Let's get real and focus on what actually matters

fadedmason4 said:I came across a comment on another thread recently—it basically said: accept that certain things just aren't going to happen, and start planning your life around that reality instead of waiting for some miracle to make them come true. I thought it was spot on, and honestly, I’m trying to follow that logic, but it’s proving much harder than it sounds. If anyone has any advice on how to actually do this—how to stop secretly hoping for those "what ifs" when I know deep down they won't happen (even if nothing in life is ever 100% certain, this feels like 99%)

So, if you have any tips on how to quit dwelling on the things I don't have and likely never will, and instead focus on what's actually useful and achievable
It's tough

You’ll get there eventually, whether you plan it out or not. It usually happens through sheer experience. There isn't some secret formula where you check off a list of requirements to make it happen. Honestly, the easiest way is just to hit rock bottom. And if you want to add a little extra spice to the whole ordeal... make it unexpected. Make it hurt as much as possible... 👍

fadedmason4 said:Those aren't exactly "huge" achievements from an average person's perspective—though they certainly feel that way to me. I suppose it's just hardwired into us, some sort of evolutionary drive or whatever—not that I'm an expert—but wanting a relationship like everyone else... well, for me, that feels like a mission impossible, mostly because I'm completely clueless when it comes to that stuff. I honestly feel like a bit of a biological glitch; I can't seem to find anyone for anything serious, and it's a tough reality to swallow.

Instead of just accepting that and enjoying the little things I *can* control, I end up spiraling into a depressive funk. It's not even that I sit around thinking about it—I stay busy. I love spending summer days biking around and then hitting up a local diner for some burgers, or heading to a nearby park for a beer, or even hitting the pool in the winter. Cooking a good meal, watching a movie, or just grabbing a drink outside when the weather's right—it's all great. But the moment I'm alone in bed, that same question creeps back in. It's hard to reconcile the fact that my life could be wonderful if only one thing were different.

It's pretty clear no one can fix this for me—unless maybe that bit in your signature actually works. I've thought about it quite a bit, but clearly, based on the fact that I'm even typing this, I don't quite have the nerve for it yet.

If you really think of yourself as a glitch in the system, then staying solo is probably your best bet. You might as well lean into evolution and just weed out the errors... lol

fadedmason4 said:Those aren't exactly "huge" achievements from an average person's perspective—though they certainly feel that way to me. I suppose it's just hardwired into us, some sort of evolutionary drive or whatever—not that I'm an expert—but wanting a relationship like everyone else... well, for me, that feels like a mission impossible, mostly because I'm completely clueless when it comes to that stuff. I honestly feel like a bit of a biological glitch; I can't seem to find anyone for anything serious, and it's a tough reality to swallow.

Instead of just accepting that and enjoying the little things I *can* control, I end up spiraling into a depressive funk. It's not even that I sit around thinking about it—I stay busy. I love spending summer days biking around and then hitting up a local diner for some burgers, or heading to a nearby park for a beer, or even hitting the pool in the winter. Cooking a good meal, watching a movie, or just grabbing a drink outside when the weather's right—it's all great. But the moment I'm alone in bed, that same question creeps back in. It's hard to reconcile the fact that my life could be wonderful if only one thing were different.

It's pretty clear no one can fix this for me—unless maybe that bit in your signature actually works. I've thought about it quite a bit, but clearly, based on the fact that I'm even typing this, I don't quite have the nerve for it yet.

There are those who simply can't ride a bike because they lack the arms, or the legs... or maybe they just don't own a bike. Et cetera...

fadedmason4 said:I don't need an explanation—I see it clearly, even when it's my own reflection in the mirror. Between the clumsiness, my tendency to be incredibly uncoordinated, and... well, let's just say my intellect isn't exactly groundbreaking—it's a struggle. My sense of direction is basically non-existent, and driving a car feels like a massive challenge; it's just a perfect example of how I can fail at basic tasks that most people breeze through on a good day.

You can’t really get an honest look at who you actually are if you’re so hyper-focused on your flaws that you completely miss your own strengths. Honestly, intelligence is overrated. Don't make it your entire identity. You list things like orientation, coordination, and being clumsy... yet you mention you ride a bike. If that's the case, you aren't nearly as uncoordinated as you think you are...

fadedmason4 said:So, what am I supposed to do? Just because someone else has it worse—which, let's face it, they always do—doesn't mean my own struggles aren't real.

I live in America, not Africa, so I’m really just talking about what's happening in my own backyard—not that I'm trying to play the victim or claim my issues don't matter compared to folks in Japan or South Korea.

If you take out the word "issue," the whole sentence changes meaning entirely. 🤣

@Jeffrey Ramos4! What an absolute disaster of a post! I’ve got to hand it to you—truly impressive. You clearly graduated from the Sherlock Holmes school of logic. 👍😎👋

fadedmason4 said:I came across a comment on another thread recently—it basically said: accept that certain things just aren't going to happen, and start planning your life around that reality instead of waiting for some miracle to make them come true. I thought it was spot on, and honestly, I’m trying to follow that logic, but it’s proving much harder than it sounds. If anyone has any advice on how to actually do this—how to stop secretly hoping for those "what ifs" when I know deep down they won't happen (even if nothing in life is ever 100% certain, this feels like 99%)

So, if you have any tips on how to quit dwelling on the things I don't have and likely never will, and instead focus on what's actually useful and achievable
It's tough

It might be worth weighing whether we're talking about things that are objectively out of reach, or if this is just that internal noise—you know, that feeling of inadequacy or low self-esteem playing tricks on you.
You can't really untangle that alone... we tend to build our own mental roadblocks just to stay safe. It’d probably help to grab a coffee and talk it through with someone close to you who actually knows what makes you tick.

Jeffrey Ramos4 said:You’ll get there eventually, whether you plan it out or not. It usually happens through sheer experience. There isn't some secret formula where you check off a list of requirements to make it happen. Honestly, the easiest way is just to hit rock bottom. And if you want to add a little extra spice to the whole ordeal... make it unexpected. Make it hurt as much as possible... 👍

If you really think of yourself as a glitch in the system, then staying solo is probably your best bet. You might as well lean into evolution and just weed out the errors... lol

There are those who simply can't ride a bike because they lack the arms, or the legs... or maybe they just don't own a bike. Et cetera...

You can’t really get an honest look at who you actually are if you’re so hyper-focused on your flaws that you completely miss your own strengths. Honestly, intelligence is overrated. Don't make it your entire identity. You list things like orientation, coordination, and being clumsy... yet you mention you ride a bike. If that's the case, you aren't nearly as uncoordinated as you think you are...

If you take out the word "issue," the whole sentence changes meaning entirely. 🤣

Post of the year! 🤣🤣🤣👍👍👍

Jeffrey Ramos4 said:You’ll get there eventually, whether you plan it out or not. It usually happens through sheer experience. There isn't some secret formula where you check off a list of requirements to make it happen. Honestly, the easiest way is just to hit rock bottom. And if you want to add a little extra spice to the whole ordeal... make it unexpected. Make it hurt as much as possible... 👍

If you really think of yourself as a glitch in the system, then staying solo is probably your best bet. You might as well lean into evolution and just weed out the errors... lol

There are those who simply can't ride a bike because they lack the arms, or the legs... or maybe they just don't own a bike. Et cetera...

You can’t really get an honest look at who you actually are if you’re so hyper-focused on your flaws that you completely miss your own strengths. Honestly, intelligence is overrated. Don't make it your entire identity. You list things like orientation, coordination, and being clumsy... yet you mention you ride a bike. If that's the case, you aren't nearly as uncoordinated as you think you are...

If you take out the word "issue," the whole sentence changes meaning entirely. 🤣

Maybe that actually is the only real solution.

That's one way to answer it—though there's someone out there in an even worse spot.

Intelligence does help with work—not directly, necessarily—but it makes you much more attractive to the opposite sex if you've got it.
Riding a bike is easier than driving a car; you just sit down and pedal. It isn't exactly rocket science.

That last part 🤣, good 😁

Jonathan Hayes said:It might be worth weighing whether we're talking about things that are objectively out of reach, or if this is just that internal noise—you know, that feeling of inadequacy or low self-esteem playing tricks on you.
You can't really untangle that alone... we tend to build our own mental roadblocks just to stay safe. It’d probably help to grab a coffee and talk it through with someone close to you who actually knows what makes you tick.

Truthfully, not many people actually know the real me—if they did, they probably wouldn't bother hanging out with me anyway—so most people only see one small slice of my personality. As for those who *do* know me... well, I don't like talking about that, which is exactly why I write on this forum; having to face those conversations in person would be exhausting.

I’ve tried opening up a few times, but usually only after I’ve completely hit a breaking point—it’s like trying to pour water into a bottle that's already full, and everything just spills over once the pressure builds up. And even when I finally let it all out, people tend to push back—they tell me I'm wrong, or "that's not how it is," or they try to argue their side against mine—and honestly, my head isn't always the clearest. Still, I don't want to bore everyone with my issues; I realize nobody can take my burdens upon themselves or magically fix me overnight. Luckily, most of my meltdowns happened around people who aren't part of my usual social circle, so there was no risk of the drama spreading—poor guy that I am.

fadedmason4 said:Truthfully, not many people actually know the real me—if they did, they probably wouldn't bother hanging out with me anyway—so most people only see one small slice of my personality. As for those who *do* know me... well, I don't like talking about that, which is exactly why I write on this forum; having to face those conversations in person would be exhausting.

I’ve tried opening up a few times, but usually only after I’ve completely hit a breaking point—it’s like trying to pour water into a bottle that's already full, and everything just spills over once the pressure builds up. And even when I finally let it all out, people tend to push back—they tell me I'm wrong, or "that's not how it is," or they try to argue their side against mine—and honestly, my head isn't always the clearest. Still, I don't want to bore everyone with my issues; I realize nobody can take my burdens upon themselves or magically fix me overnight. Luckily, most of my meltdowns happened around people who aren't part of my usual social circle, so there was no risk of the drama spreading—poor guy that I am.

Alright, you covered all the bases there. You've got a self-esteem issue. Once you get a handle on that, hitting your goals and making plans will be a lot easier... 😉 When people pick up on the fact that you're ashamed of who you are, it makes things pretty awkward for them too.

Jonathan Hayes said:Alright, you covered all the bases there. You've got a self-esteem issue. Once you get a handle on that, hitting your goals and making plans will be a lot easier... 😉 When people pick up on the fact that you're ashamed of who you are, it makes things pretty awkward for them too.

It’s not so much that I have a "problem," per se—it's just that I lack true self-respect. Though, honestly, I doubt I'll fix that anytime soon; if I haven't figured it out in my thirty years, what chance do I have now? As for others, I don't think they find my company uncomfortable—well, maybe some do, but I suspect I'm pretty good at masking it. I'm not trying to overshare here, but I think I give off the impression of being a "normal" person who deals with the usual stuff—nothing quite as extreme as the actual reality.