crimsonmoose3 said:I'm not sure if this is the right thread for this. If the moderators think it belongs elsewhere, feel free to move it.
I need some perspective here. My brother is 30, but mentally he’s stuck at 13, if not older. According to his diagnosis, he’s autistic, has an intellectual disability, and is deaf-mute. It’s all due to a genetic mutation he was born with. When we were kids, we actually got along, despite the usual sibling bickering. Once I hit high school, his condition didn't bother me as much; I had grown used to his behavior over the years—the constant bragging that he was better than me, the teasing, and things like that. We still hung out and played together. But after high school, during a long stretch when I was unemployed, things shifted. He became exhausting to be around, and physical altercations started happening frequently. Most of them were triggered by me, because he would never just attack someone out of nowhere unless he felt he was defending himself.
Once I finally landed a job, I moved into my own room so I wouldn't have to share space with him anymore. His habits are impossible—he'll stay up until 1:00 AM glued to his computer while I have to be up at 5:00 AM for work. Over the years, I've drifted away from him emotionally. It is draining to listen to his daily obsessions with bodily fluids and filth, or his constant talk about women, followed by him spiraling when he develops a crush only to have the girl move away or get pregnant. One time, he just snapped, and it nearly ended in a tragedy within our family; he’s been on medication for years since then. Now, it’s the same routine every day, and he's getting lazier. He won't even take a plate to the sink; he just leaves it there. He's messy, to say the least. I eventually got into huge arguments with my parents regarding how he was being raised, and eventually, I just gave up.
As time goes on, I can't help but feel that my brother will simply become a lifelong burden. My parents want me to be the one to look after him, even though my only opinion is that he should be placed in a specialized care facility. They lose their minds when I suggest that, so I don't bring it up anymore. But now, as I start planning a serious life for myself, I realize that if the time comes when I have to introduce my partner to my parents or to her personally, I just won't feel "comfortable." To be honest, I feel embarrassed by how he behaves in public, at the dinner table, and everything else. The only thing I don't feel ashamed of is his obsession with hygiene, which is equally intense.
I don't hang out with him anymore. We don't communicate—well, he doesn't speak, he uses sign language—and I don't really "experience" him as a person anymore. There is just coldness. I find myself thinking that if he ever had to live with us, he would be a constant weight on my shoulders; I can already imagine the chaos and the stress. Besides, he can't be left home alone without supervision for a single day. And given my current work situation, it seems like a professional facility is the only real option.
My parents have always prioritized him over me, giving him special treatment and putting up with everything, naturally. So, should I feel guilty for simply wanting him to be in a facility where he can actually receive proper care? When I ask others about this, plenty of "smart" people judge me, asking how I could do such a thing or why I won't step up to care for him. None of them actually know what it's like to live with someone like him...
Based on what you wrote, your parents were pretty unfair and clearly didn't show you much care. That’s just not right...
And you're their kid.
Don't let people judging you get under your skin. Nobody knows what it's actually like to be in your shoes, and most people have no clue how hard it is to live with someone in that situation.
People with mental disabilities need routine and structure to stay "under control." It keeps things from escalating. It helps them function better in society, too.
Nobody is rejecting or discriminating against them by treating them according to their limitations.
I mean, we don't treat a toddler like an adult, right? We aren't going to let them play with sharp knives or anything...
Or if someone is an amputee, we aren't going to ask them to run a marathon.
People tend to jump to conclusions in cases like this, not realizing that treating someone as if they're "normal" can actually be unhelpful.
From what you've shared, your parents are handling this wrong. And honestly, it's hurting both him and your future.
If you decide to start a family of your own one day, your brother could become a major burden—if his behavior keeps getting worse. Not to be grim, but because of this lack of discipline now, things might get harder later. You won't feel comfortable leaving your kids around him. Who knows how he'll get along with your future wife? Between the mental health side of things and his struggle with impulse control... there could be real issues.
As for facilities, there are plenty of great places out there that offer tons of activities and help him fit in with people like him. He doesn't necessarily need a hospital setting.
Something more like this:
http://www.brightfutures-center.org/There are solutions where he won't feel abandoned, and you won't feel like you've turned your back on him. It's the only way you'll both actually have a decent quality of life.
