I need to get over her—fast!

I first fell for her about three years ago, back when I was practically just a kid—I hadn't even turned 16 yet. Over time, those feelings have grown into something much more profound, and even though there hasn't been any physical intimacy between us, I truly believe I love her; she’s honestly the only "real" love I’ve ever known. I didn't quite realize it was love at the time, but I think I always knew instinctively that any kind of physical expression of these feelings just wasn't an option. She is aware of how I feel, but there isn't anything she can actually do about it. Our circumstances are such that we aren't even supposed to be close friends, let alone allow something like this to happen, yet we find ourselves having to spend quite a bit of time together.
I wonder how it’s possible for this to last so long? I suppose I thought that eventually, she might show some flaw that would turn me off, or maybe I’d meet someone else, or perhaps I would simply "cool off" as time passed, but none of that has happened; if anything, it just seems to be getting stronger.
And I end up doing such incredibly foolish things because of her... I could have really hurt myself with what I did today (I don't mean that I want to end my life—I want to live, perhaps even just for her—but I wonder if my subconscious guided me toward such an act?), which then triggered a panic attack (something I haven't experienced in years) and for a split second, I actually felt the urge to jump through a window (which is also something I haven't thought about in ages). I managed to pull myself together fairly quickly, and there aren't any lasting consequences and no one realized what was happening, but I am genuinely afraid that something like this could happen again and spiral out of control.
No, I really can't be more specific, because I suspect any further details might make me identifiable, and that could lead to a total catastrophe. I can't go see a psychiatrist or a psychologist, and I certainly can't confide in anyone in my immediate circle. I can't just go out and drink to forget like most people my age, and even though I'm not even 19 yet, I know I'm not ready to tackle something this heavy, even though I've been fighting against my own nature for years—I thought I was nearing the end of that struggle, but it seems there is no way out.

So, how does one "kill off" sexual attraction, infatuation, love, and all these related emotions within themselves? And it needs to be done urgently, because I feel like if another few days pass, something is going to go seriously wrong.
I understand that these feelings aren't inherently bad—in fact, they are quite beautiful—but in this particular situation, they are completely inappropriate and are leading me toward ruin.

Reposted from Lowe's

Don't get me wrong. I think your so-called issue is just a fear of the unknown.

I am truly sorry to hear about everything you're going through right now, especially since it sounds like you don't have anyone to lean on. Are you absolutely certain there isn't even one single person in your life you could reach out to and talk through this situation with?

You mentioned that you aren't even in a position to be friends anymore. I'm curious, what led to that?
I didn't quite catch that part—does she actually know how you feel, and if so, does she feel the same way?

And then, most importantly, what is this terrible thing you feel you've done to yourself?
Also, why do you have this feeling that things are going to take a turn for the worse in just a few days? 😕

Please, do reach out soon, because I'm genuinely worried that if things don't change in the next couple of days, something quite serious might happen.

That doesn't sound good at all. 😢

They just straight up burned her alive...

brightridge59 said:I am truly sorry to hear about everything you're going through right now, especially since it sounds like you don't have anyone to lean on. Are you absolutely certain there isn't even one single person in your life you could reach out to and talk through this situation with?

You mentioned that you aren't even in a position to be friends anymore. I'm curious, what led to that?
I didn't quite catch that part—does she actually know how you feel, and if so, does she feel the same way?

And then, most importantly, what is this terrible thing you feel you've done to yourself?
Also, why do you have this feeling that things are going to take a turn for the worse in just a few days? 😕

Please, do reach out soon, because I'm genuinely worried that if things don't change in the next couple of days, something quite serious might happen.

That doesn't sound good at all. 😢

Yes, I am sure.
As for why, I suppose those are details I'm just not able to share.
She knows, but whether she feels the same way... well, I suppose that doesn't really matter.
What I did... I guess you could compare it to darting across a busy intersection in the middle of a rainstorm while carrying a heavy load—where braking is nearly impossible (actually, I did do exactly that once, and maybe it was because of her).😬 Within the next couple of days, I'll probably "manage" to pull off another stunt like that.
I realize there are much bigger problems in the world, but still...
😢

Hey... check your inbox, I sent you a PM.

James Bailey said:Yes, I am sure.
As for why, I suppose those are details I'm just not able to share.
She knows, but whether she feels the same way... well, I suppose that doesn't really matter.
What I did... I guess you could compare it to darting across a busy intersection in the middle of a rainstorm while carrying a heavy load—where braking is nearly impossible (actually, I did do exactly that once, and maybe it was because of her).😬 Within the next couple of days, I'll probably "manage" to pull off another stunt like that.
I realize there are much bigger problems in the world, but still...
😢

yeah... think about the kids in Africa☕

I honestly don't get how people try to offer advice or comfort when we don't even know why you're going to crash and burn in a few days, or why she's off-limits, or if she even feels the same way... I mean, why shouldn't people be allowed to be together? At the end of the day, anyone can be with anyone...

Morgan Bishop4 said:yeah... think about the kids in Africa☕

I honestly don't get how people try to offer advice or comfort when we don't even know why you're going to crash and burn in a few days, or why she's off-limits, or if she even feels the same way... I mean, why shouldn't people be allowed to be together? At the end of the day, anyone can be with anyone...

Well, sure, it CAN happen, but I suppose it SHOULDN'T if people actually possess a sense of morality or responsibility under certain circumstances.
I probably won't end up losing my life over it, though I guess it would be all too easy for me to ruin my own future, or perhaps someone else's, in the process.

Besides, you’ve got nothing to lose. I mean, unless we're talking life or death here... then you've got nothing to lose (well, okay, maybe a massive credit card debt at Chase, but still)
You only live once! 🙂 Why even stress about the fallout if just dwelling on the "what ifs" is going to make you feel like absolute garbage for the next hundred years?! And honestly, the consequences probably won't be nearly as catastrophic as your brain is making them out to be...

Morgan Bishop4 said:Besides, you’ve got nothing to lose. I mean, unless we're talking life or death here... then you've got nothing to lose (well, okay, maybe a massive credit card debt at Chase, but still)
You only live once! 🙂 Why even stress about the fallout if just dwelling on the "what ifs" is going to make you feel like absolute garbage for the next hundred years?! And honestly, the consequences probably won't be nearly as catastrophic as your brain is making them out to be...

Well, you certainly are something else, 😬Morgan Bishop4
I suppose I actually would have quite a lot to lose, and she would have even more on the line 😢 besides, this could indirectly impact other innocent people too. Even if, by some strange twist of fate, all the terrible consequences were somehow avoided—well, I am fairly certain I would still feel pretty awful just knowing I got involved in something like this, or perhaps just because I put her at risk in the first place.

James Bailey said:Well, sure, it CAN happen, but I suppose it SHOULDN'T if people actually possess a sense of morality or responsibility under certain circumstances.
I probably won't end up losing my life over it, though I guess it would be all too easy for me to ruin my own future, or perhaps someone else's, in the process.

I didn't quite catch why you're saying it "shouldn't" happen.
Aren't you supposed to be part of that group that supports gay rights and all that?

Stop fighting against yourself... and start fighting for yourself... for love...

Honestly, there's just no point in fighting like this. I don't even know where you are right now or how tough things actually are for you, but you're writing like you're living under a regime in Tehran or something... I get the feeling maybe it’s more about what's going on in your head, like that super strict, conservative upbringing where anything that doesn't fit the traditional mold is just totally rejected. I don't get why you two can't just be friends... I mean, why can't you just move 124 miles past all that and try getting to know different people? What does she even think about any of this? Does she sense how you're actually feeling? I'd really love to help you out—if it's too awkward to say here, maybe just shoot me a PM 😉

You into married women?
Your mom's friend?

@MadamY: I mean, the fact that we’re the same age is practically a non-issue when you consider all the other hurdles we're facing.

@Maria Callas: What do you mean by that? 😕

@briskskipper71: It isn't that I'm particularly conservative 🤣 (though I suppose my upbringing might have made me that way), but since I'm not even nineteen yet, I feel like there's just too much to explain to everyone, from my parents to my friends. I'd be risking my entire future, like finishing college and all that... I do meet new people, of course, but honestly, everyone else seems to fall short compared to her, at least for the time being.
In the meantime, she's come up with some silly little temporary fixes—I won't go into detail because it would be too obvious—which will probably prevent me from "stumbling" into things quite as quickly as I thought I might when I first started this thread... but a permanent solution still seems nowhere in sight.

@Walter Grant33: I'm not going to get into the specifics of the situation. Let's just say things are actually a bit more complicated than if the two of them were together.

Falling for your own hometown and picking fights just for the hell of it?🙄
The fix for all that drama is staying grounded in the present—right here, right now. It’s the best way to flush those pointless obsessions out of your head. Just pick up anything by Eckhart Tolle. Any book will do.

James Bailey said:@MadamY: I mean, the fact that we’re the same age is practically a non-issue when you consider all the other hurdles we're facing.

@Maria Callas: What do you mean by that? 😕

@briskskipper71: It isn't that I'm particularly conservative 🤣 (though I suppose my upbringing might have made me that way), but since I'm not even nineteen yet, I feel like there's just too much to explain to everyone, from my parents to my friends. I'd be risking my entire future, like finishing college and all that... I do meet new people, of course, but honestly, everyone else seems to fall short compared to her, at least for the time being.
In the meantime, she's come up with some silly little temporary fixes—I won't go into detail because it would be too obvious—which will probably prevent me from "stumbling" into things quite as quickly as I thought I might when I first started this thread... but a permanent solution still seems nowhere in sight.

@Walter Grant33: I'm not going to get into the specifics of the situation. Let's just say things are actually a bit more complicated than if the two of them were together.

Well, if the important people in your circle aren't here reading this forum, I think you could probably be a little more specific about everything. I'm not quite following what she actually feels for you? (You mentioned in your opening post that she knows how you feel, but she can't act on it.) So, does she definitely want something, but simply can't? And is it because:
a) her social circle doesn't support same-sex relationships
b) because she's your stepmother
c) because she's your biological sister
d) because she's your stepsister
e) because she's your cousin
f) because she works for your dad or mom
g) because she's your brother's girlfriend
h) or... what?
😁

I mean, regardless of the reason, things will eventually come to light anyway. The people around you aren't oblivious. You're going to have to face this sooner or later. It might be better to decide now, before any real damage is done:
a) whether you both just go your separate ways
b) or if you decide to go all the way with this.

If you choose to go separate ways, maybe heading off to college could really help with that transition. Besides, maybe you're just fixated because this is your first experience with this kind of attraction, and perhaps it might pass once you get some distance.

If you are deciding to be together, then, well, we all know the old saying that love conquers all. Most people around you probably don't want a messy situation—and they might even be grateful one day if you both show your true selves. That is, assuming you both are certain about who your true self actually is.

jadetinker85 said:Falling for your own hometown and picking fights just for the hell of it?🙄
The fix for all that drama is staying grounded in the present—right here, right now. It’s the best way to flush those pointless obsessions out of your head. Just pick up anything by Eckhart Tolle. Any book will do.

Actually, not really. I’m making a very conscious effort to make sure I don't bother her more than absolutely necessary, I guess.

jadetinker85 said:Falling for your own hometown and picking fights just for the hell of it?🙄
The fix for all that drama is staying grounded in the present—right here, right now. It’s the best way to flush those pointless obsessions out of your head. Just pick up anything by Eckhart Tolle. Any book will do.

That sounds perfectly doable, so thank you so much for the helpful advice.

Lisa Hernandez3 said:Well, if the important people in your circle aren't here reading this forum, I think you could probably be a little more specific about everything. I'm not quite following what she actually feels for you? (You mentioned in your opening post that she knows how you feel, but she can't act on it.) So, does she definitely want something, but simply can't? And is it because:
a) her social circle doesn't support same-sex relationships
b) because she's your stepmother
c) because she's your biological sister
d) because she's your stepsister
e) because she's your cousin
f) because she works for your dad or mom
g) because she's your brother's girlfriend
h) or... what?
😁

I mean, regardless of the reason, things will eventually come to light anyway. The people around you aren't oblivious. You're going to have to face this sooner or later. It might be better to decide now, before any real damage is done:
a) whether you both just go your separate ways
b) or if you decide to go all the way with this.

If you choose to go separate ways, maybe heading off to college could really help with that transition. Besides, maybe you're just fixated because this is your first experience with this kind of attraction, and perhaps it might pass once you get some distance.

If you are deciding to be together, then, well, we all know the old saying that love conquers all. Most people around you probably don't want a messy situation—and they might even be grateful one day if you both show your true selves. That is, assuming you both are certain about who your true self actually is.

You really never know who might pop up on here, I suppose, especially since this has become the most active online community in the States, with thousands of us joining the conversation.

Lisa Hernandez3 said:Well, if the important people in your circle aren't here reading this forum, I think you could probably be a little more specific about everything. I'm not quite following what she actually feels for you? (You mentioned in your opening post that she knows how you feel, but she can't act on it.) So, does she definitely want something, but simply can't? And is it because:
a) her social circle doesn't support same-sex relationships
b) because she's your stepmother
c) because she's your biological sister
d) because she's your stepsister
e) because she's your cousin
f) because she works for your dad or mom
g) because she's your brother's girlfriend
h) or... what?
😁

I mean, regardless of the reason, things will eventually come to light anyway. The people around you aren't oblivious. You're going to have to face this sooner or later. It might be better to decide now, before any real damage is done:
a) whether you both just go your separate ways
b) or if you decide to go all the way with this.

If you choose to go separate ways, maybe heading off to college could really help with that transition. Besides, maybe you're just fixated because this is your first experience with this kind of attraction, and perhaps it might pass once you get some distance.

If you are deciding to be together, then, well, we all know the old saying that love conquers all. Most people around you probably don't want a messy situation—and they might even be grateful one day if you both show your true selves. That is, assuming you both are certain about who your true self actually is.

I feel this sense of something very close approaching, though I can't quite put my finger on what it might be. It feels like she wants to lend me a hand, much like she has helped me through so many other things in the past, and I find myself wondering if she would offer "something" to me if only there weren't such obstacles in the way. Then again, I suppose it’s all just so incredibly hypothetical that it might not even be worth dwelling on.

Lisa Hernandez3 said:Well, if the important people in your circle aren't here reading this forum, I think you could probably be a little more specific about everything. I'm not quite following what she actually feels for you? (You mentioned in your opening post that she knows how you feel, but she can't act on it.) So, does she definitely want something, but simply can't? And is it because:
a) her social circle doesn't support same-sex relationships
b) because she's your stepmother
c) because she's your biological sister
d) because she's your stepsister
e) because she's your cousin
f) because she works for your dad or mom
g) because she's your brother's girlfriend
h) or... what?
😁

I mean, regardless of the reason, things will eventually come to light anyway. The people around you aren't oblivious. You're going to have to face this sooner or later. It might be better to decide now, before any real damage is done:
a) whether you both just go your separate ways
b) or if you decide to go all the way with this.

If you choose to go separate ways, maybe heading off to college could really help with that transition. Besides, maybe you're just fixated because this is your first experience with this kind of attraction, and perhaps it might pass once you get some distance.

If you are deciding to be together, then, well, we all know the old saying that love conquers all. Most people around you probably don't want a messy situation—and they might even be grateful one day if you both show your true selves. That is, assuming you both are certain about who your true self actually is.

sqrt(a) + b/2 + c/3 + d/4 + e/5 + f/sqrt2 + g/sqrt3 ~= (hx)/n, n-->∞ 😁
It feels like quite a bit of guesswork.

Lisa Hernandez3 said:Well, if the important people in your circle aren't here reading this forum, I think you could probably be a little more specific about everything. I'm not quite following what she actually feels for you? (You mentioned in your opening post that she knows how you feel, but she can't act on it.) So, does she definitely want something, but simply can't? And is it because:
a) her social circle doesn't support same-sex relationships
b) because she's your stepmother
c) because she's your biological sister
d) because she's your stepsister
e) because she's your cousin
f) because she works for your dad or mom
g) because she's your brother's girlfriend
h) or... what?
😁

I mean, regardless of the reason, things will eventually come to light anyway. The people around you aren't oblivious. You're going to have to face this sooner or later. It might be better to decide now, before any real damage is done:
a) whether you both just go your separate ways
b) or if you decide to go all the way with this.

If you choose to go separate ways, maybe heading off to college could really help with that transition. Besides, maybe you're just fixated because this is your first experience with this kind of attraction, and perhaps it might pass once you get some distance.

If you are deciding to be together, then, well, we all know the old saying that love conquers all. Most people around you probably don't want a messy situation—and they might even be grateful one day if you both show your true selves. That is, assuming you both are certain about who your true self actually is.

There have been plenty of major opportunities for things to surface, but somehow, well, they haven't, so maybe they just won't. And we have tried to deal with it as best we can—and I would say we still are, quite frequently—but it seems almost impossible to reach some kind of "final confrontation."

Lisa Hernandez3 said:Well, if the important people in your circle aren't here reading this forum, I think you could probably be a little more specific about everything. I'm not quite following what she actually feels for you? (You mentioned in your opening post that she knows how you feel, but she can't act on it.) So, does she definitely want something, but simply can't? And is it because:
a) her social circle doesn't support same-sex relationships
b) because she's your stepmother
c) because she's your biological sister
d) because she's your stepsister
e) because she's your cousin
f) because she works for your dad or mom
g) because she's your brother's girlfriend
h) or... what?
😁

I mean, regardless of the reason, things will eventually come to light anyway. The people around you aren't oblivious. You're going to have to face this sooner or later. It might be better to decide now, before any real damage is done:
a) whether you both just go your separate ways
b) or if you decide to go all the way with this.

If you choose to go separate ways, maybe heading off to college could really help with that transition. Besides, maybe you're just fixated because this is your first experience with this kind of attraction, and perhaps it might pass once you get some distance.

If you are deciding to be together, then, well, we all know the old saying that love conquers all. Most people around you probably don't want a messy situation—and they might even be grateful one day if you both show your true selves. That is, assuming you both are certain about who your true self actually is.

I imagine either path would lead to some pretty heavy consequences for various parts of our lives, and for those around us too.

Lisa Hernandez3 said:Well, if the important people in your circle aren't here reading this forum, I think you could probably be a little more specific about everything. I'm not quite following what she actually feels for you? (You mentioned in your opening post that she knows how you feel, but she can't act on it.) So, does she definitely want something, but simply can't? And is it because:
a) her social circle doesn't support same-sex relationships
b) because she's your stepmother
c) because she's your biological sister
d) because she's your stepsister
e) because she's your cousin
f) because she works for your dad or mom
g) because she's your brother's girlfriend
h) or... what?
😁

I mean, regardless of the reason, things will eventually come to light anyway. The people around you aren't oblivious. You're going to have to face this sooner or later. It might be better to decide now, before any real damage is done:
a) whether you both just go your separate ways
b) or if you decide to go all the way with this.

If you choose to go separate ways, maybe heading off to college could really help with that transition. Besides, maybe you're just fixated because this is your first experience with this kind of attraction, and perhaps it might pass once you get some distance.

If you are deciding to be together, then, well, we all know the old saying that love conquers all. Most people around you probably don't want a messy situation—and they might even be grateful one day if you both show your true selves. That is, assuming you both are certain about who your true self actually is.

In a way, yes. It would certainly provide some distance, though probably not enough to be completely removed from the situation (since I won't be, and I really couldn't, moving to a different state or something for university).

Lisa Hernandez3 said:Well, if the important people in your circle aren't here reading this forum, I think you could probably be a little more specific about everything. I'm not quite following what she actually feels for you? (You mentioned in your opening post that she knows how you feel, but she can't act on it.) So, does she definitely want something, but simply can't? And is it because:
a) her social circle doesn't support same-sex relationships
b) because she's your stepmother
c) because she's your biological sister
d) because she's your stepsister
e) because she's your cousin
f) because she works for your dad or mom
g) because she's your brother's girlfriend
h) or... what?
😁

I mean, regardless of the reason, things will eventually come to light anyway. The people around you aren't oblivious. You're going to have to face this sooner or later. It might be better to decide now, before any real damage is done:
a) whether you both just go your separate ways
b) or if you decide to go all the way with this.

If you choose to go separate ways, maybe heading off to college could really help with that transition. Besides, maybe you're just fixated because this is your first experience with this kind of attraction, and perhaps it might pass once you get some distance.

If you are deciding to be together, then, well, we all know the old saying that love conquers all. Most people around you probably don't want a messy situation—and they might even be grateful one day if you both show your true selves. That is, assuming you both are certain about who your true self actually is.

That is certainly possible.

Lisa Hernandez3 said:Well, if the important people in your circle aren't here reading this forum, I think you could probably be a little more specific about everything. I'm not quite following what she actually feels for you? (You mentioned in your opening post that she knows how you feel, but she can't act on it.) So, does she definitely want something, but simply can't? And is it because:
a) her social circle doesn't support same-sex relationships
b) because she's your stepmother
c) because she's your biological sister
d) because she's your stepsister
e) because she's your cousin
f) because she works for your dad or mom
g) because she's your brother's girlfriend
h) or... what?
😁

I mean, regardless of the reason, things will eventually come to light anyway. The people around you aren't oblivious. You're going to have to face this sooner or later. It might be better to decide now, before any real damage is done:
a) whether you both just go your separate ways
b) or if you decide to go all the way with this.

If you choose to go separate ways, maybe heading off to college could really help with that transition. Besides, maybe you're just fixated because this is your first experience with this kind of attraction, and perhaps it might pass once you get some distance.

If you are deciding to be together, then, well, we all know the old saying that love conquers all. Most people around you probably don't want a messy situation—and they might even be grateful one day if you both show your true selves. That is, assuming you both are certain about who your true self actually is.

I sometimes wonder if there are certain situations where love winning isn't necessarily the right outcome? And as for showing your true face... well, I guess it's not always easy to even know your own.

Could you please walk me through this?
On one hand:

James Bailey said:Actually, not really. I’m making a very conscious effort to make sure I don't bother her more than absolutely necessary, I guess.

That sounds perfectly doable, so thank you so much for the helpful advice.

You really never know who might pop up on here, I suppose, especially since this has become the most active online community in the States, with thousands of us joining the conversation.

I feel this sense of something very close approaching, though I can't quite put my finger on what it might be. It feels like she wants to lend me a hand, much like she has helped me through so many other things in the past, and I find myself wondering if she would offer "something" to me if only there weren't such obstacles in the way. Then again, I suppose it’s all just so incredibly hypothetical that it might not even be worth dwelling on.

sqrt(a) + b/2 + c/3 + d/4 + e/5 + f/sqrt2 + g/sqrt3 ~= (hx)/n, n-->∞ 😁
It feels like quite a bit of guesswork.

There have been plenty of major opportunities for things to surface, but somehow, well, they haven't, so maybe they just won't. And we have tried to deal with it as best we can—and I would say we still are, quite frequently—but it seems almost impossible to reach some kind of "final confrontation."

I imagine either path would lead to some pretty heavy consequences for various parts of our lives, and for those around us too.

In a way, yes. It would certainly provide some distance, though probably not enough to be completely removed from the situation (since I won't be, and I really couldn't, moving to a different state or something for university).

That is certainly possible.

I sometimes wonder if there are certain situations where love winning isn't necessarily the right outcome? And as for showing your true face... well, I guess it's not always easy to even know your own.

And then on the other hand:

There have been plenty of massive opportunities for it to come to light, but somehow—well, it just hasn't, so I suppose it won't. And we've dealt with how we could make it happen, and I guess we still do, almost constantly, but it seems impossible to reach some kind of "final confrontation."

So, on one hand, nothing has happened—you honestly can't tell if she'd even want anything if the path were clear—but then again, you mentioned facing those challenges, both past and present. When you talk about "facing" them, what exactly do you mean?

Are you worried about people finding out you're a lesbian?