Project: Find a Friend (Classifieds / Meetup Thread)

So you reach out and we start typing. It doesn't cost you a dime, and let's be real—we both crave the attention.

I’ve been chewing on this step for a long time, but here I am, finally stepping into the ring. To be blunt, I don't "trust" therapists; my past experiences with them have been nothing short of a disaster. It always feels like things that should be resolved in a month get dragged out for years for absolutely no reason. There is a motive behind that stalling, certainly, but it definitely isn't working in the patient's favor. So, I decided to take matters into my own hands and dig through the literature myself to figure out what is actually happening and how to climb out of this hole. I’ve read through almost the entire saga of the "current" situation—her divorce, her psychological state, all of it—and I found myself staring at a mirror of my own story. Her last post hit me the hardest: ten years later, and there is still no peace. I’ll offer my answer right at the start, then I’ll attempt to explain. I won't dive into the gritty details just yet; I'll save those for a later conversation, if anyone actually wants to hear them.

My take is that she is stuck in this exact same state because she is making one massive mistake, year after year: she is looking for the wrong thing from the wrong person!

I fell into that exact same trap with my ex-wife, spinning in a loop for a while. People told me—and she told me—that she loved me, but she just needed "time"; that she had a traumatic childhood; that I needed to be more understanding; that I needed to learn to love myself and that she was my soulmate... In reality, I didn't even know what love was (ridiculous, isn't it?); I didn't know who was supposed to give it to me; I didn't even understand why two people get married in the first place. I knew NOTHING! And when you know nothing, you just sit down and wait for the floor to fall out from under you.

I discovered that love is a "decision."
I discovered that love is something you "learn" (from your mother; it isn't some innate instinct).
I discovered that to be loved by someone, you have to love yourself; and I also discovered that to love yourself (listen closely!), you have to have been loved by others first (primarily your parents).
I discovered that without love, people die and fall ill (psychologically first, then physically).
I discovered that people who can truly be alone are never actually alone: the love of their parents, siblings, and family is always present (you can hear their influence constantly in your daily life).
I discovered that too much love can lead to a catastrophe.
I discovered that you will likely end up in the same kind of relationship your parents were in.

If you have a moderate amount of love (your family loves you, your community loves you, and you love yourself, and you are loved in return), then you have the will to live; otherwise, you are either paralyzed or hyperactive.

So, let me repeat the core of this vicious cycle: to love yourself, you MUST have been loved; and to be loved, you MUST love yourself.

How do you break the loop?

Therapists act as if, by some divine gift, you can simply teach yourself to love yourself so that you can eventually be loved.
When I say "teach," I mean acquiring that primal sense of security your mother should have provided, which you then develop with your father, maturing over the years into a healthy adult personality integrated into your society.

Did you succeed?

I think most of us fail by the tenth year! Because if it were that easy, we wouldn't need parents or a community; we would live like snakes, solitary and cold, rather than like mammals (which is what we are). We just swap an addiction to a partner for an addiction to a therapist. We become even sicker: we convince ourselves we can do everything alone and that we are entirely self-sufficient. What comforting lies! Beautiful consolations and pretty words. The best advice I’ve ever heard is to "start small," to find happiness in personal health and self-care. All of that helps, and it's fine. I love sports (I'm a gym and running guy), I love meditation (Osho is my guru), I love reading (currently diving into Bowlby), I love cooking (Mediterranean style), I love my job (I won't tell you what it is), and I love being social (BBQs and beer), but....
I don't have parents, I don't have brothers or sisters, I have no extended family, and I completely uprooted my entire life and moved away because of the divorce.

She didn't love me because I didn't love myself, which stems from the fact that my own mother never loved me.

And that's the bottom line. I was looking for something from her that I should have received from my mother. A perfect target. I was persistent, becoming better, harder working, and more diligent, only to realize in the end that it was all pointless. So what should I do now? Work on myself (learn to love myself) just so I can find someone else to love me? Hahahaha, I think I’d rather stay in this black depression I'm in. First, psychologists teach us that things must happen "naturally," and then they turn around and say we MUST put in extraordinary effort and work on ourselves. Who's the crazy one here? Us, paying them huge sums of money, or them, exploiting us?

I’ve actually got a much better theory!
(It requires zero labor, zero effort, and it's completely free)

Let's just act as each other's "therapists." Honestly, who else is going to truly get us or feel what we're going through better than people facing the exact same struggles? We should support one another, learn from one another, and just let things happen naturally. Let's build a community.

Here is what we stand to gain:
A kindred circle (so we stop bothering neighbors who don't understand our headspace);
We save a fortune on professional therapy costs (though we'll still need a little cash for coffee);
We won't have to face this alone.

Feel free to hit my inbox, but I'm setting one ground rule: do not message me about sex or marriage. I am looking for walks, deep conversations, and grabbing a coffee. Maybe hitting the beach or doing some sports.

Don't let them get you down!

OK
I've reached a point where I simply don't have the will to keep going...
Is there anyone out there who can help me navigate this through some form of psychotherapy?

Greetings to all!

I am currently seeking a new acquaintance—gender is irrelevant to me, as I am already in a relationship. I am a 34-year-old man who recently relocated from Seattle to Chicago. I am looking for someone who genuinely enjoys conversation and social engagement. My interests are somewhat varied: grabbing coffee, going out on the town, cycling, computer science, exploring the local food scene, or perhaps catching a film at the cinema...

Greetings. If there happens to be anyone here seeking genuine friendship, please feel free to reach out.
Place:San Diego

Hey there!

Looking for someone to chat with, ideally between 29 and 35 years old.

Hey there,
I’m 25. I’m looking for a younger woman, maybe around 21-28, for what could hopefully turn into a long-term friendship. I just want someone to talk to about absolutely anything without feeling judged—someone to grab coffee with, go for walks, hit up a bar, head out for a night on the town, catch some waves at the beach, or go on road trips. Basically, all the stuff I haven't really experienced yet. To be honest, I don't have any true friends right now. I kind of pulled away from my group after high school because everything felt so superficial, you know? It was more like being acquaintances than actual friends. Sadly, I struggle with social anxiety, and growing up in a pretty unstable environment didn't help. Dealing with people has always been a bit of a battle for me.

Anyway, I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. I'm a normal, healthy person. I just really want to finally start living life while I can. And I don't just mean partying 24/7; I mean just basic, necessary socializing.
I work for a living rather than being in school. For a while now, I've wanted to move out of my parents' place, but I really don't want to live alone. So, I'm totally open to finding a roommate too.

Male, late twenties. I'm an introvert living out in Appalachia. My vibe is mostly dark humor, movies, and rock music. Just looking for someone to chat with to break up the monotony of the daily grind.

Greetings once again!
I’m looking to connect with anyone who enjoys a good conversation, whether we're diving into deep topics or just chatting about the little things in life. Perhaps if we find we have a lot in common, we could even grab a coffee somewhere nearby... Age isn't a huge factor for me, though I am 24 myself, so please do reach out 🙂

If anyone out in Indianapolis is looking for some company, hit me up in my DMs

Charles Edwards98 said:Hey there,
I’m 25. I’m looking for a younger woman, maybe around 21-28, for what could hopefully turn into a long-term friendship. I just want someone to talk to about absolutely anything without feeling judged—someone to grab coffee with, go for walks, hit up a bar, head out for a night on the town, catch some waves at the beach, or go on road trips. Basically, all the stuff I haven't really experienced yet. To be honest, I don't have any true friends right now. I kind of pulled away from my group after high school because everything felt so superficial, you know? It was more like being acquaintances than actual friends. Sadly, I struggle with social anxiety, and growing up in a pretty unstable environment didn't help. Dealing with people has always been a bit of a battle for me.

Anyway, I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. I'm a normal, healthy person. I just really want to finally start living life while I can. And I don't just mean partying 24/7; I mean just basic, necessary socializing.
I work for a living rather than being in school. For a while now, I've wanted to move out of my parents' place, but I really don't want to live alone. So, I'm totally open to finding a roommate too.

A younger guy could reach out too. If you're just looking for someone to hang out with, chat, walk, grab a drink, or catch a movie...
I'm a good person—pretty bubbly and open once I finally settle in and relax.
I'm not hunting for a relationship here, but I'm open to seeing where things go.

Just someone who’s pretty much over it all. I don't really fit in anywhere, including here. Unappreciated, down-to-earth, simple (but complicated, obviously).
I see things from the inside, not the outside.
Based in Chicago or the surrounding areas if we actually decide to meet up, but I'm open to other options.

Greetings. I am looking for someone to engage in correspondence with, potentially leading to meeting up for coffee, hiking, or similar activities down the road. I am based in the Seattle area or Chicago. Male, 32 years old.

Charles Edwards98 said:Hey there,
I’m 25. I’m looking for a younger woman, maybe around 21-28, for what could hopefully turn into a long-term friendship. I just want someone to talk to about absolutely anything without feeling judged—someone to grab coffee with, go for walks, hit up a bar, head out for a night on the town, catch some waves at the beach, or go on road trips. Basically, all the stuff I haven't really experienced yet. To be honest, I don't have any true friends right now. I kind of pulled away from my group after high school because everything felt so superficial, you know? It was more like being acquaintances than actual friends. Sadly, I struggle with social anxiety, and growing up in a pretty unstable environment didn't help. Dealing with people has always been a bit of a battle for me.

Anyway, I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. I'm a normal, healthy person. I just really want to finally start living life while I can. And I don't just mean partying 24/7; I mean just basic, necessary socializing.
I work for a living rather than being in school. For a while now, I've wanted to move out of my parents' place, but I really don't want to live alone. So, I'm totally open to finding a roommate too.

This isn't active anymore.

Charles Edwards98 said:A younger guy could reach out too. If you're just looking for someone to hang out with, chat, walk, grab a drink, or catch a movie...
I'm a good person—pretty bubbly and open once I finally settle in and relax.
I'm not hunting for a relationship here, but I'm open to seeing where things go.

This isn't active anymore.

Hey, looking for someone to chat with—ideally between 20 and 30. Gender doesn't matter to me; I'm just looking to kill some time. We can talk about whatever comes to mind.

Our group has kind of drifted apart lately—some people tied the knot, some moved out of the States chasing better opportunities, others just got too busy with work... I'm looking for someone, guy or girl, to chat with, grab a drink, go for bike rides, hit some road trips, etc. Just looking to meet people, make friends, or maybe even something more (hey, you never know right?)...
I'm a guy, just turned 36, living in Chicago. Looking for someone roughly 25-37. Honestly, doesn't matter where you're located in the US; I've got a car, so I can travel pretty much anywhere if we vibe...
Just so you know, I don't drink or smoke. I'm easy to talk to and I don't have any skeletons in my closet (wanted to get that out of the way since I see it's a big deal on here)...

Hit me up for anything else, my inbox is open...

Hey there...

The ad is no longer active!

briskpuma6 said:I’ve been chewing on this step for a long time, but here I am, finally stepping into the ring. To be blunt, I don't "trust" therapists; my past experiences with them have been nothing short of a disaster. It always feels like things that should be resolved in a month get dragged out for years for absolutely no reason. There is a motive behind that stalling, certainly, but it definitely isn't working in the patient's favor. So, I decided to take matters into my own hands and dig through the literature myself to figure out what is actually happening and how to climb out of this hole. I’ve read through almost the entire saga of the "current" situation—her divorce, her psychological state, all of it—and I found myself staring at a mirror of my own story. Her last post hit me the hardest: ten years later, and there is still no peace. I’ll offer my answer right at the start, then I’ll attempt to explain. I won't dive into the gritty details just yet; I'll save those for a later conversation, if anyone actually wants to hear them.

My take is that she is stuck in this exact same state because she is making one massive mistake, year after year: she is looking for the wrong thing from the wrong person!

I fell into that exact same trap with my ex-wife, spinning in a loop for a while. People told me—and she told me—that she loved me, but she just needed "time"; that she had a traumatic childhood; that I needed to be more understanding; that I needed to learn to love myself and that she was my soulmate... In reality, I didn't even know what love was (ridiculous, isn't it?); I didn't know who was supposed to give it to me; I didn't even understand why two people get married in the first place. I knew NOTHING! And when you know nothing, you just sit down and wait for the floor to fall out from under you.

I discovered that love is a "decision."
I discovered that love is something you "learn" (from your mother; it isn't some innate instinct).
I discovered that to be loved by someone, you have to love yourself; and I also discovered that to love yourself (listen closely!), you have to have been loved by others first (primarily your parents).
I discovered that without love, people die and fall ill (psychologically first, then physically).
I discovered that people who can truly be alone are never actually alone: the love of their parents, siblings, and family is always present (you can hear their influence constantly in your daily life).
I discovered that too much love can lead to a catastrophe.
I discovered that you will likely end up in the same kind of relationship your parents were in.

If you have a moderate amount of love (your family loves you, your community loves you, and you love yourself, and you are loved in return), then you have the will to live; otherwise, you are either paralyzed or hyperactive.

So, let me repeat the core of this vicious cycle: to love yourself, you MUST have been loved; and to be loved, you MUST love yourself.

How do you break the loop?

Therapists act as if, by some divine gift, you can simply teach yourself to love yourself so that you can eventually be loved.
When I say "teach," I mean acquiring that primal sense of security your mother should have provided, which you then develop with your father, maturing over the years into a healthy adult personality integrated into your society.

Did you succeed?

I think most of us fail by the tenth year! Because if it were that easy, we wouldn't need parents or a community; we would live like snakes, solitary and cold, rather than like mammals (which is what we are). We just swap an addiction to a partner for an addiction to a therapist. We become even sicker: we convince ourselves we can do everything alone and that we are entirely self-sufficient. What comforting lies! Beautiful consolations and pretty words. The best advice I’ve ever heard is to "start small," to find happiness in personal health and self-care. All of that helps, and it's fine. I love sports (I'm a gym and running guy), I love meditation (Osho is my guru), I love reading (currently diving into Bowlby), I love cooking (Mediterranean style), I love my job (I won't tell you what it is), and I love being social (BBQs and beer), but....
I don't have parents, I don't have brothers or sisters, I have no extended family, and I completely uprooted my entire life and moved away because of the divorce.

She didn't love me because I didn't love myself, which stems from the fact that my own mother never loved me.

And that's the bottom line. I was looking for something from her that I should have received from my mother. A perfect target. I was persistent, becoming better, harder working, and more diligent, only to realize in the end that it was all pointless. So what should I do now? Work on myself (learn to love myself) just so I can find someone else to love me? Hahahaha, I think I’d rather stay in this black depression I'm in. First, psychologists teach us that things must happen "naturally," and then they turn around and say we MUST put in extraordinary effort and work on ourselves. Who's the crazy one here? Us, paying them huge sums of money, or them, exploiting us?

I’ve actually got a much better theory!
(It requires zero labor, zero effort, and it's completely free)

Let's just act as each other's "therapists." Honestly, who else is going to truly get us or feel what we're going through better than people facing the exact same struggles? We should support one another, learn from one another, and just let things happen naturally. Let's build a community.

Here is what we stand to gain:
A kindred circle (so we stop bothering neighbors who don't understand our headspace);
We save a fortune on professional therapy costs (though we'll still need a little cash for coffee);
We won't have to face this alone.

Feel free to hit my inbox, but I'm setting one ground rule: do not message me about sex or marriage. I am looking for walks, deep conversations, and grabbing a coffee. Maybe hitting the beach or doing some sports.

Don't let them get you down!

This post is no longer active!

Male, 31, living in Washington, D.C. I’m dealing with anxiety and depression—panic attacks, social anxiety, the whole isolation cycle. Usually just an introvert, decent looking, live alone, financially independent, and I have a million hobbies that come and go, you know how it is.

I'm looking for someone (F, 25-40) to just talk about absolutely anything. Maybe even start with an occasional walk if the weather isn't trash? Honestly, I wouldn't mind if we just sat there in total silence the whole time—that actually sounds way better to me than some endless, exhausting interrogation over text messages.

If I had to describe myself, I’d say I’m a solid listener. I don't judge people, and I can offer genuine support when things get heavy. But again, even just a quiet stroll is perfectly fine by me. You have to start somewhere, right?🙂

P.S. Looking for someone local to the Washington, D.C. area.

If anyone is looking to pass the time with some messaging, I’m open to whatever. 22-year-old male from Washington, D.C. Gender doesn't matter to me, M or F
My inbox is open 🙂