How to support my mom after she found out my dad was cheating?

He was caught red-handed—well, not physically, but she overheard him on the phone flirting heavily with another woman. She just sat there listening for a few minutes, hearing the way he was acting toward her, and that was it.

It’s been four months now, and honestly, it’s getting bad. She’s crying every single day, she’s dropped nearly 22 pounds because she can’t eat, and she barely gets three or four hours of sleep at night. No matter what he does—and I mean, he really is trying to make amends—every conversation turns into a blowout. She just snaps at him, looking for any excuse to start a fight, and the whole situation seems to be spiraling downward.

They’ve actually seen a therapist and even a psychiatrist a couple of times, but nothing seems to stick. It’s like there’s no way out; she’s sinking deeper into this depression, losing weight rapidly, and I am genuinely terrified that she’s going to get physically ill or... I don't know, do something drastic 😢 .

A divorce isn't really an option right now—she has nowhere to go, and more importantly, she doesn't want to leave because of our kids. Plus, given how much she’s struggling mentally, I suspect a divorce might actually make things worse; the grief would probably just finish her off. The entire image she had of the perfect man—the one she thought my father was—has been completely shattered.
I feel pretty helpless here. I even sent her away on a short trip to try and give her some space to breathe, but she came back even worse. Now, all she talks about is seeing happy couples out in the world and how she feels like she’ll never have that kind of life again, God help us
.
If anyone has any advice, I’d truly appreciate it.

I’m so sorry to hear about your mom; she’s going through a really rough patch right now. As a Catholic, all I can tell you is to pray to God—ask Him to give her the strength she needs to get through this and to help her find peace with everything. I just hope she stays strong.

Forgive me, this whole situation is just... it's a mess.
How does one even begin to rebuild trust once it’s been shattered? How do you reclaim something that was given freely and then lost?
For some people, they manage to pull it back, but for others? Never. It's gone for good.
If he actually learned a lesson from all of this, perhaps there is a silver lining for the future—not to mention making a public vow, right in front of everyone (including the kids), that this will never happen again. But how much does that truly soothe the ache? I honestly don't know. For me, it doesn't help at all.
Time is necessary, yes, but you also need professional guidance.
Without actual expert help, everything is just going to sink deeper and deeper until the deception isn't even the main issue anymore—it becomes her health.
And once that happens, there is no more room for compromise.
Passions might fade, and that accumulated negative energy will eventually lose its grip over time, but illness works the opposite way; it only grows stronger and more dangerous.
Give her space, give her time, and watch over her. Make sure things stay as normal as possible and let her process the pain. It will pass—it has to—but when it does, other issues will start to surface, specifically physical ailments. If you have the strength left in you, prevent that from happening.
I can't offer any concrete solutions because, unfortunately, there is no universal cure for situations like this.😢

Honestly, no matter how much she’s hurting, I feel it too—it’s like a shared ache. I’ve been right by her side, supporting her through every single thing since the moment I found out, but... I don't know, seeing her like this? It’s hard. I’m constantly terrified that this stress might trigger some underlying health issue, and the thought of losing her is just... well, it's unbearable. She won't eat, she can't sleep—it's devastating. I even took her to see a holistic specialist, hoping for some kind of breakthrough, but she just seems to be slipping away from us entirely.
Her father is also trying his best to make amends now—praying for her forgiveness, attempting all those little things that used to bring a smile to her face—but it feels futile; nothing he does seems to touch her anymore.
I’ve actually considered reaching out to one of her girlfriends or maybe someone from the family, but I’m hesitant—really hesitant—because I don't want to upset her. For now, everything that's happened remains strictly between us within the walls of our home.

I have to say, I think your mom’s reaction might be a bit much—perhaps it’s just hormonal shifts or something along those lines? I get that she’s disappointed, but honestly, your dad’s nonsense on the phone isn't exactly a valid reason for someone to drop 20 pounds and remain completely unraveled for four months. It seems more realistic to aim for some kind of middle ground here.
Especially since you mentioned he’s actually trying,

Maybe she should look into getting some hormone panels done just to be sure.

I don’t know—if you ask me, I’d say she’s having some kind of mental breakdown; she just can't seem to grasp that he was merely acting foolishly. That night, she had been planning this whole dinner outing—really pushing him to go, too—while he kept making excuses about being swamped at work and such. Then, out of nowhere, she overhears him on the phone, flirting heavily with this other woman, telling her how badly he needs to see her, and then actually calling her up that very same evening. He... well, he just wanted to blow off some steam, I suppose, and thank God she caught that conversation when she did—she managed to convince herself that nothing physical had happened between them yet—but in her eyes, this is essentially cheating, because if she hadn't overheard him, who knows where things might have headed.

I manage to calm her down once in a while, though usually only for a moment; the second she sees any happy couple doing something sweet, she immediately brings up what her husband did to her and starts crying all over again.

To strikes me as some typical male stupidity—nothing so catastrophic that it couldn't be smoothed over after years of marriage, yet just enough to have an old man kneeling in the cornfields for four months.
I’m not sure how old her mom is, but hormonal shifts can start creeping in during the late 30s and trigger depression—which is, I guess, quite likely.
Of course, it could simply be that everything is piling up on her at once, but even then, it usually ties back to those hormonal changes that tend to happen around that age.

John Taylor10 said:I don’t know—if you ask me, I’d say she’s having some kind of mental breakdown; she just can't seem to grasp that he was merely acting foolishly. That night, she had been planning this whole dinner outing—really pushing him to go, too—while he kept making excuses about being swamped at work and such. Then, out of nowhere, she overhears him on the phone, flirting heavily with this other woman, telling her how badly he needs to see her, and then actually calling her up that very same evening. He... well, he just wanted to blow off some steam, I suppose, and thank God she caught that conversation when she did—she managed to convince herself that nothing physical had happened between them yet—but in her eyes, this is essentially cheating, because if she hadn't overheard him, who knows where things might have headed.

I manage to calm her down once in a while, though usually only for a moment; the second she sees any happy couple doing something sweet, she immediately brings up what her husband did to her and starts crying all over again.

How can it be that there's absolutely no benefit from seeing a psychiatrist or a psychologist...
I guess I'm a mother to grown children myself, and I went through a similar mess with my own mother recently, but I didn't force my kids into the middle of it or make a whole scene out of it. At the end of the day, that's something between her and her husband.

hollowbadger692 said:I have to say, I think your mom’s reaction might be a bit much—perhaps it’s just hormonal shifts or something along those lines? I get that she’s disappointed, but honestly, your dad’s nonsense on the phone isn't exactly a valid reason for someone to drop 20 pounds and remain completely unraveled for four months. It seems more realistic to aim for some kind of middle ground here.
Especially since you mentioned he’s actually trying,

Maybe she should look into getting some hormone panels done just to be sure.

James Foster4 said:How can it be that there's absolutely no benefit from seeing a psychiatrist or a psychologist...
I guess I'm a mother to grown children myself, and I went through a similar mess with my own mother recently, but I didn't force my kids into the middle of it or make a whole scene out of it. At the end of the day, that's something between her and her husband.

Exactly.
What kind of fairy tale life was she living where one single phone call could really wreck her like that? 😕
Even if she caught him in bed with someone else, how can one thing break her this badly??

Either she’s been living in some pink-tinted bubble where everything is sunshine and roses—and honestly, I'd love to know how she managed that 🤔—or she's just a total drama queen exaggerating everything.🤷

I’m with the rest of the group here; this situation runs much deeper than it looks on the surface. Sane people don't just fall apart because they got caught flirting or having a little fun on the side. If you jump over to the divorce sub, you'll find plenty of stories—but nothing quite like this one.

Either she’s dealing with some heavy-duty issue that she’s masking from her kids, or there’s a fundamental lack of emotional maturity that requires professional intervention. And a quick reality check: a psychiatrist or a psychologist isn't like an Urgent Care clinic where you pop in for a quick checkup and walk out with a prescription. This requires actual therapy. Consistent, ongoing work.

John Taylor10 said:I don’t know—if you ask me, I’d say she’s having some kind of mental breakdown; she just can't seem to grasp that he was merely acting foolishly. That night, she had been planning this whole dinner outing—really pushing him to go, too—while he kept making excuses about being swamped at work and such. Then, out of nowhere, she overhears him on the phone, flirting heavily with this other woman, telling her how badly he needs to see her, and then actually calling her up that very same evening. He... well, he just wanted to blow off some steam, I suppose, and thank God she caught that conversation when she did—she managed to convince herself that nothing physical had happened between them yet—but in her eyes, this is essentially cheating, because if she hadn't overheard him, who knows where things might have headed.

I manage to calm her down once in a while, though usually only for a moment; the second she sees any happy couple doing something sweet, she immediately brings up what her husband did to her and starts crying all over again.

Try to talk her into seeing a psychiatrist again. If the first one wasn't a good fit, find someone else, but insist that you sit in on a session to explain how she's been acting since she overheard that call. These symptoms shouldn't be ignored, and you're right to be worried.

James Foster4 said:How can it be that there's absolutely no benefit from seeing a psychiatrist or a psychologist...
I guess I'm a mother to grown children myself, and I went through a similar mess with my own mother recently, but I didn't force my kids into the middle of it or make a whole scene out of it. At the end of the day, that's something between her and her husband.

This is truly about making the right choice and setting boundaries. My own mother—completely unintentionally—did massive damage to my mental health because for years, she would call me every single day to report on where she saw her ex and his mistress. She treated her daughter like a best friend, but a daughter isn't a confidante. Eventually, she ended up telling her own mother, her sisters, or anyone else close to her who was willing to listen.
Back then, I was pretty immature; I actually felt a sense of pride being "Mommy's little best friend," so I didn't grasp how serious the situation actually was.
Bottom line: you have to leave this entirely up to the parents and try to detach emotionally as much as possible. It might sound selfish to you, but it isn't—it’s just necessary self-preservation for your own sanity and mental health. I'm speaking purely from experience here.

John Taylor10 said:He was caught red-handed—well, not physically, but she overheard him on the phone flirting heavily with another woman. She just sat there listening for a few minutes, hearing the way he was acting toward her, and that was it.

It’s been four months now, and honestly, it’s getting bad. She’s crying every single day, she’s dropped nearly 22 pounds because she can’t eat, and she barely gets three or four hours of sleep at night. No matter what he does—and I mean, he really is trying to make amends—every conversation turns into a blowout. She just snaps at him, looking for any excuse to start a fight, and the whole situation seems to be spiraling downward.

They’ve actually seen a therapist and even a psychiatrist a couple of times, but nothing seems to stick. It’s like there’s no way out; she’s sinking deeper into this depression, losing weight rapidly, and I am genuinely terrified that she’s going to get physically ill or... I don't know, do something drastic 😢 .

A divorce isn't really an option right now—she has nowhere to go, and more importantly, she doesn't want to leave because of our kids. Plus, given how much she’s struggling mentally, I suspect a divorce might actually make things worse; the grief would probably just finish her off. The entire image she had of the perfect man—the one she thought my father was—has been completely shattered.
I feel pretty helpless here. I even sent her away on a short trip to try and give her some space to breathe, but she came back even worse. Now, all she talks about is seeing happy couples out in the world and how she feels like she’ll never have that kind of life again, God help us
.
If anyone has any advice, I’d truly appreciate it.

No offense intended, but I think your mother is overreacting. Based on what you wrote, she sounds like someone who has lived her whole life in a fairy tale... thinking something like this could never happen to her. That her husband could be unfaithful. From your description, it wasn't even full-blown cheating, just a phone call.
I actually don't think taking her to doctors is necessary. She should be able to find happiness knowing she has a son like you. Is she even aware of what happens to women in marriages? Women with young kids who deal with infidelity? Women who have absolutely no support system to lean on when these things happen.
It feels like she’s blowing everything out of proportion, like she’s lived on another planet and has no idea how the real world works.
From your post, it’s clear your father is trying to fix this... but clearly, it doesn't mean anything to her because she's still stuck in that fantasy where everyone is perfectly happy.
I find it hard to believe there are women who think they are immune to this kind of thing. It sounds like she had everything handed to her, and now one phone call has sent her to rock bottom.
My advice? Just sit her down and tell her this isn't the end of the world... especially since your father is actively trying to make amends. He isn't being indifferent...
Women like that often expect the world to revolve around them, and they struggle to accept a reality where things are messy and complicated.
Kudos to you for stepping up, though I wonder if she even realizes how lucky she is to have a son like you. ☕

It’s wild to me that she didn't see what kind of guy she was marrying sooner. I mean, what kind of immature dude is out here hitting on people over the phone when he’s 50 or whatever?🤣
A complete disaster.
I honestly can't tell which is worse: if he was just messing around, or if he was actually trying to cheat. Either way—he's either a total moron or a straight-up cheater.

I decided to join this forum because I saw way too much of myself in what you described about your mom. She’s clearly going through hell right now, and if she hasn't reached out for professional help yet, she seriously needs to. I ended up checking into an outpatient program at Mayo Clinic, and honestly, between the right meds and the therapy there, I think I managed to pull myself back from the edge. I was a total wreck, plain and simple. I spent so much time digging into my own head—reading, analyzing everything about my upbringing, my childhood, just writing and writing until all that baggage from when I was a kid finally started pouring out. At the end of the day, it doesn't even matter if your dad cheated; what matters is your mom's crushing lack of self-esteem, that deep-seated fear of being abandoned, and that feeling that she's just been betrayed and isn't good enough. The depression was bound to hit eventually; this situation was just the spark that lit the fuse. With a solid medical team, support from the family, and especially honest communication with her husband—plus doing the heavy lifting on herself—she can get through this. You can't just rely on pills; you have to figure out *why* you feel so broken, otherwise, it just eats you alive. I chose to look at my own depression as a chance to finally tackle my life's blockages, my complexes, and those imaginary guilt trips I carried around. It was the only way I could actually change who I am and move forward. That process taught me my own worth and that I had to learn to love myself before anyone else could truly value me. There’s a lot of layers to this, so if she can, please encourage her to speak up when she's in that outpatient program or find someone she trusts to vent to about everything she's been carrying since she was little. She’ll find herself again. Sending her nothing but the best.

John Taylor10 said:He was caught red-handed—well, not physically, but she overheard him on the phone flirting heavily with another woman. She just sat there listening for a few minutes, hearing the way he was acting toward her, and that was it.

It’s been four months now, and honestly, it’s getting bad. She’s crying every single day, she’s dropped nearly 22 pounds because she can’t eat, and she barely gets three or four hours of sleep at night. No matter what he does—and I mean, he really is trying to make amends—every conversation turns into a blowout. She just snaps at him, looking for any excuse to start a fight, and the whole situation seems to be spiraling downward.

They’ve actually seen a therapist and even a psychiatrist a couple of times, but nothing seems to stick. It’s like there’s no way out; she’s sinking deeper into this depression, losing weight rapidly, and I am genuinely terrified that she’s going to get physically ill or... I don't know, do something drastic 😢 .

A divorce isn't really an option right now—she has nowhere to go, and more importantly, she doesn't want to leave because of our kids. Plus, given how much she’s struggling mentally, I suspect a divorce might actually make things worse; the grief would probably just finish her off. The entire image she had of the perfect man—the one she thought my father was—has been completely shattered.
I feel pretty helpless here. I even sent her away on a short trip to try and give her some space to breathe, but she came back even worse. Now, all she talks about is seeing happy couples out in the world and how she feels like she’ll never have that kind of life again, God help us
.
If anyone has any advice, I’d truly appreciate it.

His image in her eyes just crumbled.
The solution is to convert that massive, paralyzing grief into pure rage—to basically level him to the ground for what he did
or they just need to call it quits..
You have to figure out why your mother loves this man, your father,
and whether she loves him for who he actually is—flaws and all—
or if she loves a manufactured ideal, someone she thought was incapable of even thinking about doing something like this,
only to realize that "ideal" has fallen... from an angel to total garbage...
He isn't special anymore; he's just one of those other guys. Ugh.
And if I'm right, and it's the latter, then separation is the only way out.

But there is a third option: "forgive" him, but frame it in a way where it isn't about emotion or grace, but about the fact that he provides for her and it's practical.
That effectively shuts down and negates any lingering painful feelings based on the illusion of knowing who he is,
and replaces that emotional turmoil with cold, hard math and accounting.

Be a little cunning and ask her why some stay-at-home wives forgive their wealthy husbands' affairs.
Don't let her fall into the wrong conclusion—everyone knows it’s usually not out of some overwhelming love, but out of a massive need for financial security and survival through them. 😉

That’s what I’d suggest if I were, say, a medical professional—like a psychiatrist.
Unfortunately—or fortunately—I am not. 😁