Dealing with an incredibly high-maintenance adult

What’s the smartest move when you’re dealing with an adult family member who is just... exhausting? I'm talking about someone who constantly invades everyone else's privacy within a shared home—just barging into rooms and acting like they own the place. They spend all their time lecturing everyone with these completely nonsensical theories and constant nagging, even though they’re actually the one who *should* be getting chewed out. Just try to wrap your head around someone whose entire purpose seems to be making life a living hell for others through psychological warfare. Their behavior is totally irrational and unpredictable to any sane person—it's a chaotic mess fueled by alcohol mixed with whatever nerve medications they're popping. On top of that, they're constantly using other people's stuff without asking, their hygiene is non-existent (the smell is honestly unbearable), and there's zero financial responsibility, despite receiving monthly veteran benefits from their service. So, seriously, tell me—WHAT DO YOU EVEN DO?

P.S. This person is actually quite intelligent and a total master of manipulation; they play the victim perfectly to anyone who doesn't know them, which just ends up confusing the local authorities and social services that aren't doing their jobs properly anyway.

P.P.S. I've already been flooded with "suggestions" to just handle this with physical force, but that backfires completely because then the actual aggressor gets played as the victim (which isn't true), and the real victims end up looking like the bad guys. So, yeah, that is absolutely off the table.

Karen Rodriguez3, look—this person’s whole "uniqueness" (which is really just an excuse for being a teenager who refuses to grow up) makes them totally incapable of living on their own. And honestly, nobody else in the house can afford to move out either because of the money situation, which makes the whole thing pretty much a dead end. Even if this "special" individual stayed behind alone, that house would turn into a magnet for every local drunk and low-life scumbag in town within weeks. They’d just be hanging out and drinking with people they "empathize" with—you know, those bottom-feeders—whenever that government check hits their account based on their "condition."

Would you seriously let your family home go down the drain just to accommodate someone’s "uniqueness"? It’s hard when they refuse to adapt to the people around them who genuinely want what’s best for them—people who, unfortunately, can't help someone who doesn't even *want* to be helped. We're all just sitting here clinging to this delusional hope that there's a cure for everything and that the perfect solution is just right around the corner.

Seriously though, is there some kind of vaccine for stupidity? Because I’d love to inject it straight into their lazy backside just to get them to act like a normal human being before they drive the entire family completely insane with this behavior.

I mean, honestly? Probably not. You might want to go chat with a professional therapist or a family counselor about this one. Does the guy actually have an official diagnosis?

wiredcanyon19 said:Karen Rodriguez3, look—this person’s whole "uniqueness" (which is really just an excuse for being a teenager who refuses to grow up) makes them totally incapable of living on their own. And honestly, nobody else in the house can afford to move out either because of the money situation, which makes the whole thing pretty much a dead end. Even if this "special" individual stayed behind alone, that house would turn into a magnet for every local drunk and low-life scumbag in town within weeks. They’d just be hanging out and drinking with people they "empathize" with—you know, those bottom-feeders—whenever that government check hits their account based on their "condition."

Would you seriously let your family home go down the drain just to accommodate someone’s "uniqueness"? It’s hard when they refuse to adapt to the people around them who genuinely want what’s best for them—people who, unfortunately, can't help someone who doesn't even *want* to be helped. We're all just sitting here clinging to this delusional hope that there's a cure for everything and that the perfect solution is just right around the corner.

Seriously though, is there some kind of vaccine for stupidity? Because I’d love to inject it straight into their lazy backside just to get them to act like a normal human being before they drive the entire family completely insane with this behavior.

No. You have to set boundaries. For their sake and yours.
If things get extreme—like an addiction situation—there are solid institutions out there built for this. One of the best (I’ve seen it work with extended family before) is something like Hazelden Betty Ford.

Look, he’s clearly dealing with PTSD and probably some other deep-seated mental health issues—but honestly, the bigger issue here is that he’s just an irresponsible, irrational person who refuses to get help. It’s easier for him to stay this way, I guess. And since we don't really have any kind of mandatory treatment programs here in the States unless someone is actively threatening suicide—which isn't happening here—he just gets a free pass. It feels like all the "experts" have basically washed their hands of him because he's such a chaotic mess, and now he's just out there wrecking everyone else's lives simply because it suits him.

It’s like he goes out of his way to ruin every single positive moment. He carries this mindset of, "if my life is a dumpster fire, I want yours to be too." He fixates on every negative thing, blows it way out of proportion, and then completely dismisses anything good or bright. It genuinely feels like he's putting all his energy into sucking the joy out of every room, acting like nobody deserves even a second of happiness while he chooses to remain miserable, broken, and totally lost in his own world.

Some of you guys might actually hate him for all this, but I’m just not built that way—I don't really know how to hold onto hate. Honestly, having that kind of bitterness would probably eat me alive more than it would affect him, and I think hating people is just a massive waste of time. I try to be empathetic and understand where people are coming from, but—and you can probably tell by now—that doesn't always work for me. Meanwhile, life keeps moving and the crap just keeps piling up...

wiredcanyon19 said:Look, he’s clearly dealing with PTSD and probably some other deep-seated mental health issues—but honestly, the bigger issue here is that he’s just an irresponsible, irrational person who refuses to get help. It’s easier for him to stay this way, I guess. And since we don't really have any kind of mandatory treatment programs here in the States unless someone is actively threatening suicide—which isn't happening here—he just gets a free pass. It feels like all the "experts" have basically washed their hands of him because he's such a chaotic mess, and now he's just out there wrecking everyone else's lives simply because it suits him.

It’s like he goes out of his way to ruin every single positive moment. He carries this mindset of, "if my life is a dumpster fire, I want yours to be too." He fixates on every negative thing, blows it way out of proportion, and then completely dismisses anything good or bright. It genuinely feels like he's putting all his energy into sucking the joy out of every room, acting like nobody deserves even a second of happiness while he chooses to remain miserable, broken, and totally lost in his own world.

Some of you guys might actually hate him for all this, but I’m just not built that way—I don't really know how to hold onto hate. Honestly, having that kind of bitterness would probably eat me alive more than it would affect him, and I think hating people is just a massive waste of time. I try to be empathetic and understand where people are coming from, but—and you can probably tell by now—that doesn't always work for me. Meanwhile, life keeps moving and the crap just keeps piling up...

There’s real hatred, and then there's just "dislike." It's only natural to react to stuff like this.

Maybe this helps. I'm talking about addiction here. Parents can be patient, too—they'll literally pull their kid back from the brink more than once (paying off debts to some pretty shady people)... eventually, you realize you can't keep doing that. Either everyone goes down with the ship or you cut ties. And, btw, since this wasn't a drug addiction, forced rehab wasn't even an option.
In the end, though, the parents gave an ultimatum: get out of the house or go to treatment. That person is a different person now.

Look, I'm just some random guy on a forum, so don't take everything I say as gospel. Karen Rodriguez3 made a good point—you should talk to professionals.

Jessica Kelly4 said:There’s real hatred, and then there's just "dislike." It's only natural to react to stuff like this.

Maybe this helps. I'm talking about addiction here. Parents can be patient, too—they'll literally pull their kid back from the brink more than once (paying off debts to some pretty shady people)... eventually, you realize you can't keep doing that. Either everyone goes down with the ship or you cut ties. And, btw, since this wasn't a drug addiction, forced rehab wasn't even an option.
In the end, though, the parents gave an ultimatum: get out of the house or go to treatment. That person is a different person now.

Look, I'm just some random guy on a forum, so don't take everything I say as gospel. Karen Rodriguez3 made a good point—you should talk to professionals.

The thing about an ultimatum is that they usually stay on their best behavior for maybe a week or so, and then just when you think things are finally looking up, history repeats itself and everything slides right back to square one. The hardest part is dealing with someone who is genuinely smart—they just use that intelligence to dance right on the edge, keeping everyone else constantly guessing what kind of mood they'll be in tomorrow. It’s not a normal way to live, and honestly, it leaves everyone feeling pretty burnt out and stressed.

In my head, I’ve already drafted the perfect law for people like this—something that would lead to "normalization" in 99% of cases without needing a hospital stay—but hey, we live in a place where any kind of revolutionary idea is basically doomed before it even starts.

wiredcanyon19 said:Look, he’s clearly dealing with PTSD and probably some other deep-seated mental health issues—but honestly, the bigger issue here is that he’s just an irresponsible, irrational person who refuses to get help. It’s easier for him to stay this way, I guess. And since we don't really have any kind of mandatory treatment programs here in the States unless someone is actively threatening suicide—which isn't happening here—he just gets a free pass. It feels like all the "experts" have basically washed their hands of him because he's such a chaotic mess, and now he's just out there wrecking everyone else's lives simply because it suits him.

It’s like he goes out of his way to ruin every single positive moment. He carries this mindset of, "if my life is a dumpster fire, I want yours to be too." He fixates on every negative thing, blows it way out of proportion, and then completely dismisses anything good or bright. It genuinely feels like he's putting all his energy into sucking the joy out of every room, acting like nobody deserves even a second of happiness while he chooses to remain miserable, broken, and totally lost in his own world.

Some of you guys might actually hate him for all this, but I’m just not built that way—I don't really know how to hold onto hate. Honestly, having that kind of bitterness would probably eat me alive more than it would affect him, and I think hating people is just a massive waste of time. I try to be empathetic and understand where people are coming from, but—and you can probably tell by now—that doesn't always work for me. Meanwhile, life keeps moving and the crap just keeps piling up...

I guess I have to disagree—this isn't about PTSD. It looks like pure malice and sadism. Maybe don't buy into the idea that he’s sick; that mindset might be what keeps you stuck in this cycle.
Just remember, he's probably doing fine while everyone else struggles.
In the end, you'll all be the ones left with trauma, while he won't give a damn.
I can't really offer specific advice since I don't know any of you, but at least try calling things what they actually are.
The part in bold is pretty grim. I wonder how much more of what matters to you he'll destroy? When will you finally say, "Enough is enough"? And what happens then?
Eventually, you'll have to draw a line. He certainly isn't going to stop on his own.😉

Alex Barnes8 said:I guess I have to disagree—this isn't about PTSD. It looks like pure malice and sadism. Maybe don't buy into the idea that he’s sick; that mindset might be what keeps you stuck in this cycle.
Just remember, he's probably doing fine while everyone else struggles.
In the end, you'll all be the ones left with trauma, while he won't give a damn.
I can't really offer specific advice since I don't know any of you, but at least try calling things what they actually are.
The part in bold is pretty grim. I wonder how much more of what matters to you he'll destroy? When will you finally say, "Enough is enough"? And what happens then?
Eventually, you'll have to draw a line. He certainly isn't going to stop on his own.😉

Did I mention that he basically operates on double standards for everything? You seriously shouldn't leave money or anything valuable anywhere near him—I mean, I once had a watch just vanish—because he’ll just borrow it without asking and you’ll never see it again. We're constantly having to watch our backs and track where we leave stuff. It’s happened where someone buys a bag of coffee, and then he shows up, and even if you offer him some, he doesn't leave a single drop because he took the whole thing to some "buddy's" house to go drink outside a convenience store. Or if I crash in the living room and leave my phone on the shelf, I wake up and both the phone and the device are gone, only to find him down by the corner store hanging with his drinking buddies, and thanks to some lucky timing, I manage to grab my phone back—which he claimed he "borrowed so someone else wouldn't lose it" (yeah, right). Then there are times he just decides he wants to wear my sneakers—thank God I have extras—and goes out in them until he completely trashes them to the point where I can't even wear them anymore. So I just let him have them (honestly, let the devil take them), and within like three months, he’s totally shredded them—these were original Nike Air Zooms, too, not some cheap knockoffs—but instead of using his own cash to buy a new pair, he’d rather spend it all on booze and stupid junk like power tools he'll never even touch...

wiredcanyon19 said:He’s been treated that way before by people who aren't even family—you know, broken bones or whatever—but once he heals, he just goes right back to his old ways. I guess that core of evil in him just doesn't seem to fade.

Maybe you're wondering why nothing worked.
It's because feeding off others is basically his drug.
Afterward, he feels empowered, satisfied... kind of like a high from some chemical substance. It's pure brain chemistry at this point.
To him, you guys are just a steady supply of hits. Always available.
He’ll have to start seeing you differently if that fantastic sense of superiority is ever going to vanish.
And you have to stop being that easy fix for him.
As harsh as it sounds, next time he tries it, you might need to make him feel pathetic, powerless, and like absolute trash. Humiliated and broken. He needs to remember how it felt. 😉

Basically, that feeling of dominance, of being untouchable and floating above everyone else—like he's on something heavy—has to be taken away.

@wiredcanyon19

Are you even related to this individual? Who does this person live with, and who is their primary confidant?
Does this person have a verified psychiatric diagnosis from a licensed professional?

Yeah. She lives with a few of us, but she has her OWN ROOM where nobody bothers her. Look, psychiatrists might be able to help if someone actually *wants* treatment, but this person isn't interested in being hospitalized—and just trying to manage through meds alone? It’s not working. Her doctor, the cops, the whole legal system... they won't and can't do anything. Honestly, they couldn't care less about us taxpayers who are basically funding their lazy, ignorant asses. They don't lift a finger until some massive tragedy hits or until everyone under this roof collectively loses their minds because of one lunatic who terrorizes the house and sucks the life out of us.

wiredcanyon19 said:Yeah. She lives with a few of us, but she has her OWN ROOM where nobody bothers her. Look, psychiatrists might be able to help if someone actually *wants* treatment, but this person isn't interested in being hospitalized—and just trying to manage through meds alone? It’s not working. Her doctor, the cops, the whole legal system... they won't and can't do anything. Honestly, they couldn't care less about us taxpayers who are basically funding their lazy, ignorant asses. They don't lift a finger until some massive tragedy hits or until everyone under this roof collectively loses their minds because of one lunatic who terrorizes the house and sucks the life out of us.

I am unsure if there are sufficient grounds for an involuntary hold, but you should look into this.

What actually happens in a situation where someone loses their mother—assuming she was the one using her Social Security to cover all the groceries and household bills—and then the kids can't (or just straight up won't) step up to cover those costs and move out... especially if the house doesn't end up being 100% owned by that same person we're talking about?

wiredcanyon19 said:What actually happens in a situation where someone loses their mother—assuming she was the one using her Social Security to cover all the groceries and household bills—and then the kids can't (or just straight up won't) step up to cover those costs and move out... especially if the house doesn't end up being 100% owned by that same person we're talking about?

You need to be more specific. If this person's mother passes away (I assume you mean when 😉), what is the relationship between those children and the individual, and who stands to inherit the property?
Provide more data.