Self-locking mechanisms

Chris Cruz3 said:What actually drives a person into total self-delusion? Like, what messes with your head so much that you don't even recognize yourself anymore?
I'm just sitting here, totally stunned. What is wrong with me???
He cheated on me—and I knew. I knew everything, yet I still sat there swallowing every single lie he fed me, especially the ones I was feeding myself... if the truth had actually come out, it would have been over, but I just wasn't ready to let go.
It felt like it was slipping through my fingers... like trying to grab a fish that just slides away, and after you've fought, fallen, and refused to quit, you just end up standing there like an idiot wondering what the hell you were even doing.
I played his game perfectly. I’d leave and come back whenever he wanted, and if I ever tried to pull away too far, he always found a way to reel me back in. We kept going like that until I finally snapped and walked out without saying a word. Honestly, I don't think he's even sure why I left—though it feels like that might have been exactly what he wanted all along.
But wait, it gets worse. Even more than a year later, I know I’d jump right back in with him if I knew he actually wanted me. Am I insane???
That's why I don't reach out... and I pray to God I don't run into him somewhere. I have no clue what he wants. Maybe an explanation, maybe just to clear his conscience, who knows... but it would absolutely break me. Just thinking about him being with her makes my chest tighten.
What is wrong with me? I've never been this person, and right now, I can't tell if I'm more pissed at myself or at him.
I don't see us living in some white-picket-fence dream house together, but for God's sake, how am I supposed to get past any of this???... the manipulation, the lies, the secrecy... I don't even know if it was physical, but it doesn't matter... the intent was obvious. His heart was somewhere else entirely.
And when he crosses my mind, I don't think about the mess—I think about the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled, his touch, his kiss... and then I just get so mad at myself because I could never control how I felt when he was around. I'd be fuming in my head, but the second he showed up, I'd melt and everything would vanish... what on earth is he supposed to do to make me stay in my lane??? If anyone had told me I'd end up like this, I wouldn't have believed them...

You're asking the wrong question entirely.
Nothing he does is ever going to give you peace or provide actual closure.

As long as you’re torturing yourself—obsessing over him and playing out these endless "what if" scenarios in your head—you aren't moving forward.
It's you. Just you. You're the one holding yourself back from actually moving on.

Honestly, it seems like you've gotten so used to dealing with his bullshit that you can't even recognize it as bullshit anymore.
From what I can tell, he didn't exactly break a sweat trying to get you back; he just moved on with his life and is out there enjoying himself.
You need some time and distance to clear your head and realize—not just intellectually, but deep down—that he simply isn't what you need in your life. 🙂

And maybe selfishness doesn't necessarily mean he's actually doing fine—it could just be that he's convinced himself he's right.

Well, if you just stay at arm's length like that—and I mean really keeping your distance—it’s only going to drag out the whole process. It’ll linger longer than it needs to. If I were in your shoes, I’d actually suggest spending some real time with him—you know, hanging out, talking, even having those little disagreements that happen in any relationship. Reality tends to be much more grounded than whatever we build up in our heads, so once you face the actual person, that intense crush feeling usually fades much faster.

I see two ways this plays out. Either he’s actually honest and admits he screwed up—like, real heartfelt, "let's just call it quits" kind of honesty—or it's everything else, where I just get up, walk out, and erase him from my life. Does any of this even make sense??? I'm spiraling because I don't trust my own judgment... honestly, I'm just pissed at myself for not walking away when the red flags first started popping up.

Chris Cruz3 said:I see two ways this plays out. Either he’s actually honest and admits he screwed up—like, real heartfelt, "let's just call it quits" kind of honesty—or it's everything else, where I just get up, walk out, and erase him from my life. Does any of this even make sense??? I'm spiraling because I don't trust my own judgment... honestly, I'm just pissed at myself for not walking away when the red flags first started popping up.

Stop beating yourself up. Sure, if you'd walked away the moment the red flags popped up, you wouldn't be in this mess, but you also wouldn't have learned a damn thing. Look at it this way: you're getting a chance to see the situation for what it really is so you can move forward a whole lot smarter next time.

What did I learn? Absolutely nothing... unless you count lying to myself. lol. I don't even need that crap.
I knew all this before—which actually makes it worse. There’s a massive difference between making a mistake because you're clueless and making one when you know damn well it's wrong...

Look, you can wrap your head around the logic of a situation—really dissect it until it makes sense—but honestly, that’s rarely enough to actually change anything. I mean, why else would anyone keep tripping over the same damn stone if they truly understood the physics of it? It’s about experience. You have to actually live through the mess and feel the sting to really internalize the lesson. Maybe the best way to put it is that we aren't just growing intellectually; we're growing emotionally, which is a much more painful process.

It’s one thing to sit there and tell yourself, "Yeah, I don't need that person or that job to survive," but that's just theory.
It's a completely different beast to actually feel that independence in your gut and genuinely believe it when things get tough.