Drinking, relationships, and anxiety

He told me straight up that he isn't interested in a girl who doesn't drink. My response was simple—I have zero interest in dating an alcoholic. And just like that, my first real relationship ended. On paper, we were perfect... everything else worked so well. I can share more details if anyone is interested, but what I really want to hear the consensus on is this: who do you think actually has the deeper psychological issue here? Is it me, because I feel a genuine sense of dread and revulsion toward alcohol—or is it him, someone who drinks until he blacks out, gets behind the wheel intoxicated, and misses his responsibilities the next morning because he's too hungover?
People used to tell me I’d never find anyone if I didn't start drinking. I don't take them literally, of course, but... honestly, how much do you think my dating prospects are being hindered by my sobriety?

...I mean, what chances are actually at stake here? From who? Some alcoholic isn't going to come after you... honestly, it’s fine. It's actually better if they don't. Not a single one of them will. I mean, what could any drunk ever actually contribute to your life anyway?
...You should really just count your blessings that they're staying away... 🙂

Don’t listen to those people claiming you won't find anyone just because you don't drink. As far as sex goes—your chances aren't exactly under threat. I mean, what is it with that guy being such a total alcoholic anyway?

Alcoholism itself is the massive issue here—it’s not about being afraid of alcohol, per se...
You’ll find someone eventually, really. For instance, I’d love nothing more than to be with a woman in the future who doesn't drink at all... so, my advice is just to distance yourself from those people doing the wrong things...
And honestly, I don't see how sexuality even plays into the whole alcohol equation? Personally, the idea of touching some drunk mess is just repulsive to me...
Just keep doing what you're doing, and you'll find someone normal.

I can totally hear you saying that guys only want girls who don't drink. I think you might be overthinking it a bit, though. There are plenty of great people out there for you, including guys who don't drink at all or just take things easy. Honestly, this loser wouldn't be interested anyway, believe me. Personally, I wouldn't want to date someone who feels the need to get trashed every single time we go out.

I can't really answer that without knowing what you actually mean by alcoholism. Feeling pure disgust and fear? That doesn't sound exactly "normal" to me.🤷 You could choose not to drink, hate the idea of drinking, or just stick to people who don't touch the stuff... but this reaction seems a bit much.

Would you feel the same if he just had a drink every now and then? Where do you draw the line here? Is even a single glass of wine off the table?
Is this whole disgust/fear thing a blanket stance against alcohol itself, or is it specifically about him overdoing it?
Have you dealt with some messy situations with alcoholics in the past?

Honestly, you both have issues here. That visceral disgust you feel toward even a single drop of alcohol usually stems from some kind of trauma—most often growing up in a house with an alcoholic. You can either deal with that baggage (which would be great, if only for your own sanity), or just find someone who doesn't touch the stuff at all.

As for him, he’s got a problem because he’s either already an alcoholic or he’s fast-tracking his way to becoming one.
And somehow, it’s almost a cliché how people who grew up around alcohol tend to end up dating people exactly like that.
I’m just guessing here, since I don't know the specifics of why you're feeling this repulsion and fear toward booze, but that's pretty much the most common root cause.

Having a drink once in a while is fine, but if you can't actually have fun without getting absolutely trashed, you're looking at a straight shot toward alcoholism.

restlessscout5 said:Don’t listen to those people claiming you won't find anyone just because you don't drink. As far as sex goes—your chances aren't exactly under threat. I mean, what is it with that guy being such a total alcoholic anyway?

I find myself wondering... where exactly does the line get drawn when it comes to being an alcoholic? What defines that threshold... 🤷 He claims he can go months without a drink if he doesn't have anyone to drink with—he says he rarely drinks alone, though I did catch him once... he tried to justify it by saying he had no one to watch the game with. His rule is that he only drinks out with friends, and even then, it’s no more than once a week unless there's a special occasion. Otherwise, it's just a light beer or a glass of wine with lunch. However, during his last two outings, he managed to knock back four shots of whiskey and several beers in under four hours. He didn't vomit—at least not that I saw—and he wasn't aggressive or making a scene, but in my opinion, he was visibly drunk. What worries me most isn't even the drinking itself, but the fact that he doesn't think to drink any water in this heat—and then, an hour later, he gets behind the wheel...

Jeffrey Hill39 said:Alcoholism itself is the massive issue here—it’s not about being afraid of alcohol, per se...
You’ll find someone eventually, really. For instance, I’d love nothing more than to be with a woman in the future who doesn't drink at all... so, my advice is just to distance yourself from those people doing the wrong things...
And honestly, I don't see how sexuality even plays into the whole alcohol equation? Personally, the idea of touching some drunk mess is just repulsive to me...
Just keep doing what you're doing, and you'll find someone normal.

People usually tell me that alcohol lowers your inhibitions—that it makes it easier to approach someone when you're drinking. And also... Places to look... In clubs... it's pretty much expected that everyone is drinking—and honestly, it’s hard to have any fun when you're sober—though I can't tell if that's just because I'm staying dry... It feels gross when some drunk person approaches me just to suggest that I'd actually enjoy myself more if I'd just had a drink too.

James Martin4 said:I can totally hear you saying that guys only want girls who don't drink. I think you might be overthinking it a bit, though. There are plenty of great people out there for you, including guys who don't drink at all or just take things easy. Honestly, this loser wouldn't be interested anyway, believe me. Personally, I wouldn't want to date someone who feels the need to get trashed every single time we go out.

He doesn't need to get drunk every single time—it isn't about that—but drinking is a significant part of his life. And honestly, my whole family tells me the exact same thing... 🙂

Edward Murphy4 said:I can't really answer that without knowing what you actually mean by alcoholism. Feeling pure disgust and fear? That doesn't sound exactly "normal" to me.🤷 You could choose not to drink, hate the idea of drinking, or just stick to people who don't touch the stuff... but this reaction seems a bit much.

Would you feel the same if he just had a drink every now and then? Where do you draw the line here? Is even a single glass of wine off the table?
Is this whole disgust/fear thing a blanket stance against alcohol itself, or is it specifically about him overdoing it?
Have you dealt with some messy situations with alcoholics in the past?

I realized early on in our friendship that he drank occasionally, and I didn't mind at first—I assumed it was just those few beers he’d have in front of me. A glass of wine is fine... enjoying a bit of wine or beer as part of a meal is acceptable (if that's someone's preference—it isn't mine, but it's like how some people enjoy Coca-Cola while others don't), provided it doesn't affect his behavior, or that he doesn't smell of alcohol when we're close...

Edward Murphy4 said:I can't really answer that without knowing what you actually mean by alcoholism. Feeling pure disgust and fear? That doesn't sound exactly "normal" to me.🤷 You could choose not to drink, hate the idea of drinking, or just stick to people who don't touch the stuff... but this reaction seems a bit much.

Would you feel the same if he just had a drink every now and then? Where do you draw the line here? Is even a single glass of wine off the table?
Is this whole disgust/fear thing a blanket stance against alcohol itself, or is it specifically about him overdoing it?
Have you dealt with some messy situations with alcoholics in the past?

Most alcoholic drinks have a repulsive scent to me—though the scent of pure ethanol itself isn't offensive—but anything I've tried with a noticeable alcohol content tastes so foul that I can't even manage a single sip. It burns... like my mouth is on fire. As for other people, seeing them drink scares me—I find such people repulsive only when they overdo it, because I worry they might start acting irrationally or dangerously.

Edward Murphy4 said:I can't really answer that without knowing what you actually mean by alcoholism. Feeling pure disgust and fear? That doesn't sound exactly "normal" to me.🤷 You could choose not to drink, hate the idea of drinking, or just stick to people who don't touch the stuff... but this reaction seems a bit much.

Would you feel the same if he just had a drink every now and then? Where do you draw the line here? Is even a single glass of wine off the table?
Is this whole disgust/fear thing a blanket stance against alcohol itself, or is it specifically about him overdoing it?
Have you dealt with some messy situations with alcoholics in the past?

No. I don't have any alcoholics in my immediate family, and I haven't had much contact with drunk people. My worst experiences were just some nonsense from high school prom night—one guy drinking water out of a Toilet, a girl falling down the stairs and spraining her ankle—but that's trivial...

boldwalker12 said:Honestly, you both have issues here. That visceral disgust you feel toward even a single drop of alcohol usually stems from some kind of trauma—most often growing up in a house with an alcoholic. You can either deal with that baggage (which would be great, if only for your own sanity), or just find someone who doesn't touch the stuff at all.

As for him, he’s got a problem because he’s either already an alcoholic or he’s fast-tracking his way to becoming one.
And somehow, it’s almost a cliché how people who grew up around alcohol tend to end up dating people exactly like that.
I’m just guessing here, since I don't know the specifics of why you're feeling this repulsion and fear toward booze, but that's pretty much the most common root cause.

Having a drink once in a while is fine, but if you can't actually have fun without getting absolutely trashed, you're looking at a straight shot toward alcoholism.

I know that's the most common reason, but I didn't grow up with an alcoholic. Perhaps it's hereditary—my mother finds alcohol just as repulsive as I do—but the rest of my family drinks very infrequently and in moderation...

Paul Fox said:He told me straight up that he isn't interested in a girl who doesn't drink. My response was simple—I have zero interest in dating an alcoholic. And just like that, my first real relationship ended. On paper, we were perfect... everything else worked so well. I can share more details if anyone is interested, but what I really want to hear the consensus on is this: who do you think actually has the deeper psychological issue here? Is it me, because I feel a genuine sense of dread and revulsion toward alcohol—or is it him, someone who drinks until he blacks out, gets behind the wheel intoxicated, and misses his responsibilities the next morning because he's too hungover?
People used to tell me I’d never find anyone if I didn't start drinking. I don't take them literally, of course, but... honestly, how much do you think my dating prospects are being hindered by my sobriety?

They usually tell me alcohol lowers inhibitions, so if I drank, it might be easier to approach someone. Plus, at social hubs (like clubs...), drinking is the norm, and being sober just isn't fun for me there—though I wonder if that's just because I'm sober. It's also gross when someone approaches me while they're wasted, and then they suggest it wouldn't be so bad if I just had a drink too.

I don't drink at all, not even on holidays (Christmas, Easter, birthdays, weddings, etc.), and I can tell you that your chances of meeting someone—or them meeting you—are perfectly fine without it. People don't just find partners at nightclubs. In fact, it seems to me those make up a much smaller crowd. Something else might be the limiting factor. I'll touch on that in the next quote:

I don't know where the line is for being an alcoholic. 🤷 He claims he can go months without it if he doesn't have company, that he generally doesn't drink alone (though I caught him once, and he made excuses about needing company to watch a game), and that he mostly drinks out socially, no more than once a week unless it's a special occasion, otherwise just a light beer or glass of wine with dinner. But during his last two outings, he had four shots and several beers in less than four hours. He didn't vomit (as far as I know) and wasn't violent or making scenes, but in my opinion, he was visibly drunk. My biggest concern is that he doesn't even think to drink water in this heat, and then sits behind the wheel an hour later.

You mention being okay with a glass of wine after dinner, but based on what you wrote about your boyfriend's "moderate" drinking (not getting wasted, which is different), it doesn't seem that way to me. Phrases like "I caught him" or "he made excuses" aren't really how I'd describe something I'm totally comfortable with, but I just don't partake. Actually, that isn't even the issue; the real risk is that by having to call people out for having a glass of wine or enjoying a beer during a game, you might drive people away until you're left only with absolute abstainers. That's quite rare, and you should keep that in mind.

And just to comment on your boyfriend—it's a massive problem that he gets behind the wheel while intoxicated. Not just for him, but for everyone else on the road.

Maybe it's genetic; my mother finds alcohol just as repulsive as I do, while the rest of the family drinks very occasionally and in moderation.

I'd say you might have just picked up those habits from your mom and made them your own. That would explain the aversion... As for the taste and smell being unpleasant, that’s pretty standard since it isn't part of your diet. Even after all these years of staying sober, I still find the taste off-putting sometimes...

Michelle Evans said:

They usually tell me alcohol lowers inhibitions, so if I drank, it might be easier to approach someone. Plus, at social hubs (like clubs...), drinking is the norm, and being sober just isn't fun for me there—though I wonder if that's just because I'm sober. It's also gross when someone approaches me while they're wasted, and then they suggest it wouldn't be so bad if I just had a drink too.

I don't drink at all, not even on holidays (Christmas, Easter, birthdays, weddings, etc.), and I can tell you that your chances of meeting someone—or them meeting you—are perfectly fine without it. People don't just find partners at nightclubs. In fact, it seems to me those make up a much smaller crowd. Something else might be the limiting factor. I'll touch on that in the next quote:

I don't know where the line is for being an alcoholic. 🤷 He claims he can go months without it if he doesn't have company, that he generally doesn't drink alone (though I caught him once, and he made excuses about needing company to watch a game), and that he mostly drinks out socially, no more than once a week unless it's a special occasion, otherwise just a light beer or glass of wine with dinner. But during his last two outings, he had four shots and several beers in less than four hours. He didn't vomit (as far as I know) and wasn't violent or making scenes, but in my opinion, he was visibly drunk. My biggest concern is that he doesn't even think to drink water in this heat, and then sits behind the wheel an hour later.

You mention being okay with a glass of wine after dinner, but based on what you wrote about your boyfriend's "moderate" drinking (not getting wasted, which is different), it doesn't seem that way to me. Phrases like "I caught him" or "he made excuses" aren't really how I'd describe something I'm totally comfortable with, but I just don't partake. Actually, that isn't even the issue; the real risk is that by having to call people out for having a glass of wine or enjoying a beer during a game, you might drive people away until you're left only with absolute abstainers. That's quite rare, and you should keep that in mind.

And just to comment on your boyfriend—it's a massive problem that he gets behind the wheel while intoxicated. Not just for him, but for everyone else on the road.

Maybe it's genetic; my mother finds alcohol just as repulsive as I do, while the rest of the family drinks very occasionally and in moderation.

I'd say you might have just picked up those habits from your mom and made them your own. That would explain the aversion... As for the taste and smell being unpleasant, that’s pretty standard since it isn't part of your diet. Even after all these years of staying sober, I still find the taste off-putting sometimes...

I used those terms because it wasn't just one beer—it was three strong ones during the game—and based on his behavior and his own admission, he was definitely drunk... 🤷

Michelle Evans said:

They usually tell me alcohol lowers inhibitions, so if I drank, it might be easier to approach someone. Plus, at social hubs (like clubs...), drinking is the norm, and being sober just isn't fun for me there—though I wonder if that's just because I'm sober. It's also gross when someone approaches me while they're wasted, and then they suggest it wouldn't be so bad if I just had a drink too.

I don't drink at all, not even on holidays (Christmas, Easter, birthdays, weddings, etc.), and I can tell you that your chances of meeting someone—or them meeting you—are perfectly fine without it. People don't just find partners at nightclubs. In fact, it seems to me those make up a much smaller crowd. Something else might be the limiting factor. I'll touch on that in the next quote:

I don't know where the line is for being an alcoholic. 🤷 He claims he can go months without it if he doesn't have company, that he generally doesn't drink alone (though I caught him once, and he made excuses about needing company to watch a game), and that he mostly drinks out socially, no more than once a week unless it's a special occasion, otherwise just a light beer or glass of wine with dinner. But during his last two outings, he had four shots and several beers in less than four hours. He didn't vomit (as far as I know) and wasn't violent or making scenes, but in my opinion, he was visibly drunk. My biggest concern is that he doesn't even think to drink water in this heat, and then sits behind the wheel an hour later.

You mention being okay with a glass of wine after dinner, but based on what you wrote about your boyfriend's "moderate" drinking (not getting wasted, which is different), it doesn't seem that way to me. Phrases like "I caught him" or "he made excuses" aren't really how I'd describe something I'm totally comfortable with, but I just don't partake. Actually, that isn't even the issue; the real risk is that by having to call people out for having a glass of wine or enjoying a beer during a game, you might drive people away until you're left only with absolute abstainers. That's quite rare, and you should keep that in mind.

And just to comment on your boyfriend—it's a massive problem that he gets behind the wheel while intoxicated. Not just for him, but for everyone else on the road.

Maybe it's genetic; my mother finds alcohol just as repulsive as I do, while the rest of the family drinks very occasionally and in moderation.

I'd say you might have just picked up those habits from your mom and made them your own. That would explain the aversion... As for the taste and smell being unpleasant, that’s pretty standard since it isn't part of your diet. Even after all these years of staying sober, I still find the taste off-putting sometimes...

I agree that this is a genuine issue—especially since he doesn't even see it as one... 😢 An ex-boyfriend... 😢

Michelle Evans said:

They usually tell me alcohol lowers inhibitions, so if I drank, it might be easier to approach someone. Plus, at social hubs (like clubs...), drinking is the norm, and being sober just isn't fun for me there—though I wonder if that's just because I'm sober. It's also gross when someone approaches me while they're wasted, and then they suggest it wouldn't be so bad if I just had a drink too.

I don't drink at all, not even on holidays (Christmas, Easter, birthdays, weddings, etc.), and I can tell you that your chances of meeting someone—or them meeting you—are perfectly fine without it. People don't just find partners at nightclubs. In fact, it seems to me those make up a much smaller crowd. Something else might be the limiting factor. I'll touch on that in the next quote:

I don't know where the line is for being an alcoholic. 🤷 He claims he can go months without it if he doesn't have company, that he generally doesn't drink alone (though I caught him once, and he made excuses about needing company to watch a game), and that he mostly drinks out socially, no more than once a week unless it's a special occasion, otherwise just a light beer or glass of wine with dinner. But during his last two outings, he had four shots and several beers in less than four hours. He didn't vomit (as far as I know) and wasn't violent or making scenes, but in my opinion, he was visibly drunk. My biggest concern is that he doesn't even think to drink water in this heat, and then sits behind the wheel an hour later.

You mention being okay with a glass of wine after dinner, but based on what you wrote about your boyfriend's "moderate" drinking (not getting wasted, which is different), it doesn't seem that way to me. Phrases like "I caught him" or "he made excuses" aren't really how I'd describe something I'm totally comfortable with, but I just don't partake. Actually, that isn't even the issue; the real risk is that by having to call people out for having a glass of wine or enjoying a beer during a game, you might drive people away until you're left only with absolute abstainers. That's quite rare, and you should keep that in mind.

And just to comment on your boyfriend—it's a massive problem that he gets behind the wheel while intoxicated. Not just for him, but for everyone else on the road.

Maybe it's genetic; my mother finds alcohol just as repulsive as I do, while the rest of the family drinks very occasionally and in moderation.

I'd say you might have just picked up those habits from your mom and made them your own. That would explain the aversion... As for the taste and smell being unpleasant, that’s pretty standard since it isn't part of your diet. Even after all these years of staying sober, I still find the taste off-putting sometimes...

It’s possible—though I didn't exactly inherit her taste in food or her general lifestyle. Personally, I find quite a lot of what most people seem to enjoy quite off-putting... things like cigarettes, coffee, soda, or heavy greasy dishes like brisket... Not everything that isn't healthy, necessarily, but certainly a lot... 😁 I wouldn't say I'm avoiding sweets—on the contrary...

Paul Fox said:I used those terms because it wasn't just one beer—it was three strong ones during the game—and based on his behavior and his own admission, he was definitely drunk... 🤷

I agree that this is a genuine issue—especially since he doesn't even see it as one... 😢 An ex-boyfriend... 😢

It’s possible—though I didn't exactly inherit her taste in food or her general lifestyle. Personally, I find quite a lot of what most people seem to enjoy quite off-putting... things like cigarettes, coffee, soda, or heavy greasy dishes like brisket... Not everything that isn't healthy, necessarily, but certainly a lot... 😁 I wouldn't say I'm avoiding sweets—on the contrary...

I see. It wasn't clear at first. You mentioned afterward that you usually just have a glass of wine or a light beer, so I realized that was a different kind of situation...

It's possible, though I didn't really pick up her tastes in food or her lifestyle...

That's not to say it's definitely true, but it's certainly something to consider.
I was actually referring to emotions—like aversion or fear—toward alcohol, rather than just taste buds. That isn't something passed down through genetics. There are rare evolutionary exceptions, but alcohol doesn't fall into that category. It's more about learned behavior... things picked up from personal experience or observing others. Since you mentioned you haven't had any bad experiences yourself, and your mom shares that same attitude, my conclusion seemed logical...

Well, thanks for the answers and the votes in the poll—you’ve essentially just confirmed what I’ve heard elsewhere and what I already suspected myself. Feel free to lock this, delete it, or move it to the general discussion thread on addiction... whatever works.

It looks like this was really just a "soft landing" into a relationship between two inexperienced kids—even if we were technically in our twenties—prompted by the opinions of others who didn't have a clue. We made the foolish assumption that being compatible as friends meant we were compatible as partners... though we eventually learned that romantic compatibility requires much stricter criteria. I am simply not built for drinking, whereas he can't function without it; we aren't a match on that level, nor on many others.

So, my takeaways:
1. Don't jump into a relationship just because everyone else thinks it's a good idea.
2. Don't enter a relationship out of boredom!
3. Just because you worked perfectly as friends doesn't mean you will as a couple.
4. To infinity and beyond: Don't get involved with an alcoholic...