Am I avoiding emotions? I can't seem to commit to any deep relationships.

Greetings. I’ve been conducting a sort of personal retrospective since my freshman year of college, primarily because I’ve sensed a persistent misalignment in my interpersonal relationships. I am looking for some perspectives here. Perhaps this falls under the realm of psychology, so feel free to approach it from whatever angle you see fit. It will likely be a lengthy reflection, so read at your own discretion.

I suppose one must start with childhood. Growing up, I was never presented with a positive model of how things should work, and there were certainly traumas involved, which I suspect lies at the heart of my current struggles. It is easy enough to rationalize these things once you reach adulthood, isn't it? But when you are just a kid, nothing makes sense—not the why, nor the how. Because of that environment, I never felt comfortable discussing emotions or anything deeply personal; instead, I spent my energy finding ways to escape that domestic reality and find some semblance of peace. I threw myself into academics and sports—anything to stay active and distracted. Even then, I could tell my anxieties were different from my peers, though I still managed to fit in.

Now, as I approach the end of my degree, I realize I haven't moved much further from that mindset. While people generally accept me, I don't engage in any profound connections. I tend to avoid deep social circles, or rather, I navigate them with a sort of half-professional detachment before retreating back into my own world.

To be honest, I haven't reached a definitive conclusion. Is it that I lack emotions entirely? I don't believe that's the case. Have I simply avoided feeling them for so long that this numbness has become my baseline? Or is it possible that some people are just fundamentally wired this way, and that is simply the end of the matter?

Regarding women, I always held onto the naive idea that "the right one" would eventually arrive. Today, however, I am not even certain if I am searching for anything at all. It isn't that I am actively avoiding it, but rather that I have no idea what I want—or if I even want anything. In an era where everything seems to revolve around superficial drama and who is sleeping with whom, I find I have zero desire to even experiment, especially when I haven't even mastered the fundamentals of my own being. How can I possibly suggest to someone that we "try holding hands" when I am still trying to figure out if I even enjoy the sensation?

I am at a loss for what else to say...

Frank Lewis3 said:Greetings. I’ve been conducting a sort of personal retrospective since my freshman year of college, primarily because I’ve sensed a persistent misalignment in my interpersonal relationships. I am looking for some perspectives here. Perhaps this falls under the realm of psychology, so feel free to approach it from whatever angle you see fit. It will likely be a lengthy reflection, so read at your own discretion.

I suppose one must start with childhood. Growing up, I was never presented with a positive model of how things should work, and there were certainly traumas involved, which I suspect lies at the heart of my current struggles. It is easy enough to rationalize these things once you reach adulthood, isn't it? But when you are just a kid, nothing makes sense—not the why, nor the how. Because of that environment, I never felt comfortable discussing emotions or anything deeply personal; instead, I spent my energy finding ways to escape that domestic reality and find some semblance of peace. I threw myself into academics and sports—anything to stay active and distracted. Even then, I could tell my anxieties were different from my peers, though I still managed to fit in.

Now, as I approach the end of my degree, I realize I haven't moved much further from that mindset. While people generally accept me, I don't engage in any profound connections. I tend to avoid deep social circles, or rather, I navigate them with a sort of half-professional detachment before retreating back into my own world.

To be honest, I haven't reached a definitive conclusion. Is it that I lack emotions entirely? I don't believe that's the case. Have I simply avoided feeling them for so long that this numbness has become my baseline? Or is it possible that some people are just fundamentally wired this way, and that is simply the end of the matter?

Regarding women, I always held onto the naive idea that "the right one" would eventually arrive. Today, however, I am not even certain if I am searching for anything at all. It isn't that I am actively avoiding it, but rather that I have no idea what I want—or if I even want anything. In an era where everything seems to revolve around superficial drama and who is sleeping with whom, I find I have zero desire to even experiment, especially when I haven't even mastered the fundamentals of my own being. How can I possibly suggest to someone that we "try holding hands" when I am still trying to figure out if I even enjoy the sensation?

I am at a loss for what else to say...

Sounds familiar to me. Are you being too hard on yourself? That’s not an easy question. I mean, do you have an exaggerated sense of responsibility, a heavy conscience, or lots of self-criticism? Are you always hyper-aware of yourself in every situation? Do you struggle to process your surroundings because you're too preoccupied with yourself within them? Do you find team sports harder? Does your head ever ring? Do certain fabric textures irritate you easily? Do you just prefer being alone with your own thoughts?

Frank Lewis3 said:Greetings. I’ve been conducting a sort of personal retrospective since my freshman year of college, primarily because I’ve sensed a persistent misalignment in my interpersonal relationships. I am looking for some perspectives here. Perhaps this falls under the realm of psychology, so feel free to approach it from whatever angle you see fit. It will likely be a lengthy reflection, so read at your own discretion.

I suppose one must start with childhood. Growing up, I was never presented with a positive model of how things should work, and there were certainly traumas involved, which I suspect lies at the heart of my current struggles. It is easy enough to rationalize these things once you reach adulthood, isn't it? But when you are just a kid, nothing makes sense—not the why, nor the how. Because of that environment, I never felt comfortable discussing emotions or anything deeply personal; instead, I spent my energy finding ways to escape that domestic reality and find some semblance of peace. I threw myself into academics and sports—anything to stay active and distracted. Even then, I could tell my anxieties were different from my peers, though I still managed to fit in.

Now, as I approach the end of my degree, I realize I haven't moved much further from that mindset. While people generally accept me, I don't engage in any profound connections. I tend to avoid deep social circles, or rather, I navigate them with a sort of half-professional detachment before retreating back into my own world.

To be honest, I haven't reached a definitive conclusion. Is it that I lack emotions entirely? I don't believe that's the case. Have I simply avoided feeling them for so long that this numbness has become my baseline? Or is it possible that some people are just fundamentally wired this way, and that is simply the end of the matter?

Regarding women, I always held onto the naive idea that "the right one" would eventually arrive. Today, however, I am not even certain if I am searching for anything at all. It isn't that I am actively avoiding it, but rather that I have no idea what I want—or if I even want anything. In an era where everything seems to revolve around superficial drama and who is sleeping with whom, I find I have zero desire to even experiment, especially when I haven't even mastered the fundamentals of my own being. How can I possibly suggest to someone that we "try holding hands" when I am still trying to figure out if I even enjoy the sensation?

I am at a loss for what else to say...

Sorry, I trimmed your post down a bit. Take a look at the thread titled "Emotional Invalid"—it's right next to yours. A girl started it because she was dealing with similar issues, and we wrote quite a lot to her...
It’s hard to give you a concrete solution for your situation, other than suggesting some serious self-reflection and maybe seeing a therapist...
And you hit the nail on the head—so much of modern life is just centered around sex. It’s sad, really, but many people don't even recognize love anymore because everything and anything is being marketed under its name...
The bottom line is this: to solve your dilemma, you need a genuine, internal drive to deepen a connection—a desire to actually feel intense emotions and love within a relationship. You also need a partner who will motivate you toward that. Don't force yourself into a relationship or settle for just holding hands simply because it feels like "what everyone else does"...
It’s vital to stay self-aware. If you find yourself in a relationship where those deep emotions just aren't sparking for you, it’s better to end things as soon as possible. Otherwise, you risk causing a lot of pain to the other person...

Jessica Fowler4 said:Sounds familiar to me. Are you being too hard on yourself? That’s not an easy question. I mean, do you have an exaggerated sense of responsibility, a heavy conscience, or lots of self-criticism? Are you always hyper-aware of yourself in every situation? Do you struggle to process your surroundings because you're too preoccupied with yourself within them? Do you find team sports harder? Does your head ever ring? Do certain fabric textures irritate you easily? Do you just prefer being alone with your own thoughts?

Most likely, yes..

Are you constantly hyper-aware of yourself in every given situation?

I am always one hundred percent aware of everything surrounding me..

Do you find it difficult to process your environment because you are too preoccupied with your own presence within it?

Not really; I perceive my surroundings quite clearly. I can almost always discern the underlying motives of those around me—what drives them and what kind of people they truly are. In fact, I believe I understand people better than most.. though that is a separate issue from how much I choose to engage with it all. I simply refuse to get bogged down in the usual trivialities and petty social dramas; frankly, I find such things tedious and utterly uninteresting.

Do you struggle more with team sports?

Quite the opposite.. I excel at team sports. I find it far more rewarding to express myself through action rather than engaging in empty, mindless chatter. It provides a real opportunity to demonstrate creativity, intelligence, and character, which is precisely what I enjoy..

Do you experience tinnitus? Or perhaps find certain fabric textures irritating to the touch?

No..

Do you enjoy being alone, at peace with your own thoughts?

Absolutely.. though I certainly couldn't survive in total isolation, if that is what you are implying..

Raymond Gomez2 said:Sorry, I trimmed your post down a bit. Take a look at the thread titled "Emotional Invalid"—it's right next to yours. A girl started it because she was dealing with similar issues, and we wrote quite a lot to her...
It’s hard to give you a concrete solution for your situation, other than suggesting some serious self-reflection and maybe seeing a therapist...
And you hit the nail on the head—so much of modern life is just centered around sex. It’s sad, really, but many people don't even recognize love anymore because everything and anything is being marketed under its name...
The bottom line is this: to solve your dilemma, you need a genuine, internal drive to deepen a connection—a desire to actually feel intense emotions and love within a relationship. You also need a partner who will motivate you toward that. Don't force yourself into a relationship or settle for just holding hands simply because it feels like "what everyone else does"...
It’s vital to stay self-aware. If you find yourself in a relationship where those deep emotions just aren't sparking for you, it’s better to end things as soon as possible. Otherwise, you risk causing a lot of pain to the other person...

I’ve experienced this pattern before with women—you act kindly toward them (though, to be fair, I treat everyone with respect), and then they suddenly want to escalate things while I feel absolutely nothing, leaving them completely bewildered. Lately, however, I've been making a point to avoid these situations entirely, simply because the mental exhaustion of navigating them is far too high a price to pay.

What’s the end game here? Are you actually looking for a relationship—you know, that deep, intense emotional connection—or are you genuinely content just cruising through life solo? Look, we aren't all wired the same way; some people honestly find more peace being on their own, and there's nothing wrong with that. But you really need to sit down and do some soul-searching. If you're still stuck in limbo, try just building some friendships with a few women first. It’s not like you're jumping straight into bed with them—it's low stakes—but it’ll give you a real sense of how much social interaction actually shifts your headspace and whether you even enjoy the vibe. If you eventually decide you want something deeper than just being buddies, then go out and 🙂

To be perfectly honest, I haven't the slightest clue what it is I actually want. I lack any real sense of direction or a vision for how my life ought to unfold; at this point, I suppose I am simply waiting for some sudden bolt of inspiration to strike me and tell me what to do with myself.

I can't say whether my current state is ideal, though I suspect it is—if it weren't, I would likely have made an effort to change something by now, wouldn't I?

I find myself scrolling through these threads about depression and various other struggles, and I wonder: am I caught in that same cycle, or am I merely wired differently than the rest of society?

Truthfully, I have zero desire to pursue any kind of relationship. While I maintain a polite demeanor toward everyone I encounter, I am at my best when left entirely alone. Someone who knows me intimately tells me that I actually hate people, laughing at the way I function, but I don't see it being quite that extreme. However, the reality remains that I have no interest in making compromises for anyone else; I generally find people to be tedious, burdened by endless needs, and frankly exhausting. Perhaps I am being overly critical, but then again, I hold myself to that same unforgiving standard.

So you’re saying people are boring? Honestly, maybe you just haven't crossed paths with the right crowd yet. Just picture this—someone who actually gets you. Someone where the conversation flows because you share the same interests, the same outlook on life, even the same weird little quirks. It took me forever to find my tribe, too. For me, it was the internet that bridged the gap, though I've definitely met some of these folks in person, too. There's really nothing quite like that feeling when two total strangers just instantly click 🙂

Have you ever actually tried putting things down on paper?
Like, just sitting there in the silence, letting your mind wander through what you actually expect from yourself, what kind of woman you’d want to meet one day, or even what kind of inner circle you want to build around you.
Regarding yourself, you can demand anything and everything; you can aim for nothing less than the absolute best version of who you are. But when it comes to other people? You can't expect a damn thing. All you can do is be crystal clear about what you want and, more importantly, what you won't tolerate.
I think the first step is working on yourself to figure out those actual desires. If you're feeling depressed or just completely unmotivated, then fine—be that way for a few days. Don't force yourself to act happy if it isn't happening. If the smile won't come, it won't come. Eventually, you'll get sick of feeling like that, and some idea will just snap into your head—some reality check that kicks you back into gear.
It isn't easy, and it takes time. It sucks when you feel lost and don't know what you want out of life, but it's even worse if you aren't even self-aware enough to realize you're lost.

Maybe it sounds cliché, but try writing things down. I guarantee you how much a simple, basic thing like that can surprise you. It can spark a sudden wave of positivity or a burst of life energy that actually motivates you to change something.

Unfortunately, the world today has gone totally soft... BlueMoon already touched on this, and I can only build on her point by quoting Jeanette Winterson: “What a strange world it is where you can have as much sex as you like but love is taboo”!
Modern relationships have turned into something pathetic. Everything is superficial. People are constantly telling you there are "other fish in the sea," or that since there are billions of us, why bother fighting for one specific person? They tell you someone else will just stumble along who is better or more perfect. To me, all of that is just an escape from oneself—searching for who you are in other people, when you definitely won't find yourself there.
Face your own demons. Make peace with them, and things will get easier. You'll meet a side of yourself you've never encountered before; maybe it'll shock you, or maybe it'll pleasantly surprise you. Work on yourself, man. Change your own world if it doesn't suit you or if it's not fulfilling you. Only then should you worry about fitting in with the rest of the world.

That’s precisely the issue, isn't it? I find myself lacking any real sense of direction or specific ambitions; I simply don't see myself fitting into the roles society seems to prize so highly. Most people seem driven by the pursuit of a beautiful partner as if it were some ultimate life goal, or perhaps they're chasing a massive paycheck for minimal effort—honestly, I find that entire way of thinking utterly vacuous. None of it provides even a shred of motivation for me, nor does it hold any genuine interest. As for what I actually want out of life? I haven't the slightest clue, and it's painfully obvious that I need to start doing some serious work to figure that out.

Look, you’re missing the point entirely. If that isn't your goal, then why even bother chasing it? For some people, the whole objective is just working on themselves—getting their own act together—so they can eventually find someone else who’s equally put together. But hey, that’s not a one-size-fits-all rule, is it? Not everyone operates that way. Why should they?

Forget the computer stuff. Just focus on fixing your own life first. It’s going to be a long, grueling process, and honestly, you’ll probably end up hating yourself a little bit along the way, but trust me... it's worth the effort.😉

Frank Lewis3 said:Greetings. I’ve been conducting a sort of personal retrospective since my freshman year of college, primarily because I’ve sensed a persistent misalignment in my interpersonal relationships. I am looking for some perspectives here. Perhaps this falls under the realm of psychology, so feel free to approach it from whatever angle you see fit. It will likely be a lengthy reflection, so read at your own discretion.

I suppose one must start with childhood. Growing up, I was never presented with a positive model of how things should work, and there were certainly traumas involved, which I suspect lies at the heart of my current struggles. It is easy enough to rationalize these things once you reach adulthood, isn't it? But when you are just a kid, nothing makes sense—not the why, nor the how. Because of that environment, I never felt comfortable discussing emotions or anything deeply personal; instead, I spent my energy finding ways to escape that domestic reality and find some semblance of peace. I threw myself into academics and sports—anything to stay active and distracted. Even then, I could tell my anxieties were different from my peers, though I still managed to fit in.

Now, as I approach the end of my degree, I realize I haven't moved much further from that mindset. While people generally accept me, I don't engage in any profound connections. I tend to avoid deep social circles, or rather, I navigate them with a sort of half-professional detachment before retreating back into my own world.

To be honest, I haven't reached a definitive conclusion. Is it that I lack emotions entirely? I don't believe that's the case. Have I simply avoided feeling them for so long that this numbness has become my baseline? Or is it possible that some people are just fundamentally wired this way, and that is simply the end of the matter?

Regarding women, I always held onto the naive idea that "the right one" would eventually arrive. Today, however, I am not even certain if I am searching for anything at all. It isn't that I am actively avoiding it, but rather that I have no idea what I want—or if I even want anything. In an era where everything seems to revolve around superficial drama and who is sleeping with whom, I find I have zero desire to even experiment, especially when I haven't even mastered the fundamentals of my own being. How can I possibly suggest to someone that we "try holding hands" when I am still trying to figure out if I even enjoy the sensation?

I am at a loss for what else to say...

Wow. It's like I wrote this myself. I deal with the same "issue," though I don't necessarily view it as a problem.

I hang out with people too, but I always build a wall to keep them from getting close. I know exactly why that happened—middle school bullying.

Right now, I feel like a robot. The only real emotion I experience is fear, specifically if I think something bad might happen to me. Everything else is suppressed. I just observe things logically, coldly, without actually feeling them.

There are still 😍 us out there. I guess I totally get where you're coming from 😉