What does it actually mean to "find yourself"?

People seem driven by this relentless desire to be wealthy, attractive, and charismatic. It’s as if anyone who fails to meet those specific standards is automatically deemed inferior.
These are societal expectations that have existed for ages, though they seem to resonate with much more intensity in today's world.
I suppose I won't even get started on the insatiable thirst for power, or how modern science continues to ravage the natural world.
Perhaps the most difficult task one can undertake is the pursuit of self-knowledge, whereas offering unsolicited advice to others remains an incredibly easy pastime.
This implies that cultivating a true sense of self is an arduous journey, primarily because most people lack such a core identity—they haven't actually discovered who they are.
One's identity is often experienced through the lens of external perception, which aligns with what Aaron Allen5 was saying—people are far more concerned with their public image than with their internal reality.

Thanks, everyone. Dennis Cook78, if I may just add my two cents: society has started categorizing people based on absolutely anything, and because of that, these little cliques have started forming everywhere. Everyone loves rewards, praise, and recognition, but honestly, that’s exactly what can break a person's spirit and heart. You lose the desire to do the work that actually brings you satisfaction—whether that’s cooking every single day, working in the garden, or even just walking your dog daily. It’s gone. That genuine hobby you used to pour yourself into? It’s dead. What is the "trend" these days?
Just heading out to a coffee shop and sitting there, sipping one latte for hours on end... and success is defined by whether someone else picks up the tab. And the social etiquette? I’ve been observing this lately. First thing they do is pull out a couple of iPhones, toss their wallet and car keys right onto the table—if they even have them! I should mention, these aren't even working professionals; they aren't employed at all, just driving their dad's SUV, probably using pocket money their mom gave them for a coffee, but hey, they act like they own the place! Not to mention the constant chatter about their lives! Then I watch the scene unfold... a young guy walks in and sits down alone, and those three losers at the next table start snickering at him because he’s a "loner." Why? Because he didn't slam his phone on the table or toss his keys in the middle of the surface.

Another example is my godmother, who is among the heaviest women I have ever met in my life. Now, how would you describe her? She’s heavy, yet she tries to make her clothes fit perfectly... and she has lost count of how many times she took offense when I told her those clothes would look great on me, let alone on her, since she is xxxlll times heavier than I am! But what matters most today? Following the trend. Making sure people see you dressed in the latest fashion so they look at your face and say how "extra" you are. The clothes might be "extra," and I believe people are complimenting the outfit, not the person wearing it!

Categories have formed based on how people think, their idols, their jobs, who they hang out with, their little cliques... even based on what they wear! There are cliques based on employment status and such. People group together simply so they won't be the ones getting mocked by the crowd!

The most tragic part is that you don't just see this among kids in high school; you see it among college students, and I won't even get started on families and working professionals!

Honestly, an entire novel could be written about the types of people who are fundamentally changed by money!

Yesterday, I was sharing a meal from the same plate with Hannah; today, because her father is a high-ranking police chief, she turns her head away with this incredibly condescending attitude!

And when you finally confront them or say anything to them, they all just lift their noses and insist they are their own people, acting so self-important. Take Hannah as the prime example... until yesterday we were eating from the same plate, and today she's rubbing elbows with the very people who used to laugh at her... but fine, whatever. She has changed. If you were to walk up to her now and point it out, she would just completely ignore you!

Why doesn't she tell them the story of how we used to tease them? Maybe she told them that *I* was the one laughing, just to protect herself! But that is clearly the cycle of life nowadays. Trash others just so you can come across as the "good" one! And in the end, it always turns out that nobody actually changes; everyone is just looking out for themselves, and everyone is exactly the same!

Or like when my friend started dressing more modestly, and people began avoiding her because of it. They weren't direct about it, but it was indirect—the invitations to go out just stopped. So, what did she do? She made her life harder and went back to her old way of dressing... and believe me, everything went back to normal as if nothing had ever happened!

THAT WOULD DESTROY ME!

@Aaron Allen5
Everything I’ve been reading lately feels pretty tragic, even if there's truth to it. It seems to me that most people only really start grasping for their "ego" when they have something to complain about—whether they're pointing out flaws, offering unsolicited advice, badmouthing someone, or just being stubborn enough to say no just for the sake of saying no.
People are always going to form cliques, and there isn't much you can do to stop that, but what really bugs me is how these groups are almost constantly at odds because everyone is convinced they hold the high ground. Honestly, having a narrow-minded attitude makes it so much easier for people to fall into those patterns.
As for that woman who’s giving you the cold shoulder, just hang tight for a bit; you'll see soon enough how the very same people she hangs out with start giving her the same treatment.

ruggedtinker9 said:People seem driven by this relentless desire to be wealthy, attractive, and charismatic. It’s as if anyone who fails to meet those specific standards is automatically deemed inferior.
These are societal expectations that have existed for ages, though they seem to resonate with much more intensity in today's world.
I suppose I won't even get started on the insatiable thirst for power, or how modern science continues to ravage the natural world.
Perhaps the most difficult task one can undertake is the pursuit of self-knowledge, whereas offering unsolicited advice to others remains an incredibly easy pastime.
This implies that cultivating a true sense of self is an arduous journey, primarily because most people lack such a core identity—they haven't actually discovered who they are.
One's identity is often experienced through the lens of external perception, which aligns with what Aaron Allen5 was saying—people are far more concerned with their public image than with their internal reality.

This whole obsession with being "fun" has gotten so ridiculous that people actually get offended if you aren't performing for them!
The rest of the bolded text is the signature. Well said!

Dennis Cook78 said:@Aaron Allen5
Everything I’ve been reading lately feels pretty tragic, even if there's truth to it. It seems to me that most people only really start grasping for their "ego" when they have something to complain about—whether they're pointing out flaws, offering unsolicited advice, badmouthing someone, or just being stubborn enough to say no just for the sake of saying no.
People are always going to form cliques, and there isn't much you can do to stop that, but what really bugs me is how these groups are almost constantly at odds because everyone is convinced they hold the high ground. Honestly, having a narrow-minded attitude makes it so much easier for people to fall into those patterns.
As for that woman who’s giving you the cold shoulder, just hang tight for a bit; you'll see soon enough how the very same people she hangs out with start giving her the same treatment.

Well, honestly, you eventually become somewhat "immune" to certain things, but it still gets you thinking. The fact remains that back then, it was all laughter and mockery from the group... and now, they are actively avoiding us just so they can kiss up to the very people who used to laugh at them. This isn't just happening to me; it's happening to all of us. Even my brother notices it more often... they simply walk right past without even a nod!
My mother even told me about how that lady used to come over and cry to her, venting about how they were all making fun of them... and look at us now! We've all moved on, my brother is married... and not a single soul has even stopped by for a cookie!
If there is one thing I am absolutely certain of, it is this: once this gentleman's term is over, I won't even recognize them. Thank God this is his LAST term! He has no more authority over us! Let's look at the big picture... ever since he was first appointed Chief, we have been blacklisted! And I am telling you, when I visit my own people, don't expect a warm welcome from them! I plan to act as if I don't even know them... and if they try to say anything to me, I will certainly give them a piece of my mind!
In the beginning, this behavior truly hurt my feelings because I considered us more than just friends! Today, I am simply immune to them!

I completely agree with ruggedtinker9; it is far easier to lecture others than it is to take a hard look at oneself. Perhaps someone else sees in me exactly what I see in others, but I can guarantee that I have never turned my back on anyone. I got married, yet I still maintain contact with my girlfriends who aren't married; I haven't acted like, "Oh, I'm married now, I'm above them." Even today, if I see an old classmate, I say hello. If I can help people, I will; if not, I'll just say so. Regardless of your job or your education, I don't understand that attitude of acting like someone else isn't on your "level." People forget who they are and where they came from! They forget that, in the end, we all depend on one another! No matter what profession you're in, we rely on each other!

For instance, look at what Hannah's father did; despite the high unemployment rate in his neighborhood, he managed to find jobs for a dozen people! What was wrong with offering a job to someone from his own community? What was wrong with using his connections to pull someone up and get them hired? At the end of the day, we are all part of the same community... at least that's how I see it. Whether someone is from the suburbs or the city, we are all neighbors! I certainly never saw or felt any of that division from her father!

Dennis Cook78 said:That hits close to home. Society simultaneously imposes strict norms and dictates exactly how much "individuality" someone is actually allowed to have. You have people working high-pressure jobs that guarantee them a certain status in the hierarchy. Everything looks perfect; everyone praises them, they work twelve-hour days, they earn great salaries, and they feel perfectly aligned with societal standards, never daring to question if any of it is actually logical.
Of course, society will encourage people like that, and there's a very specific reason why.
It happens purely to keep the system of artificial values alive. Let me explain what I mean by artificial values.

Reward systems are the first thing that jump out at me. Most people crave rewards, prestige, applause, or public recognition. But what is a reward, really? Usually, a reward is just a piece of paper—or rarely, some extra cash—whose appearance and purpose were decided by a few people who wanted to acknowledge someone's various achievements. That is the foundation of every award, which makes them essentially meaningless, yet they remain socially necessary to satisfy the vanity of the masses. True achievement is its own reward. Getting a result is a reward. Seeing that you actually helped someone is a reward. That fascinating journey you had to endure to create something is the real reward. Those are the tangible values; everything else is just an artificial construct based on conformity and social status, which itself depends entirely on the whims of the environment assigning it.

Very few people are actually capable of being satisfied with themselves without seeking "permission" from the society they live in.

You could say that small group of people actually has its own sense of self.

Dennis Cook78 said:@Aaron Allen5
Everything I’ve been reading lately feels pretty tragic, even if there's truth to it. It seems to me that most people only really start grasping for their "ego" when they have something to complain about—whether they're pointing out flaws, offering unsolicited advice, badmouthing someone, or just being stubborn enough to say no just for the sake of saying no.
People are always going to form cliques, and there isn't much you can do to stop that, but what really bugs me is how these groups are almost constantly at odds because everyone is convinced they hold the high ground. Honestly, having a narrow-minded attitude makes it so much easier for people to fall into those patterns.
As for that woman who’s giving you the cold shoulder, just hang tight for a bit; you'll see soon enough how the very same people she hangs out with start giving her the same treatment.

Good grief, what kind of people are you hanging out with? 😢

It feels as though we have reached a point where everything requires some sort of "social validation" just to exist! Whether it is deciding who gets to be the favorite or who is cast aside, the pressure is everywhere—it is happening in real life, on every online forum, on Facebook, on Twitter, you name it. The moment someone shows up being even slightly different from the status quo, they are immediately branded as an outsider!

Dennis Cook78 said:This is my first time starting a thread on this subforum. I’m curious to hear what you all think when you run into people who constantly go out of their way to emphasize that they have a "sense of self," or when they start lecturing others on how they need to find their own "identity." Why bother stressing one's own existence when it should be a given? What's the point of such constant self-referencing? I’ve never quite been able to wrap my head around what someone is actually trying to achieve when they feel the urge to mention themselves in any context other than just being present. Does this kind of behavior grate on your nerves too?

If it isn't just a blatant pursuit of attention, then constantly highlighting oneself in contexts where it isn't necessary is definitely a red flag that there are some deep-seated issues regarding how that person perceives their own identity. In all my time, I have never met anyone who uses "I" in that specific way as a rational expression of genuine self-confidence.

These types of people also seem to have this compulsive need to weave themselves into every single story they tell, just to make sure we don't accidentally miss their "expert" take on whatever topic is being discussed. Usually, in one of these monologues, you'll hear "I" mentioned five times, "me" ten times, and then a dozen or more variations of "myself" or "my own" tossed in just for good measure.

To me, it feels like a sign of extreme insecurity. It's like they try to manufacture confidence by aggressively attaching their persona to every positive argument they make, hoping people will eventually associate them with those ideas. Honestly, they can be exhausting to deal with, which is why I usually just find an excuse to step away.☕

Having a "self" means having your own perspective—thinking for yourself instead of just following the crowd. That constant repetition of "me" is just pure egoism, but that's a conversation for another thread.☕