Scared to live, ashamed to exist

Greetings to everyone.

I find myself facing a dilemma that is rapidly escalating in scale, and my only solace is the hope that within the next year or two, I might be able to move abroad. My intention is to undergo a total reset and begin an entirely new life—though, admittedly, I am plagued by doubts regarding whether such a feat is truly possible, given that I am still fundamentally the same person...

It is evident that the impetus for change must come from within, yet I feel a profound necessity to initiate this transformation within an entirely new environment...

To provide some context: I have recently turned 24 and am nearing the completion of my university degree. Throughout my upbringing, I was a remarkably withdrawn child, raised in a rural area where there were few peers my own age. Consequently, when I reached the ages of 15 or 16—a period meant for expanding one's horizons—I found myself retreating further into isolation, tethered to my studies and the confines of my room, effectively losing my sense of timing with the rest of the world...

The cumulative effect of this has been a significant deficit in self-confidence, which has subsequently hindered my academic progress and left me feeling quite far behind...

Furthermore, high school was a deeply traumatic period. Navigating a completely unfamiliar social landscape proved difficult, and making friends was nearly impossible due to what I can candidly describe as a form of bullying. This stemmed from my lack of athletic prowess, my physical coordination, and ultimately, the defensive posture I adopted due to my low self-esteem...

My greatest struggle, however, lies in the influence of a small-town atmosphere; there is a persistent fear, or perhaps a sense of shame, regarding everything from trivial matters to the dread of appearing ridiculous. This makes me extremely reluctant to seek employment through temp agencies or roles that involve public interaction, such as working in shopping malls, conducting interviews, or participating in promotional events...

Naturally, this has also manifested as insecurity regarding my physical appearance and a pervasive fear of rejection. It reaches a point where I hesitate to even send a friend request, let alone engage in meaningful correspondence...

I am now acutely aware that a substantial portion of these issues resides within myself, and that I am the one responsible for enacting change. However, I struggle with the notion that I can recover those lost years; at 24, I wonder if it is even feasible to reintegrate into an existing social circle here, or even to build a new one in my current surroundings.

MY STRATEGY involves relocating overseas to attempt to live with absolute freedom, unburdened by the fear that someone might "recognize" me or hold my past against me, thereby allowing me to start practically from zero.

Given my current economic circumstances and rather unstable financial status, I plan to leverage my language skills to move abroad within the next year or two and attempt to establish myself.

Yet, the obstacle remains the lack of self-belief and decisive willpower. Over the last few years, I have squandered considerable time on trivial pursuits that should have been dedicated to mastering languages or reading about subjects of interest to prepare myself for this NEW CHAPTER.

Please accept my apologies if this is somewhat disorganized; my primary goal was not to write with perfect structure, but rather to express exactly how I am feeling.

Is it truly possible to forge a new existence—to essentially "forget" these 24 years spent here and erase this history? I find myself wondering if attempting to overcome this shame and fear while remaining in my current environment is simply a more difficult path.

Thank you,

Alan

Who are you trying to run away from? Yourself?
I mean, what do you really think you’ll find in a new city if you can't even find your footing where you are right now?
Sure, moving might give you a shot at a fresh start, but let's be real—how much of a head start does someone actually get when they're struggling with massive self-esteem issues, dropped into a totally unknown environment, feeling the pressure to land a job, settle into a routine, blend into a new workplace, meet new people, and basically rebuild their entire life from scratch..?
Running away sounds great in your head, but in the real world, you can't escape YOURSELF. If anything, the goal should be learning how to actually know and accept who you are..!
It feels like you've spent your whole life dodging self-acceptance—trying to ignore that you're actually a valuable, brave, and capable person who just happens to have some flaws along with a lot of strengths. You need to realize you're someone who knows what works for them and what doesn't, and someone carrying the weight of a rough upbringing that needs to be worked through, step by step, through actual self-growth..
Escaping hasn't helped anyone. You just end up facing different problems somewhere else—it's like trying to pour water from one leaky bucket into another; they're both broken, but you're still hoping the bottom won't give out this time..?

Things need to get sorted out now—not tomorrow, not in another state, and not at some different job. Your issue isn't your surroundings; it's that you personally need to put in the work to level up your own quality of life.
Personally, I only support "running away" if it's to build an emotional connection with a partner... because having that kind of support can be the anchor you need to adapt to a new place and actually make those internal changes. You can open up to a partner, which makes tackling problems and getting help so much easier... otherwise, you're just fighting against a world you perceive as negative, and that pressure could easily trigger old traumas and send you into a serious breakdown...

Donna White50 said:Who are you trying to run away from? Yourself?
I mean, what do you really think you’ll find in a new city if you can't even find your footing where you are right now?
Sure, moving might give you a shot at a fresh start, but let's be real—how much of a head start does someone actually get when they're struggling with massive self-esteem issues, dropped into a totally unknown environment, feeling the pressure to land a job, settle into a routine, blend into a new workplace, meet new people, and basically rebuild their entire life from scratch..?
Running away sounds great in your head, but in the real world, you can't escape YOURSELF. If anything, the goal should be learning how to actually know and accept who you are..!
It feels like you've spent your whole life dodging self-acceptance—trying to ignore that you're actually a valuable, brave, and capable person who just happens to have some flaws along with a lot of strengths. You need to realize you're someone who knows what works for them and what doesn't, and someone carrying the weight of a rough upbringing that needs to be worked through, step by step, through actual self-growth..
Escaping hasn't helped anyone. You just end up facing different problems somewhere else—it's like trying to pour water from one leaky bucket into another; they're both broken, but you're still hoping the bottom won't give out this time..?

Things need to get sorted out now—not tomorrow, not in another state, and not at some different job. Your issue isn't your surroundings; it's that you personally need to put in the work to level up your own quality of life.
Personally, I only support "running away" if it's to build an emotional connection with a partner... because having that kind of support can be the anchor you need to adapt to a new place and actually make those internal changes. You can open up to a partner, which makes tackling problems and getting help so much easier... otherwise, you're just fighting against a world you perceive as negative, and that pressure could easily trigger old traumas and send you into a serious breakdown...

I agree with you, however,

that "escape" isn't just about personal struggles; it also touches upon the broader systemic issues that plague thousands of citizens across this country.

Of course, I would love to simply start over with a new life, given that my experiences thus far haven't been particularly positive. Naturally, I accept that life will always contain negative elements, difficult people, and mistakes, and that things won't be perfect elsewhere either—I will still have to deal with all sorts of people there.

Right now, I am stuck here—and again, I say, it won't be any better elsewhere—dealing with the difficulty of being a good person to others, trying to engage in general conversation, while simultaneously dealing with people who act in direct opposition to the values they claim to hold.

In the end, I simply feel suffocated by this area and this lifestyle; I feel as though I am trapped in a downward spiral...

Look, if I were younger, I would’ve packed my bags and left the country in a heartbeat. Staying in America will only hold you back. As for those other struggles you mentioned? You'll deal with them abroad—or honestly, they might not even exist since you won't be surrounded by a bunch of uncultured locals.

ambertinker10 said:I agree with you, however,

that "escape" isn't just about personal struggles; it also touches upon the broader systemic issues that plague thousands of citizens across this country.

Of course, I would love to simply start over with a new life, given that my experiences thus far haven't been particularly positive. Naturally, I accept that life will always contain negative elements, difficult people, and mistakes, and that things won't be perfect elsewhere either—I will still have to deal with all sorts of people there.

Right now, I am stuck here—and again, I say, it won't be any better elsewhere—dealing with the difficulty of being a good person to others, trying to engage in general conversation, while simultaneously dealing with people who act in direct opposition to the values they claim to hold.

In the end, I simply feel suffocated by this area and this lifestyle; I feel as though I am trapped in a downward spiral...

In the States, the people who make it are the ones who work hard, stay educated, and take responsibility... there's massive competition out there, and trying to adapt to a whole new set of social rules can be brutal. Anyone who hits those marks can find success, but if you've got big dreams but aren't willing to actually roll up your sleeves, you're just going to end up disappointed or stuck in those low-paying jobs where you're barely scraping by, just like back home. Like anything else, truly successful people are pretty rare... and if you're carrying around baggage like low self-esteem, a lack of confidence, or struggling with stress and depression, man, it's going to be an uphill battle...
But hey, that's just my two cents...

neonhawk24 said:Look, if I were younger, I would’ve packed my bags and left the country in a heartbeat. Staying in America will only hold you back. As for those other struggles you mentioned? You'll deal with them abroad—or honestly, they might not even exist since you won't be surrounded by a bunch of uncultured locals.

I concur that the local mentality presents a significant challenge, yet I must remain honest and admit that it is not the sole issue; there are certainly shortcomings within myself as well...

Donna White50 said:In the States, the people who make it are the ones who work hard, stay educated, and take responsibility... there's massive competition out there, and trying to adapt to a whole new set of social rules can be brutal. Anyone who hits those marks can find success, but if you've got big dreams but aren't willing to actually roll up your sleeves, you're just going to end up disappointed or stuck in those low-paying jobs where you're barely scraping by, just like back home. Like anything else, truly successful people are pretty rare... and if you're carrying around baggage like low self-esteem, a lack of confidence, or struggling with stress and depression, man, it's going to be an uphill battle...
But hey, that's just my two cents...

However, one does have more opportunity. To provide a banal example: I observe organic oranges at Walmart priced at $2.75/lb, only to see them marked down to $1.75 the following day because they began to spoil... one can certainly be highly capable, but regardless of competition, if there is no market, success becomes much harder to attain...

And finally, since this is how I approach things, have you actually lived abroad, or is this all just hearsay?

ambertinker10 said:I concur that the local mentality presents a significant challenge, yet I must remain honest and admit that it is not the sole issue; there are certainly shortcomings within myself as well...

However, one does have more opportunity. To provide a banal example: I observe organic oranges at Walmart priced at $2.75/lb, only to see them marked down to $1.75 the following day because they began to spoil... one can certainly be highly capable, but regardless of competition, if there is no market, success becomes much harder to attain...

And finally, since this is how I approach things, have you actually lived abroad, or is this all just hearsay?

You get more chances to actually end up with, say, 10% left over at the end of the month—which is like 3 or 4 times what we see here since our standard of living is honestly pretty rough compared to theirs.
I haven't lived it myself, but a ton of my friends headed abroad... the common theme is just grinding 24/7, seven days a week—some even pulling double shifts if you actually want to make some real money. You try to tell yourself that having $1,100 left over plus maybe $250 per kid is worth it, but meanwhile, you aren't seeing your wife or kids for months on end and you have zero life because, let's face it, as a foreigner you're treated like cheap labor. Major respect to the engineers who manage to pull decent salaries both here and over there that actually let them live well...

Donna White50 said:You get more chances to actually end up with, say, 10% left over at the end of the month—which is like 3 or 4 times what we see here since our standard of living is honestly pretty rough compared to theirs.
I haven't lived it myself, but a ton of my friends headed abroad... the common theme is just grinding 24/7, seven days a week—some even pulling double shifts if you actually want to make some real money. You try to tell yourself that having $1,100 left over plus maybe $250 per kid is worth it, but meanwhile, you aren't seeing your wife or kids for months on end and you have zero life because, let's face it, as a foreigner you're treated like cheap labor. Major respect to the engineers who manage to pull decent salaries both here and over there that actually let them live well...

I honestly have no idea where you're working, but the lifestyle you just described is exactly what everyone around me is dealing with. They aren't even home on the weekends (myself included), and then at the end of the month, they're staring at a negative balance that makes you want to weep. You work overtime for pennies or, even worse, for nothing at all. It's infuriating. It makes this grind feel even more pointless compared to working abroad, where at least your bank account shows a surplus that justifies the effort. Things are just going to keep sliding downhill; there's absolutely no upward mobility in America.

Man, it’s like you’re reading my mind right here.
I’m actually two years younger than you, but I’m stuck in the exact same spot.
Sometimes I just sit there wondering if there’s even any point in trying to shake things up—or if I should just ride the wave and hope life eventually decides to get interesting, you know? Like, maybe I’ll finally meet a girl or land a killer job offer and everything will just click.
Right now, I’m pulling in less than $1333, and honestly, I’ll probably just blow it all on random junk because I don't really have the drive to save or invest in anything meaningful.
I can't quite bring myself to pull the trigger on moving abroad, but if what was said above is true, it might be a losing battle. It’s not like I’m out here chasing millions—my goal is just to work fewer hours while still making enough to live a decent, comfortable life.
In the US, finding a job that actually respects a 40-hour work week is basically a unicorn hunt at most companies.

Like the person above said—if you really sit down and weigh everything that's eating at you, you eventually realize you have to change yourself. Otherwise, you’re just going to end up in the same rut, no matter where you move.
Now, I haven't gone out and crunched the actual statistics or anything, so this is just me guessing.
But I know from experience that I used to think everything would magically fix itself once I found a girlfriend.
After thinking about that for a while—and letting that thought loop in my head every single day—I started asking myself: "What if nothing ever changes?"
And then you try to look at yourself through someone else's eyes, and you realize you wouldn't even want to hang out with yourself.

Anyway... enough of the doom and gloom. 🙂