Living with depression... My battle with the nightmares.

The days and weeks pass... And I feel myself sinking deeper, as if I am falling into a dark abyss... I am 23 years old, I have my degree in psychology, I am working, and I am in a relationship with a wonderful person whom I adore. I know some of you will say—or think—that I have everything and that there is absolutely no reason for these nightmares to haunt my thoughts. I know all of that. Oh, I know it well. But... day after day... night after night... I am simply sinking... I cannot escape the thought that everything in my life is slowly but surely losing its meaning... I haven't slept properly in nights... And the little sleep I am granted is seasoned with heavy doses of nightmares... Terrifying nightmares that instill even more fear of tomorrow into my soul. I am afraid... I am afraid of losing everything... I lack the will for things I used to do with such joy... When I get home from work... Around 5:00 PM... I return to my corner of solitude (I live alone) and then... That is when it begins... Solitude and nightmares knock on my door again... Like faithful guests... And I... I let them in, as always. Into my apartment... Into my soul... Loneliness keeps me company during these long winter evenings... My boyfriend, whom I love so dearly, tries everything to cheer me up and lift my spirits... But it feels as though none of it reaches me... I don't want to lose him... He is my entire world... I cannot describe how much love resides within me... For him. Often at night... while struggling with insomnia... I write... I love to write... And I have been writing for years... Sometimes I feel... As if this pen, which gives life to my words, is the only thing that truly understands and empathizes with me and my feelings.

Please write... how could I help myself?... Because I am aware of everything—truly aware of what is happening—but I simply do not know how to help myself... And I feel that help is needed...
Thank you...

Here is a poem I wrote tonight... During another sleepless night...

...tell me...
...where you hid me...

Tell me... where you hid me...
Where did you hide me... I cannot find myself anywhere...
I am lost... in these hallways...
Wandering through them... searching for you... searching... for myself...

Tell me... where you hid me...
Where did you hide me... so perfectly... that I am only present when I am with you...
That I breathe... only when I hear you...
That I live... only when I feel you...

Tell me... where you hid me...
Where did you hide me... when, without you, I can no longer sense the scent of spring...
I no longer hear or recognize... even my own name...
And they call me... but... I do not hear them... I... I do not want to hear them...

Tell me... where you hid me...
Where did you hide me... so deeply... that I only feel myself when I am with you...
Tell me... because I cannot... take another step...
Because... from these empty breaths... I feel dizzy...

Tell me... where you hid me...
Where did you hide me... when it feels so warm... against your chest...
And only there... do I smell... the spring...
Only there... against your chest... do I hear... my name...

P.S.
I do not usually have the habit of sharing my private thoughts (my poems) so publicly.
I wrote this only so that, perhaps, if you are able and willing, you might better understand what is troubling me and the turmoil within my mind.

briskmarlin31 said:The days and weeks pass... And I feel myself sinking deeper, as if I am falling into a dark abyss... I am 23 years old, I have my degree in psychology, I am working, and I am in a relationship with a wonderful person whom I adore. I know some of you will say—or think—that I have everything and that there is absolutely no reason for these nightmares to haunt my thoughts. I know all of that. Oh, I know it well. But... day after day... night after night... I am simply sinking... I cannot escape the thought that everything in my life is slowly but surely losing its meaning... I haven't slept properly in nights... And the little sleep I am granted is seasoned with heavy doses of nightmares... Terrifying nightmares that instill even more fear of tomorrow into my soul. I am afraid... I am afraid of losing everything... I lack the will for things I used to do with such joy... When I get home from work... Around 5:00 PM... I return to my corner of solitude (I live alone) and then... That is when it begins... Solitude and nightmares knock on my door again... Like faithful guests... And I... I let them in, as always. Into my apartment... Into my soul... Loneliness keeps me company during these long winter evenings... My boyfriend, whom I love so dearly, tries everything to cheer me up and lift my spirits... But it feels as though none of it reaches me... I don't want to lose him... He is my entire world... I cannot describe how much love resides within me... For him. Often at night... while struggling with insomnia... I write... I love to write... And I have been writing for years... Sometimes I feel... As if this pen, which gives life to my words, is the only thing that truly understands and empathizes with me and my feelings.

Please write... how could I help myself?... Because I am aware of everything—truly aware of what is happening—but I simply do not know how to help myself... And I feel that help is needed...
Thank you...

Here is a poem I wrote tonight... During another sleepless night...

...tell me...
...where you hid me...

Tell me... where you hid me...
Where did you hide me... I cannot find myself anywhere...
I am lost... in these hallways...
Wandering through them... searching for you... searching... for myself...

Tell me... where you hid me...
Where did you hide me... so perfectly... that I am only present when I am with you...
That I breathe... only when I hear you...
That I live... only when I feel you...

Tell me... where you hid me...
Where did you hide me... when, without you, I can no longer sense the scent of spring...
I no longer hear or recognize... even my own name...
And they call me... but... I do not hear them... I... I do not want to hear them...

Tell me... where you hid me...
Where did you hide me... so deeply... that I only feel myself when I am with you...
Tell me... because I cannot... take another step...
Because... from these empty breaths... I feel dizzy...

Tell me... where you hid me...
Where did you hide me... when it feels so warm... against your chest...
And only there... do I smell... the spring...
Only there... against your chest... do I hear... my name...

P.S.
I do not usually have the habit of sharing my private thoughts (my poems) so publicly.
I wrote this only so that, perhaps, if you are able and willing, you might better understand what is troubling me and the turmoil within my mind.

I can't shake this feeling that you actually kind of love your own pain. You probably don't even realize it, but you've basically embraced it as a companion... it’s become this sort of refuge or fuel for you, and you even seem to take a strange pride in turning it into poetry. It’s almost like you're holding onto it... what's the point in that? 🙂

But okay, getting practical here. Try planning out your evenings before you even get home from work. Even if you really don't feel like doing anything, just force yourself to follow through. Something physical would be a good start—it helps with the serotonin levels. Just try some tiny, mindless changes to your routine. If things don't shift and you still can't find the drive to actually move... then yeah, go see a psychiatrist. Get some psychotherapy. Just follow whatever the doctor suggests...

There's a decent thread on this topic over here:

That’s just your opinion
Maybe try distracting yourself with fairy tales if that helps
If you actually claim to have an interest in psychology, then you ought to be familiar with Analytic psychotherapy based on the work of C. G. Jung!
Find yourself a therapist who specializes in that field and see what can be accomplished

Best regards