Dealing with a terminally ill mother and a difficult father

Just two years ago, I honestly thought I had the perfect family. Everything fell apart the second I found out my mom was seriously ill. Living with the reality that she could pass away any given day—and knowing her life would basically be a cycle of hospital visits—was a total nightmare. For a 17-year-old, it was a massive shock, and my sister was only 13 at the time. We managed to scrape by, but things hit rock bottom when Mom had her first brain surgery. There were major complications, but they discharged her after just two days claiming everything was fine. The problem? They didn't give her the blood thinners the doctor strictly ordered for three months post-op. When she finally got home, we tried to stay positive. We ate pizza and celebrated, even though we spent the holidays stuck in the hospital. Then, tragedy struck. On her very first night back home, Mom suffered a stroke. She survived, but the next three months were brutal. Her entire left side was paralyzed—no movement in her arm or leg, no walking, no bladder control, nothing. Luckily, she recovered a ton after those three months. Even the doctors at the hospital were shocked at how much progress she made thanks to our support. Fast forward to now: Mom is doing okay—she’s still the smart, kind, brave woman she’s always been—but she’s miserable. She has to go back for more dangerous tests, and who knows what happens next. My dad is a complete idiot. He’s a big shot in our city, holds some kind of local power, and he's incredibly arrogant, acting like he's 20 years old. He's gone all night, every night; I'm certain he's having an affair. Mom suspects it too, which breaks her heart. I can't sleep. You can see by the timestamp that I'm typing this on my phone in bed in the middle of the night. I am mentally exhausted and terrified I'm going to lose it. The worst part? This man actually says things about wanting Mom to die. He talks about bringing a new woman into the house. I spend my whole day fighting with him. Ever since I did some digging online and realized he's cheating, I just don't love him or respect him as a father anymore. But my biggest fear is for Mom. I feel like he's killing her, and it scares the hell out of me. Mom isn't allowed to get stressed, yet she loves him so much while he acts like a total jerk. I'm terrified she'll lose her will to live. I'm scared he's going to destroy her mentally. He practically waits for her to go back to the hospital like he's happy about it. I don't know what to do. I love my mom more than anything in this world. I'd do anything for her. She means everything to me. You only get one mother.

150 views and zero replies? Am I actually screwed here??

urbanfox15 said:150 views and zero replies? Am I actually screwed here??

There is definitely hope! Honestly, my best advice? Go see a therapist. You’re living in a constant state of high alert, and it’s clearly wrecking your sleep. You need a safe space—someone you can actually trust—to just vent and dump all that heavy stuff you've been bottling up. Having a professional to talk through this rough patch with makes a world of difference.
Look, your hands are tied when it comes to the situation with your mom, but please, try not to let things boil over with your dad either. Everyone deals with hardship differently—and I'm not making excuses for him—but maybe he's just acting out because he's scared. Sometimes people lean into politics just to feel like they have some semblance of control when everything else is falling apart.
Focus your energy on supporting your mom and sister. There’s really no point in picking fights with your dad about how he acts; it just drags you into a conflict that won't help you or your mom in the long run.

Hang in there. When life hits you this hard, it takes so much grit just to say, "I don't know how to do this, I need help."
A pro can give you the support you deserve.

@urbanfox15
I am sorry about your mother. You are right; a mother is a mother. Based on your post, it seems you two are quite close. Since you mentioned she is currently cognitively sound and lucid, I suggest having an honest conversation with her about the situation. Her illness and upcoming tests don't preclude her from wanting positive changes or a better quality of life. She needs support now more than ever. Talk to her. Ask what she wants, tell her what you need, and let her know you love and support her.

weary29 made a valid point regarding your father. He is clearly set in his ways, and you won't change him. There is no sense in engaging in conflict or subjecting yourself and others to unnecessary stress; it is a waste of energy that yields no results. Focus on your mother and encourage her toward making changes.

Would it perhaps be better if the three of you were on your own? Would that create a healthier, less stressful environment for your mother? Only those living in that household can truly answer that question...

Stay strong.🙂

urbanfox15 said:Just two years ago, I honestly thought I had the perfect family. Everything fell apart the second I found out my mom was seriously ill. Living with the reality that she could pass away any given day—and knowing her life would basically be a cycle of hospital visits—was a total nightmare. For a 17-year-old, it was a massive shock, and my sister was only 13 at the time. We managed to scrape by, but things hit rock bottom when Mom had her first brain surgery. There were major complications, but they discharged her after just two days claiming everything was fine. The problem? They didn't give her the blood thinners the doctor strictly ordered for three months post-op. When she finally got home, we tried to stay positive. We ate pizza and celebrated, even though we spent the holidays stuck in the hospital. Then, tragedy struck. On her very first night back home, Mom suffered a stroke. She survived, but the next three months were brutal. Her entire left side was paralyzed—no movement in her arm or leg, no walking, no bladder control, nothing. Luckily, she recovered a ton after those three months. Even the doctors at the hospital were shocked at how much progress she made thanks to our support. Fast forward to now: Mom is doing okay—she’s still the smart, kind, brave woman she’s always been—but she’s miserable. She has to go back for more dangerous tests, and who knows what happens next. My dad is a complete idiot. He’s a big shot in our city, holds some kind of local power, and he's incredibly arrogant, acting like he's 20 years old. He's gone all night, every night; I'm certain he's having an affair. Mom suspects it too, which breaks her heart. I can't sleep. You can see by the timestamp that I'm typing this on my phone in bed in the middle of the night. I am mentally exhausted and terrified I'm going to lose it. The worst part? This man actually says things about wanting Mom to die. He talks about bringing a new woman into the house. I spend my whole day fighting with him. Ever since I did some digging online and realized he's cheating, I just don't love him or respect him as a father anymore. But my biggest fear is for Mom. I feel like he's killing her, and it scares the hell out of me. Mom isn't allowed to get stressed, yet she loves him so much while he acts like a total jerk. I'm terrified she'll lose her will to live. I'm scared he's going to destroy her mentally. He practically waits for her to go back to the hospital like he's happy about it. I don't know what to do. I love my mom more than anything in this world. I'd do anything for her. She means everything to me. You only get one mother.

There isn’t much point in trying to find profound wisdom here—I’ve lived through this exact same script. In my family, after a disastrous marriage, my mother’s health completely collapsed; she struggled through a long illness before passing away (and I truly hope your mother doesn't have to go through that). As for my father—well, he barely even looked at his kids before finding a new woman just a few days later. I refused to play along with that, and honestly, I made things pretty difficult for him—though I’m sure our relatives thought he was in the right, simply because "he's the father" and you're supposed to respect him no matter what. Personally, I couldn't care less about what the neighbors or extended family think. After years of seeing exactly what kind of man he really is, I finally had to implement the only language he actually understands—the language of strength. I stepped in to protect our inheritance, and we’re doing fine now; he’s peaceful, which is probably for the best since he’s pushing eighty. The bottom line is this: stick together, and don't waste your breath on an idiot. You hit the nail on the head with your observation—she’s clearly a nuisance to him, he doesn't care about his children, and he almost certainly already has someone else lined up. Just a word of caution: don't count on any inheritance if your mother passes away first. The only way to secure anything is if she signs her entire portion over to you while she's still around. Under standard US probate laws, two children would typically only get a sixth share each during the settlement process—and even then, you wouldn't see a dime until the father eventually passes. So you've got two parts from Dad plus four parts from Mom—that makes six total. My own mother didn't get her affairs in order, and honestly, she left us completely stranded. Please, don't let your mother make the same mistake by letting this piece of work walk away with her share just because she isn't up to speed on the legalities. You need to call some lawyers immediately. It’s really the only way to push back against someone acting this dishonestly. In my opinion, Mom should designate her entire portion of the estate directly to you kids. Life can be incredibly harsh if you aren't prepared. Good luck to you all!😉

Man, things are getting seriously heavy...

wearyowl29 said:There is definitely hope! Honestly, my best advice? Go see a therapist. You’re living in a constant state of high alert, and it’s clearly wrecking your sleep. You need a safe space—someone you can actually trust—to just vent and dump all that heavy stuff you've been bottling up. Having a professional to talk through this rough patch with makes a world of difference.
Look, your hands are tied when it comes to the situation with your mom, but please, try not to let things boil over with your dad either. Everyone deals with hardship differently—and I'm not making excuses for him—but maybe he's just acting out because he's scared. Sometimes people lean into politics just to feel like they have some semblance of control when everything else is falling apart.
Focus your energy on supporting your mom and sister. There’s really no point in picking fights with your dad about how he acts; it just drags you into a conflict that won't help you or your mom in the long run.

Hang in there. When life hits you this hard, it takes so much grit just to say, "I don't know how to do this, I need help."
A pro can give you the support you deserve.

I’m looking for a therapist, a psychologist, anyone—but they have to be GOOD. I don't need just anyone. I really need someone solid because my life is a total mess right now and I can't find a way out. Where do I even find a pro??! How much does it cost?? I'm dealing with massive stress every single day and I know it's destroying my health. I've been stuck in this cycle of stress and depression for two years straight..
To start, I'm going to buy this:
and take 2x 32 tablets (following the label, obviously) just to try and steady myself and kill some of this fatigue. If I don't, I'm going to tank my college classes, and I really don't want that... I pay for school myself and I'm busting my ass for it... plus, private college isn't cheap.
Fighting with my dad is impossible. It's like he wants her dead; he's actually happy Mom is heading to the hospital soon... it's like he's already looking for a new wife. I can't stand it. I don't even see him as a father anymore, just some idiot! I can't accept him as a parent. Mom needs all the attention right now, and he's acting like absolute trash! He's constantly snapping at her, at us—he's gone for hours every day, pretending he's at work or hanging with friends, but honestly? He's definitely somewhere else 10000% of the time. His excuses are so transparent they're pathetic.
Every time he says he's going somewhere, I lose it. I can barely control myself.. I found out stuff about him that's so pathetic I can't even describe it.. basically.. I saw his Facebook messages to some anonymous account where he was arranging hookups with other couples. You can imagine the shock. I am so disgusted by him. I'm so furious I almost wish it was him who was sick instead of Mom. My mom is a saint, she wouldn't hurt a fly, and then there's him, being such a creep!

@driftinggull21 - Mom and I are close, though truth be told, she probably should be helping me more with certain things. But with the way life moves these days, I rarely have the time. I'm doing my best.
You're probably right about the old man, but seriously, controlling myself is nearly impossible.. because I know too much about how pathetic he is to just let it go.. I read his messages on Facebook to some random person, setting up dates with other couples. You can imagine the shock and how much he's disgusted me. I'm livid. I'd rather it be him in the hospital than Mom. My mom is an angel, she wouldn't step on an ant, and he's just a piece of work!
And yeah, it would be better if it were just us, and her. As for my sister, I don't know, she's just like him and always defends him.. But Mom has told me a few times, "We're stuck with him, we have nowhere else to go," which pretty much tells you everything you need to know.

analogpanther5 said:There isn’t much point in trying to find profound wisdom here—I’ve lived through this exact same script. In my family, after a disastrous marriage, my mother’s health completely collapsed; she struggled through a long illness before passing away (and I truly hope your mother doesn't have to go through that). As for my father—well, he barely even looked at his kids before finding a new woman just a few days later. I refused to play along with that, and honestly, I made things pretty difficult for him—though I’m sure our relatives thought he was in the right, simply because "he's the father" and you're supposed to respect him no matter what. Personally, I couldn't care less about what the neighbors or extended family think. After years of seeing exactly what kind of man he really is, I finally had to implement the only language he actually understands—the language of strength. I stepped in to protect our inheritance, and we’re doing fine now; he’s peaceful, which is probably for the best since he’s pushing eighty. The bottom line is this: stick together, and don't waste your breath on an idiot. You hit the nail on the head with your observation—she’s clearly a nuisance to him, he doesn't care about his children, and he almost certainly already has someone else lined up. Just a word of caution: don't count on any inheritance if your mother passes away first. The only way to secure anything is if she signs her entire portion over to you while she's still around. Under standard US probate laws, two children would typically only get a sixth share each during the settlement process—and even then, you wouldn't see a dime until the father eventually passes. So you've got two parts from Dad plus four parts from Mom—that makes six total. My own mother didn't get her affairs in order, and honestly, she left us completely stranded. Please, don't let your mother make the same mistake by letting this piece of work walk away with her share just because she isn't up to speed on the legalities. You need to call some lawyers immediately. It’s really the only way to push back against someone acting this dishonestly. In my opinion, Mom should designate her entire portion of the estate directly to you kids. Life can be incredibly harsh if you aren't prepared. Good luck to you all!😉

What happened to your mom? I don't know what's going on, but men lose their minds in their 40s. It starts in the early 40s... I know tons of examples of marriages falling apart like this when guys hit that age. Regarding the money, like I mentioned above, we don't have much. We just have a plot of land and an apartment we're still paying off. I don't even know whose name is on the land, but I don't care—it's not like we're loaded. I don't want the money or anything, I just want my mom! I want her to feel like she did before, like we need her, instead of losing her will to live because of some loser! I need her! I can't do this without her.

urbanfox15 said:What happened to your mom? I don't know what's going on, but men lose their minds in their 40s. It starts in the early 40s... I know tons of examples of marriages falling apart like this when guys hit that age. Regarding the money, like I mentioned above, we don't have much. We just have a plot of land and an apartment we're still paying off. I don't even know whose name is on the land, but I don't care—it's not like we're loaded. I don't want the money or anything, I just want my mom! I want her to feel like she did before, like we need her, instead of losing her will to live because of some loser! I need her! I can't do this without her.

My mother had cancer. And of course, I wasn't thinking about inheritance either; my brother and I actually laughed when she told us, "Kids, call a lawyer, he’s going to get remarried!!" Looking back, that laughter turned pretty bitter, pretty fast. We essentially lost both parents with my mom's passing, because he was just a complete idiot whom she alone managed to keep "in line"—but she ended up paying the ultimate price for it. My dad wasn't even as bad as yours (you know, all that nonsense with mistresses and other women) while Mom was alive, but once she passed—good grief—it was nothing but pure embarrassment dealing with him. Of course, the very next day, he started hunting for women—and treating us kids like garbage in the process! Naturally, he went straight for the 25-year-olds, which is practically the same age as me and my brother. You really have my respect for fighting through this, keeping up with college, and everything else—best of luck! P.S. Your mom definitely knows what's happening; she's likely seen plenty of cases like this in her lifetime. Just talk to her.