Issues with my mom.

Hi everyone! I decided to sign up here because I’m really hoping to get some perspective on some struggles I’ve been dealing with since I was quite young... To be honest, my relationship with my mother is incredibly difficult. She is a total control freak who tries to micromanage every single aspect of my life. It feels like she always needs things done her way—she has to be right about everything, almost acting as if she were God—and it’s honestly exhausting. It really gets to me, but she doesn't seem to care one bit. I just turned 20 yesterday, and I have so many big dreams for my future! I want to go to college, travel the world, find the girl of my dreams, start a family, build a career... I just want to actually *live* my life to the fullest while I can! But there's the catch—she wants me to take a completely different path, something that fits perfectly into her specific vision of who I should be, and I simply don't want that! I really, truly don't! So, I wanted to reach out and ask you all: how do you stand up to a parent like this? How can I overcome the deep-seated fear she’s managed to instill in me over the years? Have any of you dealt with similar issues with your own parents? Any advice or shared experiences at all would mean the world to me...

Your mother isn't trying to "run" your life; she’s just trying to keep you from stumbling blindly down the path you've set for yourself. Honestly? I wish I had a mother like that.

Every mother wants things done her way—it isn't about being a control freak, even if that's how it feels to you right now.

Does that actually bother you?!
What exactly is the problem here..?

If you ask me, you should spend less time criticizing her and more time reflecting on what she truly wants for your future. I highly doubt she’s looking to chain you to a radiator.
Instead of fighting AGAINST your parents, why not figure out how to work together with them for your own benefit? But based on this post... we're all just waiting for Godot...☕

neonsailor26 said:Hi everyone! I decided to sign up here because I’m really hoping to get some perspective on some struggles I’ve been dealing with since I was quite young... To be honest, my relationship with my mother is incredibly difficult. She is a total control freak who tries to micromanage every single aspect of my life. It feels like she always needs things done her way—she has to be right about everything, almost acting as if she were God—and it’s honestly exhausting. It really gets to me, but she doesn't seem to care one bit. I just turned 20 yesterday, and I have so many big dreams for my future! I want to go to college, travel the world, find the girl of my dreams, start a family, build a career... I just want to actually *live* my life to the fullest while I can! But there's the catch—she wants me to take a completely different path, something that fits perfectly into her specific vision of who I should be, and I simply don't want that! I really, truly don't! So, I wanted to reach out and ask you all: how do you stand up to a parent like this? How can I overcome the deep-seated fear she’s managed to instill in me over the years? Have any of you dealt with similar issues with your own parents? Any advice or shared experiences at all would mean the world to me...

Look, I don't know what kind of agenda your mother has for you or why, but everything you described wanting to do is just a normal young man's ambition... so, speaking as a mother, I think you have every right to question why she keeps pushing her own path onto you. You should try talking to her about it—that is, provided she isn't a complete dictator. If she is, then you've got a hotline to call regarding that fear she put in you, because that is definitely not "mom-like," so listen to what the professionals there have to say.

Bluzara said:
Your mother isn't trying to "run" your life—she's just trying to keep you from tripping over your own feet on the path you've chosen. Honestly, I wish I had a mom like that!

Every mother wants things done her way—it’s not being a control freak, even if that’s exactly how it feels to you right now.

And that bothers you?!
What exactly is the problem here..?

If I were you, I'd spend less time criticizing her and more time actually considering what she wants for your future. I highly doubt she's trying to chain you to a radiator or anything extreme like that...
Instead of fighting AGAINST your parents, try looking at how you can work together with them for your own benefit... though, judging by this post, we might be waiting for Godot...☕

Do you really think it's okay for a parent to call their kid an idiot or a psychopath just because they wanted to grab a coffee with a friend at a local cafe?! Is it? Really? Is that normal? And is it normal for a parent to block their child—a student who was straight-A all through high school and earned every accolade possible—from moving to another city for college, simply because the parent thinks it's a bad idea? Is it? I'm positive it isn't...

neonsailor26 said:Do you really think it's okay for a parent to call their kid an idiot or a psychopath just because they wanted to grab a coffee with a friend at a local cafe?! Is it? Really? Is that normal? And is it normal for a parent to block their child—a student who was straight-A all through high school and earned every accolade possible—from moving to another city for college, simply because the parent thinks it's a bad idea? Is it? I'm positive it isn't...

Your mom is being way too possessive—honestly, she’s doing you a massive disservice by trying to stunt your growth and independence, which is pretty much the whole point of growing up. I’m a mom myself—I’ve got a 14-year-old son—and I’d actually be thrilled if he showed even half the drive for independence that you have, like wanting to head off to college in a different city when he's 20. That's just maturity. If you can manage to move away for school, you should definitely go for it—it’d be the smartest move, and it would finally get her off your back.

Look, your mother is just... well, she is what she is, and you aren't going to win a single thing by getting into shouting matches with her. It’s a losing game. You have to try—really try—to stay calm, even when your blood is boiling, and talk to her using that steady, level tone. The second she starts trying to micromanage your life or take the reins, start asking questions. Just ask "why" or "how" over and over; it completely dismantles that need for control they have. Honestly, explaining how much a control freak's behavior actually sucks is a nightmare in itself.

If you reach a point where nothing you do is working, then just tune her out entirely. Stop letting her words land. Live your own life. And honestly, I'm right there with placidorca16 on this one—the moment you're financially able to move out, grab your stuff and get out of there.

neonsailor26 said:Do you really think it's okay for a parent to call their kid an idiot or a psychopath just because they wanted to grab a coffee with a friend at a local cafe?! Is it? Really? Is that normal? And is it normal for a parent to block their child—a student who was straight-A all through high school and earned every accolade possible—from moving to another city for college, simply because the parent thinks it's a bad idea? Is it? I'm positive it isn't...

That is definitely not normal. But believe it or not, parents can be incredibly possessive in a very unhealthy way, especially mothers.
She might just be terrified that you’re becoming independent and won't need her anymore. It's natural that you won't need her to feed you or clothe you, even if you still want to see and talk to her. She just doesn't seem to grasp that...
If you have the means to work while studying so you can live in another city, my advice is to go for it. You have to chase your dreams, whether your parents back you up or not. Once she realizes you made the right call, she'll likely come around eventually...
What does your father think about all this?🙂

neonsailor26 said:Hi everyone! I decided to sign up here because I’m really hoping to get some perspective on some struggles I’ve been dealing with since I was quite young... To be honest, my relationship with my mother is incredibly difficult. She is a total control freak who tries to micromanage every single aspect of my life. It feels like she always needs things done her way—she has to be right about everything, almost acting as if she were God—and it’s honestly exhausting. It really gets to me, but she doesn't seem to care one bit. I just turned 20 yesterday, and I have so many big dreams for my future! I want to go to college, travel the world, find the girl of my dreams, start a family, build a career... I just want to actually *live* my life to the fullest while I can! But there's the catch—she wants me to take a completely different path, something that fits perfectly into her specific vision of who I should be, and I simply don't want that! I really, truly don't! So, I wanted to reach out and ask you all: how do you stand up to a parent like this? How can I overcome the deep-seated fear she’s managed to instill in me over the years? Have any of you dealt with similar issues with your own parents? Any advice or shared experiences at all would mean the world to me...

My wife dealt with a mother just like this.
I am not sure how much English you know, but this guy explains exactly what kind of person your mother is quite brilliantly. I watched his video and immediately recognized my mother-in-law in his description.

Maybe you should try to "join forces" with another family member? You know, someone actually reasonable, if anyone like that even exists in your house.

My boyfriend dealt with this exact same dynamic with his mother.
He’s essentially the "perfect" son—doesn't drink, doesn't touch drugs, rarely goes out, just a genuinely decent guy. Yet, somehow, she finds fault in absolutely everything he does; she tries to micromanage every single decision he makes.
In the beginning, he was totally submissive—just listening and walking on eggshells to avoid conflict.
But now that he’s over 20, he’s finally grown a backbone.
The first time they sat down, he kept it calm and civil, asking her to respect certain boundaries. She promised she would change.
Naturally, nothing changed.
So, he sits her down again, stays composed, pleads with her—and she promises once more.
Predictably, zero results.
By the third attempt, he finally snapped. He lost it and told her exactly what she deserved to hear—every harsh truth straight to her face. She burst into tears, of course. They didn't speak for a few days, then she approached him, apologized, and swore—on everything—that she would actually change this time.
And what happened? A little while later, we were right back where we started.
Now, he basically ignores her. He doesn't call her first, doesn't check in to see how she's doing, nothing. All his decisions are made by him alone, or with me, or his father, or people who actually support him rather than dismissing him. She has zero say in his life anymore. Thankfully, he has a sane father who stands firmly on his side.
If she calls him, he answers. If she asks a question, he responds.
But if she tries to lecture him or meddle in his business? He just gives her a flat "okay." And true to form, three seconds after hanging up, he completely forgets what she even said and does exactly what he planned to do anyway.

Honestly, my advice? Skip those first three futile steps and jump straight to the fourth. Sit down with a brother, a parent, a sibling, a grandparent—whoever—and lay it all out. Tell them how much she is mentally draining you and try to find someone who will act as your support system and tell her to stay out of your business (that’s exactly what the father does for my boyfriend). Once that's set, start the process of disengagement. I don't mean you should ignore her when she speaks to you or refuse to answer basic questions... rather, just stop being the one to initiate contact. Don't reach out. If she tries to interfere, just "agree" with her so she stops nagging, and then immediately go about your business the way you intended. Keep doing that until she realizes that she is solely responsible for the breakdown of your relationship. It’ll hurt her feelings, which might actually force some change...
In my case, she actually did start changing a bit, though my boyfriend refuses to give her any real ground until he is absolutely certain her remorse is genuine.

neonsailor26 said:Do you really think it's okay for a parent to call their kid an idiot or a psychopath just because they wanted to grab a coffee with a friend at a local cafe?! Is it? Really? Is that normal? And is it normal for a parent to block their child—a student who was straight-A all through high school and earned every accolade possible—from moving to another city for college, simply because the parent thinks it's a bad idea? Is it? I'm positive it isn't...

I suppose I should pose a practical question here. Who exactly would be footing the bill for your life in that other city?
Is there an equivalent university right there in your hometown?

Bluzara said:
Your mother isn't trying to "run" your life—she’s just trying to stop you from tripping over your own feet on the path you've set for yourself. Honestly, I wish I had a mother like that.

Every mother wants things her way; it isn't necessarily being a control freak, even if that is precisely how it feels to you.

Does that actually bother you?!
What exactly is the issue here..?

If I may offer a suggestion—perhaps spend less time criticizing your mother and more time considering what she truly wants for you. I highly doubt she intends to chain you to a radiator.
Instead of fighting AGAINST your parents, try looking at how you can work WITH them toward your own best interests... though, judging by this post, we might all be waiting for Godot...☕

🙂

Most parents carry their own specific visions, preconceptions, or desires regarding what their children could, should, or ought to be capable of doing—and, naturally, those visions rarely align perfectly with the actual desires or abilities of the child.
When it comes to choosing a career or an education, a parent really shouldn't be applying pressure. Advising, however? Absolutely.

I also find it hard to believe the mother in the original post is acting possessive without some underlying reason—perhaps stemming from her own past failures or difficult experiences—though it is certainly possible she's overstepping...🤷
My son finished high school at 18; he was a bright kid, and then suddenly, out of nowhere, he decided he wanted to study abroad—specifically at a university far away from anything within 12 miles of home.
I explained to him quite clearly that I couldn't finance that, nor did I see any practical need for him to go overseas when there were excellent options right here in the States.
He eventually thought it through, stayed local, and earned his degree in Washington, D.C.
Later on, he admitted himself that the idea of going abroad was somewhat half-baked, especially since the degree he earned is widely recognized and respected across the entire country.
It seems to me that young people rarely pause to consider the practical circumstances required to achieve their whims, particularly given today's rather harsh economic climate...☕

Jeffrey Fisher5 said:I suppose I should pose a practical question here. Who exactly would be footing the bill for your life in that other city?
Is there an equivalent university right there in your hometown?

Personally, I’d handle my own finances—I’m more than capable of pulling it off! I genuinely love learning and I’ve always been a hard worker... I'm certainly not lacking in the brainpower department. Plus, there are so many scholarship foundations out there specifically designed to support students, so I wouldn't be facing an impossible uphill battle. I also don't spend much time out at bars or coffee shops—maybe once a month tops—so I wouldn't be hemorrhaging cash on social outings either. And since I’d likely qualify for federal student aid, that would provide such a massive cushion for everything else...

As for the second part, no, there isn't a school like that in my town. In fact, there aren't any colleges in my area at all.

neonsailor26 said:Personally, I’d handle my own finances—I’m more than capable of pulling it off! I genuinely love learning and I’ve always been a hard worker... I'm certainly not lacking in the brainpower department. Plus, there are so many scholarship foundations out there specifically designed to support students, so I wouldn't be facing an impossible uphill battle. I also don't spend much time out at bars or coffee shops—maybe once a month tops—so I wouldn't be hemorrhaging cash on social outings either. And since I’d likely qualify for federal student aid, that would provide such a massive cushion for everything else...

As for the second part, no, there isn't a school like that in my town. In fact, there aren't any colleges in my area at all.

Just go for it, neonsailor26... if support from some stranger on a forum actually matters to you, then you have mine!
I truly believe you can pull this off.
All the best.

neonsailor26 said:Personally, I’d handle my own finances—I’m more than capable of pulling it off! I genuinely love learning and I’ve always been a hard worker... I'm certainly not lacking in the brainpower department. Plus, there are so many scholarship foundations out there specifically designed to support students, so I wouldn't be facing an impossible uphill battle. I also don't spend much time out at bars or coffee shops—maybe once a month tops—so I wouldn't be hemorrhaging cash on social outings either. And since I’d likely qualify for federal student aid, that would provide such a massive cushion for everything else...

As for the second part, no, there isn't a school like that in my town. In fact, there aren't any colleges in my area at all.

If that's the case, then go for it!
There is absolutely nothing wrong with it—truly—if a young man is able to take full responsibility for his own life, especially when doing so independently of his parents.
Under those circumstances, you don't even need parental consent; understanding from them will either happen or it won't... it really just depends on their own perspective.
Perhaps later, once you have actually achieved your goals, they might finally see reason... they might even find a way to be proud of you.😉
If your mother is being this stubborn, or perhaps simply unable to grasp the gravity of your ambitions and intentions, your best bet is to move forward without getting bogged down in endless arguments or conflict... whether you have her financial backing or not.
Though, I suppose it would be wise to try and make things easier on yourself within the limits of what is possible.
You will undoubtedly gain some incredibly valuable life experience in the process.

neonsailor26 said:Personally, I’d handle my own finances—I’m more than capable of pulling it off! I genuinely love learning and I’ve always been a hard worker... I'm certainly not lacking in the brainpower department. Plus, there are so many scholarship foundations out there specifically designed to support students, so I wouldn't be facing an impossible uphill battle. I also don't spend much time out at bars or coffee shops—maybe once a month tops—so I wouldn't be hemorrhaging cash on social outings either. And since I’d likely qualify for federal student aid, that would provide such a massive cushion for everything else...

As for the second part, no, there isn't a school like that in my town. In fact, there aren't any colleges in my area at all.

What exactly happens when you go out for coffee? Is she going to tie you to a radiator the next time you leave? What will happen if you actually decide to follow your own path? If you truly have legitimate reasons to move out on your own, then you should do it. Just try not to hurt her with your tone or say things you can't take back; let her know that you love her and appreciate everything she has done for you, but explain that you are moving forward, stating your reasons calmly and with affection. Regardless of what she says or how she reacts, try to maintain a steady composure and show some empathy for her fears and the pain of you leaving—especially if this might be forever.
As for your claim about being able to handle the finances, that sounds fine in theory, provided it's actually true. I don't know where you live or where you plan to study, but don't delude yourself into thinking scholarships just fall from the sky. My daughter maintained a 3.9 GPA during her first and second years of college in the States, and even she didn't qualify for certain merit-based grants. But if you can manage it, good for you. You need to account for groceries, three meals a day, toiletries, laundry supplies, cleaning products, textbooks, various registration fees, lab fees, and perhaps the occasional night out...
It seems more likely to me that you simply don't want to rely on your mother's apron strings anymore.

So here’s my situation.😁
My old lady is super possessive—she just can't wrap her head around the fact that I've been an adult for thirty years and deserve to live my own life. I haven't actually lived under her roof in ages, but now that I'm planning to move abroad, she’s acting like I have to stay put in the States.
I mean, how do some people just not get that this is *my* life we're talking about?😕
I'm just done dealing with the drama. A buddy of mine suggested I should just pack up, move, and let her find out after the fact.🤣
🤷

wanderinggardener12 said:What exactly happens when you go out for coffee? Is she going to tie you to a radiator the next time you leave? What will happen if you actually decide to follow your own path? If you truly have legitimate reasons to move out on your own, then you should do it. Just try not to hurt her with your tone or say things you can't take back; let her know that you love her and appreciate everything she has done for you, but explain that you are moving forward, stating your reasons calmly and with affection. Regardless of what she says or how she reacts, try to maintain a steady composure and show some empathy for her fears and the pain of you leaving—especially if this might be forever.
As for your claim about being able to handle the finances, that sounds fine in theory, provided it's actually true. I don't know where you live or where you plan to study, but don't delude yourself into thinking scholarships just fall from the sky. My daughter maintained a 3.9 GPA during her first and second years of college in the States, and even she didn't qualify for certain merit-based grants. But if you can manage it, good for you. You need to account for groceries, three meals a day, toiletries, laundry supplies, cleaning products, textbooks, various registration fees, lab fees, and perhaps the occasional night out...
It seems more likely to me that you simply don't want to rely on your mother's apron strings anymore.

Look, listen to me. I've been conditioned since birth to believe I couldn't achieve anything significant without her. That was her whole MO. She constantly convinced me that I wasn't capable of surviving on my own and that I never would be! Do you have any idea how much that crushed me? It really did 😢. There’s a saying, "A bird born in a cage thinks flying is a disease," and honestly, that perfectly captures how I felt. She spent all these years essentially stifling my very existence under the guise of "protecting" me—but that protection caused me way more harm than good. Again, just think about that quote, and it will all make sense to you.

lonetiger98 said:So here’s my situation.😁
My old lady is super possessive—she just can't wrap her head around the fact that I've been an adult for thirty years and deserve to live my own life. I haven't actually lived under her roof in ages, but now that I'm planning to move abroad, she’s acting like I have to stay put in the States.
I mean, how do some people just not get that this is *my* life we're talking about?😕
I'm just done dealing with the drama. A buddy of mine suggested I should just pack up, move, and let her find out after the fact.🤣
🤷

I just can't do it—honestly, I really can't—because some people seem to think that just because they happen to share the same planet as you, they have an automatic right to meddle in your private business. And when you factor in the fact that we're talking about your own mother... well, then things get incredibly complicated, don't they? It’s a whole different level of messy! Because mothers have this way of using guilt as a weapon—they love to pull the "I brought you into this world" card, implying we owe them everything just for existing, and then it just goes on and on and on...

I’m over 30 years old, and my mom still tries to run my entire life... we’re constantly clashing. She basically raised me to be afraid of everything. I can’t remember a single time she ever gave me a compliment or told me I did a good job. No matter what I bought her, it was never quite right. I used to desperately just want her to say "I love you" or talk to me like a friend, but in my family, we don't do emotions. We don't hug, and we don't even
share things that most people consider totally normal. I'm actually the complete opposite—I'm a really emotional person, and I really feel that void... 😢. So, after all that, here I am dealing with anxiety, depression
and panic attacks. If you let her micromanage your whole life like she does mine, you’ll end up exactly where I am. I truly believe parents need to show positive emotions and actually back their kids up; building their self-esteem is huge for how they handle life later on
. Now, I struggle with insecurity, I'm easily hurt, and I have major issues with authority... it's a lot. I would never dream of doing that to my own child...