Family issues are destroying me

The story is a bit twisted, so someone might suspect I'm just trolling. I actually registered as a clone specifically because of this situation, but I really don't have the time for trolling and I've been on this forum far too long to find any joy in it.

I feel like I'm about to snap, and since I don't exactly have the cash for psychotherapy, I need to vent what's eating me alive and maybe get some decent advice.

Now, I won't start from my childhood... although I probably should. 😁 But here it is, the last few years, with a brief intro regarding the past:

My father held a pretty high-level position. My mother was perpetually jealous, constantly unhappy that he was rarely home. He was dissatisfied because she spent way too much money on groceries, didn't take care of herself, and spoiled the kids. The fighting was constant. Mom couldn't stand my stepmother. One day, Dad comes home and tells us we're moving to the most impoverished state in the country because he had been stationed there for work, and it would make sense so we weren't so separated. It was strange because being apart had never bothered him before, but Mom jumped at the chance because she thought it would get her away from her mother-in-law, who she blamed for Dad's shitty attitude. I agreed because I didn't want to cause trouble, and because of my own sense of adventure; my brother agreed too, though he was a loner who struggled to fit in, and this felt like a chance for a fresh start.
We moved to that state, but not to the specific city where Dad worked because that city wasn't safe for us at the time, so we were still somewhat distanced 75 miles. We didn't see him any more often than we did before.
Three years after living in that state, my parents were forced into early retirement. Dad was entitled to two different pensions. He refused to take either until he turned 65, even though he was already 50 at the time. We were left without food on the table. After six months of literal hunger, Dad finally snapped out of it and started doing consulting gigs. He refused the pensions for "moral reasons." That’s how he put it. Things improved slightly, and for a while, we were actually doing quite well financially, even if there was zero security. We lived day to day. In the meantime, I grew up, got a job, got married, had a kid, and moved out of the city where my parents live. My brother suffered a severe mental breakdown; he's unable to work or live independently, so he stayed behind with my parents. Dad's business ventures have only gone downhill since then. By the way, they hadn't even set up their electricity properly; they were caught six months ago, and a neighbor let them run off his power on the condition they pay him back. They paid for a while, but when they couldn't, the guy cut them off. Now they're renters, and they have no clue how they'll cover the rent. Dad sold the car for pennies. Recently, he even sold all the photos from the house. He'd sell the house too, but he only has a leasehold interest—he doesn't actually own it. He still refuses to claim his pensions. He's got three years left until he hits the standard retirement age.

I am not wealthy. I still live in that same state where it's incredibly hard to build any stability in your youth if you don't have help from your parents. Neither my husband nor I inherited anything. We both work. We try. We have a beautiful marriage and a wonderful child. We have mortgages and the need to buy our own home, but we have enough for our little family and we aren't complaining.

Last year, my parents were constantly asking us to lend them money. They'd say they'd pay us back as soon as Dad got some cash. It never happened. This year is even worse. They ask for money about once a week. Sometimes I give it to them, sometimes I don't. I only give it to them because of my sick brother.

Last year, I finally learned the truth about why we moved and why my father refuses to touch those pensions. The same year we relocated, a woman in my hometown gave birth to my father's child. He helped raise that kid as much as he could, but once everything started going south for him, about 3 to 5 years ago, he stopped checking in on his own child—my brother. He clearly never wanted the pension money because he didn't want to be stuck paying child support, and he didn't want Mom to find out about his illegitimate kid.

When I finally learned the truth, I was absolutely reeling. I reached out to my brother, we exchanged a few texts, and I promised I'd come visit him—but right when I was supposed to make the trip, tragedy struck. My husband nearly died in a horrific accident. With my entire focus consumed by his recovery, I completely neglected my brother; I didn't even tell him about the accident, nothing at all... I ran away from him the moment life got difficult, acting exactly like my father did. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, I suppose. Once my husband was back on his feet, my thoughts drifted back to my brother. I had no idea how to face him. The shame was overwhelming. Months have passed since then, and I recently found out that his sister went through a devastating ordeal a few months back—something truly, deeply traumatic. I feel this massive, urgent need to reach out to him, to let him know I’m here for him, to contact his sister... Instead, I just sent some money to her account, as much as I could manage, to help out.

As I sit here typing this, my mother is calling me, demanding I send more cash because my brother (not my half-brother, mind you) is hungry.
She knows I can't say no to him...

But it kills me to take resources away from my own child just because my old man refuses to touch his Social Security benefits, which are actually higher than my entire salary.

On top of the sheer awkwardness of trying to reconnect with my brother and his sister, I’ve been eaten alive by guilt whenever I was in contact with them. My parents have no idea that I even know he exists—my mother doesn't even know about him—so I feel like I'm constantly stabbing her in the back, which isn't right.

I know I've dumped a lot on you all, but it really boils down to two things:
How do I rebuild a relationship with my brother and his sister (I call him my brother because "half-brother" feels so cold), and how should I handle my parents' financial demands?

If anyone actually has the patience to read all this, I would be incredibly grateful for any advice you can offer.

It looks like you and your half-brother are both paying the price for your old man's lack of faith. He really screwed things up, didn't he? Once he finally collects his Social Security, he probably should pay you back, though we all know he likely won't. As for whether you should stay in touch with your half-brother, I don't think you owe him anything—at least not through any fault of your own—so that’s entirely up to you. The same goes for elderly parents; children aren't obligated to support them unless they feel a purely personal desire to do so.

It sounds like you’ve been left holding the bag on all of this.
If I were in your shoes, I’d limit my help strictly to my own brother.
And honestly, your old man really ought to just accept those Social Security checks. You can't hide from reality forever, and let's be real—that extra cash would take a massive weight off your shoulders.
As for your half-brother... well, that’s your call to make. Though, if you ask me, you probably should stay in touch with him and his sister.
From what I can gather, your father completely blew it. Or at least, he botched the majority of it. No offense intended.
Try sitting down and having a real talk with him. Try to see where he's coming from. His mistakes shouldn't be a life sentence for you,
or anyone else for that matter. Good luck!

It’s honestly wild how one person can wreck so many lives just because they decided to follow their impulses instead of using their brain for once.
I mean, seriously, people like that should be ashamed—cheaters and liars are just the absolute worst.
I went through your whole post, and man, I can only come to one conclusion: your entire family, plus that other side of the family too, are all just victims of one massive, crooked liar—your dad. Sorry if that sounds super blunt, but honestly, there’s no other way to put it.
If I were you, my advice would be to focus entirely on your kid and your husband. You can help your brother out as much as you're able, but when it comes to him and your mom—if money is actually tight—just do what you can. Personally? If I were in your shoes, I’d have told my old man exactly what I thought of him to his face and then I wouldn't look back. Ever.

Man, if only things were that simple. I honestly wish my dad was just an absolute villain so I could deal with him on my own terms without this crushing guilt eating me alive... But the truth is, in so many ways, he really earned the title of Father of the Century.
He’s the kind of man who played with me constantly whenever he was home, worked three different jobs just so Mom could focus on us (even though he never stopped her from working—in fact, he encouraged her to have a career), and drove halfway across the country straight from a deployment just to see our faces before heading right back into the trenches. He’s the one who would rock my baby all night through those painful colic fits just so I could catch a few hours of sleep, the guy who would show up at my place and clean my entire house while I was stuck at work, and the grandfather my child absolutely adores (though they haven't seen him in ages because of this massive economic recession).

His biggest flaw, though, is that he’s always been a runner; he avoids problems by hoping they’ll just magically resolve themselves (and unfortunately, I’m cut from the same cloth). His other issue is this delusion that money can fix everything, so he’s constantly chasing some massive windfall while barely being able to afford the basics.

The son he actually walked away from tells me he was a wonderful father and doesn't hold anything against him, even though Dad hasn't reached out to him in years. He stays away because he feels like he has nothing to offer without cash in his pocket, and he's desperately banking on some huge payday so he can finally make amends to his son, his other son, me, Mom, and even the woman he had an affair with and her sister (I actually found out about my brother through his aunt reaching out on Facebook to tell me Dad has owed her a massive amount of money for over a decade).

I’ve dealt with plenty of people hounding me because of his debts. I don't mean "hounding" in a way that felt threatening or unsafe, but rather constant calls from collectors looking for his current contact info.

Looking back, Dad really could have had it all. Coming from a low-income family, he built an incredible career, bought a beautiful apartment at a steal (which we sold as soon as we moved out), and he’s incredibly well-educated, both formally and practically—he knows everything. But he blames Mom for every single failure, claiming she was never supportive and blew through all his savings. My mother always loved keeping the fridge stocked with everything under the sun, whether we needed it or not, and she was never much of a saver, but she didn't go out, didn't buy makeup or designer clothes, and certainly didn't travel... I have no idea how she could have spent the millions he claims she wasted on groceries.
I’d say his double life played a pretty significant role in draining his bank account, too.

Every single time I tell him for the billionth time that he needs to sort out his Social Security, he gives me the same old line: "I don't have time to mess around with that; your mother and brother need millions to live, I need to focus on making big money."

That’s been his song and dance for several years now, ever since the recession hit. Before that, he used to claim he was too proud to touch his retirement funds until he turned 65.

My brother isn't capable of living independently, so there's really no way for me to give him any money.

Money.
The issue here is obviously money.
I mean, I don't know... nobody here can actually fix this for you.

From what I can gather, if he would just accept his Social Security benefits, things would improve drastically.

You described your father as an incredibly good man, but does it seem like he feels less valuable just because of money—or rather, the lack of it?
That’s how it looks to me.

Look, money matters, sure, but family matters more. Your relationships are what count. We're all human; we make mistakes. But we shouldn't keep repeating them. It becomes this vicious cycle that eventually starts tearing everything apart.

If this situation keeps going on like this, everyone is going to lose their minds.

I feel especially bad for your brother.
If the way out of this mess is for your father to finally take his pension, then that's what needs to happen. You have to look past pride and stick to what's right.
It's obvious that life would be much easier for all of you.

As for your half-sibling, that's entirely up to you. If you think you know what's smart or what's best, then go ahead and do it. 🙂

P.S.
I apologize if I pushed too hard regarding the pension, but it seems to me that's one of the biggest hurdles here. It would mean steady income for your family, and honestly, it would lighten your own burden too.

Honestly, having a pension would change everything. It would provide a steady stream of income, and if things ever got really tight, I’d step up and help them as much as I could without any resentment.
But even when I do help, I find myself doing it with a massive amount of rage because I’m pulling money straight from my own paycheck—which, quite frankly, is smaller than his monthly pension check. And let's be real, I work my tail off for that salary, yet I could be out of a job tomorrow since we all know how precarious working for a private company in this country can be.
We have been fighting about these pensions for thirteen years now, and he still refuses to budge. I highly doubt he'll ever actually do anything about it.
My theory is that he's dodging the pension just to avoid child support payments, though I can't say for certain. It doesn't entirely make sense, but who knows what's going on behind closed doors when someone keeps that many secrets...

If your old man is already living off your hard work, you really ought to find the backbone to tell him the truth. Otherwise, you’re just wandering around in the dark with no clue why you’re even footing his bills. Who knows what else he’s hiding—maybe there are more illegitimate kids or some even darker skeletons in his closet? For all you know, he might have actually gotten more out of life than you ever did. Was your mother loaded, or was she just one of those women everyone was desperate to marry?

Jason Cooper said:Honestly, having a pension would change everything. It would provide a steady stream of income, and if things ever got really tight, I’d step up and help them as much as I could without any resentment.
But even when I do help, I find myself doing it with a massive amount of rage because I’m pulling money straight from my own paycheck—which, quite frankly, is smaller than his monthly pension check. And let's be real, I work my tail off for that salary, yet I could be out of a job tomorrow since we all know how precarious working for a private company in this country can be.
We have been fighting about these pensions for thirteen years now, and he still refuses to budge. I highly doubt he'll ever actually do anything about it.
My theory is that he's dodging the pension just to avoid child support payments, though I can't say for certain. It doesn't entirely make sense, but who knows what's going on behind closed doors when someone keeps that many secrets...

Hmm, I actually have a feeling it isn't about the alimony. Why?
Because you described your father as a truly good man, someone who genuinely cares about family. Of course, that's a fifty-fifty shot; if your mother isn't aware of his "affair," then maybe that's the real reason.
What you said is absolutely true—you are carrying an enormous burden. You have your own family established with your husband, and your salary certainly isn't high enough for you to be financially responsible for everyone.

I'm sure you've already tried this many times, but try asking him (again) directly, face-to-face, what the actual problem is.
He probably won't open up. To me, your father sounds like the kind of man who carries an immense amount of pride within him.
He would also likely lift a huge weight off his soul if he just spoke up about the other family—about his son. But who knows how the rest of the family would react. From what I can see, you are a very reasonable person.

Hmm, a complicated situation... truly...
I think it all rests on him. I think he knows it too... it's a massive burden, a burden that is (unintentionally) hurting everyone around him. I really hope that time will do its work and that your/your family's situation improves. Truly.

slypilot6 said:If your old man is already living off your hard work, you really ought to find the backbone to tell him the truth. Otherwise, you’re just wandering around in the dark with no clue why you’re even footing his bills. Who knows what else he’s hiding—maybe there are more illegitimate kids or some even darker skeletons in his closet? For all you know, he might have actually gotten more out of life than you ever did. Was your mother loaded, or was she just one of those women everyone was desperate to marry?

Wealthy? Hardly. She was just exceptionally beautiful, quick-witted, and had a solid education. My father always used to say she was as sweet as pie. 🙂

Samuel Evans7 said:Hmm, I actually have a feeling it isn't about the alimony. Why?
Because you described your father as a truly good man, someone who genuinely cares about family. Of course, that's a fifty-fifty shot; if your mother isn't aware of his "affair," then maybe that's the real reason.
What you said is absolutely true—you are carrying an enormous burden. You have your own family established with your husband, and your salary certainly isn't high enough for you to be financially responsible for everyone.

I'm sure you've already tried this many times, but try asking him (again) directly, face-to-face, what the actual problem is.
He probably won't open up. To me, your father sounds like the kind of man who carries an immense amount of pride within him.
He would also likely lift a huge weight off his soul if he just spoke up about the other family—about his son. But who knows how the rest of the family would react. From what I can see, you are a very reasonable person.

Hmm, a complicated situation... truly...
I think it all rests on him. I think he knows it too... it's a massive burden, a burden that is (unintentionally) hurting everyone around him. I really hope that time will do its work and that your/your family's situation improves. Truly.

I don't believe he's avoiding retirement just to dodge paying child support out of guilt. That makes no sense because, as it stands, neither he nor his other family gets anything from it. Instead, I think he's terrified that if money starts being sent to the child, my mother will somehow find out. Still, that feels strange to me since she's never had access to his finances. Furthermore, the woman he had the child with has never actually asked for child support, but perhaps he's worried that might change over time. To make matters even more morbid, my former boss—whose social media profiles I used to manage—received a message from the woman my father has a child with. She was practically begging, lamenting how my old man hasn't checked in on her or the boy in ages. It turns out my former boss and my father are actually good friends. So, there you have it—even the people around me know about this brother I only recently discovered myself.
By the way, Mom has heard quite a bit too, and she often talks about how she suspects Dad has a child with someone else because people have whispered it to her. But since she is pathologically jealous, I never took her seriously before, and she doesn't take herself very seriously either. She just always lives in suspicion.

Everything would have been different if he had just come clean to my mother when the baby was born. She probably would have moved past it. Or maybe they would have divorced. Either way, we all would have been happier. And I would have had the chance to watch my brother grow up. I also found out that my late grandmother, with whom I was very close, knew about my half-brother; they used to hang out often, and she told him many stories about me. But she never shared the secret with me.
I've also learned that my entire extended family knows about him and that they are actually quite close with him.

Hmm...

Maybe your old man was just terrified of how your mother would react?
That actually tracks with me.
He probably never intended to hurt her, but now he’s likely sitting there thinking it's already too late... and if he spoke up now, it would just be an even bigger shock to the system.
I'm right along with you on this—he really should have come clean immediately. Whatever happens, happens.
But this way? This is how problems just pile up one after another...
An environment like that isn't "healthy" for anyone involved.
And honestly, it's a miserable feeling when you start suspecting that everyone is keeping secrets from you...

In my book, the only real solution is this:
just lay all the cards on the table.

Of course, it's a hell of a lot easier said than done...
The situation... I'll say it again... it's not simple at all.

I can see you're incredibly eager to get this all sorted out, but obviously, the ball isn't entirely in your court—it's more on your father's side.
It's a mess...

Jason Cooper said:Wealthy? Hardly. She was just exceptionally beautiful, quick-witted, and had a solid education. My father always used to say she was as sweet as pie. 🙂

So why did he cheat on her then? Are you really certain your father didn't stand to gain anything from marrying your mother? Is there some hidden political dynasty or old-money family connection we aren't aware of?

I have a feeling your mother knows a lot more than you realize, so maybe it’s time for a real conversation with her.

slypilot6 said:So why did he cheat on her then? Are you really certain your father didn't stand to gain anything from marrying your mother? Is there some hidden political dynasty or old-money family connection we aren't aware of?

I have a feeling your mother knows a lot more than you realize, so maybe it’s time for a real conversation with her.

Not a chance. They were just a regular working-class family. My mom always insisted his mother disliked her because of that, and she used to claim my dad had a massive weakness for women with fancy degrees. It turns out she might have been onto something, considering the woman who gave birth to my brother is actually a doctor.

As for why he cheated? Honestly, I can only speculate... After having kids, my mom just let herself go completely; she went from being this stunning, fit blonde to a graying woman struggling with her weight. She basically shut herself inside the house, dedicating every waking second to the kids instead of looking for a career. Her entire world revolved around making sure my brother and I were well-fed—she’d always make sure we got the best portions first, then give whatever was left to my dad, never thinking twice about herself. I never once saw them being affectionate, like kissing or holding hands. When they were in a good mood, they just had their own little private world and would laugh together. But the woman who had my other brother? She was everything my mother stopped being at that stage of her life: young, attractive, and a successful professional.

I honestly feel like they’re just taking advantage of you. I don't really get the whole situation with your dad, either. It seems so selfish that he's out there looking for his pension while simultaneously asking you for money, especially when he sees how much you're struggling just to get by. Maybe you should try reaching out to your half-brother? I'm pretty sure you guys have been in touch before, and I think he'd really appreciate hearing from you if you did.

Jason Cooper said:Not a chance. They were just a regular working-class family. My mom always insisted his mother disliked her because of that, and she used to claim my dad had a massive weakness for women with fancy degrees. It turns out she might have been onto something, considering the woman who gave birth to my brother is actually a doctor.

As for why he cheated? Honestly, I can only speculate... After having kids, my mom just let herself go completely; she went from being this stunning, fit blonde to a graying woman struggling with her weight. She basically shut herself inside the house, dedicating every waking second to the kids instead of looking for a career. Her entire world revolved around making sure my brother and I were well-fed—she’d always make sure we got the best portions first, then give whatever was left to my dad, never thinking twice about herself. I never once saw them being affectionate, like kissing or holding hands. When they were in a good mood, they just had their own little private world and would laugh together. But the woman who had my other brother? She was everything my mother stopped being at that stage of her life: young, attractive, and a successful professional.

If I were you, I wouldn't hand over a single cent until your father tells you the truth about why he's refusing his pension. You've got him in a corner, so he'll eventually have to cave.

I don't quite grasp what kind of illusion he's trying to maintain when everyone pretty much knows about his infidelity. Is it possible there are more kids out there, or something even messier? I never really understood what he did for a living before retirement. If he was involved in politics, maybe he's just trying to dodge some lingering issues. Are you even certain he's entitled to that pension? Or what if he's already collecting it through someone else's name?

I honestly think his double life played a massive role in why all that cash just vanished.
Every single time—seriously, for the billionth time—I tell him he needs to sort out his retirement funds, he gives me the exact same line: "I don't have time to mess around with that stuff; your mom and brother need millions to get by, so I've gotta focus on making the big bucks."

These are the absolute clinchers from what you wrote.
Look, you can’t really give him an unbiased assessment because, well, he’s your dad. He’s a hypocrite because he was living this whole secret life, playing the part of the perfect father to both families, which is probably why you find yourself defending him. I'm not blaming you, though—it's easy to only see those bright, happy moments when he was actually being good to you.
You mentioned his wife spent a ton on groceries rather than makeup, designer clothes, or going out. What does that tell me? It tells me she’s a good person who just wanted the best for her kids, and she doesn't even realize her entire marriage is built on one giant lie.
If I were in your shoes, I’d sit your mother down and tell her about his other family and his son. She deserves to know who she’s actually living with instead of constantly being accused by her husband of overspending. On top of that, she’s dealing with a sick child (your brother)... she's got enough on her plate.
People like your father honestly terrify me. Just total hypocrites who spend their entire lives lying to themselves and everyone else.