I lost everything... everything. Or did I?

Hi everyone.

To understand the situation, I should probably lead with a key fact—I’m gay. I’ve also been dealing with mental health issues for a few years now. It’s a mix of depression and anxiety, specifically phobias. To be more precise, large crowds trigger me. Being in high-density areas causes intense stress, which manifests physically—stomach issues, vomiting, weight loss (and I was already thin), and then slipping back into depression. It's a vicious cycle.

Last year, I met this amazing guy while visiting the coast (I’m originally from the Midwest). We hit it off immediately, so I started looking for work urgently. I found a job relatively quickly and moved out there to be with him. We started living together. Life with him is wonderful. Sure, we have the usual minor arguments or tensions, nothing out of the ordinary. Everyone goes through that.

Since my initial job didn't pay much, I kept applying elsewhere. Eventually, a larger corporation called me in. The salary was better, and everything seemed perfect.
I should mention that I had been working at an agency and was in therapy at the time, though I decided to stop on my own because I thought I’d overcome certain fears. I felt more communicative and open. Like a different person.

Then things went sideways. I quit the agency, moved to this new firm for a receptionist role, telling myself: just act like you did at the agency—be polite, smile, and you'll be fine. Simple, right?
But the residual stress from the old job combined with the pressure of the new one hit me hard. I dropped to 103 pounds. A literal skeleton. My doctor sent me straight to a psychiatrist, and they put me back on medication, which I am now taking strictly.

Because of all this, I had to resign from my current position, and I'm currently serving my notice period. I cry every single day. I cried today on my way to work. I tried hiding from my coworkers to weep, but they noticed. The tears just come. I’m crying because I love my boyfriend so much, and what have I done? I gambled away a stable job and a lower salary for the sake of a "better" career move.
It’s difficult because I know I’ll eventually have to head back home and leave him behind. I keep telling myself I'm pathetic, incompetent, and just a failure.

I blew it all... everything. I feel like a weakling who can't even lift a pencil. Mentally, I'm broken. I don't tell my family back home the details of how bad it actually is.

My boyfriend says I should stay with him; he has a steady job and earns a decent living. But I refuse to be a burden to anyone. I don't want to sit around the apartment all day while he works. It feels humiliating. He insists he won't let me go and that I stay. He understands because he’s dealt with similar mental health struggles. He suggested I take a month off after my notice period ends—just to recover physically and mentally. Then, start over slowly. He says he's with me and everything will be okay.

What should I do? Clearly, being a receptionist isn't for me; the panic attacks return whenever I'm around crowds. Even a simple trip to the grocery store is exhausting because of all the tourists.

I have a follow-up with my psychiatrist coming up, but what comes after that? People say everything happens for a reason. I just hope there's something better on the horizon, because this hell I'm living through is getting harder to endure.

Jeffrey Mendoza4 said:Hi everyone.

To understand the situation, I should probably lead with a key fact—I’m gay. I’ve also been dealing with mental health issues for a few years now. It’s a mix of depression and anxiety, specifically phobias. To be more precise, large crowds trigger me. Being in high-density areas causes intense stress, which manifests physically—stomach issues, vomiting, weight loss (and I was already thin), and then slipping back into depression. It's a vicious cycle.

Last year, I met this amazing guy while visiting the coast (I’m originally from the Midwest). We hit it off immediately, so I started looking for work urgently. I found a job relatively quickly and moved out there to be with him. We started living together. Life with him is wonderful. Sure, we have the usual minor arguments or tensions, nothing out of the ordinary. Everyone goes through that.

Since my initial job didn't pay much, I kept applying elsewhere. Eventually, a larger corporation called me in. The salary was better, and everything seemed perfect.
I should mention that I had been working at an agency and was in therapy at the time, though I decided to stop on my own because I thought I’d overcome certain fears. I felt more communicative and open. Like a different person.

Then things went sideways. I quit the agency, moved to this new firm for a receptionist role, telling myself: just act like you did at the agency—be polite, smile, and you'll be fine. Simple, right?
But the residual stress from the old job combined with the pressure of the new one hit me hard. I dropped to 103 pounds. A literal skeleton. My doctor sent me straight to a psychiatrist, and they put me back on medication, which I am now taking strictly.

Because of all this, I had to resign from my current position, and I'm currently serving my notice period. I cry every single day. I cried today on my way to work. I tried hiding from my coworkers to weep, but they noticed. The tears just come. I’m crying because I love my boyfriend so much, and what have I done? I gambled away a stable job and a lower salary for the sake of a "better" career move.
It’s difficult because I know I’ll eventually have to head back home and leave him behind. I keep telling myself I'm pathetic, incompetent, and just a failure.

I blew it all... everything. I feel like a weakling who can't even lift a pencil. Mentally, I'm broken. I don't tell my family back home the details of how bad it actually is.

My boyfriend says I should stay with him; he has a steady job and earns a decent living. But I refuse to be a burden to anyone. I don't want to sit around the apartment all day while he works. It feels humiliating. He insists he won't let me go and that I stay. He understands because he’s dealt with similar mental health struggles. He suggested I take a month off after my notice period ends—just to recover physically and mentally. Then, start over slowly. He says he's with me and everything will be okay.

What should I do? Clearly, being a receptionist isn't for me; the panic attacks return whenever I'm around crowds. Even a simple trip to the grocery store is exhausting because of all the tourists.

I have a follow-up with my psychiatrist coming up, but what comes after that? People say everything happens for a reason. I just hope there's something better on the horizon, because this hell I'm living through is getting harder to endure.

Your fears are really just reflections of deep-seated insecurities and how you view yourself. You're holding onto this idea that you aren't capable or worthy enough to make solid decisions, or that people will hurt you because you're "weaker" than them, so you perceive everyone as a threat. You feel like you can't stand your ground, so you don't even try. When life knocks you down, you turn that anger inward and beat yourself up because you can't accept the fact that humans make mistakes, or that life is sometimes just unfair. Your boyfriend's support isn't helping you feel secure because you're stuck in a loop of self-criticism—a loop fueled by a million different fears that no amount of kind words, support, or hugs can ever truly break...

Look, you’ve got some serious soul-searching ahead of you—just give yourself some grace and time to breathe...
A new job will come along...
You’re a good person—smart, capable, and genuinely decent
Life is really just about stacking up experiences, even the messy ones...
The rough patches always pass, but please, don't let this slump kill your confidence...
Relationships aren't forever—just enjoy the love while it's there and cherish the moments...
Work on finding your voice. Fear of people is usually just fear of getting hurt. Once you start expressing yourself and standing up for what you need, people stop seeing you as someone they can push around or mock, and start seeing you as someone worth connecting with...
If people make you feel uncomfortable in any way, just cut them loose. You don't owe everyone your time—your job is actually to pick the people who bring good vibes into your life instead...
The weight of your sexuality is heavy, too. You know most people out there aren't exactly accepting of gay folks, and that’s a huge burden to carry. I get that it isn't easy... that's why you have to stay strong and not let their opinions mess with your head...

And hey, man, eat something. Go to the store, grab something sweet or hearty, put on a movie, read something cool, and just pig out for a bit...
Also, a little exercise wouldn't hurt. It makes you look better and honestly, it's a massive confidence booster. Work out at home, focus on yourself... find stuff that makes you feel positive...
Change your username, seriously. If you keep picking names like that, you're never gonna catch a break, trust me... I've been through way worse messes than this...

Focus on minimalism and your core priorities. Just try to gather your strength bit by bit... slowly. Cut out all the nonsense and the external pressures... if I had done that from the very beginning, maybe navigating some of this garbage would have been much easier, but now, at most, I can only warn you about my own mistakes. Since you mentioned you feel broken—well, damn—everything is going to feel heavy. But you write with reason; you have a solid foundation to start over. It won’t be easy, obviously, but just stay persistent and take it one step at a time. The real question is what kind of character you possess and how you treat yourself. Try to get to know yourself amidst these unfortunate circumstances and, perhaps more importantly, try to be your own friend.

.. clearly... you need that more than ever. And honestly, who else are you going to trust if you can't even trust yourself? 👍

You haven't blown it all just yet, but you’re definitely heading down that path.
Look, you’ve got a solid relationship here—a partner who actually cares about you, gets you, and has your back.
So why on earth are you pushing away the one person in your life who is actually trying to help?
If the roles were reversed, you’d be stepping up for them, wouldn't you?
Seriously, give this some thought. This is a pattern you need to break. If you don't deal with it now, it's just going to haunt you later when things get even more complicated.

And hey, you messed up. So what? Everyone trips up sometimes; the important thing is actually learning from the mistake.

You're asking what happens next. Honestly? It's not the catastrophe you're making it out to be. You finish out your notice period, take a little breather, stick to your medication schedule, and find a low-stress job to get your feet under you. Talk to your doctor, breathe, and just let things settle back into place naturally.
I’d also suggest looking into psychotherapy. Just do a quick search for whatever specialists or clinics are available in your area.

Thanks for all the input. I just have to finish out this notice period first, then everything should start looking up, I guess.

Jeffrey Mendoza4 said:Thanks for all the input. I just have to finish out this notice period first, then everything should start looking up, I guess.

What I really need is a pink slip 😢 ... I’d probably find work immediately if I just had the option to quit again without all this hassle 😬

But then again, there's plenty of material here to work with... so;

It’s actually quite fascinating to me 🙂 how these supposedly "capable" individuals possess enough entrepreneurial spirit to somehow convince others to do their actual work for them. Then, presumably due to some sort of overwhelming surplus of competence, they begin whining and spreading such utter nonsense that they suddenly can't afford payroll, or how overhead is suffocating them—it's just a cycle of pure incompetence wrapped in a layer of self-pity and delusional complex lies.🤮

Look, you haven't blown anything. Seriously, nothing. It’s just one job that didn't work out. You aren't meant to love every single gig you land, and there's honestly no point in killing yourself over something you're clearly not cut out for.
Your guy is being your rock here—and he’s right. You’re going to bounce back, take some much-needed downtime, and that's that. And yeah, obviously you're going to lean on him; you shouldn't be heading home all miserable. That would just spiral you even further into a hole. Also, please stop stressing him out by constantly talking about leaving. You aren't really going to dump him just because you made one bad call (skipping your meds), right? You realized you messed up, went to see your doctor, and fixed it. End of story. Just wait for your medication to kick in; things will start looking a lot clearer. Tomorrow morning, just get up, tidy up the apartment, hit the grocery store, and whip up some lunch for both of you. Consider that a win for the both of you while you're recovering.
And seriously, change your username. If you're constantly reading posts by Jeffrey Mendoza4, you're just going to end up internalizing that whole "helpless" vibe.

neontiger4 said:Look, you haven't blown anything. Seriously, nothing. It’s just one job that didn't work out. You aren't meant to love every single gig you land, and there's honestly no point in killing yourself over something you're clearly not cut out for.
Your guy is being your rock here—and he’s right. You’re going to bounce back, take some much-needed downtime, and that's that. And yeah, obviously you're going to lean on him; you shouldn't be heading home all miserable. That would just spiral you even further into a hole. Also, please stop stressing him out by constantly talking about leaving. You aren't really going to dump him just because you made one bad call (skipping your meds), right? You realized you messed up, went to see your doctor, and fixed it. End of story. Just wait for your medication to kick in; things will start looking a lot clearer. Tomorrow morning, just get up, tidy up the apartment, hit the grocery store, and whip up some lunch for both of you. Consider that a win for the both of you while you're recovering.
And seriously, change your username. If you're constantly reading posts by Jeffrey Mendoza4, you're just going to end up internalizing that whole "helpless" vibe.

Just swap the "help" for an "i" and call it "helplessness"😬

You haven't wasted anything—not by a long shot. Every single one of us is constantly striving to reach for something better, something higher—it’s just part of being human, isn't it? Please, stop beating yourself up and carrying around this heavy sense of guilt or feeling like you're somehow less than you were before. There will always be work available—jobs are always out there if you're looking. We all go through these stretches—those inevitable good days and bad ones—it's just the rhythm of life. You have to believe in yourself and what you're capable of. Just keep your head up—don't dwell on what's behind you, just focus on what's ahead. 👍