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Home › Society › Psychology › Psychology & Therapy › I can't stand myself

I can't stand myself

Started by ironraven13 · · 👁 7 views · 35 replies

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Participants ironraven13Bradley Taylor24Chris Harris20Peter Gray2Ethan Lee3casualharbor9Edward Murphy4Sean Green66Sandra Parker3Patrick Brown45fadedbear92hollowbear9Gregory Hayesferalrangerquietpilot87
fadedbear92 fadedbear92 Veteran
1.1K messages
joined Dec 2008
#21 ·
ironraven13 said:Yeah, sure... he gets to go out and hang with his buddies whenever he wants, but not me. Because I’m a girl. And because everyone’s staring at me.
And yeah, I'll probably just get raped.

Seriously, what century is this guy living in?
Patrick Brown45 Patrick Brown45 Member
14 messages
joined Aug 2010
#22 ·
fadedbear92 said:Seriously, what century is this guy living in?

Who knows, maybe he popped out of a time machine... or aliens snatched him up and dropped him back. 🙂.

I'll tell you what's actually going on here. He feels like things aren't clicking (and honestly, how could they if he’s desperate for connection?), so he gets insecure and turns jealous. Most likely, he knows exactly what he's doing, but he just can't help himself.
So, do him a favor. Lay it out for him. Tell him where things stand—that you're down for something casual if that's what he wants, but the second he gets possessive, you're out.

Don't go feeling guilty, either. Nobody forced you to step up; you did it because you cared, and love isn't some transaction where you expect a payout.
hollowbear9 hollowbear9 Newcomer
4 messages
joined Aug 2010
#23 ·
Listen, honey, I know this feeling all too well because I’ve lived through it myself—and honestly, I’m still working my way out of it. I’ll just echo what someone else already said more bluntly: you need to look at your relationship with your father to find the root of this. My own dad is one of those incredibly rigid, old-school types who either doesn't know how to show affection or simply refuses to, so my entire life has been defined by this heavy emotional distance... I eventually realized I was stuck in this repetitive, exhausting cycle where I spent my whole life chasing after total jerks who treated me exactly the way my father did. I recently sat down with a therapist who finally pulled back the curtain and opened my eyes to the truth.
I know exactly what you're going through; I've been right there in that dark place, feeling nothing but self-loathing. I have an absolutely wonderful, amazing boyfriend right by my side, yet I find myself staring at some complete idiot who will never treat me with respect, someone who makes me feel completely unloved... I don't have a magic solution for this, unfortunately, and it probably boils down to a massive hit to one's self-esteem, but realizing that the core issue lies with my father has been a game-changer. It helped me see why I constantly fall for emotionally unavailable people—even when it goes against everything I know to be true, even against my own common sense and sanity—knowing that these relationships will never actually make me happy. It might sound a bit silly to some, but I am seriously considering booking more sessions with my psychologist to figure out how to break free from this loop... maybe you should consider doing the same?
Patrick Brown45 Patrick Brown45 Member
14 messages
joined Aug 2010
#24 ·
hollowbear9 said:Listen, honey, I know this feeling all too well because I’ve lived through it myself—and honestly, I’m still working my way out of it. I’ll just echo what someone else already said more bluntly: you need to look at your relationship with your father to find the root of this. My own dad is one of those incredibly rigid, old-school types who either doesn't know how to show affection or simply refuses to, so my entire life has been defined by this heavy emotional distance... I eventually realized I was stuck in this repetitive, exhausting cycle where I spent my whole life chasing after total jerks who treated me exactly the way my father did. I recently sat down with a therapist who finally pulled back the curtain and opened my eyes to the truth.
I know exactly what you're going through; I've been right there in that dark place, feeling nothing but self-loathing. I have an absolutely wonderful, amazing boyfriend right by my side, yet I find myself staring at some complete idiot who will never treat me with respect, someone who makes me feel completely unloved... I don't have a magic solution for this, unfortunately, and it probably boils down to a massive hit to one's self-esteem, but realizing that the core issue lies with my father has been a game-changer. It helped me see why I constantly fall for emotionally unavailable people—even when it goes against everything I know to be true, even against my own common sense and sanity—knowing that these relationships will never actually make me happy. It might sound a bit silly to some, but I am seriously considering booking more sessions with my psychologist to figure out how to break free from this loop... maybe you should consider doing the same?

Spot on. The catch is that at her age, she can't just "fix" it overnight; she has to live through it. She won't truly grasp where the issue lies until she's gained enough life experience and looks back on everything.
We can talk ourselves hoarse, but remember: nobody can explain what fire feels like until you actually put your hand in it—or until you learn a bit of physics. 🙂
hollowbear9 hollowbear9 Newcomer
4 messages
joined Aug 2010
#25 ·
It’s true, I’ve never been much for following that old cliché about wise people learning from others' mistakes while fools learn from their own. Personally, I’ve always been the type to take the hard way, stumbling through my own messes over and over again... 😁
What actually helped was finally facing the music and realizing there was a pattern, even if I haven't quite figured out how to fix my own behavior yet. I’m 28 now, and I recently had this crushing realization that my father didn't show me the affection I needed, which basically left me emotionally wrecked from puberty onwards. And the absolute worst part is knowing exactly how this plays out—that after I lose my boyfriend, I’ll find myself stuck in some pathetic situationship with some jerk who doesn't give a damn about me, and I won't have any clue how to break out of that cycle. It’s exactly where I ended up before I finally got serious with my current partner. I am fully aware of every single consequence, but honestly... it doesn't make it any easier.
Patrick Brown45 Patrick Brown45 Member
14 messages
joined Aug 2010
#26 ·
hollowbear9 said:It’s true, I’ve never been much for following that old cliché about wise people learning from others' mistakes while fools learn from their own. Personally, I’ve always been the type to take the hard way, stumbling through my own messes over and over again... 😁
What actually helped was finally facing the music and realizing there was a pattern, even if I haven't quite figured out how to fix my own behavior yet. I’m 28 now, and I recently had this crushing realization that my father didn't show me the affection I needed, which basically left me emotionally wrecked from puberty onwards. And the absolute worst part is knowing exactly how this plays out—that after I lose my boyfriend, I’ll find myself stuck in some pathetic situationship with some jerk who doesn't give a damn about me, and I won't have any clue how to break out of that cycle. It’s exactly where I ended up before I finally got serious with my current partner. I am fully aware of every single consequence, but honestly... it doesn't make it any easier.

Actually, you aren't even that young given the stuff you're saying. 😬 That changes the math a bit. Yeah, you'll definitely end up with some insensitive idiot if you don't change something...
Maybe try group therapy? Ever heard of family constellation work? Or even something like a Reiki group? You get to hear how other people handled their mess, so it feels less risky because you realize you're not the only one going through it. 🙂
Ethan Lee3 Ethan Lee3 Newcomer
7 messages
joined Aug 2010
#27 ·
hollowbear9 said:It’s true, I’ve never been much for following that old cliché about wise people learning from others' mistakes while fools learn from their own. Personally, I’ve always been the type to take the hard way, stumbling through my own messes over and over again... 😁
What actually helped was finally facing the music and realizing there was a pattern, even if I haven't quite figured out how to fix my own behavior yet. I’m 28 now, and I recently had this crushing realization that my father didn't show me the affection I needed, which basically left me emotionally wrecked from puberty onwards. And the absolute worst part is knowing exactly how this plays out—that after I lose my boyfriend, I’ll find myself stuck in some pathetic situationship with some jerk who doesn't give a damn about me, and I won't have any clue how to break out of that cycle. It’s exactly where I ended up before I finally got serious with my current partner. I am fully aware of every single consequence, but honestly... it doesn't make it any easier.

It's great that you've recognized the pattern and want to deal with it,👍but I find it a bit much when people in their late twenties are still blaming their parents for everything that goes wrong in their lives.
Your dad was just a human being—just like every other parent out there. People aren't perfect, and they mess up. Are you planning on being a flawless mother and raising a child with zero issues?

So, because your dad was strict and traditional, you're 28 and still feeling totally lost.
Sorry, but using those kinds of excuses for your own mistakes and life choices feels 👎
hollowbear9 hollowbear9 Newcomer
4 messages
joined Aug 2010
#28 ·
Look, I’m fully aware that nobody is perfect. When it comes to the emotional side of things, my old man probably just didn't have the tools to handle it better, but I can't help blaming him for constantly lecturing me like I was some kind of child and pushing his obsession with perfectionism way too far... which honestly took a massive toll on my self-esteem. I spent my whole life feeling like I wasn't pretty enough, or smart enough, or anything close to the version of me he demanded I become. He never once told me he loved me. So, yeah, I still think he could have handled certain things a hell of a lot better. But whatever, it is what it is.
And none of that gives me any guarantee that I’ll be a good parent, even though I truly want to be—and hope to be—a great mother.

The truth is, there are so many women out there dealing with this exact same thing, struggling with issues that clearly stem from their relationship with their fathers...
Patrick Brown45, thanks for the advice 🙂
Sandra Parker3 Sandra Parker3 Regular
419 messages
joined Oct 2007
#29 ·
ironraven13 said:I think I messed up—honestly, if you’d just taken a closer look, you would've seen it.
And I feel pretty terrible about it, which is exactly why I titled this "I Can't Stand Myself"... 😢

I went back and read it all over again
just because you're disgusted with yourself doesn't mean you actually think you made a mistake

fine, if you're going to insist you were wrong... just say what it was? I'm genuinely curious

casualharbor9 said:... those are just poetic, literary interpretations—technically valid from one specific angle, I suppose. I was attempting to offer a practical, psychological breakdown of what’s happening with us, stepping outside the usual moral and societal constraints. My goal was to find something that resonates with all of us, rather than fueling more self-destructive conflicts. I honestly believe I'm right here; it's simply the path of least resistance in life. There isn't really a "right" or "wrong" in this context...

@ironraven13... come on now... take another look at what I wrote earlier before you jump to conclusions...

... yeah, if only I had always been this brilliant when it came to my own affairs...

A self-destructive conflict is already happening since she's saying she can't stand herself, so it's already there
and as for "right or wrong"... well, you mentioned earlier how "to err is human"
people should learn from their mistakes, which in this case means if she did it once, okay, fine, forgive her, let it go, but doing it a second time? give me a break🙄

but you have to be capable of actually recognizing your error to do that, and that's the issue here
she doesn't see it
because if things were different: either she wouldn't be flirting or she would have just left him
there it is

and I actually appreciate your explanations (whenever you use them) regarding those primal instincts for ensuring offspring survival
most people don't bother explaining their actions through that lens
look, explaining is one thing, but using it as an excuse... like... "it wasn't me, it was just my primal urge for survival acting out"

ironraven13 said:Look, if someone’s being selfish here, it’s him. Period.

He’s acting way too protective over me—it's getting ridiculous. I tell him I want to go out, and he basically finds every excuse to make sure I stay put.
First, he fills my head with all this paranoia about maniacs out there—telling me I’ll get mugged, drugged, or worse... just straight up attacked or killed.
And then, he acts all satisfied when I just end up staying home. And he honestly thinks that isn't selfish?

It leads to this other thing where I’ll say, "Fine, then YOU come with me." But nope, he’s not down for that—says he’s not "that kind of guy," or we have nowhere to go,
or at best, he suggests we hang out with his group of friends. And what actually happens? We end up sitting in front of his TV like I’m some 70-year-old grandma
with absolutely nothing better to do with my life.

Maybe I haven't fully "grown up" yet, but I’ve been through enough crap in my life to know what's what. He uses his selfishness as an excuse to "protect" me,
which really just means he keeps me trapped. It's gotten to the point where I'm sneaking out of the house and telling him I'm still inside just to get a moment of freedom.

God forbid he ends up forcing you to go looking for other connections
🙏
Gregory Hayes Gregory Hayes Newcomer
2 messages
joined Aug 2010
#30 ·
How many guys does it take before you realize you've just been messing around? It’s totally normal to wonder "what if" with someone else, but think about it... what are you actually looking for? Sex or a real relationship? You can hook up with someone new every night, but building a deep connection isn't that easy.

If you want to try dating someone else, go for it. You're probably pretty young, so you deserve to explore. Just don't cheat on him. He deserves better than that. If you can't give him what he needs, then just let him go.

And honestly, who cares if everyone in your family has gone through a divorce? Even if the statistics say you might too, don't buy into that. Learn from your parents' mistakes. If you actually want a marriage that lasts, you have to stop cheating...
Gregory Hayes Gregory Hayes Newcomer
2 messages
joined Aug 2010
#31 ·
So you're feeling disgusted with yourself? That just means you realize you hurt someone you care about. You won't stop feeling this way until you accept that being imperfect doesn't mean you aren't a good, worthy person who deserves beautiful things—even if you messed up in the past. Just learn from the mistakes and keep trying to be your best self...
feralranger feralranger Regular
323 messages
joined Oct 2012
#32 ·
ironraven13 said:Yeah, sure... he gets to go out and hang with his buddies whenever he wants, but not me. Because I’m a girl. And because everyone’s staring at me.
And yeah, I'll probably just get raped.

The reality is that there are certain people who are just "easy" (to put it bluntly, promiscuous). If you happen to fall for someone like that—which, believe me, happens more often than you'd think—it is perfectly logical to be riddled with distrust. Then, on the flip side, there are individuals who aren't wired that way at all, making it easy to let them socialize without a single nagging thought of suspicion or jealousy creeping in.

To trust the first group blindly is nothing short of foolish, yet to remain perpetually suspicious of the second group is to descend into irrational paranoia.

Of course, life isn't strictly black and white; there is a vast gray area in between where people fall, and those types can usually be trusted, at least to some degree.
Sandra Parker3 Sandra Parker3 Regular
419 messages
joined Oct 2007
#33 ·
feralranger said:The reality is that there are certain people who are just "easy" (to put it bluntly, promiscuous). If you happen to fall for someone like that—which, believe me, happens more often than you'd think—it is perfectly logical to be riddled with distrust. Then, on the flip side, there are individuals who aren't wired that way at all, making it easy to let them socialize without a single nagging thought of suspicion or jealousy creeping in.

To trust the first group blindly is nothing short of foolish, yet to remain perpetually suspicious of the second group is to descend into irrational paranoia.

Of course, life isn't strictly black and white; there is a vast gray area in between where people fall, and those types can usually be trusted, at least to some degree.

I've had to endure every single word of that.😂 🙄

Also, the way you categorize people... "cheaters," "non-cheaters," and everyone in between... sounds like you've spent a little too much time dealing with terrible people, hasn't it?
looser.
feralranger feralranger Regular
323 messages
joined Oct 2012
#34 ·
Sandra Parker3 said:I've had to endure every single word of that.😂 🙄

Also, the way you categorize people... "cheaters," "non-cheaters," and everyone in between... sounds like you've spent a little too much time dealing with terrible people, hasn't it?
looser.

I have certainly encountered a wide spectrum of characters.
Humanity is, if nothing else, incredibly varied.

When business is on the line, there are those who will happily sell you down the river the moment it serves their interests, and then there are those who won't.

(Some hopelessly naive souls even put their faith in politicians and allow them to steer the entire country... forgiving every single one of their endless betrayals.)
Ethan Lee3 Ethan Lee3 Newcomer
7 messages
joined Aug 2010
#35 ·
nemesiss;28270391 said:Look, I get it—nobody's perfect. As far as emotions go, my old man probably just didn't have the tools, but I can't help blaming him for constantly lecturing me and being such a perfectionist about everything, which absolutely trashed my self-esteem. I always felt like I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, or whatever else he wanted me to be. He never even said he loved me.

So, what’s the plan then? Just spend the rest of your life feeling insecure and worthless because your dad didn't give you enough hugs fifteen years ago? 😕
Easy for you to say...

My dad used to lecture me and my mom constantly, telling me I'd never amount to anything—so honestly, now that I'm an adult, I don't blame him for my failed relationships or any of my setbacks.
You make your own luck.
quietpilot87 quietpilot87 Active Member
149 messages
joined Sep 2008
#36 ·
ironraven13 said:Yeah, sure... he gets to go out and hang with his buddies whenever he wants, but not me. Because I’m a girl. And because everyone’s staring at me.
And yeah, I'll probably just get raped.

You sure he’s actually treating you that well?

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