Why do people get so weird once they're in a relationship?

briskstag26 said:Look, once you get into a serious relationship, your priorities shift—that’s just how life works. It should be totally normal to find that sweet spot between being a couple and still making sure you don't lose yourself in the process. But if a buddy suddenly ghosts you the second they get a girlfriend, let's be real: you were never actually on their radar to begin with.

So, you're saying it's totally fine for a partner to suddenly become more important than your friends? Is that what you mean by "priorities shifting"? Because if that's the case, then the people who ditch you the moment they start dating are actually being more honest than the ones who keep hanging out with you while clearly not giving a damn anymore.
Plus, your last sentence completely contradicts your first one. If priorities change, it implies you *were* important to them before, but now you aren't, so they ditched you. But then you say they never cared in the first place... make up your mind.

fadedgull42 said:So, you're saying it's totally fine for a partner to suddenly become more important than your friends? Is that what you mean by "priorities shifting"? Because if that's the case, then the people who ditch you the moment they start dating are actually being more honest than the ones who keep hanging out with you while clearly not giving a damn anymore.
Plus, your last sentence completely contradicts your first one. If priorities change, it implies you *were* important to them before, but now you aren't, so they ditched you. But then you say they never cared in the first place... make up your mind.

No, what I'm saying is that a friend can't be equally vital before and during a relationship. Any actual friend should get that. Look, a day is still just 24 hours, and you've got this new person in your life—someone you might eventually build an entire family with. Honestly, comparing the importance of a friend to a partner is apples and oranges; they both matter, just in different ways. You just have to learn how to "handle" it when, say, both your partner and your buddy want to hang out on a Friday night.
If you actually give a shit about a friend, obviously you're going to try to keep them part of your life.

fadedgull42 said:So, you're saying it's totally fine for a partner to suddenly become more important than your friends? Is that what you mean by "priorities shifting"? Because if that's the case, then the people who ditch you the moment they start dating are actually being more honest than the ones who keep hanging out with you while clearly not giving a damn anymore.
Plus, your last sentence completely contradicts your first one. If priorities change, it implies you *were* important to them before, but now you aren't, so they ditched you. But then you say they never cared in the first place... make up your mind.

I wouldn't call it a contradiction, based on what I said earlier. Just because you aren't as available to a buddy as you used to be because you're busy with a girlfriend or boyfriend doesn't mean that friend should act like a spoiled brat about it.

Honestly, there are 24 hours in a day—plenty of time to get things done if you actually care. If you value someone, you can easily carve out an hour once a month for a quick coffee or a brief catch-up after work. It’s not like anyone is demanding you spend 24/7 glued to their side! These excuses just feel pathetic to me. Even being in a serious relationship hasn't stopped me from seeing my friends; I still make time to hang out and stay connected.

Then you have those people who just vanish completely. They go radio silent for months, sometimes even years, and then suddenly decide they want to be social again? They try to force themselves back into the lives of everyone they ignored. Where were those priorities before? There is a massive difference between being annoyed because someone missed one coffee date and being constantly sidelined. A true friend makes the effort to reach out as soon as possible rather than letting months slip by. In those cases, people have every right to be angry. Really, there shouldn't be any hard feelings—it’s just a simple matter of "you get what you give." If someone isn't making an effort, you move on and focus your energy on people who actually show up. I can't tell you how many times I've heard people wonder why nobody wants to deal with them anymore, all while failing to realize how poorly they treated everyone else in the first place.

silverhawk9 said:Honestly, there are 24 hours in a day—plenty of time to get things done if you actually care. If you value someone, you can easily carve out an hour once a month for a quick coffee or a brief catch-up after work. It’s not like anyone is demanding you spend 24/7 glued to their side! These excuses just feel pathetic to me. Even being in a serious relationship hasn't stopped me from seeing my friends; I still make time to hang out and stay connected.

Then you have those people who just vanish completely. They go radio silent for months, sometimes even years, and then suddenly decide they want to be social again? They try to force themselves back into the lives of everyone they ignored. Where were those priorities before? There is a massive difference between being annoyed because someone missed one coffee date and being constantly sidelined. A true friend makes the effort to reach out as soon as possible rather than letting months slip by. In those cases, people have every right to be angry. Really, there shouldn't be any hard feelings—it’s just a simple matter of "you get what you give." If someone isn't making an effort, you move on and focus your energy on people who actually show up. I can't tell you how many times I've heard people wonder why nobody wants to deal with them anymore, all while failing to realize how poorly they treated everyone else in the first place.

Preach.
The problem is those "friends" who act like nothing has changed and then throw a fit the second you say, "Sorry, I'm busy tomorrow night." In my book, those people aren't actually friends. Being possessive and selfish isn't what friendship is about.

briskstag26 said:No, what I'm saying is that a friend can't be equally vital before and during a relationship. Any actual friend should get that. Look, a day is still just 24 hours, and you've got this new person in your life—someone you might eventually build an entire family with. Honestly, comparing the importance of a friend to a partner is apples and oranges; they both matter, just in different ways. You just have to learn how to "handle" it when, say, both your partner and your buddy want to hang out on a Friday night.
If you actually give a shit about a friend, obviously you're going to try to keep them part of your life.

I wouldn't call it a contradiction, based on what I said earlier. Just because you aren't as available to a buddy as you used to be because you're busy with a girlfriend or boyfriend doesn't mean that friend should act like a spoiled brat about it.

From where I’m sitting, you’re just repeating yourself, insisting it's totally fine for a friend to take a backseat. Fine, speak for yourself. I don't think it's normal. And let’s be clear, I’m talking about actual friends here, not just some random acquaintances. I mean, when you pick a bridesmaid for your wedding, you call a best friend, right? You don't call your sister-in-law or your mother-in-law. 🙄

And it isn't even about how much time you spend together. I don't give a damn if she wants to spend Saturday night with him instead of me; that's not being "blown off." For me, being blown off is something much more subtle. You just feel it—you either matter to someone or you don't. There's no middle ground, no sliding scale. It's binary.

But women tend to be like this. They’ll say, "Of course the guy I might have kids with is more important than grabbing coffee with a buddy," while guys are like, "I'm not ditching my best friend for some girl." Men actually stay close and stick together.
So much for feminism, honestly—when it's the women themselves who don't value their own gender, acting like they aren't complete until they have a man by their side, at which point their female friends suddenly don't matter anymore.

Then there's the other possibility: your friend ditches *you* for a new crowd. That happened to me too. It was back when we were kids, done by the exact same "bestie" who ended up blowing me off for a boyfriend once we hit adulthood.😁 She doesn't talk to anyone from our old group and nobody invites her to high school reunions; she just completely ghosted everyone. Looking back, I realized it wasn't the first time she'd bailed on me, and honestly, it hit way harder when we were little.

fadedgull42 said:From where I’m sitting, you’re just repeating yourself, insisting it's totally fine for a friend to take a backseat. Fine, speak for yourself. I don't think it's normal. And let’s be clear, I’m talking about actual friends here, not just some random acquaintances. I mean, when you pick a bridesmaid for your wedding, you call a best friend, right? You don't call your sister-in-law or your mother-in-law. 🙄

And it isn't even about how much time you spend together. I don't give a damn if she wants to spend Saturday night with him instead of me; that's not being "blown off." For me, being blown off is something much more subtle. You just feel it—you either matter to someone or you don't. There's no middle ground, no sliding scale. It's binary.

But women tend to be like this. They’ll say, "Of course the guy I might have kids with is more important than grabbing coffee with a buddy," while guys are like, "I'm not ditching my best friend for some girl." Men actually stay close and stick together.
So much for feminism, honestly—when it's the women themselves who don't value their own gender, acting like they aren't complete until they have a man by their side, at which point their female friends suddenly don't matter anymore.

Then there's the other possibility: your friend ditches *you* for a new crowd. That happened to me too. It was back when we were kids, done by the exact same "bestie" who ended up blowing me off for a boyfriend once we hit adulthood.😁 She doesn't talk to anyone from our old group and nobody invites her to high school reunions; she just completely ghosted everyone. Looking back, I realized it wasn't the first time she'd bailed on me, and honestly, it hit way harder when we were little.

Look, I didn't say they become less important; I said you have to learn how to balance a relationship with your friends.

We’re coming at this from two different angles here. You're looking at it from the perspective where your friend "ditched" you for her boyfriend. I'm looking at it from the side where the guy was still acting like he was single even when he was with his buddies. Get it? We're coming from two total extremes. And thank God there's actually a middle ground out there somewhere.🙂

briskstag26 said:Look, I didn't say they become less important; I said you have to learn how to balance a relationship with your friends.

We’re coming at this from two different angles here. You're looking at it from the perspective where your friend "ditched" you for her boyfriend. I'm looking at it from the side where the guy was still acting like he was single even when he was with his buddies. Get it? We're coming from two total extremes. And thank God there's actually a middle ground out there somewhere.🙂

Can you walk me through that a bit more?

fadedgull42 said:Can you walk me through that a bit more?

The sentence pretty much speaks for itself. We aren't talking about grabbing a beer or catching a game with friends here. This is the kind of stuff I found out during my own physical exam. 👎 See what I mean by extreme?

briskstag26 said:The sentence pretty much speaks for itself. We aren't talking about grabbing a beer or catching a game with friends here. This is the kind of stuff I found out during my own physical exam. 👎 See what I mean by extreme?

By "extreme"... you mean yourself, right? Your own expectations, being possessive, trying to force some kind of symbiosis—for whatever questionable reason—with someone you don't even understand or truly know... 🍿

Andrew Doyle said:The last three posts have been deleted. If anything here rubs you the wrong way, just report the post using the little triangle icon.

I don't see why, honestly. I definitely wouldn't be clicking that report button over what basically amounts to half-baked psychoanalysis based on a single post. Besides, the takeaway from this little debate is pretty simple: it’s all about balance. People starting new relationships shouldn't totally ghost their inner circle, people in relationships need to actually respect their partner's needs, and friends should probably show some grace when someone's still figuring out how to juggle a new romance with their social life. That’s my two cents on the matter. Carry on!

briskstag26 said:Preach.
The problem is those "friends" who act like nothing has changed and then throw a fit the second you say, "Sorry, I'm busy tomorrow night." In my book, those people aren't actually friends. Being possessive and selfish isn't what friendship is about.

But I suspect the author—and most people in this thread—isn't actually talking about that. We’re talking about the people who just vanish. Personally, I've never once been upset when someone tells me they can't grab a coffee or hang out. Honestly? If they tell me they're overwhelmed with work or life, I'll be the one suggesting we reschedule for another time! That's not an issue at all. The real problem lies with the people you reach out to, only for them to say, "Yeah, I'll get back to you," and then... nothing. Silence. Six months pass without a word, and by that point, you don't even consider them friends anymore. But then, suddenly, they remember you exist and want to pick up right where you left off? That’s the crux of it. It’s about the lack of effort and the broken promises, not about someone being too busy for a single afternoon hangout.

Back in high school, I was basically going out for coffee every single day, but I'm not really the type of person who needs to be constantly surrounded by people or always initiating every call. Still, those types who completely ghost you? That feels incredibly rude to me. Especially when they resurface after ages acting like nothing happened. I mean, come on—friendship requires maintenance! You aren't obligated to hang out with anyone, obviously, but if you're going to disappear, why bother reaching out later? It just doesn't make sense to me.