Everything looks good, but it's a bit too restless

Hey there,

I guess I should start by listing all the good stuff in my life, because looking back, I don't really have any childhood traumas—not that I can recall, anyway—and my family is just wonderful, we all get along so well, they’re incredibly supportive, and honestly, I love spending time with them. In school and now at college, I’ve always been a top student, and socially, I’m pretty much the life of the party, I have tons of friends, though obviously just a few real ones who actually know the true me, and I think people enjoy being around me because I’m funny and easygoing, just an open book... and I’m truly grateful for all of that.
But even with all this perfection on paper, there’s this constant, restless agitation inside me that’s been there for years, and even right now, I feel like I could burst into tears for absolutely no reason at all. I wanted to write out a lot about my life here, hoping maybe someone could try to help or at least give me some perspective, because right now, I’m stuck seeing everything through my own narrow lens.

I’m 22, currently a college student.
I am brutally self-critical, like, pathologically so, and I’ve never actually felt proud of myself regardless of what I achieve. Last year, I was actually the top performer in my major, but I didn't even feel like I accomplished anything... I just feel like there’s always room for improvement, and it’s only in the last year that I’ve even tried to appreciate the present moment and realize that things can always go downhill. I’m never satisfied, especially not with how I look, and I honestly think I try to bury my insecurities about my appearance under layers of academic success.
I’m about 20 or 30 pounds overweight, which isn't a massive deal in the grand scheme of things since I'm within a "normal" range—you know, the kind of thing a lifestyle magazine might comment on—and I know if I just watched what I ate, my confidence would probably catch up with me, even though my self-esteem is currently hitting rock bottom, despite how well I hide it... but I’ve been cycling through diets for years, and once I finally hit a weight where I actually liked myself, I spiraled into so much stress and dissatisfaction that I just gained it all back.
I think, deep down, I’m using food to numb certain feelings, like the fact that I’m still really unsure about my orientation, or just the general sense of insecurity I carry about almost everything in life.

Because of this endless struggle with my weight, I’ve ended up missing out on so much—hanging out with friends, going out on the town, traveling... There’s always this nagging voice in my head telling me that if I don't look a certain way, I don't deserve to be happy, so I’ll get all dressed up for a night out, look in the mirror, feel disgusted with myself, and just cancel everything. It tells me nobody will ever want me, so why bother? That’s why I’ve never been in a relationship; I’ve had guys flirt with me, sure, but I always shut it down before anything develops because I just feel like I don't deserve it.
I don't even know the real reason why I do this to myself, but I’ve missed out on so many beautiful experiences and ended up feeling so isolated. And now, there’s this guy I actually like, mostly because he’s the complete opposite of me—he’s always smiling and just radiates this positive energy, though I have no idea if he even notices me yet, nothing has happened.
So now I’m just lying here in bed, laptop resting on me, staring at my legs and thinking about how terrible I look, and thinking about how I probably wouldn't be able to handle intimacy with anyone because I'm so unhappy with myself... I constantly feel like it’s better for people not to start a relationship with me, because as long as I’m like this, I’ll just end up bringing them down.

It drives me absolutely insane—internally, of course—when someone says something like, "Oh, you've filled out a bit," and I've dealt with those snide comments from random drunks at a bar and even from close relatives, and then even when someone tells me I look beautiful, I somehow convince myself there’s a hidden insult in it. I can take almost any sentence someone says and somehow link it back to my weight.
I have this toxic loop running in my head, and I know I have to break it, but I am just so exhausted from the dieting, the constant dissatisfaction, the loneliness, the endless responsibilities, the exams... I'm just tired of searching for that one thing that will finally make me feel at peace.
I was crying again tonight because I'm just so unhappy with myself, and now I can't even concentrate on studying for my exam; I've been biting my nails raw from the nerves, it’s just too much... something is eating me alive from the inside, and I just don't feel truly happy, and I really want to be, because isn't that supposed to be the whole point of living!?

Please, give me some advice, or just tell me how you see things.
I’m sorry if my problems seem small compared to what some of you might be going through, but this has been weighing on me for so long that I just had to see what would happen if I shared it here.

Thanks in advance! 🙂

Look, it’s simple. Just grab your friends and get moving. Pick something high-energy... team sports, long-distance cycling, hitting the pavement for a run a few times a week. That kind of thing.

It’ll flip your routine and boost your mood—science backs it up. Plus, you'll start seeing actual physical changes pretty quick 😉

Honestly, this is the best advice I can give you. If you actually decide to listen, just don't quit on me 😁

William Richardson12 said:Look, it’s simple. Just grab your friends and get moving. Pick something high-energy... team sports, long-distance cycling, hitting the pavement for a run a few times a week. That kind of thing.

It’ll flip your routine and boost your mood—science backs it up. Plus, you'll start seeing actual physical changes pretty quick 😉

Honestly, this is the best advice I can give you. If you actually decide to listen, just don't quit on me 😁

👍

Betty Morgan5 said:Hey there,

I guess I should start by listing all the good stuff in my life, because looking back, I don't really have any childhood traumas—not that I can recall, anyway—and my family is just wonderful, we all get along so well, they’re incredibly supportive, and honestly, I love spending time with them. In school and now at college, I’ve always been a top student, and socially, I’m pretty much the life of the party, I have tons of friends, though obviously just a few real ones who actually know the true me, and I think people enjoy being around me because I’m funny and easygoing, just an open book... and I’m truly grateful for all of that.
But even with all this perfection on paper, there’s this constant, restless agitation inside me that’s been there for years, and even right now, I feel like I could burst into tears for absolutely no reason at all. I wanted to write out a lot about my life here, hoping maybe someone could try to help or at least give me some perspective, because right now, I’m stuck seeing everything through my own narrow lens.

I’m 22, currently a college student.
I am brutally self-critical, like, pathologically so, and I’ve never actually felt proud of myself regardless of what I achieve. Last year, I was actually the top performer in my major, but I didn't even feel like I accomplished anything... I just feel like there’s always room for improvement, and it’s only in the last year that I’ve even tried to appreciate the present moment and realize that things can always go downhill. I’m never satisfied, especially not with how I look, and I honestly think I try to bury my insecurities about my appearance under layers of academic success.
I’m about 20 or 30 pounds overweight, which isn't a massive deal in the grand scheme of things since I'm within a "normal" range—you know, the kind of thing a lifestyle magazine might comment on—and I know if I just watched what I ate, my confidence would probably catch up with me, even though my self-esteem is currently hitting rock bottom, despite how well I hide it... but I’ve been cycling through diets for years, and once I finally hit a weight where I actually liked myself, I spiraled into so much stress and dissatisfaction that I just gained it all back.
I think, deep down, I’m using food to numb certain feelings, like the fact that I’m still really unsure about my orientation, or just the general sense of insecurity I carry about almost everything in life.

Because of this endless struggle with my weight, I’ve ended up missing out on so much—hanging out with friends, going out on the town, traveling... There’s always this nagging voice in my head telling me that if I don't look a certain way, I don't deserve to be happy, so I’ll get all dressed up for a night out, look in the mirror, feel disgusted with myself, and just cancel everything. It tells me nobody will ever want me, so why bother? That’s why I’ve never been in a relationship; I’ve had guys flirt with me, sure, but I always shut it down before anything develops because I just feel like I don't deserve it.
I don't even know the real reason why I do this to myself, but I’ve missed out on so many beautiful experiences and ended up feeling so isolated. And now, there’s this guy I actually like, mostly because he’s the complete opposite of me—he’s always smiling and just radiates this positive energy, though I have no idea if he even notices me yet, nothing has happened.
So now I’m just lying here in bed, laptop resting on me, staring at my legs and thinking about how terrible I look, and thinking about how I probably wouldn't be able to handle intimacy with anyone because I'm so unhappy with myself... I constantly feel like it’s better for people not to start a relationship with me, because as long as I’m like this, I’ll just end up bringing them down.

It drives me absolutely insane—internally, of course—when someone says something like, "Oh, you've filled out a bit," and I've dealt with those snide comments from random drunks at a bar and even from close relatives, and then even when someone tells me I look beautiful, I somehow convince myself there’s a hidden insult in it. I can take almost any sentence someone says and somehow link it back to my weight.
I have this toxic loop running in my head, and I know I have to break it, but I am just so exhausted from the dieting, the constant dissatisfaction, the loneliness, the endless responsibilities, the exams... I'm just tired of searching for that one thing that will finally make me feel at peace.
I was crying again tonight because I'm just so unhappy with myself, and now I can't even concentrate on studying for my exam; I've been biting my nails raw from the nerves, it’s just too much... something is eating me alive from the inside, and I just don't feel truly happy, and I really want to be, because isn't that supposed to be the whole point of living!?

Please, give me some advice, or just tell me how you see things.
I’m sorry if my problems seem small compared to what some of you might be going through, but this has been weighing on me for so long that I just had to see what would happen if I shared it here.

Thanks in advance! 🙂

Don't bother apologizing—that self-criticism of yours 🙂 well, I recognize it, and believe me, I am certainly no better 😬. Everyone’s struggles feel monumental to them... and I doubt people dealing with "bigger" issues will hold it against you... assuming they are actually human beings and not just sacks of misery ☕

That was solid advice above... try changing your pace... adapt. You don't necessarily have to overhaul your entire essence, but you can certainly shift your circumstances or even your environment... just take it slow, bit by bit. I would suggest framing it as though you aren't creating new complications, but rather resolving the ones already there 👍

Good luck. And if I may offer a small compliment regarding your dilemma: at least you aren't making life difficult for anyone else. You are self-aware, and you clearly have the desire to change something that, as you put it, makes you question whether there is any real meaning to life. Respect! 🙂

William Richardson12 said:Look, it’s simple. Just grab your friends and get moving. Pick something high-energy... team sports, long-distance cycling, hitting the pavement for a run a few times a week. That kind of thing.

It’ll flip your routine and boost your mood—science backs it up. Plus, you'll start seeing actual physical changes pretty quick 😉

Honestly, this is the best advice I can give you. If you actually decide to listen, just don't quit on me 😁

Yeah, that’s solid advice, really, but the thing is, none of that crowd actually gives a damn about sports... they just aren't interested at all. I mean, I’ve practically lived my entire life around athletics, spent years training and pushing myself, but those weight issues have always been lurking in the background like an uninvited guest... always there, you know? Anyway, once I can finally catch my breath and get my head straight after all this mental exhaustion, I’m planning to jump right back onto a diet... just as soon as things settle down...

I really just hope I don't end up throwing in the towel on whatever I decide to tackle next... life is just one long series of starts and stops, isn't it? Anyway, thanks to you... 🙂

Quincy:

Lawrence Bailey77 I can't believe I'm even seeing this right now... it's like everyone just collectively decided to lose their minds at once, honestly... Look, there’s really no need to go around apologizing... honestly, this whole habit you have of being so incredibly self-critical, it’s just unnecessary... I mean, why beat yourself up like that when it doesn't change a thing? It’s just exhausting to watch, really, all that constant backtracking and second-guessing everything you say or do... it's just too much... 🙂 I mean, I recognize her name, but honestly, I’m no expert on the matter either... 😬... honestly, everything always boils down to being his absolute biggest crisis, doesn't it? Like, every single little hiccup becomes this massive, world-ending catastrophe in his eyes... and you just know that the people actually dealing with real, heavy-duty struggles aren't going to say a word to him, because they’ll probably just stay quiet out of pity... assuming they’re actually human beings and not just empty vessels for constant whining and endless misery... ☕ Take the advice you saw above... seriously, just change up your rhythm... you’ve got to learn how to adapt on the fly... look, I’m not saying you need to overhaul your entire soul or turn into a completely different person overnight, but you can definitely shift your circumstances, or even the environment around you if things aren't clicking... just take it one step at a time, nice and slow... though if I were in your shoes, I’d make sure to emphasize that you aren't out there looking for new headaches or manufacturing drama, you're simply stepping up to deal with the problems that are already sitting right in front of you... 👍 Good luck with everything, and honestly, if I can give you a little bit of credit here, at least you aren't out there making life difficult for everyone else... you actually seem self-aware, which is more than I can say for most people these days, and you have this genuine desire to change things up because you're questioning the whole point of it all, or searching for some kind of meaning in this chaotic existence... seriously, much respect for that! 🙂

Self-criticism is just... it’s always there, isn't it? It’s like this constant, nagging background noise that follows you around from the moment you wake up until you finally pass out at night... and honestly, I feel like we all struggle with it more than we care to admit, even when we think we're being perfectly fine with ourselves. You know, you’ll be sitting there, maybe having a coffee in Seattle or just driving down some highway in the Midwest, and suddenly that little voice starts picking apart everything you did wrong today... every tiny mistake, every awkward word, every single thing that wasn't quite "perfect" enough... and it just keeps going and going and goes on forever... it's exhausting, really, just absolutely draining to live with that internal judge constantly hovering over your shoulder like a relentless supervisor at a Fortune 500 company who just can't find anything to praise... it's a cycle that feels almost impossible to break sometimes... 😁I mean, I was just thinking about how some people might find my "perfect" little life totally irritating... especially when you consider there are folks out there dealing with massive, heavy-duty struggles—real, crushing diagnoses—that make my minor inconveniences look like nothing at all, so I can see why they'd roll their eyes if I start acting like everything is sunshine and rainbows...
Look, I’m not the type of person to go looking for trouble or manufacture drama out of thin air—when a problem lands on my doorstep, I deal with it right then and there, no matter how much it hurts or how messy things get... I like to think I have my feet planted firmly on the ground, and I’ve always been pretty self-aware about where I fall short and where I actually shine, but this thing? This specific situation is absolutely gutting me. I’ve become an expert at masking it, too, so if you saw me walking down the street in Chicago or grabbing a coffee, you’d never guess I was spiraling because I hide it so damn well... but honestly, I can only keep up the act for so long before it starts eating me alive from the inside out. I refuse to keep wasting my life like this. These are supposed to be my prime years, the absolute best years of my life, yet instead of enjoying them, I just feel this overwhelming sense of disgust with everything...

Look, don't get me wrong, I can be a happy person too, I really can... I’m not just some constant, miserable grouch all the time, but honestly, the second a bad memory or a failure flashes through my mind, it’s like everything just collapses and my entire day is completely ruined... It happens so fast. And usually, when I'm spiraling like that, the last thing I want to do is dump my heavy mood on everyone else, so I just pull away and isolate myself, which is why I've become a bit of a hermit lately... My family can sense when I'm in one of those states, and they constantly try to force me to open up and talk about it, but no matter how much I try to explain, I still find myself holding back the details... I just don't want them worrying about me more than they already do...

I’m constantly trying to force myself out of those ruts I tend to fall into, you know, that repetitive cycle where everything just feels stuck...

Have you actually managed to silence that inner critic of yours yet?
Thanks so much for putting this all down 🙂

Betty Morgan5 said:Hey there,

I guess I should start by listing all the good stuff in my life, because looking back, I don't really have any childhood traumas—not that I can recall, anyway—and my family is just wonderful, we all get along so well, they’re incredibly supportive, and honestly, I love spending time with them. In school and now at college, I’ve always been a top student, and socially, I’m pretty much the life of the party, I have tons of friends, though obviously just a few real ones who actually know the true me, and I think people enjoy being around me because I’m funny and easygoing, just an open book... and I’m truly grateful for all of that.
But even with all this perfection on paper, there’s this constant, restless agitation inside me that’s been there for years, and even right now, I feel like I could burst into tears for absolutely no reason at all. I wanted to write out a lot about my life here, hoping maybe someone could try to help or at least give me some perspective, because right now, I’m stuck seeing everything through my own narrow lens.

I’m 22, currently a college student.
I am brutally self-critical, like, pathologically so, and I’ve never actually felt proud of myself regardless of what I achieve. Last year, I was actually the top performer in my major, but I didn't even feel like I accomplished anything... I just feel like there’s always room for improvement, and it’s only in the last year that I’ve even tried to appreciate the present moment and realize that things can always go downhill. I’m never satisfied, especially not with how I look, and I honestly think I try to bury my insecurities about my appearance under layers of academic success.
I’m about 20 or 30 pounds overweight, which isn't a massive deal in the grand scheme of things since I'm within a "normal" range—you know, the kind of thing a lifestyle magazine might comment on—and I know if I just watched what I ate, my confidence would probably catch up with me, even though my self-esteem is currently hitting rock bottom, despite how well I hide it... but I’ve been cycling through diets for years, and once I finally hit a weight where I actually liked myself, I spiraled into so much stress and dissatisfaction that I just gained it all back.
I think, deep down, I’m using food to numb certain feelings, like the fact that I’m still really unsure about my orientation, or just the general sense of insecurity I carry about almost everything in life.

Because of this endless struggle with my weight, I’ve ended up missing out on so much—hanging out with friends, going out on the town, traveling... There’s always this nagging voice in my head telling me that if I don't look a certain way, I don't deserve to be happy, so I’ll get all dressed up for a night out, look in the mirror, feel disgusted with myself, and just cancel everything. It tells me nobody will ever want me, so why bother? That’s why I’ve never been in a relationship; I’ve had guys flirt with me, sure, but I always shut it down before anything develops because I just feel like I don't deserve it.
I don't even know the real reason why I do this to myself, but I’ve missed out on so many beautiful experiences and ended up feeling so isolated. And now, there’s this guy I actually like, mostly because he’s the complete opposite of me—he’s always smiling and just radiates this positive energy, though I have no idea if he even notices me yet, nothing has happened.
So now I’m just lying here in bed, laptop resting on me, staring at my legs and thinking about how terrible I look, and thinking about how I probably wouldn't be able to handle intimacy with anyone because I'm so unhappy with myself... I constantly feel like it’s better for people not to start a relationship with me, because as long as I’m like this, I’ll just end up bringing them down.

It drives me absolutely insane—internally, of course—when someone says something like, "Oh, you've filled out a bit," and I've dealt with those snide comments from random drunks at a bar and even from close relatives, and then even when someone tells me I look beautiful, I somehow convince myself there’s a hidden insult in it. I can take almost any sentence someone says and somehow link it back to my weight.
I have this toxic loop running in my head, and I know I have to break it, but I am just so exhausted from the dieting, the constant dissatisfaction, the loneliness, the endless responsibilities, the exams... I'm just tired of searching for that one thing that will finally make me feel at peace.
I was crying again tonight because I'm just so unhappy with myself, and now I can't even concentrate on studying for my exam; I've been biting my nails raw from the nerves, it’s just too much... something is eating me alive from the inside, and I just don't feel truly happy, and I really want to be, because isn't that supposed to be the whole point of living!?

Please, give me some advice, or just tell me how you see things.
I’m sorry if my problems seem small compared to what some of you might be going through, but this has been weighing on me for so long that I just had to see what would happen if I shared it here.

Thanks in advance! 🙂

This sounds a lot like an inferiority complex to me. It seems like you're actually crushing it in certain areas of your life, but you refuse to give yourself credit or realize those wins are worth celebrating. As for the extra weight, don't sweat it too much—you aren't the only person dealing with that. Besides, you can always decide to tackle it whenever you want; it just takes a bit of willpower to make that kind of change. I know it's way easier to just sit around and whine about being "overweight," but does it really cause you that much actual trouble?
You mentioned at the start that you have plenty of reasons to be happy. Why don't you try building your confidence around those things instead?

Betty Morgan5 said:Hey there,

I guess I should start by listing all the good stuff in my life, because looking back, I don't really have any childhood traumas—not that I can recall, anyway—and my family is just wonderful, we all get along so well, they’re incredibly supportive, and honestly, I love spending time with them. In school and now at college, I’ve always been a top student, and socially, I’m pretty much the life of the party, I have tons of friends, though obviously just a few real ones who actually know the true me, and I think people enjoy being around me because I’m funny and easygoing, just an open book... and I’m truly grateful for all of that.
But even with all this perfection on paper, there’s this constant, restless agitation inside me that’s been there for years, and even right now, I feel like I could burst into tears for absolutely no reason at all. I wanted to write out a lot about my life here, hoping maybe someone could try to help or at least give me some perspective, because right now, I’m stuck seeing everything through my own narrow lens.

I’m 22, currently a college student.
I am brutally self-critical, like, pathologically so, and I’ve never actually felt proud of myself regardless of what I achieve. Last year, I was actually the top performer in my major, but I didn't even feel like I accomplished anything... I just feel like there’s always room for improvement, and it’s only in the last year that I’ve even tried to appreciate the present moment and realize that things can always go downhill. I’m never satisfied, especially not with how I look, and I honestly think I try to bury my insecurities about my appearance under layers of academic success.
I’m about 20 or 30 pounds overweight, which isn't a massive deal in the grand scheme of things since I'm within a "normal" range—you know, the kind of thing a lifestyle magazine might comment on—and I know if I just watched what I ate, my confidence would probably catch up with me, even though my self-esteem is currently hitting rock bottom, despite how well I hide it... but I’ve been cycling through diets for years, and once I finally hit a weight where I actually liked myself, I spiraled into so much stress and dissatisfaction that I just gained it all back.
I think, deep down, I’m using food to numb certain feelings, like the fact that I’m still really unsure about my orientation, or just the general sense of insecurity I carry about almost everything in life.

Because of this endless struggle with my weight, I’ve ended up missing out on so much—hanging out with friends, going out on the town, traveling... There’s always this nagging voice in my head telling me that if I don't look a certain way, I don't deserve to be happy, so I’ll get all dressed up for a night out, look in the mirror, feel disgusted with myself, and just cancel everything. It tells me nobody will ever want me, so why bother? That’s why I’ve never been in a relationship; I’ve had guys flirt with me, sure, but I always shut it down before anything develops because I just feel like I don't deserve it.
I don't even know the real reason why I do this to myself, but I’ve missed out on so many beautiful experiences and ended up feeling so isolated. And now, there’s this guy I actually like, mostly because he’s the complete opposite of me—he’s always smiling and just radiates this positive energy, though I have no idea if he even notices me yet, nothing has happened.
So now I’m just lying here in bed, laptop resting on me, staring at my legs and thinking about how terrible I look, and thinking about how I probably wouldn't be able to handle intimacy with anyone because I'm so unhappy with myself... I constantly feel like it’s better for people not to start a relationship with me, because as long as I’m like this, I’ll just end up bringing them down.

It drives me absolutely insane—internally, of course—when someone says something like, "Oh, you've filled out a bit," and I've dealt with those snide comments from random drunks at a bar and even from close relatives, and then even when someone tells me I look beautiful, I somehow convince myself there’s a hidden insult in it. I can take almost any sentence someone says and somehow link it back to my weight.
I have this toxic loop running in my head, and I know I have to break it, but I am just so exhausted from the dieting, the constant dissatisfaction, the loneliness, the endless responsibilities, the exams... I'm just tired of searching for that one thing that will finally make me feel at peace.
I was crying again tonight because I'm just so unhappy with myself, and now I can't even concentrate on studying for my exam; I've been biting my nails raw from the nerves, it’s just too much... something is eating me alive from the inside, and I just don't feel truly happy, and I really want to be, because isn't that supposed to be the whole point of living!?

Please, give me some advice, or just tell me how you see things.
I’m sorry if my problems seem small compared to what some of you might be going through, but this has been weighing on me for so long that I just had to see what would happen if I shared it here.

Thanks in advance! 🙂

Those "extra" pounds you say you have? They aren't actually the problem... they're just how you're compensating. You're projecting this negative self-image onto your physical appearance—thinking that being overweight means you don't deserve happiness, or pleasure, or for things to get better in life.
Even if you hit your goal weight—which isn't even that hard, just a few months of dieting—you probably wouldn't feel any better. Honestly, it might be easier to stay a little curvy just so you have a reason to feel bad... We all have this tendency to spiral like that, looking for external proof of our internal insecurities, whether it’s through how we look or how we act (like telling ourselves "I don't deserve to go out," "I don't deserve a relationship," or "I don't deserve success").
But you also have this drive to prove yourself because of those deep-seated insecurities, except you only focus on things you can totally control—like perfectionism, crushing it at college, or keeping up appearances with friends...
The second anything slips out of your absolute control—like going out, being in a new environment, meeting strangers, or even dating a guy—you just totally freak out and all those negative emotions come crashing down like an avalanche...

It feels like you haven't actually built real self-confidence yet; you've just built a way to compensate for its absence. It's like you're on a scale—on one side, you've got this pile of self-doubt and negativity, and on the other, you're trying to balance it out with personal achievements, intelligence, and social life...
As soon as that balance shifts, your whole world feels like it's falling apart...
If you actually had genuine confidence, you wouldn't give a damn about ten extra pounds, what people think of you, or what your parents think. You'd tell anyone exactly what's on your mind without worrying about being judged. You'd go out and socialize because you actually want to have fun, and you'd date someone because you want to express your feelings and your sexuality with someone who's actually attractive, fun, and catches your eye...

So, just really think about whether what I'm saying rings true. Real confidence comes from doing the inner work. From what I can tell, you have a pretty decent life, so you shouldn't be struggling this much...

Betty Morgan5 said:Yeah, that’s solid advice, really, but the thing is, none of that crowd actually gives a damn about sports... they just aren't interested at all. I mean, I’ve practically lived my entire life around athletics, spent years training and pushing myself, but those weight issues have always been lurking in the background like an uninvited guest... always there, you know? Anyway, once I can finally catch my breath and get my head straight after all this mental exhaustion, I’m planning to jump right back onto a diet... just as soon as things settle down...

I really just hope I don't end up throwing in the towel on whatever I decide to tackle next... life is just one long series of starts and stops, isn't it? Anyway, thanks to you... 🙂

Quincy:

Lawrence Bailey77 I can't believe I'm even seeing this right now... it's like everyone just collectively decided to lose their minds at once, honestly... Look, there’s really no need to go around apologizing... honestly, this whole habit you have of being so incredibly self-critical, it’s just unnecessary... I mean, why beat yourself up like that when it doesn't change a thing? It’s just exhausting to watch, really, all that constant backtracking and second-guessing everything you say or do... it's just too much... 🙂 I mean, I recognize her name, but honestly, I’m no expert on the matter either... 😬... honestly, everything always boils down to being his absolute biggest crisis, doesn't it? Like, every single little hiccup becomes this massive, world-ending catastrophe in his eyes... and you just know that the people actually dealing with real, heavy-duty struggles aren't going to say a word to him, because they’ll probably just stay quiet out of pity... assuming they’re actually human beings and not just empty vessels for constant whining and endless misery... ☕ Take the advice you saw above... seriously, just change up your rhythm... you’ve got to learn how to adapt on the fly... look, I’m not saying you need to overhaul your entire soul or turn into a completely different person overnight, but you can definitely shift your circumstances, or even the environment around you if things aren't clicking... just take it one step at a time, nice and slow... though if I were in your shoes, I’d make sure to emphasize that you aren't out there looking for new headaches or manufacturing drama, you're simply stepping up to deal with the problems that are already sitting right in front of you... 👍 Good luck with everything, and honestly, if I can give you a little bit of credit here, at least you aren't out there making life difficult for everyone else... you actually seem self-aware, which is more than I can say for most people these days, and you have this genuine desire to change things up because you're questioning the whole point of it all, or searching for some kind of meaning in this chaotic existence... seriously, much respect for that! 🙂

Self-criticism is just... it’s always there, isn't it? It’s like this constant, nagging background noise that follows you around from the moment you wake up until you finally pass out at night... and honestly, I feel like we all struggle with it more than we care to admit, even when we think we're being perfectly fine with ourselves. You know, you’ll be sitting there, maybe having a coffee in Seattle or just driving down some highway in the Midwest, and suddenly that little voice starts picking apart everything you did wrong today... every tiny mistake, every awkward word, every single thing that wasn't quite "perfect" enough... and it just keeps going and going and goes on forever... it's exhausting, really, just absolutely draining to live with that internal judge constantly hovering over your shoulder like a relentless supervisor at a Fortune 500 company who just can't find anything to praise... it's a cycle that feels almost impossible to break sometimes... 😁I mean, I was just thinking about how some people might find my "perfect" little life totally irritating... especially when you consider there are folks out there dealing with massive, heavy-duty struggles—real, crushing diagnoses—that make my minor inconveniences look like nothing at all, so I can see why they'd roll their eyes if I start acting like everything is sunshine and rainbows...
Look, I’m not the type of person to go looking for trouble or manufacture drama out of thin air—when a problem lands on my doorstep, I deal with it right then and there, no matter how much it hurts or how messy things get... I like to think I have my feet planted firmly on the ground, and I’ve always been pretty self-aware about where I fall short and where I actually shine, but this thing? This specific situation is absolutely gutting me. I’ve become an expert at masking it, too, so if you saw me walking down the street in Chicago or grabbing a coffee, you’d never guess I was spiraling because I hide it so damn well... but honestly, I can only keep up the act for so long before it starts eating me alive from the inside out. I refuse to keep wasting my life like this. These are supposed to be my prime years, the absolute best years of my life, yet instead of enjoying them, I just feel this overwhelming sense of disgust with everything...

Look, don't get me wrong, I can be a happy person too, I really can... I’m not just some constant, miserable grouch all the time, but honestly, the second a bad memory or a failure flashes through my mind, it’s like everything just collapses and my entire day is completely ruined... It happens so fast. And usually, when I'm spiraling like that, the last thing I want to do is dump my heavy mood on everyone else, so I just pull away and isolate myself, which is why I've become a bit of a hermit lately... My family can sense when I'm in one of those states, and they constantly try to force me to open up and talk about it, but no matter how much I try to explain, I still find myself holding back the details... I just don't want them worrying about me more than they already do...

I’m constantly trying to force myself out of those ruts I tend to fall into, you know, that repetitive cycle where everything just feels stuck...

Have you actually managed to silence that inner critic of yours yet?
Thanks so much for putting this all down 🙂

Not really, 😵 I suppose you can't teach an old dog new tricks 😬 ... one simply adapts to the old ways. It isn't quite possible; certain traits and core temperaments are essentially hardwired from birth, though I guess you can direct them or adjust them—perhaps amplifying or suppressing certain aspects here and there

I wouldn't even characterize it as a problem for myself, since I lived quite normally in my environment, provided we ignore those rather devastating traumas that served to amplify everything negative within and around me 😵

- And besides, worrying about other people's struggles doesn't diminish your own. Therein lies an example of redirecting self-criticism "to your advantage" 👍 ... you remain faithful to that critical nature, yet you learn to utilize it for your own benefit. I imagine that's fairly clear 😉

It is all quite maddening, really. It certainly isn't as easy or enjoyable as this "casual writing" might suggest. Everything requires a slow, steady carving—masterful work, much like sculpting stone, if one wants it to endure. Just consider how long those specific personality traits and psychological mechanisms have been being carved out since the moment you were born. One shouldn't set overly ambitious goals. Though, truth be told, I tend to hold both myself and others to very high standards, and because I am primarily focused on my own development, I perhaps overreach in my expectations and set the bar too high 😬 so I find myself wondering if I can manage to achieve even half of what I intend. Yet, by God, experience has shown me I was right; those expectations eventually manifest. One must arm oneself with patience and persistence 👍 and not forget the importance of empathy; one must show mercy to oneself in order to show mercy to others 🙂

lived🙂

Rhyme or reason, who cares when you're feeling this low.. 😁
You're sharp, kid, things will look up by tomorrow morning. 👍 Because honestly, tomorrow is always smarter than... yeah.
It feels like your biggest hurdle is just burying everything and acting like nothing's wrong. You even said it yourself—the more you try to bottle it up, the more it suffocates you. You're struggling because of that mindset, but watch out, because there's a trap here: you could end up getting addicted to the suffering, creating this endless loop. It happened to me, and let me tell you, it'll spin you around like a damn toy..

Let go of the chaos and just embrace the universe. It’s really not that complicated—everyone slips up once in a while. Just put in the work, and eventually, you'll see the rewards.

Betty Morgan5 said:Hey there,

I guess I should start by listing all the good stuff in my life, because looking back, I don't really have any childhood traumas—not that I can recall, anyway—and my family is just wonderful, we all get along so well, they’re incredibly supportive, and honestly, I love spending time with them. In school and now at college, I’ve always been a top student, and socially, I’m pretty much the life of the party, I have tons of friends, though obviously just a few real ones who actually know the true me, and I think people enjoy being around me because I’m funny and easygoing, just an open book... and I’m truly grateful for all of that.
But even with all this perfection on paper, there’s this constant, restless agitation inside me that’s been there for years, and even right now, I feel like I could burst into tears for absolutely no reason at all. I wanted to write out a lot about my life here, hoping maybe someone could try to help or at least give me some perspective, because right now, I’m stuck seeing everything through my own narrow lens.

I’m 22, currently a college student.
I am brutally self-critical, like, pathologically so, and I’ve never actually felt proud of myself regardless of what I achieve. Last year, I was actually the top performer in my major, but I didn't even feel like I accomplished anything... I just feel like there’s always room for improvement, and it’s only in the last year that I’ve even tried to appreciate the present moment and realize that things can always go downhill. I’m never satisfied, especially not with how I look, and I honestly think I try to bury my insecurities about my appearance under layers of academic success.
I’m about 20 or 30 pounds overweight, which isn't a massive deal in the grand scheme of things since I'm within a "normal" range—you know, the kind of thing a lifestyle magazine might comment on—and I know if I just watched what I ate, my confidence would probably catch up with me, even though my self-esteem is currently hitting rock bottom, despite how well I hide it... but I’ve been cycling through diets for years, and once I finally hit a weight where I actually liked myself, I spiraled into so much stress and dissatisfaction that I just gained it all back.
I think, deep down, I’m using food to numb certain feelings, like the fact that I’m still really unsure about my orientation, or just the general sense of insecurity I carry about almost everything in life.

Because of this endless struggle with my weight, I’ve ended up missing out on so much—hanging out with friends, going out on the town, traveling... There’s always this nagging voice in my head telling me that if I don't look a certain way, I don't deserve to be happy, so I’ll get all dressed up for a night out, look in the mirror, feel disgusted with myself, and just cancel everything. It tells me nobody will ever want me, so why bother? That’s why I’ve never been in a relationship; I’ve had guys flirt with me, sure, but I always shut it down before anything develops because I just feel like I don't deserve it.
I don't even know the real reason why I do this to myself, but I’ve missed out on so many beautiful experiences and ended up feeling so isolated. And now, there’s this guy I actually like, mostly because he’s the complete opposite of me—he’s always smiling and just radiates this positive energy, though I have no idea if he even notices me yet, nothing has happened.
So now I’m just lying here in bed, laptop resting on me, staring at my legs and thinking about how terrible I look, and thinking about how I probably wouldn't be able to handle intimacy with anyone because I'm so unhappy with myself... I constantly feel like it’s better for people not to start a relationship with me, because as long as I’m like this, I’ll just end up bringing them down.

It drives me absolutely insane—internally, of course—when someone says something like, "Oh, you've filled out a bit," and I've dealt with those snide comments from random drunks at a bar and even from close relatives, and then even when someone tells me I look beautiful, I somehow convince myself there’s a hidden insult in it. I can take almost any sentence someone says and somehow link it back to my weight.
I have this toxic loop running in my head, and I know I have to break it, but I am just so exhausted from the dieting, the constant dissatisfaction, the loneliness, the endless responsibilities, the exams... I'm just tired of searching for that one thing that will finally make me feel at peace.
I was crying again tonight because I'm just so unhappy with myself, and now I can't even concentrate on studying for my exam; I've been biting my nails raw from the nerves, it’s just too much... something is eating me alive from the inside, and I just don't feel truly happy, and I really want to be, because isn't that supposed to be the whole point of living!?

Please, give me some advice, or just tell me how you see things.
I’m sorry if my problems seem small compared to what some of you might be going through, but this has been weighing on me for so long that I just had to see what would happen if I shared it here.

Thanks in advance! 🙂

Man, I feel this in my soul. It’s like, no matter how hard you grind or what milestones you hit, there’s always that nagging feeling that you missed the mark or could have done better. 🙂

But hey, try looking at it from a different angle! That restlessness, that constant itch of dissatisfaction? That's actually your engine. It's what pushes you to achieve way more than someone who is perfectly content sitting on the couch being happy with everything.

Betty Morgan5 said:Hey there,

I guess I should start by listing all the good stuff in my life, because looking back, I don't really have any childhood traumas—not that I can recall, anyway—and my family is just wonderful, we all get along so well, they’re incredibly supportive, and honestly, I love spending time with them. In school and now at college, I’ve always been a top student, and socially, I’m pretty much the life of the party, I have tons of friends, though obviously just a few real ones who actually know the true me, and I think people enjoy being around me because I’m funny and easygoing, just an open book... and I’m truly grateful for all of that.
But even with all this perfection on paper, there’s this constant, restless agitation inside me that’s been there for years, and even right now, I feel like I could burst into tears for absolutely no reason at all. I wanted to write out a lot about my life here, hoping maybe someone could try to help or at least give me some perspective, because right now, I’m stuck seeing everything through my own narrow lens.

I’m 22, currently a college student.
I am brutally self-critical, like, pathologically so, and I’ve never actually felt proud of myself regardless of what I achieve. Last year, I was actually the top performer in my major, but I didn't even feel like I accomplished anything... I just feel like there’s always room for improvement, and it’s only in the last year that I’ve even tried to appreciate the present moment and realize that things can always go downhill. I’m never satisfied, especially not with how I look, and I honestly think I try to bury my insecurities about my appearance under layers of academic success.
I’m about 20 or 30 pounds overweight, which isn't a massive deal in the grand scheme of things since I'm within a "normal" range—you know, the kind of thing a lifestyle magazine might comment on—and I know if I just watched what I ate, my confidence would probably catch up with me, even though my self-esteem is currently hitting rock bottom, despite how well I hide it... but I’ve been cycling through diets for years, and once I finally hit a weight where I actually liked myself, I spiraled into so much stress and dissatisfaction that I just gained it all back.
I think, deep down, I’m using food to numb certain feelings, like the fact that I’m still really unsure about my orientation, or just the general sense of insecurity I carry about almost everything in life.

Because of this endless struggle with my weight, I’ve ended up missing out on so much—hanging out with friends, going out on the town, traveling... There’s always this nagging voice in my head telling me that if I don't look a certain way, I don't deserve to be happy, so I’ll get all dressed up for a night out, look in the mirror, feel disgusted with myself, and just cancel everything. It tells me nobody will ever want me, so why bother? That’s why I’ve never been in a relationship; I’ve had guys flirt with me, sure, but I always shut it down before anything develops because I just feel like I don't deserve it.
I don't even know the real reason why I do this to myself, but I’ve missed out on so many beautiful experiences and ended up feeling so isolated. And now, there’s this guy I actually like, mostly because he’s the complete opposite of me—he’s always smiling and just radiates this positive energy, though I have no idea if he even notices me yet, nothing has happened.
So now I’m just lying here in bed, laptop resting on me, staring at my legs and thinking about how terrible I look, and thinking about how I probably wouldn't be able to handle intimacy with anyone because I'm so unhappy with myself... I constantly feel like it’s better for people not to start a relationship with me, because as long as I’m like this, I’ll just end up bringing them down.

It drives me absolutely insane—internally, of course—when someone says something like, "Oh, you've filled out a bit," and I've dealt with those snide comments from random drunks at a bar and even from close relatives, and then even when someone tells me I look beautiful, I somehow convince myself there’s a hidden insult in it. I can take almost any sentence someone says and somehow link it back to my weight.
I have this toxic loop running in my head, and I know I have to break it, but I am just so exhausted from the dieting, the constant dissatisfaction, the loneliness, the endless responsibilities, the exams... I'm just tired of searching for that one thing that will finally make me feel at peace.
I was crying again tonight because I'm just so unhappy with myself, and now I can't even concentrate on studying for my exam; I've been biting my nails raw from the nerves, it’s just too much... something is eating me alive from the inside, and I just don't feel truly happy, and I really want to be, because isn't that supposed to be the whole point of living!?

Please, give me some advice, or just tell me how you see things.
I’m sorry if my problems seem small compared to what some of you might be going through, but this has been weighing on me for so long that I just had to see what would happen if I shared it here.

Thanks in advance! 🙂

I think you're missing the mark there. The "meaning of life" isn't some universal rulebook; it's totally personal. It can be anything! And honestly? Pure, unadulterated happiness isn't necessarily the goal. 🙂

Sorry I haven't gotten back to you sooner, things have just been absolutely piling up on my plate lately... Thank you all so much for the replies, seriously, you've really given me a lot to chew on.

rapidhawk60 said:This sounds a lot like an inferiority complex to me. It seems like you're actually crushing it in certain areas of your life, but you refuse to give yourself credit or realize those wins are worth celebrating. As for the extra weight, don't sweat it too much—you aren't the only person dealing with that. Besides, you can always decide to tackle it whenever you want; it just takes a bit of willpower to make that kind of change. I know it's way easier to just sit around and whine about being "overweight," but does it really cause you that much actual trouble?
You mentioned at the start that you have plenty of reasons to be happy. Why don't you try building your confidence around those things instead?

I don't know if it's an inferiority complex or what, because if you were implying that maybe my family doesn't value me or something like that, then no, that isn't it at all... I've always had better grades than my brother, my parents absolutely adore me, and I don't recall ever feeling less than worthy, honestly, they might have even preferred me slightly over him (but those are tiny details)...

What I mean is, I did lose weight once, but then I hit this massive wave of stress and everything just came right back, and ever since then, I've been constantly battling these numbers on the scale, like I find a connection to them in every single sentence I say. Today, I ran into this guy I used to date and he didn't recognize me at first, and then he goes, "I didn't recognize you," and immediately, my brain just went, *It's because you gained weight, this is how you look to him now,* and all these other stupid, intrusive thoughts. And I know they're awful and I shouldn't be having them, I'm fully aware of that, but they're just... they're still there. But that one sentence was enough to completely wreck my entire day and leave me feeling so miserable.
On the other hand, I'm terrified that if I actually fix the weight issue, it'll turn out that the weight was just a side effect of me trying to hide the fact that I might be gay, which is something I only started accepting about a year ago and I'm feeling a bit more settled about it, but then my head starts spinning again thinking, *Wait, if that isn't the problem, then what on earth is?*

Donna White50 said:Those "extra" pounds you say you have? They aren't actually the problem... they're just how you're compensating. You're projecting this negative self-image onto your physical appearance—thinking that being overweight means you don't deserve happiness, or pleasure, or for things to get better in life.
Even if you hit your goal weight—which isn't even that hard, just a few months of dieting—you probably wouldn't feel any better. Honestly, it might be easier to stay a little curvy just so you have a reason to feel bad... We all have this tendency to spiral like that, looking for external proof of our internal insecurities, whether it’s through how we look or how we act (like telling ourselves "I don't deserve to go out," "I don't deserve a relationship," or "I don't deserve success").
But you also have this drive to prove yourself because of those deep-seated insecurities, except you only focus on things you can totally control—like perfectionism, crushing it at college, or keeping up appearances with friends...
The second anything slips out of your absolute control—like going out, being in a new environment, meeting strangers, or even dating a guy—you just totally freak out and all those negative emotions come crashing down like an avalanche...

It feels like you haven't actually built real self-confidence yet; you've just built a way to compensate for its absence. It's like you're on a scale—on one side, you've got this pile of self-doubt and negativity, and on the other, you're trying to balance it out with personal achievements, intelligence, and social life...
As soon as that balance shifts, your whole world feels like it's falling apart...
If you actually had genuine confidence, you wouldn't give a damn about ten extra pounds, what people think of you, or what your parents think. You'd tell anyone exactly what's on your mind without worrying about being judged. You'd go out and socialize because you actually want to have fun, and you'd date someone because you want to express your feelings and your sexuality with someone who's actually attractive, fun, and catches your eye...

So, just really think about whether what I'm saying rings true. Real confidence comes from doing the inner work. From what I can tell, you have a pretty decent life, so you shouldn't be struggling this much...

To be totally honest, I couldn't describe myself any better; I've always played that exact card back in college and high school, trying to influence my grades as much as possible to balance out my failures in other areas (and for me, those failures are my physical appearance). My body is the biggest issue for me right now, and I know I need to lose weight, but I am just so incredibly exhausted from dieting and constantly calculating every single thing I eat, deciding what to pick or what to reject... I end up eating just because I'm bored or stressed, and I honestly can't control myself at all. I know everything there is to know about healthy eating and working out, truly, truly a lot. I've spent years reading articles and browsing forums about it and I know the theory inside and out, but in practice, I just can't seem to make it happen right now. Usually, when I commit to something, it has to be strictly by the book; I hate wandering aimlessly, and that doesn't just apply to diets, it applies to everything in my life...

Right now, I honestly couldn't be in a relationship because I would misinterpret every single word anyone said and I wouldn't be able to relax for a second. Letting someone get close to me and seeing even a glimpse of my problems would be so difficult. But then again, part of me desperately wants someone by my side, as long as they aren't just friends...
But what kind of "work" is supposed to fix self-confidence?

Lawrence Bailey77 said:Not really, 😵 I suppose you can't teach an old dog new tricks 😬 ... one simply adapts to the old ways. It isn't quite possible; certain traits and core temperaments are essentially hardwired from birth, though I guess you can direct them or adjust them—perhaps amplifying or suppressing certain aspects here and there

I wouldn't even characterize it as a problem for myself, since I lived quite normally in my environment, provided we ignore those rather devastating traumas that served to amplify everything negative within and around me 😵

- And besides, worrying about other people's struggles doesn't diminish your own. Therein lies an example of redirecting self-criticism "to your advantage" 👍 ... you remain faithful to that critical nature, yet you learn to utilize it for your own benefit. I imagine that's fairly clear 😉

It is all quite maddening, really. It certainly isn't as easy or enjoyable as this "casual writing" might suggest. Everything requires a slow, steady carving—masterful work, much like sculpting stone, if one wants it to endure. Just consider how long those specific personality traits and psychological mechanisms have been being carved out since the moment you were born. One shouldn't set overly ambitious goals. Though, truth be told, I tend to hold both myself and others to very high standards, and because I am primarily focused on my own development, I perhaps overreach in my expectations and set the bar too high 😬 so I find myself wondering if I can manage to achieve even half of what I intend. Yet, by God, experience has shown me I was right; those expectations eventually manifest. One must arm oneself with patience and persistence 👍 and not forget the importance of empathy; one must show mercy to oneself in order to show mercy to others 🙂

lived🙂

That's my plan too, to pack next semester full of stuff, and if I achieve even half of what I plan, that's great.
Those traits have been being carved out since birth, but who is to blame for the bad ones that showed up? Why were those the ones that took over?
I really, really need patience and persistence right now, but...

crimsonpuma23 said:Rhyme or reason, who cares when you're feeling this low.. 😁
You're sharp, kid, things will look up by tomorrow morning. 👍 Because honestly, tomorrow is always smarter than... yeah.
It feels like your biggest hurdle is just burying everything and acting like nothing's wrong. You even said it yourself—the more you try to bottle it up, the more it suffocates you. You're struggling because of that mindset, but watch out, because there's a trap here: you could end up getting addicted to the suffering, creating this endless loop. It happened to me, and let me tell you, it'll spin you around like a damn toy..

My mood can flip in a literal heartbeat whenever some dark, negative thought starts creeping into my head, but it’s specifically that heavy, crushing sensation that really sets me off. It gets to the point where I can't even have a normal conversation with anyone anymore because I start finding connections in absolutely everything 😢

Melissa Ward said:Man, I feel this in my soul. It’s like, no matter how hard you grind or what milestones you hit, there’s always that nagging feeling that you missed the mark or could have done better. 🙂

But hey, try looking at it from a different angle! That restlessness, that constant itch of dissatisfaction? That's actually your engine. It's what pushes you to achieve way more than someone who is perfectly content sitting on the couch being happy with everything.

I think you're missing the mark there. The "meaning of life" isn't some universal rulebook; it's totally personal. It can be anything! And honestly? Pure, unadulterated happiness isn't necessarily the goal. 🙂

But the thing is, you’re never actually happy, regardless of how big the win is, because that internal realization that things could be improved just swallows the whole achievement whole... you lose that sense of accomplishment entirely, and then when people ask how things are going, you just say "fine" or "nothing much" because your successes don't even feel worth mentioning.
Right now, it isn't driving me forward at all, and frankly, I hate being in this headspace... I just want to feel happy and actually be able to brag about something I did, you know? Like, when people tell me "bravo," I want to actually feel like it matters, instead of thinking, "Yeah, I fixed this one thing, but I still have all these other problems, so it doesn't really count for anything."

That's where you're wrong. Purpose is totally subjective and can be anything you want it to be, but it isn't just "happiness" for the sake of it. 🙂

Well, I just want to laugh, I want to live without this constant weight on my shoulders, I want to wake up feeling genuinely cheerful... I want the little things to actually satisfy me instead of constantly chasing some unreachable "better" version of life. I just want to be happy that I'm here today, to feel grateful for what I've got instead of always reaching for the next thing and never being content with anything... I think that's my whole purpose in life.

Betty Morgan5 said:Sorry I haven't gotten back to you sooner, things have just been absolutely piling up on my plate lately... Thank you all so much for the replies, seriously, you've really given me a lot to chew on.

I don't know if it's an inferiority complex or what, because if you were implying that maybe my family doesn't value me or something like that, then no, that isn't it at all... I've always had better grades than my brother, my parents absolutely adore me, and I don't recall ever feeling less than worthy, honestly, they might have even preferred me slightly over him (but those are tiny details)...

What I mean is, I did lose weight once, but then I hit this massive wave of stress and everything just came right back, and ever since then, I've been constantly battling these numbers on the scale, like I find a connection to them in every single sentence I say. Today, I ran into this guy I used to date and he didn't recognize me at first, and then he goes, "I didn't recognize you," and immediately, my brain just went, *It's because you gained weight, this is how you look to him now,* and all these other stupid, intrusive thoughts. And I know they're awful and I shouldn't be having them, I'm fully aware of that, but they're just... they're still there. But that one sentence was enough to completely wreck my entire day and leave me feeling so miserable.
On the other hand, I'm terrified that if I actually fix the weight issue, it'll turn out that the weight was just a side effect of me trying to hide the fact that I might be gay, which is something I only started accepting about a year ago and I'm feeling a bit more settled about it, but then my head starts spinning again thinking, *Wait, if that isn't the problem, then what on earth is?*

To be totally honest, I couldn't describe myself any better; I've always played that exact card back in college and high school, trying to influence my grades as much as possible to balance out my failures in other areas (and for me, those failures are my physical appearance). My body is the biggest issue for me right now, and I know I need to lose weight, but I am just so incredibly exhausted from dieting and constantly calculating every single thing I eat, deciding what to pick or what to reject... I end up eating just because I'm bored or stressed, and I honestly can't control myself at all. I know everything there is to know about healthy eating and working out, truly, truly a lot. I've spent years reading articles and browsing forums about it and I know the theory inside and out, but in practice, I just can't seem to make it happen right now. Usually, when I commit to something, it has to be strictly by the book; I hate wandering aimlessly, and that doesn't just apply to diets, it applies to everything in my life...

Right now, I honestly couldn't be in a relationship because I would misinterpret every single word anyone said and I wouldn't be able to relax for a second. Letting someone get close to me and seeing even a glimpse of my problems would be so difficult. But then again, part of me desperately wants someone by my side, as long as they aren't just friends...
But what kind of "work" is supposed to fix self-confidence?

That's my plan too, to pack next semester full of stuff, and if I achieve even half of what I plan, that's great.
Those traits have been being carved out since birth, but who is to blame for the bad ones that showed up? Why were those the ones that took over?
I really, really need patience and persistence right now, but...

My mood can flip in a literal heartbeat whenever some dark, negative thought starts creeping into my head, but it’s specifically that heavy, crushing sensation that really sets me off. It gets to the point where I can't even have a normal conversation with anyone anymore because I start finding connections in absolutely everything 😢

"that's the spirit" 👍
Quincy:

These traits have been part of us since birth, but really, who is to blame for the negative ones that eventually surface?

One shouldn't resort to blaming or judging, because you end up drifting into such altered states of consciousness that you lose sight of who you are and what you actually want. You just spiral into more blame and judgment without ever finding a resolution. Criticism becomes an end in itself, and then you're just another average member of this society, being swept along by the crowd like leaves in the wind.😵

... if you truly feel compelled to overthink things, I would suggest pursuing understanding. It is a long and arduous process. As the years accumulate and experience grows, I guess it becomes slightly easier to grasp oneself. The irony, perhaps, is that after everything you've endured, it might not hold much personal weight for you anymore, though it could potentially assist the younger generation, or maybe your own children... or anyone else, really. Things tend to fall into place with age, for reasons of their own. In my estimation, circumstances play the largest role in phenomena that remain obscure to us. And who knows what life has in store? One doesn't simply give up. It is a struggle until the very end.👍

Quincy:

Why did those specific factors prevail?

Circumstances... you're only human. Forgive yourself and try to understand. Avoid the urge to judge or cast blame. Maintain your convictions and your perspective, but don't weigh yourself down with guilt or dwell on past mistakes. You won't learn anything unless you stumble, provided you recognize the error and work to ensure you don't repeat it—or at least, that you make fewer mistakes moving forward. That is how progress is made, I suppose.👍

Quincy:

I desperately need patience and persistence right now, but...

You know what you need—so allow yourself that grace.😉

Quincy:

My mood shifts in a split second whenever a negative thought crosses my mind, and that’s where I hit a wall. It reaches a point where normal conversation feels impossible because I find a connection to everything.😢

It is probably better if I don't discuss my internal states with you.😬

p.s. if you ask me, everything is interconnected and conditional... which isn't really surprising, given how much humanity has invented versus what we've actually perceived. I suppose we have essentially shackled ourselves by obsessively creating categories, rigid systems, and measurement scales. In doing so, we've effectively stifled our own ability to grasp the "unknown," even when that unknown is our very essence—our core being—whether we encounter it in fragments or in its entirety.

🙄 goodness, I really went on a tangent there 😬

I’ve only read your initial post—I haven't scrolled through the comments yet. Just the first one, though. Someone mentioned this is all very straightforward, and believe me—they aren't wrong. It really is. You have to start accepting that not everything swirling around in your head is actually true; it’s just an old pattern of thinking you've fallen into—a cycle of automatic negativity. It's actually quite easy to fight once you realize it's built on lies. If you say you're 20 or 30 pounds heavier than your ideal weight, that might be a fact—not a lie—but trust me, those negative thoughts tend to snowball until they reach totally unrealistic proportions. You have to grasp that a huge chunk of what you're feeling is simply false. If you're interested in cognitive therapy to help shift those thought patterns, feel free to shoot me a DM. Also, if you're looking to lose weight... I'm currently following a customized meal plan tailored to specific weight, height, and goals. You can get something similar, along with a personalized workout plan, for just $33 during a current promotion—not from me, obviously, but I can point you in the right direction to find it easily. If $33 is too steep for you, I can send you my own plan for free just to try out. Mine worked for me, and my friend lost about 20 pounds using hers while I lost 10.
Sorry for the messy formatting below—it's late, I'm heading to bed, and I'm rushing 😁 for the most part. If you're interested, I'm happy to help; just message me privately 🙂
peace

Donna White50 said:Those "extra" pounds you say you have? They aren't actually the problem... they're just how you're compensating. You're projecting this negative self-image onto your physical appearance—thinking that being overweight means you don't deserve happiness, or pleasure, or for things to get better in life.
Even if you hit your goal weight—which isn't even that hard, just a few months of dieting—you probably wouldn't feel any better. Honestly, it might be easier to stay a little curvy just so you have a reason to feel bad... We all have this tendency to spiral like that, looking for external proof of our internal insecurities, whether it’s through how we look or how we act (like telling ourselves "I don't deserve to go out," "I don't deserve a relationship," or "I don't deserve success").
But you also have this drive to prove yourself because of those deep-seated insecurities, except you only focus on things you can totally control—like perfectionism, crushing it at college, or keeping up appearances with friends...
The second anything slips out of your absolute control—like going out, being in a new environment, meeting strangers, or even dating a guy—you just totally freak out and all those negative emotions come crashing down like an avalanche...

It feels like you haven't actually built real self-confidence yet; you've just built a way to compensate for its absence. It's like you're on a scale—on one side, you've got this pile of self-doubt and negativity, and on the other, you're trying to balance it out with personal achievements, intelligence, and social life...
As soon as that balance shifts, your whole world feels like it's falling apart...
If you actually had genuine confidence, you wouldn't give a damn about ten extra pounds, what people think of you, or what your parents think. You'd tell anyone exactly what's on your mind without worrying about being judged. You'd go out and socialize because you actually want to have fun, and you'd date someone because you want to express your feelings and your sexuality with someone who's actually attractive, fun, and catches your eye...

So, just really think about whether what I'm saying rings true. Real confidence comes from doing the inner work. From what I can tell, you have a pretty decent life, so you shouldn't be struggling this much...

Could you please elaborate on that? How specifically does one build confidence through self-work?

Maria Newman14 said:Could you please elaborate on that? How specifically does one build confidence through self-work?

I always find myself wondering... is this question genuine, or is someone just messing around?🤔🤦

Regardless, the answer to the question of self-confidence is actually right here—and I am referring to the original poster herself.
A lack of confidence can be masked, certainly, but not from everyone, can it? Not really. Furthermore, one develops certain behavioral patterns, habits, which eventually become unnecessary once circumstances shift or enough time passes. But therein lies the rub... the habit!

There exist psychophysical exercises—quite banal and quite simple, really—to reclaim one's confidence, especially if that deficiency is, from my perspective, largely unjustified. Which is what I believe your lack of confidence is.

It is rather amusing to me, isn't it? How we can achieve so much for ourselves in just a few steps, yet we remain such global slackers? And on top of that, we love to "tweak" the truth because it feels good in the moment or fits our current narrative.

So, let’s see... 1. Start accepting compliments. Don't overanalyze what was said or why it was said. There are plenty of sincere people out there who simply say what they think.
2. Make it a point during conversations to look people in the eye. By doing so, you project a sort of dominant presence that the interlocutor instinctively senses. It grants you the necessary time to navigate how the conversation will unfold.
3. You really ought to change your wardrobe habits; change your style. You have nothing to lose. Play around with your image a little. People perceive changes in us regardless of what we might think.

4. Even after those initial three steps, you will present yourself to the world in a completely different light, which will open doors for you to pursue what you want without fear!
It might be something trivial that no one else notices, but you will know whether you succeeded or not.
After a while, you will begin to receive signs from others—unconscious attempts to help you—even if it isn't always obvious. It can create these lovely moments when you realize you have made an impression.

That is how you build trust in yourself. Of course, everything takes time, but results are what truly matter, aren't they? And once you believe in yourself, then you can stand up for yourself, fight for your place, and so on... and that is that. Self-confidence will be exactly where you want it to be.🙂