What now?!

I find myself circling back to the idea of death quite often—as if it’s the only logical exit strategy left for my current situation. I used to be a relentless optimist, truly, right up until things started sliding downhill a few years ago. Now, it feels like I’ve just reached my limit with everything; part of me thinks it might be time to simply depart, though—to be perfectly blunt—I lack the courage to actually follow through on that. Even as I write this, there’s this massive weight, like a heavy stone pressing against my chest and throat, making it hard to breathe... I’m living a life that doesn't belong to me, yet I can't find the strength to change any of it because I refuse to cause pain to the people in my life.
Any advice would be appreciated.

What exactly caused you to lose your sense of optimism?

David Watson8 said:I find myself circling back to the idea of death quite often—as if it’s the only logical exit strategy left for my current situation. I used to be a relentless optimist, truly, right up until things started sliding downhill a few years ago. Now, it feels like I’ve just reached my limit with everything; part of me thinks it might be time to simply depart, though—to be perfectly blunt—I lack the courage to actually follow through on that. Even as I write this, there’s this massive weight, like a heavy stone pressing against my chest and throat, making it hard to breathe... I’m living a life that doesn't belong to me, yet I can't find the strength to change any of it because I refuse to cause pain to the people in my life.
Any advice would be appreciated.

Come on, talk to me, what’s actually the absolute worst-case scenario for YOU if you decide to live by your own rules, your own mindset, and your own decisions—even if those people get hurt?
🙂

Jacob Mitchell3 said:What exactly caused you to lose your sense of optimism?

To put it bluntly—using a bit of folksy wisdom—it’s been anything but smooth sailing. Life has essentially slapped me in the face a few too many times, and frankly, I’m just done with it all.

I struggle to see any real point in going through the motions. Right now, my job exists solely to cover the bills—that’s it. Even though I bring in a very solid income, I’m the only one in the house actually working. Despite that, I can't afford a single luxury—not even the small things. I can't go to the movies, for instance; the last time I went on a vacation was back in 2005.

When I get home, there isn't a shred of relief waiting for me. My husband stays buried in his hobbies, so the second I walk through the door, the housework starts—laundry, cooking, the whole routine.

We haven't shared a bed in nearly two years. He isn't working, nor is he making any real effort to find a job. Part of me feels almost encouraged to... well, let's say pursue an affair with a manager or someone in a position of authority if it meant bringing more money into the household. But then again, he’s made it quite clear that if I were to step out with some random guy, he’d kill me.

I’m stuck in this limbo where I don't know what to think, and the clock is ticking—we're both in our mid-40s.

rustynomad12 said:Come on, talk to me, what’s actually the absolute worst-case scenario for YOU if you decide to live by your own rules, your own mindset, and your own decisions—even if those people get hurt?
🙂

It's about my husband—he basically told me to just get lost and never speak to him again, suggested I go live under a bridge or something along those lines. I even offered to walk away from everything—leaving him the house and all our belongings behind—just so I could leave, but he won't accept it.

As I'm typing this out, I can't stop the tears. 🙂

I’m genuinely worried about how he’s going to manage—his income is pretty limited since he isn't working, and frankly, he doesn't seem particularly motivated to find a job or stay in our house. If I decide to leave—and I’m still trying to figure out why, though perhaps it's because he sees how much this is taking a toll on me—everything changes. I just feel completely lost and overwhelmed right now.

Okay, look, I think you might be a little lost here...
The way you laid everything out was super confusing, so let me try to break it down and simplify things—please jump in and correct me if I've got this wrong:

You’re working hard, making good money, but you’ve got a husband who basically ignores you. He’s just living in his own little world and won't lift a finger to help with the grind. He even gives you this "encouragement" to sleep with other people just to bring in more cash, and then he acts all offended if you ever decide to leave him. You feel bad for him, and now you're stuck in this headspace where you actually want to punish yourself (thinking about death)

Honey, what is your actual problem here....?

From where I'm sitting, I just see a big pile of illogical, scattered thoughts. I don't see one specific issue besides the most obvious one: you need to get away from your husband because clearly, being with him isn't working for you anymore...
Are there any other details? Like, who are you actually supporting—him, kids, do you even have kids? What is truly eating at you in all of this?

rustynomad12 said:Okay, look, I think you might be a little lost here...
The way you laid everything out was super confusing, so let me try to break it down and simplify things—please jump in and correct me if I've got this wrong:

You’re working hard, making good money, but you’ve got a husband who basically ignores you. He’s just living in his own little world and won't lift a finger to help with the grind. He even gives you this "encouragement" to sleep with other people just to bring in more cash, and then he acts all offended if you ever decide to leave him. You feel bad for him, and now you're stuck in this headspace where you actually want to punish yourself (thinking about death)

Honey, what is your actual problem here....?

From where I'm sitting, I just see a big pile of illogical, scattered thoughts. I don't see one specific issue besides the most obvious one: you need to get away from your husband because clearly, being with him isn't working for you anymore...
Are there any other details? Like, who are you actually supporting—him, kids, do you even have kids? What is truly eating at you in all of this?

The kids are grown up.
We married very young and had them one after another.
They live on their own now—working, studying, going about their lives.

What haunts me is what will happen to him, because he is entirely dependent on me.
We tried to separate once, and he spiraled into heavy drinking—calling me incessantly at all hours of the day and night.
I am afraid of him.
I'm afraid he might stalk me.
So, I don't know.
Everything feels jumbled and messy.
Which is why I feel like dying would be my best option.
It seems quite clear that I am simply incapable of living.

Sure, that would be the easy way out, but let’s be real—that sounds like you're just making excuses because you feel powerless to change things.
But hey, you can always change them...
I’m guessing you’re stuck in a tiny small town where maybe it feels "justified" that your husband spends his days doing absolutely nothing, just drifting along without ever trying to land a real job or actually improve your lives...
It’s super obvious you’re mostly worried about him messing up. It looks like you’re more focused on coddling him so he doesn't feel like a "failure" than you are on actually making yourself happy...
And honestly? Saying you'll "try" to think about it is basically the same as doing nothing at all.
In other words, if you want to pivot your life (okay, a little sarcasm there—you *could* end it all, but maybe hold off on that option for a second...), make your kids actually happy, find some peace of mind, and kick this depression to the curb, you really need to ask yourself who is actually worth all this constant energy, stress, and money. You need to figure out what is WORST that could possibly happen...

So, from what I can tell, you think the worst thing would be leaving him and going somewhere else (assuming you have a place to go) just to clear your head and think... I don't mean leaving forever right this second, but just stepping away for a bit to see how things play out...
Are you scared for him? Honey, he isn't your child! He’s a grown man, not someone who can't take care of himself, but you've trained him to "blackmail" you into staying!!
Just pack your bags if you have a spot to go, and let him figure things out on his own... now, if he were disabled, that’s a totally different story...
But if he’s physically and mentally healthy, please, I am begging you, find the guts to use the Supreme Court of your own conscience and pull your life out of this mud...

If you need someone watching him, call the police. If he won't stop calling, block the number or get a new one. Once you take that very first step, everything else just falls into place...

But honestly, it feels like you aren't even sure what you want. You're drowning in guilt, and deep down, I think you're actually scared for yourself, not him. You're terrified because you have no idea what life could look like outside of this mess...
But what if it looks 150 times better? What if you’re actually happy and satisfied?

Do you truly want to stay with him? And if not, what is actually stopping you? (Aside from those "excuses"—like him calling you constantly, harassing you, or hurting you...)

Make a firm decision on what you want and go for it. Seriously, do it today! Tomorrow is such a slippery concept anyway...

Honestly, if you can, just walk away from someone who doesn't respect you. It’s like when you realize a roommate isn't pulling their weight—you're stuck doing all the cleaning while they just lounge around waiting for you to fix everything. If they're manipulating you and acting lazy, staying in a marriage like that is just a downward spiral. People always say, "Oh, they'll change," but in my experience, they don't. They usually just get worse, or at least they hit a ceiling where they can't possibly sink any lower than they already have.

David Watson8 said:To put it bluntly—using a bit of folksy wisdom—it’s been anything but smooth sailing. Life has essentially slapped me in the face a few too many times, and frankly, I’m just done with it all.

I struggle to see any real point in going through the motions. Right now, my job exists solely to cover the bills—that’s it. Even though I bring in a very solid income, I’m the only one in the house actually working. Despite that, I can't afford a single luxury—not even the small things. I can't go to the movies, for instance; the last time I went on a vacation was back in 2005.

When I get home, there isn't a shred of relief waiting for me. My husband stays buried in his hobbies, so the second I walk through the door, the housework starts—laundry, cooking, the whole routine.

We haven't shared a bed in nearly two years. He isn't working, nor is he making any real effort to find a job. Part of me feels almost encouraged to... well, let's say pursue an affair with a manager or someone in a position of authority if it meant bringing more money into the household. But then again, he’s made it quite clear that if I were to step out with some random guy, he’d kill me.

I’m stuck in this limbo where I don't know what to think, and the clock is ticking—we're both in our mid-40s.

Look, you get divorced, you split the assets—basically the equity from the house—and then you move on. You keep working, find someone who already has their own place or the cash to buy into something, provided they actually fit your vibe and can live with you.
Once the divorce is final, he isn't your husband anymore. At that point, his life is no longer your responsibility... he certainly isn't worrying about you anymore.

David Watson8 said:The kids are grown up.
We married very young and had them one after another.
They live on their own now—working, studying, going about their lives.

What haunts me is what will happen to him, because he is entirely dependent on me.
We tried to separate once, and he spiraled into heavy drinking—calling me incessantly at all hours of the day and night.
I am afraid of him.
I'm afraid he might stalk me.
So, I don't know.
Everything feels jumbled and messy.
Which is why I feel like dying would be my best option.
It seems quite clear that I am simply incapable of living.

And why does it matter how much he drinks? Are you the one pouring the whiskey down his throat?!... Why hasn't he seen a psychiatrist to get some meds? Honestly, therapy would be cheaper than him turning into an alcoholic.

David Watson8 said:The kids are grown up.
We married very young and had them one after another.
They live on their own now—working, studying, going about their lives.

What haunts me is what will happen to him, because he is entirely dependent on me.
We tried to separate once, and he spiraled into heavy drinking—calling me incessantly at all hours of the day and night.
I am afraid of him.
I'm afraid he might stalk me.
So, I don't know.
Everything feels jumbled and messy.
Which is why I feel like dying would be my best option.
It seems quite clear that I am simply incapable of living.

You aren't "incapable," you're just being naive.
If someone is harassing you, you can always call the police. And since you have a decent salary, you can always afford some way to defend yourself—to disable the harasser, obviously, not yourself.😁