Late Night Ramblings

Allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Timothy Cruz6, and I am 28 years old. At least, that's what I tell myself.
I recently had to admit something to myself—something that goes against everything I previously believed. Maybe it isn't the rest of the world that's broken. Maybe there's something wrong with me.
It is far easier to be honest behind a screen. I would much rather admit this to strangers online than say it out loud to anyone in the real world.
To be honest, I have no idea how I let things get this far or how long I’ve been stuck in this rut. All I know is that I can't keep going like this; I am systematically destroying my own life.
This might be my first post here, and quite possibly my last. I’m not entirely sure what the future holds, but I feel a need to explain exactly what is happening with me.
The truth is, I don't know what's happening to me. But judging by how people react and these sudden flashes of clarity, this isn't normal. It’s starting to worry me.
I should probably admit that this behavior has always been part of who I am—or at least, that’s how it feels to me.
Perhaps I should list my "symptoms" and issues. Where does one even begin? Are these actual symptoms, or just inherent flaws in my character? For starters, my social circle has always been incredibly small. Over the years, it has dwindled down to a single best friend—someone I’ve known for nearly twenty years. Yet, for the last four months, we haven't even spoken. It’s all the same old excuses: being too busy, having too much on my plate, or simply feeling overwhelmed by life's demands. There was even a time when she would call me, and I wouldn't pick up because I simply didn't have the mental capacity to talk.
Perhaps this is just the most obvious symptom of much deeper issues at play. As for my family, I don't engage in anything more meaningful than small talk.
I am neither shy nor afraid to speak my mind. It is just that, more often than not, I find myself unable to offer anything beyond criticism. Over the years, I have concluded that it is far wiser to simply stay silent and walk away than to engage in pointless criticism and arguments.
It might be worth mentioning that I was married for about a year before it ended. We got engaged after knowing each other for only a month, and we had spent a total of fifteen days living together before the wedding. Let's just call it impulsive.
Let’s not dwell on the past. My current issue is more pressing. I am constantly accused of lying—of looking people straight in the eye and deceiving them. It is infuriating. There is a part of me that wants to resort to violence just to prove my honesty, but then the physical evidence surfaces, and suddenly, I remember. I despise being wrong. I despise losing control. The reality is that I frequently fail to recall certain events; I simply cannot believe they occurred until someone produces proof to the contrary. Unfortunately, these instances are becoming far too frequent. And no, I don't feel like I have a split personality, if that's what you're implying. 🙂 It’s starting to weigh on my mind.
I frequently experience a sort of "mental vacuum." I stare at something and find it impossible to process what my eyes are seeing; I listen to someone and struggle to accept their words. There are moments when reality feels entirely fraudulent—as if I can't tell if I'm awake or trapped in a dream. I often find myself asking: Is this even possible? What exactly is happening?
I know for a fact that it happened to me once. In the middle of an incredibly high-stress situation, I heard someone screaming and shouting. I actually paused to wonder who on earth was making that noise, only to realize it was me.🙂 I won't say that experience didn't leave me completely shattered.
Perhaps the worst part of this entire mess is my current partner. I’m convinced his issues run deeper than mine, and for a long time, I was certain he was actively gaslighting me. The frustration was endless. It turned into a constant cycle of verbal sparring—he tries to catch me in a lie, so I try to catch him. We actually went as far as installing keyloggers on each other's computers. I do it because I suspect he has hidden motives; he does it because I have always been secretive by nature. Sometimes, I even hide things from myself. I’ve buried things so well that even years later, I can't find them, though I desperately need to dig them up just to throw them in the trash. My biggest fear is that one day my child will stumble upon the nonsense I've stashed away in boxes around the house, and they'll be left depressed by the realization of who their mother really is.
Back to the topic. My partner interpreted my privacy as if I were hiding something from him, so he actually tried to film me. Naturally, this just fueled my paranoia—now I felt I had "proof"—and pushed me even further over the edge.
The whole thing spiraled. I find myself hiding things from him, from myself, from friends, and from family. The irony is, I have nothing to hide. I work, I’m pursuing further education, I’m raising a child, and I’m saving money in a separate Chase account. All of it weighs on me.
I understand why someone might think I'm being deceptive, and I tried explaining that isn't the case. It was useless. I know how I act.
It became clear that if I continue like this, I’ll destroy any chance of ever being happy, laughing, or living a normal life. So, I decided to change something.
It’s impossible that the entire world has gone mad and I am the only sane one, right? It’s impossible that everyone is against me with hidden motives...
It's impossible that everyone is lying to me.
It's impossible that everyone is trying to exploit me.
It's impossible that absolutely nobody loves me (though regarding that last point, I am fairly certain it is true).
I must admit, I feel slightly better now...

To wrap up this confession, 😉 I went to see a psychiatrist. She diagnosed me with anxious depression and referred me for thyroid blood work and psychological testing at the Mayo Clinic.
Of course, she prescribed medication immediately.
I didn't start taking them right away; I waited about ten days to reflect on everything and after a few more incidents occurred.
I am now on day two of the medication, and my psychological testing is scheduled for next week.

The point of this post? I'm not sure there is one. Perhaps in two months I’ll look back at this and tell myself: "Wow, I really lost it." 😉 Or maybe I'll find the whole thing funny. We shall see.
I will write more as things develop.

It would help to hear from those who decided to seek treatment on their own, and how they reached the realization that something might be wrong. The hardest part is admitting to yourself that everything you believed—every truth you held onto—might just be a construction of your own mind. For me, that was the most difficult step.

The psychiatrist nailed the root cause (which is exactly what I suspected when I read your post). A thyroid issue can trigger those sudden mood swings you described. We’re talking about a hormonal imbalance here, which isn't something you fix with talk therapy—you use medication to manage the fallout.
If you stick to the prescription, those shifts will start to fade. Staying on top of your appointments with the doctor will also help clear up that paranoia you've been feeling about everyone else.

There was honestly no reason to start this thread on such a dark note. The solution is straightforward, and you can get back to being your old self before you know it.
It’s also a win that you didn't blow up at your friends. Since they haven't bailed on you, just reach out once you've regained some confidence and trust in people again.

I agree—you should definitely follow your psychiatrist's instructions. They likely ordered those blood tests to rule out anything else before confirming a bipolar diagnosis. I won't get into the technicalities here, but essentially, those sudden mood swings and impulsive behaviors are what pointed them in that direction. The good news is that there are effective treatments available for both bipolar disorder and depression, so stay positive and keep moving forward. You’ve taken the first big step by recognizing what's happening; now, just commit to the process and get the professional help you need.

It was a wise decision to seek professional help. Take the medications exactly as prescribed. You should also attempt to coordinate with her regarding an EEG and a brain CT scan to rule out organic issues.

Thanks for the support 🙂

Regardless, I’d love to hear from anyone who has been through something similar—specifically that moment when you have to admit to yourself that you're the one who messed everything up 😉 For me, that was the hardest part: admitting fault (though, honestly, my ego made swallowing that pill nearly impossible)

Look, he’s the type who can't handle even the slightest bit of feedback. He’ll take a simple critique and spin it into a personal attack every single time. Honestly, the important thing is that you saw the issue for what it really is. Now that you recognize it, you can actually deal with it. Time eventually sorts everything out. Just don't throw in the towel. Remember that you're doing this work for yourself—for your partner, your future kids, and everyone else in your life. Let that be your fuel and just keep moving forward.

Timothy Cruz6 said:Thanks for the support 🙂

Regardless, I’d love to hear from anyone who has been through something similar—specifically that moment when you have to admit to yourself that you're the one who messed everything up 😉 For me, that was the hardest part: admitting fault (though, honestly, my ego made swallowing that pill nearly impossible)

🙂 Just take it slow, okay? You're only just starting to peel back the layers on this stuff...
It’s definitely not the end of the road, and there's a better part coming (even if it might sting a little at first)
where you'll realize you actually had some damn good reasons for feeling upside down.
Once that hits, the way you look at yourself is going to change completely.😍

Timothy Cruz6 said:Thanks for the support 🙂

Regardless, I’d love to hear from anyone who has been through something similar—specifically that moment when you have to admit to yourself that you're the one who messed everything up 😉 For me, that was the hardest part: admitting fault (though, honestly, my ego made swallowing that pill nearly impossible)

To be perfectly honest, I didn't find it that difficult to admit when I was in the wrong. In fact, I make it a point to be the first person to step up and say I messed up in almost any situation—and even if I don't say it out loud, I definitely mean it. I’m currently in psychotherapy, where I’m basically learning how much I’ve been getting everything wrong and why. I just hope that one day I can finally feel "normal." My decision to seek help was forced by a perfect storm of circumstances hitting all at once: fears about serious health issues, being physically and mentally drained, and those moments where I practically lose control in front of my family. I could also—even if it was incredibly painful—start to realize that my partner and everyone else could realistically walk away from me. But I have a little four-year-old right by my side, and to that child, I am the most important person in the entire world. So, that little kid is the main reason I sought help. I refuse to screw them over.

Tyler Baker6 said:🙂 Just take it slow, okay? You're only just starting to peel back the layers on this stuff...
It’s definitely not the end of the road, and there's a better part coming (even if it might sting a little at first)
where you'll realize you actually had some damn good reasons for feeling upside down.
Once that hits, the way you look at yourself is going to change completely.😍

I would have said the exact same thing... bravo. I think Tyler Baker6 and I are on the same page here: you are about to discover so much about yourself that you never even dreamed possible. There is a reason you are the way you are. Accepting your true self can be a massive challenge, but look at the bright side—you have the incredible privilege of truly knowing yourself and having the chance to work on those flaws. I wish you nothing but the best on this adventure... just don't give up!

Thanks for the support 🙂
I have a five-year-old myself. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't even be considering this change. I actually started reading *Toxic Parents* and it honestly terrified me—the thought of becoming exactly what I’m trying to avoid for my child's sake.

I refuse to let him end up twenty years from now sitting on some therapist's couch, deciding that his issues are all my fault. 🙄

Indeed... this feels like the start of a long journey.

It started out a little rough, I guess, but after that? A smooth, perfect ride from start to finish.

We’ll see how comfortable this gets. I’m honestly a bit afraid to look back, though I suppose facing what actually happened is supposed to be part of the healing process.

Maybe that explains why I hit an overload. Instead of forgetting the things I wanted to leave behind, I started losing the memories I actually need to keep.

God, 🤷

There’s no such thing as an "oh well" moment, because this is just life. Besides, things would be incredibly boring if everything actually went according to plan, wouldn't they?

And sure, to move forward, you have to look back for a second. But only to pinpoint where things went sideways, fix them, and finally turn a new leaf. Keep a positive mindset and good things will start happening on their own—or rather, you'll stop obsessing over every single negative thing that crosses your path.

I still don't have an official diagnosis beyond those initial assessments, but the wait for the actual results is starting to weigh on me...

Can someone walk me through my results? I've read this ten times now and I still can't make sense of it. Am I okay?

It says:
- difficulties at the self level
- personality profile is colored by an experience of high-level distress (is this how I feel, or just how the psychologist perceives me during the session?)
- personality traits are dominated by signs of personality disorder (it doesn't specify which one)
- schizotypal characteristics—bizarre thinking and perception with borderline psychotic symptoms
- Goldberg psychotism index is borderline.

The above is gibberish to me. I understood most of the rest, but nowhere does it actually say what is wrong with me. What am I dealing with?

Help.🙂

Timothy Cruz6 said:Can someone walk me through my results? I've read this ten times now and I still can't make sense of it. Am I okay?

It says:
- difficulties at the self level
- personality profile is colored by an experience of high-level distress (is this how I feel, or just how the psychologist perceives me during the session?)
- personality traits are dominated by signs of personality disorder (it doesn't specify which one)
- schizotypal characteristics—bizarre thinking and perception with borderline psychotic symptoms
- Goldberg psychotism index is borderline.

The above is gibberish to me. I understood most of the rest, but nowhere does it actually say what is wrong with me. What am I dealing with?

Help.🙂

Take those results to your psychiatrist during your next follow-up. It will help speed up the diagnostic process. A psychologist isn't even legally allowed to issue a formal diagnosis in their report.

Timothy Cruz6 said:Can someone walk me through my results? I've read this ten times now and I still can't make sense of it. Am I okay?

It says:
- difficulties at the self level
- personality profile is colored by an experience of high-level distress (is this how I feel, or just how the psychologist perceives me during the session?)
- personality traits are dominated by signs of personality disorder (it doesn't specify which one)
- schizotypal characteristics—bizarre thinking and perception with borderline psychotic symptoms
- Goldberg psychotism index is borderline.

The above is gibberish to me. I understood most of the rest, but nowhere does it actually say what is wrong with me. What am I dealing with?

Help.🙂

The psychologist did a pretty solid job here. 🙂
And honestly, a psychiatrist probably wouldn't even give you any meds because that would just feed the ego and let things spiral even more...
---
Listen, sweetie, because you're smart and have some money in the bank, you've basically just been manipulating yourself and everyone around you while making a string of bad life choices... and the biggest mistake is that you're showing up to therapy way too late.
For your own sake, and for your kid's sake, you need to be consistent with your treatment since nothing seems to be working right now.
Also, you should probably grab a referral for psychotherapy or just go see a private specialist at least once a week.

My psychiatrist informed me that medication alone won't cut it; psychotherapy will be necessary, though she didn't specify the type or frequency.
My next appointment isn't until mid-January. I assume the delay is intentional, giving the meds enough time to kick in first.

I know I've made plenty of mistakes, but seeking therapy isn't one of them. This was my choice, made entirely on my own without telling anyone. I've been living on my own and moving from city to city since I was sixteen. That’s likely why no one has managed to truly get close enough to push me toward treatment. I'm starting to realize those old habits of running away were just the beginning of my issues. Even now, part of me wants to pack a bag, bolt, and start over somewhere else. If I didn't have responsibilities holding me down, I'd probably spend years just trying to outrun my problems instead of actually facing them.

Basically, a psychologist doesn't provide a diagnosis. It felt like the entire evaluation was just a summary of what I said or how I answered the MMPI.
Looking up schizotypal traits online, I found they align perfectly with my struggles. One site mentioned people with these traits rarely marry. Well, I certainly defied that logic—I got married, only to divorce a year later.🤣lol

I won't start a new thread, so I'll just follow up here.
The latest development is my new diagnosis. Instead of getting any actual clarity or explanation, I just ended up with a new code on my chart, so I'm asking here...
So, the diagnosis is F60.3, emotionally unstable personality. When I looked it up, Google suggested it’s essentially Borderline Personality Disorder, though some sources don't call it that.

Has anyone dealt with something similar? How did you actually resolve it?

My psychiatrist gave me exactly one option for treatment covered by my insurance: group therapy. What a nightmare. Has anyone actually been through those sessions? What is it even like? I can't shake the image from those American movies where it's just "Hi, my name is ___ and I'm crazy."😁

God... where am I even supposed to find this group therapy?🙂

lyra, the more I read your posts, the more I see my own sister in you. She’s your age and deals with almost identical issues, except she’s already been married three times... Your problem is actually quite simple. Maybe if you stopped with this whole "I am this, I am that" routine—which we all know isn't true—things might change. You always shifted the blame onto everyone else because it worked for you back then. But now that it doesn't work anymore, we're all feeling the fallout, right? Second, you think you're helping yourself by deciding how things should be done, but let me tell you something: you aren't a psychologist or a psychiatrist. That's why they exist. You claim you've finally admitted there's a problem and now you'll just find your own way to heal yourself... sure you will. It's supposed to be that easy, isn't it? Maybe I don't have the right to lecture you, but I'll say it anyway. It is high time you grew up. You're a mother and a wife now. It's time to face the responsibilities you piled on yourself—likely out of self-interest, or perhaps as an excuse to escape the mess your life used to be. Back when Mom and Dad were overworked, and my siblings were all struggling, leaving me as the poor, unprotected youngest child... well, that led to a few years of messing around with drugs and alcohol. My situation was different, though. When my poor little sister would throw a tantrum, the whole family would jump to her every whim. It's the same today; she's constantly dissatisfied, increasingly miserable, and losing her mind. She does nothing but argue with everyone, yet complains about being exhausted from it all. Honestly, I wish I had a diagnosis. Then maybe my wife would stay home, cook, clean, raise the kids, and earn money just to satisfy my whims—all while staying quiet whenever I have a mental breakdown and turn our apartment into a literal nightclub. I don't know anyone "crazy" enough to accept that lifestyle... well, except for my current brother-in-law!