#21 ·
Joshua Gomez said:That’s probably a factor too, I suppose! Thanks!
Joshua Gomez said:First off, thanks for giving me a few minutes of your time!
I guess so I can make sense to you all, I should probably tell you a bit about myself, though I'll try to keep it brief.
I'm 31, and I've been working in media as a host for quite a while now.
When I was 12, I moved over to Switzerland, and then around age 16, things started getting heavy mentally. It started with just this random fear and panic for no reason at all, but even as a kid, I was really attached to my mom and dad who stayed behind in Canada. Around 17, I came back to the States and everything felt okay for maybe a year, until one night I just... I started thinking about my breathing. I couldn't wrap my head around how that process just happens automatically without me doing anything, and suddenly, this massive panic and fear just hit me. Since then, I haven't been able to stop obsessing over my breathing. Of course, I saw a psychologist and a neuropsychiatrist, and they put me on Lexapro. Talking things through helped a lot, but I know the medication played a huge part too. My psychologist diagnosed me with OCD—obsessive-compulsive thoughts. But since I started feeling better, I stopped taking them. Well, I tried to, anyway. I did it gradually on my own, cutting down to half a pill a day for two months, then a quarter for another couple of months, and finally, I just stopped. But now, these questions have started creeping back in. Like, who are we, really? What kind of world are we living in? What is Life? What are people? I feel like I'm constantly hunting for answers to existence, but I can't stop. And even when I find an answer—any answer—I just end up denying it, and then I get paranoid because I don't even know what to think anymore, or if I'm even capable of thinking! I just... I don't know anything anymore, and then the panic and fear follow immediately. When I take Xanax, I feel a bit better, and I can push those thoughts aside and act like a normal person. I worked with my psychologist on trying to distance myself from my inner child, trying to step into this more "adult" role and be a serious person. To be honest, my whole life has kind of been a joke; I dated a lot of girls, mostly just to fill the void and run away from these thoughts. He told me once that I look at myself as a subject, that I'm a researcher type who just needs to know everything. But he said a person can't truly know everything—that we only ever grasp maybe 80 percent of what we call "the truth." That's how he said I view the world. Anyway, that psychologist doesn't do therapy anymore, so I can't go back to him.
Since I keep falling into these deep rabbit holes under this constant fear, and I feel like I'm losing my grip and losing my mind, I wanted to ask for your professional opinion. Am I actually moving toward becoming a rational human being through all this, or am I just going crazy? I have this feeling that I *have* to go through all this just so I can finally reach my own conclusions and start living like everyone else. It’s almost like I’m intentionally throwing myself into these existential crises just so I can eventually say, "See? I didn't lose it, everything is fine." Please, I really need your insight...
And lately, this is hitting me harder than anything else yet:
I don't even know where to begin or what to write, because I don't even know how to think or what to think anymore!
Existence, who am I, who are all these people around me, where did this planet come from, where does life come from... these massive questions race through my head every single moment. And any answer I try to give myself, I just deny it. I deny everything inside my head, and there's just fear, nothing but fear passing through me. I walk around like a zombie, I go to work like a zombie. I'm terrified of losing my mind because I feel like I'm right on the edge and there's no hope left for me. I watch other people living so easily within their beliefs and their goals, totally fearless, and I don't know why I think this way, but it's like I view them as foolish for believing in anything at all. Honestly, I wish I could be that "foolish" too. I wish I could just believe that it's all part of a divine plan, or that there's one God who gave us everything, but I can't. I can't even trust myself, let alone hold onto any opinion. I deny existence itself. Some people say, "I see it, so obviously it exists," but I can't even bring myself to believe that. Why???
Why is this happening? I'm terrified of the emptiness in my head. I'm scared of everything because I don't understand anything. Sometimes I think maybe I'm just afraid of living, and afraid of accepting anything at all.
Everything just feels ugly, and I’m feeling completely drained... totally listless. I keep telling myself, okay, this is just how things are, nothing can be changed, but my brain just won't let me accept it. I just can't. I don't know anything anymore, and I'm just not accepting anything at all. Why am I so afraid of everything? I can't even talk sense into myself. Looking at the world, or maybe just looking at everyone else, I feel like I'm right on the edge of just checking into some mental health facility in a place like Seattle, where they just feed me and let me stare at a single spot on the wall forever.
I'm just totally lost. I don't see any way out, or any answers to any questions. It's like I don't even exist, or nothing does. I don't even know how I'm writing this, but I am.
Hi everyone!
I'm new here and I'm dealing with the exact same things you are. For me, it all kicked off with a panic attack about two months ago, followed by constant anxiety and all the misery that comes with it. I saw a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder along with panic attacks, and he prescribed Xanax and Zoloft, though I haven't started taking them yet. After making a few changes in my life, I had this brief window where things felt great—just a little nervous, but a total rebirth. But now that I'm in that PMS phase, all those issues you mentioned have come roaring back, and I have to admit, it's horrific!! I look at people and start spiraling: what kind of strange creatures are we? Who am I? What is my role in this world? What purpose do we serve? It got so overwhelming that I almost felt terrified of my own husband when I saw him this morning, which triggered a full-on panic attack. In the meantime, I switched to a private therapist who actually went through panic attacks and anxiety herself. I messaged her about feeling like I'm losing my mind, fearing my brain isn't built to handle these "big questions," and she told me that it's perfectly normal for someone dealing with anxiety and panic, and that we'll work through it all in psychotherapy. Until then, I'm just struggling and questioning everything that used to feel perfectly normal to me. Believe me, I'm just waiting to get my Life back, to reach a point where I don't have to ask "why do humans have two eyes?" during a simple conversation... Fear really does perform miracles!