Would you ever help someone who abused you?

A bully is always going to be exactly who they are until the day they die.

So, no, there’s really no point in helping them. You can never give them enough; they just live off our energy, and I, for one, am done feeding that cycle.🙂

Reading through these comments is honestly quite upsetting.

Of course I would help a stranger if I were able to, let alone my own mother.

When you say she abused you mentally and physically, what does that actually entail? Are we talking about being disciplined as a child, or perhaps her not letting you stay out late when you were sixteen?

Looking at your story, it seems like everything revolves entirely around your own perspective.
Maybe try helping your mother by actually asking her what is going on in her life instead of making assumptions based on photos. Did you also conclude that you were solely to blame for everything else just by looking at pictures?

Perhaps it is time to take charge of your life and act with more maturity and responsibility.

Paul Martinez2 said:Reading through these comments is honestly quite upsetting.

Of course I would help a stranger if I were able to, let alone my own mother.

When you say she abused you mentally and physically, what does that actually entail? Are we talking about being disciplined as a child, or perhaps her not letting you stay out late when you were sixteen?

Looking at your story, it seems like everything revolves entirely around your own perspective.
Maybe try helping your mother by actually asking her what is going on in her life instead of making assumptions based on photos. Did you also conclude that you were solely to blame for everything else just by looking at pictures?

Perhaps it is time to take charge of your life and act with more maturity and responsibility.

Fine, just let everyone walk all over you and kick you into the gutter over and over...
Then when you finally... if you ever do... crawl out of the mud, maybe you can be wise and say you did your best to be a better person. "Just because someone else is trash doesn't mean I have to be." Sure. But in this day and age, thinking like that just maps out one path... Selfishness is one thing, but being delusional is something else entirely...

I totally agree with this part: "get a grip on your life and start acting like a responsible adult." Help people, even if it costs you something. Just don't waste it on the people who treated you like garbage. They don't deserve anything from anyone. They just get to learn who they really are...

Paul Martinez2 said:Reading through these comments is honestly quite upsetting.

Of course I would help a stranger if I were able to, let alone my own mother.

When you say she abused you mentally and physically, what does that actually entail? Are we talking about being disciplined as a child, or perhaps her not letting you stay out late when you were sixteen?

Looking at your story, it seems like everything revolves entirely around your own perspective.
Maybe try helping your mother by actually asking her what is going on in her life instead of making assumptions based on photos. Did you also conclude that you were solely to blame for everything else just by looking at pictures?

Perhaps it is time to take charge of your life and act with more maturity and responsibility.

😕 Hey, if you're actually interested in this topic, please re-read my post properly. If you aren't willing to put in the effort to understand, then don't come at me. I really don't think I need to go into the gory details of her abuse, but there was constant neglect—which basically means she didn't even care if I made it home safe, rather than just being strict about curfews—plus the condescension and the endless lying. That kind of stuff is devastating for a child, and honestly, it doesn't get any easier seeing all those lies play out as an adult. There were also plenty of physical incidents that left me with actual scars I still carry today. Given that I never called the cops and instead spent nights locked in my room or hiding in the car, I think I’ve already done more to "help" her than anyone realizes.
I know exactly what’s going on in her life and how much of it is her own fault—I’ve had a front-row seat to it all too many times.
And contrary to what you're saying, the real challenge is finding the strength *not* to feel sorry for her and *not* to visit. Being "mature" would be taking care of myself and avoiding someone who mistreats me—someone who used to push me away whenever I tried to hold her accountable.
I'm not arguing with you for my own sake—I know what happened. It's just sad that someone who claims they'd help anyone is so quick to jump to these kinds of conclusions. You sound just like the people who ask what a woman did to deserve being treated poorly by her husband.

Paul Martinez2 said:Reading through these comments is honestly quite upsetting.

Of course I would help a stranger if I were able to, let alone my own mother.

When you say she abused you mentally and physically, what does that actually entail? Are we talking about being disciplined as a child, or perhaps her not letting you stay out late when you were sixteen?

Looking at your story, it seems like everything revolves entirely around your own perspective.
Maybe try helping your mother by actually asking her what is going on in her life instead of making assumptions based on photos. Did you also conclude that you were solely to blame for everything else just by looking at pictures?

Perhaps it is time to take charge of your life and act with more maturity and responsibility.

If you had actually read this thread with any level of comprehension—picking up on what the author said both explicitly and between the lines—you probably wouldn't be so shocked.

YES, I would help a man off the street if I were able, and I certainly wouldn't hesitate to help my own mother!!
.....
Take control of your life and start acting like a responsible, mature adult!!

For someone claiming to advocate for compassion, you’re coming across as incredibly aggressive with all those exclamation points. If this is how you behave out in public, I highly doubt anyone would ever approach you for help.

I’m certainly not judging you, and I truly didn't mean for it to come across that way!

You don't necessarily have to bring her into your own home, but maybe you could help her find a shelter, reach out to the proper authorities, or look into local social services.
I personally feel that taking some kind of action is the right thing to do, regardless of who she is.

I think it might be helpful to let go of any judgment—or even resentment, if you're feeling that—because holding onto those things never seems to help anyone in the end. Even if your mother wasn't able to be the parent you needed, you can still choose to be a good person and honor that connection.

Paul Martinez2 said:I’m certainly not judging you, and I truly didn't mean for it to come across that way!

You don't necessarily have to bring her into your own home, but maybe you could help her find a shelter, reach out to the proper authorities, or look into local social services.
I personally feel that taking some kind of action is the right thing to do, regardless of who she is.

I think it might be helpful to let go of any judgment—or even resentment, if you're feeling that—because holding onto those things never seems to help anyone in the end. Even if your mother wasn't able to be the parent you needed, you can still choose to be a good person and honor that connection.

I actually talked to her today, and they're heading off somewhere together this coming weekend. She's acting like everything is just sunshine and rainbows—which makes sense, because for her, all that yelling and fighting is almost like a release, a way to feel better. But honestly? I'm just done being caught up in the madness.
If I were to call the police behind her back, I'm pretty sure she'd kill me—literally. Plus, the rest of the family would probably disown me. It feels like I'd end up being the villain in everyone's eyes again.
It’s just not that simple... trust me, if there was an easy fix, I would've jumped on it a long time ago.

Austin Garcia3, the situation regarding how much you should step in is actually pretty straightforward. Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't take anything Paul Martinez2 says too seriously—she’s looking at this through a very biased, victimized lens.
You’re the one living this, so I trust your perspective on everything you've shared. When family—whether it's immediate or extended—is dysfunctional, they can become an incredibly heavy burden and, unfortunately, major antagonists in those "under the rug" situations that people rarely talk about. My advice? Help out where you can in a general sense, but as most people would suggest, stay out of the direct line of fire in this specific conflict.
I can see this is weighing heavily on you, though, and that you feel a pull to do something. If you need to, maybe just accept those photos she sent and send a quick note letting her know you're there for her—that way, you've provided some support. But I really wouldn't recommend getting caught in the crossfire between her stepfather and her mother. Especially if we're dealing with someone who acts as an emotional vampire and shows zero remorse for their past actions. Emotional abusers are among the worst types of people, regardless of who they are. And please, don't let them weaponize guilt against you; there isn't even a reason for you to feel guilty. You aren't just a bystander watching from the sidelines—try to wrap your head around that. There truly isn't much more you can do here. It's especially tough when the rest of the family seems to be operating in that same kind of abusive mindset, if you catch my drift.
Focus on yourself. Passing up the opportunities you have right now in your life, as you mentioned, isn't a smart move. Especially not because of this.

Austin Garcia3 said:So, I’m dealing with some heavy stuff involving my mom—she’s been physically and emotionally abusive toward me my entire life.
We don't live together, and I still make visits every now and then. I’ve finally managed to reach this super fragile kind of balance where I just dodge any serious topics to keep the peace, but we still have a relationship. The real issue is that the fighting between her and my stepfather has escalated into physical violence. Honestly, she’s usually the one instigating it more than he is, but since he’s physically stronger, he ends up being the one blamed for everything.
The other day, she sent me a photo of her forehead—there was this huge injury covering half her face that could only have come from a direct hit. Then, she claimed it was just a "rash"?! But right after that, she sends another message showing a massive bruise on her arm. It’s pretty obvious she’s crying out for help, even if she won't say it directly.
I’ve thought about asking her to come stay with me for a bit, but I know that would just open the door for her to abuse me again—and let's be real, she wouldn't even be grateful. She’d probably just take her frustrations out on me. I really don't feel like she deserves me to sacrifice myself like that. I’m in a really vulnerable spot right now with a ton of responsibilities, and I know she’d mentally drain me to the point where I'd lose focus on my work. I’ve already missed out on way too many opportunities because of her outbursts, which always leave me spiraling into depression for months at a time.
Still, I can't shake this feeling that I'm a bad person if I don't step in. I'm even terrified that something might happen to her—like, maybe an accident, like she trips down the stairs.
I'm open to any thoughts or advice you guys might have.

Guilt is honestly one of the biggest weapons abusers use to keep someone trapped..

Look, you aren't a bad person just because you aren't acting as your mother's full-time bodyguard. It's enough to let her know she can call 911 whenever she needs to, report the abuse, or ask for a spot at a local domestic violence shelter.

As for some of the other comments... I really think people who claim being told they can't go out is "abuse" probably shouldn't be weighing in on this specific discussion.

Paul Martinez2 said:Reading through these comments is honestly quite upsetting.

Of course I would help a stranger if I were able to, let alone my own mother.

When you say she abused you mentally and physically, what does that actually entail? Are we talking about being disciplined as a child, or perhaps her not letting you stay out late when you were sixteen?

Looking at your story, it seems like everything revolves entirely around your own perspective.
Maybe try helping your mother by actually asking her what is going on in her life instead of making assumptions based on photos. Did you also conclude that you were solely to blame for everything else just by looking at pictures?

Perhaps it is time to take charge of your life and act with more maturity and responsibility.

@Austin Garcia3, look at this. It’s great that Paul Martinez2 jumped in here, because this is a textbook example of exactly what you need to fight against.
- An inability to understand. (It's not that I won't, it's that I can't. There's a huge difference, and recognizing that helps you decide how to deal with me properly)
- Being conditioned to be someone else's eternal servant and victim. Anyone who dares to say a human being has a right to their own life is just poking a wound and triggering all this shouting, contempt, and disgust. Honestly, it’s less painful to stay in the cage than to realize how much of a loss life becomes when you let yourself spend forever serving others.
- Since I am a victim of others, it’s unthinkable that others shouldn't be my victims. Everyone living with me or around me—honestly, everyone in general—has to put others first. That’s just the default setting in my head. Because what kind of people aren't victims of others? They aren't like me, so they must be terrible.
- Unconditionally pushing for unearned respect. You have to drop your own life, everything you want, everything that makes you happy, and just lay yourself out like a welcome mat for me. The fact that I wasn't a good mother doesn't matter at all, because any mother, simply by virtue of being a mother, deserves absolute respect and the right to destroy you. After all, she created you. You aren't an individual; you exist to serve as a part of her life.
- Blindness. Tunnel vision. A total lack of capacity to see "outside the circle." For example: saying I'd help a stranger on the road but not my mother. Just repeating catchy clichés without understanding them. That stranger on the road didn't screw you over nearly as much as the person you feel obligated to help. Here, I'm not advocating for selfishness or saying people shouldn't help those in need. Or that you shouldn't sacrifice yourself for someone. You should. But again, the difference between a broken person and a healthy one is that a broken person sacrifices themselves for everyone, especially those who don't deserve it. A healthy person knows when to help themselves by choosing *not* to be a victim to someone who neither sees nor cares, and certainly doesn't deserve it.

Dear @Austin Garcia3, what you're going through isn't even slightly benign. Countless people never manage to untangle themselves from situations this messed up. Most of them aren't even consciously aware they're trapped; they just think this is normal and that life is supposed to be a cycle of "shut up, endure, and carry on." Those who do see it are often so emotionally shattered that choosing to stay a victim feels easier than rebelling against the guilt. So they just wither away until they break, and they always break, without exception. It's tragic.
I truly wish you the best. Be one of those people who fights for themselves and claims their right to happiness.
Just hold onto this. This is your answer, your solution, and your only way forward:

Austin Garcia3 said:😕 Hey, if you're actually interested in this topic, please re-read my post properly. If you aren't willing to put in the effort to understand, then don't come at me. I really don't think I need to go into the gory details of her abuse, but there was constant neglect—which basically means she didn't even care if I made it home safe, rather than just being strict about curfews—plus the condescension and the endless lying. That kind of stuff is devastating for a child, and honestly, it doesn't get any easier seeing all those lies play out as an adult. There were also plenty of physical incidents that left me with actual scars I still carry today. Given that I never called the cops and instead spent nights locked in my room or hiding in the car, I think I’ve already done more to "help" her than anyone realizes.
I know exactly what’s going on in her life and how much of it is her own fault—I’ve had a front-row seat to it all too many times.
And contrary to what you're saying, the real challenge is finding the strength *not* to feel sorry for her and *not* to visit. Being "mature" would be taking care of myself and avoiding someone who mistreats me—someone who used to push me away whenever I tried to hold her accountable.
I'm not arguing with you for my own sake—I know what happened. It's just sad that someone who claims they'd help anyone is so quick to jump to these kinds of conclusions. You sound just like the people who ask what a woman did to deserve being treated poorly by her husband.

Hang in there. You have to stay strong, and just know you aren't the only one dealing with this kind of stuff.

No. Not to my mother or anyone else who ever mistreated me. They’ll try to worm their way back into your life just to start the cycle all over again—maybe they'll play nice for a day or two before the old patterns resurface.
Sending photos of bruises just to bait your sympathy is textbook manipulation. Don't fall for it.
Anyone who has dealt with an abuser knows exactly how these people operate and what they're capable of; they don't just suddenly change.
Don't let this shake you. Just live your life. You have to stay strong and see right through the games.
Good luck.

Mind your own business and focus on your own life, because you aren't going to do a damn thing to help her.

I honestly wouldn't lift a finger to help. It’s pretty obvious she’s just trying to play you—seriously, don't let her get in your head. I actually live with someone exactly like that, so I know the drill. One minute they're being perfectly sweet, then suddenly they snap, and then they're back to being great again... it's just this endless, exhausting cycle. I mean, your situation probably works the same way, where things seem fine for a couple of days before everything just reverts back to the old ways.

And about those photos? If they really are what you think they are—well, karma's a bitch! She's finally getting a taste of her own medicine.

Austin Garcia3 said:😕 Hey, if you're actually interested in this topic, please re-read my post properly. If you aren't willing to put in the effort to understand, then don't come at me. I really don't think I need to go into the gory details of her abuse, but there was constant neglect—which basically means she didn't even care if I made it home safe, rather than just being strict about curfews—plus the condescension and the endless lying. That kind of stuff is devastating for a child, and honestly, it doesn't get any easier seeing all those lies play out as an adult. There were also plenty of physical incidents that left me with actual scars I still carry today. Given that I never called the cops and instead spent nights locked in my room or hiding in the car, I think I’ve already done more to "help" her than anyone realizes.
I know exactly what’s going on in her life and how much of it is her own fault—I’ve had a front-row seat to it all too many times.
And contrary to what you're saying, the real challenge is finding the strength *not* to feel sorry for her and *not* to visit. Being "mature" would be taking care of myself and avoiding someone who mistreats me—someone who used to push me away whenever I tried to hold her accountable.
I'm not arguing with you for my own sake—I know what happened. It's just sad that someone who claims they'd help anyone is so quick to jump to these kinds of conclusions. You sound just like the people who ask what a woman did to deserve being treated poorly by her husband.

There you go. Self-awareness is the first step toward a solution. Now, hit the gas.

The short answer to the question in the title? A massive, resounding NO.
I’ve always been a believer in the whole "a leopard can't change its spots" thing, so I don't buy into this idea of radical rehabilitation for abusers—unless we're talking about years upon years of intense, heavy-duty psychotherapy. If they’re still out there being toxic, then yeah, I have zero interest in playing hero.

Look, I don't wish them any ill will (I try my best to 😁), and I'm certainly not out to hurt them, but I'm also not stepping up to help. Period. Some people call me childish because of that. They tell me I haven't moved past my issues or that I need to be a "bigger person," but honestly, they can talk all they want since they haven't walked a mile in my shoes. Fine, maybe I am being childish. Maybe I haven't moved on, or maybe I'm just a smaller person. But at least I finally have a shred of peace. 🙂

It has been years since I last had to dwell on my situation with my mother—we finally resolved it—but I feel compelled to share my experience because of what started this thread.
My mother was an incredibly difficult person. And I say *was*. She was mentally completely unstable, and it just kept getting worse, which took a massive toll on both me personally and everyone around her.
My father was present, but he refused to ever engage in conflict with her. Whenever they would start fighting, he would try to de-escalate by, say, gripping her hand a little tighter to stop her momentum, and that would be the trigger that sent her into a full-blown rage. Eventually, I moved away to start a new life and recover. Or so I thought.
I went through a particularly grueling period of my life—going through a divorce—and that is when she completely detached from reality. She attacked me, sometimes even physically. She would show up at my door screaming, then suddenly calm down and weep in front of my house, begging for forgiveness. And I, being a fool, would open the door, only to have her turn back into a monster. She threatened self-harm, suicide... I went through all of it. She even tried to manipulate my father into calling me, using his heart condition as leverage.
Then one day, I stood in front of the mirror and told myself: "Look, honey, either you or she is going to end up in a psychiatric ward." When I really looked at myself, I saw a young woman with a child, and I realized I couldn't let myself be destroyed.
I went to the police and reported exactly what my mother was doing to me. (Mind you, I had always been her favorite, her "golden child," whenever she was actually behaving.)
On one occasion, right in the middle of a confrontation, I managed to dial the police number while she was trying to snatch my phone from me, and the officers arrived just in time.
She crumbled. She didn't even have an ID on her. The police gave her a stern verbal warning, and I used that moment to cut off all contact with her for months.
It was excruciatingly difficult, but I had to protect myself.
After about five months, she reached out to my workplace, sounding absolutely desperate and saying things were bad. That led to a few months of peace without her constant screaming.
Then, something inside me shifted. I prepared myself and drove over to her place. And there she was... a woman who looked like she weighed maybe 60 pounds, pale and hollow-eyed...
I simply took her by the hand and drove her straight to the psychiatric hospital.
She stayed there for about three months. She cried; she pleaded for my forgiveness. It turns out the doctors found the right treatment plan, and for years now, I haven't had to think about a thing like that again.
Sure, she takes medication, but my mother is a completely different person now. She isn't vacant or irrational anymore; she has become a pleasant person. I actually enjoy spending time with her. The aggression is gone. I helped her, but I first had to let her hit rock bottom in order to truly save her.
That is my experience.

Austin Garcia3 said:So, I’m dealing with some heavy stuff involving my mom—she’s been physically and emotionally abusive toward me my entire life.
We don't live together, and I still make visits every now and then. I’ve finally managed to reach this super fragile kind of balance where I just dodge any serious topics to keep the peace, but we still have a relationship. The real issue is that the fighting between her and my stepfather has escalated into physical violence. Honestly, she’s usually the one instigating it more than he is, but since he’s physically stronger, he ends up being the one blamed for everything.
The other day, she sent me a photo of her forehead—there was this huge injury covering half her face that could only have come from a direct hit. Then, she claimed it was just a "rash"?! But right after that, she sends another message showing a massive bruise on her arm. It’s pretty obvious she’s crying out for help, even if she won't say it directly.
I’ve thought about asking her to come stay with me for a bit, but I know that would just open the door for her to abuse me again—and let's be real, she wouldn't even be grateful. She’d probably just take her frustrations out on me. I really don't feel like she deserves me to sacrifice myself like that. I’m in a really vulnerable spot right now with a ton of responsibilities, and I know she’d mentally drain me to the point where I'd lose focus on my work. I’ve already missed out on way too many opportunities because of her outbursts, which always leave me spiraling into depression for months at a time.
Still, I can't shake this feeling that I'm a bad person if I don't step in. I'm even terrified that something might happen to her—like, maybe an accident, like she trips down the stairs.
I'm open to any thoughts or advice you guys might have.

No, you aren't a bad person for stepping back. She’s your mother, but instead of actually caring for you, she’s spent her time being abusive. Even if she asks you directly for help, you don't owe her anything. No parent should ever treat their child in a way that leaves them spiraling into months of depression (and yes, I'm talking about an adult child here).
At the end of the day, if she really needs support, she can reach out to the CDC.

It’s hard to shake that feeling of helplessness when you can't step in to help. I get your pain; I'm stuck in a similar loop myself. That old saying about blood being thicker than water is burned into my brain, especially once you become a parent and end up acting more like a therapist to your own folks than a child.

The reality is, you see it clearly—nothing ever actually changes. It’s like they exhaust themselves on some trip or outing, leaving you sitting at home in knots, just waiting to see their names pop up in the local news. My mother just keeps doing her own thing; there might be a few days or even months of peace, but then she slowly pulls you right back into that cycle of misery and constant cries for attention, help, or whatever else...

Even if she eventually moves in, it’s just more guilt-tripping and projecting decades-old grievances about who is to blame. Don't let yourself get sucked in. I don't have an answer for you, because if you try to fix things and realize people simply refuse to change, you'll just end up blaming yourself. Once she recovers and starts her usual routine again, I honestly don't know how anyone handles it... I'm still spinning my wheels too.

Would you ever help someone who abused you?

Not in a million years!
I have been enduring abuse for eleven years now, and honestly, I’d rather she just pass away. She will never receive my help—not even at death's door—no matter how much I wish I could show her exactly how much I despise her. I tried being the "good girl" and staying obedient my entire life, but she is an even worse manipulator. Every single day, she treats me more poorly, attempting to control every aspect of my existence. The moment things don't go her way, she loses it. She'll smash plates, seize my laptop for long stretches, or even cut cables just to stop me from getting online to look for work.
I have absolutely zero privacy. The only time I feel like I can breathe is when I head to NYC to visit my boyfriend; then, for a moment, I can forget everything before returning home to this "hell."

My boyfriend is the only person who truly sees what my mother is really like. He wants to rescue me from this toxicity and does everything in his power to help me become independent. My mother, however, is fighting with everything she has to tear us apart. She claims he isn't good enough for me and insists that if I don't obey her, I am doomed. In her eyes, no man is ever good enough for me. It doesn't matter if he has a steady job or a car; nothing satisfies her. She already sabotaged one of my previous relationships through her behavior, and my ex-boyfriend absolutely loathes her. She ruined my childhood, and she tries to ruin my life day by day, but I refuse to let her. She deserves nothing but the worst. Actually, she even resents my current boyfriend because he actually has a backbone and recognizes that he could help me succeed in life—something my mother simply cannot stomach. She constantly blames everyone else for her own failures. She always asks, "Why do other people have money and successful lives while I don't? Why is it always better for everyone else?" It's the same broken record every time. If she ever acts like a saint toward me, it's just another tactic; she thinks playing the victim might work on me, but it won't.

I am not giving up. I will fight until the very end to stand on my own two feet. I would honestly rather live in prison than share a house with her. I truly wonder: who in their right mind would have trusted a woman like this to watch their child in preschool? No sane person would. -.-