuring everything important. This cycle feels like a tunnel with no light at the end. I know I cannot continue living like this; I don't want to. I want to find motivation and shake off everything that keeps me stuck in a fog. It is a paradox: I want to be happy, but then I immediately start thinking about the very things that plunge me back into depression... :S

Honestly, you're overthinking things so much that you’ve lost sight of the big picture... you can't see the forest for the trees.
In reality, you aren't even below average—you're just like most people in America right now, stuck grinding away for peanuts until a better opportunity finally shows up. You're healthy, you're finishing up college, and I'm pretty sure there isn't much left in terms of major life hurdles holding you back.

The real issue here is you. It starts with this obsessive way of thinking about everything, which really just stems from fear and insecurity, driving you straight into perfectionism. You build these illusions of what life "should" be, then spiral when they inevitably fall apart... it makes you feel worthless, like you're living in your own personal prison—or hell, really.

Between the crushing weight of perfectionism and that terrifying fear of what happens if you let go (you described that part perfectly in your post), you're basically tripping yourself up constantly. You don't give yourself permission to just chill and live in the moment without some rigid master plan. And man, that’s huge—without that, you're never gonna beat those demons. People tell you to work out, run, stay busy... they say that because it forces you to stop obsessing over yourself. It lets you just *be* and accept life for what it is, which definitely helps. You should try to live like that 24/7.
We all need to find our own way to unwind and face reality without tying our self-worth to how the day went—like, "if today was good, I'm awesome; if today sucked, I'm a total loser and a failure."
You're being your own worst enemy... digging your own grave and tearing yourself down by building these impossible, perfect plans and then feeling defeated when they don't pan out.

My advice? Just look at all those problems weighing you down and say, "Screw it, I don't give a damn," and just try to relax. Nothing bad is actually going to happen. Once you're actually in a relaxed headspace, *then* try to make some plans and stick to them. If it doesn't work out, don't beat yourself up—just let it go and pivot. Life never goes exactly the way we map it out, you gotta accept that. And trust me, you'll land a better job, feel more satisfied, and be a lot happier.

Well, things are looking up slightly... college is finally winding down, though it should have been finished ages ago. I managed to pull through, I suppose. Now, finals are coming up in September; just the thought of sitting for those exams gives me a headache. My father struggles with bipolar disorder, and honestly, everything feels like too much right now. Especially my own head. But I’m pushing through somehow...

I can't seem to shake this perfectionism and OCD. The other day, I was talking to a friend who mentioned she needed to clean her apartment but couldn't find the energy; I decided to offer some "motivation" by sending her a photo of my own room. Naturally, she just joked, "You're sick, haha." Thanks. I agree—I am never relaxed. My mind is never quiet. There are constant questions and endless analyses running through my head that drive me toward insanity...

I've tried everything. The gym, hiking through the woods, walking, running... I don't know anymore. Nothing motivates me; nothing brings me joy. That's why I'm getting out of here this weekend and the next. I'm going to get lost just so I can find myself. I know that despite all the doubt and lack of willpower, I want to finish this degree and pursue programming. But then there's the reality check: I'm already 25 years old with zero professional experience under my belt.

I hear you, Steven Lopez77, but why do you think I haven't seen a psychiatrist yet? What can I say? I already told you how much everything has fallen apart since my MDMA episode...

It's true, Carl Rivera43. I agree with you completely...

Ah, I'm trying, Andrew Doyle. I don't know; I'm constantly overthinking things without even knowing why. I am simply waiting for one specific person. She is the only one who has earned that privilege, and I will wait for her as long as necessary... But college, this damn college... and the decisions I have to make. I don't know if the next two weekends will be about finding myself or losing what's left of me. :S

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I’d also say that when we're young, we all have these big dreams of a glittering future—planning out this perfect life, convinced we’re special and destined for "something bigger." And hey, some people actually are. But for the rest of us who haven't hit that mark? We probably need to take a second to audit our life plans and dial back the expectations a bit, just so constant dissatisfaction doesn't eat us alive. At the end of the day, you realize happiness is really found in the little things. Some days that’s easy to wrap your head around, other days it’s a struggle, but what can you do? You just keep moving. 😬

Editor: Have a great time at the beach—try to actually relax. The ocean always does the trick for me.

What if I have spent my entire life dreaming of becoming something more than what society dictates as an "average" existence? What if I am actually striving for something greater?

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Well, look, you've definitely got enough time to make that happen

Morgan Campbell4 said:Well, things are looking up slightly... college is finally winding down, though it should have been finished ages ago. I managed to pull through, I suppose. Now, finals are coming up in September; just the thought of sitting for those exams gives me a headache. My father struggles with bipolar disorder, and honestly, everything feels like too much right now. Especially my own head. But I’m pushing through somehow...

I can't seem to shake this perfectionism and OCD. The other day, I was talking to a friend who mentioned she needed to clean her apartment but couldn't find the energy; I decided to offer some "motivation" by sending her a photo of my own room. Naturally, she just joked, "You're sick, haha." Thanks. I agree—I am never relaxed. My mind is never quiet. There are constant questions and endless analyses running through my head that drive me toward insanity...

I've tried everything. The gym, hiking through the woods, walking, running... I don't know anymore. Nothing motivates me; nothing brings me joy. That's why I'm getting out of here this weekend and the next. I'm going to get lost just so I can find myself. I know that despite all the doubt and lack of willpower, I want to finish this degree and pursue programming. But then there's the reality check: I'm already 25 years old with zero professional experience under my belt.

I hear you, Steven Lopez77, but why do you think I haven't seen a psychiatrist yet? What can I say? I already told you how much everything has fallen apart since my MDMA episode...

It's true, Carl Rivera43. I agree with you completely...

Ah, I'm trying, Andrew Doyle. I don't know; I'm constantly overthinking things without even knowing why. I am simply waiting for one specific person. She is the only one who has earned that privilege, and I will wait for her as long as necessary... But college, this damn college... and the decisions I have to make. I don't know if the next two weekends will be about finding myself or losing what's left of me. :S

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Been hearing a lot of this lately during my therapy sessions... It seems like everyone’s dealing with the exact same thing—this obsessive need to cling to some grand illusion of being perfect or "larger than life." It's like people genuinely feel like their whole world will just crumble if they ever admit to being totally average. But honestly? Accepting that you're just ordinary... that's actually the only way to heal...
Man, you’re just a regular guy—honestly, I don't think you could be any more mid if you tried. You're healthy, you're grinding through college, you aren't exactly pulling in a massive paycheck yet, and you're living in some tiny apartment... just dreaming about making it big and finding that happiness like 90% of people our age...
You're just... alright, I guess...
Just totally average...
Does it make you feel any better knowing I'm just pretty average too...?
Honestly, my obsessions haven't really crushed me lately—mostly because I finally just accepted that being average isn't actually a bad thing. It’s just... life, you know? It's you, it's me, it's all of us...
Just don't forget—what actually sets you apart from everyone else is your own gut feeling... your experiences, what you want out of life, your vision, your faith, and those ideals you hold dear...
That's just yours—it’s one of a kind... and it stays yours no matter what happens. Even when you're pulling in three times the salary you make now, just chilling somewhere with a beer in hand, talking to your girl, or hanging out with your kids... it'll still be yours...

You’re just terrified that you aren't actually anything special—like, that being "average" makes you a failure or a total wash... and that you'll stay stuck like that unless you finally go out and crush some massive goal...
Look, Illusion, you’re already there—you really are. You just need to chill out and actually let yourself enjoy who you are right now, without feeling like you have to perform or be someone else just to feel worthy or in control of your life. Just relax... try to show yourself a little more love and embrace everything that makes you, you. Don't sweat it, though—everything is under control. Whatever life throws your way is just a temporary hiccup, and things will settle back into a normal rhythm eventually. People get through stuff, we all do... we just adapt...

Donna White50 said:Been hearing a lot of this lately during my therapy sessions... It seems like everyone’s dealing with the exact same thing—this obsessive need to cling to some grand illusion of being perfect or "larger than life." It's like people genuinely feel like their whole world will just crumble if they ever admit to being totally average. But honestly? Accepting that you're just ordinary... that's actually the only way to heal...
Man, you’re just a regular guy—honestly, I don't think you could be any more mid if you tried. You're healthy, you're grinding through college, you aren't exactly pulling in a massive paycheck yet, and you're living in some tiny apartment... just dreaming about making it big and finding that happiness like 90% of people our age...
You're just... alright, I guess...
Just totally average...
Does it make you feel any better knowing I'm just pretty average too...?
Honestly, my obsessions haven't really crushed me lately—mostly because I finally just accepted that being average isn't actually a bad thing. It’s just... life, you know? It's you, it's me, it's all of us...
Just don't forget—what actually sets you apart from everyone else is your own gut feeling... your experiences, what you want out of life, your vision, your faith, and those ideals you hold dear...
That's just yours—it’s one of a kind... and it stays yours no matter what happens. Even when you're pulling in three times the salary you make now, just chilling somewhere with a beer in hand, talking to your girl, or hanging out with your kids... it'll still be yours...

You’re just terrified that you aren't actually anything special—like, that being "average" makes you a failure or a total wash... and that you'll stay stuck like that unless you finally go out and crush some massive goal...
Look, Illusion, you’re already there—you really are. You just need to chill out and actually let yourself enjoy who you are right now, without feeling like you have to perform or be someone else just to feel worthy or in control of your life. Just relax... try to show yourself a little more love and embrace everything that makes you, you. Don't sweat it, though—everything is under control. Whatever life throws your way is just a temporary hiccup, and things will settle back into a normal rhythm eventually. People get through stuff, we all do... we just adapt...

Gosh, I feel like I just have to publicly thank you for posting this! Seriously, I don't think I've ever read anything more helpful on this entire forum, or anything more liberating, for that matter! (I mean, I always used to think psychotherapy was such a joke, but after reading your post, I'm starting to think maybe it isn't so bad after all 🙂

Morgan Campbell4 - Is there one specific moment from your past that keeps haunting you, or has everything just kind of piled up all at once until it felt like too much?

Morgan Campbell4 said:What if I have spent my entire life dreaming of becoming something more than what society dictates as an "average" existence? What if I am actually striving for something greater?

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We all thought that when we were younger. Honestly, even now, I still let myself daydream about it—though I'm realistic enough to know it's often just that, a daydream. I give myself the space to think that maybe I'm not just average, or that there's still time to do something unique—but I refuse to get depressed if it doesn't pan out. To be totally blunt, I really don't feel like putting in the sheer time and energy required to be "different" than I am right now. (And I'm not talking about the energy needed to work on my mental health—that's different. I mean things like grinding for a higher salary, being more social, or starting new projects I know I'm capable of.) At the end of the day, this is the real question you have to ask yourself: are you actually willing to put in the extra effort to become better than you are today?

There are so many people here I would personally love to meet and have a real conversation with... Sigh...

And please, don't push my buttons, Donna White50, Laughter... 😂 But regarding much of what you said, you aren't wrong... I want more; I know I am capable of more...

Is there any point? Do you bother people this much in your private life too? Laughter 😢

I want to keep control over my own destiny...
If putting in extra effort were easy, I'd be there. What I'm lacking is motivation—that inner certainty that I will actually succeed... Heh

Donna Doyle2, I have a PDF topic regarding health and nuts. Those are some of the things that trouble me. Actually, they trouble me quite deeply. 😞

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Morgan Campbell4 said:There are so many people here I would personally love to meet and have a real conversation with... Sigh...

And please, don't push my buttons, Donna White50, Laughter... 😂 But regarding much of what you said, you aren't wrong... I want more; I know I am capable of more...

Is there any point? Do you bother people this much in your private life too? Laughter 😢

I want to keep control over my own destiny...
If putting in extra effort were easy, I'd be there. What I'm lacking is motivation—that inner certainty that I will actually succeed... Heh

Donna Doyle2, I have a PDF topic regarding health and nuts. Those are some of the things that trouble me. Actually, they trouble me quite deeply. 😞

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But man, I totally screwed you over there, didn't mean to...
Look, nobody's stopping you from having big dreams and plans—we all have them. I mean, how would we even get out of bed if we didn't have something ahead of us pushing us forward...
But you gotta realize that desires and plans are basically just neat little mental constructs, nothing more. Real life usually finds a way to make sure things don't go exactly how we pictured them. You've gotta accept that—enjoy the daydreaming, but deal with reality as it comes.
Then again, who's saying you won't be making bank tomorrow and living that flashy, materialistic lifestyle you're aiming for? Nothing in life is impossible if you've got the vision and put in the work...
And once you finally hit that level of wealth, you'll probably realize you still have problems—they'll just be different kinds of problems. You'll still have to face yourself, or else that perfectionism of yours will just suffocate you for the rest of your life.
That's why I think it might be better for some people to just aim for "average" at the start—if something awesome happens, great, hey, it's a bonus and you can celebrate. But if you live like this, you're always going to be bummed because the universe didn't lay the cards exactly how you wanted... Honestly, the difference between a pessimist and an optimist is pretty trivial; it's all just perception, since reality stays the same regardless...

No, not quite... Laughter neonscout42 caught me off guard there. I’m not trying to be some materialistic snob, mind you. 😁 I just want the freedom to live a decent life and travel with someone who shares my passion for seeing the world... I'm fully aware of everything else, thank you. 😊

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Why? Look, if you're willing to put in that extra sweat equity, your chances of building something bigger—for yourself and beyond—actually go up. If your goal is just making enough to fund some travel, that’s honestly pretty doable. My own ambitions used to be way more intense—some were about the money, others were more about status (not even strictly about the cash). My only real advice is to have a Plan B ready. Don't let it crush you if Plan A falls through. Just find a new focus and keep moving.

Can you drop the link to that health thread? I can't seem to track it down myself.

I’ll give it my best shot... since this conversation isn't going anywhere anyway...

Here is the link regarding Wellness and the link for that other "issue" that’s been weighing on me, New Jersey, among everything else mentioned...

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