Smith won't hang out with me

Hey everyone, I’m having some issues with a cousin of mine. He’s about ten years older than me. I’m just a college student, while he holds some big-shot position at a major corporation like Google. I moved to the city where he lives about four years ago to go to school. In all that time, we’ve probably only seen each other three or four times. We basically only talk to say happy birthday, and that’s it. It’s been weighing on me because, well, he’s my cousin, and this dynamic feels wrong. I’ve actually told him straight up that I don't think this is okay. Lately, I've tried to push for us to hang out more, but he doesn't seem interested. He just ignores it. Everyone makes excuses for him, saying he’s too busy or has no time, but I find it hard to believe someone can't spare time once every couple of months for coffee or to invite me to a family dinner on his birthday. None of our aunts or uncles make an effort either, and neither do I. We should be close, but it feels like we're strangers. It’s really starting to get to me, and I guess I don't know how to just deal with it.😢If I posted this in the wrong spot, just move it, since I couldn't find a place for this kind of thing.

Yeah, that’s a tough spot to be in. Honestly? It sounds like your relative is just being careless. The fact that he claims he can't find even a tiny window of time to catch up once every few weeks says everything you need to know {regardless of whatever "busy schedule" he's using as an excuse}.

You know how people say, "Where there's a will, there's a way"? Or, more accurately, "If they want to, they'll find a way; if they don't, they'll find an excuse." So, yeah, unfortunately, it's hard to see this changing. A lot of people don't even realize how little effort it takes to show someone you care, but some folks just go out of their way to avoid doing even the bare minimum. I don't think you did anything wrong here. It's perfectly natural to want to hang out, talk, and actually share ideas and experiences. Just because he's older might play a part, but really, it shouldn't change the basics.

It’s pretty awkward when certain relatives love to criticize or gossip {without ever making the effort to reach out directly}, acting all superior like they're looking down on you. Eventually, you just start to realize there are so many different factors at play in situations like this.

It’s the same thing with other family connections, or even close lifelong friends. That slow drifting apart starts to feel really strange after a while, but hey, that's just life, I guess. Maybe some people are just tired of one another {though if you ran into them by chance in downtown Chicago, you'd probably still end up having a conversation}

I mean, let's face it—finding deep connections with extended family is hard enough as it is. A lot of things stay fuzzy, and over time, you just kind of get used to the fact that you barely ever speak.

First off, I think it’s really sweet that you’re making such an effort to stay close with your cousin. Honestly, it shows a lot about your character. But you have to realize that not everyone views family ties with the same level of intensity that you do. For some people, the drive to reach out just isn't there. It’s like, if they had a brother or a sister, they might not even try that hard to keep in touch with them, either. It’s just how some people are wired. In a big place like the US, it’s actually pretty common for people living in the same city to barely see their relatives except for major holidays or rare occasions. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't lose too much sleep over it. Your conscience is clear, and that’s what matters. Maybe the relationship will naturally deepen down the road, or maybe it won't—there's really no way for you to force that kind of connection. So, my advice? Just take a breath, relax, and let things be what they are.

First thing I gotta ask because it hit me immediately—are you just hanging out with him because you think his status will help you once you’re done with college? You don't have to answer that right away, just think about it 🙂

As for the question—I've got two cousins in the same city and two brothers, though one isn't around right now. I see that one brother maybe once a week or even less. With my cousins, I might run into them in town and it's just a quick "hey" and that's it. They don't act like they care, and I don't really feel like talking to them either. Just because you're related doesn't mean you have to be best friends. Family is basically just like neighbors. You don't get a choice in who you end up with. I don't buy into this whole forced bonding thing just because of blood, and luckily, my family isn't like that either.

Just because you share blood doesn't mean you actually click. History is littered with siblings who can't stand one another, even after being raised under the exact same roof by the same parents.
What’s your actual motivation for forcing a friendship?
- Is it simply because you grew up without any siblings?
- Because you both happen to live in the same city?
- Or because you genuinely find them tolerable?

Once every couple of weeks or so 😬 I guess my issue might just be that I don't live right in the middle of the city, so getting ready and actually heading out for a few drinks ends up being a much bigger commitment in terms of both time and money than just paying for two rounds. But, say, in the last three weeks, I haven't actually managed to grab a drink with anyone, even though one thing was almost set in stone (though I’m not counting texting or hanging out with my girlfriend, even if we haven't been seeing each other all that much lately).

As for your relatives, I don't know, but maybe try to focus on someone you actually vibe with on the same wavelength, because even if you share blood, it doesn't mean you're actually good company for each other. Sure, go grab a coffee with them once in a while and have a chat, but honestly, I feel like they should probably be more of a Plan B rather than a genuine social necessity (assuming you can't find anything else going on).

Psh, honestly, that’s nothing...
I haven't seen my brothers in years—even though they're practically my own blood—but they still pop up on me every once in a while
it happens all the time
I mean, imagine if we didn't just not see each other, but actually stopped talking altogether
that would be nothing

So, look, what you're going through isn't out of the ordinary at all
some people are just naturally self-sufficient and perfectly happy doing their own thing

Look, the guy just doesn't want to hang out with you—he’s got way better things to do with his life than waste time on this...

So, what's the actual deal here?

Hey, let's not be so harsh about it
Maybe there just isn't a real need for it—or perhaps they just don't see the point...

Jose Miller3 said:Look, the guy just doesn't want to hang out with you—he’s got way better things to do with his life than waste time on this...

So, what's the actual deal here?

Whoa. Are you related to him???
🍿

I only see my cousins who are ten years older or younger than me about once every five years. Honestly, I’m hearing for the first time that that could actually be a struggle for some people. 😲

Why are you even reaching out? Stop wishing him a happy birthday, and heaven forbid you actually buy someone like that a gift.😵Treat him exactly how he treats you.👋Honestly, my favorite kind of idiot is the one who pops up for holidays and birthdays but stays completely MIA the rest of the year. I just don't see the point...

I have a cousin and a niece too, but honestly, they just don't exist to me. And maybe it’s better that way. We live in completely different worlds; they’re out in California, while I’m here on the mainland. When we were kids, we used to hang out during the summer trips my dad would take us on to California, but those gatherings weren't exactly pleasant. I remember when I lost my mom and was grieving... my cousin actually called me up and basically said, "Your mom died, so what?" It was just so incredibly sad to see how she viewed her own mother, who had passed away even before mine did.

sent from my iPhone 6 mini

We aren't in touch anymore. Honestly, it's probably for the best. I think my mom, grandma, and grandpa would all agree with me on that.

sent from my iPhone 6 mini

Kenneth Garcia4 said:I only see my cousins who are ten years older or younger than me about once every five years. Honestly, I’m hearing for the first time that that could actually be a struggle for some people. 😲

The only people it "troubles" are the vultures looking to milk their family for everything they've got.

If things happen naturally, cool. Good vibes, easygoing hangouts.

But forcing a "get-together" just to score some benefits? That's pathetic, even if you mask it as "family bonding." Give me a break.

Like, why would a 35-year-old feel the need to hang out every single week with a broke college student trying to make it? Yeah, I'll pass on that one.

John Brooks13 said:Hey everyone, I’m having some issues with a cousin of mine. He’s about ten years older than me. I’m just a college student, while he holds some big-shot position at a major corporation like Google. I moved to the city where he lives about four years ago to go to school. In all that time, we’ve probably only seen each other three or four times. We basically only talk to say happy birthday, and that’s it. It’s been weighing on me because, well, he’s my cousin, and this dynamic feels wrong. I’ve actually told him straight up that I don't think this is okay. Lately, I've tried to push for us to hang out more, but he doesn't seem interested. He just ignores it. Everyone makes excuses for him, saying he’s too busy or has no time, but I find it hard to believe someone can't spare time once every couple of months for coffee or to invite me to a family dinner on his birthday. None of our aunts or uncles make an effort either, and neither do I. We should be close, but it feels like we're strangers. It’s really starting to get to me, and I guess I don't know how to just deal with it.😢If I posted this in the wrong spot, just move it, since I couldn't find a place for this kind of thing.

You’re going to have to "come to terms" with it eventually. Maybe if you started prioritizing yourself instead of clinging to these delusional family ties that people think they have to maintain just because they're related—newsflash: they don't. Just because you feel like things *should* be a certain way doesn't mean anyone else shares that delusion.

Got two cousins living just two streets over from me. Can't even remember the last time I actually saw them. :klap:

Look, dear author—she’s out hanging with her old college buddies. Why are you even stressing about some cousin who is living in a completely different world than yours?

John Brooks13 said:Hey everyone, I’m having some issues with a cousin of mine. He’s about ten years older than me. I’m just a college student, while he holds some big-shot position at a major corporation like Google. I moved to the city where he lives about four years ago to go to school. In all that time, we’ve probably only seen each other three or four times. We basically only talk to say happy birthday, and that’s it. It’s been weighing on me because, well, he’s my cousin, and this dynamic feels wrong. I’ve actually told him straight up that I don't think this is okay. Lately, I've tried to push for us to hang out more, but he doesn't seem interested. He just ignores it. Everyone makes excuses for him, saying he’s too busy or has no time, but I find it hard to believe someone can't spare time once every couple of months for coffee or to invite me to a family dinner on his birthday. None of our aunts or uncles make an effort either, and neither do I. We should be close, but it feels like we're strangers. It’s really starting to get to me, and I guess I don't know how to just deal with it.😢If I posted this in the wrong spot, just move it, since I couldn't find a place for this kind of thing.

Honestly? I don't think you mentioned that detail by total accident...
I feel like—if you aren't doing it consciously, then maybe subconsciously—you're flirting with the idea that his status might actually benefit you down the road...

John Brooks13 said:Hey everyone, I’m having some issues with a cousin of mine. He’s about ten years older than me. I’m just a college student, while he holds some big-shot position at a major corporation like Google. I moved to the city where he lives about four years ago to go to school. In all that time, we’ve probably only seen each other three or four times. We basically only talk to say happy birthday, and that’s it. It’s been weighing on me because, well, he’s my cousin, and this dynamic feels wrong. I’ve actually told him straight up that I don't think this is okay. Lately, I've tried to push for us to hang out more, but he doesn't seem interested. He just ignores it. Everyone makes excuses for him, saying he’s too busy or has no time, but I find it hard to believe someone can't spare time once every couple of months for coffee or to invite me to a family dinner on his birthday. None of our aunts or uncles make an effort either, and neither do I. We should be close, but it feels like we're strangers. It’s really starting to get to me, and I guess I don't know how to just deal with it.😢If I posted this in the wrong spot, just move it, since I couldn't find a place for this kind of thing.

Is it possible you're being a little too pushy? Maybe your constant attempts to reach out feel a bit "freaky" to him, and that's why he's distancing himself?
You don't need much to pressure someone beyond what their boundaries allow. If he didn't respond to an invitation once or twice, you should have just let things stay exactly where they were.
The guy clearly has a full life and doesn't have the time or energy for coffee dates with you. You don't have to like it, and it doesn't have to feel okay to you. But there are all kinds of people out there. Some people are perfectly content being alone, introverted, or just not very social. This probably (and most likely) has nothing to do with you personally.
Just let it go. Regardless of whatever your actual motivation is for chasing him.

John Brooks13 said:Hey everyone, I’m having some issues with a cousin of mine. He’s about ten years older than me. I’m just a college student, while he holds some big-shot position at a major corporation like Google. I moved to the city where he lives about four years ago to go to school. In all that time, we’ve probably only seen each other three or four times. We basically only talk to say happy birthday, and that’s it. It’s been weighing on me because, well, he’s my cousin, and this dynamic feels wrong. I’ve actually told him straight up that I don't think this is okay. Lately, I've tried to push for us to hang out more, but he doesn't seem interested. He just ignores it. Everyone makes excuses for him, saying he’s too busy or has no time, but I find it hard to believe someone can't spare time once every couple of months for coffee or to invite me to a family dinner on his birthday. None of our aunts or uncles make an effort either, and neither do I. We should be close, but it feels like we're strangers. It’s really starting to get to me, and I guess I don't know how to just deal with it.😢If I posted this in the wrong spot, just move it, since I couldn't find a place for this kind of thing.

🤔
Why?
I would totally understand you if you two used to be incredibly close—like best friends who suddenly drifted apart and experienced this sudden coldness.

Okay.

But from what I could see, you two were never even particularly close to begin with... So what is it that you miss about him so much? I don't get it.

Don't you have enough going on in your own life, girl? Back in college, I couldn't even squeeze my own relatives into my schedule. We lived in the same city, and we only saw each other maybe two or three times total (including one time 😁 ). But I never saw any issue with that.
We were actually about the same age back in the day.
But this guy? He’s easily a decade older than you... I don't even know what you two would have to talk about. Sitting in a college dining hall? Discussing freshman orientation? He moved past that life a long time ago. Besides, he holds down a serious job now, one where I’m pretty sure he’s grabbing thirty coffees a day with all sorts of different clients.

Chillout girl 😉