How do I break free from my own illusions?

Hey everyone.
I feel like the people here actually know how to give real answers, and while this might belong in a general vent thread, this is more about my mental state, so I’m looking for some "deeper" advice.

It all started ages ago, meeting someone online—honestly, the biggest illusion ever created.
I met this guy, and we spent so much time messaging back and forth; even though I have a totally grounded life offline, he had such a massive impact on me that after all those months of his advice, his photos, and our endless talks... he became a genuine part of my reality.

He became... someone incredibly important to me. So important that at first, it was just "falling in love," but eventually, that word didn't even begin to cover what I was feeling...

But... we never actually met...
There was never an opportunity for anything to happen...
And then our connection just snapped, suddenly and likely forever...

The thing that’s destroying me right now is this: He isn't here, and technically, he was never even "there"...
yet the fallout from him is everywhere, especially inside my head.
I had a few relationships before him... and I never thought of myself (at least, I didn't) as someone who suffers too much or stays stuck for too long...
But now... I am truly hurting.
That entire long stretch of time was just a mirage; everything I wanted was a fantasy, every dream I had about finally seeing him was just... a hallucination. It all feels as surreal as a dream.
I can't get over it, and I can't forget him...
More often than not, just when I think I've finally moved on... I dream about him...
I'm just... hurting. I'm suffering and I don't even know why—is that even possible?

Because of that illusion... him... I can't seem to fall for anyone else, because nobody compares to him.
Subconsciously, I find myself measuring every guy against him... and nobody even comes close to him... to the illusion.
I'm not some immature kid; I'm in my mid-twenties, and if I'm reacting this irrationally... I just don't know how to help myself.

He’s left me with an unanswered question...
a dream that never finished playing out...
like a single square of chocolate left from a whole bar...
an unfinished story...
Will I be stuck in this agony forever?
In this illusion?

I'm terrified of that... it would be the ultimate punishment...
How do I wake up from this fantasy?
How do I just keep living?

Is this even normal?

I mean, you can fall head over heels for someone who isn't even there... suddenly you're hooked, chasing those cheap thrills from adult sites or getting lost in a gambling addiction... our primitive brains are honestly way too good at their one job—hooking us onto that dopamine loop... whether it’s through random thoughts, intense feelings, illusions, or just pure daydreaming...
It’ll pass, just like everything else, as long as you figure out how to redirect that craving for dopamine toward things that actually make life worth living—like your career, hanging out with friends, a solid hobby, going out, or just laughing until it hurts... eventually, it'll just become this faint, fading neural pathway you barely even remember... you'll basically just swap it out for other ways to get that "high" from things that actually bring you real satisfaction...😉

The digital world is such a trip—I’ve fallen head over heels a hundred times just walking down a sidewalk in NYC, riding the subway, or scrolling through my feed... your imagination just takes the wheel and suddenly you're blasting music and playing a full-blown cinematic masterpiece in your head! I've been there more times than I can count, but look, you've gotta know where to draw the line so you don't lose touch with reality... though honestly, reality is pretty much whatever your heart decides it is based on how you vibe with it, so maybe nothing is truly "unreal." The real kicker is whether that person actually hits the same way you do. If they aren't really feeling you, just swap them out for someone else—it’s like switching channels, just trust me on this one :-) And don't think it's a waste of time either; just think about how many people spend their entire lives stuck in some gray, boring-ass existence... being able to dream like this is a total luxury. I tell myself all the time: go ahead and dream big, but keep your eyes wide open too.

Honestly, all I can say is that it should have happened, but it didn't. There's no point dwelling on "what if," because that won't get you anywhere.
You’ll stop overthinking it eventually. Everything fades with time—it's not exactly a consolation, but that's just how life works, right? 😲

What you listed isn't an illusion. It all happened, it was all thought, and it was all felt during that same stretch of time. Then it ended—but that doesn't make it fake.
It just means it’s over.
It means it was real.
It means it was an experience.
It means it was a lesson. Though, what exactly is there to learn?
If the intentions and directions aren't aligned on both sides... then the situation is clear.

Then let go.
Let go of the illusion... but watch out for the real one, the one you're mistaking for reality.
The illusion is that you are suffering. You aren't. The idea of you is suffering.
That guy isn't the illusion; the illusion is your attachment to him, even though it's obvious things didn't work out.
Whether he will or won't doesn't matter. What matters is letting things be—and they will be what they are destined to be. Whatever is meant to happen, happens. And it has to happen that way, because if it didn't, it wouldn't be happening at all.

Understand, that is his choice. His freedom. He has the right to love whoever he wants and go wherever he wants. Just like you. Just like everyone else.
And you are "suffering" now because he didn't choose to love you? You are suffering because of a decision he made that has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with himself.
Everything we do, we do for ourselves. Everything. We are all selfish, whether we realize it or not. That's just how it is. And that's fine.

You are suffering because of yourself, because you have this concept of being a victim, and you're acting like one because he's gone and it's hurting you, for heaven's sake.
Discard all the illusions, especially the real ones, and ask yourself: how does his absence from your life actually harm you?
What does he have that you don't, which you supposedly need? What does he possess internally that you require? What do you think you're missing that he is meant to fulfill? Do you really believe you need him? You don't. Don't stress it. Being in "need" is its own damn illusion. Get over it.

All you need is the ability to LET GO of what no longer serves you, and to LOVE what liberates, inspires, and refreshes you.
Come on, what is serving your good, your peace, and your health right now in this so-called "suffering" for someone who let you go... while you destroy yourself in the process? If that's how you play it, then you don't even deserve to be loved or pursued by anyone if you're going to trample over yourself and play the martyr... who needs a martyr? There are too many of us like that... too many of us suffering over a past that's gone... instead of living here and now... instead of being reborn every single day.

Moving on; what do you need from him that you can't find within yourself?
HOW ARE YOU HURTING YOURSELF BY SUFFERING FOR LOVE? IS IT EVEN LOVE IF IT REQUIRES SUFFERING??? hellooo, what kind of madness is this!!

Are you truly so unremarkable and unique that, even though there is only one version of you, you won't offer that one single SELF some relief, some help, some release? Seriously, girl, aren't you worth it? Can't you feel that value... that gentleness... that sacred constancy... that honor in simply living? You are here and you exist because you matter! Everything in the universe matters, because if it didn't, it wouldn't exist.
You are here with purpose. But you have a choice: love, or wait for someone else to love you.
Love yourself FIRST, then others might follow. Use some logic.

But here is the best part; listen, let's break down the biggest illusion of all... namely:
YOU AREN'T SUFFERING FOR HIM, YOU ARE SUFFERING FOR YOURSELF!
You are suffering because you fail to feel yourself. And that is the source of all suffering—we fail to FEEL OURSELVES!
Observe yourself, listen to yourself, touch yourself, nurture yourself... do for yourself what you would do for a loved one. And that's it.

I'm right there with you 😲 Looking back on when I finally lost that illusion, it didn't even hurt that he was gone. It was more like I realized I had just overestimated my feelings for him. Honestly, what I actually missed was just having that capacity to feel something at all.
It was those tiny, everyday moments—the way he’d look at me, or if I’d melt whenever he gave me a hug. Just seeing him.
But I eventually realized staying stuck in that wasn't healthy. I couldn't let myself be a slave to an emotion, and I was really only hurting myself by clinging to something that wasn't there anymore.

The internet isn't some grand deception, and honestly, there’s barely any difference between falling for someone you met online versus falling for a colleague at a firm like Goldman Sachs; in both scenarios, you don't actually see who they really are until you step outside those specific environments and face them in the real world. If you felt like you were living in a fantasy, that was just a projection happening inside your own head, not some inherent flaw of the web itself.

On the flip side, he was likely just some jerk who probably ended things with his girlfriend right before he started talking to you, using your devotion to fill the void left by his previous relationship until he finally moved on. Once he felt stable again, he stepped out of the house and jumped straight into the arms of the first person he could find. We men can be such absolute cowards and losers.

What happened to you? It’s what I call a forced future. You had these expectations—this whole mental picture playing in your head—and that’s exactly why you ended up feeling let down. Whether you stay stuck in this misery or move past it is entirely up to you. Your internal state dictates your reality; you attract exactly what you radiate. If you decide you’re going to stay miserable and act out that negativity, then fine—that’s what you’ll get. But if you actually focus on yourself—find some hobbies, get busy, blah blah blah, just stop obsessing—then you’ll find freedom. Look, just take this as a lesson learned. That guy taught you one valuable thing: don't overplan everything. We spend so much time obsessing over future goals and "making it," but we completely ignore all the hurdles standing in the way, which is why we crash and burn. Just live for today. Don't go looking for things that aren't there, and you won't be disappointed. And please, don't make me believe in you more than you believe in yourself. Just enjoy life—nobody else is going to live it for you. Life is way too short to spend it in agony. Peace div>

shadowheron49 said:Hey everyone.
I feel like the people here actually know how to give real answers, and while this might belong in a general vent thread, this is more about my mental state, so I’m looking for some "deeper" advice.

It all started ages ago, meeting someone online—honestly, the biggest illusion ever created.
I met this guy, and we spent so much time messaging back and forth; even though I have a totally grounded life offline, he had such a massive impact on me that after all those months of his advice, his photos, and our endless talks... he became a genuine part of my reality.

He became... someone incredibly important to me. So important that at first, it was just "falling in love," but eventually, that word didn't even begin to cover what I was feeling...

But... we never actually met...
There was never an opportunity for anything to happen...
And then our connection just snapped, suddenly and likely forever...

The thing that’s destroying me right now is this: He isn't here, and technically, he was never even "there"...
yet the fallout from him is everywhere, especially inside my head.
I had a few relationships before him... and I never thought of myself (at least, I didn't) as someone who suffers too much or stays stuck for too long...
But now... I am truly hurting.
That entire long stretch of time was just a mirage; everything I wanted was a fantasy, every dream I had about finally seeing him was just... a hallucination. It all feels as surreal as a dream.
I can't get over it, and I can't forget him...
More often than not, just when I think I've finally moved on... I dream about him...
I'm just... hurting. I'm suffering and I don't even know why—is that even possible?

Because of that illusion... him... I can't seem to fall for anyone else, because nobody compares to him.
Subconsciously, I find myself measuring every guy against him... and nobody even comes close to him... to the illusion.
I'm not some immature kid; I'm in my mid-twenties, and if I'm reacting this irrationally... I just don't know how to help myself.

He’s left me with an unanswered question...
a dream that never finished playing out...
like a single square of chocolate left from a whole bar...
an unfinished story...
Will I be stuck in this agony forever?
In this illusion?

I'm terrified of that... it would be the ultimate punishment...
How do I wake up from this fantasy?
How do I just keep living?

Is this even normal?

This might seem trivial to you, but please know it isn't; the answer to your question can be found in the song by Drazen - break the chain. 😉

Look, meeting people online is fine—I’ve actually met some pretty awesome people that way—but if you’re looking for something deeper than just casual banter, you’ve got to make that move to meet up in person as soon as possible. You can talk via text or video calls until you're blue in the face, but it's different. Virtual chats reveal a lot, sure, but nothing beats sitting across from someone at a coffee shop or a bar to see if there's actual chemistry or if they're just playing a character behind a screen. It’s about seeing if the vibe is real.

just go find yourself a boyfriend for real and daydreaming about other guys isn't hurting anyone...

Thanks so much for all the advice, guys! It’s honestly such a relief to feel like I’m not just losing my mind or making things up... like I'm some kind of total weirdo.
People out in the real world just don't get it, so I have to come here and look for answers from people online who might actually relate to what I'm going through.

Now I just need to figure out my next move.

I totally get that the biggest issue is coming from within me.
And I realize I gave myself way too much room to let my imagination run wild and build up this flawless version of him in my head...
Though, if I'm being honest, most of the time I feel like I wasn't even exaggerating that much.
He isn't perfect—he definitely has his flaws—but he's perfect... you know? If you know what I mean...

I tried distracting myself with other stuff, like hitting the gym (but I can literally be on a treadmill and still be thinking about him without even trying)
Or meeting other guys (which is just painful because my brain immediately drifts right back to him)
...
It feels like nothing I do actually works.
Actually... sometimes it even makes it worse, because then I end up dreaming about him, and when I wake up, the ache and the nostalgia hit me so hard I almost wish I hadn't woken up at all...

I never really learned how to deal with this kind of thing because I've never been stuck on anyone for more than a few days; I could always just find someone else to fill the void...
And it always worked...
But this time it's so much harder, probably because of how specific this whole situation is.

😂 So, fine, I'll take your advice—I'll blast some Zecic and just let it all out. 😂
If that doesn't do the trick... then I'm seriously 😁

Man, you sound like you’re straight-up fading away... just realize those are nothing but shadows from the dark corners of your own psyche. Once you actually dig deep and face the root causes, everything is gonna click, and you'll finally see that there’s no such thing as suffering in love—there’s only finding the real deal, and honestly, everyone deserves that kind of connection.

ambercrane722 said:Man, you sound like you’re straight-up fading away... just realize those are nothing but shadows from the dark corners of your own psyche. Once you actually dig deep and face the root causes, everything is gonna click, and you'll finally see that there’s no such thing as suffering in love—there’s only finding the real deal, and honestly, everyone deserves that kind of connection.

Maybe it comes off that way because I'm only posting about this right now, but honestly... nah, I'm not dying (I think 😂 ))
I keep telling myself that love shouldn't hurt and that this was never actually love, but sometimes no matter how much you try to convince yourself, fate just has other plans.
It’s just wild to me how powerful this illusion is, and I can't help but wonder... would I have ever even experienced something this intense if it wasn't just an illusion...
and would I have ever met him...
and if I hadn't... is that a good thing or a bad thing?
Is this kind of way of meeting new people even natural?

I'm worried it isn't, because the brain reacts the exact same way whether the stimulus is through a simulation or real life...
The problem is, how do I convince my brain that this is all just a simulation? It's a person who isn't real, someone I've never actually seen or touched... how am I supposed to tell my head that you don't fall in love like this...
At this rate, I might end up falling for my laptop or a calculator next...

No... we were never truly on the same page...
There was simply never an opening for anything to actually happen...
Our connection just snapped, abruptly and likely for good...

Honestly, you aren't saying nearly enough about how sudden that break actually was—maybe if you actually sat down and unpacked why everything imploded so fast, it would ground you. It might help you finally face reality and let go of whatever fantasy you're clinging to... A real story needs a beginning, a middle, a climax, a resolution, and a definitive end... But looking at what you wrote, it sounds to me like you're still desperately holding onto a shred of hope...

Angela Bailey7 said:No... we were never truly on the same page...
There was simply never an opening for anything to actually happen...
Our connection just snapped, abruptly and likely for good...

Honestly, you aren't saying nearly enough about how sudden that break actually was—maybe if you actually sat down and unpacked why everything imploded so fast, it would ground you. It might help you finally face reality and let go of whatever fantasy you're clinging to... A real story needs a beginning, a middle, a climax, a resolution, and a definitive end... But looking at what you wrote, it sounds to me like you're still desperately holding onto a shred of hope...

I mean... if I laid out the whole story, someone else out there might actually relate—since they've been through the online dating scene too—so I guess I just used a "cliché"
that most people who've dealt with this kind of thing end up using.

But honestly, knowing the details won't change a thing because there's zero hope left and nothing to work with, so now I'm just trying to figure out how to move past this... this weird ache of being in love with someone I've never even met in person.
It feels so immature.
I just want to "get better" and finally move on...

You’re totally tripping out.. there are a few flicks that dive into this exact rabbit hole.. *Strange Days*, for example.. it’s all about where reality ends and the illusion begins, right? That line is razor thin. Go ahead and dream big if you want, just don't forget to actually live your life in the meantime. I mean, there are billions of guys on this planet, yet you’ve gone and fixated on one specific thing. That’s the whole damn issue... getting hyper-focused on someone or something because of some random impulse. It’s way better to just let go of that obsession and actually face the world for what it is.

Dude, honestly, your ego is just taking a massive hit here... you're clearly feeling the sting because he isn't coming for you, but he's absolutely tearing everyone else apart instead. That’s the whole deal. Once you start questioning whether it's actually you or just your ego getting bruised? It's definitely the ego! At least that's how I roll, because let's be real—that whole sense of self is nothing more than a total illusion anyway.

ambercrane722 said:You’re totally tripping out.. there are a few flicks that dive into this exact rabbit hole.. *Strange Days*, for example.. it’s all about where reality ends and the illusion begins, right? That line is razor thin. Go ahead and dream big if you want, just don't forget to actually live your life in the meantime. I mean, there are billions of guys on this planet, yet you’ve gone and fixated on one specific thing. That’s the whole damn issue... getting hyper-focused on someone or something because of some random impulse. It’s way better to just let go of that obsession and actually face the world for what it is.

Exactly... that's what I'm talking about.
It's all just a construct.

These feelings were triggered in such an unnatural way that now they feel unnaturally intense.
The brain doesn't always distinguish between things; it doesn't care so much about what you see, but rather how you interpret what's right in front of you.
Through my own fantasies, deep talks, and everything else, my brain basically lived out a whole real picture, a whole real life.
The emotions are real.
The pain is real,
even though in reality, nothing ever happened.

If anyone gets where I'm coming from...
I find the whole thing absolutely fascinating.

a hebes to..you're better off just getting out there and fixing your life..get some sun..plus the real world is just as much of a fantasy anyway...it's all the same shit!except you might actually get to touch someone you like lol, instead of obsessing over some random spikes or whatever video game crap you're into. seriously, just drop it. my advice? I've been exactly where you are and now I just look back and laugh at myself hahah😵