Can people with mental health struggles be good parents?

Hey there everyone!
I’d really love to hear your thoughts and maybe some of your own experiences regarding a situation I’m currently wrestling with, because I could use some perspective.
So, I’m 26 and married, and more than anything, I truly want to have a baby. But what I’m really struggling with—and honestly, it’s been a heavy weight to carry—is my social anxiety and phobia. I wouldn't say I'm depressed, per se, but because of this anxiety, I just don't like leaving the house much at all, especially if I'm by myself, unless it’s absolutely necessary for work or errands. I don't really do the whole going out for coffee or hanging out with friends thing; I mostly just go out with my husband, which feels okay, I guess.
I also tend to be incredibly sensitive, and I often get this overwhelming feeling that when I am out in public, everyone is just staring right at me. But then again, I suppose that's just the social phobia talking.
The part that's really eating at me, though, is this nagging fear that I might not actually be capable of having a child—and I don't just mean the physical part, but the actual raising of them and guiding them through life. Since I'm still dealing with so many of my own internal struggles and uncertainties, I feel like I don't know the first thing about kids. I honestly can't picture how I would be a steady support system or a pillar for a little one. Plus, kids need to go outside and play, and that means I’d have to be out there too, chatting with other parents at the park or being fully present and engaged, and those are the exact situations that trigger my anxiety so much.
I know I could give a child my whole heart and be 100% devoted to them, but I find myself wondering if they would actually be happy, since there are certain things I just can't provide simply because of who I am. I keep asking myself if I can truly be a good mother given everything I'm going through. Even though we are in a really stable place financially right now, I have this deep-seated fear that I won't be a good parent, or that I might accidentally pass my own anxieties down to them, and that's the last thing I ever want to do.
And please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell me that "everything changes once the baby arrives," because I think some things just stay the same, no matter what.
Is there a way through this, or a way to decide what to do?

Look, you need to decide to tackle your own issues first. That means finding a psychiatrist. Seriously, don't let pride get in the way. Why on earth would you choose to struggle through life when there's help available? Maybe it turns out you just need a prescription, or maybe some talk therapy will do the trick.
Furthermore, most moms experience these exact same anxieties after having their first child. It’s a constant loop of "How am I going to manage?", "Am I actually cut out for this?", "What if I get sick—who's going to watch the baby?", and then an endless string of "what ifs" that just won't quit.
That realization—that you are suddenly responsible for such a tiny, fragile little being—eventually kicks in and you find your footing. But before that happens, you absolutely have to prioritize helping yourself.
Good luck. No shame in it.

Thanks.
I’ve actually been seeing a therapist—well, more of a psychiatrist, I guess—for a little while now, and things are definitely looking up compared to how they used to be. But, you know, what they told me quite bluntly was that I probably won't ever fully get rid of this part of myself. It seems like my insecurity, my shyness, and this general sense of being "afraid" of people is just baked into who I am, maybe just part of my DNA at this point, so I can't really change the core of it. 🤷
So, I suppose the big question is—can people who are shy or introverted actually be good parents??

Jason Martin4 said:Thanks.
I’ve actually been seeing a therapist—well, more of a psychiatrist, I guess—for a little while now, and things are definitely looking up compared to how they used to be. But, you know, what they told me quite bluntly was that I probably won't ever fully get rid of this part of myself. It seems like my insecurity, my shyness, and this general sense of being "afraid" of people is just baked into who I am, maybe just part of my DNA at this point, so I can't really change the core of it. 🤷
So, I suppose the big question is—can people who are shy or introverted actually be good parents??

Introverts can be great parents, and they can be mediocre too.
Extroverts can be great parents, and they can be mediocre too.

What I mean is, you can't generalize like that. Being a decent parent isn't about whether you're an introvert or an extrovert. Other factors matter much more...

But this part really caught my eye:

But what was told to me quite bluntly is that I'll probably never fully get over it. This insecurity, this shyness, this "fear" of people... it's just built into who I am. It's part of my nature, and there's nothing I can do to change it.

Did a professional really put it that way? It sounds incredibly deterministic to me. Most therapists wouldn't make a statement like that... if ever.

There’s no way I could be a decent parent if I don't get my act together first. I'd just end up passing all my baggage down and making my kid even more messed up than I am. I can do it, but only after I finish therapy. Direct route: psychotherapist.

Austin Lopez4 said:There’s no way I could be a decent parent if I don't get my act together first. I'd just end up passing all my baggage down and making my kid even more messed up than I am. I can do it, but only after I finish therapy. Direct route: psychotherapist.

There’s really no way for us to know for sure.

Honestly, I don't think they can pull it off. Not that it makes them any good if they're dealing with this kind of baggage—but kids soak up their parents' vibes like a sponge. If the kid picks up on you being terrified of people, they’re gonna get the signal that they need to be on high alert, too.
In my opinion, anyone dealing with this stuff needs to prioritize therapy before even *thinking* about becoming a parent. Sadly, most people just totally ignore that part.

Look, you can be a fantastic parent or a total disaster—it doesn't depend on anxiety or social phobias. If you give your kid enough love, warmth, and support, you’re doing a great job. But here's the catch—how much love and warmth can you actually pour into them if you're constantly living within your own limitations? Honestly, you probably aren't even giving enough of that love and warmth to yourself.
That person who gave you that opinion—and I sincerely hope you haven't turned it into a core belief—claiming everything is set in stone and nothing can change? They are bad news for you. If that was supposed to be your therapist, my advice is to walk away immediately and find someone else; anyone who believes that simply cannot help you.
From what I've seen, anxiety and social phobia are definitely fixable. They aren't some incurable disease that needs medical treatment—they're just learned behaviors triggered by life experiences. I'd say they're there for a reason—they're your defense mechanisms reacting to things you've gone through.
I really want to encourage you to find a real therapist who can help you break free from that anxiety and those phobias—because once you have your freedom back, you can provide more freedom to your child too. By escaping that "prison," you'll end up loving yourself more—and the more you love yourself, the more love you'll pass on to others, especially your kid.
You claim you can give your child 100% of your love, and I believe you're being honest. But is that truly your absolute limit? Or maybe that 100% could grow even higher if you finally broke through your own internal barriers? Just think about it.
My advice? Deal with this stuff as soon as possible—not because anxiety or phobias will make you a bad mother, but because you're already doubting yourself. You're already convinced you'll be a bad parent and you're living in fear of passing down exactly what you're struggling with right now.
Less limitations means more freedom—more freedom means more choices—and more choices lead to better decisions.

Jason Martin4 said:Hey there everyone!
I’d really love to hear your thoughts and maybe some of your own experiences regarding a situation I’m currently wrestling with, because I could use some perspective.
So, I’m 26 and married, and more than anything, I truly want to have a baby. But what I’m really struggling with—and honestly, it’s been a heavy weight to carry—is my social anxiety and phobia. I wouldn't say I'm depressed, per se, but because of this anxiety, I just don't like leaving the house much at all, especially if I'm by myself, unless it’s absolutely necessary for work or errands. I don't really do the whole going out for coffee or hanging out with friends thing; I mostly just go out with my husband, which feels okay, I guess.
I also tend to be incredibly sensitive, and I often get this overwhelming feeling that when I am out in public, everyone is just staring right at me. But then again, I suppose that's just the social phobia talking.
The part that's really eating at me, though, is this nagging fear that I might not actually be capable of having a child—and I don't just mean the physical part, but the actual raising of them and guiding them through life. Since I'm still dealing with so many of my own internal struggles and uncertainties, I feel like I don't know the first thing about kids. I honestly can't picture how I would be a steady support system or a pillar for a little one. Plus, kids need to go outside and play, and that means I’d have to be out there too, chatting with other parents at the park or being fully present and engaged, and those are the exact situations that trigger my anxiety so much.
I know I could give a child my whole heart and be 100% devoted to them, but I find myself wondering if they would actually be happy, since there are certain things I just can't provide simply because of who I am. I keep asking myself if I can truly be a good mother given everything I'm going through. Even though we are in a really stable place financially right now, I have this deep-seated fear that I won't be a good parent, or that I might accidentally pass my own anxieties down to them, and that's the last thing I ever want to do.
And please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell me that "everything changes once the baby arrives," because I think some things just stay the same, no matter what.
Is there a way through this, or a way to decide what to do?

First off, I think it’s actually great to see someone—especially someone so young—thinking this deeply about the actual needs of a child (socializing, daily requirements, etc.) before jumping into parenthood.

Now, let’s get real. Of course, children sense everything; they absorb it all in their own way. They are essentially mirrors for our emotions. For example, if a guest comes over whom the mother clearly dislikes, the child isn't going to put on a fake smile like the mom does. Instead, the child looks at that person, looks at the parent, and reacts based on the underlying vibe rather than the outward appearance. In other words, they react with crying, tantrums, or bad moods.

And it is precisely because children project back whatever they receive from their parents (insecurity, frustration, sadness, pain) that I believe you should take this as an extra push to continue with psychotherapy. Give yourself enough time to reach a stage where you can confidently say, "Okay, I am functional enough now." And you have plenty of time, since you're only 26.🙂

Shyness and introversion are personality traits, not clinical symptoms used to determine parenting ability. They have absolutely nothing to do with whether or not someone will be a good parent. You don't have to meet every single mom at the playground or be the life of the party. You can just focus entirely on your child and a small circle of people you run into at the local park.

Honestly, I think anyone who contemplates the weight of parenthood this seriously before getting pregnant is very unlikely to be a bad parent.

If someone struggling with mental health is self-aware, wants to fix things, and actually views their issues as problems worth solving... then yeah, I believe they can be a great parent.

Then again... what even defines a "good parent"? That’s a whole different philosophical debate that could go on forever.

I’ve dealt with my own share of OCD, depression, social phobia, and anxiety disorders...
But none of that rubbed off on my kid.
I fought tooth and nail to keep my fears from leaking out whenever it mattered most for my child's well-being.

Now I have a three-year-old who—to be fair—is pretty attached to me... but he's also incredibly social, free-spirited, confident, and totally fearless. He’s just an open book with people. He thrives in group settings.
His preschool teachers have even pointed out how fulfilled he seems, noting that he dives headfirst into everything he does with pure joy.

It was a constant battle to make sure my anxieties didn't pass down to him. It’s tough because kids can sense the stuff you don't even show on the surface.

But I think I did enough to raise a kid who, for all intents and purposes, is genuinely healthy. 🙂

One more thing... raising a child doesn't mean you're done being raised yourself.
Actually, while we're busy raising our kids, we have to be ready to re-parent ourselves. And honestly? Re-parenting yourself is way harder than raising anyone else.
Be ready for that.

Good luck.

Maybe it sounds cliché or overly sentimental... but... don't forget the power of touch.
Make it a point every single day, every hour if you can, to show them how much you love them.
Especially during that first year, physical contact is everything to a baby.
Don't listen to all that nonsense about them "learning to be independent" or "not needing to be held." Let them learn that later. Carry them as much as you possibly can. If you can't carry them, just lie down on the bed with them.

Kiss them often.

I notice some parents try way too hard to perform their love for their kids instead of just feeling it.

Why go through all that effort?...

Don't be afraid to let them know they are your whole world and that you absolutely adore every part of who they are.

That doesn't mean you let them get away with everything.

But kids need to feel, constantly, that their parent sees them and that they truly, deeply matter.

I should also mention that breastfeeding was a huge help for me.
It triggers this massive oxytocin release in the brain, which really helps ward off depression. While I was nursing, my head was just... totally in the clouds. Everything felt light and airy. 😁

Thanks so much for all the responses, I just wanted to let you guys know that I’m definitely reading them all, I'm just rushing around a bit right now...
I guess I'll probably have some more time this evening to sit down and write out a longer explanation for everyone, so thanks a million!

Of course it’s possible, as both of my parents have been in therapy for years now. That doesn't mean they are bad people or somehow incapable of handling life; it simply means they are individuals with specific needs, and as long as those needs are being met, they function perfectly well.
They managed to raise three children without any hiccups—everyone finished college, graduated high school, and landed solid jobs, successfully navigating everything life threw their way without a single issue.

In any relationship, we basically just project whatever baggage we’re carrying inside

And honestly, it's the same story with kids.

In principle, yeah—if the parents are struggling with serious mental health issues, that’s going to bleed into how they raise their children.

That’s why we end up with so many broken people in this world; you can't ignore the fact that parents carry a huge chunk of the blame.

Fear isn't something you're born with—it's something you pick up during childhood.

Just wanted to check in and say hi..
I’ve been working with psychiatrists and psychologists for about nine years now, I guess. Looking at where I am today compared to how things used to be, I feel like I've actually made some pretty big strides, but honestly, it still doesn't feel quite right when I think about the specific reason I started this whole thread. I sometimes wonder if things will ever truly get better, you know? It’s like, I’ve accepted who I am, but then there’s this lingering anxiety about so many different things, which is a whole other struggle entirely.
For a while now, I’ve been talking really openly with a close family friend who happens to be a psychiatrist, and she basically told me what I suspected—that certain parts of these fears and my social anxiety might just always be a part of me. And I suppose she might be right, because even though I’ve moved past so much and achieved a lot, I can see that I’ve hit a bit of a plateau lately. It’s hard to put into words, but I’m somewhat content with my progress because I remember how dark things were before, even if it feels like I'm not moving forward anymore. It's just one of those things, I guess..
Anyway, thanks to everyone for all the encouraging words..🙂

Look, everyone, I think we might be getting a little too carried away with the idea that psychotherapists are miracle workers. Don't get me wrong—it’s incredibly helpful to advise someone struggling with mental health issues to seek professional help. Encouraging them, using kind words, or even helping them vet a high-quality doctor or find the right therapist if we can, is vital. But that isn't a magic wand that solves every single life problem. If someone were battling something like cancer, we wouldn't just tell them, "Go see a doctor," and assume they'll be back to their old, fully functional selves in a few months. If they even make it that far.

So, let's try to offer support in other ways too. Everyone has the right to become a parent. Whether someone is mentally healthy or dealing with psychological struggles, they both face the same heavy doubts when deciding whether to have children. Both groups worry about being good parents in equal measure. For people without these struggles, the questions usually lean toward finances, career timing, or trusting their partner. But for those dealing with mental health issues, the primary fear is often whether their own emotional instability will negatively impact or "pass on" to their child.

I don't have all the answers to these questions. The decision for an aspiring mother is deeply personal, and it's ultimately her call to make. Given the state of the world today, that choice is also a brave one. Maternal instinct tends to uplift any woman—with perhaps the exception of those facing severe psychosis—and children can serve as a powerful catalyst for anyone to grow into a more mature, responsible version of themselves.

No government legislation in the US prohibits people with mental health conditions from parenting, so please don't try to enforce it here with comments like, "Get treated first, then have kids." I've noticed this happening not just in this thread, but in others as well. Every mother deserves selfless support from her partner, her family, her friends, and society at large. No mother should be left to struggle alone—not the one working through her own stability while raising a child, and not the "healthy" one who is constantly chasing a corporate ladder. There are no guarantees about which child will turn out "damaged" or otherwise.

It’s true what ultraoptimism suggested: we bring whatever we carry inside ourselves into our relationships. But we should also allow ourselves the grace to let our children bring beauty into our lives, just as our loved ones and those who believe in us do. At the end of the day, a family is a collective unit, not a single cog in a machine that gets disqualified from parenthood just because it squeaks a little. With the right support from friends and a more positive outlook from society, all our children can grow up to be little engines of love, building a better future for the world.

Jason Martin4, based on your opening post, it's clear you're an incredibly rational, responsible, and kind person. I have zero doubt you'll be an amazing mother. 🙂

placidwolf2 said:Look, everyone, I think we might be getting a little too carried away with the idea that psychotherapists are miracle workers. Don't get me wrong—it’s incredibly helpful to advise someone struggling with mental health issues to seek professional help. Encouraging them, using kind words, or even helping them vet a high-quality doctor or find the right therapist if we can, is vital. But that isn't a magic wand that solves every single life problem. If someone were battling something like cancer, we wouldn't just tell them, "Go see a doctor," and assume they'll be back to their old, fully functional selves in a few months. If they even make it that far.

So, let's try to offer support in other ways too. Everyone has the right to become a parent. Whether someone is mentally healthy or dealing with psychological struggles, they both face the same heavy doubts when deciding whether to have children. Both groups worry about being good parents in equal measure. For people without these struggles, the questions usually lean toward finances, career timing, or trusting their partner. But for those dealing with mental health issues, the primary fear is often whether their own emotional instability will negatively impact or "pass on" to their child.

I don't have all the answers to these questions. The decision for an aspiring mother is deeply personal, and it's ultimately her call to make. Given the state of the world today, that choice is also a brave one. Maternal instinct tends to uplift any woman—with perhaps the exception of those facing severe psychosis—and children can serve as a powerful catalyst for anyone to grow into a more mature, responsible version of themselves.

No government legislation in the US prohibits people with mental health conditions from parenting, so please don't try to enforce it here with comments like, "Get treated first, then have kids." I've noticed this happening not just in this thread, but in others as well. Every mother deserves selfless support from her partner, her family, her friends, and society at large. No mother should be left to struggle alone—not the one working through her own stability while raising a child, and not the "healthy" one who is constantly chasing a corporate ladder. There are no guarantees about which child will turn out "damaged" or otherwise.

It’s true what ultraoptimism suggested: we bring whatever we carry inside ourselves into our relationships. But we should also allow ourselves the grace to let our children bring beauty into our lives, just as our loved ones and those who believe in us do. At the end of the day, a family is a collective unit, not a single cog in a machine that gets disqualified from parenthood just because it squeaks a little. With the right support from friends and a more positive outlook from society, all our children can grow up to be little engines of love, building a better future for the world.

Jason Martin4, based on your opening post, it's clear you're an incredibly rational, responsible, and kind person. I have zero doubt you'll be an amazing mother. 🙂

There are hereditary mental illnesses, like schizophrenia. People with schizophrenia really should think long and hard about whether they want to have children.

granitefalcon26 said:There are hereditary mental illnesses, like schizophrenia. People with schizophrenia really should think long and hard about whether they want to have children.

If you had been paying closer attention, you might have noticed me mentioning "severe psychosis" earlier—I was referring specifically to schizophrenia and the risks involved in parenthood. 😉