Parental infatuation: Is this normal?

Hello,

I am starting this thread, and I would ask that the trolls and bad actors stay away, as I am coming here specifically because I need professional insight.

Is it possible for a parent, reeling from a failed marriage and a profound lack of attention from their partner, to redirect that unmet need toward their child? Not necessarily in a sexual sense, but rather developing a sort of... let's call it a "partner-like" dynamic with them. Perhaps even a misplaced kind of emotional infatuation?

I assume there are people here who work in psychology, one way or another, so I would request that this discussion be kept to those professionals.

My thanks to the moderators for keeping this thread orderly; quite frankly, I wasn't sure where else to turn.

Thank you.

Laura Ortiz83 said:Hello,

I am starting this thread, and I would ask that the trolls and bad actors stay away, as I am coming here specifically because I need professional insight.

Is it possible for a parent, reeling from a failed marriage and a profound lack of attention from their partner, to redirect that unmet need toward their child? Not necessarily in a sexual sense, but rather developing a sort of... let's call it a "partner-like" dynamic with them. Perhaps even a misplaced kind of emotional infatuation?

I assume there are people here who work in psychology, one way or another, so I would request that this discussion be kept to those professionals.

My thanks to the moderators for keeping this thread orderly; quite frankly, I wasn't sure where else to turn.

Thank you.

It is entirely possible.
There are definitely situations like this, and the motivations aren't limited strictly to what you've suggested. It could stem from any kind of deep-seated frustration—perhaps some other life failure—that leads a person to mistakenly seek satisfaction or a surrogate through their child.
They end up trying to mold the child into something they aren't... like a romantic partner, a masterpiece, or something along those lines.
As our conversation unfolds, if you feel comfortable sharing more specifics...

Brenda Booth5 said:It is entirely possible.
There are definitely situations like this, and the motivations aren't limited strictly to what you've suggested. It could stem from any kind of deep-seated frustration—perhaps some other life failure—that leads a person to mistakenly seek satisfaction or a surrogate through their child.
They end up trying to mold the child into something they aren't... like a romantic partner, a masterpiece, or something along those lines.
As our conversation unfolds, if you feel comfortable sharing more specifics...

I am hoping this conversation expands; frankly, I am at a loss as to whom I can turn for clarity.

The issue isn't merely a matter of being "smitten"; it involves an excessive level of coddling, constant petting, and an inappropriate degree of physical intimacy that a father simply shouldn't be displaying. He does everything for the child, showering them with an overwhelming amount of attention, and there is this compulsive need to touch or cuddle them every single time he enters the room. It is deeply unsettling to witness. I don't understand it, and I need someone to provide a better explanation so I can try to make sense of it all.

Honestly, it’s totally possible. I feel like almost every parent deals with some level of emotional envy toward their kid at some point—it’s just human nature—but when they start treating that child like an adult peer or a romantic partner... well, that's a whole different ballgame. It doesn't happen every day, but in certain specific setups, it definitely crops up. In my experience, you see it most often in mother-son dynamics. Like, say, a mom who’s had a really rough run with men and ended up being super sensitive about it, and then her son grows up to be—not necessarily, but potentially—this more dominant guy. It shifts the energy, you know? Of course, age plays a huge role here too. I doubt you’d see this kind of thing forming with little kids—maybe under fifteen—but once they hit that 16 or 17 mark and start becoming young adults, all bets are off. Usually, mothers and sons stay in this cozy, protective loop, but sometimes the circumstances push things into much weirder, more progressive territory than what we consider "normal."

analogwalker8 said:Honestly, it’s totally possible. I feel like almost every parent deals with some level of emotional envy toward their kid at some point—it’s just human nature—but when they start treating that child like an adult peer or a romantic partner... well, that's a whole different ballgame. It doesn't happen every day, but in certain specific setups, it definitely crops up. In my experience, you see it most often in mother-son dynamics. Like, say, a mom who’s had a really rough run with men and ended up being super sensitive about it, and then her son grows up to be—not necessarily, but potentially—this more dominant guy. It shifts the energy, you know? Of course, age plays a huge role here too. I doubt you’d see this kind of thing forming with little kids—maybe under fifteen—but once they hit that 16 or 17 mark and start becoming young adults, all bets are off. Usually, mothers and sons stay in this cozy, protective loop, but sometimes the circumstances push things into much weirder, more progressive territory than what we consider "normal."

We are talking about a son in his early twenties and his father here. To clarify, the parents do not share a bed and actually can't stand one another, despite living under the same roof. The son lives on the other side of the country and only returns home once every two weeks.

Brenda Booth5 said:It is entirely possible.
There are definitely situations like this, and the motivations aren't limited strictly to what you've suggested. It could stem from any kind of deep-seated frustration—perhaps some other life failure—that leads a person to mistakenly seek satisfaction or a surrogate through their child.
They end up trying to mold the child into something they aren't... like a romantic partner, a masterpiece, or something along those lines.
As our conversation unfolds, if you feel comfortable sharing more specifics...

I see plenty of friends—both men and women—whose parents essentially became their lifelong partners. They live together, talk constantly, shop together, watch TV together, go for walks, make joint plans, split bills... all the way up to the point where these young adults feel zero need to become independent, travel, find their own partners, or get married.

Laura Ortiz83 said:I am hoping this conversation expands; frankly, I am at a loss as to whom I can turn for clarity.

The issue isn't merely a matter of being "smitten"; it involves an excessive level of coddling, constant petting, and an inappropriate degree of physical intimacy that a father simply shouldn't be displaying. He does everything for the child, showering them with an overwhelming amount of attention, and there is this compulsive need to touch or cuddle them every single time he enters the room. It is deeply unsettling to witness. I don't understand it, and I need someone to provide a better explanation so I can try to make sense of it all.

I am asking you to please clarify what you mean by the bolded part. What exactly are these "overly intimate gestures" you're referring to?

Andrew Doyle said:I am asking you to please clarify what you mean by the bolded part. What exactly are these "overly intimate gestures" you're referring to?

Everything you need is right there. I'm not sure why this topic keeps coming up again.

Skimmed the old thread and this one too...
So, here’s what I’m getting: you can’t stand how much that dad invades your space... and you think that kind of parent-child dynamic is just wrong. Plus, it bugs you that your guy sees things differently.
Clearly, you can't let it go... it's eating at you.
I even wondered if you're actually jealous of how close they are. Like you view that level of intimacy as straight-up pathological.
Personally, that kind of closeness creeps me out too... I'm not really into my parents constantly hugging or petting me. I don't need it... and honestly, it would be super weird if my boyfriend's dad was always all over him like that... but whatever.
What would *actually* bother me is if that "bond" meant my man had zero identity. Like, if he’s too scared to speak his mind when he disagrees with his folks. If he has no backbone. That's the real dealbreaker.

Andrew Doyle said:I am asking you to please clarify what you mean by the bolded part. What exactly are these "overly intimate gestures" you're referring to?

I was referring to things like touching his hair constantly, even when he and I are just sitting together or holding one another. The constant stroking of a leg, the frequent hair petting, or moments where she might wrap her arms around his neck and just stare at him from such a close proximity that there are no words left. Or, if a piece of food drops from his mouth onto the table, she picks it up 🙂 and runs her fingers through his hair...

If all of that is considered standard behavior, then I must be losing my mind, and frankly, I have no desire to dwell on the question any further. However, I maintain a persistent sense that this isn't quite right.

And I am certainly not suggesting—not that anyone here would jump to those kinds of conclusions—that there is anything sexual occurring. Rather, it feels as though a dynamic typically reserved for a mother and son has somehow bled into a romantic partnership. I am simply interested in hearing how one might explain this, if only to help me grasp it better. Because, as I stated, perhaps this is perfectly normal.

Laura Ortiz83 said:I was referring to things like touching his hair constantly, even when he and I are just sitting together or holding one another. The constant stroking of a leg, the frequent hair petting, or moments where she might wrap her arms around his neck and just stare at him from such a close proximity that there are no words left. Or, if a piece of food drops from his mouth onto the table, she picks it up 🙂 and runs her fingers through his hair...

If all of that is considered standard behavior, then I must be losing my mind, and frankly, I have no desire to dwell on the question any further. However, I maintain a persistent sense that this isn't quite right.

And I am certainly not suggesting—not that anyone here would jump to those kinds of conclusions—that there is anything sexual occurring. Rather, it feels as though a dynamic typically reserved for a mother and son has somehow bled into a romantic partnership. I am simply interested in hearing how one might explain this, if only to help me grasp it better. Because, as I stated, perhaps this is perfectly normal.

Seriously, Laura Ortiz83, what on earth are you two still doing working together? You’ve been asking yourself that exact same question for an entire year now. Honestly, that is way too long to be stuck in that kind of loop. 🤷

Honestly, you could have spent this entire year soaking up a million expert insights, diving deep into endless piles of literature, and actually doing the legwork to reach a coherent conclusion on your own. What exactly is this forum supposed to offer you at this point? You’re just going to end up spiraling right back into the same old patterns, and before you know it, you'll be whining about a locked thread just like you did last time. It’s completely pointless. 🤷

Andrew Doyle said:Seriously, Laura Ortiz83, what on earth are you two still doing working together? You’ve been asking yourself that exact same question for an entire year now. Honestly, that is way too long to be stuck in that kind of loop. 🤷

Honestly, you could have spent this entire year soaking up a million expert insights, diving deep into endless piles of literature, and actually doing the legwork to reach a coherent conclusion on your own. What exactly is this forum supposed to offer you at this point? You’re just going to end up spiraling right back into the same old patterns, and before you know it, you'll be whining about a locked thread just like you did last time. It’s completely pointless. 🤷

We’re engaged and living together, 😉 and that’s all there is to it.

However, reality isn't always that simple, and I’ve actually considered just stopping my visits to his place altogether. Before I make any final moves, if this behavior is actually normal and I'm just overthinking things, I intend to stop letting it get to me.

It doesn't haunt me constantly, but after spending a weekend at his house, I find myself needing a full week of solo therapy just to recover.

It’s not like you two are set in stone just because you're engaged and living under the same roof (how long has it actually been? A year and eight months, maybe?). That's basically the standard blueprint for relationships these days. But regardless of that, the bottom line remains the same: you have to decide whether you’re going to accept this dynamic or not. Honestly, if things are this messy, it would probably be best if you stopped hanging out at his parents' place altogether. It all feels a bit pointless, but if you’re going to end up traumatized for the rest of the week every single time you spend a weekend with them, then avoiding their social circle is definitely your best move.

As for this whole "excessive intimacy" argument—I don't see anything pathological about their relationship. If we start dissecting every little detail of that explanation, we’ll just end up circling back to the same old exhausted debate, and I highly doubt that's what you're looking for right now.

It’s totally possible, honestly... those are just well-documented, studied, and clearly defined psychological patterns that are completely inappropriate.

When parents are stuck in a marriage that isn't working, they often try to offload their own internal frustrations, tension, and especially those emotional and sexual voids onto their kids through forced intimacy... and even when it’s not explicitly sexual—like what you're describing with your boyfriend and his dad—if there’s this constant, repetitive touching or invading his personal space, it starts looking less like affection and more like some kind of compulsive behavior...

Alexander Martinez5 said:It’s totally possible, honestly... those are just well-documented, studied, and clearly defined psychological patterns that are completely inappropriate.

When parents are stuck in a marriage that isn't working, they often try to offload their own internal frustrations, tension, and especially those emotional and sexual voids onto their kids through forced intimacy... and even when it’s not explicitly sexual—like what you're describing with your boyfriend and his dad—if there’s this constant, repetitive touching or invading his personal space, it starts looking less like affection and more like some kind of compulsive behavior...

THANK YOU!!! That is more than enough for me. I have zero interest in letting this thread drag on AGAIN!

Thanks.

How exactly does an answer here help you navigate this... Any response at all (yes—it’s normal, or no—it isn't) doesn't change your actual life. If their dynamic is considered normal by a son or a father, regardless of whether some stranger online offers expert or amateur advice, the reality remains the same: their relationship is what it is, and they aren't going to change just because it bothers you. This seems to be your burden to carry, and it's something you need to work through with your fiancé and within yourself... seeking validation from strangers won't solve it.

Laura Ortiz83 said:THANK YOU!!! That is more than enough for me. I have zero interest in letting this thread drag on AGAIN!

Thanks.

I totally get why you’re linking those over-the-top fatherly gestures—let's call them displays of affection—to something more sinister like incest, even if it's just latent, but while they might seem to share some traits, it's honestly pretty hard to draw any real conclusions without knowing the full backstory of the entire family history... Incest typically happens within a family unit where the victim is usually a child going through puberty, which clearly isn't the case with your boyfriend. But reading through this, it feels to me like he's maybe not a victim per se, but he's definitely an object for his father's compulsive behaviors. Regardless of my take or how you personally perceive it since you're the one witnessing it, if your boyfriend hasn't been traumatized or if his dad's behavior doesn't actually bother him, then the only thing that truly matters is how that behavior makes him feel inside... You could also look at whether he's even aware that his dad's actions are inappropriate, or if he's just brushing off the weirdness because of the existing family dynamics, like maybe being aware of his mother's coldness and just trying to please the father he actually loves or respects more...

OP's looking for validation that her relationship is toxic.
So what? What's the move? You gonna actually change anything?
Not even my native tongue and I still can't follow you...😕

darkcanyon10 said:OP's looking for validation that her relationship is toxic.
So what? What's the move? You gonna actually change anything?
Not even my native tongue and I still can't follow you...😕

Look, please, let's not get dramatic. Okay?

In my initial post, I explicitly stated that I was seeking professional insight, primarily because lately it seems like whenever I bring up psychology, people respond with nothing but mindless, unsolicited opinions on how I should live my life instead of actually addressing the subject at hand.

So, that's that. ☕