Feeling ashamed of failing in front of others

Patrick Johnson8 said:Don't get ahead of yourself. Look, I’m good. I’m not going to cheat you, steal from you, or lie to you—unless we're playing something like Call of Duty and things get intense. Then I’ll turn into that Hobbit from Lord of the Rings and start screaming "my precious" twenty times in a row. 😲

In other words, you're out of questions.
Maybe try something like... "Hey. You look incredible. Heading to the Metallica show?" Or whatever works, depending on what they're actually into.
Why do people always ask those mindless, pointless questions that serve absolutely no purpose?
It’s the same every time. Honestly, being asked how college is going makes me want to gag. Even when I’m absolutely crushing my classes, that question is just nauseating. Why? Because there's no winning. If I say, "Man, things are going great," I feel like an arrogant jerk who's just bragging about passing every exam. I don't like starting conversations that way. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth. But if I say, "Exams are killing me," then people just give me that patronizing pity, saying stuff like, "Hang in there, it'll get better." Either way, I already know exactly how the conversation is going to end. It's totally predictable, and honestly, it's just a terrible way to start a chat.

So, my boyfriend and I were out running errands the other day when he ran into an old friend of his who works at a local Target. We ended up chatting for a bit. About five minutes in, she asks me how college is going. I just gave her the usual: "Oh, you know, hanging in there... trying to find the motivation to actually study. The usual struggle." Then she hits me with this: "See? I didn't go to college. I just work at Target." Or something like that. That was the vibe.
Now I feel like an idiot just for bringing this up. Look, it’s not that I’m judging people based on what they do or who they are—that's not my style. It’s more that, honestly, some women probably just make up these scenarios in their heads. It's a general thing, really, whether you're talking about college students or established professionals like us. But in reality? It's just not true. 🙏

For fuck's sake... stop asking me those damn questions about college!

It’s not that they aren't there. 😁
When I first started college... my aunt was basically screaming from the rooftops about how "my little girl is going to university! She's doing this and she's doing that!"
And I’m just sitting there, watching everyone's faces. People are working so hard to act polite and sweet, but inside? They're thinking exactly what any normal person would: "I couldn't care less what she enrolled in. Just leave me alone. Why does this matter?"

Isn't that just how it is? 😁

you really do have a massive issue with college questions 😕🤣

well, first I ask a friend how things are going... and then we talk, and I say something, and she says something... and once we're actually vibing, naturally I'll ask how school is or how love life is... because, well, I care... that's what socializing is, when she tells me what's happening in her world and I tell her what's happening in mine 🤷 I don't see what the big deal is

and if someone is struggling with school, I won't just say—'it'll get better' or some other dumb phrase.. instead, I'd ask what the struggle is and if I can offer any advice or help (like if she's studying the same thing as me and needs some study guides or something)... or if she mentions a professor is being a hardass, we can just bond over complaining about them.. I truly don't get why people think you should avoid talking about college? it's just a topic like any other..

I'm not going to ask people I know if they're going to a concert, because they've obviously already told me, and I'm not asking strangers because I have no clue what kind of music they listen to..

I mean, college is just basic small talk... just like football, makeup 🙄, politics, the weather, romance, health.. I don't see the problem..

The only thing I hate is when someone tries to dig into my specific grades 🤷 like... seriously, this is university, not high school. you don't ask what my GPA is, you ask if I'm passing. that's the kind of question that gets under my skin..
and then, to top it all off, they start bragging about their cousin who's studying political science and getting straight A's.🙄

ugh... I honestly can't stand it when people start interrogating me about my looks. Like, they'll be all up in my business asking what kind of shampoo I use because they "noticed" my hair looks greasy, or flaky, or way too dry...
Or it’s always—are you using some specific skincare routine? Because you really should be...
Or even worse—did you lose weight? Or next time—did you gain weight? And then the follow-up—wait, did you get bigger again? It’s just constant... and I’m just sitting there being the exact same person every single time... uh... I just really hate all those questions about how I look... brrrr...

you’ve got a sore spot regarding looks
college is my sore spot 🤣

Patrick Johnson8 said:you’ve got a sore spot regarding looks
college is my sore spot 🤣

It’s not even really about how I look... :/ I don't go around thinking I'm ugly or anything... it's just that I couldn't care less about fashion, makeup, kids, or any of those trendy little lifestyle things... so I hate it when people grill me about stuff like that... and then they act like it's totally normal for everyone to be obsessed with using every single beauty product under the sun... or like we're all supposed to be tracking every single calorie we eat 24/7 or whatever else... 🤷 and then somehow I end up looking like some uncultured caveman just because I don't spend my life primping in front of a mirror 😕

wiredpanther14 said:Is this actually normal?
Is it normal to feel this intense, soul-crushing shame in front of everyone just because I didn't pass some college exam... to the point where I’m actively dodging people on campus just so they don't corner me to ask how school is going? 😢
Does anyone actually know what to say when you get hit with those incredibly stupid, repetitive, mind-numbing questions like: "So, how's it going? Did you pass that test? How was your midterm?"

Success is such a subjective thing, isn't it? What truly matters is that you define what success means to you personally. There is absolutely no point in comparing your journey to someone else's because everyone is walking their own path, wearing their own worn-out shoes that brought them to where they are today... and that includes you too. Your foot fits your own shoe perfectly, doesn't it?😉

As for exams and college... you're the one who gets to set your own priorities. If that's what you want, you'll pass your tests, get that degree, and move forward... 🙂 ...it all comes down to your own personal choices. Once you are at peace with yourself, you'll find that what others think is the least important thing in the world.😉

Thanks for all the input, everyone.🙂
Yeah, that question pops up all the time—kind of like asking "how's it going?"—but it’s just so incredibly grating... especially when you haven't even passed a single midterm in ten months. 😢
Someone mentioned lying... but honestly, trying to lie to people at university is a losing game because they're going to see your face during an oral exam or a final paper anyway. Up until now, I've managed to dodge the truth with people outside of school, but even then, anyone could just Google my name and see my academic record in seconds. 😢

Henry Newman22 said:Success is such a subjective thing, isn't it? What truly matters is that you define what success means to you personally. There is absolutely no point in comparing your journey to someone else's because everyone is walking their own path, wearing their own worn-out shoes that brought them to where they are today... and that includes you too. Your foot fits your own shoe perfectly, doesn't it?😉

As for exams and college... you're the one who gets to set your own priorities. If that's what you want, you'll pass your tests, get that degree, and move forward... 🙂 ...it all comes down to your own personal choices. Once you are at peace with yourself, you'll find that what others think is the least important thing in the world.😉

That is the absolute truth right there... the thing is, I am *not* at peace with myself. Because of that, I care way too much about what others think, and if I could just be okay with who I am, I wouldn't give a damn about anyone else's opinion.

And it isn't even just about people asking me how I'm doing... it's more that I feel like I'm constantly burdening the people I love—my parents, my best friend—with this whole mess of college struggles and failure.

I honestly don't even know how old you are, whether you actually enjoy the major you chose, what year of college you're in, or if you're still entirely dependent on your parents for financial support... there are just so many variables that could explain why you feel this overwhelming sense of shame regarding your "failures" when you're around the people you love. Do they truly view you as a burden, or is that just the voice in your head talking?

But look, regardless of what those answers might be, the reality is that this is ultimately about you. Until you can find some peace within yourself, you're always going to project that insecurity onto everyone else around you. I'm telling you, once you get your priorities straight and find your footing, that feeling of being "not enough" will start to fade. 😉

...and trust me, I wouldn't be sharing this if I hadn't been in your exact shoes, feeling like a total weight on everyone else's shoulders myself. 😁 😉

wiredpanther14 said:Thanks for all the input, everyone.🙂
Yeah, that question pops up all the time—kind of like asking "how's it going?"—but it’s just so incredibly grating... especially when you haven't even passed a single midterm in ten months. 😢
Someone mentioned lying... but honestly, trying to lie to people at university is a losing game because they're going to see your face during an oral exam or a final paper anyway. Up until now, I've managed to dodge the truth with people outside of school, but even then, anyone could just Google my name and see my academic record in seconds. 😢

That is the absolute truth right there... the thing is, I am *not* at peace with myself. Because of that, I care way too much about what others think, and if I could just be okay with who I am, I wouldn't give a damn about anyone else's opinion.

And it isn't even just about people asking me how I'm doing... it's more that I feel like I'm constantly burdening the people I love—my parents, my best friend—with this whole mess of college struggles and failure.

Honestly, I’m not sure either. I was supposed to wrap up my associate degree this year, but now I’ve got two more years of dragging myself toward a bachelor's. When people start asking questions, I just shrug it off—tell them I didn't pass my finals, that there's plenty of time, or that if all else fails, I'll just go dig in the garden back home. I really couldn't care less about their judgmental looks.

Henry Newman22 said:I honestly don't even know how old you are, whether you actually enjoy the major you chose, what year of college you're in, or if you're still entirely dependent on your parents for financial support... there are just so many variables that could explain why you feel this overwhelming sense of shame regarding your "failures" when you're around the people you love. Do they truly view you as a burden, or is that just the voice in your head talking?

But look, regardless of what those answers might be, the reality is that this is ultimately about you. Until you can find some peace within yourself, you're always going to project that insecurity onto everyone else around you. I'm telling you, once you get your priorities straight and find your footing, that feeling of being "not enough" will start to fade. 😉

...and trust me, I wouldn't be sharing this if I hadn't been in your exact shoes, feeling like a total weight on everyone else's shoulders myself. 😁 😉

I really don't want to derail this into an entirely different thread since there's already one for that, but I'm 20 years old and currently a freshman in college. The thing is, I'm interested, but I just can't bring myself to study. I don't even know what happened to me 😲—I physically cannot start studying, I can't even open a textbook. I've reached this point where I just don't care if I pass or fail, at least not until someone calls me out or the grades are posted for everyone to see.
And it isn't just my family I'm ashamed in front of, it's everyone. My parents don't quite grasp the depth of the problem yet (and honestly, sometimes I need them to), but I'm already driving my friends crazy... they just give me that "hey, don't worry, it'll all work out" line, and nobody is actually talking to me seriously.

🤷

Patrick Johnson8 said:Honestly, I’m not sure either. I was supposed to wrap up my associate degree this year, but now I’ve got two more years of dragging myself toward a bachelor's. When people start asking questions, I just shrug it off—tell them I didn't pass my finals, that there's plenty of time, or that if all else fails, I'll just go dig in the garden back home. I really couldn't care less about their judgmental looks.

The absolute worst part for me? Knowing that I actually *have* the capacity to learn! I have every single resource available to me, yet I just... sleep. I do nothing. It’s as if I’m retreating into a dream state just to escape the pressure of studying 😕

edit. btw guys, seriously, thank you so much. even just typing this out makes things feel a little bit lighter 🙂

So, I think you might just be getting a little lazy here 😛 😁

..or maybe those highlighters you use to mark the 'important' stuff in your textbook aren't quite the right shade 😛 in other words, you should probably take a closer look at your actual study techniques 😉

Henry Newman22 said:So, I think you might just be getting a little lazy here 😛 😁

..or maybe those highlighters you use to mark the 'important' stuff in your textbook aren't quite the right shade 😛 in other words, you should probably take a closer look at your actual study techniques 😉

Incredibly, incredibly lazy 😁 I honestly cannot believe how far laziness can drive a person😲
but whatever, I'm going to go attempt to get 10 pages done now. At least 10... or something...

wiredpanther14 said:The absolute worst part for me? Knowing that I actually *have* the capacity to learn! I have every single resource available to me, yet I just... sleep. I do nothing. It’s as if I’m retreating into a dream state just to escape the pressure of studying 😕

edit. btw guys, seriously, thank you so much. even just typing this out makes things feel a little bit lighter 🙂

Same here. I need to study, too. Finished dinner, had a cigarette... now I'm heading straight to bed because I am sooooo sleepy. 😵

wiredpanther14 said:The absolute worst part for me? Knowing that I actually *have* the capacity to learn! I have every single resource available to me, yet I just... sleep. I do nothing. It’s as if I’m retreating into a dream state just to escape the pressure of studying 😕

edit. btw guys, seriously, thank you so much. even just typing this out makes things feel a little bit lighter 🙂

I think that's exactly why it feels so uncomfortable, isn't it? You know you have the potential, but you aren't doing anything to make it happen...
You really have to deal with this internally, because at the end of the day, the struggle is coming from within...
Look, if you want to finish that degree—you just have to start hitting the books.
If you don't want to study? Then maybe just drop the college thing and go get a job. Who knows? Maybe you'll be way more successful in the workforce than you would be in a classroom. And then, once you see what kind of idiots your bosses are, you might suddenly find all the motivation you need to go back and crush those finals...
Besides, who says you have to be in school right now? There's always time later...

wiredpanther14 said:Is this actually normal?
Is it normal to feel this intense, soul-crushing shame in front of everyone just because I didn't pass some college exam... to the point where I’m actively dodging people on campus just so they don't corner me to ask how school is going? 😢
Does anyone actually know what to say when you get hit with those incredibly stupid, repetitive, mind-numbing questions like: "So, how's it going? Did you pass that test? How was your midterm?"

Look, I think there have always been times where I passed and times where I failed, even during those periods when I felt like I had studied incredibly hard... honestly, that was back before the Boston era, but I eventually made it through in the end. Maybe one or two setbacks shouldn't really shake your confidence; I suppose you just have to keep moving forward. At the end of the day, people mostly remember the degree, and I truly believe all this other stuff gets forgotten pretty quickly, believe me. 🙂

I used to constantly lie about my course load—claiming I had way fewer finals than I actually did. It’s funny, really. My conscience would eat at me every single time, but in a weird, twisted way, that guilt actually acted as fuel to get me to study harder. A strange kind of motivation, I guess.

I wrote all this stuff about how I was going to knock out ten whole pages, but instead... I managed one (just ONE!) single page
Thanks for the support, really, but listen... I’ve got much bigger issues on my plate than just feeling embarrassed