Fear of making mistakes / Living vicariously through others

Hey everyone.
Something’s been eating at me. Honestly, probably for a long time now. I’ve got an older sister by a year and a younger brother. The three of us are really close. Since she’s my big sis, we grew up practically attached at the hip—you know, girl stuff. We were always there for each other, studied together, lived together, graduated together. Fast forward to today, we’re all married with families of our own, living in different cities across the country.

I’ve always been the chill one, while she’s definitely the loud, high-energy type. I don't go looking for trouble, but she kind of does. We have totally different personalities, which is fine, I guess. But what’s killing me is how much my mood depends on her. I care about them (her specifically) so much that when she’s happy, life is great, but when she’s spiraling, I literally get a stomachache.

She’ll come to me for advice, but then she just does whatever she wants anyway. She makes these impulsive moves that I would never dream of—she's pretty reckless, whereas I’m way more cautious. And then, when the plan blows up in her face—cue the drama. I sit there listening to her vent about how the world is against them and everything. Now, because I can basically predict the script, I try to suggest better ideas beforehand... but no. It always ends up with her saying I'm trying to control her or push her around or make her look stupid.

I know this sounds like some cliché sibling story, but I’m posting here because I don't have the time or money to see a therapist right now. If I could, I totally would. I think I have a problem. I catastrophize their lives so much that it actually makes me feel physically sick. Like, her husband lost his job, so they decided he should move overseas to find work so she and the kids can follow him later. It's constant.

I don't even know how to explain it. My husband is seriously wonderful and so patient... but when he finally told me to stop bringing them up because I'm stressing myself out over nothing, it really made me wonder.
I’m constantly complaining about them, mourning their struggles, thinking... why them? Why is this happening to them? Logic tells me everyone is responsible for their own life, but the second I start thinking about it, I start spiraling internally again.

Honestly, if I won the Powerball right now, I’d give them everything just so they could clear their debts and be set, but I have a feeling that wouldn't even stop the drama. Or am I wrong? Maybe they're just going through a rough patch... and I just want them to be happy. Maybe. But this "rough patch" has been dragging on for five years. It’s always something. I’m always the one listening and comforting. When my phone rings and I see it's her, my stomach literally knots up because I have no idea what bad news is coming. Is it money issues? Did one of the kids get hurt? Is there fighting in the house? Sometimes things are fine and I feel relieved, but other times, I actually feel guilty that my husband and I have steady jobs and things are going smoothly. We have a little girl, and I try so hard to make sure she doesn't sense my anxiety, but sometimes I just can't help it.😕

Sorry if I sound crazy, but please, give me some reality check. If I was clear enough, though... have any of you ever had this kind of toxic, rollercoaster relationship with someone, and did you actually manage to fix it?

And just how much of your life is actually perfect? I mean, are there truly no worries or issues to navigate when it comes to your spouse, your surroundings, or even yourself...

Michelle Evans said:And just how much of your life is actually perfect? I mean, are there truly no worries or issues to navigate when it comes to your spouse, your surroundings, or even yourself...

I mean, I’m pretty happy with my life, I guess. I have an amazing kid, I love my husband, he loves me... we have a great relationship and our paychecks are fine for now. Yeah, we’re renting and we’re driving an old beat-up car, but when you crunch the numbers and look at the big picture—we’re happy.

It just eats at me that I can't help my family more (aside from sending them a little cash here and there).

To be honest, maybe I didn't even fully get what you were asking. It just bothers me that it doesn't feel normal to be so wrapped up in everything that it basically paralyzes my daily routine. And that I tend to catastrophize everything. I guess.

Sometimes people obsess over everyone else's business because it’s easier than facing their own issues. It gives them this false sense of purpose, acting like they're actually being productive when they're really just wasting emotional energy on things that don't matter...
That's why I was asking about your life.

Michelle Evans said:Sometimes people obsess over everyone else's business because it’s easier than facing their own issues. It gives them this false sense of purpose, acting like they're actually being productive when they're really just wasting emotional energy on things that don't matter...
That's why I was asking about your life.

I mean, yeah, that makes sense. But I don't think that's really what's going on with me. I guess it's more like... I don't know, a learned pattern that just spiraled out of control. I've mentioned this before, but for most of my life, I was constantly terrified for my parents. I basically lived for those tiny moments when they weren't fighting, always scared he was gonna kill her. Now that I'm finally done with them, I'm just stuck being terrified for my sister instead.

I've got my own life sorted out. I could probably find ten husbands if I wanted to. But whatever.

Chill out for a second and realize that everyone’s gotta figure their own way out of the mess... You're getting way too wrapped up in your sister's drama. If she decides to pack her bags and move halfway across the country, honestly, that's probably for the best for them. She'll likely live a decent life and deal with way fewer headaches than she is right now. When you actually love someone, you have to let them fly the coop and find their own path 😁
Seriously though, go find yourself a hobby or something...

And how exactly did you manage to distance yourself from your parents?

I totally agree—this is a textbook learned behavior pattern right here. You two are incredibly close, so it’s only natural that you feel her pain so deeply. But honestly? This whole dynamic started heading down the wrong path a long time ago. Listen to her, sure, and lend a hand when it actually makes sense, but you aren't her on-call therapist for every single little thing that goes wrong, and frankly, you shouldn't be carrying that weight either. It really just boils down to one simple question: can you actually help or not? If the answer is no, then pull the plug and distract yourself immediately. Because let’s be real—worrying and feeling sorry for her isn't going to change a damn thing, except for draining your own happiness and wrecking your mental health.

thanks Zac Efron 🙂

I don't know, Michelle Evans. It took me forever to finally realize they basically chose this path for themselves. I still drop by once a month, and I talk to my mom every single day... but she doesn't really open up about her problems anymore. I mean, I still feel bad for them, I guess, but I try to just move on and think about something else pretty quickly.

With my sister, though, it’s a totally different story. I feel like it's on me to help her out, to give her advice and stuff... because we're the same age, and because I feel bad, and because we both dealt with our own versions of trauma from growing up in that house... but I honestly think she got the raw end of the deal. Like, it hit her way harder and just made her miserable. So, yeah.

thanks to everyone helping out

Nancy Johnson9 said:Hey everyone.
Something’s been eating at me. Honestly, probably for a long time now. I’ve got an older sister by a year and a younger brother. The three of us are really close. Since she’s my big sis, we grew up practically attached at the hip—you know, girl stuff. We were always there for each other, studied together, lived together, graduated together. Fast forward to today, we’re all married with families of our own, living in different cities across the country.

I’ve always been the chill one, while she’s definitely the loud, high-energy type. I don't go looking for trouble, but she kind of does. We have totally different personalities, which is fine, I guess. But what’s killing me is how much my mood depends on her. I care about them (her specifically) so much that when she’s happy, life is great, but when she’s spiraling, I literally get a stomachache.

She’ll come to me for advice, but then she just does whatever she wants anyway. She makes these impulsive moves that I would never dream of—she's pretty reckless, whereas I’m way more cautious. And then, when the plan blows up in her face—cue the drama. I sit there listening to her vent about how the world is against them and everything. Now, because I can basically predict the script, I try to suggest better ideas beforehand... but no. It always ends up with her saying I'm trying to control her or push her around or make her look stupid.

I know this sounds like some cliché sibling story, but I’m posting here because I don't have the time or money to see a therapist right now. If I could, I totally would. I think I have a problem. I catastrophize their lives so much that it actually makes me feel physically sick. Like, her husband lost his job, so they decided he should move overseas to find work so she and the kids can follow him later. It's constant.

I don't even know how to explain it. My husband is seriously wonderful and so patient... but when he finally told me to stop bringing them up because I'm stressing myself out over nothing, it really made me wonder.
I’m constantly complaining about them, mourning their struggles, thinking... why them? Why is this happening to them? Logic tells me everyone is responsible for their own life, but the second I start thinking about it, I start spiraling internally again.

Honestly, if I won the Powerball right now, I’d give them everything just so they could clear their debts and be set, but I have a feeling that wouldn't even stop the drama. Or am I wrong? Maybe they're just going through a rough patch... and I just want them to be happy. Maybe. But this "rough patch" has been dragging on for five years. It’s always something. I’m always the one listening and comforting. When my phone rings and I see it's her, my stomach literally knots up because I have no idea what bad news is coming. Is it money issues? Did one of the kids get hurt? Is there fighting in the house? Sometimes things are fine and I feel relieved, but other times, I actually feel guilty that my husband and I have steady jobs and things are going smoothly. We have a little girl, and I try so hard to make sure she doesn't sense my anxiety, but sometimes I just can't help it.😕

Sorry if I sound crazy, but please, give me some reality check. If I was clear enough, though... have any of you ever had this kind of toxic, rollercoaster relationship with someone, and did you actually manage to fix it?

Some people claim they’re looking for help, but that isn't actually the case. What they’re really doing is searching for a dumping ground for their emotional baggage. If you happen to be an empathetic person—and if you have any sense at all—it’s incredibly easy to get caught up in the fallout of their actions. Because of how they are wired, their behavior will never align with what you expect or what you deserve. That’s where the friction starts, leading to a toxic feedback loop that nobody asked for.

It’s a tough one. 🤷

Nancy Johnson9 said:Hey everyone.
Something’s been eating at me. Honestly, probably for a long time now. I’ve got an older sister by a year and a younger brother. The three of us are really close. Since she’s my big sis, we grew up practically attached at the hip—you know, girl stuff. We were always there for each other, studied together, lived together, graduated together. Fast forward to today, we’re all married with families of our own, living in different cities across the country.

I’ve always been the chill one, while she’s definitely the loud, high-energy type. I don't go looking for trouble, but she kind of does. We have totally different personalities, which is fine, I guess. But what’s killing me is how much my mood depends on her. I care about them (her specifically) so much that when she’s happy, life is great, but when she’s spiraling, I literally get a stomachache.

She’ll come to me for advice, but then she just does whatever she wants anyway. She makes these impulsive moves that I would never dream of—she's pretty reckless, whereas I’m way more cautious. And then, when the plan blows up in her face—cue the drama. I sit there listening to her vent about how the world is against them and everything. Now, because I can basically predict the script, I try to suggest better ideas beforehand... but no. It always ends up with her saying I'm trying to control her or push her around or make her look stupid.

I know this sounds like some cliché sibling story, but I’m posting here because I don't have the time or money to see a therapist right now. If I could, I totally would. I think I have a problem. I catastrophize their lives so much that it actually makes me feel physically sick. Like, her husband lost his job, so they decided he should move overseas to find work so she and the kids can follow him later. It's constant.

I don't even know how to explain it. My husband is seriously wonderful and so patient... but when he finally told me to stop bringing them up because I'm stressing myself out over nothing, it really made me wonder.
I’m constantly complaining about them, mourning their struggles, thinking... why them? Why is this happening to them? Logic tells me everyone is responsible for their own life, but the second I start thinking about it, I start spiraling internally again.

Honestly, if I won the Powerball right now, I’d give them everything just so they could clear their debts and be set, but I have a feeling that wouldn't even stop the drama. Or am I wrong? Maybe they're just going through a rough patch... and I just want them to be happy. Maybe. But this "rough patch" has been dragging on for five years. It’s always something. I’m always the one listening and comforting. When my phone rings and I see it's her, my stomach literally knots up because I have no idea what bad news is coming. Is it money issues? Did one of the kids get hurt? Is there fighting in the house? Sometimes things are fine and I feel relieved, but other times, I actually feel guilty that my husband and I have steady jobs and things are going smoothly. We have a little girl, and I try so hard to make sure she doesn't sense my anxiety, but sometimes I just can't help it.😕

Sorry if I sound crazy, but please, give me some reality check. If I was clear enough, though... have any of you ever had this kind of toxic, rollercoaster relationship with someone, and did you actually manage to fix it?

Sometimes, silence is the best policy. If talking about someone only ends up causing pain, it’s better to just leave it alone. ☕

Nancy Johnson9 said:Hey everyone.
Something’s been eating at me. Honestly, probably for a long time now. I’ve got an older sister by a year and a younger brother. The three of us are really close. Since she’s my big sis, we grew up practically attached at the hip—you know, girl stuff. We were always there for each other, studied together, lived together, graduated together. Fast forward to today, we’re all married with families of our own, living in different cities across the country.

I’ve always been the chill one, while she’s definitely the loud, high-energy type. I don't go looking for trouble, but she kind of does. We have totally different personalities, which is fine, I guess. But what’s killing me is how much my mood depends on her. I care about them (her specifically) so much that when she’s happy, life is great, but when she’s spiraling, I literally get a stomachache.

She’ll come to me for advice, but then she just does whatever she wants anyway. She makes these impulsive moves that I would never dream of—she's pretty reckless, whereas I’m way more cautious. And then, when the plan blows up in her face—cue the drama. I sit there listening to her vent about how the world is against them and everything. Now, because I can basically predict the script, I try to suggest better ideas beforehand... but no. It always ends up with her saying I'm trying to control her or push her around or make her look stupid.

I know this sounds like some cliché sibling story, but I’m posting here because I don't have the time or money to see a therapist right now. If I could, I totally would. I think I have a problem. I catastrophize their lives so much that it actually makes me feel physically sick. Like, her husband lost his job, so they decided he should move overseas to find work so she and the kids can follow him later. It's constant.

I don't even know how to explain it. My husband is seriously wonderful and so patient... but when he finally told me to stop bringing them up because I'm stressing myself out over nothing, it really made me wonder.
I’m constantly complaining about them, mourning their struggles, thinking... why them? Why is this happening to them? Logic tells me everyone is responsible for their own life, but the second I start thinking about it, I start spiraling internally again.

Honestly, if I won the Powerball right now, I’d give them everything just so they could clear their debts and be set, but I have a feeling that wouldn't even stop the drama. Or am I wrong? Maybe they're just going through a rough patch... and I just want them to be happy. Maybe. But this "rough patch" has been dragging on for five years. It’s always something. I’m always the one listening and comforting. When my phone rings and I see it's her, my stomach literally knots up because I have no idea what bad news is coming. Is it money issues? Did one of the kids get hurt? Is there fighting in the house? Sometimes things are fine and I feel relieved, but other times, I actually feel guilty that my husband and I have steady jobs and things are going smoothly. We have a little girl, and I try so hard to make sure she doesn't sense my anxiety, but sometimes I just can't help it.😕

Sorry if I sound crazy, but please, give me some reality check. If I was clear enough, though... have any of you ever had this kind of toxic, rollercoaster relationship with someone, and did you actually manage to fix it?

When it’s your sister, you don't just walk away. You feel for her, you want better for her, but she keeps creating these messes—and you’re the one left picking up the pieces. You end up carrying the weight of her drama like it's your own responsibility. It’s easy for outsiders to say, "Just let it go," but when there’s a real emotional bond involved, that’s almost impossible to do. 🤷

Nancy Johnson9 said:Hey everyone.
Something’s been eating at me. Honestly, probably for a long time now. I’ve got an older sister by a year and a younger brother. The three of us are really close. Since she’s my big sis, we grew up practically attached at the hip—you know, girl stuff. We were always there for each other, studied together, lived together, graduated together. Fast forward to today, we’re all married with families of our own, living in different cities across the country.

I’ve always been the chill one, while she’s definitely the loud, high-energy type. I don't go looking for trouble, but she kind of does. We have totally different personalities, which is fine, I guess. But what’s killing me is how much my mood depends on her. I care about them (her specifically) so much that when she’s happy, life is great, but when she’s spiraling, I literally get a stomachache.

She’ll come to me for advice, but then she just does whatever she wants anyway. She makes these impulsive moves that I would never dream of—she's pretty reckless, whereas I’m way more cautious. And then, when the plan blows up in her face—cue the drama. I sit there listening to her vent about how the world is against them and everything. Now, because I can basically predict the script, I try to suggest better ideas beforehand... but no. It always ends up with her saying I'm trying to control her or push her around or make her look stupid.

I know this sounds like some cliché sibling story, but I’m posting here because I don't have the time or money to see a therapist right now. If I could, I totally would. I think I have a problem. I catastrophize their lives so much that it actually makes me feel physically sick. Like, her husband lost his job, so they decided he should move overseas to find work so she and the kids can follow him later. It's constant.

I don't even know how to explain it. My husband is seriously wonderful and so patient... but when he finally told me to stop bringing them up because I'm stressing myself out over nothing, it really made me wonder.
I’m constantly complaining about them, mourning their struggles, thinking... why them? Why is this happening to them? Logic tells me everyone is responsible for their own life, but the second I start thinking about it, I start spiraling internally again.

Honestly, if I won the Powerball right now, I’d give them everything just so they could clear their debts and be set, but I have a feeling that wouldn't even stop the drama. Or am I wrong? Maybe they're just going through a rough patch... and I just want them to be happy. Maybe. But this "rough patch" has been dragging on for five years. It’s always something. I’m always the one listening and comforting. When my phone rings and I see it's her, my stomach literally knots up because I have no idea what bad news is coming. Is it money issues? Did one of the kids get hurt? Is there fighting in the house? Sometimes things are fine and I feel relieved, but other times, I actually feel guilty that my husband and I have steady jobs and things are going smoothly. We have a little girl, and I try so hard to make sure she doesn't sense my anxiety, but sometimes I just can't help it.😕

Sorry if I sound crazy, but please, give me some reality check. If I was clear enough, though... have any of you ever had this kind of toxic, rollercoaster relationship with someone, and did you actually manage to fix it?

Honestly, this reminds me of my wife and her relationship with her sister. 🙂 My only advice is this: regardless of how much you care, put yourself first. Help where you can, but don't sacrifice your mental health in the process. Find something else to occupy your mind. If she calls too often, just ask her to dial it back a bit and read this:
Setting and maintaining boundaries