How do you admit to yourself that you're in an abusive relationship?

I know what’s causing my depression. I haven't seen a doctor yet, but I recognize the signs in myself based on everything I've read and heard from others. My main struggle right now is this: why can't I just admit to myself that I was in an abusive relationship, close that chapter, and finally move on?

He insulted me, harassed me, and we had physical fights that required the police to get involved. I’m a sensitive person, and all of this has shaken me to my core. I’ve definitely had nervous breakdowns, and looking back, I think it's fair to say I'm dealing with some mental health struggles. The thing is, I haven't actually ended things yet. During the relationship, I lost my friends, and when my family tried to help, they didn't always handle it well—they mostly just blamed me for letting it happen. I've been fighting this battle entirely on my own, and now I want to fix it once and for all. Even though I know exactly how he treated me, I still can't stop reaching out to him. Sometimes I just contact him to tell him to leave me alone, and it gives me a temporary sense of relief. I know my self-esteem is shot, but why can't I just say "enough" after everything he put me through? I refuse to admit I was in such a toxic relationship because I loved him too much. Why am I still talking about a person who mentally destroyed me and pushed me to the brink of insanity? I keep telling myself this shouldn't have happened to me. I suppress the reality of his actions until I almost forget, and then I find myself thinking maybe he’s changed—even though I know he hasn't.
It's clear from my posts that I'm struggling deeply with self-respect. I'm saying this upfront so the "know-it-alls" don't jump in to lecture me about things they've never experienced or call me stupid. I never thought I'd let anyone treat me like this, but I guess I'm just vulnerable. I was searching for a sense of security that I was terrified to lose, and out of pure shame, I kept it all a secret. I won't be able to move forward unless I end this relationship for good, but I don't know how to reach the point where I truly realize he isn't for me. I need to see that he isn't my safety net. I need to reach a place where I genuinely want to leave, rather than staying and later regretting what I could have had—knowing deep down I'll end up with nothing. I know I'm being contradictory. If anyone here understands this feeling, I would be so grateful for any advice on how to build my strength, cut ties forever, and finally feel nothing for him.

Ending the relationship is the first step toward feeling better.

Anyone calling you stupid is just plain ignorant. They don't see that you just veered off course and now you’re dead set on getting back on track and moving forward with a smile.
Honestly, being able to spot your own mistakes is a massive plus. You've reached a certain level of awareness, and now you just need someone to help you clear those last few hurdles so you can finally move on.
There’s one thing you didn't mention, and frankly, it matters—how old are you?
Beyond that, here's the reality: people usually fall in love with an imaginary version of someone. It’s a way to mask their flaws—not from the world, but from themselves. That’s where the rot sets in. Because of that fantasy, your internal scale for what's acceptable shifts. Those small red flags at the start eventually become invisible. But that's exactly why you went too far in the wrong direction. You seriously need to replay all those "dark" moments you spent with this guy. Look them in the eye. Realize that both your health and your life were on the line because you were addicted to his whims rather than his actual character.
Once you process those memories and vent them to someone who actually listens without judging or lecturing, your perspective will shift. That idealized image you're still clinging to—the one keeping you stuck—will start to fade until eventually, the whole thing just feels ridiculous and distant. That’s when you start rebuilding. Build a version of yourself that holds a partner to a higher standard. Stop letting things slide; you're the boss of your own life, not him. And more importantly, build up your self-esteem. Don't just talk about it—live it. Be the woman who knows she is incredible and deserves infinitely more than anything that guy could ever offer.

One thing I want you to remember, no matter what: never beat yourself up for staying with such a loser for as long as you did. Sure, he was a joke, but you stayed and fought to make things work. In my book, that makes you a fighter. And once a fighter like you finds a real person, you'll have more than enough heart to fight for them.

Besides, like they say, "scars are just reminders of where we've been, not directions for where we're going."

The real issue with these kinds of relationships is that they usually follow a Heaven-Hell pattern—one that eventually spirals into a full-blown Heaven-Hell-Hell-Heaven-Hell-Hell-Hell-Heaven-Hell-Hell-Hell-Hell-Heaven-Hell-Hell-Hell-Hell-Hell cycle (if you catch my drift). Basically, you get hit with more and more toxic situations, reactions, and circumstances from the person you love, and those rare good moments start feeling even more divine and fulfilling just because they're so scarce. Unfortunately, that’s exactly how the brain decides to memorize things..

ruggedraven37 said:I know what’s causing my depression. I haven't seen a doctor yet, but I recognize the signs in myself based on everything I've read and heard from others. My main struggle right now is this: why can't I just admit to myself that I was in an abusive relationship, close that chapter, and finally move on?

He insulted me, harassed me, and we had physical fights that required the police to get involved. I’m a sensitive person, and all of this has shaken me to my core. I’ve definitely had nervous breakdowns, and looking back, I think it's fair to say I'm dealing with some mental health struggles. The thing is, I haven't actually ended things yet. During the relationship, I lost my friends, and when my family tried to help, they didn't always handle it well—they mostly just blamed me for letting it happen. I've been fighting this battle entirely on my own, and now I want to fix it once and for all. Even though I know exactly how he treated me, I still can't stop reaching out to him. Sometimes I just contact him to tell him to leave me alone, and it gives me a temporary sense of relief. I know my self-esteem is shot, but why can't I just say "enough" after everything he put me through? I refuse to admit I was in such a toxic relationship because I loved him too much. Why am I still talking about a person who mentally destroyed me and pushed me to the brink of insanity? I keep telling myself this shouldn't have happened to me. I suppress the reality of his actions until I almost forget, and then I find myself thinking maybe he’s changed—even though I know he hasn't.
It's clear from my posts that I'm struggling deeply with self-respect. I'm saying this upfront so the "know-it-alls" don't jump in to lecture me about things they've never experienced or call me stupid. I never thought I'd let anyone treat me like this, but I guess I'm just vulnerable. I was searching for a sense of security that I was terrified to lose, and out of pure shame, I kept it all a secret. I won't be able to move forward unless I end this relationship for good, but I don't know how to reach the point where I truly realize he isn't for me. I need to see that he isn't my safety net. I need to reach a place where I genuinely want to leave, rather than staying and later regretting what I could have had—knowing deep down I'll end up with nothing. I know I'm being contradictory. If anyone here understands this feeling, I would be so grateful for any advice on how to build my strength, cut ties forever, and finally feel nothing for him.

Ending the relationship is the first step toward feeling better.

Part of it works this way because the ego desperately wants to maintain a positive self-image, so it relies on a totally distorted perception...
Maybe deep down, you subconsciously believe that people who are mistreated actually deserve the garbage they get, or that being in love is somehow a weakness? Or maybe you're living out someone else's relationship entirely, who knows?
If you're the type who's prideful, stubborn, and hasn't had life hand you much on a silver platter before, it's going to be incredibly hard to admit later on that you were someone's victim...

ruggedraven37 said:I know what’s causing my depression. I haven't seen a doctor yet, but I recognize the signs in myself based on everything I've read and heard from others. My main struggle right now is this: why can't I just admit to myself that I was in an abusive relationship, close that chapter, and finally move on?

He insulted me, harassed me, and we had physical fights that required the police to get involved. I’m a sensitive person, and all of this has shaken me to my core. I’ve definitely had nervous breakdowns, and looking back, I think it's fair to say I'm dealing with some mental health struggles. The thing is, I haven't actually ended things yet. During the relationship, I lost my friends, and when my family tried to help, they didn't always handle it well—they mostly just blamed me for letting it happen. I've been fighting this battle entirely on my own, and now I want to fix it once and for all. Even though I know exactly how he treated me, I still can't stop reaching out to him. Sometimes I just contact him to tell him to leave me alone, and it gives me a temporary sense of relief. I know my self-esteem is shot, but why can't I just say "enough" after everything he put me through? I refuse to admit I was in such a toxic relationship because I loved him too much. Why am I still talking about a person who mentally destroyed me and pushed me to the brink of insanity? I keep telling myself this shouldn't have happened to me. I suppress the reality of his actions until I almost forget, and then I find myself thinking maybe he’s changed—even though I know he hasn't.
It's clear from my posts that I'm struggling deeply with self-respect. I'm saying this upfront so the "know-it-alls" don't jump in to lecture me about things they've never experienced or call me stupid. I never thought I'd let anyone treat me like this, but I guess I'm just vulnerable. I was searching for a sense of security that I was terrified to lose, and out of pure shame, I kept it all a secret. I won't be able to move forward unless I end this relationship for good, but I don't know how to reach the point where I truly realize he isn't for me. I need to see that he isn't my safety net. I need to reach a place where I genuinely want to leave, rather than staying and later regretting what I could have had—knowing deep down I'll end up with nothing. I know I'm being contradictory. If anyone here understands this feeling, I would be so grateful for any advice on how to build my strength, cut ties forever, and finally feel nothing for him.

Ending the relationship is the first step toward feeling better.

It sounds like your family isn't exactly in your corner, so why are you still making excuses for them not knowing how to help?
What is there to "figure out" here?
Either you love and support someone, or you don't—there isn't some middle ground where you "manage to cope" with failing them!

ruggedraven37 said:I know what’s causing my depression. I haven't seen a doctor yet, but I recognize the signs in myself based on everything I've read and heard from others. My main struggle right now is this: why can't I just admit to myself that I was in an abusive relationship, close that chapter, and finally move on?

He insulted me, harassed me, and we had physical fights that required the police to get involved. I’m a sensitive person, and all of this has shaken me to my core. I’ve definitely had nervous breakdowns, and looking back, I think it's fair to say I'm dealing with some mental health struggles. The thing is, I haven't actually ended things yet. During the relationship, I lost my friends, and when my family tried to help, they didn't always handle it well—they mostly just blamed me for letting it happen. I've been fighting this battle entirely on my own, and now I want to fix it once and for all. Even though I know exactly how he treated me, I still can't stop reaching out to him. Sometimes I just contact him to tell him to leave me alone, and it gives me a temporary sense of relief. I know my self-esteem is shot, but why can't I just say "enough" after everything he put me through? I refuse to admit I was in such a toxic relationship because I loved him too much. Why am I still talking about a person who mentally destroyed me and pushed me to the brink of insanity? I keep telling myself this shouldn't have happened to me. I suppress the reality of his actions until I almost forget, and then I find myself thinking maybe he’s changed—even though I know he hasn't.
It's clear from my posts that I'm struggling deeply with self-respect. I'm saying this upfront so the "know-it-alls" don't jump in to lecture me about things they've never experienced or call me stupid. I never thought I'd let anyone treat me like this, but I guess I'm just vulnerable. I was searching for a sense of security that I was terrified to lose, and out of pure shame, I kept it all a secret. I won't be able to move forward unless I end this relationship for good, but I don't know how to reach the point where I truly realize he isn't for me. I need to see that he isn't my safety net. I need to reach a place where I genuinely want to leave, rather than staying and later regretting what I could have had—knowing deep down I'll end up with nothing. I know I'm being contradictory. If anyone here understands this feeling, I would be so grateful for any advice on how to build my strength, cut ties forever, and finally feel nothing for him.

Ending the relationship is the first step toward feeling better.

You aren't stupid.

You definitely aren't alone in this either—those kinds of relationships happen all too often (which is why people even talk about Stockholm Syndrome as an extreme version of that dynamic).

You're spot on about struggling with your self-esteem. That is something you should work on if you can, ideally with some professional help—like a therapist or a psychologist (don't let anyone make you feel ashamed of that; just like you wouldn't try to set a broken leg by yourself, some mental health struggles are incredibly hard to navigate without expert guidance).

In the end, you'll be much happier with yourself, and you'll be so glad you aren't in that situation anymore. You have to realize that someone who hits you or mistreats you really should have sought professional help a long time ago (and the police could have stepped in, too). They likely deal with things like schizophrenia, BPD, or other conditions, but it isn't your job to fix them, nor can you—it's entirely up to their own will. And please, don't blame yourself for feeling like you need to leave him; people walk away from relationships over much smaller issues than this.
Some life lessons come at a high price, but they are worth it... keep your head up! 👍

Dead said:It sounds like your family isn't supporting you, so why are you still making excuses for why they couldn't handle things better?
What is there to "handle" here?
Either you love and support someone, or you don't—there isn't really a middle ground for "trying to manage" it!

It shouldn't be viewed in such black and white terms.
Often, people simply don't understand what someone else is going through, but that doesn't mean they don't want to help!

Kate Jackson9 said:You aren't stupid.

You definitely aren't alone in this either—those kinds of relationships happen all too often (which is why people even talk about Stockholm Syndrome as an extreme version of that dynamic).

You're spot on about struggling with your self-esteem. That is something you should work on if you can, ideally with some professional help—like a therapist or a psychologist (don't let anyone make you feel ashamed of that; just like you wouldn't try to set a broken leg by yourself, some mental health struggles are incredibly hard to navigate without expert guidance).

In the end, you'll be much happier with yourself, and you'll be so glad you aren't in that situation anymore. You have to realize that someone who hits you or mistreats you really should have sought professional help a long time ago (and the police could have stepped in, too). They likely deal with things like schizophrenia, BPD, or other conditions, but it isn't your job to fix them, nor can you—it's entirely up to their own will. And please, don't blame yourself for feeling like you need to leave him; people walk away from relationships over much smaller issues than this.
Some life lessons come at a high price, but they are worth it... keep your head up! 👍

It shouldn't be viewed in such black and white terms.
Often, people simply don't understand what someone else is going through, but that doesn't mean they don't want to help!

That’s just wrong. If you actually love someone, you can't just look at things in black and white—especially when we're talking about your own kid, brother, or sister...
And let's be real: attacking them is somehow the most "empathetic" way to show you care? Yeah, right...

They treat them exactly the same way they treat him—sugarcoating (or totally distorting) reality and coming up with excuses for completely irrational behavior.

ruggedraven37 said:I know what’s causing my depression. I haven't seen a doctor yet, but I recognize the signs in myself based on everything I've read and heard from others. My main struggle right now is this: why can't I just admit to myself that I was in an abusive relationship, close that chapter, and finally move on?

He insulted me, harassed me, and we had physical fights that required the police to get involved. I’m a sensitive person, and all of this has shaken me to my core. I’ve definitely had nervous breakdowns, and looking back, I think it's fair to say I'm dealing with some mental health struggles. The thing is, I haven't actually ended things yet. During the relationship, I lost my friends, and when my family tried to help, they didn't always handle it well—they mostly just blamed me for letting it happen. I've been fighting this battle entirely on my own, and now I want to fix it once and for all. Even though I know exactly how he treated me, I still can't stop reaching out to him. Sometimes I just contact him to tell him to leave me alone, and it gives me a temporary sense of relief. I know my self-esteem is shot, but why can't I just say "enough" after everything he put me through? I refuse to admit I was in such a toxic relationship because I loved him too much. Why am I still talking about a person who mentally destroyed me and pushed me to the brink of insanity? I keep telling myself this shouldn't have happened to me. I suppress the reality of his actions until I almost forget, and then I find myself thinking maybe he’s changed—even though I know he hasn't.
It's clear from my posts that I'm struggling deeply with self-respect. I'm saying this upfront so the "know-it-alls" don't jump in to lecture me about things they've never experienced or call me stupid. I never thought I'd let anyone treat me like this, but I guess I'm just vulnerable. I was searching for a sense of security that I was terrified to lose, and out of pure shame, I kept it all a secret. I won't be able to move forward unless I end this relationship for good, but I don't know how to reach the point where I truly realize he isn't for me. I need to see that he isn't my safety net. I need to reach a place where I genuinely want to leave, rather than staying and later regretting what I could have had—knowing deep down I'll end up with nothing. I know I'm being contradictory. If anyone here understands this feeling, I would be so grateful for any advice on how to build my strength, cut ties forever, and finally feel nothing for him.

Ending the relationship is the first step toward feeling better.

Not necessarily. Because while you're still stuck in that relationship, you haven't even realized how much it has changed you—or maybe even crippled your ability to connect with other people or handle a new relationship. You're just suffering and desperate for it all to end, purely so the pain stops.
But honestly? It could happen that you end up hurting just as much, or even more. It’s totally unrealistic to expect yourself to come out of that kind of turbulence perfectly calm and untouched.
In fact, you might even start attracting the same destructive types of people into your life, because this ex essentially flipped a switch in your brain for a specific pattern of relationships... though that's not a guarantee.
Generally speaking, though, your best bet would be to see a therapist or pray to God that your next guy is actually sane... and that, over time, you can unlearn these old patterns.

Given what you've been through, you should be able to spot similar personalities pretty quickly—and those are the ones you need to steer clear of from day one.

You both make valid points regarding parents, but there's more to it...
There’s no sense in pitying them, but you shouldn't go out of your way to burn bridges either. A lot of people just lash out because they lack the capacity to actually understand what's happening. It's a predictable human reaction, unfortunately, tied directly to how emotionally mature someone is—and let's face it, most people aren't.
To the author's parents, her relationship looks like some twisted S/M dynamic where she’s the masochist clinging to a sadist despite the harm being done. (I know, it's a silly question, but I'm just analyzing the text here🙂) Isn't it inevitable that they judge her? Especially if their previous attempts to "help" fell short?
The real issue is that they haven't reached the level of emotional maturity needed to realize that judging her does the exact opposite of what they intend. All they're doing is backing her into a corner. What she actually needs is unconditional support and the belief that she can make the right choices.
Judging someone for judging others just fuels the fire, and honestly, she doesn't need more conflict in her life right now. (Go ahead, Dead, tear me apart if you want, but that's how I see it)

crimsoncanyon2 said:That’s just wrong. If you actually love someone, you can't just look at things in black and white—especially when we're talking about your own kid, brother, or sister...
And let's be real: attacking them is somehow the most "empathetic" way to show you care? Yeah, right...

They treat them exactly the same way they treat him—sugarcoating (or totally distorting) reality and coming up with excuses for completely irrational behavior.

Not necessarily. Because while you're still stuck in that relationship, you haven't even realized how much it has changed you—or maybe even crippled your ability to connect with other people or handle a new relationship. You're just suffering and desperate for it all to end, purely so the pain stops.
But honestly? It could happen that you end up hurting just as much, or even more. It’s totally unrealistic to expect yourself to come out of that kind of turbulence perfectly calm and untouched.
In fact, you might even start attracting the same destructive types of people into your life, because this ex essentially flipped a switch in your brain for a specific pattern of relationships... though that's not a guarantee.
Generally speaking, though, your best bet would be to see a therapist or pray to God that your next guy is actually sane... and that, over time, you can unlearn these old patterns.

Given what you've been through, you should be able to spot similar personalities pretty quickly—and those are the ones you need to steer clear of from day one.

It seems you completely missed my point.

You're essentially claiming her family doesn't care about her just because they criticized this relationship, even though she knows their intention was to help.

That perspective is an exaggeration and inaccurate. It's a textbook case of black-and-white thinking (which is pretty typical for BPD), because real love includes criticism sometimes. Criticism can be malicious or well-intentioned, more or less justified, constructive or otherwise (depending entirely on how one handles the situation), etc. Personally, I don't see anything malicious about critiquing that relationship; having good intentions is a prerequisite for offering support.

Attacking people is obviously the best way to show you understand and want to help... yeah, right.

You're overreaching here and trying to pin something on me that nobody actually said.

Attacking someone is one way people react to situations, and it doesn't necessarily stem from malice—sometimes it's just ignorance or a simple failure to grasp what's happening.

She treats them exactly the same way she treats him—sugarcoating (distorting) reality and making excuses for their irrational behavior.

You can't possibly draw that conclusion based on a single comment that offers nothing more than a vague glance at family dynamics.

ruggedraven37 said:I know what’s causing my depression. I haven't seen a doctor yet, but I recognize the signs in myself based on everything I've read and heard from others. My main struggle right now is this: why can't I just admit to myself that I was in an abusive relationship, close that chapter, and finally move on?

He insulted me, harassed me, and we had physical fights that required the police to get involved. I’m a sensitive person, and all of this has shaken me to my core. I’ve definitely had nervous breakdowns, and looking back, I think it's fair to say I'm dealing with some mental health struggles. The thing is, I haven't actually ended things yet. During the relationship, I lost my friends, and when my family tried to help, they didn't always handle it well—they mostly just blamed me for letting it happen. I've been fighting this battle entirely on my own, and now I want to fix it once and for all. Even though I know exactly how he treated me, I still can't stop reaching out to him. Sometimes I just contact him to tell him to leave me alone, and it gives me a temporary sense of relief. I know my self-esteem is shot, but why can't I just say "enough" after everything he put me through? I refuse to admit I was in such a toxic relationship because I loved him too much. Why am I still talking about a person who mentally destroyed me and pushed me to the brink of insanity? I keep telling myself this shouldn't have happened to me. I suppress the reality of his actions until I almost forget, and then I find myself thinking maybe he’s changed—even though I know he hasn't.
It's clear from my posts that I'm struggling deeply with self-respect. I'm saying this upfront so the "know-it-alls" don't jump in to lecture me about things they've never experienced or call me stupid. I never thought I'd let anyone treat me like this, but I guess I'm just vulnerable. I was searching for a sense of security that I was terrified to lose, and out of pure shame, I kept it all a secret. I won't be able to move forward unless I end this relationship for good, but I don't know how to reach the point where I truly realize he isn't for me. I need to see that he isn't my safety net. I need to reach a place where I genuinely want to leave, rather than staying and later regretting what I could have had—knowing deep down I'll end up with nothing. I know I'm being contradictory. If anyone here understands this feeling, I would be so grateful for any advice on how to build my strength, cut ties forever, and finally feel nothing for him.

Ending the relationship is the first step toward feeling better.

Listen, ruggedraven37, if you can afford it—and I mean you should treat this as an absolute top priority—I would recommend from the bottom of my heart that you find a psychotherapist and work through this with a professional.
This isn't some minor issue that people on an internet forum are going to solve for you in a comment thread. These are the kinds of things that sometimes require years of dedicated therapy under expert guidance just to reach the core of the problem and begin repairing a shattered sense of self.

I could write an entire book based on my own experiences—I spent way too many years trapped in a completely destructive relationship myself—and we would find plenty of common ground to talk about, but talking won't get us to the actual solution we need to make a change.

I haven't been in that kind of relationship for several years now, but I am still healing from the damage. And I will be healing for a long time. My advice is to put yourself in the hands of a professional as soon as possible and give yourself the help you deserve. You've already taken the first step by correctly identifying what that relationship was. Now, you need to take the second step: head straight to therapy.

Thank you all for the responses. I actually went to see a psychologist once, but I didn't tell her that my boyfriend was being abusive; I just said I was struggling with stress. She advised me to go to the ER, where there happened to be a psychiatrist on duty. It wasn't comfortable at all. I just kept crying and couldn't even explain what was happening or piece together a coherent story. I agree with everything the doctor told me, though. I have a feeling he saw right away that I'm terrified of the breakup and that if I don't, it'll be incredibly hard to leave him. He told me to come back if I had more trouble, but I didn't go back because I just felt so uneasy after that first visit.

When I’m feeling low, it's so hard to admit that what happened was actual abuse. There are days when I feel wonderful, and then I start thinking maybe I just imagined how bad things were. I’ve actually written down those depressive moments in a journal—what I was thinking and feeling—because I struggle to believe myself. Sometimes I doubt that those days were truly as dark as I recorded them.

I know I won't find a solution on a forum, but it feels easier to describe the situation here. Maybe I'll stumble upon some wise advice or an explanation for why I act this way. I think I'm a little scared to see a therapist; I really don't want to be put on medication, and I worry it won't even help. I'm also afraid a psychologist will judge me or expect me to feel better immediately, like they're just checking a box to finish their workday. I don't even know how to work on my self-esteem—I'll look for that in another thread. I figure if I improve my confidence, I might finally be able to stop replying to his messages. But just thinking about never responding to him makes me feel so incredibly alone. I often think that nobody understands me quite like he does, and that I'll never meet anyone else like him. Andrew Doyle, I am such a mess... trying to sort through these emotions, I feel everything at once, but mostly just a deep regret that I have to fight through this entirely on my own.

As for my parents, we've never been that close. They actually see the whole thing for what it is—they know he's a jerk. But they think I'm a liar because after certain outbursts, I'd end up seeing him again while telling them it was over. I guess it was just so hard to be alone and I had no one to talk to. After everything he put me through, he was the one comforting me. Now, when I think back on it, I start thinking about how "good" he was. He helped me so much when I was venting about how lonely and out of place I felt at home. The guy who was calling me names and threatening me just a few days ago is now the one consoling me because I'm struggling with the aftermath of his own behavior. Who is the crazy one here? I think I stayed because, in those moments, it truly felt like he was helping me. I wonder if he wasn't even there just so I wouldn't break. My parents just attacked me; they expected it to be easy to walk away from someone I've put on such a pedestal. I used to be so insecure, and he was the only person I felt close to, even if I thought I was close to my girlfriends. With him, it was just us, and he pulls you into his own insecurities until he starts insulting you. You don't expect that from someone you love; instead, you find yourself making excuses for them. He insults you and then comforts you, and you just fall deeper into the trap because there's no one else close enough to help.

Why do I feel so secure with someone even after they act like this, knowing it will happen again? Why can't I just say enough? If only he would be the one to say it, everything would be so much easier. Who else feels this way?? Yes, I am scared to go to a psychologist in some way.

The reality is he actually loves seeing you play the victim. He knows he can pull your strings whenever he feels like it because he’s certain you aren't going anywhere. He knows exactly how to use emotional blackmail to flip your script and make you rethink leaving him, no matter what you decided. He "reads" you better than you realize, and he uses that insight to fuel his own fragile ego. The bottom line? He hasn't earned a single ounce of the energy you're handing him on a silver platter.
But honestly, where do you fit into this whole mess?
What's the point of feeling "safe" just because he's acting nice for five minutes, only for him to manipulate you and drain you dry when he needs a boost? That's not a partnership—it's a one-way street where you give and he just takes. You need to sit down and really think about what you want. Is this relationship actually fulfilling you, or is it just slowly stripping away your soul and your peace of mind?

As for seeing a therapist, yeah, it's scary. I get it. But there are plenty of people here who have had great experiences, and I highly doubt you won't be able to find a solid recommendation for a good doctor. Try to push that fear aside for a second and just go. Who knows? It might actually help. Just don't walk in thinking someone is going to judge you or force something on you—that’s not what they’re there for. They're there to help you...

ruggedraven37 said:Thank you all for the responses. I actually went to see a psychologist once, but I didn't tell her that my boyfriend was being abusive; I just said I was struggling with stress. She advised me to go to the ER, where there happened to be a psychiatrist on duty. It wasn't comfortable at all. I just kept crying and couldn't even explain what was happening or piece together a coherent story. I agree with everything the doctor told me, though. I have a feeling he saw right away that I'm terrified of the breakup and that if I don't, it'll be incredibly hard to leave him. He told me to come back if I had more trouble, but I didn't go back because I just felt so uneasy after that first visit.

When I’m feeling low, it's so hard to admit that what happened was actual abuse. There are days when I feel wonderful, and then I start thinking maybe I just imagined how bad things were. I’ve actually written down those depressive moments in a journal—what I was thinking and feeling—because I struggle to believe myself. Sometimes I doubt that those days were truly as dark as I recorded them.

I know I won't find a solution on a forum, but it feels easier to describe the situation here. Maybe I'll stumble upon some wise advice or an explanation for why I act this way. I think I'm a little scared to see a therapist; I really don't want to be put on medication, and I worry it won't even help. I'm also afraid a psychologist will judge me or expect me to feel better immediately, like they're just checking a box to finish their workday. I don't even know how to work on my self-esteem—I'll look for that in another thread. I figure if I improve my confidence, I might finally be able to stop replying to his messages. But just thinking about never responding to him makes me feel so incredibly alone. I often think that nobody understands me quite like he does, and that I'll never meet anyone else like him. Andrew Doyle, I am such a mess... trying to sort through these emotions, I feel everything at once, but mostly just a deep regret that I have to fight through this entirely on my own.

As for my parents, we've never been that close. They actually see the whole thing for what it is—they know he's a jerk. But they think I'm a liar because after certain outbursts, I'd end up seeing him again while telling them it was over. I guess it was just so hard to be alone and I had no one to talk to. After everything he put me through, he was the one comforting me. Now, when I think back on it, I start thinking about how "good" he was. He helped me so much when I was venting about how lonely and out of place I felt at home. The guy who was calling me names and threatening me just a few days ago is now the one consoling me because I'm struggling with the aftermath of his own behavior. Who is the crazy one here? I think I stayed because, in those moments, it truly felt like he was helping me. I wonder if he wasn't even there just so I wouldn't break. My parents just attacked me; they expected it to be easy to walk away from someone I've put on such a pedestal. I used to be so insecure, and he was the only person I felt close to, even if I thought I was close to my girlfriends. With him, it was just us, and he pulls you into his own insecurities until he starts insulting you. You don't expect that from someone you love; instead, you find yourself making excuses for them. He insults you and then comforts you, and you just fall deeper into the trap because there's no one else close enough to help.

Why do I feel so secure with someone even after they act like this, knowing it will happen again? Why can't I just say enough? If only he would be the one to say it, everything would be so much easier. Who else feels this way?? Yes, I am scared to go to a psychologist in some way.

Look, let’s be real: we tend to cling to what we know because it feels familiar, even if something entirely new—something currently unknown to us—would objectively be a much better choice. It's a mix of habit and pure addiction.
But why did I mention that you need professional help? It isn't because of him. You are in this state for your own sake. You need to address this for yourself and the internal issues you have to resolve while being in a relationship with a person like that. It might sound strange, but the truth is, you actually *do* need him. In every single way, he provides exactly what you think you want, even though you can clearly see how destructive and senseless it is. Yes, it makes absolutely no sense. Yes, nothing is ever going to change. Yes, this is called abuse, and nobody deserves it. And yes, self-esteem—that is something you seriously need to work on. Not for the sake of future relationships or finding some other guy, but for yourself.

I used to be able to describe my own catastrophic relationship with my ex like this: "Oh my God, how did we ever end up together?😍 He needs me exactly this broken and insecure, and I need someone like him—someone who kills me both literally and figuratively. It's pure pathology. Honestly, my diagnosis lined up perfectly with his, and we were just a couple that needed each other."
And these types of relationships are a sickness. It is incredibly difficult for anyone outside of that bubble—friends, parents, whatever—to truly grasp the insanity of it. And ironically, that shared madness is exactly what pulls you two even closer together.

But ruggedraven37, let me tell you one more thing. Do you know how incredible it feels to finally be yourself, to be calm, and to be genuinely happy with who you are? That is exactly how I have felt since I walked away from that toxic mess.🙂 My ex (who is as insanely jealous as he always was) actually asked me if I had already found a new man since leaving him, simply because I was radiating happiness and contentment when he saw me. And I really was. But it wasn't because of another man; it was because, for the first time in forever, I found myself. And that feeling is absolutely beautiful.

Don't be afraid of psychiatrists or, more importantly, psychotherapists. And as for medication, just because it's an option doesn't mean you have to take it. But please, go to therapy. Go talk to a professional. Don't worry—they aren't there to judge you or cast you aside. Besides, you're already doing the worst kind of judging and casting aside all by yourself. Don't be afraid to find something beautiful within yourself and for your own sake. Believe me, we all deserve love, but primarily, we deserve to love ourselves.

As for this toxic relationship and healing the wounds that are the direct result of it—just push through it. This detachment phase is bizarre and it hurts (especially if you're addicted to the drama), but trust me, it passes. Once you are through it, there won't be any force left strong enough to pull you back to that same dark place.

Sorry, I ended up writing another massive wall of text.
But you know, there is a silver lining in your story: you don't have children with him. Just please, don't let one of those inevitable "reconciliation" phases change that. If you did, you'd be dragging an innocent child into this toxic mess, forcing them to experience the poison that defines your relationship. So, be smart and start the process of detaching now—emotionally, mentally, physically, in every way possible.

ruggedraven37 said:Thank you all for the responses. I actually went to see a psychologist once, but I didn't tell her that my boyfriend was being abusive; I just said I was struggling with stress. She advised me to go to the ER, where there happened to be a psychiatrist on duty. It wasn't comfortable at all. I just kept crying and couldn't even explain what was happening or piece together a coherent story. I agree with everything the doctor told me, though. I have a feeling he saw right away that I'm terrified of the breakup and that if I don't, it'll be incredibly hard to leave him. He told me to come back if I had more trouble, but I didn't go back because I just felt so uneasy after that first visit.

When I’m feeling low, it's so hard to admit that what happened was actual abuse. There are days when I feel wonderful, and then I start thinking maybe I just imagined how bad things were. I’ve actually written down those depressive moments in a journal—what I was thinking and feeling—because I struggle to believe myself. Sometimes I doubt that those days were truly as dark as I recorded them.

I know I won't find a solution on a forum, but it feels easier to describe the situation here. Maybe I'll stumble upon some wise advice or an explanation for why I act this way. I think I'm a little scared to see a therapist; I really don't want to be put on medication, and I worry it won't even help. I'm also afraid a psychologist will judge me or expect me to feel better immediately, like they're just checking a box to finish their workday. I don't even know how to work on my self-esteem—I'll look for that in another thread. I figure if I improve my confidence, I might finally be able to stop replying to his messages. But just thinking about never responding to him makes me feel so incredibly alone. I often think that nobody understands me quite like he does, and that I'll never meet anyone else like him. Andrew Doyle, I am such a mess... trying to sort through these emotions, I feel everything at once, but mostly just a deep regret that I have to fight through this entirely on my own.

As for my parents, we've never been that close. They actually see the whole thing for what it is—they know he's a jerk. But they think I'm a liar because after certain outbursts, I'd end up seeing him again while telling them it was over. I guess it was just so hard to be alone and I had no one to talk to. After everything he put me through, he was the one comforting me. Now, when I think back on it, I start thinking about how "good" he was. He helped me so much when I was venting about how lonely and out of place I felt at home. The guy who was calling me names and threatening me just a few days ago is now the one consoling me because I'm struggling with the aftermath of his own behavior. Who is the crazy one here? I think I stayed because, in those moments, it truly felt like he was helping me. I wonder if he wasn't even there just so I wouldn't break. My parents just attacked me; they expected it to be easy to walk away from someone I've put on such a pedestal. I used to be so insecure, and he was the only person I felt close to, even if I thought I was close to my girlfriends. With him, it was just us, and he pulls you into his own insecurities until he starts insulting you. You don't expect that from someone you love; instead, you find yourself making excuses for them. He insults you and then comforts you, and you just fall deeper into the trap because there's no one else close enough to help.

Why do I feel so secure with someone even after they act like this, knowing it will happen again? Why can't I just say enough? If only he would be the one to say it, everything would be so much easier. Who else feels this way?? Yes, I am scared to go to a psychologist in some way.

A good psychotherapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist isn't going to judge you; those kinds of connections are actually standard practice in the field. What matters is that they can offer guidance, shift your perspective, and help you move past this person so you can finally be much happier.

I have no idea how to even start working on my self-confidence. I'll probably look for a different thread about that later, since I guess if I improve myself, I won't feel the urge to reply to his messages ever again.

Try diving into something you truly love (you surely have a hobby somewhere), focus on yourself, and lean into things that make you feel capable... not to list everything: the internet is absolutely flooded with guides on this subject, so you could try reading some—it will definitely help you process the situation, but just remember that you shouldn't shy away from professional help.

Now that I've thought about it, the moment I decided never to reply to him immediately, I felt this wave of loneliness, like I'm all alone in the world. I often find myself thinking that nobody will ever understand me the way he did, and I'll never meet anyone like him again.

That feeling is completely normal after a breakup, but honestly, it isn't true.
I am certain there are people out there who will understand and respect you far better than he ever could, but in order to actually meet them and give them a chance, you absolutely have to let go of this relationship first.
You have to close one door to open another—and eventually, you'll find much more happiness.

The guy who was calling me names and threatening me just a few days ago is now making me feel guilty because I'm struggling with the fallout of his behavior. So, who's the crazy one here?

He probably sensed your insecurity, and since he’s insecure himself and emotionally unstable, being in a relationship where he can control you gives him a sense of security.
That kind of behavior is classic for someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (if you have some time, check out the book 'Walking on Eggshells'—that's the original title).

ruggedraven37 said:Thank you all for the responses. I actually went to see a psychologist once, but I didn't tell her that my boyfriend was being abusive; I just said I was struggling with stress. She advised me to go to the ER, where there happened to be a psychiatrist on duty. It wasn't comfortable at all. I just kept crying and couldn't even explain what was happening or piece together a coherent story. I agree with everything the doctor told me, though. I have a feeling he saw right away that I'm terrified of the breakup and that if I don't, it'll be incredibly hard to leave him. He told me to come back if I had more trouble, but I didn't go back because I just felt so uneasy after that first visit.

When I’m feeling low, it's so hard to admit that what happened was actual abuse. There are days when I feel wonderful, and then I start thinking maybe I just imagined how bad things were. I’ve actually written down those depressive moments in a journal—what I was thinking and feeling—because I struggle to believe myself. Sometimes I doubt that those days were truly as dark as I recorded them.

I know I won't find a solution on a forum, but it feels easier to describe the situation here. Maybe I'll stumble upon some wise advice or an explanation for why I act this way. I think I'm a little scared to see a therapist; I really don't want to be put on medication, and I worry it won't even help. I'm also afraid a psychologist will judge me or expect me to feel better immediately, like they're just checking a box to finish their workday. I don't even know how to work on my self-esteem—I'll look for that in another thread. I figure if I improve my confidence, I might finally be able to stop replying to his messages. But just thinking about never responding to him makes me feel so incredibly alone. I often think that nobody understands me quite like he does, and that I'll never meet anyone else like him. Andrew Doyle, I am such a mess... trying to sort through these emotions, I feel everything at once, but mostly just a deep regret that I have to fight through this entirely on my own.

As for my parents, we've never been that close. They actually see the whole thing for what it is—they know he's a jerk. But they think I'm a liar because after certain outbursts, I'd end up seeing him again while telling them it was over. I guess it was just so hard to be alone and I had no one to talk to. After everything he put me through, he was the one comforting me. Now, when I think back on it, I start thinking about how "good" he was. He helped me so much when I was venting about how lonely and out of place I felt at home. The guy who was calling me names and threatening me just a few days ago is now the one consoling me because I'm struggling with the aftermath of his own behavior. Who is the crazy one here? I think I stayed because, in those moments, it truly felt like he was helping me. I wonder if he wasn't even there just so I wouldn't break. My parents just attacked me; they expected it to be easy to walk away from someone I've put on such a pedestal. I used to be so insecure, and he was the only person I felt close to, even if I thought I was close to my girlfriends. With him, it was just us, and he pulls you into his own insecurities until he starts insulting you. You don't expect that from someone you love; instead, you find yourself making excuses for them. He insults you and then comforts you, and you just fall deeper into the trap because there's no one else close enough to help.

Why do I feel so secure with someone even after they act like this, knowing it will happen again? Why can't I just say enough? If only he would be the one to say it, everything would be so much easier. Who else feels this way?? Yes, I am scared to go to a psychologist in some way.

You’re having trouble integrating your memories...

ruggedraven37 said:Thank you all for the responses. I actually went to see a psychologist once, but I didn't tell her that my boyfriend was being abusive; I just said I was struggling with stress. She advised me to go to the ER, where there happened to be a psychiatrist on duty. It wasn't comfortable at all. I just kept crying and couldn't even explain what was happening or piece together a coherent story. I agree with everything the doctor told me, though. I have a feeling he saw right away that I'm terrified of the breakup and that if I don't, it'll be incredibly hard to leave him. He told me to come back if I had more trouble, but I didn't go back because I just felt so uneasy after that first visit.

When I’m feeling low, it's so hard to admit that what happened was actual abuse. There are days when I feel wonderful, and then I start thinking maybe I just imagined how bad things were. I’ve actually written down those depressive moments in a journal—what I was thinking and feeling—because I struggle to believe myself. Sometimes I doubt that those days were truly as dark as I recorded them.

I know I won't find a solution on a forum, but it feels easier to describe the situation here. Maybe I'll stumble upon some wise advice or an explanation for why I act this way. I think I'm a little scared to see a therapist; I really don't want to be put on medication, and I worry it won't even help. I'm also afraid a psychologist will judge me or expect me to feel better immediately, like they're just checking a box to finish their workday. I don't even know how to work on my self-esteem—I'll look for that in another thread. I figure if I improve my confidence, I might finally be able to stop replying to his messages. But just thinking about never responding to him makes me feel so incredibly alone. I often think that nobody understands me quite like he does, and that I'll never meet anyone else like him. Andrew Doyle, I am such a mess... trying to sort through these emotions, I feel everything at once, but mostly just a deep regret that I have to fight through this entirely on my own.

As for my parents, we've never been that close. They actually see the whole thing for what it is—they know he's a jerk. But they think I'm a liar because after certain outbursts, I'd end up seeing him again while telling them it was over. I guess it was just so hard to be alone and I had no one to talk to. After everything he put me through, he was the one comforting me. Now, when I think back on it, I start thinking about how "good" he was. He helped me so much when I was venting about how lonely and out of place I felt at home. The guy who was calling me names and threatening me just a few days ago is now the one consoling me because I'm struggling with the aftermath of his own behavior. Who is the crazy one here? I think I stayed because, in those moments, it truly felt like he was helping me. I wonder if he wasn't even there just so I wouldn't break. My parents just attacked me; they expected it to be easy to walk away from someone I've put on such a pedestal. I used to be so insecure, and he was the only person I felt close to, even if I thought I was close to my girlfriends. With him, it was just us, and he pulls you into his own insecurities until he starts insulting you. You don't expect that from someone you love; instead, you find yourself making excuses for them. He insults you and then comforts you, and you just fall deeper into the trap because there's no one else close enough to help.

Why do I feel so secure with someone even after they act like this, knowing it will happen again? Why can't I just say enough? If only he would be the one to say it, everything would be so much easier. Who else feels this way?? Yes, I am scared to go to a psychologist in some way.

If you weren't close, can I assume that's due to being distant? Is that why you aren't close with the rest of your family?

ruggedraven37 said:Thank you all for the responses. I actually went to see a psychologist once, but I didn't tell her that my boyfriend was being abusive; I just said I was struggling with stress. She advised me to go to the ER, where there happened to be a psychiatrist on duty. It wasn't comfortable at all. I just kept crying and couldn't even explain what was happening or piece together a coherent story. I agree with everything the doctor told me, though. I have a feeling he saw right away that I'm terrified of the breakup and that if I don't, it'll be incredibly hard to leave him. He told me to come back if I had more trouble, but I didn't go back because I just felt so uneasy after that first visit.

When I’m feeling low, it's so hard to admit that what happened was actual abuse. There are days when I feel wonderful, and then I start thinking maybe I just imagined how bad things were. I’ve actually written down those depressive moments in a journal—what I was thinking and feeling—because I struggle to believe myself. Sometimes I doubt that those days were truly as dark as I recorded them.

I know I won't find a solution on a forum, but it feels easier to describe the situation here. Maybe I'll stumble upon some wise advice or an explanation for why I act this way. I think I'm a little scared to see a therapist; I really don't want to be put on medication, and I worry it won't even help. I'm also afraid a psychologist will judge me or expect me to feel better immediately, like they're just checking a box to finish their workday. I don't even know how to work on my self-esteem—I'll look for that in another thread. I figure if I improve my confidence, I might finally be able to stop replying to his messages. But just thinking about never responding to him makes me feel so incredibly alone. I often think that nobody understands me quite like he does, and that I'll never meet anyone else like him. Andrew Doyle, I am such a mess... trying to sort through these emotions, I feel everything at once, but mostly just a deep regret that I have to fight through this entirely on my own.

As for my parents, we've never been that close. They actually see the whole thing for what it is—they know he's a jerk. But they think I'm a liar because after certain outbursts, I'd end up seeing him again while telling them it was over. I guess it was just so hard to be alone and I had no one to talk to. After everything he put me through, he was the one comforting me. Now, when I think back on it, I start thinking about how "good" he was. He helped me so much when I was venting about how lonely and out of place I felt at home. The guy who was calling me names and threatening me just a few days ago is now the one consoling me because I'm struggling with the aftermath of his own behavior. Who is the crazy one here? I think I stayed because, in those moments, it truly felt like he was helping me. I wonder if he wasn't even there just so I wouldn't break. My parents just attacked me; they expected it to be easy to walk away from someone I've put on such a pedestal. I used to be so insecure, and he was the only person I felt close to, even if I thought I was close to my girlfriends. With him, it was just us, and he pulls you into his own insecurities until he starts insulting you. You don't expect that from someone you love; instead, you find yourself making excuses for them. He insults you and then comforts you, and you just fall deeper into the trap because there's no one else close enough to help.

Why do I feel so secure with someone even after they act like this, knowing it will happen again? Why can't I just say enough? If only he would be the one to say it, everything would be so much easier. Who else feels this way?? Yes, I am scared to go to a psychologist in some way.

What a total mind-f*ck. He creates the chaos and the confusion just so he can step in and play the hero or the comforter, all to tighten his grip on you...
It reminds me of how some crooked firefighters might set a fire just so they can show up and be local heroes to a terrified public.🤣

He probably identifies with you in some way—seeing a reflection of himself in your personality. Do you two share anything fundamental? Like, maybe some shared traumas, negative life experiences, or specific family dynamics?

ruggedraven37 said:Thank you all for the responses. I actually went to see a psychologist once, but I didn't tell her that my boyfriend was being abusive; I just said I was struggling with stress. She advised me to go to the ER, where there happened to be a psychiatrist on duty. It wasn't comfortable at all. I just kept crying and couldn't even explain what was happening or piece together a coherent story. I agree with everything the doctor told me, though. I have a feeling he saw right away that I'm terrified of the breakup and that if I don't, it'll be incredibly hard to leave him. He told me to come back if I had more trouble, but I didn't go back because I just felt so uneasy after that first visit.

When I’m feeling low, it's so hard to admit that what happened was actual abuse. There are days when I feel wonderful, and then I start thinking maybe I just imagined how bad things were. I’ve actually written down those depressive moments in a journal—what I was thinking and feeling—because I struggle to believe myself. Sometimes I doubt that those days were truly as dark as I recorded them.

I know I won't find a solution on a forum, but it feels easier to describe the situation here. Maybe I'll stumble upon some wise advice or an explanation for why I act this way. I think I'm a little scared to see a therapist; I really don't want to be put on medication, and I worry it won't even help. I'm also afraid a psychologist will judge me or expect me to feel better immediately, like they're just checking a box to finish their workday. I don't even know how to work on my self-esteem—I'll look for that in another thread. I figure if I improve my confidence, I might finally be able to stop replying to his messages. But just thinking about never responding to him makes me feel so incredibly alone. I often think that nobody understands me quite like he does, and that I'll never meet anyone else like him. Andrew Doyle, I am such a mess... trying to sort through these emotions, I feel everything at once, but mostly just a deep regret that I have to fight through this entirely on my own.

As for my parents, we've never been that close. They actually see the whole thing for what it is—they know he's a jerk. But they think I'm a liar because after certain outbursts, I'd end up seeing him again while telling them it was over. I guess it was just so hard to be alone and I had no one to talk to. After everything he put me through, he was the one comforting me. Now, when I think back on it, I start thinking about how "good" he was. He helped me so much when I was venting about how lonely and out of place I felt at home. The guy who was calling me names and threatening me just a few days ago is now the one consoling me because I'm struggling with the aftermath of his own behavior. Who is the crazy one here? I think I stayed because, in those moments, it truly felt like he was helping me. I wonder if he wasn't even there just so I wouldn't break. My parents just attacked me; they expected it to be easy to walk away from someone I've put on such a pedestal. I used to be so insecure, and he was the only person I felt close to, even if I thought I was close to my girlfriends. With him, it was just us, and he pulls you into his own insecurities until he starts insulting you. You don't expect that from someone you love; instead, you find yourself making excuses for them. He insults you and then comforts you, and you just fall deeper into the trap because there's no one else close enough to help.

Why do I feel so secure with someone even after they act like this, knowing it will happen again? Why can't I just say enough? If only he would be the one to say it, everything would be so much easier. Who else feels this way?? Yes, I am scared to go to a psychologist in some way.

It's because you view yourself as "his," which gives you that sense of security—but that doesn't stop him from taking it for granted and treating you however the hell he wants...
Guys like this have this ridiculous trait where they become incredibly protective the second someone else turns against the person they "love." Yet, without an outside threat, they treat women like literal garbage or objects—just whatever fits their mood at the moment...

Picture this: some freak owns a dog and constantly abuses it. Then, one day, some other idiot comes along in the park and kicks the dog. In a fit of rage, the abusive owner snaps and breaks the guy's jaw, then takes his dog home, feeds it, brushes it, and cuddles it... and of course, the poor pup is all happy 😁, while waiting for the next time the owner decides to lash out—maybe because he's stressed, maybe he's bored, maybe his brain chemistry is off that day, maybe he didn't sleep well, maybe his blood sugar dropped, or maybe he just remembered how someone mistreated him years ago... etc., etc...
And the poor dog gets screwed over again...
But what is the dog supposed to do? Where is it going to go? What choice does it have?
Sure, maybe with someone else, the meals would be more regular, there'd be more walks, more affection, and fewer beatings—but the poor thing has become conditioned. It lives for those tiny bright moments, which makes it forget and forgive everything else...

ruggedraven37 said:I know what’s causing my depression. I haven't seen a doctor yet, but I recognize the signs in myself based on everything I've read and heard from others. My main struggle right now is this: why can't I just admit to myself that I was in an abusive relationship, close that chapter, and finally move on?

He insulted me, harassed me, and we had physical fights that required the police to get involved. I’m a sensitive person, and all of this has shaken me to my core. I’ve definitely had nervous breakdowns, and looking back, I think it's fair to say I'm dealing with some mental health struggles. The thing is, I haven't actually ended things yet. During the relationship, I lost my friends, and when my family tried to help, they didn't always handle it well—they mostly just blamed me for letting it happen. I've been fighting this battle entirely on my own, and now I want to fix it once and for all. Even though I know exactly how he treated me, I still can't stop reaching out to him. Sometimes I just contact him to tell him to leave me alone, and it gives me a temporary sense of relief. I know my self-esteem is shot, but why can't I just say "enough" after everything he put me through? I refuse to admit I was in such a toxic relationship because I loved him too much. Why am I still talking about a person who mentally destroyed me and pushed me to the brink of insanity? I keep telling myself this shouldn't have happened to me. I suppress the reality of his actions until I almost forget, and then I find myself thinking maybe he’s changed—even though I know he hasn't.
It's clear from my posts that I'm struggling deeply with self-respect. I'm saying this upfront so the "know-it-alls" don't jump in to lecture me about things they've never experienced or call me stupid. I never thought I'd let anyone treat me like this, but I guess I'm just vulnerable. I was searching for a sense of security that I was terrified to lose, and out of pure shame, I kept it all a secret. I won't be able to move forward unless I end this relationship for good, but I don't know how to reach the point where I truly realize he isn't for me. I need to see that he isn't my safety net. I need to reach a place where I genuinely want to leave, rather than staying and later regretting what I could have had—knowing deep down I'll end up with nothing. I know I'm being contradictory. If anyone here understands this feeling, I would be so grateful for any advice on how to build my strength, cut ties forever, and finally feel nothing for him.

Ending the relationship is the first step toward feeling better.

Start looking at the objective long-term trends, and eventually, different scenarios will start playing out in your head...
For instance, imagine you get married. You spend 10 or 15 years in that marriage—just enough time to waste your best years—and you're unemployed or working sporadically because, say, he's jealous. Over time, you become boring to him. No kids. Then, during some night out, he picks up some random girl who ends up getting pregnant, and suddenly he starts thinking seriously about settling down because, by age 45 or 50, he's tired of the club scene. And then, after all the crap you've swallowed, he just tosses you aside—leaving you with no money, no kids, no roof over your head, and zero work history or experience to build any kind of foundation for future stability... basically, leaving you with absolutely no security whatsoever...

Of course, your people turned their backs on you a long time ago...

P.S. Reason needs to get a grip on those emotions...

I remember how happy I was on my own before this; I truly didn't feel like I needed anyone. Now, suddenly, I’m "dependent" on someone else. I honestly thought I could just handle my own issues as they came. I know, I know—bottling everything up isn't healthy and keeping people out doesn't help, but I just didn't want to burden anyone with my baggage. Part of it was also an attempt to be more self-reliant, to find a sense of independence so I wouldn't have to worry about whether someone only sticks around when things are going well. I didn't want to face any more disappointments. Anyway, the bottom line is that I've got an appointment with a therapist tomorrow through my insurance, and I just want to feel better, regardless of what happens. Thanks for all the advice. : )

Look, you’ve always got us. Sure, we’re just anonymous faces on a screen, but there’s an actual advantage to that. If you can't stand what someone's saying, you just scroll past. No drama. But honestly? It’s still nice to hear a real opinion once in a while. Even if it only offers a tiny shred of hope, it beats the usual garbage we deal with when everything feels like it's falling apart and crushing us.

As for therapists; my advice is simple. Just relax and be yourself. Say everything you need to say—be as blunt and specific as possible. Get it all out of your system so you can finally start turning the page on your life...
Good luck.

ruggedraven37 said:I remember how happy I was on my own before this; I truly didn't feel like I needed anyone. Now, suddenly, I’m "dependent" on someone else. I honestly thought I could just handle my own issues as they came. I know, I know—bottling everything up isn't healthy and keeping people out doesn't help, but I just didn't want to burden anyone with my baggage. Part of it was also an attempt to be more self-reliant, to find a sense of independence so I wouldn't have to worry about whether someone only sticks around when things are going well. I didn't want to face any more disappointments. Anyway, the bottom line is that I've got an appointment with a therapist tomorrow through my insurance, and I just want to feel better, regardless of what happens. Thanks for all the advice. : )

I remember that before he came along, I’d never actually loved anyone, nor did I ever feel like anyone truly loved me... starting with my own parents and moving outward from there... it was just these hollow social interactions, like some twisted game people play where they just look for ways to screw each other over... that was my life... until him...

I remember the first time I actually let my guard down and trusted someone, and for once, I felt everything at full capacity...
I really believed he was special... but unfortunately, he wasn't... and now I know I could never trust him ever again...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------I don't even know why I felt the need to write this out... but I guess he was the only person I ever truly loved.

ruggedraven37 said:I remember how happy I was on my own before this; I truly didn't feel like I needed anyone. Now, suddenly, I’m "dependent" on someone else. I honestly thought I could just handle my own issues as they came. I know, I know—bottling everything up isn't healthy and keeping people out doesn't help, but I just didn't want to burden anyone with my baggage. Part of it was also an attempt to be more self-reliant, to find a sense of independence so I wouldn't have to worry about whether someone only sticks around when things are going well. I didn't want to face any more disappointments. Anyway, the bottom line is that I've got an appointment with a therapist tomorrow through my insurance, and I just want to feel better, regardless of what happens. Thanks for all the advice. : )

Seeking professional help is a sign of strength, not weakness.🙂
I firmly believe you are on the right path toward doing what is best for yourself. Please check back in and let us know how you're doing🙂 and if you happen to uncover any skeletons in your closet along the way, don't hesitate to reach out to the support threads here on the forum... we've got your back.

crimsoncanyon2 said:I remember that before he came along, I’d never actually loved anyone, nor did I ever feel like anyone truly loved me... starting with my own parents and moving outward from there... it was just these hollow social interactions, like some twisted game people play where they just look for ways to screw each other over... that was my life... until him...

I remember the first time I actually let my guard down and trusted someone, and for once, I felt everything at full capacity...
I really believed he was special... but unfortunately, he wasn't... and now I know I could never trust him ever again...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------I don't even know why I felt the need to write this out... but I guess he was the only person I ever truly loved.

Look, everyone is their own universe. We all carry our own baggage and our own strengths. It’s a bit naive—not to mention a little depressing—to assume everyone is out to screw you over or dump you. Who knows? Maybe you'll actually find someone who sticks around and loves you unconditionally, where everything finally just clicks.
That goes for the author, too. If things aren't working out, let them go and move on. Give other people a shot at entering your life and proving that things can actually get better. 😉

Kyle Harris7 said:Look, everyone is their own universe. We all carry our own baggage and our own strengths. It’s a bit naive—not to mention a little depressing—to assume everyone is out to screw you over or dump you. Who knows? Maybe you'll actually find someone who sticks around and loves you unconditionally, where everything finally just clicks.
That goes for the author, too. If things aren't working out, let them go and move on. Give other people a shot at entering your life and proving that things can actually get better. 😉

Sometimes our perspective on people and the world gets set in stone by everything we've been through—regardless of how much we might want to believe otherwise. But... new patterns tend to break the old ones...

And I am absolutely certain that my positive thoughts about him and remembering those good times isn't some desperate attempt to get back together—it's more about remembering who *I* am: someone who was capable of loving deeply, and someone who still knows how to love...