Body grounded, spirit wandering

I honestly don't even know where to begin...
My mind is processing so many different threads all at once—as it usually does—and it feels like I’m completely falling apart just trying to articulate what’s actually going on inside my head.
And yet, that inner sense of logic always manages to step in and take control during those critical moments... and it’s just a constant cycle. From the outside, my life looks utterly mundane, but internally, it’s been twenty-eight years of wandering through the cosmos.
I suppose all of this has just felt like life—those inevitable ups and downs—up until now... but as the years tick by, I find I have fewer and fewer excuses left to lean on.
I won't spend too much breath dwelling on my childhood, the wars, moving from one US city to another, then back again, then leaving again, then returning... I suppose I just have a penchant for circles.🙂
Anyway, I just wanted to give you all some insight into my situation; I'll try to present things as coherently as possible, both how they look outwardly and how they feel inwardly.
This isn't a plea for advice on how to get my act together or build a life; rather, I would love to hear your thoughts on how to strike a balance between the spiritual and the material.
Up to this point, my life has functioned roughly like this: whenever I was more grounded in my physical body and its immediate needs, everything became explosive—intense highs and lows, all very fleeting. And every material action seemed to pull me toward something deeper.
On top of all that, when I was younger, guilt and remorse were just constant companions in everything I did.
Then came a period where I was more focused on the spiritual side of things. I was raised Christian, but due to some poor personal experiences and a lack of clear answers, I found myself gravitating more toward Eastern philosophies. Eventually, that led to some positive shifts; I became mindful of what I ate and what I no longer wanted to consume, I understood many situations and my own past mistakes better, and that heavy weight of guilt began to lift... things were going okay. That is, until people and human relationships started interfering with my spiritual progress... I simply took what I had learned and walked away. I am sensitive, I know that... and it is difficult for me to accept that my role models and my sources of inspiration can falter so spectacularly. I understand that people in religious circles are just humans, after all, and everyone is trying their best while stumbling along... but perhaps my karma is just that messed up, or maybe I am just far too sensitive to process all of this in such a short span of time.
Anyway, after that period of distancing myself from both worlds, I ended up alone, living in an old, run-down house where I grew up, with my family scattered across the US and the rest of the world... but I actually felt good. During the day, I’d go out with friends, and in the evening, I could barely wait to retreat to my little room without any technology just to read books.
It didn't last long, though, because I met this guy. It wasn't planned; it just happened. He was somewhere in the middle ground, and it worked for me. After a while, we started living together and everything was wonderful. He was truly kind to me, and I tried harder than I ever had before to make it work. He was different from my previous partners, however, because he had one specific issue I had never encountered before. He couldn't let go in an intimate relationship. At first, I didn't realize how deep the problem went... but after about a year, we realized it was a massive issue and that things were only getting worse... I felt rejected in a way, though I kept trying and trying not to take it personally. Essentially, there was no real sexual life, just occasional hints of it. After a year and a half, we broke up, and I went to stay with my family for a few days. I wanted to make him realize that regardless of his fear or shame, he had to start taking decisive steps. Perhaps he was just terrified of losing me, because he said something to me that hurt more than anything else he'd ever said; he told me that he had been taking care of himself alone for the last year because he was afraid he wouldn't be capable (even though we had talked a hundred times about how that wouldn't work, emphasizing that if anything happened, we would just be honest). It was important to me that he didn't do that alone, as that was part of the problem itself.
I was so deeply hurt—he had lied to me for a whole year... I can understand why I didn't absolutely tear him to shreds for it... but my trust was shattered... it wounded my very soul.
Still, I gave him another chance; we didn't want to give up... for a few more months, I poured out my last remaining drops of strength to be his support, and then I finally snapped.
I got the impression that he had taken steps to fix things, like "we'll resolve this," but in reality, it was always "when it happens, it happens, as long as I'm here and he's not alone." It started to feel incredibly selfish, like I was living a lie.
He actually has this deep-seated issue stemming from his early years—stuff with his parents and girls... and he used to have such a terrible view of himself, which he tried to fix once he landed a job, hit the gym, even got braces... he started trying to manage his emotions because he honestly had no clue how to deal with them. He just felt like all he needed was a good woman to marry so he could finally claim to have a perfect life. But what he doesn't realize is that he’s building everything on a facade; deep down, he's completely incapable of handling pain or the idea of someone leaving him or rejecting him.
I started seeing all of this, and in that moment, I felt somewhat like a victim simply because I had become aware of the reality of the situation.
Anyway, I cleared out... I've been staying with my folks for a week now, out in some small town outside of a major city. I don't have a job... I have nowhere else to go...
I feel a bit numb from it all, just trying to scrape by financially because I have to, but while I'm doing that, I'm searching for solace and answers in spiritual things, and my energy is just draining away like crazy... I'm just spinning my wheels.
It’s not that I’m incapable of taking action... it’s just that every single time I’ve tried to change things in my life, it always leads back to this exact same point. And here I am. Now, it feels almost reflexive, like I'm forced to believe things will work themselves out in a way where I'm constantly stuck extracting some "life lesson" instead of actually living my life.
I don't know what to think, what to do, or what I should even turn toward...
I don't feel like a victim, I'm not crying, I'm accepting what's happening, and I want to be happy and grow as a person...
But I need help... I want to start something this time that will actually make me happy... I want to know that I'm not just going in circles again...
I know I'm being overly dramatic... and I see it all clearly.
I haven't spoken to anyone about anything for days. I simply don't want to be part of that social circle in the environment I'm currently in.
There. Whatever the outcome ends up being... that was on my mind and that's what I said.
I wish you all a lot of happiness and strength in your search, whatever that may be 🙂

I guess I went on a bit of a tangent there, didn't I? 😁
It’s just that I really need to get this off my chest, so to speak; I’m truly hoping someone might have the patience—and perhaps even the inclination—to offer me some advice or even a bit of harsh criticism.
I am more than willing to sit with my mistakes and reflect on them, because honestly, nothing would please me more than realizing where I've gone wrong and figuring out how to set things right.

Yeah, I read through it, but honestly, what can I even say? That’s just life, I guess...

I also noticed we're kind of in the same generation, so it doesn't surprise me one bit. We tend to jump in and comment on how much we've all collectively lost our way lately...

It seems to me you really grasp your own responsibility in all this, while still acknowledging how different the opportunities were during growing up versus later on. Because of that, I think you're seeing things pretty clearly. This "crisis" you're feeling right now? It's actually pretty normal. You're trying to find yourself, almost like you're starting over, even though you're pushing 30. If it helps, I feel the exact same way—like an old friend of mine used to joke, "I still don't know what I'm going to be when I grow up."

Yeah, that specific feeling where it feels like you got kicked out of the club and told to "figure it out yourself," only to watch your old friends vanish and be replaced by a bunch of stuffy suits 🤷

And I totally get it—I’m at my happiest when I’m working with my hands or when I wander off somewhere far away, completely disconnected from "this" world. It hits me hard sometimes, feeling trapped in this matrix, just wishing I could find a little glitch to slip through and disappear 😍

Hang in there, don't let it get you down... It looks like you're just regrouping right now, getting ready to take a new position in the game. Try to look at the big picture with a clear head. Give yourself some time, and the answers will show up. Go for walks, get out into nature if you can, just observe, listen, smell everything, touch the world. Above all, try to find your self in all of that (since you've drifted a bit from Him) and don't sweat the small stuff people say... especially fools like me 😉

I'd love to see some women or female colleagues with a spiritual side chime in to offer some advice from "your" perspective

Best wishes

You pushed hard, but I guess it just doesn't work that way.
Someone fighting against themselves is already losing the battle.

Drew Flores3 said:Yeah, I read through it, but honestly, what can I even say? That’s just life, I guess...

I also noticed we're kind of in the same generation, so it doesn't surprise me one bit. We tend to jump in and comment on how much we've all collectively lost our way lately...

It seems to me you really grasp your own responsibility in all this, while still acknowledging how different the opportunities were during growing up versus later on. Because of that, I think you're seeing things pretty clearly. This "crisis" you're feeling right now? It's actually pretty normal. You're trying to find yourself, almost like you're starting over, even though you're pushing 30. If it helps, I feel the exact same way—like an old friend of mine used to joke, "I still don't know what I'm going to be when I grow up."

Yeah, that specific feeling where it feels like you got kicked out of the club and told to "figure it out yourself," only to watch your old friends vanish and be replaced by a bunch of stuffy suits 🤷

And I totally get it—I’m at my happiest when I’m working with my hands or when I wander off somewhere far away, completely disconnected from "this" world. It hits me hard sometimes, feeling trapped in this matrix, just wishing I could find a little glitch to slip through and disappear 😍

Hang in there, don't let it get you down... It looks like you're just regrouping right now, getting ready to take a new position in the game. Try to look at the big picture with a clear head. Give yourself some time, and the answers will show up. Go for walks, get out into nature if you can, just observe, listen, smell everything, touch the world. Above all, try to find your self in all of that (since you've drifted a bit from Him) and don't sweat the small stuff people say... especially fools like me 😉

I'd love to see some women or female colleagues with a spiritual side chime in to offer some advice from "your" perspective

Best wishes

Thank you for being patient with me; I'll definitely take some of those suggestions to heart. It's always a bit easier when someone actually understands what you're talking about and truly feels it...right now, I'm lacking that, and I could really use a little support.
It's difficult for me to untangle my own thoughts at the moment, to discern what's meaningful and what isn't...mostly, I just blurt things out and end up creating even bigger misunderstandings. Sometimes I worry that I'm just making things worse by trying to explain things to people who don't get it...and I never feel great after doing it. I don't want to burden people with things they can't help with, yet a person still needs to be understood.
I'm hoping a solution presents itself; I'll try to keep my eyes open 🙂

neoncrane said:You pushed hard, but I guess it just doesn't work that way.
Someone fighting against themselves is already losing the battle.

I am well aware of that...which is exactly why I'm asking for advice 🙂

Jeffrey Booth51 said:I honestly don't even know where to begin...
My mind is processing so many different threads all at once—as it usually does—and it feels like I’m completely falling apart just trying to articulate what’s actually going on inside my head.
And yet, that inner sense of logic always manages to step in and take control during those critical moments... and it’s just a constant cycle. From the outside, my life looks utterly mundane, but internally, it’s been twenty-eight years of wandering through the cosmos.
I suppose all of this has just felt like life—those inevitable ups and downs—up until now... but as the years tick by, I find I have fewer and fewer excuses left to lean on.
I won't spend too much breath dwelling on my childhood, the wars, moving from one US city to another, then back again, then leaving again, then returning... I suppose I just have a penchant for circles.🙂
Anyway, I just wanted to give you all some insight into my situation; I'll try to present things as coherently as possible, both how they look outwardly and how they feel inwardly.
This isn't a plea for advice on how to get my act together or build a life; rather, I would love to hear your thoughts on how to strike a balance between the spiritual and the material.
Up to this point, my life has functioned roughly like this: whenever I was more grounded in my physical body and its immediate needs, everything became explosive—intense highs and lows, all very fleeting. And every material action seemed to pull me toward something deeper.
On top of all that, when I was younger, guilt and remorse were just constant companions in everything I did.
Then came a period where I was more focused on the spiritual side of things. I was raised Christian, but due to some poor personal experiences and a lack of clear answers, I found myself gravitating more toward Eastern philosophies. Eventually, that led to some positive shifts; I became mindful of what I ate and what I no longer wanted to consume, I understood many situations and my own past mistakes better, and that heavy weight of guilt began to lift... things were going okay. That is, until people and human relationships started interfering with my spiritual progress... I simply took what I had learned and walked away. I am sensitive, I know that... and it is difficult for me to accept that my role models and my sources of inspiration can falter so spectacularly. I understand that people in religious circles are just humans, after all, and everyone is trying their best while stumbling along... but perhaps my karma is just that messed up, or maybe I am just far too sensitive to process all of this in such a short span of time.
Anyway, after that period of distancing myself from both worlds, I ended up alone, living in an old, run-down house where I grew up, with my family scattered across the US and the rest of the world... but I actually felt good. During the day, I’d go out with friends, and in the evening, I could barely wait to retreat to my little room without any technology just to read books.
It didn't last long, though, because I met this guy. It wasn't planned; it just happened. He was somewhere in the middle ground, and it worked for me. After a while, we started living together and everything was wonderful. He was truly kind to me, and I tried harder than I ever had before to make it work. He was different from my previous partners, however, because he had one specific issue I had never encountered before. He couldn't let go in an intimate relationship. At first, I didn't realize how deep the problem went... but after about a year, we realized it was a massive issue and that things were only getting worse... I felt rejected in a way, though I kept trying and trying not to take it personally. Essentially, there was no real sexual life, just occasional hints of it. After a year and a half, we broke up, and I went to stay with my family for a few days. I wanted to make him realize that regardless of his fear or shame, he had to start taking decisive steps. Perhaps he was just terrified of losing me, because he said something to me that hurt more than anything else he'd ever said; he told me that he had been taking care of himself alone for the last year because he was afraid he wouldn't be capable (even though we had talked a hundred times about how that wouldn't work, emphasizing that if anything happened, we would just be honest). It was important to me that he didn't do that alone, as that was part of the problem itself.
I was so deeply hurt—he had lied to me for a whole year... I can understand why I didn't absolutely tear him to shreds for it... but my trust was shattered... it wounded my very soul.
Still, I gave him another chance; we didn't want to give up... for a few more months, I poured out my last remaining drops of strength to be his support, and then I finally snapped.
I got the impression that he had taken steps to fix things, like "we'll resolve this," but in reality, it was always "when it happens, it happens, as long as I'm here and he's not alone." It started to feel incredibly selfish, like I was living a lie.
He actually has this deep-seated issue stemming from his early years—stuff with his parents and girls... and he used to have such a terrible view of himself, which he tried to fix once he landed a job, hit the gym, even got braces... he started trying to manage his emotions because he honestly had no clue how to deal with them. He just felt like all he needed was a good woman to marry so he could finally claim to have a perfect life. But what he doesn't realize is that he’s building everything on a facade; deep down, he's completely incapable of handling pain or the idea of someone leaving him or rejecting him.
I started seeing all of this, and in that moment, I felt somewhat like a victim simply because I had become aware of the reality of the situation.
Anyway, I cleared out... I've been staying with my folks for a week now, out in some small town outside of a major city. I don't have a job... I have nowhere else to go...
I feel a bit numb from it all, just trying to scrape by financially because I have to, but while I'm doing that, I'm searching for solace and answers in spiritual things, and my energy is just draining away like crazy... I'm just spinning my wheels.
It’s not that I’m incapable of taking action... it’s just that every single time I’ve tried to change things in my life, it always leads back to this exact same point. And here I am. Now, it feels almost reflexive, like I'm forced to believe things will work themselves out in a way where I'm constantly stuck extracting some "life lesson" instead of actually living my life.
I don't know what to think, what to do, or what I should even turn toward...
I don't feel like a victim, I'm not crying, I'm accepting what's happening, and I want to be happy and grow as a person...
But I need help... I want to start something this time that will actually make me happy... I want to know that I'm not just going in circles again...
I know I'm being overly dramatic... and I see it all clearly.
I haven't spoken to anyone about anything for days. I simply don't want to be part of that social circle in the environment I'm currently in.
There. Whatever the outcome ends up being... that was on my mind and that's what I said.
I wish you all a lot of happiness and strength in your search, whatever that may be 🙂

Look... there aren't any quick fixes or easy exits in life, but there are plenty of different tools to push you back onto a path where you'll actually feel fulfilled and happy. Since life is a journey, every detour is possible—in fact, those detours *are* the path. They are the lessons you have to master.
You aren't going in circles; you're circling back to the past because you haven't let go yet.🙂 — I know, it’s hard to just wipe the slate clean like that. But if you spend all your time throwing stones at every angry dog from your past, you aren't going to move forward. You'll just be hunched over picking up rocks, wasting all your precious time and energy with zero results.

What I recommend is a bit of soul-searching and self-healing. First, try to just ignore those angry dogs from your past. Don't throw stones at them; let them bark in the distance while you keep walking your own way. How do you avoid them???
Start expressing yourself creatively. One of the best forms of solo therapy is writing. It doesn't matter if your style is messy or if your grammar is a disaster—you aren't writing for an audience, you're writing for self. Just dump your thoughts onto the paper, give them context... reflect on what's bothering you, write it down, and read it back later. After a little while, you'll find yourself naturally shifting. Keeping a journal is a fantastic starting point. Along with that, get moving physically. Take up a sport—running, cycling, even just brisk walking—just keep that body active.
Even if you feel low on energy, you'll see that physical exhaustion can be a balm for the soul—just don't overdo it, obviously.
As for energy, try connecting with nature. You can pull so much strength and creative inspiration from the great outdoors. Trees, for instance, are amazing sources of energy; go hug one, talk to it... realize that you are part of nature too. Nature won't leave you hanging...😉
Wear bright, cheerful colors. Toss out the black and the gray. Try to hang out with people... regardless of who they are, we all need human connection in one way or another. However, stay far away from the "energy vampires." Those are the people who constantly moan and play the victim, fishing for sympathy and sucking others dry by making their misery their only topic of conversation.

Read books (I can send you a reading list via DM), join a local library, listen to music... maybe adopt a cat, though I suppose if you aren't working, you might not know how to feed one! 😲

Everything else will fall into place once you spark that change within yourself... I don't even know what else to tell you... you have a massive job ahead of you: the work of rebuilding your own self.

Good luck with the digging, you little prospector!

Jeffrey Booth51 said:Thank you for being patient with me; I'll definitely take some of those suggestions to heart. It's always a bit easier when someone actually understands what you're talking about and truly feels it...right now, I'm lacking that, and I could really use a little support.
It's difficult for me to untangle my own thoughts at the moment, to discern what's meaningful and what isn't...mostly, I just blurt things out and end up creating even bigger misunderstandings. Sometimes I worry that I'm just making things worse by trying to explain things to people who don't get it...and I never feel great after doing it. I don't want to burden people with things they can't help with, yet a person still needs to be understood.
I'm hoping a solution presents itself; I'll try to keep my eyes open 🙂

I am well aware of that...which is exactly why I'm asking for advice 🙂

"Situations" tend to circle back. If you run away instead of facing the "assignment," it’ll just show up again later in a different package. Everyone has their own specific assignment—a recurring pattern. Just when you think things are finally settled and smooth, suddenly, there it is. Another Situation. A conflict, a fallout, etc. This whole thing you're dealing with right now.
It seems like everyone around you, everyone you team up with, ends up stumbling. They let you down. Maybe you should bypass those expectations entirely. Clear your vision.
..You have to handle your own assignment, your own challenge. That starts the moment you accept exactly where you are.
Maybe even here they'll stumble, and you'll just move to a different PDF.

neoncrane said:You pushed hard, but I guess it just doesn't work that way.
Someone fighting against themselves is already losing the battle.

Exactly.
The post is leaning a bit too much toward the Lakers, but whatever...
There's just too much forcing and unnecessary stress involved in it. 😢

You aren't obligated to put up with anyone.
Stick to simple observations and clear decisions.
What you see is what you get.
That's really all there is to it.

Nemrut - honestly, thank you so much for such an incredible response; please know it truly means a lot to me when someone takes the time to put in this kind of effort... and yeah, I am actually feeling a little better already, and I'll be revisiting your post quite often just so I don't lose track of all your advice. I really need to get off my butt and get moving; I'm out here in the countryside with plenty of trees to tend to... I'll start tomorrow with the ones right by the house 😁

Larry Wilson5 - I have to say, you are incredibly perceptive and sharp, possessing that sort of calm acceptance of fate that I find genuinely impressive

Mark Harris63 - please, would you just reveal the secret to being so simple and straightforward? For my entire life, people have been telling me how complicated and wild I am 🤷 But I am trying, I really am, I really am (clearly overdoing it, haha)

I'm not quite sure what else to tell you all, other than that reading your posts makes me realize just how inexperienced I still am in the things I'm striving toward, and sometimes it’s just hard to come to terms with that reality.
Regardless, I have to find a way to keep pushing forward... any bit of wisdom helps, so thank you once again.

Jeffrey Booth51 said:Nemrut - honestly, thank you so much for such an incredible response; please know it truly means a lot to me when someone takes the time to put in this kind of effort... and yeah, I am actually feeling a little better already, and I'll be revisiting your post quite often just so I don't lose track of all your advice. I really need to get off my butt and get moving; I'm out here in the countryside with plenty of trees to tend to... I'll start tomorrow with the ones right by the house 😁

Larry Wilson5 - I have to say, you are incredibly perceptive and sharp, possessing that sort of calm acceptance of fate that I find genuinely impressive

Mark Harris63 - please, would you just reveal the secret to being so simple and straightforward? For my entire life, people have been telling me how complicated and wild I am 🤷 But I am trying, I really am, I really am (clearly overdoing it, haha)

I'm not quite sure what else to tell you all, other than that reading your posts makes me realize just how inexperienced I still am in the things I'm striving toward, and sometimes it’s just hard to come to terms with that reality.
Regardless, I have to find a way to keep pushing forward... any bit of wisdom helps, so thank you once again.

Stop falling in love with your own complexity.
Think of it like a breakout on your face.
You wouldn't be proud of it; you'd spend every night
washing it, cleaning it, maybe even taking antibiotics for it.
Get what I mean? 😁
As harsh as it sounds, once we truly view something
as an enemy, we take action against it.
If we don't, it just stays there.
We talk about it, philosophize, and analyze it, but we never actually change it.

It’s simple, really.
Your relationship was bad, there was zero intimacy,
and he struggles with serious mental health issues.
You should have walked away a long time ago.
It’s either moving forward or sliding backward.
If you hadn't stayed in it for so long, who knows what could have happened for you.
It’s tough, but don't play the victim by saying it's hard for me.
There is a huge difference between helping someone
and just enduring them.
Enduring someone is completely pointless.
It's useless for both the person being endured and the one doing the enduring.
It might sound noble, but in reality, it's just foolish and destructive.

I know, from my own experience. You end up feeling exhausted and empty,
while constantly believing you're doing the right thing.
But no, when it actually isn't good... 😉

Mark Harris63 said:Stop falling in love with your own complexity.
Think of it like a breakout on your face.
You wouldn't be proud of it; you'd spend every night
washing it, cleaning it, maybe even taking antibiotics for it.
Get what I mean? 😁
As harsh as it sounds, once we truly view something
as an enemy, we take action against it.
If we don't, it just stays there.
We talk about it, philosophize, and analyze it, but we never actually change it.

It’s simple, really.
Your relationship was bad, there was zero intimacy,
and he struggles with serious mental health issues.
You should have walked away a long time ago.
It’s either moving forward or sliding backward.
If you hadn't stayed in it for so long, who knows what could have happened for you.
It’s tough, but don't play the victim by saying it's hard for me.
There is a huge difference between helping someone
and just enduring them.
Enduring someone is completely pointless.
It's useless for both the person being endured and the one doing the enduring.
It might sound noble, but in reality, it's just foolish and destructive.

I know, from my own experience. You end up feeling exhausted and empty,
while constantly believing you're doing the right thing.
But no, when it actually isn't good... 😉

I hear you, and you're absolutely right; I'm still sitting here thinking... if my face actually matched my thoughts, I'd probably look like a total gremlin right now. 😁
I really need to start cleaning house; simplicity is starting to feel more attractive than ever before.
And honestly, this obsession with everything being "*good*" is starting to get on my nerves—I'm becoming quite exhausting to myself.
Everything is supposedly good, good, watch out for this person, look after that one... yet nothing ever actually turns out good because of it.
You have a point... I've got plenty of work ahead of me, but I really need to get moving.
Thanks 🙂

Jeffrey Booth51 said:I hear you, and you're absolutely right; I'm still sitting here thinking... if my face actually matched my thoughts, I'd probably look like a total gremlin right now. 😁
I really need to start cleaning house; simplicity is starting to feel more attractive than ever before.
And honestly, this obsession with everything being "*good*" is starting to get on my nerves—I'm becoming quite exhausting to myself.
Everything is supposedly good, good, watch out for this person, look after that one... yet nothing ever actually turns out good because of it.
You have a point... I've got plenty of work ahead of me, but I really need to get moving.
Thanks 🙂

Hang in there, 🙂.

Dear Jeffrey Booth51, we might not be in quite the same boat, but I truly feel for you 😉
it all comes down to your mindset, I suppose... sometimes we get so bogged down in one particular headspace that those rare moments of connection with reality become almost impossible—and honestly, reality is so much more beautiful than anything our imagination can cook up. I realized that just yesterday... how much more vibrant actual existence is compared to my own mental state (regardless of the circumstances, really)... though, of course, I was only 'awake' for a fleeting moment before I drifted back 'asleep.'
what can I even say? one just has to find a way to 'wake up'... wishing you all the best :hug:

Sam Hayes said:Dear Jeffrey Booth51, we might not be in quite the same boat, but I truly feel for you 😉
it all comes down to your mindset, I suppose... sometimes we get so bogged down in one particular headspace that those rare moments of connection with reality become almost impossible—and honestly, reality is so much more beautiful than anything our imagination can cook up. I realized that just yesterday... how much more vibrant actual existence is compared to my own mental state (regardless of the circumstances, really)... though, of course, I was only 'awake' for a fleeting moment before I drifted back 'asleep.'
what can I even say? one just has to find a way to 'wake up'... wishing you all the best :hug:

Exactly, there are these flashes of being 'awake,' but the real challenge is learning how to actually stay there instead of slipping back.
Thanks for the support.
Wishing you all the best as well 🙂

Jeffrey Booth51 said:I honestly don't even know where to begin...
My mind is processing so many different threads all at once—as it usually does—and it feels like I’m completely falling apart just trying to articulate what’s actually going on inside my head.
And yet, that inner sense of logic always manages to step in and take control during those critical moments... and it’s just a constant cycle. From the outside, my life looks utterly mundane, but internally, it’s been twenty-eight years of wandering through the cosmos.
I suppose all of this has just felt like life—those inevitable ups and downs—up until now... but as the years tick by, I find I have fewer and fewer excuses left to lean on.
I won't spend too much breath dwelling on my childhood, the wars, moving from one US city to another, then back again, then leaving again, then returning... I suppose I just have a penchant for circles.🙂
Anyway, I just wanted to give you all some insight into my situation; I'll try to present things as coherently as possible, both how they look outwardly and how they feel inwardly.
This isn't a plea for advice on how to get my act together or build a life; rather, I would love to hear your thoughts on how to strike a balance between the spiritual and the material.
Up to this point, my life has functioned roughly like this: whenever I was more grounded in my physical body and its immediate needs, everything became explosive—intense highs and lows, all very fleeting. And every material action seemed to pull me toward something deeper.
On top of all that, when I was younger, guilt and remorse were just constant companions in everything I did.
Then came a period where I was more focused on the spiritual side of things. I was raised Christian, but due to some poor personal experiences and a lack of clear answers, I found myself gravitating more toward Eastern philosophies. Eventually, that led to some positive shifts; I became mindful of what I ate and what I no longer wanted to consume, I understood many situations and my own past mistakes better, and that heavy weight of guilt began to lift... things were going okay. That is, until people and human relationships started interfering with my spiritual progress... I simply took what I had learned and walked away. I am sensitive, I know that... and it is difficult for me to accept that my role models and my sources of inspiration can falter so spectacularly. I understand that people in religious circles are just humans, after all, and everyone is trying their best while stumbling along... but perhaps my karma is just that messed up, or maybe I am just far too sensitive to process all of this in such a short span of time.
Anyway, after that period of distancing myself from both worlds, I ended up alone, living in an old, run-down house where I grew up, with my family scattered across the US and the rest of the world... but I actually felt good. During the day, I’d go out with friends, and in the evening, I could barely wait to retreat to my little room without any technology just to read books.
It didn't last long, though, because I met this guy. It wasn't planned; it just happened. He was somewhere in the middle ground, and it worked for me. After a while, we started living together and everything was wonderful. He was truly kind to me, and I tried harder than I ever had before to make it work. He was different from my previous partners, however, because he had one specific issue I had never encountered before. He couldn't let go in an intimate relationship. At first, I didn't realize how deep the problem went... but after about a year, we realized it was a massive issue and that things were only getting worse... I felt rejected in a way, though I kept trying and trying not to take it personally. Essentially, there was no real sexual life, just occasional hints of it. After a year and a half, we broke up, and I went to stay with my family for a few days. I wanted to make him realize that regardless of his fear or shame, he had to start taking decisive steps. Perhaps he was just terrified of losing me, because he said something to me that hurt more than anything else he'd ever said; he told me that he had been taking care of himself alone for the last year because he was afraid he wouldn't be capable (even though we had talked a hundred times about how that wouldn't work, emphasizing that if anything happened, we would just be honest). It was important to me that he didn't do that alone, as that was part of the problem itself.
I was so deeply hurt—he had lied to me for a whole year... I can understand why I didn't absolutely tear him to shreds for it... but my trust was shattered... it wounded my very soul.
Still, I gave him another chance; we didn't want to give up... for a few more months, I poured out my last remaining drops of strength to be his support, and then I finally snapped.
I got the impression that he had taken steps to fix things, like "we'll resolve this," but in reality, it was always "when it happens, it happens, as long as I'm here and he's not alone." It started to feel incredibly selfish, like I was living a lie.
He actually has this deep-seated issue stemming from his early years—stuff with his parents and girls... and he used to have such a terrible view of himself, which he tried to fix once he landed a job, hit the gym, even got braces... he started trying to manage his emotions because he honestly had no clue how to deal with them. He just felt like all he needed was a good woman to marry so he could finally claim to have a perfect life. But what he doesn't realize is that he’s building everything on a facade; deep down, he's completely incapable of handling pain or the idea of someone leaving him or rejecting him.
I started seeing all of this, and in that moment, I felt somewhat like a victim simply because I had become aware of the reality of the situation.
Anyway, I cleared out... I've been staying with my folks for a week now, out in some small town outside of a major city. I don't have a job... I have nowhere else to go...
I feel a bit numb from it all, just trying to scrape by financially because I have to, but while I'm doing that, I'm searching for solace and answers in spiritual things, and my energy is just draining away like crazy... I'm just spinning my wheels.
It’s not that I’m incapable of taking action... it’s just that every single time I’ve tried to change things in my life, it always leads back to this exact same point. And here I am. Now, it feels almost reflexive, like I'm forced to believe things will work themselves out in a way where I'm constantly stuck extracting some "life lesson" instead of actually living my life.
I don't know what to think, what to do, or what I should even turn toward...
I don't feel like a victim, I'm not crying, I'm accepting what's happening, and I want to be happy and grow as a person...
But I need help... I want to start something this time that will actually make me happy... I want to know that I'm not just going in circles again...
I know I'm being overly dramatic... and I see it all clearly.
I haven't spoken to anyone about anything for days. I simply don't want to be part of that social circle in the environment I'm currently in.
There. Whatever the outcome ends up being... that was on my mind and that's what I said.
I wish you all a lot of happiness and strength in your search, whatever that may be 🙂

It sounds like you're under this constant pressure—feeling like you always have to take urgent action, change something, or *do* something right now.
To me, it seems like you've "departed" from your physical self into a purely mental state (way too much!)—it's almost as if you've lost your connection to the ground (you aren't grounded).
Try being more spontaneous! Get outdoors, get your hands in the dirt, or just experience the smell of the earth... maybe find some exercises that fit—like yoga or pranayama (there's tons of stuff online for that).... stay active physically, but don't force it, and don't overdo anything. Don't just practice every single thing you hear, see, or read... pay attention to how your body reacts to different movements—notice what your body is asking for, but do it WITHOUT the obsession. Also, choose foods that soothe and help integrate your mind and body.

If you're spending a lot of time watching TV or sitting at the computer, definitely cut that back—maybe even scale back on the reading too. It would be great to aim for getting to sleep around 9:30 or 10:00 PM.
Set boundaries in your relationships, whatever kind they may be. Define your personal space, and let others know that it needs to be respected... try to balance out that empathy.

And as for crying—keep it moderate; try not to let it turn into constant weeping.

Don't stress about your age. What would you say if you were 51 and felt like so much was still left unachieved?

Once again: don't force it, and don't overdo anything.

All the best!

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@nimblewolf11, those are some genuinely solid pieces of advice right there 👍—honestly, I’d probably suggest the exact same thing to her...
Back when I was actually sticking to a lifestyle like that, I felt incredible—but more importantly, I felt centered, you know? Just had such a clear, calm head on my shoulders. I'm really trying my best to get back on that right track 🙂

We aren't actually making any real progress if we only nurture certain parts of our personality while letting everything else just... slide into decay...
In these situations, we’re basically "missing the mark"—mostly because we’re ignoring the physical side of things. It’s like we get stuck in this endless, unconscious loop of mental chatter—searching for answers without ever taking a single concrete step—which ends up creating this massive imbalance in our mind-body connection and how we interact with the world around us.

For instance,
if someone has a sluggish or inactive body, they really need to push themselves toward movement within their current limits (especially those who are super mentally active!)—rather than falling into the trap of saying, "Oh, I'll start tomorrow," or next week, or next month, or next decade... or next lifetime!

On the flip side, someone with an overactive mind (like Jeffrey Booth51) shouldn't be looking for exercises to stimulate the brain... quite the opposite! They need routines designed to calm things down and quiet the mental noise... essentially finding ways to reach a state of true relaxation.

Now, I’d definitely suggest that
a qualified professional—someone with a clinical diagnosis or specialized training—is the one to go to for recommending a targeted program involving physical exercise, meditation, diet, massage, self-massage, and so on.

Just to be clear: I’m not trying to lecture anyone or tell you what to do (heaven forbid!), but rather just offering a little reminder or pointing out something useful that most of you here probably already know—either through experience or just pure intuition.

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Sam Hayes said:@nimblewolf11, those are some genuinely solid pieces of advice right there 👍—honestly, I’d probably suggest the exact same thing to her...
Back when I was actually sticking to a lifestyle like that, I felt incredible—but more importantly, I felt centered, you know? Just had such a clear, calm head on my shoulders. I'm really trying my best to get back on that right track 🙂

Just stay persistent and keep moving forward!

Facebook, thanks for all the advice 🙂
I’ve actually been trying to stay calm lately... and I’ve started realizing things that you know intellectually, but can never quite seem to put into practice when life gets messy.
I’ve begun implementing some of those realizations, mostly just letting go of the mindless nonsense that drains my energy.
It’s a slow process, really, and I still have a lot of mental clutter to clear out... but I’m not going to force it; I feel like I need this quiet period to prepare myself for whatever comes next.
I used to always think I needed this or that, or that because the situation was such-and-such, I had to act immediately—but how can anyone be productive if they don't stop for a second to actually choose their direction? Lately, I’m trying to embrace the uncertainty and make sure I do at least one thing for myself every single day, something I’ve always talked about doing but never actually did. It turns out those are usually just the little things I neglected because I was too busy chasing these massive goals that, frankly, haven't worked out for me much yet 🙂
I also managed to help out a cousin recently through just talking things through; he’s going through his own set of struggles... we had a long, meaningful conversation, and I feel good knowing I might have helped him even a little bit. That’s something I genuinely enjoy doing... and I think I’m getting better at it because I’m learning to expect less of a reward in return, haha. I’ve never been one to demand recognition, though there’s usually some form of it anyway. I’m working on letting go of that expectation entirely, too, because I know I am capable of it.
I did have a bit of a breakdown a couple of nights ago—just cried it out, went to sleep... and woke up feeling completely renewed. There really is truth to the idea that people can endure far more than they realize.

Facebook, thanks again for the guidance; I’m going to try and find some exercises that suit me so I can settle this restless spirit of mine.
DJ Khaled, you have my full support, just stay brave 🙂