Something's wrong with my relationship with my brother...

I have an older brother, three years my senior. He’s 24, unemployed, and living at home with my mom and me. We haven't really grown up together, so we don't have much of a relationship. No talking, no saying hello... nothing. It's just nothing.

But for the last three months, since he hasn't had a job, he just lurks around the house and spends all day online. It drives me insane. His mere presence, his aimlessness, the mindless nonsense he spouts to Mom... it's exhausting. Usually, he's Mom's golden boy—he's great, except for the gambling. He's struggled with a gambling addiction for years and went through rehab. Things seemed fine, but now he's back at it, though he isn't draining the family's bank account yet. What gets to me most is that he spends all day playing poker tournaments on sites like DraftKings. To make matters worse, he hangs out in my room like he owns the place.

To be clear, I don't live with my dad; he lives in another city. It's just me and my mom here. And again, he's Mom's favorite. We just had a massive blowout where he started screaming at me because I suggested he should probably sleep instead of being glued to the internet 24/7. He started yelling at both me and Mom, making these violent threats about "committing a massacre" and other stuff like that.

I don't know what to do. Mom keeps defending him, claiming I'm the one provoking him. I'm weighing two options: either move in with my dad and only come back here for college classes and exams, or just skip coming home tonight and crash at a friend's place for a few days until things cool down. But if I do that, I feel bad for my mom.

Richard Bishop33 said:I have an older brother, three years my senior. He’s 24, unemployed, and living at home with my mom and me. We haven't really grown up together, so we don't have much of a relationship. No talking, no saying hello... nothing. It's just nothing.

But for the last three months, since he hasn't had a job, he just lurks around the house and spends all day online. It drives me insane. His mere presence, his aimlessness, the mindless nonsense he spouts to Mom... it's exhausting. Usually, he's Mom's golden boy—he's great, except for the gambling. He's struggled with a gambling addiction for years and went through rehab. Things seemed fine, but now he's back at it, though he isn't draining the family's bank account yet. What gets to me most is that he spends all day playing poker tournaments on sites like DraftKings. To make matters worse, he hangs out in my room like he owns the place.

To be clear, I don't live with my dad; he lives in another city. It's just me and my mom here. And again, he's Mom's favorite. We just had a massive blowout where he started screaming at me because I suggested he should probably sleep instead of being glued to the internet 24/7. He started yelling at both me and Mom, making these violent threats about "committing a massacre" and other stuff like that.

I don't know what to do. Mom keeps defending him, claiming I'm the one provoking him. I'm weighing two options: either move in with my dad and only come back here for college classes and exams, or just skip coming home tonight and crash at a friend's place for a few days until things cool down. But if I do that, I feel bad for my mom.

If you get along with your dad, just go live with him.

Maybe you don't even need to bring your dad into this.
Honestly, just carving out some personal space might be enough—like, at least tell your brother he needs to stop barging into your room whenever he feels like it.

I don't care if he's the "golden child" of the family; you're a grown man with actual rights, and you deserve some peace and quiet. Don't be afraid to push back on him a little and remind him that he’s an adult now. If he wants to spend all day venting to your mom about whatever nonsense is on his mind, let him... that's her cross to bear, not yours. Just focus on your own life, stay responsible, and act like the adult in the room—and then expect them to do the exact same thing.
There has to be some level of respect in a house, right?

Look, if you and your brother aren't exactly best friends, don't feel pressured to force some fake bond right now. It’s perfectly fine to just be civil and demand that he treats you with the same courtesy.

It’s definitely easier said than done, I guess...
Maybe you could look into staying with your dad or even just crashing at a friend's place for a bit until you can get back on your feet...
I suppose it might feel like you're backing down, but from what I can tell, he sounds pretty aggressive and incredibly entitled, and I bet he's never actually had to break a sweat or work hard for anything in his life since everything has always been handed to him on a silver platter, which probably explains why he turned out this way.

If you can find a way to get away from that whole environment, I’d say just go for it, because you really don't need that kind of negativity in your life and you deserve so much more...
As for your mom, if she’s perfectly happy just having him around her, well, moms can be a little too protective when it comes to their sons—at least that’s how it’s always been for me—so if that's what she wants, that's fine, but please don't let her pull you down into that nightmare with him.

Good luck!

Thanks a lot. I don't know, it’s just hard to head back home to my dad. All my friends are here, I'm finishing up my degree here... everything I need is right here. But mentally, I think moving on is better. I've decided I'll go see him in three days—settled that part before my finals start. To be honest, though, his presence just gets under my skin. It’s suffocating being around him. He was always the one who had everything handed to him on a silver platter; his parents basically paved every single inch of his path from school straight to his career. Me? Not at all. I was the "perfect" kid. Always respectful, never pushed back, never caused trouble, never even brought a partner home without permission. It was just expected of me. If I ever dared to have an actual opinion, I was labeled "unstable" or told I needed therapy.

Richard Bishop33 said:Thanks a lot. I don't know, it’s just hard to head back home to my dad. All my friends are here, I'm finishing up my degree here... everything I need is right here. But mentally, I think moving on is better. I've decided I'll go see him in three days—settled that part before my finals start. To be honest, though, his presence just gets under my skin. It’s suffocating being around him. He was always the one who had everything handed to him on a silver platter; his parents basically paved every single inch of his path from school straight to his career. Me? Not at all. I was the "perfect" kid. Always respectful, never pushed back, never caused trouble, never even brought a partner home without permission. It was just expected of me. If I ever dared to have an actual opinion, I was labeled "unstable" or told I needed therapy.

Is it the dad that makes you feel heavy, or is it your brother? 😕

David Scott7 said:Is it the dad that makes you feel heavy, or is it your brother? 😕

Of course not. The point is I’ve lived here my whole life, and I’ve never actually lived in the same city as my father. I visit him for a few days and then head back. I get along great with my dad, but I value my independence—I don't want anyone breathing down my neck. The issue isn't the family; it's the lack of community here. There's no future in this small town. If I want to go to college, I have to drive an hour just to get there. I'm almost done with my degree now—only five exams left until graduation. I have my social life and everything here, but my family ties are basically non-existent in this area.

Look, you've gotta make a call here—either you try to pull him out of this mess, or you just pack up and move in with your old man. If you’re leaning towards stepping in to help, please, for the love of God, do your homework first. You need a game plan that isn't some aggressive, confrontational blowout—something more subtle that pulls his focus away from being glued to the internet. Just don't sit there and pretend nothing is happening, because that kind of avoidance will drive you absolutely insane. Honestly, maybe having them left alone for a bit might actually do them some good—give them a chance to sit with their own thoughts and finally realize what's going on. At least your mother might get it, even if he doesn't.