How do I let people in and actually start living again?

I’m honestly not even sure where to start with this. I don't know what possessed me to actually jump on a forum and vent, but whatever, just hear me out 🙂

We’ve been together for eight years now. We started dating when we were just seventeen or eighteen, and we haven't really spent a day apart since... But looking back at those eight years, the last five have basically been one long cycle of fighting and breaking up... There was never some massive, obvious reason for it; we just clashed constantly. It’s been brutal—tons of pain, suffering, tears, sleepless nights, and saying things to each other that were way too harsh. Yet, despite all the chaos, we never actually walked away for good... We decided "this is it, it’s over" more times than I can count, but somehow we always ended up right back together... I can't tell if we were just terrified of being alone or if there was something else going on, but one thing is certain: there was an incredible amount of love and passion driving us

So here's the deal... After five years of living like that, I feel like I’ve completely shut down. I’ve retreated into myself and locked the door. My partner is still right here next to me, but I’m just not that happy, upbeat, smiling guy I was five years ago. It’s hard for me to show any emotion now. I’m constantly anxious, depressed, and just generally miserable... And on paper, I shouldn't be. I’ve got way more going for me than most people my age—I've got my degree, a solid career, a good paycheck, great friends, supportive parents, and I'm healthy... But none of it matters because I don't feel happy or fulfilled. Honestly, I just feel empty, like there's no life left in me. I go through the motions, I do my job, I hang out with my friends, I go out at night—but I do it all feeling absolutely nothing. It’s like my life is just a flat line. I’ve reached a point where I don't care if I get a promotion tomorrow or lose my job entirely... I don't even care if I wake up in the morning or not... All those fights clearly left deep scars, and they've brought me to where I am now: nowhere

The thing that’s eating at me the most is whether I’ll ever be able to open up to this girl again—the one I've spent a third of my life with. Will I ever be able to be truly happy with her without this constant sense of dread and sadness creeping in? Can I ever really let her in and actually live my life again?

She’s still here by my side, and I’ve laid it all out for her, exactly how I’m telling you guys... She said she understands and that she wants to stay with me... But I’m just not convinced I can ever be that old version of myself again, at least not with her... That's how it feels right now. Because everything about her serves as a reminder of the past, and it just triggers this endless loop of anxiety, sadness, and fear

Honestly, my first thought reading this is—run. Like, get out while you still can.

I totally get why walking away feels impossible. I’ve been with my partner for five years now; we started dating when I was just 17. You grew up together. You navigated high school, college, that first real job... you've seen it all. But man, I don't think this relationship actually makes you happy. I mean, it's pretty obvious you aren't happy because you literally said so right here 😁. That's my two cents 🤔. Looking back at everything you wrote, you didn't mention loving her once. Not even once. You talk about the fights and the emotional scars, but there isn't a single positive thing about the bond you two share.
Just because you keep circling back to each other doesn't mean it's love. It's way too easy to mistake habit and fear for actual affection. You're used to being a unit. Everyone else expects you to be a unit. Over the years, you've basically fused into one person, and now it's going to take some serious guts to untangle yourselves. Fear is a hell of a drug. Maybe you're scared of the unknown, or maybe you're terrified she really *is* the one and you just haven't realized it yet. Or maybe you're just scared of the uncertainty of being single—it's much easier to stay put than to hit the bars, meet new people, and go on dates only to have them blow up in your face five times in a row. There's also that "worst-case scenario" loop: the fear that you'll just break up and make up again, over and over.

Look, it's possible you're dealing with depression. If that's the case, definitely reach out to a therapist or a doctor. But you really need to figure out if the depression is coming from the relationship itself, or if it's something else entirely that just happens to be hitting you while you're with her.

Look, I can't speak to your specific relationship situation, but man, I’ve been in that exact same headspace—that hollow, empty void. It was like I was some kind of mindless drone just going through the motions, checking boxes and doing what needed to be done, but feeling absolutely nothing inside.

After spending way too much time diving deep into how thoughts and emotions actually work, I realized it’s honestly all pretty simple. Our own brains are basically the remote control; if you use certain thoughts to shut down your feelings, you end up feeling numb, but you can also use them to flip the switch back on. I started making a conscious effort to hunt for those little wins in my daily routine—you know, those small, beautiful details or just things to be genuinely grateful for. I started keeping a journal of good stuff that happened, looking for a silver lining in every crappy situation, and listening to more music that actually moved me. After about six months of grinding through that, the whole fog just lifted.

I really hope you can find your way out of it too. 🙂

It sounds to me like you should end that relationship immediately and finally start living your actual life! Don't you think a connection built on such shaky ground is destined to fail, regardless of how things look right now?

I’ve been in a nearly identical situation myself. I was involved with a guy who struggled with serious mental health issues, and he managed to pass a huge chunk of his chaos down to me. After years of constant fighting and tension, I went from being a totally normal person to feeling like a complete robot—I actually forgot how to behave normally! Even though he eventually calmed down and the arguments stopped after a few years, I still ended the relationship the very moment an opportunity arose because I just couldn't shake the past. But let me tell you, it was a total rebirth! I went from a hopeless situation back to being my true self in every way—professionally, socially, and mentally. I'm finally that person again with big dreams and real plans!

Thanks for all the input, everyone...

The thing that’s really eating at me is whether I’ll ever be able to just let my guard down and be vulnerable with her again. It’s not that I don't care—I love her, truly. Everything about who she is hits home for me: her personality, her values, how she sees the world, her habits, even her look and what she wants out of life... If I had a magic wand, I’d build a whole life with her, but not under these conditions. Not like this. I want the version where things are easy, peaceful, and actually fun. But right now, that feels light-years away. There’s this constant knot of anxiety in my chest that won't let me laugh or feel happy... and it isn't just when I'm with her. Even when I'm hanging out with friends or grinding at work, I feel it. I guess when I'm busy or distracted, I can pretend for a second that none of this is happening.

So, where does that leave me? The wounds are still raw, but what happens in a month? Or a year?

I'm spiraling through a million "what ifs." What if I walk away and realize this was just a rough patch, and I end up regretting losing someone like her? Finding real love isn't exactly something you stumble upon every day...

But then, what if I stay and I just keep feeling this miserable?

And on the flip side, I can't just cut her loose without a second thought. It would absolutely crush her, and I honestly don't know if I could live with myself knowing I caused that kind of pain.

Man... 😢

Look, if you want my two cents, you either need to hit up a therapist on your own or both of you should look into marriage counseling—and hey, you don't even have to be married to go. Either way, you can see this isn't working. You're basically just slamming your head against a brick wall, and since that wall isn't moving an inch, it's only going to get more exhausting every single day.

Good luck 🙂

There are certain aspects of your situation that simply don't align for me. You maintain that you love her deeply, that she fits perfectly into your life, and that you truly cannot imagine being without her. You also mention that she cares for you immensely and that you've shared eight years together. Yet, on the other hand, you describe these arguments as being so frequent and so volatile that you find yourselves constantly breaking up and reconciling, a cycle that is clearly taking a heavy toll on your ability to lead a stable, normal life.
It strikes me as quite peculiar how these two realities can coexist, given how fundamentally they contradict one another. I can't help but suspect that the first part might be little more than an illusion, while the second part represents the harsh truth of your relationship. If you truly loved her and if she were truly right for you, your connection wouldn't be defined by constant reminders of stress, misery, heartache, and fear.
In my view, it would be best if you both decided to go your separate ways and focus on building independent lives. Perhaps you should spend some time apart. After a year or two, you will have much more clarity as to whether you feel more fulfilled living solo or if you actually feel worse off without the partnership.

Just end this relationship. It has completely drained you emotionally. 😳 😳

Joseph Ramirez9 said:Thanks for all the input, everyone...

The thing that’s really eating at me is whether I’ll ever be able to just let my guard down and be vulnerable with her again. It’s not that I don't care—I love her, truly. Everything about who she is hits home for me: her personality, her values, how she sees the world, her habits, even her look and what she wants out of life... If I had a magic wand, I’d build a whole life with her, but not under these conditions. Not like this. I want the version where things are easy, peaceful, and actually fun. But right now, that feels light-years away. There’s this constant knot of anxiety in my chest that won't let me laugh or feel happy... and it isn't just when I'm with her. Even when I'm hanging out with friends or grinding at work, I feel it. I guess when I'm busy or distracted, I can pretend for a second that none of this is happening.

So, where does that leave me? The wounds are still raw, but what happens in a month? Or a year?

I'm spiraling through a million "what ifs." What if I walk away and realize this was just a rough patch, and I end up regretting losing someone like her? Finding real love isn't exactly something you stumble upon every day...

But then, what if I stay and I just keep feeling this miserable?

And on the flip side, I can't just cut her loose without a second thought. It would absolutely crush her, and I honestly don't know if I could live with myself knowing I caused that kind of pain.

Man... 😢

Love? Give me a break, kid... in a real relationship, you don't turn into a hollowed-out shell of a person, and nobody should be draining every last ounce of your willpower just to survive the day. You two didn't stumble into a romance; you stumbled into a pathology (and trust me, I've been there).
The sooner you both untangle yourselves from one another, the sooner you'll actually be able to breathe again.

Ronald Jones said:Just end this relationship. It has completely drained you emotionally. 😳 😳

He’s not wrong. The real question is whether I can even start healing while I'm still stuck in this thing with her.

I have this nagging feeling that moving on with someone else would be way easier, but that’s just not what my heart is set on...

Joseph Ramirez9 said:He’s not wrong. The real question is whether I can even start healing while I'm still stuck in this thing with her.

I have this nagging feeling that moving on with someone else would be way easier, but that’s just not what my heart is set on...

Nothing is going to improve in that relationship; it simply isn't working. So many people deal with these exact issues—relationships that start back in high school and reach the point where marriage seems like the logical next step, yet it leads nowhere. 😳 😳

What you're experiencing is a fear of change and a fear of being alone. That is what most people are afraid of. Even if she drains you emotionally, there is a sense of security in knowing someone is there, even if the connection is hollow. Once you end things, you face total emptiness. In the beginning, you'll likely have to explain the breakup to friends and acquaintances, but even that phase will pass. You'll eventually start going out again. It might feel strange at first since your weekends have been centered around her for so long. Honestly, you should have ended this years ago. You know that as well as I do. 😳 😳

Joseph Ramirez9 said:He’s not wrong. The real question is whether I can even start healing while I'm still stuck in this thing with her.

I have this nagging feeling that moving on with someone else would be way easier, but that’s just not what my heart is set on...

Man, why all the drama over a simple breakup?
Of course that’s what you want—to just move on with someone else.
It really just comes down to having the guts to make the call. Habit is a powerful thing. And a steady paycheck is just as powerful. 😁

“Action may not necessarily guarantee happiness, but I suppose one cannot find happiness without taking action in the first place.”

If you’ve decided to be an active participant in your own life... then by all means, stay active. 😉

I think I recall some old man in a movie saying—and I might be misremembering the exact scene—that regret is perhaps the single most devastating thing a person can experience. Even though I don't consider myself to be particularly elderly, I have this lingering feeling that he was quite right.

Take control of your own life and just live it. 🙂