How to deal with insecurity?

Kyle Vaughn8 said:Everyone keeps labeling me as insecure—and they use that to claim I’m totally incompetent

I recently got absolutely crushed during a performance review, and apparently, my lack of confidence is "proof" that I don't even understand my field 🤦
which is wild because I actually aced this stuff back at college—people used to rave about it 🙂

Now I’ve gotta build some serious backbone overnight... kind of like being told I have to nail an audition for a Broadway play 🙂 just to prove I'm not so timid
So, how do I actually kickstart that process? 🙂

How do you shake that fear when you're in a group setting? How do I stop telling myself to stay quiet and realize my opinion actually matters right now? Like, how do I give myself permission to jump into a conversation? 🤦

What kind of headspace should I be aiming for? Should I be using any internal mantras or something?

Maybe I’ve just been too angry or aggressive lately... 🙂🙂

Does anyone have specific techniques to get into a confident headspace?

Help a girl out 🙂

Raymond Anderson4 said:Who exactly is telling you that you're incapable, and in what specific situations? Give me a few examples...

Donna White50 said:Look, you don't really need to grind through a million different companies to get set up—it's way better to just find someone who actually knows their stuff, right? Find a mentor you can look up to and just watch how they handle things... learn from their moves.
The thing I see with people who were raised to be "well-behaved" is that constant, nagging fear—you know, that feeling that you’re failing if you aren't being perfect, useful, quiet, or just playing the part? It's all stuff we carry around from our parents... right?
He just needs to learn how to get past it—like, find a way to just break through that mental block inside himself, you know?
Honestly, just saying "no" or telling someone to get lost—especially when they haven't learned how to take a hint—is probably the hardest job out there. Then you're stuck dealing with that constant fear of getting fired if you didn't follow every single rule to a T... it's just this endless cycle of burning yourself out, you know?

I’m not exactly sweating being fired—mostly because I doubt I'd even get the chance to be let go, you know?
Maybe I was just too scared of it—which, honestly, is probably why I ended up getting it anyway?
Hopefully I'll be doing way better at my next job—fingers crossed, right?

Quincy Jones:

Man, it’s a rough situation when you try to be upfront about your mistakes or shortcomings with coworkers—some people might be cool with it at first, but the second you turn your back? They’ll use it against you. You really have to wrap your head around the fact that your job isn't some family business where everyone has your back... you can't just be the "nice guy" all the time. You've gotta learn how to look out for yourself.

There’s definitely some truth to that—honestly, isn't there? 👍
Maybe even if you grew up in a totally solid, middle-class home—you still end up believing that’s just how the world actually works? Right?
And that’s where things get messy—really messy.
Quincy Jones:

Work only as much as it's actually worth it—you gotta know when to say no so you don't end up being anyone's sucker? Honestly, just say "stop" before you become some joke—isn't it better to just command a little respect from the start?

The thing is—when they asked if I could put in some overtime—I just shut it down right then and there. Why even bother asking?
Even though I actually agreed to it the first time—for once?
I was just sitting here thinking—maybe I should’ve just grabbed that job the second it came up and said yes? Is it even worth waiting this long...?
But then they’d just be riding my back like a bunch of stubborn mules again—you know how it goes? 😵
At my last job—well, the one before that—everyone kept dumping these little tasks on me... you know, stuff where I actually learned something useful at first? But after a while, it was just busywork with zero payoff. Why even bother?
I'm just over it—honestly, I've had enough of this.
Quincy Jones:

Being a doormat isn't about being incompetent—honestly, plenty of losers just get really good at wearing masks to hide how useless they actually are. You know the type—they dodge responsibility, suck up to the boss, or just steamroll everyone else to look better than they are. But you? You become a victim the second you let people walk all over you. It’s a brutal spot to be in when you're giving everything you've got only to have people treat you like you don't even matter... just pure psychology, really.

Yeah, that's exactly how it feels—I'm stuck in this nightmare spot where everything is hitting the fan at once, yet nobody seems to care when it happens to anyone else...
Like, people are judging me for not being "involved enough" in training, even though there are tons of others who've done way less—but they haven't been fired, so they don't get questioned.
Honestly? I feel like the scapegoat for everyone else's lack of effort.
And then there's this new manager at the training center—she’s just power-tripping and looking for any excuse to act tough.
She was practically jumping at the chance to call me incompetent just so she could watch me quit.

northerncobra27 said:First off, don't panic. Just start repeating that old mantra—what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You’re just starting out in your career, and sure, you made a blunder that blew up in your face, but that isn't a reason to dig your own grave; instead, try to flip the script and use it to your advantage. Learn the lesson and make sure you don't trip over the same stone twice.

The absolute first thing you need to cultivate is self-confidence. It’s the honest truth that we all deal with bouts of insecurity from time to time, but if that doubt starts to outweigh your confidence, then you’ve got a real problem on your hands. Not only will certain "coworkers" take advantage of that weakness to use against you, but you simply won't be able to function as an equal member of the team—people can't really lean on you if you aren't even leaning on yourself.

Getting yourself out of this hole is going to take some time. You have to work on shifting both your outward behavior and your internal mindset, and then you have to wait for the rest of the office to notice that shift and accept it. That said, you don't need to step on anyone else to get ahead, play dirty, or act unprofessionally. If you are truly capable of doing high-quality work, you won't need any of those tactics. I completely agree with everything Donna White50 wrote. I’ve had to walk a very similar path myself.

Exactly.
I'm going to fix my attitude, but I honestly don't know if I'll have enough time to prove myself to them before things go south...
But hey, lesson learned for life.
It is what it is.
It just sucks because the course directors—people I actually respected—all turned on me during that meeting, from what I heard.
Turns out, nobody had anything good to say about me.
How am I supposed to keep acting like everything's fine with them now?
I know if I'm rude, I'll just be hurting myself in the end.

But man, the disappointment is real... and I'm just not built to kiss up to people I think are total snakes.

Now that I'm feeling this disillusioned with everyone, I have no clue how to handle myself.

Kyle Vaughn8 said:I’m not exactly sweating being fired—mostly because I doubt I'd even get the chance to be let go, you know?
Maybe I was just too scared of it—which, honestly, is probably why I ended up getting it anyway?
Hopefully I'll be doing way better at my next job—fingers crossed, right?

Quincy Jones:

Man, it’s a rough situation when you try to be upfront about your mistakes or shortcomings with coworkers—some people might be cool with it at first, but the second you turn your back? They’ll use it against you. You really have to wrap your head around the fact that your job isn't some family business where everyone has your back... you can't just be the "nice guy" all the time. You've gotta learn how to look out for yourself.

There’s definitely some truth to that—honestly, isn't there? 👍
Maybe even if you grew up in a totally solid, middle-class home—you still end up believing that’s just how the world actually works? Right?
And that’s where things get messy—really messy.
Quincy Jones:

Work only as much as it's actually worth it—you gotta know when to say no so you don't end up being anyone's sucker? Honestly, just say "stop" before you become some joke—isn't it better to just command a little respect from the start?

The thing is—when they asked if I could put in some overtime—I just shut it down right then and there. Why even bother asking?
Even though I actually agreed to it the first time—for once?
I was just sitting here thinking—maybe I should’ve just grabbed that job the second it came up and said yes? Is it even worth waiting this long...?
But then they’d just be riding my back like a bunch of stubborn mules again—you know how it goes? 😵
At my last job—well, the one before that—everyone kept dumping these little tasks on me... you know, stuff where I actually learned something useful at first? But after a while, it was just busywork with zero payoff. Why even bother?
I'm just over it—honestly, I've had enough of this.
Quincy Jones:

Being a doormat isn't about being incompetent—honestly, plenty of losers just get really good at wearing masks to hide how useless they actually are. You know the type—they dodge responsibility, suck up to the boss, or just steamroll everyone else to look better than they are. But you? You become a victim the second you let people walk all over you. It’s a brutal spot to be in when you're giving everything you've got only to have people treat you like you don't even matter... just pure psychology, really.

Yeah, that's exactly how it feels—I'm stuck in this nightmare spot where everything is hitting the fan at once, yet nobody seems to care when it happens to anyone else...
Like, people are judging me for not being "involved enough" in training, even though there are tons of others who've done way less—but they haven't been fired, so they don't get questioned.
Honestly? I feel like the scapegoat for everyone else's lack of effort.
And then there's this new manager at the training center—she’s just power-tripping and looking for any excuse to act tough.
She was practically jumping at the chance to call me incompetent just so she could watch me quit.

Exactly.
I'm going to fix my attitude, but I honestly don't know if I'll have enough time to prove myself to them before things go south...
But hey, lesson learned for life.
It is what it is.
It just sucks because the course directors—people I actually respected—all turned on me during that meeting, from what I heard.
Turns out, nobody had anything good to say about me.
How am I supposed to keep acting like everything's fine with them now?
I know if I'm rude, I'll just be hurting myself in the end.

But man, the disappointment is real... and I'm just not built to kiss up to people I think are total snakes.

Now that I'm feeling this disillusioned with everyone, I have no clue how to handle myself.

hollowcrane94 said:I’m jumping in here because I’m dealing with the exact same thing. Building up actual self-confidence isn't some quick fix; it’s a long, grueling process of constant practice, and honestly, trying to rewire your own personality is a massive undertaking.
The worst part of this whole mess is that people can smell weakness from a mile away and they will absolutely exploit it. I see it most at my job, where it basically kills any chance of moving up the ladder right from the jump.
Like I saw someone mention in another thread, you rarely find any real empathy among coworkers—in fact, it usually works the opposite way. These "colleagues" are quick to twist things in their favor, no matter how talented, smart, or eager to learn you actually are. It’s just tough to survive in a corporate culture full of sharks.