Eating disorders, anxiety, and isolation...

Hi..
I've been thinking about joining this forum for days now. It seems everyone here is actually engaged and offers real advice. I’m looking for some honest, objective perspective and advice...

I'm a college student who moved out at fourteen. I lived in a dorm and life was pretty carefree until I turned eighteen, when one specific event changed everything. That's when the struggle with weight began. There were periods where I worked out constantly and watched every bite, followed by phases where I would spiral and overeat until I hit a breaking point of physical discomfort and total self-loathing. Later, I moved to a different city for university and started a completely new life. That’s when the loneliness, isolation, and anxiety set in. I thought I was someone who could adapt to anything, so I assumed this was just a passing phase. But the days passed, and my dissatisfaction only grew. I hated the city I moved to; I went to class, but only because I felt I had to distract myself from my own head. Then came the first episodes of purging and crying. I remember it vividly. On my birthday, sitting alone in the kitchen, listening to music and just weeping... then suddenly heading to the bathroom to purge. That lasted three months. The worst part was going home to visit family and having to hide in the bathroom, trying to purge quietly to mask my frustration. I never told them anything; they always had such high expectations of me. When I told my mom I wanted to drop out of school, take a gap year, and figure things out, she just called me a coward for giving up before even trying. Everything shifted again after winter break. I started exercising again, tried to be social, and focused on my studies. My confidence returned. A month later, through a series of events, I moved into an apartment with a roommate, found a boyfriend, and things seemed to improve. As the days went by, I lost weight. I went from 150 lbs down to 136 lbs in four months. It wasn't just diet; I was obsessed with working out. My roommate actually told me she was worried because it looked like I was starving myself. She even mentioned anorexia a few times. I wasn't aiming for that; I just finally felt good about myself. Eventually, I broke up with my boyfriend, moved out due to the distance, and took a summer job. I met new people, a new guy, and fell back into a routine without the exercise. In fact, I started binge eating constantly, though I didn't care at the time. Within a few months, the weight was back—from 135 up to 150. Summer ended, I broke up with the guy because I wanted something serious and he didn't, and all those "friends" I met over the summer vanished; they were just acquaintances. I spiraled right back into the cycle of binging and purging. I'd go to the grocery store, buy nothing but junk food, gorge myself, and then purge multiple times in a single day. For the entire month of December, I didn't attend lectures or see anyone; I just ate and stayed shut in. My daily routine was waking up (praying I wouldn't), hitting a bakery, interacting only virtually because I'm terrified of being judged by people, eating, and occasionally purging amidst feelings of sadness, disappointment, and anxiety. My grades tanked; I really let myself down. During the holidays, I practically stuffed myself constantly. I was eating every thirty minutes if not less. I hit 170 lbs. Whenever my mom or anyone at home asks what's wrong, I stay silent and pretend everything is fine. The words just won't come out. Now, I have no energy left, and I know I'm responsible for this. Sometimes suicidal thoughts cross my mind because I feel like I can't open up to anyone. I see the negative in everything. I joined a gym two days ago, but I have zero motivation. I find myself reading about different ways to end it online, wishing I had the courage to do it so I wouldn't have to worry about my parents. I have no will to live. Please, if you can give me any advice. I know killing myself or grieving every day isn't the solution, but I'm just exhausted. I don't know what's happening to me; it feels like I'm running in circles. I'm fighting myself every day, and I'm genuinely scared I might do something drastic. I've reached for pills twice, but I stopped because of the sheer panic and the "what if I survive" feeling. I don't have friends I can talk to, and even if I did, I don't think I'm good company. I can't even bring myself to laugh sincerely anymore. I thought about seeking professional help, but my current roommate's brother works at the local psychiatric hospital, which is the only facility in my city, and I'm too ashamed to go there. Maybe a campus counselor? I am so ashamed of myself. My self-esteem is at zero. Everything is a struggle, and I don't know how to find motivation when I can't even stand myself.
Please help. I would be truly grateful to everyone. 😢

Hey sweetie,
you should really head over to the campus counselor.
And please, don't feel any kind of shame about it—honestly, helping people through stuff like this is literally what they're trained for, and besides, they’re legally required to keep everything you tell them strictly confidential.
Is there maybe a bigger city nearby you could hop on an Amtrak to reach, just in case it feels a little easier to seek out therapy there instead?
Just hang in there, okay?
The fact that you even reached out here shows me how much you truly want to get better, so seriously, bravo to you!
Please try to grab some professional help right away, before things start feeling way too heavy to carry.
I'm rooting for you so hard.

David Ramos4 said:Hi..
I've been thinking about joining this forum for days now. It seems everyone here is actually engaged and offers real advice. I’m looking for some honest, objective perspective and advice...

I'm a college student who moved out at fourteen. I lived in a dorm and life was pretty carefree until I turned eighteen, when one specific event changed everything. That's when the struggle with weight began. There were periods where I worked out constantly and watched every bite, followed by phases where I would spiral and overeat until I hit a breaking point of physical discomfort and total self-loathing. Later, I moved to a different city for university and started a completely new life. That’s when the loneliness, isolation, and anxiety set in. I thought I was someone who could adapt to anything, so I assumed this was just a passing phase. But the days passed, and my dissatisfaction only grew. I hated the city I moved to; I went to class, but only because I felt I had to distract myself from my own head. Then came the first episodes of purging and crying. I remember it vividly. On my birthday, sitting alone in the kitchen, listening to music and just weeping... then suddenly heading to the bathroom to purge. That lasted three months. The worst part was going home to visit family and having to hide in the bathroom, trying to purge quietly to mask my frustration. I never told them anything; they always had such high expectations of me. When I told my mom I wanted to drop out of school, take a gap year, and figure things out, she just called me a coward for giving up before even trying. Everything shifted again after winter break. I started exercising again, tried to be social, and focused on my studies. My confidence returned. A month later, through a series of events, I moved into an apartment with a roommate, found a boyfriend, and things seemed to improve. As the days went by, I lost weight. I went from 150 lbs down to 136 lbs in four months. It wasn't just diet; I was obsessed with working out. My roommate actually told me she was worried because it looked like I was starving myself. She even mentioned anorexia a few times. I wasn't aiming for that; I just finally felt good about myself. Eventually, I broke up with my boyfriend, moved out due to the distance, and took a summer job. I met new people, a new guy, and fell back into a routine without the exercise. In fact, I started binge eating constantly, though I didn't care at the time. Within a few months, the weight was back—from 135 up to 150. Summer ended, I broke up with the guy because I wanted something serious and he didn't, and all those "friends" I met over the summer vanished; they were just acquaintances. I spiraled right back into the cycle of binging and purging. I'd go to the grocery store, buy nothing but junk food, gorge myself, and then purge multiple times in a single day. For the entire month of December, I didn't attend lectures or see anyone; I just ate and stayed shut in. My daily routine was waking up (praying I wouldn't), hitting a bakery, interacting only virtually because I'm terrified of being judged by people, eating, and occasionally purging amidst feelings of sadness, disappointment, and anxiety. My grades tanked; I really let myself down. During the holidays, I practically stuffed myself constantly. I was eating every thirty minutes if not less. I hit 170 lbs. Whenever my mom or anyone at home asks what's wrong, I stay silent and pretend everything is fine. The words just won't come out. Now, I have no energy left, and I know I'm responsible for this. Sometimes suicidal thoughts cross my mind because I feel like I can't open up to anyone. I see the negative in everything. I joined a gym two days ago, but I have zero motivation. I find myself reading about different ways to end it online, wishing I had the courage to do it so I wouldn't have to worry about my parents. I have no will to live. Please, if you can give me any advice. I know killing myself or grieving every day isn't the solution, but I'm just exhausted. I don't know what's happening to me; it feels like I'm running in circles. I'm fighting myself every day, and I'm genuinely scared I might do something drastic. I've reached for pills twice, but I stopped because of the sheer panic and the "what if I survive" feeling. I don't have friends I can talk to, and even if I did, I don't think I'm good company. I can't even bring myself to laugh sincerely anymore. I thought about seeking professional help, but my current roommate's brother works at the local psychiatric hospital, which is the only facility in my city, and I'm too ashamed to go there. Maybe a campus counselor? I am so ashamed of myself. My self-esteem is at zero. Everything is a struggle, and I don't know how to find motivation when I can't even stand myself.
Please help. I would be truly grateful to everyone. 😢

You absolutely need to get professional help—don't let the shame stop you, because that feeling will fade as you work through therapy, and that's what really matters! Be brave, you can do this!

Drew Bennett21 said:Hey sweetie,
you should really head over to the campus counselor.
And please, don't feel any kind of shame about it—honestly, helping people through stuff like this is literally what they're trained for, and besides, they’re legally required to keep everything you tell them strictly confidential.
Is there maybe a bigger city nearby you could hop on an Amtrak to reach, just in case it feels a little easier to seek out therapy there instead?
Just hang in there, okay?
The fact that you even reached out here shows me how much you truly want to get better, so seriously, bravo to you!
Please try to grab some professional help right away, before things start feeling way too heavy to carry.
I'm rooting for you so hard.

Thanks, Drew Bennett21. Honestly, I'm just a college student living on a shoestring budget; barely enough for groceries, let alone a train ticket. It's too complicated.
Do you think I should tell my parents? They have no idea what's going on. I'm also worried about how to bring up seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist—having to go to a GP for a referral feels daunting, especially since I live in a tiny town where news travels fast. I know someone who went to therapy and had a short hospital stay, and the whole town was talking about it within hours.

fadedbear92 said:You absolutely need to get professional help—don't let the shame stop you, because that feeling will fade as you work through therapy, and that's what really matters! Be brave, you can do this!

Thanks, Rejoflajt.
You have no idea the kind of fear I'm dealing with or how much it weighs on me.
I just can't do this anymore. Every single day is the same.
😕

I am certainly no psychologist—nor would I ever care to be—but I did read this. So, listen, you suicidal soul—this is all just rambling! (I have no idea how to help you).

What happened at eighteen that changed your entire life? Do you still have friends from high school? You should try to see them at least once in a while. It isn’t necessary to hang out constantly—that isn't a real metric for friendship—and honestly, it can be a hassle anyway. There is a certain value in talking to someone you practically grew up with; those kinds of friendships hit differently than the ones you make later in life.

Sports don't hold your interest for long; clearly, that isn't your thing, so don't beat yourself up over it (regardless of how "healthy" it might be—there is an endless stream of health advice that we all just ignore). Perhaps you have a talent for something else. Write a story about a girl who overdosed on pills and failed—you surely have a few ideas regarding the terrible things that could happen to her in life. You've written extensively about food, weight, and vomiting; personally, eating disorders have never particularly impressed me—I view them as secondary phenomena, or perhaps I just don't understand them. Regardless, I won't dwell on it.

You should try occasionally, in moderation, reaching out to friends from your "carefree days." Forget the sports and find a hobby you can do at home at a desk without having to clench your jaw. It’s easier for men in that regard, since we have PC games—something women usually aren't interested in. Not even pornography. I don't even know why people buy computers in the first place. You can just lounge on a forum and give unsolicited advice to people. (Just nothing psychological—because when you read too much about illnesses, you start seeing symptoms everywhere). And are you sleeping well? (Pills?) Maybe that is why you are so exhausted by everything. It drives me crazy seeing so many young girls on medication. It isn't a jab at you; I'm just observing. Also, do you enjoy cooking if you enjoy eating? That is a massive asset these days (and it will only become more vital!) because young people today are terrible cooks. You could teach people how to prepare meals (in a future sense—if you are interested in food: post an ad saying "$17 I will teach you how to make beef stew" and four people show up, and for $67 you teach them how to make beef stew).

Look, you basically answered your own question. Your problem is that one specific thing from your past that left a massive scar you can't just scrub away. Everything you're doing to yourself right now is just a fallout from that moment. Until you deal with that head-on, you aren't moving forward—your endless cycle of failed attempts proves it. You know this deep down. You need to pin down exactly what happened, how it messed you up, and how to fix it.
Also, since you brought up suicidal thoughts, I have to suggest getting professional help. Even if you backed away from the edge in time, it shows you're drowning in the aftermath of whatever happened. Your eating habits—the starving followed by the bingeing—are red flags too. Those might be issues on their own, but they all stem from the same dark root.

As for fixing this, you really need to see someone. You have to realize that nobody else in this world matters as much as you do. Who cares what people think if doing this actually fixes your life, brings back your happiness, and gets you back on track? Honestly, you should be proud of wanting to change; it shows you actually give a damn about yourself. Think about how much better things will be on the flip side. Imagine a future where you're actually happy. You're clearly a social person, and I truly believe you'll find a solid circle of friends—maybe even a good guy—one day, so don't lose hope. And if people in your town won't stop talking? You're young. Once you finish college, you can just grab a job and start a whole new life far away from all of them.

Should you tell your parents? From what I gather, you didn't explain why you dropped out of college well enough, so their reaction ended up being pretty ridiculous. And regarding those "expectations" you mentioned—every decent set of parents has expectations. The question is whether they're overdoing it. But since you didn't give them the full story, I can't tell you exactly how they'll react, but here are two ways to look at it:
Don't say anything if you're certain they'll just judge you or try to ban you from seeing a therapist.
Do tell them if you think they'll actually listen and support you.
The bottom line is you're doing this for you and your health—both mental and physical, because your body eventually keeps score of all that weight fluctuation. Your parents and your hometown shouldn't have any say in this decision. They're just background noise.

Kyle Harris7 said:Look, you basically answered your own question. Your problem is that one specific thing from your past that left a massive scar you can't just scrub away. Everything you're doing to yourself right now is just a fallout from that moment. Until you deal with that head-on, you aren't moving forward—your endless cycle of failed attempts proves it. You know this deep down. You need to pin down exactly what happened, how it messed you up, and how to fix it.
Also, since you brought up suicidal thoughts, I have to suggest getting professional help. Even if you backed away from the edge in time, it shows you're drowning in the aftermath of whatever happened. Your eating habits—the starving followed by the bingeing—are red flags too. Those might be issues on their own, but they all stem from the same dark root.

As for fixing this, you really need to see someone. You have to realize that nobody else in this world matters as much as you do. Who cares what people think if doing this actually fixes your life, brings back your happiness, and gets you back on track? Honestly, you should be proud of wanting to change; it shows you actually give a damn about yourself. Think about how much better things will be on the flip side. Imagine a future where you're actually happy. You're clearly a social person, and I truly believe you'll find a solid circle of friends—maybe even a good guy—one day, so don't lose hope. And if people in your town won't stop talking? You're young. Once you finish college, you can just grab a job and start a whole new life far away from all of them.

Should you tell your parents? From what I gather, you didn't explain why you dropped out of college well enough, so their reaction ended up being pretty ridiculous. And regarding those "expectations" you mentioned—every decent set of parents has expectations. The question is whether they're overdoing it. But since you didn't give them the full story, I can't tell you exactly how they'll react, but here are two ways to look at it:
Don't say anything if you're certain they'll just judge you or try to ban you from seeing a therapist.
Do tell them if you think they'll actually listen and support you.
The bottom line is you're doing this for you and your health—both mental and physical, because your body eventually keeps score of all that weight fluctuation. Your parents and your hometown shouldn't have any say in this decision. They're just background noise.

I will definitely seek some help.
I'm aware of everything you wrote, Kyle Harris7. Regarding my parents, the thing is I don't live with them. Since I have a lot of freedom and am not overly tied to them, I don't share most of this with them. It feels stupid to "drop the bomb" now after being silent for so long. It’s not that they haven't noticed something is wrong, but there's always that tendency with them: "you'll figure it out yourself."

Look, you have to become your own ultimate power source. People drift in and out of your life constantly, but you’re the only constant you’ve got. That’s the bedrock of independence and real character—it's what lets you tune out the toxic noise from everyone else.
How do you actually build that? You can work with a therapist. Honestly, that should be one of the main goals of therapy: learning that you have the tools to solve your own problems.

Trust me, I went through psychotherapy myself, and it didn't take long before things started clicking. It gave me the confidence to actually get my life together. The only rule is you have to be completely transparent. Don't hold anything back. These professionals are legally bound by confidentiality, so just lay it all out there and be as detailed as possible about what's going on.

Kyle Harris7 said:Look, you have to become your own ultimate power source. People drift in and out of your life constantly, but you’re the only constant you’ve got. That’s the bedrock of independence and real character—it's what lets you tune out the toxic noise from everyone else.
How do you actually build that? You can work with a therapist. Honestly, that should be one of the main goals of therapy: learning that you have the tools to solve your own problems.

Trust me, I went through psychotherapy myself, and it didn't take long before things started clicking. It gave me the confidence to actually get my life together. The only rule is you have to be completely transparent. Don't hold anything back. These professionals are legally bound by confidentiality, so just lay it all out there and be as detailed as possible about what's going on.

How long were you in therapy?
Is it expensive or what?
A girl I know saw a counselor at her university and said the exact same thing—it helped her immensely. 🙂

So, I saw a private therapist back in the day. She hadn't even finished her degree yet—I think she was still working on her thesis or something—so...
I paid my way. That was the deal we made (I insisted on it, and she had some student loans to cover, so there you go).
The whole thing lasted about six months, give or take.
I can't tell you exactly how many sessions we had, but it didn't really matter. We shook out all the issues. What mattered was that she actually listened and guided me toward finding my own solutions. That’s the key. If they just fix your problems for you, you end up dependent on them every time something goes wrong. You have to learn to handle your own life.

Look, help is help. The most important part is having the actual desire to get better. Without that, psychoanalysis is just a waste of time; you need that drive to make it work.

Personally, I never felt the need to hide the fact that I saw a psychiatrist. I didn't go out and tattoo it on my forehead, obviously, but if someone asked, I told the truth. Different circles require different levels of discretion, so judge for yourself what to share. But once you start feeling the positive changes, you'll realize that going was worth every penny.

Hey David Ramos4,

Honestly, if I were you, I’d just print this whole post out and hand it straight to whichever doctor you end up seeing.
I think you managed to lay out your issues and how you're feeling with total honesty and precision, which is huge if you want to actually get some real help.
And don't freak out about where you're at right now—we've all hit rock bottom at some point, whether it's a small bump or a total meltdown; it's just part of being human.
Sometimes you can pull yourself out of the hole alone, and sometimes you need people—whether it's random folks on an online forum, professionals, or family.
Reaching out to us here is already a massive step; you've admitted to yourself that things aren't okay and that you need support.
The next move is definitely finding a psychologist.
I know getting started feels impossible when you're feeling this low, but man, you've gotta dig deep and fight for yourself.
When you're sinking, it feels like you'll never laugh again, but even the absolute worst chapters eventually end.
Sending you nothing but strength to go see that specialist.
Since you mentioned you don't have anyone close to lean on right now, just keep posting here.
We've got your back.

PS, and why not just "vent" to your own people about what's going on?
Let them know where your head is at so they don't expect too much from you until you're feeling more like yourself.
Right now, you just need peace and someone in your corner.

I know exactly how this feels... First and foremost, you have to stop the cycle of overeating and then purging. It will only lead to more weight gain, and you'll notice your salivary glands swelling up—it gives you that "bulldog" look—not to mention your hair thinning and becoming brittle, your nails weakening, and your complexion turning yellow. Your teeth will suffer from cavities because the stomach acid eats away at the enamel, and if you go too deep when trying to induce vomiting, you'll end up with sores in your throat; honestly, even a dentist would be able to tell you're struggling with bulimia. As for the damage to your internal organs, I won't even go there. I know exactly what I am talking about because I spent many years battling both anorexia and bulimia myself.

You are simply going through a particularly dark chapter in your life right now, which isn't unusual, and please believe me when I say you aren't alone in this. There are much heavier burdens people carry... What is your relationship like with your parents? Try to confide in them; you don't need to put on a brave face or pretend to be strong when you are hurting. If you feel like you need to take a gap year, then take it, but they won't understand or support that decision unless you explain the underlying reasons. Tell them you are dealing with an eating disorder; just lay it all out there. Once you open up to them, a massive weight will lift. From there, you can work together to find a psychiatrist who can provide the professional guidance you need.
Bulimia isn't something to be ashamed of or viewed as something "abnormal," other than the fact that it is absolutely treatable. Please, do not try to carry this burden by yourself; no man is an island.

Your parents love you deeply and would do anything to protect you; they certainly don't want to see you suffering. You are in pain, and you need help. You shouldn't have to endure this isolation, as staying silent only prolongs the agony. I know finding the strength to speak up feels nearly impossible, but once you start talking, the words will flow, and I promise you will feel better.

The first step is coming clean to them, and then you can figure out the next steps. If you need to move back home for a while, do it. Your health is the absolute priority here, and you must realize that bulimia is merely a symptom of something much deeper. You haven't done anything wrong, and you aren't to blame for any of this; you are simply ill. Think of it this way: if you were diagnosed with cancer, would you hide that from your parents who are always there for you?

I am keeping my fingers crossed for you and truly wishing you nothing but the best, because I genuinely feel for you.

And why on earth do you think your weight is such a massive deal?
Do you honestly believe you don't have any other qualities to attract people besides your size—or more likely, just your looks?
I’m asking this because of this comment:

David Ramos4 said:Hi..
I've been thinking about joining this forum for days now. It seems everyone here is actually engaged and offers real advice. I’m looking for some honest, objective perspective and advice...

I'm a college student who moved out at fourteen. I lived in a dorm and life was pretty carefree until I turned eighteen, when one specific event changed everything. That's when the struggle with weight began. There were periods where I worked out constantly and watched every bite, followed by phases where I would spiral and overeat until I hit a breaking point of physical discomfort and total self-loathing. Later, I moved to a different city for university and started a completely new life. That’s when the loneliness, isolation, and anxiety set in. I thought I was someone who could adapt to anything, so I assumed this was just a passing phase. But the days passed, and my dissatisfaction only grew. I hated the city I moved to; I went to class, but only because I felt I had to distract myself from my own head. Then came the first episodes of purging and crying. I remember it vividly. On my birthday, sitting alone in the kitchen, listening to music and just weeping... then suddenly heading to the bathroom to purge. That lasted three months. The worst part was going home to visit family and having to hide in the bathroom, trying to purge quietly to mask my frustration. I never told them anything; they always had such high expectations of me. When I told my mom I wanted to drop out of school, take a gap year, and figure things out, she just called me a coward for giving up before even trying. Everything shifted again after winter break. I started exercising again, tried to be social, and focused on my studies. My confidence returned. A month later, through a series of events, I moved into an apartment with a roommate, found a boyfriend, and things seemed to improve. As the days went by, I lost weight. I went from 150 lbs down to 136 lbs in four months. It wasn't just diet; I was obsessed with working out. My roommate actually told me she was worried because it looked like I was starving myself. She even mentioned anorexia a few times. I wasn't aiming for that; I just finally felt good about myself. Eventually, I broke up with my boyfriend, moved out due to the distance, and took a summer job. I met new people, a new guy, and fell back into a routine without the exercise. In fact, I started binge eating constantly, though I didn't care at the time. Within a few months, the weight was back—from 135 up to 150. Summer ended, I broke up with the guy because I wanted something serious and he didn't, and all those "friends" I met over the summer vanished; they were just acquaintances. I spiraled right back into the cycle of binging and purging. I'd go to the grocery store, buy nothing but junk food, gorge myself, and then purge multiple times in a single day. For the entire month of December, I didn't attend lectures or see anyone; I just ate and stayed shut in. My daily routine was waking up (praying I wouldn't), hitting a bakery, interacting only virtually because I'm terrified of being judged by people, eating, and occasionally purging amidst feelings of sadness, disappointment, and anxiety. My grades tanked; I really let myself down. During the holidays, I practically stuffed myself constantly. I was eating every thirty minutes if not less. I hit 170 lbs. Whenever my mom or anyone at home asks what's wrong, I stay silent and pretend everything is fine. The words just won't come out. Now, I have no energy left, and I know I'm responsible for this. Sometimes suicidal thoughts cross my mind because I feel like I can't open up to anyone. I see the negative in everything. I joined a gym two days ago, but I have zero motivation. I find myself reading about different ways to end it online, wishing I had the courage to do it so I wouldn't have to worry about my parents. I have no will to live. Please, if you can give me any advice. I know killing myself or grieving every day isn't the solution, but I'm just exhausted. I don't know what's happening to me; it feels like I'm running in circles. I'm fighting myself every day, and I'm genuinely scared I might do something drastic. I've reached for pills twice, but I stopped because of the sheer panic and the "what if I survive" feeling. I don't have friends I can talk to, and even if I did, I don't think I'm good company. I can't even bring myself to laugh sincerely anymore. I thought about seeking professional help, but my current roommate's brother works at the local psychiatric hospital, which is the only facility in my city, and I'm too ashamed to go there. Maybe a campus counselor? I am so ashamed of myself. My self-esteem is at zero. Everything is a struggle, and I don't know how to find motivation when I can't even stand myself.
Please help. I would be truly grateful to everyone. 😢

Your issue isn't the weight; your real problem is that you lack genuine friendships, you've emotionally checked out from your close family because they expect too much, and you are being freaking brutal on yourself...
If you could just occasionally forgive yourself for gaining 10 or 15 pounds due to the season or just being busy studying—which really isn't the end of the world—you wouldn't feel the need to hide away at home, and you wouldn't be adding all this extra misery on top of it...
Clearly, exercise does you good, so maybe just lean into that...

I still haven't been able to figure out if you're overeating out of sheer boredom or because of anxious hunger pangs?

David Ramos4 said:Hi..
I've been thinking about joining this forum for days now. It seems everyone here is actually engaged and offers real advice. I’m looking for some honest, objective perspective and advice...

I'm a college student who moved out at fourteen. I lived in a dorm and life was pretty carefree until I turned eighteen, when one specific event changed everything. That's when the struggle with weight began. There were periods where I worked out constantly and watched every bite, followed by phases where I would spiral and overeat until I hit a breaking point of physical discomfort and total self-loathing. Later, I moved to a different city for university and started a completely new life. That’s when the loneliness, isolation, and anxiety set in. I thought I was someone who could adapt to anything, so I assumed this was just a passing phase. But the days passed, and my dissatisfaction only grew. I hated the city I moved to; I went to class, but only because I felt I had to distract myself from my own head. Then came the first episodes of purging and crying. I remember it vividly. On my birthday, sitting alone in the kitchen, listening to music and just weeping... then suddenly heading to the bathroom to purge. That lasted three months. The worst part was going home to visit family and having to hide in the bathroom, trying to purge quietly to mask my frustration. I never told them anything; they always had such high expectations of me. When I told my mom I wanted to drop out of school, take a gap year, and figure things out, she just called me a coward for giving up before even trying. Everything shifted again after winter break. I started exercising again, tried to be social, and focused on my studies. My confidence returned. A month later, through a series of events, I moved into an apartment with a roommate, found a boyfriend, and things seemed to improve. As the days went by, I lost weight. I went from 150 lbs down to 136 lbs in four months. It wasn't just diet; I was obsessed with working out. My roommate actually told me she was worried because it looked like I was starving myself. She even mentioned anorexia a few times. I wasn't aiming for that; I just finally felt good about myself. Eventually, I broke up with my boyfriend, moved out due to the distance, and took a summer job. I met new people, a new guy, and fell back into a routine without the exercise. In fact, I started binge eating constantly, though I didn't care at the time. Within a few months, the weight was back—from 135 up to 150. Summer ended, I broke up with the guy because I wanted something serious and he didn't, and all those "friends" I met over the summer vanished; they were just acquaintances. I spiraled right back into the cycle of binging and purging. I'd go to the grocery store, buy nothing but junk food, gorge myself, and then purge multiple times in a single day. For the entire month of December, I didn't attend lectures or see anyone; I just ate and stayed shut in. My daily routine was waking up (praying I wouldn't), hitting a bakery, interacting only virtually because I'm terrified of being judged by people, eating, and occasionally purging amidst feelings of sadness, disappointment, and anxiety. My grades tanked; I really let myself down. During the holidays, I practically stuffed myself constantly. I was eating every thirty minutes if not less. I hit 170 lbs. Whenever my mom or anyone at home asks what's wrong, I stay silent and pretend everything is fine. The words just won't come out. Now, I have no energy left, and I know I'm responsible for this. Sometimes suicidal thoughts cross my mind because I feel like I can't open up to anyone. I see the negative in everything. I joined a gym two days ago, but I have zero motivation. I find myself reading about different ways to end it online, wishing I had the courage to do it so I wouldn't have to worry about my parents. I have no will to live. Please, if you can give me any advice. I know killing myself or grieving every day isn't the solution, but I'm just exhausted. I don't know what's happening to me; it feels like I'm running in circles. I'm fighting myself every day, and I'm genuinely scared I might do something drastic. I've reached for pills twice, but I stopped because of the sheer panic and the "what if I survive" feeling. I don't have friends I can talk to, and even if I did, I don't think I'm good company. I can't even bring myself to laugh sincerely anymore. I thought about seeking professional help, but my current roommate's brother works at the local psychiatric hospital, which is the only facility in my city, and I'm too ashamed to go there. Maybe a campus counselor? I am so ashamed of myself. My self-esteem is at zero. Everything is a struggle, and I don't know how to find motivation when I can't even stand myself.
Please help. I would be truly grateful to everyone. 😢

And are you purging out of guilt because you "let yourself go" too much, or is it an attempt to mask your internal mental state and dissatisfaction from the outside?
Please, just answer me...
I believe you're struggling with the stress of having to be somewhere and do things—living in a city that doesn't suit you and attending a college you aren't even sure you're interested in (mostly just to satisfy your parents)—all while being unable to talk to them about any of it and having to pretend everything is perfectly fine...
Besides, wouldn't this whole situation be a lot less unbearable if you had managed to find a crew at that college that actually fits you, so you could support one another? Wouldn't it?

If I were in your shoes, I'd take a long, hard look at how much I actually care about this degree and future career versus how much of this is just about the people and your struggle to adapt to new circumstances...
If you actually *do* like the major, isn't there a chance to transfer to the same program somewhere else in the States, maybe in a city where the environment feels better?
You have to solve this question before you give up:
Is the problem the actual studies, or is the problem that the people associated with the school and the living situation make you hate the whole experience?
Is this urge you have to just quit—or maybe just hit the pause button—actually a genuine expression of what you want, or is it something else entirely?

crimsoncanyon2 said:And why on earth do you think your weight is such a massive deal?
Do you honestly believe you don't have any other qualities to attract people besides your size—or more likely, just your looks?
I’m asking this because of this comment:

Your issue isn't the weight; your real problem is that you lack genuine friendships, you've emotionally checked out from your close family because they expect too much, and you are being freaking brutal on yourself...
If you could just occasionally forgive yourself for gaining 10 or 15 pounds due to the season or just being busy studying—which really isn't the end of the world—you wouldn't feel the need to hide away at home, and you wouldn't be adding all this extra misery on top of it...
Clearly, exercise does you good, so maybe just lean into that...

I still haven't been able to figure out if you're overeating out of sheer boredom or because of anxious hunger pangs?

And are you purging out of guilt because you "let yourself go" too much, or is it an attempt to mask your internal mental state and dissatisfaction from the outside?
Please, just answer me...
I believe you're struggling with the stress of having to be somewhere and do things—living in a city that doesn't suit you and attending a college you aren't even sure you're interested in (mostly just to satisfy your parents)—all while being unable to talk to them about any of it and having to pretend everything is perfectly fine...
Besides, wouldn't this whole situation be a lot less unbearable if you had managed to find a crew at that college that actually fits you, so you could support one another? Wouldn't it?

If I were in your shoes, I'd take a long, hard look at how much I actually care about this degree and future career versus how much of this is just about the people and your struggle to adapt to new circumstances...
If you actually *do* like the major, isn't there a chance to transfer to the same program somewhere else in the States, maybe in a city where the environment feels better?
You have to solve this question before you give up:
Is the problem the actual studies, or is the problem that the people associated with the school and the living situation make you hate the whole experience?
Is this urge you have to just quit—or maybe just hit the pause button—actually a genuine expression of what you want, or is it something else entirely?

First of all, thank you all so much for the advice and support.
I should clarify that lately, purging hasn't been the main issue;
rather, it's an obsession with food and binge eating.
Purging was happening because of feelings of rejection and my own restlessness
and internal anxiety. Occasionally, guilt would surface,
but not nearly as much as everything else tied to external factors
like the inability to resolve my own inner turmoil.
Last year, I tried to transfer to another city where my sister goes to school,
but because of my financial situation (I would have had to pay tuition or whatever they call it there, whereas here I study for free). What is worst of all, and what eats at me day after day, is the fact that I can't concentrate or study because my parents are constantly in my head, and I worry about how much money they are giving me just so I can become someone—basically, so I can get my life together.
I don't know what to tell you; it was the same situation again this morning. Right now, I'm living in an apartment
where I don't feel comfortable. My roommate is not my type; she brings so much negative energy into my life.
The problem is that I've forgotten what it feels like to live and actually have inner peace.

David Ramos4 said:First of all, thank you all so much for the advice and support.
I should clarify that lately, purging hasn't been the main issue;
rather, it's an obsession with food and binge eating.
Purging was happening because of feelings of rejection and my own restlessness
and internal anxiety. Occasionally, guilt would surface,
but not nearly as much as everything else tied to external factors
like the inability to resolve my own inner turmoil.
Last year, I tried to transfer to another city where my sister goes to school,
but because of my financial situation (I would have had to pay tuition or whatever they call it there, whereas here I study for free). What is worst of all, and what eats at me day after day, is the fact that I can't concentrate or study because my parents are constantly in my head, and I worry about how much money they are giving me just so I can become someone—basically, so I can get my life together.
I don't know what to tell you; it was the same situation again this morning. Right now, I'm living in an apartment
where I don't feel comfortable. My roommate is not my type; she brings so much negative energy into my life.
The problem is that I've forgotten what it feels like to live and actually have inner peace.

If I were in your shoes, I would have chosen the work-study route from the start—even if it was just picking up shifts once every few months. And honestly? That idea of moving to a new city doesn't sound bad to me at all. You'd have your sister there, whereas right now, you're out here by yourself and—to make matters worse—stuck in an apartment with someone who totally drains you...
Besides, you wouldn't be alone in that struggle; tons of college students work to get by, so there's a much better chance you'll find people you actually vibe with...

If you're feeling lost in the moment, just wander the city, walk to the furthest corner store, whatever—just avoid sitting in the kitchen moping around.

You honestly just need to swallow your pride and go talk to a professional about this. Once you actually get it off your chest, you’ll feel the weight lift immediately. I also think David Ramos4 is spot on—it would do you a massive amount of good to get out of the house more often and get out there with other people
.

So, how are things going with your sister lately?
I was just wondering, how is she handling all the money stuff for her college tuition?
Do you think you could maybe write her an email? I mean, you’re honestly so good at putting your feelings into words, it’s pretty obvious since you always express everything you're going through so clearly.
And do you think she’d be able to give you some support right now?

Drew Bennett21 said:So, how are things going with your sister lately?
I was just wondering, how is she handling all the money stuff for her college tuition?
Do you think you could maybe write her an email? I mean, you’re honestly so good at putting your feelings into words, it’s pretty obvious since you always express everything you're going through so clearly.
And do you think she’d be able to give you some support right now?

We’re very close. We talk every day, and she’s a huge source of support for me. That said, I don't tell her everything—specifically regarding the vomiting or binge eating, though she knows bits and pieces. Over the holidays, she noticed things were getting serious; she actually suggested I might be dealing with mild depression and urged me to seek help. So, I've decided to see a campus counselor tomorrow, since yesterday was my breaking point. I took some pills and slept the entire day away. I promised myself I'll never do that again. Not ever.

As for her college costs, my parents cover her tuition. In her situation, there really isn't any other option.