Dealing with anxiety and parents

slyjackal32 said:She raised that son of hers—and if he turns out to be a nightmare to her and his own kid, then she probably bears at least some responsibility for that outcome, doesn't she?

All those little gestures—the grandmother handing over cash for ice cream or calling you three times a year for a birthday—it just doesn't hold any weight for me. You mentioned yourself how much they obsess over appearances. And honestly, I won't even touch that "walking through a minefield" comment. Look, we aren't all cut from the same cloth, but I’m just trying to point out that you’ve got it wrong here—you need to start looking out for yourself instead of constantly walking on eggshells just to appease some selfish old lady.

In my opinion, the best move would be for you to just move in with them, act as their full-time housekeeper, and nurse them until the very end. After all, she’s getting older, and he’s aging too—health isn't what it used to be. And once they finally pass, they’ll probably leave the house to the Red Cross or the neighbor’s dog in their will; after all, they don't truly know you, and to them, you're just an outsider who was hovering around in their final days just to snatch the property. The truth is, you two were never really close to begin with.

Timothy Fowler said:

I don't know what kind of nonsense people are trying to pull lately, but let's be clear about one thing: if you're looking for mindless chatter or some sort of unearned validation, you've come to the wrong place. I have zero interest in entertaining fluff. People seem to think they can just drift through life without having a firm grasp on reality, but that's a mistake. You either have a point to make, or you're just wasting everyone's time. Period. Timothy Fowler says:
Timothy Fowler, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but being a perfect parent doesn't actually change the reality of the situation. You can be flawless in everything you do, but you still have to face the hard truth: some parents simply choose to walk away from their children. It’s a harsh reality, but it's one you just have to accept.

I haven't had my dad around since I was thirteen, ever since the divorce went down. Throughout high school, I spent half my life just hoping for a chance to actually see him. Out of five different attempts at meeting up, we only managed to make it happen once—and let me tell you, he completely screwed me over.

If he dropped dead today, I wouldn't even show up to his funeral. He’s been completely wiped from my life—he simply doesn't exist to me anymore. I’m not going to get into the messy details, but honestly, I see myself in parts of your story.

I’d honestly suggest you distance yourself from your mother sooner rather than later. You really need to look into some professional counseling or some kind of psychological support to help you navigate this. If you're actually dealing with that level of toxicity like you claimed, you can't just sit there and take it—you need to deal with it head-on.

Look, you need to face reality: the older you get, the harder it becomes to walk away. You better make your break now while you still have the chance.

Hey there.

Well, the problem is finally solved. I gave my grandmother one last call, because frankly, I’m done asking when I can drop by just to sit there and listen to her endless excuses about why she isn't home. It's pretty obvious she doesn't actually want me around, so honestly, good luck to them. It hurts, I won't lie, but I've spent way too much energy trying to force something that clearly isn't there.

Since last year, I’ve been calling her almost every single week just to check in and see when I can come by for a visit. My brother and I last made the trip out there back in November.

I honestly don't care anymore. Her sister is throwing this massive party this weekend to celebrate a wedding anniversary, and of course, I wasn't invited. Not that I ever am, but naturally, I’ll still hear every single detail about it before and after the fact. There’s this aunt of hers who acts like she owns the social scene—always connected, always knows everyone—and she could have easily helped me land a job more times than I can count. But she refused. She had this rigid idea in her head that I was going to stick with music, finish my conservatory training, and end up working in some high-end theater production. It wasn't that I didn't want to pursue that path; it just wasn't financially feasible at the time. We had much higher priorities to fund, like my brother's private school tuition and everything else. So, I made the practical choice and enrolled in a different university program. She hasn't missed an opportunity to rub salt in the wound, though. Through various intermediaries—since there's no point in me confronting her directly—I constantly hear her lecturing me about how I "should have taken control of my life." As if I chose to walk away from music out of spite. It’s ridiculous. The truth is, I simply don't fit into that family dynamic, and looking back, I was foolish to even try to blend in.

Honestly, regarding that funeral and the whole idea of actually showing up—count me out. I’m certain now. I’ve spent years chewing on this, but it’s all become crystal clear lately. He is a complete piece of work. The way he manipulates people and brainwashes them while playing the victim is just pathetic. To be honest, my biggest fear right now is accidentally turning into someone like him.🙄 I honestly think my mother was constantly terrified that I’d end up becoming a carbon copy of him.

I honestly can’t tell which of my parents is worse; they are both absolute bottom-of-the-barrel role models. I feel like I have zero clue how to actually behave in a healthy relationship or what a functional marriage even looks like, because everything in our house is just fundamentally broken. My mom has completely settled for this guy she met while traveling through Europe—one of the best people I’ve ever met, truly, a total risk-taker who genuinely loves her—but she just spends years stringing him along, making all these empty promises. It’s pathetic. Watching her manipulate him like that makes me sick.

When it comes to the rift between me and my family—it’s already set in stone. Just because we happen to live in the same house doesn't mean anything; they couldn't care less about me. We just tolerate each other's presence. I might have a decent relationship with my brother, but my sisters? As soon as they walk through the door, they treat me like I’m absolute trash. This hasn't been a one-off thing, either; it’s been going on for years, all with my mother’s silent approval, of course. Honestly, I think she’s still secretly holding out hope that my stepfather might leave me some kind of inheritance. 😵

Let’s talk about relationships, because I’ve got a situation that’s driving me up the wall. My boyfriend seems to have zero interest in actually being there for me. When I’m having a total meltdown or feeling like absolute garbage, he doesn't feel the slightest urge to comfort me or even show that he gives a damn about how much I'm struggling. It's infuriating. Whenever I try to vent about something negative happening in my life—especially when it involves my family—he just checks out completely. To him, anything involving my relatives is just "negative noise," so he refuses to engage at all. He offers absolutely no reaction, no empathy, nothing. Honestly, it feels like the man I fell for has been replaced by a complete stranger who couldn't care less.

I honestly have no clue how much psychotherapy it actually takes to sort this out. I don't have the cash to be paying out-of-pocket for private specialists, and if I try to go through my insurance or public health clinics, I'll be sitting on a waiting list for months. Even if I do get an appointment at one of those free community clinics, nobody actually gives a damn; they just go through the motions to check a box. At least, that's been my experience so far.

Carl Moore8 said:I'm so sorry, because I've been exactly where you are. I'd set up a time to meet, and the guy would just ghost me or ignore my messages. Once that happens a few times, you finally wake up and realize there was never going to be a real father-daughter bond there.

I don't think I lost anything (other than the "gift" of memories from a traumatic childhood, I guess). Of course, I'm fully aware even today that some things stay with you and that I've been carrying them for way too long, but I refuse to let them break me. I try not to dwell on it. I'm just thankful to God that my mom was sensible enough to walk away from him when she did.

I can't believe the stuff about your boyfriend. Has he always acted like this, or is this a recent shift in his personality?

As for the therapy situation, I unfortunately don't have any advice for you—hopefully someone else on the forum who's dealt with this will chime in.

I'm rooting for you! You're going to get through all of this! 👍 🙂

Timothy Fowler said:I'm not going. I reached out to someone through a forum about therapy, but they were strictly looking for people in Los Angeles, and I'm all the way in Seattle. I don't have the money for private sessions, and if I go through state assistance, I'll just be stuck with some mediocre psychologist who’s just punching a clock. I've lost my faith in psychologists altogether after getting burned once. Imagine a professional spending months scribbling nonsense in notebooks while the four of us kids came in to "confess" our troubles, only for her to end up having to transcribe those messy notes just to make them legible for a court case. And this was supposed to be a center for abused children, lol. I really don't need a repeat of that. I don't trust anyone anymore; they're all just actors.

boldnomad45;54515643 said:Unfortunately, I don't know much about social services myself—I haven't had much experience there. I'm pretty sure you'd need a private therapist, so if you have the cash. You might want to look into group sessions through some state agency, or maybe check out religious support if you're a believer, I don't know.
I don't know what field you're currently in, but you really ought to consider pivoting toward something with high demand abroad. Think software engineering, nursing, or caregiving. If you pick up a language like German or Norwegian, you’ll definitely find work overseas and actually live like a human being. Honestly, there isn't much holding you back here.

Thanks for the input. I don't really have a specialized trade yet; I finished high school, but I've been dragging my feet through college for years because money is such a mess. I'm paying my own way through an extension program, which isn't cheap. To make matters worse, I have to commute 124 miles just to get to campus, so gas and transit are constant drains on my wallet. As for paying for retraining or courses for a whole new career? I can't afford that either. It's a vicious cycle.
Regarding the connection issue—I'm not sure what to do. Maybe I'll start a new thread to talk about that specifically. 😵