Dealing with depression and relationship issues

Arthur Barnes said:So you think we can actually control who we fall for or how much? Lol.

That’s definitely one way to look at it. Needs testing though...

Because I don't see a pattern here—it's not like he's been in five different relationships where he ALWAYS feels like he isn't in love enough, it's just this one. Let's not jump to conclusions. It's just as possible that she simply doesn't have that "something" he needs... something he might find with someone else.

Back in the day, I only had one relationship about five years ago, and it lasted maybe six months. I wasn't head over heels or anything, but it was good, and I really wanted it to work. Then she dumped me because she just wasn't feeling it anymore. She actually warned me right from the start that she wasn't that crazy about me and wasn't sure if we'd last. By the end, I was pretty crushed and totally lost on what the difference even was between love and just being infatuated...

I think you might be overthinking this a bit. I don't want to sound like I'm fear-mongering, but there is actually a specific thing called Relationship OCD (ROCD). It’s a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder where someone constantly second-guesses their partnership—questioning if they're truly in love, if the connection is genuine, or if they care enough. If you can rule out ROCD, then you might just be stuck in your own head. My advice? Try to take a breath, let go of the analysis, and just enjoy being with her. It sounds like you might just be a little spooked by how serious things are getting.

Are you suggesting we can actually control who we love or how much we feel it? That's laughable.

I fail to see the humor here.🤷
I am discussing this in relation to his specific issues and his tendency to treat romance like a math equation. If we are forced to deal in percentages, logic dictates it is preferable to be the one receiving more affection. Is that not the case?🤔

Regarding your question, love moves through distinct stages. Once the initial "honeymoon phase" fades, one gains a different, more rational perspective. There is nothing inherently wrong with that. 😉

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driftinggull21 says: I don't see what the joke is.🤷 I'm just looking at his situation and how he keeps trying to turn love into some math equation. If we have to talk percentages, wouldn't it be better to be the one who's loved more? Right?🤔

It just doesn't match reality. Because if it did, I bet way more girls would choose to fall for a close friend they've known for years over some random jerk who gave them a certain look.😉

And honestly, whether you're the one loved more isn't really the point of his problem or this whole debate... since you can't control feelings anyway.

Arthur Barnes said:Quote:>

driftinggull21 says: I don't see what the joke is.🤷 I'm just looking at his situation and how he keeps trying to turn love into some math equation. If we have to talk percentages, wouldn't it be better to be the one who's loved more? Right?🤔

It just doesn't match reality. Because if it did, I bet way more girls would choose to fall for a close friend they've known for years over some random jerk who gave them a certain look.😉

And honestly, whether you're the one loved more isn't really the point of his problem or this whole debate... since you can't control feelings anyway.

Look, nothing is ever perfect. There's always going to be something lacking in a partner. Since I struggle with depression, I have to wonder: am I chasing some impossible standard of perfection that doesn't exist? Am I setting myself up to spend my whole life alone and miserable because I can't let things go? Maybe I'm just being too picky and asking for the moon, I don't know... For now, everything in my current relationship is actually wonderful, and my wife is incredible...

silentcobra14 said:Look, nothing is ever perfect. There's always going to be something lacking in a partner. Since I struggle with depression, I have to wonder: am I chasing some impossible standard of perfection that doesn't exist? Am I setting myself up to spend my whole life alone and miserable because I can't let things go? Maybe I'm just being too picky and asking for the moon, I don't know... For now, everything in my current relationship is actually wonderful, and my wife is incredible...

Start with yourself.😁 If you were perfect, then you'd have the right to demand perfection from a woman. Since you aren't, stop making waves. 😛

silentcobra14 said:Look, I know how I feel. It’s just that damn percentage—trying to figure out who’s more invested in whom. As stupid as that sounds, I know it's irrational. That's why I'm choosing to wait. I'm not making any impulsive moves because I refuse to screw up this relationship, which honestly, is the best thing that's ever happened to me...

Maybe try being alone for a bit to see if you actually miss them or not. 🤷

@ driftinggull21, I don't think he was really aiming for perfection or anything.

I mean, you either love someone or you don't. How can you love them halfway? 😕

And regarding that question you had earlier—once the rose-colored glasses come off, he should probably love her more, not less, I guess. 🤷

I’ve fallen seriously hard for her over these last three months. Just the thought of us calling it quits leaves me feeling completely gutted...

I don't know, man. I feel like an idiot sometimes. I hate myself for it, and honestly? My confidence is at rock bottom right now.

silentcobra14 said:Look, nothing is ever perfect. There's always going to be something lacking in a partner. Since I struggle with depression, I have to wonder: am I chasing some impossible standard of perfection that doesn't exist? Am I setting myself up to spend my whole life alone and miserable because I can't let things go? Maybe I'm just being too picky and asking for the moon, I don't know... For now, everything in my current relationship is actually wonderful, and my wife is incredible...

Maybe. I don't know, I don't really know you. And honestly, even if I did, would it even matter?

It's possible, but that's something you have to figure out on your own...

hiddenhawk3 said:Maybe try being alone for a bit to see if you actually miss them or not. 🤷

@ driftinggull21, I don't think he was really aiming for perfection or anything.

I mean, you either love someone or you don't. How can you love them halfway? 😕

And regarding that question you had earlier—once the rose-colored glasses come off, he should probably love her more, not less, I guess. 🤷

I consider myself a realist, so I look at things this way: if we expect more from a partner than they are actually capable of giving, is that truly love, or just some imitation of it? 🤷
When you love someone, you accept the whole package, even the parts that are difficult or annoying.
I've seen plenty of different versions of "love" in my time. 😁

silentcobra14 said:Look, nothing is ever perfect. There's always going to be something lacking in a partner. Since I struggle with depression, I have to wonder: am I chasing some impossible standard of perfection that doesn't exist? Am I setting myself up to spend my whole life alone and miserable because I can't let things go? Maybe I'm just being too picky and asking for the moon, I don't know... For now, everything in my current relationship is actually wonderful, and my wife is incredible...

well, if you're that happy, then congrats, I guess.

maybe take those childhood issues up with a therapist.

@Arthur Barnes, not every girl has a childhood best friend they could actually fall for.

but honestly, most of the time it's true because platonic friendships between men and women barely exist anyway.

🤷

hiddenhawk3 said:well, if you're that happy, then congrats, I guess.

maybe take those childhood issues up with a therapist.

@Arthur Barnes, not every girl has a childhood best friend they could actually fall for.

but honestly, most of the time it's true because platonic friendships between men and women barely exist anyway.

🤷

I didn't say it had to be someone from childhood. You meet people along the way, and over a few years, they turn out to be absolutely amazing. And if they love you, wouldn't it be incredible if we could just choose to love them back? But we can't. It either happens or it doesn't.

If it's only halfway there, I think that's just settling... or desperation... or just craving closeness.

Arthur Barnes said:I didn't say it had to be someone from childhood. You meet people along the way, and over a few years, they turn out to be absolutely amazing. And if they love you, wouldn't it be incredible if we could just choose to love them back? But we can't. It either happens or it doesn't.

If it's only halfway there, I think that's just settling... or desperation... or just craving closeness.

Well, how are you even supposed to measure "halfway"? 🤷

It might happen, I suppose, if you're reading some author where things aren't certain, or if one side always ends up loving more. 🤷😁

...I’m starting to wonder if I’m just spiraling again. It’s happened before with my health. I had some gut issues once—nothing major, really a tiny chance it was anything serious—but my brain immediately went straight to: "Oh no, it's colon cancer, I'm a dead man." Turns out, I was fine. Or one time I had unprotected sex and spent the entire time convinced I had HIV, even though the test came back totally negative...

It’s like my brain is wired to make me suffer. I don't get it sometimes. This might be happening again because part of me feels like maybe I'm not actually in love in this relationship, but at the exact same time, I'm counting down the minutes until I see her. I miss her. It's like there's some demon inside me that refuses to let me finally be happy...

I don't know. I'm going to grab a drink and talk it out with a friend, then give myself some space to figure out if I'm just overthinking everything or if this relationship really isn't right for me...

Anyway, thanks for all the replies. You guys have been a huge help, truly kind, and I wish you nothing but the best.

Best,

hiddenhawk3 said:Well, how are you even supposed to measure "halfway"? 🤷

It might happen, I suppose, if you're reading some author where things aren't certain, or if one side always ends up loving more. 🤷😁

That's exactly what I meant.

silentcobra14 said:...I’m starting to wonder if I’m just spiraling again. It’s happened before with my health. I had some gut issues once—nothing major, really a tiny chance it was anything serious—but my brain immediately went straight to: "Oh no, it's colon cancer, I'm a dead man." Turns out, I was fine. Or one time I had unprotected sex and spent the entire time convinced I had HIV, even though the test came back totally negative...

It’s like my brain is wired to make me suffer. I don't get it sometimes. This might be happening again because part of me feels like maybe I'm not actually in love in this relationship, but at the exact same time, I'm counting down the minutes until I see her. I miss her. It's like there's some demon inside me that refuses to let me finally be happy...

I don't know. I'm going to grab a drink and talk it out with a friend, then give myself some space to figure out if I'm just overthinking everything or if this relationship really isn't right for me...

Anyway, thanks for all the replies. You guys have been a huge help, truly kind, and I wish you nothing but the best.

Best,

well, if that's what you need, then that's that 😍

good luck

silentcobra14 said:Hey everyone. 🙂

I'm 27. I've dealt with depression on and off my whole life. My childhood was pretty rough—lots of violence and abuse—and yeah, that left its mark on me.

Right now, I've got this specific issue weighing on me...

I’ve been seeing this amazing girl for about two or three months. Honestly, I'm incredibly happy with her, but some things are eating at me. She fell hard for me while she was still in a long-term relationship with someone else. She didn't cheat on him; she just confessed her feelings, they ended things, and then we started dating. At first, I wasn't sure if I should get involved because she meant so much to me as a friend and I didn't want to wreck her life, but eventually, I fell for her too. I couldn't stay away, so here we are.

Everything seems great on the surface. We hang out constantly, we talk all the time, the chemistry is incredible, and the sex has been the best I've ever had...

But lately, I've been hit with this massive wave of guilt, and it's triggering that depression I struggle with.

The guilt comes from the fact that she seems way more head-over-heels for me than I am for her. Look, I've been in love before, and it usually ends badly. Those past feelings felt much more intense than what I'm feeling right now. That's why I'm so confused.

I can't tell if this is just my depression acting up or something else entirely. In the past, I've spiraled into thinking I had some terminal illness or a brain tumor—stupid stuff like that. I'd get depressed over it even though a part of me knew I was being irrational.

Sometimes it feels like my body is actually craving the depression. It's like I subconsciously seek out dark thoughts, and once I start, I can't stop.

Things are perfect when she's around, but the second she leaves, I start questioning if I'm actually in love. I know I am, but then the doubt creeps in: Am I enough for her?
She walked away from her previous life for me, and now I'm just sitting here feeling insecure and lost. Just last week, I was spiraling, wondering if she still loved her ex or if she'd go back to him. It's exhausting. Even if everything I'm saying is true, it shouldn't be this hard. I'm feeling so low that I'm actually considering seeing a psychiatrist and starting medication.

Look... I know this sounds pathetic and probably gives some of you a headache to read, but if anyone has any real advice, I'm all ears.

Thanks. 🙂

It sounds to me like you're just terrified of letting go and actually enjoying yourself. You're waiting for the other shoe to drop because you think disaster always follows happiness.
This might actually be your first healthy relationship, and you're struggling because there isn't any high-stakes drama to feed the cycle of being a victim in every romance you have.

Honestly, you come across to me like someone who just wants to wallow in the dark—someone trying to stay stuck in those worst-case scenarios and bottom-of-the-barrel mindsets. I think it’s because when things actually go south or someone lets you down, the sting is way easier to handle if you were already expecting the worst. If you’ve spent all your time being pessimistic or depressed, the blow doesn't hit as hard. But if you're actually living life—if you're relaxed, excited, happy, and feeling fulfilled—then that disappointment? It hits ten times harder. It’s much more painful when you actually had something to lose...
I don't know, this feels like a defense mechanism against "Good heavens, if I have it, then I can't," though obviously, I'm talking about finding happiness in life here, not hunting game.

crimsoncanyon2 said:Honestly, you come across to me like someone who just wants to wallow in the dark—someone trying to stay stuck in those worst-case scenarios and bottom-of-the-barrel mindsets. I think it’s because when things actually go south or someone lets you down, the sting is way easier to handle if you were already expecting the worst. If you’ve spent all your time being pessimistic or depressed, the blow doesn't hit as hard. But if you're actually living life—if you're relaxed, excited, happy, and feeling fulfilled—then that disappointment? It hits ten times harder. It’s much more painful when you actually had something to lose...
I don't know, this feels like a defense mechanism against "Good heavens, if I have it, then I can't," though obviously, I'm talking about finding happiness in life here, not hunting game.

not like that's going to save him from the hits life inevitably throws his way...