#21 ·
I feel like I’ve been grinding my whole life, you know? Just going through all these different phases... hitting the gym consistently, trying every diet under the sun, playing sports, hiking through the Rockies, staying away from everything bad... just everything. It’s all just piled up over the years. I push myself for a few months at a time, but nothing ever really sticks. After about three months, I just... I lose it. I can't find the drive anymore.
Anyway, my psychiatrist actually agreed that this might be the core issue, so I started taking Wellbutrin... though I'm not sure if it'll help much. I mean, it's not surprising, since it's basically just a second-line treatment for ADHD. Maybe it'll work, maybe not. I'll probably ask my doctor about Concerta next time...
Oh, also, there's this one thing my therapist reacted to—something I've been wondering about for ages: the very first time I ever tried amphetamines (misusing them, obviously), I noticed immediately that I had perfect pitch while they were in my system. And every single time after that, without fail. I have perfect pitch when I'm on them. I’m talking specifically about singing.
To explain... I think I actually *have* perfect pitch. I can hear when tones are off. As a kid, I spent months and months composing things... and honestly, I've written some pretty beautiful songs, it all flows... but I just can't sing right.
If someone had asked me what was wrong with my singing before all this—like, five or ten years ago—I would have told them that I just don't hear myself correctly. I can hear the wrong tones and the right ones, and I know exactly which note I want to hit—I can hear it clearly in my head—but once I start singing, it's like the sound coming out of my mouth drowns out the tone I intended to sing in my mind.
Singing works like this—at least, that's what I realized on amphetamines... the first note you release when you start singing doesn't necessarily have to be perfect, but if you can hear the sound you're making and simultaneously "hear" the intended note you want to hit, and your brain is functioning correctly, then in a split second, you're able to adjust the sound coming from your vocal cords to match the right pitch. That adjustment requires your brain to be perfectly synchronized and functioning properly.
And see, my "normal" state is just... broken. My whole life. The change the amphetamines bring is so obvious. Even some musicians I know who struggled with addiction confirmed it... not only that, but my vocal range expands, like, the precision of my vocal cord control gets better. Vocal cords are muscles, right? Muscles are controlled by acetylcholine and dopamine. When I'm on amphetamines, I have much higher "resolution" for the movements and sounds my vocal cords can produce.
So, the background here is that deep down, deep, deep down, I just love music. Everything about it. I've spent so much time composing and listening to my own stuff... I love dancing. No matter how little motivation I have, if a good song comes on, I'll end up jumping around my room like a total idiot. I love singing too, but I haven't been able to sing properly my entire life... that's the one piece missing. I used to say that if I could just sing, I'd make a career out of it... and then I try amphetamines and realize I *can* sing on them. Since then, whenever the group would get high on speed, I would spend the ENTIRE night just singing. I'd chat with people here and there, but the singing was always the main thing.
So... is it fair that I'm being denied the ability to sing? Something I clearly love and want so much... just because of a chemical deficiency?
And please, don't start giving me advice. I've been singing my whole life despite not knowing how... mostly just in the shower or at home, though sometimes I'll hum at work too. But it sounds bad. Not terrible, but it isn't accurate... it's nowhere near how it sounds when I'm on amphetamines. So, I've spent my whole life trying to learn, and it just won't happen. If I could just fix that one line, I'd automatically be Mariah Carey... I'm not even kidding.
Do you get what I'm saying?
Anyway, my psychiatrist actually agreed that this might be the core issue, so I started taking Wellbutrin... though I'm not sure if it'll help much. I mean, it's not surprising, since it's basically just a second-line treatment for ADHD. Maybe it'll work, maybe not. I'll probably ask my doctor about Concerta next time...
Oh, also, there's this one thing my therapist reacted to—something I've been wondering about for ages: the very first time I ever tried amphetamines (misusing them, obviously), I noticed immediately that I had perfect pitch while they were in my system. And every single time after that, without fail. I have perfect pitch when I'm on them. I’m talking specifically about singing.
To explain... I think I actually *have* perfect pitch. I can hear when tones are off. As a kid, I spent months and months composing things... and honestly, I've written some pretty beautiful songs, it all flows... but I just can't sing right.
If someone had asked me what was wrong with my singing before all this—like, five or ten years ago—I would have told them that I just don't hear myself correctly. I can hear the wrong tones and the right ones, and I know exactly which note I want to hit—I can hear it clearly in my head—but once I start singing, it's like the sound coming out of my mouth drowns out the tone I intended to sing in my mind.
Singing works like this—at least, that's what I realized on amphetamines... the first note you release when you start singing doesn't necessarily have to be perfect, but if you can hear the sound you're making and simultaneously "hear" the intended note you want to hit, and your brain is functioning correctly, then in a split second, you're able to adjust the sound coming from your vocal cords to match the right pitch. That adjustment requires your brain to be perfectly synchronized and functioning properly.
And see, my "normal" state is just... broken. My whole life. The change the amphetamines bring is so obvious. Even some musicians I know who struggled with addiction confirmed it... not only that, but my vocal range expands, like, the precision of my vocal cord control gets better. Vocal cords are muscles, right? Muscles are controlled by acetylcholine and dopamine. When I'm on amphetamines, I have much higher "resolution" for the movements and sounds my vocal cords can produce.
So, the background here is that deep down, deep, deep down, I just love music. Everything about it. I've spent so much time composing and listening to my own stuff... I love dancing. No matter how little motivation I have, if a good song comes on, I'll end up jumping around my room like a total idiot. I love singing too, but I haven't been able to sing properly my entire life... that's the one piece missing. I used to say that if I could just sing, I'd make a career out of it... and then I try amphetamines and realize I *can* sing on them. Since then, whenever the group would get high on speed, I would spend the ENTIRE night just singing. I'd chat with people here and there, but the singing was always the main thing.
So... is it fair that I'm being denied the ability to sing? Something I clearly love and want so much... just because of a chemical deficiency?
And please, don't start giving me advice. I've been singing my whole life despite not knowing how... mostly just in the shower or at home, though sometimes I'll hum at work too. But it sounds bad. Not terrible, but it isn't accurate... it's nowhere near how it sounds when I'm on amphetamines. So, I've spent my whole life trying to learn, and it just won't happen. If I could just fix that one line, I'd automatically be Mariah Carey... I'm not even kidding.
Do you get what I'm saying?