#1 ·
Here is how the situation stands. I will begin by providing some context regarding my own background because I am genuinely in need of guidance. Historically, I have never formed deep emotional attachments; my relationships have typically been limited to casual flings, one-night stands, or platonic friendships with women. I have never experienced falling in love to the point where I desired a deeper commitment with someone. I am a relatively standard twenty-one-year-old man, though perhaps not entirely so. I value my solitude—not out of social anxiety, but because I have faced too many disappointments in the past—even though I maintain a wide circle of acquaintances. Regardless, those details are secondary.
Then she entered my life. She was incredibly arrogant, haughty, and self-assured; for the first time, I felt as though I had lost control of my own life, as if someone else were pulling all the strings. It is easy to say you shouldn't let someone manipulate you, but when you are actually experiencing it, the reality is much more difficult to navigate. Gradually, we began spending more time together. I would go to her place, and we would spend the night in the same bed, staying half-dressed, yet there was absolutely no physical intimacy between us. She is quite perceptive, to put it mildly, and she clearly understood how to maintain control over our dynamic. She would make claims that we would never be a couple because she didn't view me in a sexual light or find me attractive, and even though I knew she was playing games, those denials only intensified my desire for her. Later, we attended a party together, and I sensed something was fundamentally wrong, though I couldn't quite put my finger on it at the time. After some sort of commotion at the event, we ended up back at my apartment around 6:00 AM, where we slept and woke up fully clothed.
It felt as though everything was falling perfectly into place.
Two weeks later, she went through a period of intense instability and attempted to end her life. She failed. She came to stay with me in a different city for two weeks. During that time, I played every role imaginable: the knight in shining armor, the servant, and the lover all at once. We walked for hours, cooked meals together, shared cigarettes, and had sex every single day. It was, without question, the best sex of my life. Looking back, I realize she had been conditioning me for this through movies, music, and her specific way of speaking.
During one particular evening within those two weeks, things escalated. We had an argument that resulted in much of the apartment being trashed; she cut her arm—not deeply, but enough—and threatened to kill herself again. It was chaos; she was spiraling, and I was losing my mind. I retreated to my room, but she followed me, calling out to me and attempting to come downstairs. I looked at her and asked what on earth she thought she was doing, pointing out the damage she had caused, but she simply denied it and told me not to lie. The argument bled into intimacy, and we spent the next two hours having sex. At one point, I was lying on my back while she knelt over me, and we were talking. Suddenly, she collapsed beside me, almost as if she had lost consciousness. When she opened her eyes, I reached out to her and asked what happened. I told her we had just been intimate for two hours and hadn't finished what we started, but she looked at me blankfully and said she didn't remember. We bickered for a moment, and then she walked into the kitchen, and I followed.
That was when I realized she has BPD.
The problem is that I discovered this after three or four months of intense closeness, during which time I had fallen completely for her. Her behavior can shift in a heartbeat; she can be utterly depressed one hour and the happiest person in the world the next, with endless variations in between.
The help I am seeking is advice on how to handle this, how to carry myself, and how to manage my own internal state.
To be honest, I have fallen deeply in love with her. I told her how I felt. Naturally, her reaction fluctuates; sometimes she is overjoyed, sometimes she doesn't believe me, sometimes she needs me close, and sometimes she can't stand the sight of me.
Of course, the good moments and the positive moods are more frequent, but this volatility is killing me. I feel unable to leave her because, after everything we've been through, I know she has been treated poorly by everyone else, and I would feel like a complete traitor if I abandoned her—which isn't even an option I'm considering.
She has dealt with countless idiots, and I am the first man who has truly and sincerely cared for her, so I don't want to walk away.
She says she doesn't want a relationship; she wants me as a friend, she wants us to be intimate, but she doesn't want the commitment of being in a relationship—at least, that is her narrative, though it may not be the truth. Perhaps she is returning to me as a form of karma for how I used to treat others.
This is genuinely difficult for me, and I cannot easily share this with a friend. How do I tell them, "I am in love with a woman who is actually three different people"?🙂
Then she entered my life. She was incredibly arrogant, haughty, and self-assured; for the first time, I felt as though I had lost control of my own life, as if someone else were pulling all the strings. It is easy to say you shouldn't let someone manipulate you, but when you are actually experiencing it, the reality is much more difficult to navigate. Gradually, we began spending more time together. I would go to her place, and we would spend the night in the same bed, staying half-dressed, yet there was absolutely no physical intimacy between us. She is quite perceptive, to put it mildly, and she clearly understood how to maintain control over our dynamic. She would make claims that we would never be a couple because she didn't view me in a sexual light or find me attractive, and even though I knew she was playing games, those denials only intensified my desire for her. Later, we attended a party together, and I sensed something was fundamentally wrong, though I couldn't quite put my finger on it at the time. After some sort of commotion at the event, we ended up back at my apartment around 6:00 AM, where we slept and woke up fully clothed.
It felt as though everything was falling perfectly into place.
Two weeks later, she went through a period of intense instability and attempted to end her life. She failed. She came to stay with me in a different city for two weeks. During that time, I played every role imaginable: the knight in shining armor, the servant, and the lover all at once. We walked for hours, cooked meals together, shared cigarettes, and had sex every single day. It was, without question, the best sex of my life. Looking back, I realize she had been conditioning me for this through movies, music, and her specific way of speaking.
During one particular evening within those two weeks, things escalated. We had an argument that resulted in much of the apartment being trashed; she cut her arm—not deeply, but enough—and threatened to kill herself again. It was chaos; she was spiraling, and I was losing my mind. I retreated to my room, but she followed me, calling out to me and attempting to come downstairs. I looked at her and asked what on earth she thought she was doing, pointing out the damage she had caused, but she simply denied it and told me not to lie. The argument bled into intimacy, and we spent the next two hours having sex. At one point, I was lying on my back while she knelt over me, and we were talking. Suddenly, she collapsed beside me, almost as if she had lost consciousness. When she opened her eyes, I reached out to her and asked what happened. I told her we had just been intimate for two hours and hadn't finished what we started, but she looked at me blankfully and said she didn't remember. We bickered for a moment, and then she walked into the kitchen, and I followed.
That was when I realized she has BPD.
The problem is that I discovered this after three or four months of intense closeness, during which time I had fallen completely for her. Her behavior can shift in a heartbeat; she can be utterly depressed one hour and the happiest person in the world the next, with endless variations in between.
The help I am seeking is advice on how to handle this, how to carry myself, and how to manage my own internal state.
To be honest, I have fallen deeply in love with her. I told her how I felt. Naturally, her reaction fluctuates; sometimes she is overjoyed, sometimes she doesn't believe me, sometimes she needs me close, and sometimes she can't stand the sight of me.
Of course, the good moments and the positive moods are more frequent, but this volatility is killing me. I feel unable to leave her because, after everything we've been through, I know she has been treated poorly by everyone else, and I would feel like a complete traitor if I abandoned her—which isn't even an option I'm considering.
She has dealt with countless idiots, and I am the first man who has truly and sincerely cared for her, so I don't want to walk away.
She says she doesn't want a relationship; she wants me as a friend, she wants us to be intimate, but she doesn't want the commitment of being in a relationship—at least, that is her narrative, though it may not be the truth. Perhaps she is returning to me as a form of karma for how I used to treat others.
This is genuinely difficult for me, and I cannot easily share this with a friend. How do I tell them, "I am in love with a woman who is actually three different people"?🙂