When are parents officially "done"?

Edward Murphy4 said:Give me a break, that’s some seriously toxic logic right there.☕
Thank God the author clearly has a better handle on things than you do.

I don't know how old the brothers are, but regardless—get them on the right track, help them get on their own two feet ASAP, and then they can just cut ties with those manic parents and let them wallow in their own dysfunction. Good luck!🙂

Really?
If you end up stranded without a dime and lose your daughter, you think you don't deserve help from her?

She wrote that she’s in a bad spot. You, in all caps, claimed things won't get better—that life is just a miserable, broken mess. I am telling you again: things can improve. Life becomes whatever you decide to make of it.
I grew up in pretty significant poverty myself, yet I never bought into the idea that life was some hopeless disaster. I always maintained the belief that things could, and would, get better. That I could build a superior life for myself, both materially and spiritually. And I have succeeded. It is entirely possible.

She isn't helping her family this way. In fact, she is degrading herself, both financially and emotionally.
Naturally, she will care for her own child if she has one, alongside the father. But when it comes to able-bodied parents living on low incomes, an alcoholic father, and a mother who simply stays silent and endures? No. She owes them nothing.

The fact that we all face mortality eventually is no excuse to let people walk all over us or to ruin our own lives. Quite the opposite. It is a tragedy to waste an entire lifetime stuck in a state like this when staying in it is entirely optional. The choice is hers.

Suppose for instance her father knocks on the door and says: "Honey, I am sorry for all the pain my behavior has caused you. I have made a firm decision to go through rehab for my alcoholism. I know I have no right to ask anything of you after everything, but your support would mean a great deal." In that specific scenario, I would encourage her to be there for him.

mistycrane19 said:Really?
If you end up stranded without a dime and lose your daughter, you think you don't deserve help from her?

HELL NO. If I hit rock bottom and can't even afford baby formula or clothes, I’d be a total failure of a parent—I should basically have my kids taken away and handed over to someone actually capable.☕

It’s honestly pathetic that anyone even has to explain this.☕

Linda Bishop4 said:She wrote that she’s in a bad spot. You, in all caps, claimed things won't get better—that life is just a miserable, broken mess. I am telling you again: things can improve. Life becomes whatever you decide to make of it.
I grew up in pretty significant poverty myself, yet I never bought into the idea that life was some hopeless disaster. I always maintained the belief that things could, and would, get better. That I could build a superior life for myself, both materially and spiritually. And I have succeeded. It is entirely possible.

She isn't helping her family this way. In fact, she is degrading herself, both financially and emotionally.
Naturally, she will care for her own child if she has one, alongside the father. But when it comes to able-bodied parents living on low incomes, an alcoholic father, and a mother who simply stays silent and endures? No. She owes them nothing.

The fact that we all face mortality eventually is no excuse to let people walk all over us or to ruin our own lives. Quite the opposite. It is a tragedy to waste an entire lifetime stuck in a state like this when staying in it is entirely optional. The choice is hers.

Suppose for instance her father knocks on the door and says: "Honey, I am sorry for all the pain my behavior has caused you. I have made a firm decision to go through rehab for my alcoholism. I know I have no right to ask anything of you after everything, but your support would mean a great deal." In that specific scenario, I would encourage her to be there for him.

Read my post again. I wasn't addressing her specifically; I was making a general observation.

But no, things won't get better for her. As long as she's haunted by the fact that they're moving on, she'll stay stuck.
I know what I’d do.

And if being a freak for helping my own people in any situation makes me one, then fine. Let it be.

My old man was an alcoholic. He came into my room asking for help—even though we'd talked about it before—so we went to a rehab center in Chicago. He did his time. I visited him every single day and brought him supplies, even though we were never exactly close.

Edward Murphy4 said:HELL NO. If I hit rock bottom and can't even afford baby formula or clothes, I’d be a total failure of a parent—I should basically have my kids taken away and handed over to someone actually capable.☕

It’s honestly pathetic that anyone even has to explain this.☕

It’s pathetic how little you grasp the reality here. Alcoholism is practically the national pastime in America, and we are dealing with a massive crisis because of it.

It’s a grim reality. In almost every other household, women are either enduring psychological abuse or, on top of that, taking a hit behind the ear because of an alcoholic partner.

Just leave. Honestly.

mistycrane19 said:It’s pathetic how little you grasp the reality here. Alcoholism is practically the national pastime in America, and we are dealing with a massive crisis because of it.

It’s a grim reality. In almost every other household, women are either enduring psychological abuse or, on top of that, taking a hit behind the ear because of an alcoholic partner.

Just leave. Honestly.

Don't even try to change the subject.😉
Gotta say, this whole "widespread alcoholism and violence" thing feels a bit like science fiction to me. I never saw any of that in my family—not even close.🤷

Look, his prevalence doesn't even matter here. Even if 99% of alcoholics and violent types were in America, that wouldn't make their behavior any less inexcusable. So, honestly—I have no idea what you're actually trying to get at.🤷

Your real issue is that you clearly can't—and maybe never will—emotionally detach enough from your parents to see the big picture. They’ve still got you in their grip, messing with your head just like they have been all these damn years. But hey, enjoy it.👍 Just don't go around giving anyone else that same advice.

Edward Murphy4 said:Don't even try to change the subject.😉
Gotta say, this whole "widespread alcoholism and violence" thing feels a bit like science fiction to me. I never saw any of that in my family—not even close.🤷

Look, his prevalence doesn't even matter here. Even if 99% of alcoholics and violent types were in America, that wouldn't make their behavior any less inexcusable. So, honestly—I have no idea what you're actually trying to get at.🤷

Your real issue is that you clearly can't—and maybe never will—emotionally detach enough from your parents to see the big picture. They’ve still got you in their grip, messing with your head just like they have been all these damn years. But hey, enjoy it.👍 Just don't go around giving anyone else that same advice.

If you actually believe there's no link between alcoholism and mental or physical abuse, then we're done here. ☕

Must be nice living in your little bubble!

The bottom line is this: when you enable someone's reckless, pathological behavior, you aren't helping—you're actually an accomplice, and you're doing them a massive disservice.

Love isn't about swallowing their crap and letting them walk all over you.

Real love is when you finally grit your teeth and stop letting them act out like that.

It’s about being honest and telling them exactly what's up.

It's forcing them to actually face themselves—to deal with their own shitty decisions and those broken patterns they keep repeating.

Anyone who thinks playing the martyr and constantly sacrificing themselves actually works needs to grow up.
Playing Mother Teresa just feeds their ego and nothing else.

Look, people don't need you to bail them out endlessly while they destroy themselves—just because you share some DNA or a relationship doesn't mean you have to go down with the ship. By doing that, you aren't helping; you're just making things worse.

Angela Newman33 said:The bottom line is this: when you enable someone's reckless, pathological behavior, you aren't helping—you're actually an accomplice, and you're doing them a massive disservice.

Love isn't about swallowing their crap and letting them walk all over you.

Real love is when you finally grit your teeth and stop letting them act out like that.

It’s about being honest and telling them exactly what's up.

It's forcing them to actually face themselves—to deal with their own shitty decisions and those broken patterns they keep repeating.

Anyone who thinks playing the martyr and constantly sacrificing themselves actually works needs to grow up.
Playing Mother Teresa just feeds their ego and nothing else.

Look, people don't need you to bail them out endlessly while they destroy themselves—just because you share some DNA or a relationship doesn't mean you have to go down with the ship. By doing that, you aren't helping; you're just making things worse.

Sure, that logic holds up, but people caught in addiction rarely grasp the core issue. The mother ends up being a secondary factor, staying quiet just to keep some fake sense of peace in the house.

Who knows how much the old man drinks or how abusive he gets when he's wasted? Either way, he needs rehab.

The mother won't suggest it to her husband, so the daughter has to step up. In his eyes, she's an adult now—independent, earning her own paycheck. He might actually listen to her. But then again, addicts almost never admit they have a problem.

mistycrane19 said:Sure, that logic holds up, but people caught in addiction rarely grasp the core issue. The mother ends up being a secondary factor, staying quiet just to keep some fake sense of peace in the house.

Who knows how much the old man drinks or how abusive he gets when he's wasted? Either way, he needs rehab.

The mother won't suggest it to her husband, so the daughter has to step up. In his eyes, she's an adult now—independent, earning her own paycheck. He might actually listen to her. But then again, addicts almost never admit they have a problem.

Yeah, right, like he's gonna listen to his daughter... give me a break. 🤣

Hey, you might want to pick up *Toxic Parents* or maybe check out *What Game Are You Playing?* I can't recall the exact authors offhand, but they’ll really help you make sense of the mess you're currently stuck in. Honestly, you've just been cast in a specific role within their dysfunctional dynamic. You’ve essentially become the parent in this relationship while they play the kids; you've inherited the entire burden because they've figured out they can lean on you indefinitely.

I'm not quite sure what the best advice would be, other than focusing your energy on your brothers rather than your parents. Your parents are grown adults, and they should be responsible for themselves—if they haven't learned how to do that by now, they probably aren't going to, and it isn't your job to fix them. On the flip side, your brothers aren't to blame for this, nor should they be forced to endure it. Based on your description, I can't tell exactly how dire things have gotten, but if the situation is truly as bad as it sounds and you see them heading down a dark path by staying there, I think you might need to take some actual steps. Whether that means calling Child Protective Services, taking them in yourself, or something else entirely. If things are somewhat manageable, then just stop handing cash over to your parents; give it strictly to your brothers. Just be careful that they don't end up mimicking your parents' behavior—especially if they're hitting those teenage years and start blowing money on nonsense. Maybe just help out with groceries and essentials, because you'll quickly realize it's a losing game if all that money just ends up being spent on beer and other useless stuff.

Whatever you do, don't just hand them cash—you have zero clue what they’ll actually blow it on.

Buy groceries, or if things are really bad, grab some shoes for your brothers.
Pay their school lunch directly—but again, don't give them the money for it. Just go online or head down there and pay the school yourself.

They're going to take advantage of you because they know you'll jump in the second an "emergency" pops up. But once they realize they don't have the dough for gas, cigarettes, or whatever other nonsense they're into, they'll be forced to actually manage their own money or start begging someone else.
That's how you slowly wean them off of you.

And stay sharp—they will literally invent anything just to squeeze cash out of you... don't fall for it.
When they try one of those tricks, hit them back with something smart and clever.
If they claim they're sick and need meds, go buy the medicine yourself. It's worth the extra effort to do it personally rather than just sending them the cash.

They’ll get pretty creative when it comes to draining your bank account, so you have to be even more creative. You've gotta put in the work to stay one step ahead and outsmart them.

Just remember... absolutely no cash. Not for anything.
If they tell you the power is getting cut off, go handle the bill yourself. You can't take their word for it—their addiction will always find some new way to live at your expense.

After a while, they'll get bored or frustrated when they see you aren't biting, and they'll have to figure out another way to survive... use that time to gradually break the cycle of them depending on you.

Trust me, I've been through this before. 🤣

Rather than quoting everyone individually, I’ll try to address everything in a more general sense.
I don't think I made myself clear enough... I live and work in a different city now—where I also went to college—so I'm quite far from them. This means picking up groceries or supplies for them isn't really an option. Nor is handing over money to my brothers, since they're still minors; besides, I've had situations with them before where I ended up with less than $17 left in my wallet, so I don't exactly trust their word when it comes to finances...

Yes, I still love my mother, even if she might be just as responsible as my father for this whole mess. As for him, I couldn't care less, but I still care about her. She’s had a brutal life—not just because of him, but because of the workplace harassment she endured; she even suffered a nervous breakdown, not to mention other things... Still, I find myself hoping that she’ll finally stop playing the victim, find some inner strength, and actually take a stand for once in her life... while there are still other people who depend on the two of them. And regarding the money situation: the whole household lives off her half of the paycheck, because my father contributes absolutely nothing. Her issue is that after all the nonsense, she still trusts him even when he lies to her face. It has to be some kind of pathology; I honestly can't wrap my head around it. She doesn't even recognize when he's drunk when he walks through the door. She’ll hand him her credit card and PIN just because he promised he was only withdrawing enough to buy a loaf of bread. I just don't know... I don't understand her at all.

When my father drinks, he isn't usually physically violent. His method is more about mockery and psychological humiliation. Whether he's drunk or sober, he’s a misogynistic jerk, and I stopped paying any attention to his venom a long time ago. Everyone else is afraid of him, including my mother, who has absolutely no authority without him. Perhaps that's the reason she won't leave him. If he actually came to me and said he wanted treatment for alcoholism, I wouldn't lift a finger to help him. If it weren't for the mountain of debt he keeps piling onto all of us, I wouldn't feel bad if he just dropped dead.

Regarding what some of you said, I don't believe my parents have burdened me with anything. I was actually helping them even when I was a minor, hello? What do you mean "support until 25"? I could describe the horrific situations where we hit rock bottom, but I won't. Because if I did, I wouldn't be able to rationally explain why I still love my mother after everything, or why I can't help them, even at my own expense. And yes, it probably isn't the smartest move to keep supporting them. There's no point in arguing here, though, because I simply can't just stop giving them money and leave them with nothing. I thought I could learn to just suppress that anger toward them, to rationalize it. I hoped someone would tell me that what I'm doing is okay. In the end, it turns out I agree with most of you—that I am hurting myself. Dammit. I guess I'll just have to learn how to live with that for a while. Thank you, everyone.

It is certainly difficult to witness parents in such a predicament, but I find myself agreeing with the consensus: you have to stop providing them with financial support.

You are merely perpetuating a cycle. You assist your mother out of love, she assists your father because of her own affection for him... you criticize her behavior, yet you end up mirroring it. You claim to love her despite everything—which is perfectly understandable—but she clearly loves your father in the same way, choosing to give him money rather than ensuring she has enough for groceries. Then, you set aside funds for her, effectively doing the exact same thing. As long as you refuse to stop giving to her in hopes that she will change, she will continue to hope for his change.

You question why she won't stop, yet you find yourself unable to break the chain yourself. It is easy to wish to change her, but far more difficult to change oneself.

You need to establish your own independence. The most counterproductive thing you can do is provide help in this manner. Even when it feels incredibly harsh, they must learn to manage their own affairs. I realize how difficult that realization is.

Furthermore, I disagree with the suggestion regarding buying groceries, especially since you noted that isn't even an option; any money intended for food will likely be diverted elsewhere by them. As long as they know you will step in to catch them, there is no incentive for their behavior to change.

You might consider stepping in for specific necessities, such as tuition or unexpected educational expenses. Perhaps helping with college rent is reasonable. However, paying their recurring monthly bills is not. This is particularly true given that the family does have the funds; they simply lack discipline in how they spend them.