Help... Is this depression? Should I stay or should I walk? :(

In any case, placidpilot10, I don't believe it's particularly healthy to get engaged based on a relationship that consists solely of internet chats, phone calls, and a single vacation.

Linda Bishop4 said:In any case, placidpilot10, I don't believe it's particularly healthy to get engaged based on a relationship that consists solely of internet chats, phone calls, and a single vacation.

And she's got a point.

Living with someone else—in any capacity—forces a massive shift in your reality. Not everyone handles those changes well, and we certainly don't all adapt in the same way. It’s not that placidpilot10's guy is some bad person or inherently malicious... it's just that he's likely struggling quite heavily with that sudden loss of independence, especially while being in a foreign country...

Thanks for the feedback. I accept whatever answers you have to give, but this isn't manipulation. I know him. I know his soul. I was prepared for anything except this.
He isn’t aggressive. He isn't some macho type or a player. I've been here for over twenty days, and I still have full access to his phone and email. He barely even uses the computer. But this "but" is destroying me. I cannot wrap my head around how someone can love you—how I could have been the most loved person on Earth—and then suddenly just stop. No reason. We've spent the last few days talking. Not fighting, just talking. He tells me honestly that he thinks he's happiest when he's alone. He says he's haunted by what happened to him, by the fact that he can't feel the way he expected to feel, and that everything just bothers him now. He says he feels most at peace when he's asleep. He hopes he'll wake up from this, but I'm losing hope. I see the pattern. I know exactly what I'm risking by staying. I would do anything, even force things, just to fix us one step at a time. When I tell him that, he says he can't. He says it would be an act. He won't hold my hand or kiss me, let alone go to bed with me. He refuses to fake it because he respects me too much as a person. He thinks if we went to bed, it would just be physical release, and he won't do that to me because he knows how much I meant to him. He remembers how powerful it felt when we were good. Then he adds: "And know this, it has nothing to do with you."
It gets worse every single day. I'm still clinging to this tiny shred of hope that he'll snap out of it and become the man he used to be.
We haven't even had enough time together to get tired of one another. In these twenty-some days, only the first three or four were okay. After that, I spent the rest of the time waiting for him to wake up while he spent every day pushing me further away.
I am sad. I am desperate. And I still have no idea what to do. I love him, yet he tells me he feels nothing. On the other hand, I feel worthless and humiliated, and I know I don't deserve this.
Lately, he just withdraws. He sits in front of the TV or sleeps. Every attempt I make to talk about this ends with: "Don't pressure me. I need peace. Just let it go; maybe I'll feel like myself again." I can't relax. I can't shake this tension. I've actually started feeling uncomfortable in this house. Like I'm unwanted. Like I'm a nuisance.
😢((Horrible... just absolute horror.🤷

Don’t be too aggressive about it... just let him know you’re there—discreetly, if you will—without pulling away. Honestly, just act the way you’d want someone to act if you were stuck in his shoes. I don't know, I still have this nagging feeling that what he's going through isn't actually depression 🤷

placidpilot10 said:Thanks for the feedback. I accept whatever answers you have to give, but this isn't manipulation. I know him. I know his soul. I was prepared for anything except this.
He isn’t aggressive. He isn't some macho type or a player. I've been here for over twenty days, and I still have full access to his phone and email. He barely even uses the computer. But this "but" is destroying me. I cannot wrap my head around how someone can love you—how I could have been the most loved person on Earth—and then suddenly just stop. No reason. We've spent the last few days talking. Not fighting, just talking. He tells me honestly that he thinks he's happiest when he's alone. He says he's haunted by what happened to him, by the fact that he can't feel the way he expected to feel, and that everything just bothers him now. He says he feels most at peace when he's asleep. He hopes he'll wake up from this, but I'm losing hope. I see the pattern. I know exactly what I'm risking by staying. I would do anything, even force things, just to fix us one step at a time. When I tell him that, he says he can't. He says it would be an act. He won't hold my hand or kiss me, let alone go to bed with me. He refuses to fake it because he respects me too much as a person. He thinks if we went to bed, it would just be physical release, and he won't do that to me because he knows how much I meant to him. He remembers how powerful it felt when we were good. Then he adds: "And know this, it has nothing to do with you."
It gets worse every single day. I'm still clinging to this tiny shred of hope that he'll snap out of it and become the man he used to be.
We haven't even had enough time together to get tired of one another. In these twenty-some days, only the first three or four were okay. After that, I spent the rest of the time waiting for him to wake up while he spent every day pushing me further away.
I am sad. I am desperate. And I still have no idea what to do. I love him, yet he tells me he feels nothing. On the other hand, I feel worthless and humiliated, and I know I don't deserve this.
Lately, he just withdraws. He sits in front of the TV or sleeps. Every attempt I make to talk about this ends with: "Don't pressure me. I need peace. Just let it go; maybe I'll feel like myself again." I can't relax. I can't shake this tension. I've actually started feeling uncomfortable in this house. Like I'm unwanted. Like I'm a nuisance.
😢((Horrible... just absolute horror.🤷

It feels almost as if you’ve catapulted me right back into my own past... 🙄 It is an almost identical situation, though in my case, I didn't move to a different state—I just moved to a different neighborhood. You see, you aren't actually experiencing anything truly unique here; nothing that hasn't happened to me, and likely to many others, before. It’s all the same cycle. We both went through those "peak emotions," except for the fact that he was my very first love. Before him, my experience with relationships was essentially zero. He was quite literally my hero—completely devoted to me, with his whole heart, soul, and body. He helped me navigate actual, real-life struggles I was facing back then; he did so much good and noble things for me that it took years... yes, years... to stop remembering them every single time I would try, unsuccessfully, to walk away from him. And the pattern never stopped. He always knew exactly how to surprise me, like when he’d place a new star in the palm of my hand just to wipe away the literal ocean of tears I’d shed because of him. Because of his need to be alone (which meant total unavailability for certain stretches of time), his need to sleep and sleep and sleep whenever a problem surfaced that required solving, his need to play the martyr and act miserable, his tendency to live as if I didn't even exist, and his habit of retreating into silence for days on end... But every night, we would cling to each other in bed like two desperate souls who loved one another endlessly. Eventually, there was a gradual calming down. After a few breakups and reunions, he finally started pulling himself out of the darkness and began focusing on the world around him, working toward building a life together. Even then, those episodes of withdrawal still happened, just much less frequently. Ultimately, however, I just burned out. I stopped desiring him as a man. To be fair, our sex life was perfectly functional during those periods; if it hadn't been, I don't know... I would have left much sooner, because that was what connected us. Everything he couldn't express through words or tenderness, he expressed through intimacy. But I grew weary of the constant struggle against his unstable psyche. I stopped seeing him as a partner because he wasn't one. We weren't equals; I was always the strong one, and he was always the weak one. I started wanting someone else—someone I could be with without the crushing weight of uncertainty, wondering when his next "episode" would strike. It took me a long time, a very long time... far too long... to realize that I simply don't want a life like that, regardless of all the beautiful, wonderful moments we shared when he was actually doing okay. He really did try; he worked on himself and made progress, and things would go well for a while, but he always required my help and my endless understanding. And then, after a certain amount of time, he would always, inevitably, mess it all up again. 😢
He never truly let me go, you know? I was the one who walked away... and honestly, it took every ounce of strength I possessed to keep from turning back around. It’s funny how the mind works—memories have this treacherous way of playing tricks on you, surfacing only the most beautiful, flawless moments while burying everything else deep underground.

placidpilot10 said:Thanks for the feedback. I accept whatever answers you have to give, but this isn't manipulation. I know him. I know his soul. I was prepared for anything except this.
He isn’t aggressive. He isn't some macho type or a player. I've been here for over twenty days, and I still have full access to his phone and email. He barely even uses the computer. But this "but" is destroying me. I cannot wrap my head around how someone can love you—how I could have been the most loved person on Earth—and then suddenly just stop. No reason. We've spent the last few days talking. Not fighting, just talking. He tells me honestly that he thinks he's happiest when he's alone. He says he's haunted by what happened to him, by the fact that he can't feel the way he expected to feel, and that everything just bothers him now. He says he feels most at peace when he's asleep. He hopes he'll wake up from this, but I'm losing hope. I see the pattern. I know exactly what I'm risking by staying. I would do anything, even force things, just to fix us one step at a time. When I tell him that, he says he can't. He says it would be an act. He won't hold my hand or kiss me, let alone go to bed with me. He refuses to fake it because he respects me too much as a person. He thinks if we went to bed, it would just be physical release, and he won't do that to me because he knows how much I meant to him. He remembers how powerful it felt when we were good. Then he adds: "And know this, it has nothing to do with you."
It gets worse every single day. I'm still clinging to this tiny shred of hope that he'll snap out of it and become the man he used to be.
We haven't even had enough time together to get tired of one another. In these twenty-some days, only the first three or four were okay. After that, I spent the rest of the time waiting for him to wake up while he spent every day pushing me further away.
I am sad. I am desperate. And I still have no idea what to do. I love him, yet he tells me he feels nothing. On the other hand, I feel worthless and humiliated, and I know I don't deserve this.
Lately, he just withdraws. He sits in front of the TV or sleeps. Every attempt I make to talk about this ends with: "Don't pressure me. I need peace. Just let it go; maybe I'll feel like myself again." I can't relax. I can't shake this tension. I've actually started feeling uncomfortable in this house. Like I'm unwanted. Like I'm a nuisance.
😢((Horrible... just absolute horror.🤷

It really is awful. It feels like the only way to cope is to hide away in front of the television or just drift off into dreams. I truly feel for placidpilot10, but honestly, this seems to be his go-to method for handling anything life throws at him—whether he’s just trying to organize his thoughts or dealing with actual, tangible issues down the road, like parenting struggles or whatever else comes up.

placidpilot10 said:Thanks for the feedback. I accept whatever answers you have to give, but this isn't manipulation. I know him. I know his soul. I was prepared for anything except this.
He isn’t aggressive. He isn't some macho type or a player. I've been here for over twenty days, and I still have full access to his phone and email. He barely even uses the computer. But this "but" is destroying me. I cannot wrap my head around how someone can love you—how I could have been the most loved person on Earth—and then suddenly just stop. No reason. We've spent the last few days talking. Not fighting, just talking. He tells me honestly that he thinks he's happiest when he's alone. He says he's haunted by what happened to him, by the fact that he can't feel the way he expected to feel, and that everything just bothers him now. He says he feels most at peace when he's asleep. He hopes he'll wake up from this, but I'm losing hope. I see the pattern. I know exactly what I'm risking by staying. I would do anything, even force things, just to fix us one step at a time. When I tell him that, he says he can't. He says it would be an act. He won't hold my hand or kiss me, let alone go to bed with me. He refuses to fake it because he respects me too much as a person. He thinks if we went to bed, it would just be physical release, and he won't do that to me because he knows how much I meant to him. He remembers how powerful it felt when we were good. Then he adds: "And know this, it has nothing to do with you."
It gets worse every single day. I'm still clinging to this tiny shred of hope that he'll snap out of it and become the man he used to be.
We haven't even had enough time together to get tired of one another. In these twenty-some days, only the first three or four were okay. After that, I spent the rest of the time waiting for him to wake up while he spent every day pushing me further away.
I am sad. I am desperate. And I still have no idea what to do. I love him, yet he tells me he feels nothing. On the other hand, I feel worthless and humiliated, and I know I don't deserve this.
Lately, he just withdraws. He sits in front of the TV or sleeps. Every attempt I make to talk about this ends with: "Don't pressure me. I need peace. Just let it go; maybe I'll feel like myself again." I can't relax. I can't shake this tension. I've actually started feeling uncomfortable in this house. Like I'm unwanted. Like I'm a nuisance.
😢((Horrible... just absolute horror.🤷

Try actually stepping back from analyzing all these emotional experiences and focus on concrete facts. Don't hover around him like a needy puppy or, even worse, a toddler begging for attention saying, "Please, love me, just a little bit, please, please!" 😢 Instead, try communicating with him on an adult level.
Speak to him calmly. Remind him—without being insulting—that he is the man for whom you left your job and your entire life back home because he proposed and asked you to move here, and now he's acting like a child playing games. How can he not feel ashamed? Does he think this is some game? You could tell him that later, perhaps after sweetly asking him when his English classes start. If he screws you over there too, then walk away. If he doesn't love you, you won't find any substitute for his dead emotions. Just give him the finger and say goodbye. ☕
Ultimately, if you learn Dutch, work hard for a year, and save up some cash before moving back home to the States, you’ve already come out ahead.
When you really sit down and think about it, stop wondering how he feels about you and start asking what he can actually do for you...

My first thought when I read that was: maybe this isn't even coming from him. Maybe it’s some meddling relative getting in his ear, telling him he shouldn't be with her or something like that. It feels like he's just too chicken to tell her the truth, leaving him stuck right in the middle of two different sides. Hey there.

placidpilot10 The user states:
I know him. I know his very soul.

Sure, you think you know him. You think you know his soul—the one he carefully curated over phone calls, social media, and that one annual getaway. You’re convinced you know the man he wants you to see. But let's be clear: you don't actually know him in real life.

It isn't aggression. He isn't some macho caricature, nor is he driven by base impulses.

No one is actually claiming that. Fine. If we want to discuss aggression—non-physical aggression, specifically—we could have that conversation here.

So, here I am. Over twenty days now. I have constant access to his phone and his email. He barely touches a computer anymore.

That means absolutely nothing on its own. Good God, even if they are messaging or talking to someone, you can be certain they aren't doing it right in front of you. There is always a way to hide it.
It isn't particularly significant. I was merely stating my conviction that, sooner or later, there will be others.

And I used to be the most loved person on the planet.

Not quite. You have simply found yourself trapped in the same cycle that countless others have endured, are enduring, and will inevitably continue to endure.

And then, just like that... the feeling vanishes. No reason. No warning. Just gone.

What exactly are you doing over there at his place, if that’s how you're looking at it? Waiting for him to start loving you again? 🙂

He refuses to play a part with me. He values my humanity far too much for that. He believes that even if we ended up in bed, it would be nothing more than a hollow release—strictly physical, to put it bluntly. He won't go there because he knows exactly how much I meant to him.

And, naturally, to you, this is all just more evidence of how "extraordinary" your little romance is. You truly believe it’s something transcendent. In your eyes, he isn't just some ordinary guy who actually wants to sleep with the person he loves. 🙏

He knows exactly how powerful he felt back when everything was running smoothly.

Well, this provides some decent material for discussion.

And after all that extra effort... well, let's just say it's none of your business...!!!

It is entirely your responsibility, dear placidpilot10, given the current circumstances. You need to take a stand. Decide exactly what you intend to say and how you will deliver it. It will immediately alleviate that sense of worthlessness and humiliation. You might try something like this: "Listen, damn it, I quit my job and moved across common ground to another part of Europe because of our plans! If those plans still exist, stop acting like an idiot; if you want me to move back home, then say it clearly. And if you're too indecisive to know what you want, fine—I'll make the decision for both of us." (But actually follow through on that.)
You are solely responsible for your own situation if you permit someone to treat you in a way you've already stated is unacceptable.

It has been one month since I arrived here. I have decided to stop fighting this battle and raise my white flag. I am surrendering.
I am packing my bags this week to visit friends in Denmark. I plan to return to the States in mid-January to attempt to reclaim my job.
Looking back at the last 25 days, I have lived through a literal hell. It is devastating to look at a man you know possesses such deep capacity for love and joy—someone who used to swear by you—only to see him reject any possibility of reconciliation. Instead of the man I knew, I see someone without a shred of will, someone who is fundamentally broken. He offers nothing but a vacant stare and hollow answers to every question.
I have stopped spiraling into daily depressions and endless crying. Instead, I spend my days sleeping in the guest room, trying my best not to disturb his peace or interfere with his work routine.
We spoke briefly last night. It is clear he is suffering. He keeps telling me, "I need space. I am unhappy with myself, so I cannot be happy with anyone else. I need to fix my head, and I can only do that alone. In this state, I am useless beyond just performing the job I need to survive." When I remind him that I moved here at his request, leaving my career behind based on his promises, he simply says, "That was then. I miss those times, but now I have to save myself before I can help anyone else."
Being on the receiving end is difficult. I love him just as much as I did before this happened, and I am convinced the man I love is trapped inside this dark vortex he has fallen into.
If there were a logical reason, it would be easier. If I actually knew why, I could handle the loss. We aren't children; neither of us is.
So, I have made my decision. Without telling him or asking for his help, I will pack quietly while he is at work this week and leave. I will grant him the silence he is begging for. For my part, I have remained calm, even when he said things to me a few days ago that were truly shocking. I haven't pushed him, and I haven't disrupted our household. My tolerance limits are high, but they are not infinite.
I feel worthless. Sad. Disgusting. Empty. I have lost my sense of self-worth, both physically and mentally. All I can do now is pray to God that I can stay on my feet and endure this.
I don't have the strength to contemplate what happens next. A part of me still hopes he will wake up and come looking for me, because in all our time together, he has never shown this dark side of himself.

This is not how I envisioned things, but life happens.
I try to believe that "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," but it is getting harder to believe that every day.

My regards to everyone who has been here for me. I value every comment you have shared; in this state, they mean everything.

placidpilot10 said:It has been one month since I arrived here. I have decided to stop fighting this battle and raise my white flag. I am surrendering.
I am packing my bags this week to visit friends in Denmark. I plan to return to the States in mid-January to attempt to reclaim my job.
Looking back at the last 25 days, I have lived through a literal hell. It is devastating to look at a man you know possesses such deep capacity for love and joy—someone who used to swear by you—only to see him reject any possibility of reconciliation. Instead of the man I knew, I see someone without a shred of will, someone who is fundamentally broken. He offers nothing but a vacant stare and hollow answers to every question.
I have stopped spiraling into daily depressions and endless crying. Instead, I spend my days sleeping in the guest room, trying my best not to disturb his peace or interfere with his work routine.
We spoke briefly last night. It is clear he is suffering. He keeps telling me, "I need space. I am unhappy with myself, so I cannot be happy with anyone else. I need to fix my head, and I can only do that alone. In this state, I am useless beyond just performing the job I need to survive." When I remind him that I moved here at his request, leaving my career behind based on his promises, he simply says, "That was then. I miss those times, but now I have to save myself before I can help anyone else."
Being on the receiving end is difficult. I love him just as much as I did before this happened, and I am convinced the man I love is trapped inside this dark vortex he has fallen into.
If there were a logical reason, it would be easier. If I actually knew why, I could handle the loss. We aren't children; neither of us is.
So, I have made my decision. Without telling him or asking for his help, I will pack quietly while he is at work this week and leave. I will grant him the silence he is begging for. For my part, I have remained calm, even when he said things to me a few days ago that were truly shocking. I haven't pushed him, and I haven't disrupted our household. My tolerance limits are high, but they are not infinite.
I feel worthless. Sad. Disgusting. Empty. I have lost my sense of self-worth, both physically and mentally. All I can do now is pray to God that I can stay on my feet and endure this.
I don't have the strength to contemplate what happens next. A part of me still hopes he will wake up and come looking for me, because in all our time together, he has never shown this dark side of himself.

This is not how I envisioned things, but life happens.
I try to believe that "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," but it is getting harder to believe that every day.

My regards to everyone who has been here for me. I value every comment you have shared; in this state, they mean everything.

Bravo. I cannot imagine a more logical course of action.

Hey dreamer,

Just caught up on this thread, and honestly? You're doing the right thing.
I went through the exact opposite a year ago. I was in a long-distance relationship for about 9 months—nothing crazy, just different parts of the US—and everything felt perfect. Then, he decided to move to my city. Suddenly, it was over. All those feelings I had? Gone in a matter of days. I just realized he wasn't the right person for me. It was weird, though. I tried to force myself to feel something, tried to find some spark or sense of obligation since we'd been together for a while, but the magic was just gone. (I'm guessing you're feeling that same void right now). We called it quits after about two weeks. He moved out, and I realized I was actually way happier without him.
How's he holding up? Probably feeling exactly what you're feeling, but look—it's better to end it now than to spend forever pretending to feel things that aren't there.
My advice? Just walk away and focus on yourself. It hurts like hell, but you'll get through it.

Sending you all the good vibes! 🙂