How to forgive and move on?

neonsurfer2 said:Thanks for sharing this!
If you're comfortable sharing, what was your father actually like to you? What's the biggest grudge you hold against him? But hey, totally fine if you don't want to dig through those memories... How is your relationship with him nowadays?

Roger Scott17

There was this one time back when I was just a kid—and honestly, while he was hitting me—I genuinely thought he was going to kill me. It’s honestly pathetic—they don't even have the decency to remember beating me... I guess some people just lack that basic level of accountability.

This is it. This is exactly how he does it—he never actually admits to anything, instead acting like he doesn't even remember the things he did. And let’s get one thing straight: it wasn't just some case of "she got a little bit disciplined." I was being beaten until I bled. For no reason at all. It was as if that man was physically allergic to my very existence. I could barely draw a breath near him without triggering one of his violent outbursts. To this day, I honestly can't wrap my head around what I could have possibly done to provoke that kind of behavior. I was just a small, quiet, gentle kid—completely harmless—so it still feels impossible to process how someone can inflict that much damage on their own child for absolutely no reason. Even the most vicious animals wouldn't do something like that.

If I actually tried to bring this up to him, he’d just give me that look—you know the one—and ask what on earth I’m talking about. He'd tell me I'm blowing things out of proportion or, worse, flat-out deny he ever laid a hand on me. I mean, seriously? Who's the crazy one here? It’s honestly exhausting—this man has this uncanny, almost surgical ability to make you question your own reality, all while being a master manipulator. And the worst part is how he plays it for the crowd. To anyone looking in from the outside, he’s the picture of the perfect, devoted husband and father. No one would ever suspect a thing. I guess some people just have this bizarre, built-in mechanism where they can completely scrub every bad thing they've ever done from their memory, leaving only the highlights they can brag about. It's like they live in a different version of history entirely.

After that whole "incident," I basically just grabbed my things and walked out. We didn't see each other or even exchange a word for quite a while. Eventually, things reached a point where it actually started feeling kind of ridiculous—whenever we happened to end up in the same room, he’d just look away, acting like he was trying to dodge my very existence. I guess maybe he finally had a moment of clarity—or perhaps his conscience finally decided to kick in—and he remembered exactly how he'd behaved. It felt like he was actually feeling some regret. I’m certainly not sitting around waiting for an apology from him—he’s far too much of an egomaniac for that—but there is a certain level of satisfaction in knowing I managed to get under his skin enough to make him reflect on his actions. Seeing that flicker of remorse in his eyes was honestly enough for me.
After some time passed, we finally started talking again—and things are fine now, I guess. I’m not exactly expecting some deep, cinematic bond or anything; it’s not like we're living in an American movie or anything quite that dramatic—but we’ve reached a point where we can have a normal conversation without it being weird.

Roger Scott17 said:

I’ve got this one specific person in my life right now—someone who really changes things—and being around them actually makes me realize just how much... well, I guess it’s hard to put a finger on exactly what I'm seeing. It’s a bit of a revelation, honestly. Unbelievable. I’ve been thinking quite a bit about my relationship with men—or rather, how I navigate them—and it’s a bit of a mess, honestly. He gave me so much attention and support, truly, more than I probably deserved, yet I find myself stuck in this constant cycle of testing him. I just can't seem to let my guard down, no matter how much I try. It’s like there’s this invisible barrier I can’t break through, and I don't even know if I’ll ever be able to fully relax and just... exist with someone. It’s exhausting, really. And honestly? It breaks my heart. I end up crying over the whole thing—over the wasted potential, the lack of trust, and the fact that I’m my own biggest obstacle. It's a lot to carry.

This is another massive hurdle for me—honestly, I feel pretty bad for the men in my life. I’m constantly skeptical, maybe even bordering on paranoid at times; I just can't seem to take their word for it when they say they love me. It feels like they’re stuck in this endless loop of having to prove their affection over and over again, and frankly, it’s exhausting for everyone involved. Even when someone actually tries to be vulnerable or show some genuine emotion, I find myself doubting them—I start spinning these elaborate excuses in my head about why they might be acting so kind, as if there must be some ulterior motive. Most of the time, though, I just end up gravitating toward men who are completely emotionally unavailable. And then there are those moments where I’ll just suddenly loathe them for no discernible reason—it’s like I’m carrying around this misplaced resentment for something they haven't even done. It’s honestly a bit nauseating when I really sit down and think about it—I just don't seem to know how to interact with men in a way that's actually healthy or normal.

I’m not entirely sure how much this all ties together—though, honestly, it probably does—but I’ve noticed this one glaring indicator. It’s like, whenever we’re just joking around and my partner makes some sudden movement with their hand, I’ll practically jump a foot in the air. It always turns into one of those awkward little moments where I’m just sitting there thinking, *I really hope they didn't notice anything weird,* before I try to play it off and go back to being silly. I absolutely hate when that happens. It pops up out of nowhere every once in a while, and in those moments, it hits me just how much I'm actually struggling...

Donna White50 said:Honestly, nobody can mess with our heads quite like our parents can—you’ve probably realized that by now. And since you mentioned seeing a psychiatrist, I'm guessing you didn't quite get what you went there for. It sounds like you haven't really looked deep enough into yourself or your relationship with your folks to figure out why you act the way you do today. Without that, it’s tough to move forward. You have to get to the core of that parent-child dynamic, spot those negative patterns, and try to flip them into something positive. Otherwise, you're just scratching the surface. You see the depression, the anxiety, and the fear of intimacy, but you might not realize that underneath all that, there’s just a little girl who’s desperately craving love and attention—someone who was left out in the cold by parents whose expectations were so overwhelming that she’s now terrified of being rejected. It makes sense why you struggle to show who you really are...

You really need to realize that your dad isn't some ultimate authority anymore. He shouldn't be. He’s just a guy with his own set of flaws and virtues, just like anyone else. Trust me, he was trying to raise you the best way he knew how—he just didn't have better tools. Because of his own shortcomings and the lack of love he likely received from his own parents, he couldn't give you more. So, stop treating him like he holds all the power. Try, truly try, to forgive him for every tear you shed and every bit of pain he caused. Maybe try talking to him and being open; even if he doesn't totally "get" it, it's vital for you, as an adult, to finally voice your feelings and set some boundaries. Don't let your knees shake when you're standing in front of him. Don't spend your adulthood trying to check someone else's boxes. Things with your boyfriend will start to settle once you decide to speak up clearly about your needs and feelings—and hopefully, he meets you halfway. Right now, there's just too much suppressed pain inside you, not enough self-esteem, and way too much fear of rejection and people-pleasing. Leave that traumatic past behind you. Live in the here and now, because that's where you actually have the chance to make things better... Wishing you the best on this journey, though it definitely takes time and a lot of soul-searching...🙂

Honestly, a huge THANK YOU for your posts. They were the reality check I desperately needed. Thanks for the good vibes and the solid advice.🙂

James Foster4 said:I'm just glad if I can help even a little bit... once you really process everything in your head and decide which direction your relationship is going to take, maybe try not to get swayed if your father starts playing the victim. You know, acting all old and lonely... they can be so manipulative like that.

I'm well aware that's how he plays it... he's actually tried that move a few times over the last few years.
But I'm done feeling sorry for him like I used to. The guilt is just gone. Honestly, I'm looking at him through a completely different lens now. It feels like a total rebirth, almost..

Even yesterday, out of nowhere, I felt this sudden surge of "hello" anger toward them. And the kicker? Zero guilt. My anger was TOTALLY JUSTIFIED, which, honestly, feels UNBELIEVABLE right now.

I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I can seriously feel this shift inside me!! It’s like a weight has been lifted, or like I've finally broken free from these chains..

Maria Price3—honestly, I feel seen by your post!
I’ve sat there wondering the exact same thing: how can someone act so wild and aggressive toward a sweet, gentle kid?
It’s my dad, too. He puts on this charming, lovable face, and people just eat him up.

As for relationships… yeah, I definitely get suspicious when someone’s actually nice to me. It’s like—
What’s the angle here? What does he really want?? Why is he being so kind? Where’s the catch?
It sounds ridiculous even saying it out loud!!
I think I’m finally starting to settle down a bit regarding those intrusive thoughts, though. Things are looking up, hopefully..
I totally get where you're coming from. 

Why bother with forgiveness?

Lawrence Bailey77 said:Why bother with forgiveness?

Honestly, I don't care what you call it anymore. I just let him live his life,
whatever he does or how he acts doesn't touch me anymore. I guess it's because I finally realized his behavior was never my responsibility. I wasn't to blame for his outbursts, and he never actually had the power to grant me "value" or take it away.
If people want to label this "forgiveness," fine. If not, who cares? I'm done playing the pity card, I'm done hunting for justice, and I'm definitely done being the victim. It’s a pretty great feeling, actually.

Olivia Smith75 said:Come on now, 🙂

Give someone a chance to actually get close to you. Honestly, I think a little love and attention would do you some good. And stop being so reckless with these wild conclusions and theories—someone else will eventually hear you out.

Hehe 😁 Not gonna happen..

Oprah Winfrey preached forgiveness for everyone, but I have to wonder—where does that leave me in all this? Am I really expected to forgive at any cost?
What if I just can't bring myself to do it?
What would Friedrich Nietzsche even have to say about this whole mess? 🙂
Think about someone who is completely authentic, someone truly at one with themselves. What would a person like that do? What would someone do if they actually followed their raw impulses and respected their own feelings?
They wouldn't forgive, damn it. They’d tell that father to go to hell, and through that honest expression, they would liberate themselves. They would feel those invisible, yet very much real, shackles finally snap and fall away.
In my opinion, being forced to forgive too much only alienates us from our true selves. It feels like some sort of socio-moral-religious fetish designed to make us compliant little followers.
Sometimes, you shouldn't forgive, and you shouldn't feel an ounce of guilt for it either. You have to be strong.

I honestly think there are two totally different ways to look at forgiveness, like two separate categories of the whole concept.

The first kind is purely internal—it’s just yours. It’s that private process you go through within yourself to find peace, regardless of what anyone else does. You handle it your way, on your own terms, and nobody else even needs to be involved.

Then there’s the second kind, which involves someone else—someone who actually caused you pain, went out of their way to be unfair, or just straight-up hurt you. Even if they eventually come to you and sincerely apologize—and let's face it, that doesn't happen nearly as often as we'd hope—it's a different beast entirely.

To truly, fully forgive someone in that second category, that person has to actually realize the weight of what they did. They need this deep, internal realization of the damage they caused, followed by genuine remorse. And honestly? That rarely happens unless they experience a bit of that same hardship themselves. Don't sit around waiting for it to just "happen" naturally; most people aren't built that way without a wake-up call.

So, that's my take: you can always work through that first type of forgiveness on your own. But with the second kind? Usually, the conditions just aren't there to make it possible.

Joseph Jones2 said:I honestly think there are two totally different ways to look at forgiveness, like two separate categories of the whole concept.

The first kind is purely internal—it’s just yours. It’s that private process you go through within yourself to find peace, regardless of what anyone else does. You handle it your way, on your own terms, and nobody else even needs to be involved.

Then there’s the second kind, which involves someone else—someone who actually caused you pain, went out of their way to be unfair, or just straight-up hurt you. Even if they eventually come to you and sincerely apologize—and let's face it, that doesn't happen nearly as often as we'd hope—it's a different beast entirely.

To truly, fully forgive someone in that second category, that person has to actually realize the weight of what they did. They need this deep, internal realization of the damage they caused, followed by genuine remorse. And honestly? That rarely happens unless they experience a bit of that same hardship themselves. Don't sit around waiting for it to just "happen" naturally; most people aren't built that way without a wake-up call.

So, that's my take: you can always work through that first type of forgiveness on your own. But with the second kind? Usually, the conditions just aren't there to make it possible.

Precisely so.
Such a level of absolution demands a profound moment of clarity from the transgressor.

You have answered the question I was posing; thank you, 🙂

Grammar issues 😁 My edit expired.
I actually meant "on the part of the one who needs forgiveness."

Got it 🙂

Forgive yourself. It’ll be easier on your soul if you do. 😳 ☕

Was he also beaten by his own parents???

Ronald Jones said:Forgive yourself. It’ll be easier on your soul if you do. 😳 ☕

Was he also beaten by his own parents???

😳 ☕

Yeah, that’s definitely a possibility.

Mainly because it makes things easier for you.

🥱

And honestly, yeah—that isn't even really a flaw in the slightest.

Maria Price3 said:😳 ☕

Yeah, that’s definitely a possibility.

Mainly because it makes things easier for you.

🥱

And honestly, yeah—that isn't even really a flaw in the slightest.

It isn't a flaw. I never said that. -.-